A Suikoden III Short. Usual disclaimers apply.

Main Characters: Ace

Pairings Warning: Does Erk/Marine count?

Chapters Read: Up to Chapter Four; assumes you know of Hitman Bravo's hit(?) series 'Erk's Adventures'

Explanation: All writers deal with this in some fashion, sooner or later… Oh, and be warned, there's a bit of… questionable content thanks to Ace… nothing too major, though.

~ * Erk and the Accursed Block of Writer's Bane * ~

/Erk entered the dungeon looking for treasure. But there in front of him, instead of riches, was something terrible! It was huge! It was hideous! It was…/

/…It was…/

"Crap," muttered Ace, crumpling the sheet of paper in both hands and pitching it over his shoulder into the trash.

The mercenary/accountant/writer/ladies' man rested his chin against his desk, resisting the urge to slam his head against the mahogany surface repeatedly. Ever since the first semi-successful run of Erk's Adventures in the Budehuc Times (semi-successful meaning that to his knowledge nobody had petitioned to have it yanked from the paper), Ace had been trying to come up with some sort of follow-up.

Arthur was actually reprinting the run of short chapters, so that meant there must be some sort of audience out there, right? And as an author, it was Ace's duty to give the fans more of what they loved: Adventure! Action! Excitement! Something to keep them coming back for more tales from Hitman Bravo!

Ace was fairly sure he had the formula down. The trick was to leave a hook at the end of each installment, the promise of a problem that would be confronted and hopefully resolved in the next issue. You had to keep the audience coming back to see what happened next to your hero, and how Erk got out of each dangerous predicament.

Erk in danger! Classic. Pure gold.

Pity Ace still wasn't sure where he was going to take the series next. When he last left off, Erk had defeated the bad guy and saved the girl, and they had wealth and love and happiness. All well and good, except for the fact that it wasn't exactly a great starting point for another story.

Tapping a finger thoughtfully against the wooden surface, Ace considered his options. Maybe immediately sending Erk off on another adventure wasn't the best tack he could take. After all, the guy had plenty of good things going for him right now; why not let him enjoy them for a bit?

Picking up his pen, Ace started over on a fresh sheet of paper:

/"Erk, let me repay your kindness," Marine panted, undoing the front of her jacket and revealing her curvy female assets. Capturing Erk's mouth with her own, she grabbed his sweaty hands, guiding them over her supple flesh and onto her heaving…/

Ace cut himself off and folded the paper up, slipping it into one of his pockets, swarthy face flushed with faint red. He couldn't submit that to Arthur; it'd never see print. The newspaper wasn't quite the right form of media for that sort of writing.

(Okay, that wasn't the best idea. Now what?)

Ace's chin fell into one hand, the fingers of the other drumming against the desktop. If romance was out of the question, then what else could he try? Hmm… he often read advice that claimed it was best to write what one knew. Flattening another sheet in front of him, he began anew:

/Erk cursed his rotten luck while approaching the dungeon. He wouldn't have needed the riches rumored to be inside if he and his friends hadn't blown most of what he'd brought back from his last adventure on booze and female company…/

Another wad of paper ricocheted off the side of the bin as Ace cursed his rotten luck. (Damnit, that's not gonna work either! Think, Ace, think! What could possibly be valuable enough for Erk to go on a quest for it? Hmm… Let's see…)

/Erk looked at the sealed door before him and wondered if the rumors were true. It was said a True Rune lay beyond – and not just any True Rune, either! It was the True Rune of…/

/…the True Rune…/

(Think, Ace, think!)

/…the True Jongleur Rune…/

(…Nah, maybe not. Sounds more like something that elf chick and her friends would go after. Not Erk's style…)

/…True Dash Rune…/

(Yeah, right, like that would exist. Next…)

/…True Blinking Rune…/

(Nope, probably not a good idea,) Ace decided, thinking of Viki – both of them – and shuddering for some reason.

/…True Firefly Rune…/

(No. As great an excuse that would be to have things keep happening to him, I'm not that cheap… yet.)

/…True Rune of DOOOOOOOOM!/

(Too cliché.)

/…True Player Rune! The True Rune fabled to attract the girls like nobody's business!/

"Or not," Ace muttered aloud, crumbling the paper and sending it to join its mates in the trash.

(What I need is the True Writing Rune,) he decided with an inward sigh and a rueful smirk, picking up the rest of his non-ruined papers and tucking them safely away as he gave up for the day. (Well, maybe tomorrow I'll get some actual work done…)

Vacating his secret spot in the corner of the library -- nobody ever disturbed him there, though it wasn't disturbances that had been his problem today -- Ace trudged to the room he shared with his comrades. The room was already darkened, the others having probably already turned in for the night.

It wasn't until Ace's head hit the pillow that the idea hit. His eyes widened in self-amazement: how could he not have seen it before? It was the perfect idea, a completely original and unique way to continue Erk's ongoing adventures that nobody would ever see coming and everyone would love!

Pity he was too damn tired to move from his nice comfy bed and trudge all the way back upstairs to his writing nook.

(I'll get it down tomorrow,) he promised himself, a wide smile on his face as he drifted off to sweet, sweet slumber.

~ * ~

The next morning, Ace vaulted out of bed, completely invigorated and eager to get cracking on his latest storyline! The mercenary hurried upstairs, not even bothering to take the elevator: bolting up the stairs was quicker than waiting for it to arrive at his floor. Upon reaching the library, Ace spread his writing equipment out on the desk, set down a piece of paper, set his pen to it and…

/Erk…/

The aggravated scream that followed echoed through the entire castle.

"Sir, please remain quiet in the library," Eike chided in his calm, even tone. "People are trying to concentrate…"

Ace didn't answer. He was too busy banging his head repeatedly against the table.