MDT's "Hey Arnold!" Fan Fiction

"Burnt Red"

Written By Shaun Blankenship

Author's Note:

Well, I didn't receive too many responses on Act I. I guess the clientele I attracted before has dwindled into almost nothingness. Then again, I don't read as many other people's fics as I probably should… I still need to finish Chief's "Said and Done". Oh, well, maybe a chapter addition will attract a few new people.

I was in a car accident Saturday and had some inspiration for another act. Some old lady slammed right into the side of my car… and my insurance is expired… so now I need a job… whatever. Many of you don't have this problem, but I do. Then again, I don't have a license yet… but I do have a permit. Well anyway, it gave me one more reason to "beat the elderly" and another idea for this act. Here we go…

Oh, and by the way, the guy who told me not to call him a punk… with the really explicitly vulgar language in which I'm not about to repeat with a PG rating… yeah… that made you even more a punk. [PG! PG!] You damned punk… [Oh! There's the rating! Right there! There's the rating!] You have a lot of gall just spewing off a bunch of low brow comments without apparently reading the damn thing. I don't care what I call you at this point, because you're obviously an immature uneducated idiot. Take a joke and don't be such a moron to the point where you judge something without reading it… even further to the point where you bash me. Act a little professional, or else when you "grow up", you're gonna find it hard to make anything of yourself. Nobody's gonna wanna work with you, to the point where you're a grizzled old man living in a cabin out in Canada and one night decide to find out what happens when you look down your hunting rifle's barrel when a shot's fired.

Anybody ever realize how goofy yet dark all of my stuff is?

ACT II

SCENE: Sid and Stinky throw Curly into the janitor's closet, step in with him, and close the door with the lights off.

SID: Now here is the part where you have to pay attention…

CURLY: Why are we in the janitor's closet?

SID: Because this bit is very important. We can't let anybody hear what I'm about to tell you…

CURLY: But you could reveal that you're an ex-government op in public.

SID: They already know that! I need to give you the strategy of what to do now.

CURLY: Oh, okay.

SID: You need to get out of town or at least lay low. You need a place to hide, preferably out of town, but you can't take the bus… or plane…

CURLY: Why not?

SID: Because they'll be looking for you. You need to just disappear. You can't come into contact with anybody from school. They might end up installing taps. After a week, they'll start to give up and just presume you dead. If you call attention to yourself, they'll find you and… you know…

CURLY: Well, I could go to Big Gino. He may have some ideas…

SID: NO! [Grasping onto Curly's shoulders but releases when he comes to.] He's in on it.

CURLY: Really?

SID: Yeah! Since going out of town is out of the question, you might just want to stay out of public places… maybe just find a hole somewhere. How about the tree fort?

CURLY: Huh?

SID: The tree fort! You could buy some food that's not gonna rot and just hide up there for a few a few days.

STINKY: I thought you said he'd have a week…

SID: Shut up, Stinky.

CURLY: Won't people miss me? What about my parents? What about the school? Won't they send truant officers or something?

SID: Yes, but that's why you tell your mom you are… um…

STINKY: At camp?

SID: Stinky, camp's not in at the same time school is. That's usually the summer.

STINKY: Well, how about he's spending the week at a friend's house?

CURLY: What about school?

SID: Yeah, mister I-Know-Everything-To-Do-When-Trying-To-Avoid-Government-Capture, what do we do about school?

STINKY: Um… the kid has a mentor?

SID: [Narrows his eyes at Stinky and turns over to Curly.] I don't know, what do you think?

CURLY: Sounds good to me. I'd believe it.

SID: I'm sure you would. [Turns over to Stinky and narrows his eyes once more. He comes back to Sid.] So, what are you gonna do?

CURLY: Leave school, disappear.

SID: For how long?

CURLY: A week.

SID: Good! Very good! You know what else? By then, your home might be up to city standards too. You'll be able to go home home!

CURLY: Okay… I just can't believe they want me dead for what I know…

SID: Yeah, it's a bummer.

CURLY: I mean, I don't think it's worth me being dead! You don't, do you?

SID: Um… of course we don't! That's why we're warning you. Now, we have to return before anybody who's not in on it suspects us missing. You need to get out of here as fast as you can.

CURLY: Okay! Thanks guys! [The door opens and a janitor is looking in on the kids huddled in the closet.]

JANITOR: What are you three doing in here?

CURLY: [Points at the janitor.] YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, ASSASSIN!

JANITOR: What?

CURLY: NOT TODAY YOU DON'T, YOU VILE MURDEROUS DOG! [He shoves his way out and runs down the hall laughing.]

SID: [Looks up at the confused janitor.] Heh-heh… he has some emotional problems.

JANITOR: Some?

SID: He's really harmless… [Looks at Stinky.] We should go now. Bye… C'mon, Stinky.

STINKY: Okey-dokey. [Looks at the janitor.] See ya later, mister janitor.

JANITOR: What was that all about? [Looks back in the closet.] And what are you doing in here?

BRAINY: [Steps out of the closet halfway.] Uh… uh… waiting…

JANITOR: For what?

BRAINY: Um… uh… something.

JANITOR: [Rolls his eyes and sighs.] Can you pass me my push broom?

BRAINY: [Hands him the broom.] Here.

JANITOR: Thanks. [Slams the door on Brainy.] This whole school is so backwards… [Walks away. As soon as he's out of sight, Helga sneaks around the corner and makes sure the coast is clear. As soon as she sure, she sneaks into the janitor's closet.]

SCENE: The next day after school at the Arcade. Sid, Gerald, Arnold and Stinky are walking together through the Arcade but not playing anything.

ARNOLD: I don't know, Sid. I feel bad about the whole thing.

SID: Don't worry. He's probably sitting up in that fort eatin' Cheesy Noodles and reading comic books. He'll be back in a week. Besides, the school won't miss him.

ARNOLD: That's mean to say.

SID: No, I mean he's not gonna fail the fourth grade as a high schooler would for missing a week. High school has that stupid rule of where eleven absences during one semester make you fail that class. Elementary is free to allow you to miss as many days as you want. Also, sometimes if you were gone too long after an assignment was assigned it Elementary school, they just excuse from it. The most he may have when he gets back is probably a math ditto. He'll be fine.

ARNOLD: I still feel like it's wrong.

GERALD: Eh, you always do. For once in your life you need to just relax, man. Curly is away for a while, maybe long enough, maybe not… but still it gives us a week to be a little less sick of him and off of the… [Gerald stops. A pounding on the window interrupted him. On the outside window of the Arcade, Curly is pounding to get Sid and Stinky's attention.]

CURLY: [Through the window.] Come on! Hurry!

GERALD: Why's he here?

SID: I don't know but I'm gonna try and get rid of him. [Sid walks out of the Arcade with Stinky.]

ARNOLD: I can't help but feel like I've seen this in a movie somewhere…

GERALD: Oh, you have. [Silenced between them.]

ARNOLD: Well?

GERALD: What?

ARNOLD: Last time I said the same thing, you gave me the title of the movie to remind me.

GERALD: What's your point?

ARNOLD: Oh, nothing. [Silence between the two of them.] Well, whatever movie it was, it happened in a completely different way than right now.

GERALD: Oh, definitely.

ARNOLD: [Silence between them.] Come on, what movie was it? [Silence.] Come on! [Silence.] You don't know what movie it was, do you? [Silence.] You don't.

GERALD: Oh, I do…

ARNOLD: No, you don't.

SCENE: Outside of the Arcade.

SID: What are you doing? There could be snipers on the other building!

CURLY: Quick, get in the car! [Points over to a small black sedan parked in front of the arcade.]

SID: Um… who drove you here? Isn't that you're neighbors car?

CURLY: Yeah, get in!

SID: Where's your neighbor?

CURLY: GET IN THE CAR!

SID: Okay, okay… [Sid and Stinky both get into the car. Curly sits in the driver's seat.] What are you doing?

CURLY: I'm driving.

SID: You can't drive. You can't even take Driver's Training until you're fifteen or so! What happened to the neighbor?

CURLY: Oh, I stole his car.

SID: What? You said he drove you here!

CURLY: No, I said it was his car.

SID: I'm getting out of here. [Curly hits the door lock. Sid stares at him through the rear-view mirror.] You gotta be kidding me, right? [He pushes the door lock up and tries to open the door… but it won't open.] What's going on? [He starts pulling at the door but stops and pounds the window.] Stinky?

STINKY: [He is also pulling at the door.] What?

SID: Child Safety Locks. We're trapped! [View switches from inside to outside with the car peeling out.]

SCENE: Inside the Arcade with Arnold and Gerald… that sounds like a bad show on Bravo. "Inside the Arcade with Arnold and Gerald". "Now, Mario, when you… eat the flower… and spit fire… how do you feel?"

ARNOLD: Huh… now I know I've seen that in a movie.

GERALD: No, I don't believe there's ever been a movie where some little kid is forced in an extreme situation to drive a automobile using only the knowledge he has gathered from playing one too many video games.

ARNOLD: [Silence between them.] Nope, I know I've seen this in a movie. I think it was a cartoon.

GERALD: Nah, I believe this is something completely original.

ARNOLD: [Silence between them.] Are you sure?

GERALD: Positive.

SCENE: In the car with Curly, Sid and Gerald… once again, another Bravo show gone bad… maybe Discovery channel…

CURLY: [He's swerving off and on the road.] Ya see; I knew that just being in the town that I would be a sitting duck to the mercenaries sent to kill me. I feel since I can't leave by bus or plane, that I'd have to travel by car. My parents wouldn't let me take their car, so I had no choice but to…

SID: Wait! You didn't…

CURLY: Yeah! Bound and gagged them and shoved 'em in a closet.

SID: [Leaning forward and confused.] I don't know whether or not I should feel relieved or deeply disturbed.

CURLY: Well, they would've only snitched to the assassins.

SID: [Shrugs.] Well, I guess that makes sense.

STINKY: [Starts crying.] I'm being kidnapped! I'm being kidnapped and I'll never see Helga again!

CURLY: Are you two buckled up? [Curly makes a very sharp around a street corner and sends Sid and Stinky tumbling in the back seat.] You know it's a law.

SID: [Utters out with Stinky leaning on him.] As it should be.

SCENE: Two cops sitting in a cop car at a parking lot near a car wash, parked right next to the sidewalk.

COP 1: So, then what happened?

COP 2: Well, they were getting ready to fire McRedding. They always'll pick out who gets paid the most in a low position to get fired.

COP 1: Ah, the overly paid are the ones who are always jerks. The highest-paid one is always the biggest. [Starts chuckling.]

COP 2: It used to be me. I was demoted a month ago.

COP 1: [Stops laughing.] Sorry.

COP 2: Anyway, he knew he was getting canned so him and his friends hi-jacked the fax machine from the copy room. You know the one that was always breaking down.

COP 1: Yeah.

COP 2: They stole it, took it to a field, and just beat the daylights out of it with a Louisville slugger.

COP 1: Huh… I can't help but think I've seen that before in a… [A car comes speeding by on the sidewalk and nudges the nose of the cop car, spinning it fifteen degrees or so.] What was that?

COP 2: Do you have your seat belt on? [He flicks on the siren and pulls the car out.]

SCENE: Curly is driving the car and the cop starts following behind with the lights on.

CURLY: I knew this was gonna happen sooner or later. [He grips the steering wheel with only one hand, swerving while acting, and pulls a smoke bomb and a lighter out of the glove box.]

SID: [Glaring at the smoke bomb.] Who do you think you are? Batman?

CURLY: [Very cheesy.] I'm a man. I'm a man at the end of his rope on the lam from the cops. I'm a man who…

COPS: [From PA system in car.] Driver, pull over! Pull over or we shall be forced to open fire!

CURLY: I don't have time for this. [Takes both hands off the steering wheel and steers with his knees, now swerving to the wrong side of the road. He lights the smoke bomb and throws it out of the window.]

SCENE: In the cop car, the bomb bounces on the window, off the side of the car, and in through the driver's side window, spewing smoke inside of the car.

COP 1: I can't see!

COP 2: Really now?

COP 1: AHHHHH! [Pulls the car over and parks. We can't see it, but he grabs for the microphone on his 2-way radio.] All units, we have a speeding black sedan going down Chestnut. License plate Alpha-Georgia-Mary six hundred forty-seven. [Pauses.] Trust me, it's not hard to miss.

SCENE: Inside the car, Curly swerves onto the bridge ramp. You know, the bridge that goes over the town and is in all those overhead pictures of the city. While he does this, a new helicopter flies over head.

CURLY: [Sticks his head out of the window.] They're sending the choppers after me!

SID: CURLY, WATCH OUT! [Sid points to a large diesel truck that's coming right for them.] AHHHHHHHHH! [Curly turns out of the way and into the other lane.] Next time when you decide to steal a car, make sure you can drive first!

CURLY: If I can ride a bike, I can drive.

SID: Apparently not!

STINKY: [Is crying.] I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die and Helga's just gonna forget about me!

SID: [Slaps his own forehead.] Stinky, we're gonna make it out of this and you'll be able to see Helga again. Right now, could you please be worried about the more important subject at hand? [Cringes in his seat at Curly's driving and then takes his attention to Stinky.] Hey, remember that time we were running from the cops?

STINKY: [Still crying a little.] Yeah, we thought we were anyway.

SID: Yeah, those were some good times. [Pauses.] Never thought we'd really be on the run from the police. [Pauses even longer.] Hey, how'd we get out of that last one?

STINKY: Arnold.

SCENE: At the Sunset Arms boarding house, Arnold and Gerald are watching TV.

TV: [While the credits to some show are playing.] Coming up on the after-school news, channel seven's new attempt to make children more interested in current events, a car theft leads to a lengthy chase by police. [A square in the corner shows a picture of Curly driving the black car with Sid and Stinky.] Details coming up… [Whispering.] …Do I have to say it? Fine! [Talking.] Details coming up… dude…

ARNOLD: You just saw that, right?

GERALD: Yeah… and?

ARNOLD: They're in trouble! We have to go and save them!

GERALD: How do you suppose we do that?

ARNOLD: [Thinking.] Okay, you win.

GERALD: Hey, what else is on?

SCENE: In the car, Curly is driving and ahead on the bridge is a police barricade – where they line cop cars in a row to stop the oncoming car. Curly turns swiftly to try and hit them in the corner to break it up.

CURLY: Don't worry, I've done this all the time on Grand Theft Vehicle Five.

SID: Stinky, now's the time where you can cry like a sissy. [They ram into the last cop car on the right side and actually push right through the cement siding of the bridge and flip the car over the edge with how fast they were going… okay, that didn't make sense, so let me explain this deeper. The car hits the side railing of the bridge very fast and the cement put around the metal structuring cracks right off. Since the car was going so fast, the impact of hitting the cement brought the back of the car up so far that it somersaulted the car over the side of the bridge. So now the car is flipping forward over the side of the bridge and everyone is screaming. The car falls hard on the ground, tires down, and all that happens is that the bumper and all the hubcaps pop off and a large crack develops in the back window. When they realize they're alive, the kids in the car take their hands off of their heads and look around and laugh.] We're alive! We're alive!

CURLY: Yeah! But the car stalled out. [Curly turns the car back on and keeps driving.]

STINKY: We're gonna die in this car, ain't we Sid?

SID: Yes we are, Stinky. Yes we are.

CURLY: [Drives through a green light and another car at the intersection going the other way (who had the red) slams right into the side of the car. The car does a one-eight to flip it going the other way and the rear tires fall off.] What just happened?

SID: Yes! We're not gonna die in this car after all! We're safe! [At that moment the rear windshield for no reasons busts out and shatters to pieces all over the back of the car, not inside. Sid is shocked.] We're free! We're free! [Sid crawls out of the back window.] Ow… ow… glass… cutting me… [Stinky follows him.]

CURLY: Where are you two going? They're gonna be after you too!

SID: [Runs out of the picture with Stinky.] We're free! WE'RE FREE!

CURLY: Fine! I'll take on the police myself! [Steps out of the car. The instant he does, cops surround him and get out of their cars bearing guns.]

COP 3: FREEZE! [The cops also pull in to where Sid and Stinky were escaping.]

STINKY: What do we do now, Sid?

SID: Um… uh… We're screwed, Stinky.

To be continued in Act III… as soon as I write it… I just wanted to post this much as soon as possible…

Yeah, I said it was going to be two acts… well, now it's three. It's coming soon… After that, no more acts…

Those people on shore; look at them. They'll never know the simple pleasures of a monkey knife fight…

All rights reserved. ©Shaun Blankenship. Used with permission.