A WORD FROM THE PRODUCERS:

Crude language, violence, spelling mistakes and out-of-character behavior. Oh yeah, we've got it all and you know you like it. Who's your daddy? Say it louder. Oh yeah.

SEASON II

EPISODE I: Potty Language

*****

HEAVEN. A soundstage made to look like a living room. All over are vases filled with geraniums; in fact, the set looks like a garden. There is a nice coffee table situated before three overstuffed chairs. On the table are a phone, more geraniums and three coffee mugs. The first mug reads "I love everything" the second reads "I don't" and the final mug reads "God made me perfect." REM SAVEREM, SPIKE SPIEGEL and NICHOLAS DILBERT WOLFWOOD are sitting in the chairs sipping from their respective mugs (Guess which mug goes to each person.).

WOLFWOOD: Welcome to the Afterlife Coffee Break, I'm Nicholas D. Wolfwood.

SPIKE: And I'm Spike Spiegel. I'd like to extend my thanks to all the viewers who sent flowers and cards to Dominique the Cyclops who is recovering nicely from wounds received when the set exploded. She wants us to tell you that she and all her personalities really appreciate the well wishes. Hopefully she'll be back to her old, insane self in no time. In fact, most of her body parts have been relocated.

WOLFWOOD: I'd like to say that it's good to be back hosting the show and we're glad to have you with us.

SPIKE: We're also glad to have a new host joining us today; please welcome Rem Saverem.

REM: (waving to the camera) Hello!

SPIKE: Why don't you tell the viewers a little bit about yourself.

REM: (smiling) Gladly! I am a former crew member of the now extinct Project SEEDS. I died a rather violent death, which wasn't to say "pleasant".

SPIKE: Going "Boom" is never "pleasant".

REM: But all things happen for a reason! For instance, since my death, I've been working for the Heavenly Censors making sure that everything shown on the air is nice and loving and non-violent and pleasant.

SPIKE: Ugh.I almost miss Hell.

REM: And it's because of the violence on this show that I've been asked to step in and keep an eye on you two..

WOLFWOOD: But the violence only started after Legato joined!

REM: Well, none of that really matters now. God's worried that Legato was a bad influence on you two so I'm here to be a positive influence and keep you from attacking each other and swearing and screaming and.

SPIKE: (interrupting) So.you're here to suck all the fun out of death?

REM: Exactly.

WOLFWOOD: You're a watchdog!

REM: Well, my interference will be minimal provided you behave.

SPIKE: (very putout) Well that's just great. Anything else you care to add?

REM: Hmmm.well, besides working for the censors, I'm also a nature lover. There are so many things that make me happy. I love flowers and butterflies and trees and raindrops and kittens and tuna and little fuzzy squirrels and...

FIVE HOURS LATER..SPIKE has fallen asleep and WOLFWOOD is yawning heavily.

REM: .and baby seals and poison arrow frogs and rattle snakes and flies and roaches and amoebas and.

WOLFWOOD: (interrupting) Oh God! Spare me! That's enough! Let's get on with the show already. Wake up Spike!

SPIKE: (wiping away the drool) Right.okay.First off, Nick, why don't you tell us what you learned on your little field trip to Hell.

WOLFWOOD: (snarling) What I learned? I learned that everything bad in the world is Legato's fault! He DESERVES to be in Hell!

SPIKE: You got sent there too...

WOLFWOOD: But it was all that death-obsessed, long-haired, vision- impaired, hand-licking, psychopath's fault!

REM: Placing the blame doesn't do anybody any good.

WOLFWOOD: But it makes me feel better. And anyway, YOU owe us all an apology Spike!

SPIKE: An apology! What for?

WOLFWOOD: Hmm.where to start? First of all, it's because of your out of control hormones that Legato hosted with us in the first place!

SPIKE: For the last time: I WAS SICK!

WOLFWOOD: NOBODY believes that, you know. Secondly, we've had to postpone the show for weeks because you destroyed the set!

REM: But you have to admit, the new set looks much better than the old one.

SPIKE: SEE!

WOLFWOOD: Whatever.

SPIKE: Besides, you got sent to Hell to learn the value of love and peace.

REM: What a GREAT idea!

WOLFWOOD: Fine. I'll say that I at least APPRECIATE Heaven more than I did before.

SPIKE: So are you going to stop complaining about it so much?

WOLWOOD: Of course!

SPIKE: I really find that hard to believe...

WOLFWOOD: Fuck you.

REM: (sternly) Watch your language!

SPIKE and WOLFWOOD simply stare at REM for a moment in surprise.

SPIKE: (recovers and starts chuckling) Good one, Rem! You had me for a moment there! Good joke.

REM: I'm not joking.

WOLFWOOD: (uncertainly) You're serious?

REM: One hundred percent serious. You really can't use language like that.

SPIKE: Umm.is there a list or something?

REM: Absolutely. You aren't allowed to use the "B" word or the "S" word and especially not the "F" word.

WOLFWOOD: So "dammit" is still okay, right? How about "Bastard"?

REM: No! I wasn't finished.

SPIKE: There's more? Motherfucking son of a.

REM: That's on the list too by the way.

WOLFWOOD: Is there ANYTHING we CAN say?

REM: There are lots of things you can say!

WOLFWOOD: Well help me out here because I think you've eliminated all the really good ones.

REM: That's not true! You still have: shucks, darn, rats, goodness, yowzers, oh my.

SPIKE looks horrified and leans over to WOLFWOOD to share with him his opinion that this blows.

SPIKE: (whispering) Okay, this is NOT going to work.

WOLFWOOD: (whispering) You're telling me! We've got to get Legato back...

Somewhere, the polar ice caps melt and it begins to rain frogs and blood on Earth.

REM:.oh no, geez, my-my, uh-oh, yikes, oops, golly .

SPIKE: Oh HELL no, I am NOT saying "golly"!

REM: You're lucky that the "H" word is allowed since it's a location name.

WOLFWOOD: (smiling) Hey! "Ass" is an animal!

REM: (shaking her head) That doesn't work since it has synonyms like "Donkey" and "Mule".

SPIKE: (sneakily) Okay, what if I tell you that I grew up in a sleepy town on Mars called "Bitch" down the street from the "Damn" Grocery store which was right on "Motherfucker" street where I played with my favorite little puppy, "Bastard".

REM: (covering her ears) That won't do at all!

WOLFWOOD: But it's true! I myself am from a small town on Planet Gunsmoke called "Shit".

REM: (a little upset) Listen, you are NOT allowed to talk like that anymore! You have to behave! Please, this is my job! You don't want me to get in trouble do you?

SPIKE and WOLFWOOD look a little guilty for a moment.

WOLFWOOD: Of course we don't want you to get in trouble! Listen, we always strive to please the ladies! We'll clean up our language, right, Spike?

SPIKE only grumbles in reply.

WOLFWOOD: (loudly) I SAID: "Right, Spike"?

SPIKE: Oh fuck, FINE!

REM glares at him.

SPIKE: Um.I mean.(defeated) "Oh golly, fine."

REM: That wasn't so hard, was it?

SPIKE doesn't answer because he has run off the set to go wash his mouth out with soap, something he's had to do a lot lately (he used an entire bar to get rid of Legato's germs).

SPIKE: (running away) I feel so dirty! Arghhhhhhhh!!!!

REM and WOLFWOOD watch his retreating form. WOLFWOOD shrugs his shoulders.

REM: Thanks so much for cooperating Nick, I really appreciate it!

WOLFWOOD: Don't get the wrong idea. I think that we'll probably be the one's influencing you in the long run.

REM: (worriedly) What do you mean?

WOLFWOOD: I bet we'll have you cursing like a Badlad before you're time with us is up.

REM: (crossing her arms) I don't think so!

WOLFWOOD: We'll see.

SPIKE returns looking sullen. He plops down in his seat and can't even manage a scowl at REM.

SPIKE: Okay. Let's take a call or two.

The phone rings and WOLFWOOD hits the button. Static is heard followed by what sounds like a maniacal chuckle.

WOLFWOOD: Hello? Caller, are you there?

CALLER: Oh.I'M here...and ALIVE, which is more than I can say for Rem!

REM: Well that wasn't very nice.

CALLER: I don't have to be nice to dead people!

SPIKE: Sir, would you please state your name and where you're calling from?

CALLER: Oh.I'm calling from a place where I'M STILL alive, whereas Rem is dead, dead, DEAD!

REM: (somewhat upset) You're really rude!

CALLER: And you're dead! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Bwa HA HA HA HA! How does blowing up feel? BOOM! BOOM!!! BOOOOOM! And nobody missed you! Ha ha! Human waste! Dead human waste!

REM: Now stop that!

WOLFWOOD: (scratching his chin) That voice sounds familiar.

CALLER: (singing to "Ding-dong the witch is dead" from "The Wizard of Oz") Ding-dong, the BITCH is dead, the BITCH is dead, the BITCH is dead! Ding- dong the wicked BITCH is dead!

REM: (shaking with anger) Now that's just enou..

CALLER: (cuts her off) Mind if I call you "Worm food"? Hey, I have a message from the land of the living: "We're all terribly glad that you're dead, please stay that way!" Ha,ha!

REM: PLEASE sto.

CALLER: You're so dead that if you decomposed anymore you'd be.

REM: (stands) SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU SHIT-FACED LITTLE PENCIL-DICKED BASTARD!

ALL fall very silent.

WOLFWOOD: Wow...that was quick...I should have put money on it...

CALLER: (sounding hurt) Gosh, Rem.Golly, you don't have to be so mean.

REM: Hang the fucking phone up you little twerp. Call again and you sing soprano.

CALLER: Sorry ma'am.

REM: PISS OFF!

The line goes dead.

REM is seething with anger and WOLFWOOD and SPIKE are sending worried looks in her direction.

SPIKE: (cautiously) And so.that's all the time we have for today's show. It's been an interesting episode and I think we've all learned a valuable lesson.

WOLFWOOD: Yes we have. We've learned that in times of stress, even the most peaceful among us will resort to cursing like a common street thug.

REM: DON'T get me started on YOU choir boy.

WOLFWOOD: Sorry ma'am.

SPIKE: Join us for the next episode when the special guest will be Aeris Gainsborough from Final Fantasy 7...So until the next time.

SPIKE and WOLFWOOD: Stay dead and stay bitter about it!

REM: And kiss my entire ass.

To be continued...