A WORD FROM THE PRODUCERS:

Banana.

A WORD ON OOC:

Banana.

SEASON II EPISODE II: "Frankly my dear Legato, I don't give a damn!"

*****

HELL. A very nice set with black leather furniture and lava lamps. Sitting in comfortable chairs and relaxing with their beer mugs are VICIOUS and LEGATO W. BLUESUMMERS (Don't ask him what the "W" stands for, it only makes him angry). VICIOUS' mug reads "Are you talkin' to me? Are YOU talkin' to me? You must be talkin' to me 'cause I don't see anybody else here." LEGATO's reads "Don't kill: I hate competition." The lights come on and only LEGATO smiles into the camera. (All the dolphins in the world wash up onto shore dead)

VICIOUS: (takes a deep breath) Welcome to the Afterlife Drinking, Fornicating, Lying, Stealing, Murdering, Vanity, Gluttony, and, of course, Smoking Break...

LEGATO: (confused) Hold it, hold it....did the title of the show...just get...longer?

VICIOUS: We added a few sins in your honor...

LEGATO: (uncertain) Vanity and Gluttony...thanks...I think....

VICIOUS: No problem! We just wanted to make you feel at home!

LEGATO: Well...on that note, welcome to the show, I'm Legato, Legato Bluesummers.

VICIOUS: And I'm Vicious.

LEGATO: You know, we really should work on getting you a last name, it's anti-climactic to hear my name and then for you to follow up with "I'm Vicious." The audience is left to wonder: "Vicious WHO?!"

VICIOUS: I'm too evil for a last name...

LEGATO: I BEG your pardon! Not to brag but I have a last name and I killed quite a few more people in my show than you did in yours...

VICIOUS: Yes, but I killed more characters that the audience had a strong emotional connection to.

LEGATO: I don't think so! I got Wolfwood! Don't ask me why but everybody loved that guy! He ranks above anybody you got...

VICIOUS: No good, I've got Gren AND Spike. In addition to that, Shin and his brother, Chin, both died as a result of MY actions. And to top it all off, Julia's death is my fault too!

LEGATO: (scoffing) Are you kidding? Nobody liked Julia...

VICIOUS: (thinking) Hmmm...you're right. Even still...all you did was kill a gang or two....

LEGATO: I'm not buying any of that. And I think you know there's only one way to solve this kind of conflict...

VICIOUS: (standing) I think you're right.

Somewhere "Blood and Thunder" begins to play...

LEGATO: (stands to join VICIOUS) All right then, let's get this over with...

A REFEREE falls onto the set.

REFEREE: (shouting) Janken!

LEGATO: (angrily) Oh that is SO annoying!

REFEREE: (nervously) What is?

VICIOUS: Using Japanese in an English language story...

REFEREE: But it's a cultural thing! If I used English, it wouldn't have the same effect!!!

LEGATO: Hmmm...gee, well let me think...It wouldn't have the same 'effect' but everybody WOULD KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! Tough decision there buddy...

REFEREE: (snottily) Fine! I'll use English if it will make you happy...

VICIOUS: Actually, I think you should use English to save your sorry ass, but have it your way.

LEGATO: And can we do it from the top please?

The REFEREE stalks off the stage and LEGATO takes his seats again while VICIOUS remains standing.

LEGATO: (irritated and mechanical) I'm not buying any of that. (stifles a yawn) And I think you know there's only one way to solve this kind of conflict...(scratches himself)

VICIOUS: (obviously reading from a script) I think you're right. (picks his nose)

Somewhere "Blood and Thunder" begins to play...

LEGATO: (stands to join VICIOUS and looks bored) All right then, let's get this over with...

A REFEREE falls onto the set.

REFEREE: (shouting) Jank...oops I mean: Paper, Rock, Scissors!

VICIOUS: Oh for the love of Satan!

REFEREE: (indignantly) What's wrong NOW?

LEGATO: It's ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS!

REFEREE: The fucking order doesn't matter!

LEGATO: Yes it DOES!

Off stage, a voice is heard, it's the DIRECTOR.

DIRECTOR: Guys, just play the game, settle your petty argument and get on with the filming already...

VICIOUS: Oh fine!

VICIOUS and LEGATO face each other. The Clint Eastwood whistle music plays gently as dust and tumbleweeds blow past them.

LEGATO: (twanging like a cowboy) I've got three objects I kin make with these here hands of mine and so do you...so we're even there, but I've got the advantage... I got two hands here pard'ner, and one of 'em ain't mine. That hand belongs to a notorious gunmen, known for his bullets never missin' their mark... Now you gotta ask yourself something: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya, punk?

VICIOUS: (confused) Er....what the hell are you talking about?

LEGATO: Oh never mind! You are so uncultured!

REFEREE: On the count of three! Iti, ni, san...

VICIOUS: Count in English you little bastard!

REFEREE: FINE! One, two, three!

LEGATO and VICIOUS both throw out their hands. LEGATO's fingers are in the shape of scissors and VICIOUS has made paper.

LEGATO: (strutting around the stage) Whoo hoo! Look at me and my bad self! Who's the man? Who's the man! Time out! Holla' back ya'll! I'm one bad mother...

REFEREE: Shut yo mouth!

LEGATO: But I'm just talkin' bout Legato!

REFEREE: Then we can dig it!

VICIOUS: (upset) Best two out of three!

LEGATO: No way! You have to call that before the game starts! It's too late now!

VICIOUS: Says who?

LEGATO: Says me!

VICIOUS: Well you're wrong! That's a stupid rule!

LEGATO: No, you're just a bad loser!

DIRECTOR: Dammit! Sit down and follow the script! Legato is a bigger bad- ass than you and that's it! Got it!

VICIOUS: Do you want to die Mr. Director?

DIRECTOR: Already dead. Sit down and finish the show.

VICIOUS and LEGATO (who is smiling far too much which makes all the vultures eating the dolphins drop down dead...Legato just has that kind of effect when he smiles) take their seats and face the camera.

LEGATO: Here on the...(forgets the title which is now too long)...here on the...SHOW we've got some exciting developments, right Vicious?

VICIOUS: (to LEGATO) Fuck you. (to the camera) Yes, we do have some exciting things going on! Right now, Sephiroth is negotiating his contract with the producers. He'll be joining us later...

LEGATO: Hopefully, the producers will realize what I've known all along: that Sephiroth is far too lame to be the host and that I outweigh him in evilness by tons.

VICIOUS: (eyeing LEGATO) Hmmm...you outweigh him in more than evilness, have you looked at yourself lately? You should cut down on the cheesecake...

LEGATO: (horrified) Are you insane! I have the same flawless figure that I had when I died! I'm a freakin' Adonis!

VICIOUS: Not so much anymore...I'll give you credit for the figure you USED to have, but you're getting a little fat around the middle. Spare tires aren't really attractive you know...

LEGATO: (looking down at his midsection) Is it...is it true? Master would call me names if he saw me!

LEGATO gets up and runs dramatically off the set to an outdoors scene at sunset. LEGATO appears in silhouette holding radishes.

LEGATO: (as Scarlet O'Hara) As God as my witness, I'll never eat cheesecake again!

VICIOUS: Ugh...now that is just WRONG...

LEGATO returns to the set. He sits down and acts as if nothing strange has happened at all.

VICIOUS: Okay...we're going to JOIN Legato and PRETEND like we NEVER saw that...But as we were saying, in addition to contract negotiations, Sephiroth is working on getting us a Universal Passport!

LEGATO: For you viewers at home who are unfamiliar with the term, we'll explain. When you die, you have to stay where you're placed unless the circumstances are special...

VICIOUS: Like Legato who got thrown out of Heaven like a little bitch!

LEGATO: (ignores him) People in Purgatory get to move around a bit more, but they're just quitters. Pretty much it boils down to dead people never getting to leave Hell or Heaven...ever.

VICIOUS: There are ways around it and the Universal Passport is one of them!

LEGATO: If we get it, we are granted leave to visit any anime universe we choose and film the land of the living!

VICIOUS: The only downside is that we can only converse with the living. They'll be able to see us, but we won't be allowed to decapitate them...

LEGATO: ...or break their bones...

VICIOUS: ...or shoot them out of the sky...

LEGATO: ...or taste their cooking....

VICIOUS: Fat ass...

LEGATO: Wuss!

At that moment SEPHIROTH walks onto the set looking a bit tired. He's dragging his sword behind him and flops down onto an empty chair. A stage hand immediately brings him a beer mug that reads "Sephiroth is Namekian for: 'He who burns popcorn and villages'" He takes a long sip and then looks at his co-hosts.

VICIOUS: Well! What happened?

SEPHIROTH: They cut my pay...

LEGATO: Well, you suck, what did you expect?

SEPHIROTH: Don't piss me off freakshow, I've got no problem with introducing Masamune to your appendix...

VICIOUS: Enough with the Japanese already!

The REFEREE walks back onto the set.

REFEREE: Technically, "Masamune" is the name of his sword...

VICIOUS: (stands slowly and draws his sword) That's funny because my sword is named "Kill the Fucking Referee"! Good name, don't you think?

REFEREE: (running away) Run away! Run away!

VICIOUS chases him off the set leaving SEPHIROTH and LEGATO alone together, they're remarkably unfazed by VICIOUS' behavior.

LEGATO: Well...what about the Universal Passport?

SEPHIROTH reaches into his coat and pulls out three little leather folders with shining gold lettering that reads "Universal Passport."

LEGATO: You got them!

SEPHIROTH: (tosses LEGATO's to him) Yeah, it took some doing, but I got them. I'm beat...

LEGATO looks at his picture in the passport.

LEGATO: Holy shit! I'm a blimp!

SEPHIROTH: Well, you have been hitting the cheesecake pretty hard...don't stress too much, it's just winter weight...

LEGATO: You fucking moron! I'M IN HELL! It's hot all the time! It's a bloody sauna! I should be losing weight not picking it up!

VICIOUS returns with his sword dripping with a red liquid...

SEPHIROTH: So I guess you got the Referee...

VICIOUS: I wish...he dodged and I ended up stabbing the leader of the Roderick Gang...

LEGATO: Whoo hoo!

VICIOUS: The little prick used the confusion to run away...the next time I see him...I'm going to blow him up...with a grenade...

LEGATO: Why do you and Spike hate each other again? You're just alike...

VICIOUS: (eye twitching) Don't ever....EVER ....say that again....

SEPHIROTH: (tosses VICIOUS his passport) I got the Universal Passports...

VICIOUS: That's great! (looks down at his photo) Wow...I look great in this picture! Dark colors really are flattering! I look so thin and trim!

LEGATO is sobbing quietly.

VICIOUS: (still looking at the picture) Look at that cute little birdie! Birdie-Wordie!

LEGATO: "Birdie-Wordie?"

VICIOUS: Doesn't my bird look adorable in this shot?

SEPHIROTH: No...You have the ugliest bird I've ever seen actually...

VICIOUS: That's because you're jealous! You never had a faithful pet...

SEPHIROTH: That's not true...Cloud was housebroken and took up very little space on the floor....

LEGATO: Please keep any other details about that to yourself...

VICIOUS: Well, now that we have these little babies, we can go wherever we like!

LEGATO: And I know just the place! First stop: Planet Gunsmoke!

SEPHIROTH: Like Hell! We are NOT going to that ridiculous planet and it's fifteen million suns and deserts...

LEGATO: We only have two suns!

VICIOUS: Either way, Sephiroth is right, there is no way we're going there...

SEPHIROTH: That's right, we're going to Midgar...

VICIOUS and LEGATO: WHAT?

SEPHIROTH: I said we're...

VICIOUS: We HEARD what you said and it's a definite NO!

LEGATO: I agree. That city was lame and so was your entire planet...Why exactly did you want to marry it?

SEPHIROTH: Become ONE with it DAMMIT!

VICIOUS: Does that entail a prenuptial agreement?

LEGATO: Yeah, what if the planet has an affair with another psychopath...

VICIOUS: Who gets custody of all the little meteors?

SEPHIROTH: Neither of you understands anything!

VICIOUS: It doesn't matter...we're going to Mars...

LEGATO: Er...why? You don't have anybody to talk to there....

VICIOUS: Hmm...You know, you're right...all my followers are probably either dead or arrested. My organization has no leadership anymore and I didn't have any friends...

LEGATO: Some things never change!

SEPHIROTH: Okay, so we're back to square one, where the hell are we going?

VICIOUS: (snaps his fingers excitedly) I know! Maybe we should pick someone particularly interesting who's still alive...We'll just go wherever they live! Everybody, think really hard...

JEOPARDY music begins to play. VICIOUS, LEGATO and SEPHIROTH wear expressions that shift from confusion to absolute uncertainty. The music comes to an end.

LEGATO: Got anybody?

SEPHIROTH: There's Tifa...

VICIOUS: Dammit Sephiroth! We said, "interesting!"

SEPHIROTH: Oh...right...

LEGATO: The Master is very interesting...

SEPHIROTH: You mean that "Knives" guy, don't you?

LEGATO: Say his name with respect!

SEPHIROTH: Actually...can I be honest with you?

VICIOUS: (resignedly) Oh, why not?

SEPHIROTH: I'd prefer if we didn't go to Planet Gunsmoke to interview him...

LEGATO: (barely hiding his anger) Why?

SEPHIROTH: He...he...scares me...

VICIOUS and LEGATO stare at him wit disgust carved into their expressions.

LEGATO: Oh for the love of...

VICIOUS: That's it! We're going to Planet Gunsmoke! Sephiroth, you had better grow a pair between then and now...

LEGATO: Like coconuts...

SEPHIROTH: I want my Mommy!

VICIOUS: Well, that's all the time we have for today's show...

LEGATO: Join us next time where we'll be filming on location from Planet Gunsmoke!

SEPHIROTH: (crying) So...until...(sniffles) then....

ALL: Stay dead and stay evil!

To be continued....