A WORD FROM THE PRODUCERS:

This episode just goes to show you that, even when you're dead, the all mighty Woolong...Double dollar...Gil...oh whatever! Dammit! MONEY still makes the world go round!

A NOTE ON MUSICAL NUMBERS

Well, they're not always popular, and some people skip episodes that have them, but be warned, the following has a musical number at the end! Gasp! We the producers recommend having "You're the First, My Last, My Everything" on hand in case you do stick to the end for the musical festivities.

SEASON II

EPISODE III: The Wolf-ettes, in concert!

*****

HEAVEN. On the set of the "Afterlife Coffee Break". REM SAVEREM, SPIKE SPIEGEL and NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOD are sipping from blank mugs and sitting in comfortable, but well-worn chairs. There is an empty seat beside REM for the guest. Before them is a nice coffee table with a telephone and a bouquet of flowers. The set is clean and comfortable but is obviously missing a few things.

The studio lights come on.

WOLFWOOD: Hello everyone! Welcome to the Afterlife Coffee break. I'm Nicholas D. Wolfwood.

SPIKE: I'm Spike Spiegel.

REM: And I'm Rem Saverem.

SPIKE: First things first. Because of a certain little outburst that one of our hosts had last time, there are gonna be some changes around here.

REM: I really am sorry, I don't know what came over me.

SPIKE: Yeah, yeah, sure you are...Anyway, because Rem cursed out a caller, she had to go through sensitivity training and we lost some sponsors. This means we're missing the funding to do a lot of the things we used to do. You'll notice that we can't afford clever sayings on our cups anymore and that we had to get rid of some of the set decoration. As for the sponsors we kept, we had to come up with a way to appease them just to get them to stay.

WOLFWOOD: Extra advertising for free seems to be the way to their hearts. So every now and then you'll hear us slip in the name of one of our sponsor's products.

SPIKE: (smiling a cheesy smile, turns to face the camera with a bright pink package in his hands) Like Heaven Brand Diapers.

REM: Never trust your baby's butt to anything but Heaven Brand!

WOLFWOOD: (grumbles) I feel like such a prostitute.

SPIKE: (whispering) YOU? You're not the one holding diapers.

WOLFWOOD: Anyway! Today, we'll be having a special guest visit.

REM: I'm super excited because the guest is Aeris Gainsborough, a nature lover, like myself! I can't wait to talk to her about geraniums and butterflies and spiders and piglets and insurance salesmen and tacos and.

SPIKE: NOT AGAIN! STOP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY!

WOLFWOOD: (is shuffling a stack of blue cards in his hands nervously) I.I'm really glad to get to meet Aeris.

SPIKE and REM eye him suspiciously. They notice that he is turning an attractive shade of pink.

SPIKE: You have a crush on her!

WOLFWOOD: (eyes shifting from side to side) I.I do not!

REM: Oh yes you do! This is so cute! How long has this been going on?

WOLFWOOD: Nothing is going on! I think she's a beautiful and intelligent young woman.

SPIKE: * cough coughMILLYcough coughMILLYcough *

WOLFWOOD ignores him.

REM: (singing) Aeris and Wolfwood sitting in a tree.

REM and SPIKE: K-I-S-S-I-N-G!!!

WOLFWOOD: I DO NOT HAVE A CRUSH!

SPIKE: (singing) First comes love.

REM: (singing) Then comes marriage.

BOTH: Then comes Wolfwood with a baby carriage!

ALL have a vision of WOLFWOOD pushing a stroller and struggling to carry his Cross Punisher at the same time.

ALL: Ugh.

WOLFWOOD: Oh fine! If you really must know, I used to play Final Fantasy 7 all the time. I guess I developed a bit of a crush... After she died in the game, I didn't even want to play it anymore, but I kept going in hopes that she would come back to life.

SPIKE: You know, I heard a rumor that if you had the Game Shark you could get Aeris back.

REM: The Game Shark is an amazing product that helps take your game to a new level.

WOLFWOOD: Oh for the love of.

SPIKE: So Nick, what are all those cards?

WOLFWOOD: (quietly) They're questions I wrote to ask Aeris.

REM: Oh! Let us see! (grabs for them)

WOLFWOOD: (trying to hide the cards) No! Stay back! They're for my eyes only!

SPIKE and REM attack him and wrestle the cards out of his hands. REM gets him in a killer headlock.

SPIKE: (snatches the cards while WOLFWOOD gags) Got 'em! Okay let's see...what does this one say?

WOLFWOOD: (trying to breath around REM's headlock) You can let go now!

REM: Oops! (sits down calmly as if she didn't just strangle a man and peeps over SPIKE's shoulder at the cards)

WOLFWOOD: (gasping for air) Sensitivity training didn't help you at all!

REM ignores him.

SPIKE: (reading the cards with a mocking tone) "Aeris, would you describe for us your ideal man?"

REM an SPIKE exchange a quick look and then burst into laughter.

WOLFWOOD: Cut that out!

REM: (as AERIS) Oh Gee Mr. Wolfwood! I've been hoping to meet a cold blooded killer posing as a priest!

SPIKE: (as AERIS) I really, REALLY hope that his foul smoker's breath caresses my neck night after night!

REM: (as AERIS) I want to meet someone with an impossible accent that keeps me from understanding him. I'd also love it if he were such a cheapskate that he has to make money by carrying around a confessional booth and suckering people out of their money!

SPIKE and REM can't stop laughing. WOLFWOOD tries to snatch the cards back.

SPIKE: Wait! Wait! (holds the card out of WOLFWOOD's reach) Just one more.(reads from the card) "What do you like to do on dates?"

REM: (as AERIS and trying not to laugh) Well, I really like to be picked up on a motorcycle that breaks down and leaves us stranded and at the mercy of strangers and robbers!

SPIKE: (as AERIS) And I don't expect my date to change into anything special! I hope he wears the same dusty, priest's outfit that he wears every other day! It's so sexy!

WOLFWOOD: (angrily to SPIKE) I don't think you can crack on me for never changing clothing!

REM: He has a point.

SPIKE: (to REM) Hey! Who's side are you on?

REM: I'm an equal opportunity bitc.er..girl.

SPIKE: I'm about to start a swear jar.

WOLFWOOD snatches the cards back and hides them in his jacket.

SPIKE: (to WOLFWOOD) You're no fun! All right, fine.since Nick's being a party pooper, let's bring out the guest! Please welcome, Aeris Gainsborough!

AERIS GAINSBOROUGH walks onto the set. She smiles sweetly at the hosts and then settles into the empty chair beside REM. She looks a bit nervous.

REM: Welcome to the show! How are you today?

AERIS: I'm feeling just fine, thank you, and yourself?

REM: I'm also feeling just fine, I'd say it's the chairs we're sitting in, I've never been so comfortable in my life!

WOLFWOOD: (stiffly) Why Rem, these are LazyCadaver recliners, didn't you know?

SPIKE: (reading from a queue-card) I should have known since LazyCadaver is a division of Heaven Brand Furniture, the feeling is like...nothing.in this world (mutters under his breath) God that is so cheesy...

AERIS: (confused) Well, the chairs are nice, but.

REM: (cuts her off) We'll explain later.

WOLFWOOD: (stuttering) S...so Aeris, c...can you t...tell us what you've been up to since you.well.you know.

AERIS: (smiling) Well, I've been managing a flower shop here in Heaven.

SPIKE: How's business?

AERIS: Good, good.we do have some competition from this huge and evil company. You may have heard of them and their horrible policies! Heaven corporation! They're terrible, terrible!

SPIKE, REM and WOLFWOOD: (look horrified at AERIS)

REM: Shhhh! Are you crazy?

AERIS: (confused) What? They really have bad business tactics! They threaten anyone who gets in their way! They're worse than the Shinra!

The transmission abruptly cuts off. LEGATO W. BLUESUMMERS temporarily appears on the screen before an all white background.

LEGATO: Do to...er..."technical problems", the Afterlife Coffee Break cannot be seen at this time. We take you now to a pre-recorded episode of the Afterlife Drinking, Fornicating, Lying, Stealing, Murdering, Vanity, Gluttony, and, of course, Smoking Break...

PLANET GUNSMOKE. SEPHIROTH, VICIOUS, and LEGATO W. BLUESUMMERS are trudging through the desert and looking miserable.

SEPHIROTH: Must.have.water.

VICIOUS: I'm hallucinating.I keep thinking I see Spike only he has really short hair and is carrying a saxophone.

LEGATO: I think I am too.I keep thinking I see cheesecake floating in the sky.

SEPHIROTH and VICIOUS: FATASS!

SEPHIROTH: You know Legato, this is YOUR planet! Why in the world can't you handle the heat?

LEGATO: I always used to force people to keep me cool with big feathered fans.

VICIOUS: That doesn't really surprise me.God! What possible reason could there be for this planet to have so many fucking suns?

SEPHIROTH: They did it just to make me miserable! (shaking his fist at the sky) Curse you Legato! Curse you and this stupid planet!

LEGATO ignores him.

VICIOUS: How much longer?

LEGATO: About 50 Isles more.

SEPHIROTH and VICIOUS stop and stare at him.

LEGATO: (frowning at them) What?

SEPHIROTH: What the hell is an 'Isle'?

LEGATO: A unit of measure.

VICIOUS: But WHAT is it? Can you convert it into something we can figure out?

LEGATO: (thinking) Hmm.Well, an Isle is something like a Kilo-Isle only smaller, but not as small as a Meta-Isle.

SEPHIROTH: (to VICIOUS) Do you want to kill him or should I?

VICIOUS: Oh please, let me.

They attack LEGATO and then the signal cuts off. REM SAVEREM appears on the screen before a white background.

REM: This episode of the.(reads the queue-card) I am NOT saying the entire name of their show, it's ridiculous! Suffice it to say that there were "technical problems." We will now take you to The Afterlife Coffee Break already in progress.

HEAVEN.

SPIKE: Alright folks, sorry about the broadcast interruption...We're going to continue with the interview now.

All the hosts look at AERIS who has her arms crossed and is turning a violent shade of red. She looks pissed.

AERIS: I can't believe this! It's censorship! I blame the media!

WOLFWOOD: Come on Aeris! Things will be okay! Let me just say, that I think your flower shop is fantastic!

AERIS: (smiling) Really? You've been to my shop?

WOLFWOOD: (looking at his hands) Well, I usually just stand at the window and look at all the...pretty things inside...

SPIKE: *coughMILLYcoughMILLYcough!*

WOLFWOOD glares at him.

AERIS: It means a lot that you like my store Nick...

WOLFWOOD: R...really?

AERIS: (nervously) Well yes...I'm actually a big fan of yours...

REM, SPIKE and WOLFWOOD stare at her like she just grew a cybernetic arm...

WOLFWOOD: A fan...of mine?

AERIS: Well...yes...I think we have a lot in common...

SPIKE: Hold it! Hold it! How in the WORLD could you feel like you have something in common with him? He's a killer!

AERIS: Well...I know that he's killed people...but he did it for the children. When I first saw Nick's show, I couldn't get over how good and kind he was. And I couldn't help but think that we would have a lot to talk about. We both fought for the innocent and we both believed in the potential for beauty in the world. Also, we both died praying for others, wishing them happiness and safety even though we wanted to stay with them. I think we have...a lot in common...

All the show hosts stare at her with their mouths hanging open.

REM: That was...

SPIKE: beautiful...

WOLFWOOD: (to AERIS) Do you want to get married now or later?

The phone rings.

SPIKE: Well, I guess it is about time to take a caller... (he hits the button)

Static is heard followed by a sweet, feminine voice.

CALLER: Hello Aeris...

AERIS: Tifa! Is that you?

TIFA: Oh yeah, it's me...

AERIS: It's wonderful to hear from you!

TIFA: (snidely) I'm sure it is...

AERIS: (frowns at TIFA's tone of voice) Is something wrong Tifa?

TIFA: (sarcastically) Oh no! I just wanted to call and congratulate you...

SPIKE: Congratulate her for what?

TIFA: Believe it or not, Aeris did the right thing in dying...

AERIS: (looks hurt) What do you mean?

TIFA: Oh! Well, you died and I thought I was lucky! No more competition for Cloud's affections! But do you know what? You got the better end of the deal! And now you've even got someone in Heaven who cares about you! He seems nice and kind...not like Cloud...

REM: Is there something wrong with Cloud?

TIFA: More than "something"! He's a deadbeat! He's taken this whole "I saved the world thing" too far! He doesn't do anything anymore but sit around the house and drink beer! He's getting fat and gross and I really, really wish you hadn't died and left me here with him!

All the show hosts fall silent. In the background over the phone they can hear a voice hollering at TIFA.

CLOUD: (heard over the phone) Woman! Get your butt back in here! I saved the world and I want some sweet lovin'!

SPIKE: That is just nasty...

AERIS: I'm sure it's not that bad Tifa...you two seemed to be so in love...

TIFA: Well, actually, I think I just wanted him cause I couldn't have him...Who'd have thought I'd win by default? (the voice booms again)

CLOUD: Woman! Get in here and pleasure the savior of the world!

REM: Alex would never have dared to talk to me like that...

WOLFWOOD: Yeah, I can just imagine....

TIFA: (to CLOUD) Coming dear! (under her breath) I think I can still perform the Beat Rush and I'm just dying to try it out on you, dear...(to AERIS) Well, I just wanted to congratulate you on making the right decision to die and all. Have a nice afterlife since my life sucks!

The line goes dead.

REM: I actually feel kinda bad for her...

WOLFWOOD: Yeah, but I have to agree with her...I'm kinda glad you died too...or you wouldn't be here with me...

AERIS: (blushes) Well, when you put it that way, I'm glad too...

WOLFWOOD: In fact...I'm so happy to be here with you....that I just have to...sing about it!

Music begins in the background and WOLFWOOD stands and turns to AERIS with a romantic look on his face. He opens his mouth to sing...

DIRECTOR: (stomping his feet and waving his arms around) Oh no, no! None of that!

The music dies abruptly. WOLFWOOD sits down huffily. He pouts and looks at the DIRECTOR.

WOLFWOOD: But Director, I want to sing!

DIRECTOR: Oh dammit! Quit looking at me like that! Darn it...resistance weakening...must fight...Argghhh! Fine! Sing if you want to!

WOLFWOOD jumps up excitedly. The music starts up again. It sounds remarkably like...Barry White?

WOLFWOOD: (to AERIS in a low, Barry White-like voice) We got it together, didn't we?

SPIKE: Uh...how did your voice suddenly change?

WOLFWOOD: (to AERIS, his hips are swaying to the music) We definitely got our thing together, don't we baby? Isn't that nice? I mean really, when you really sit and think about it isn't it really, really nice?

REM: (snidely) I really, really, think that's really, really nice, don't you? Isn't that really nice when you really, really think about it?

WOLFWOOD: (to AERIS) I can easily feel myself slipping more and more away into that simple world of my own...

SPIKE: That's good...could you stay there?

WOLFWOOD: Nobody but you (points at AERIS) and me (points at himself). (he is now somehow wearing a tuxedo and holding a bouquet of roses which he hands to AERIS)

AERIS is squeaking like a teenybopper.

WOLFWOOD: (to AERIS) We got it together baby...

As if by magic, a microphone lowers from the ceiling to hang before WOLFWOOD, the music crescendos...

Suddenly behind him, SPIKE, VICIOUS, REM and LEGATO appear in matching sequined backup-singer outfits. They would like to be known as the "Wolf- ettes" because the world is a bad place...

WOLFWOOD begins to sing...

WOLFWOOD: Ohhh! My first, my last, my everything! And the answer to, all my dreams! You're my sun...

WOLF-ETTES: Suuuun!

WOLFWOOD: My moon!

WOLF-ETTES: Moooon!

WOLFWOOD: My guiding star! My kind of wonderful, that's what you are! I know there's only, only one like you! There's no way, they could have made two! You're, you're all I'm living for. Your love I'll keep for evermore! You're the first..

WOLF-ETTES: (doing bad Temptations-like dance movements) Fiiirst!!

WOLFWOOD: My last!

WOLF-ETTES: My laaaast!

WOLFWOOD: My everything!

AERIS is screaming and grabbing at his leg...

WOLFWOOD: (trying to pull his leg away but only succeeds at dragging AERIS across the floor) In you, I've found so many things...A love so new, only you could bring!

WOLF-ETTES: Can't you see if youuuuu!!!

WOLFWOOD: Can't you see if you,

WOLFWOOD: Ohhh! Ohhh!

WOLFWOOD: ...you'll make me feel this way, you're like a first mornin' dew on a brand new day! I've seen so many waaaaays that I...can looooove you 'til the day I die! You're my reeeeeality yet I'm lost in a, a, a, a dream! You're the first

WOLF-ETTES: Fiiiirst!

WOLFWOOD: My last!

WOLF-ETTES: My laaaaaaaaast!

WOLFWOOD: My EVERYTHING!

The music segues into an instrumental interlude and WOLFWOOD takes the time to dance smoothly for AERIS.

AERIS: Oh my God! Ahhhhh! He's so dreamy!!!!

WOLF-ETTES: (frowning and shaking their heads, well... all of them except for LEGATO who looks like he's having fun...) Ohhhhhhhhh! Oh Ohhhhh!!!!! Ohhhhhhhhhh!!!!

WOLFWOOD stops dancing and grabs the microphone ('cause he's feeling the beat)...

WOLFWOOD: I know, there's only, only oooone like you! There's no way, they could have made two! Girl, you're my reality, but I'm lost in a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a DREAM! You're the first....

SPIKE: I know what you mean about that "dream" part... Oops, I mean: The fiiiiiirst!

WOLFWOOD: You're the last

LEGATO: The laaaaaaaaaaaaast!

WOLFWOOD: MY EVERYTHING!

WOLF-ETTES: EVERYTHIIIIIING!

The microphone raises and WOLFWOOD looks down at AERIS who is ripping at his clothing trying to get a piece of him.

WOLFWOOD: You and me baby... Just you (points at her) and me (points at himself)...Yeah you are the first...the last...my everything....

The music fades out and the WOLF-ETTES take their seats (except for LEGATO and VICIOUS who really don't belong there...)

AERIS: (crying tears of joy) Oh Nick! That was beautiful!

WOLFWOOD: (still as Barry White) No problem sweet thang...how about you and I take a ride to my love shack?

AERIS faints.

SPIKE: (looking at his sequined outfit in disgust before glaring at LEGATO and VICIOUS) Okay! How in the world did you two get into Heaven?

LEGATO: Oh come on! You can't do a musical number and expect me NOT to show up!

ALL shake their heads and agree as they mutter things like "yeah, 'Gato's got to boogie" or "Yeah, Legato's just gotta get his freak on" ...

REM: But how did you get here?

LEGATO: (flashes his universal passport) Read 'em and weep! These babies are good for all sorts of tricks.

WOLFWOOD: I can't believe they gave those to you! (looks at the picture) You look really fat in that picture, Legato...

LEGATO tries to strangle WOLFWOOD but VICIOUS steps in the way.

VICIOUS: Believe it Priest-boy! We are currently on our way to do an on location interview on Planet Gunspokeypokey...

LEGATO: That's "Gunsmoke"! Geez...get it right!

VICIOUS: And on that note, we have to go. We left Sephiroth in the middle of the desert with nothing but a hole-filled canteen and a dog whistle...

REM: Why didn't the dear boy just come up here to do the musical number with you two?

LEGATO: The reason just fainted...besides, he doesn't like sequins...Toodles!

LEGATO and VICIOUS disappear.

SPIKE: They can really cause a lot of trouble now that they have those...

WOLFWOOD: That's true...look how easily they got into Heaven...

REM: Shouldn't we do something about it?

SPIKE: Well...if we don't who will?

WOLFWOOD: Join us next time for the next episode of The Afterlife Coffee Break! I'll be doing another musical number...

REM and SPIKE: Like hell you will!

WOLFWOOD: Ahem! Until then...

ALL: Stay dead, and stay bitter about it!

The studio lights go down and REM and SPIKE leave the set. AERIS comes to...

AERIS: (looking up at WOLFWOOD dreamily) You've got a great voice...

WOLFWOOD: That' ain't all I've got that's great....

He leans towards her and music starts to play, their lips are almost touching when...

A COMMERCIAL BEGINS....

ANNOUNCER: Heaven Brand condoms, for those heavenly nights!

To be continued....