A WORD FROM THE PRODUCERS:

Dokonokuminomonjawaresumakinishiteshizumetarokakora

SEASON II

EPISODE IV: Everyone is free to run with scissors.

*****

PLANET GUNSMOKE. A SMALL VILLAGE ABOUT 200 ISLES OUTSIDE OF LR TOWN. A LIVING ROOM SETTING. SEPHIROTH, LEGATO BLUESUMMERS, and VICIOUS are sitting in comfortable looking chairs (specially delivered from HELL to hold their intangible forms) across from MILLIONS KNIVES who is also reclining in a comfortable chair. A table with a telephone placed on it is situated between the chairs; these are also courtesy of the land of the dead. Camera equipment is set up out of the way.

VICIOUS: Hello, I'm Vicious.

LEGATO: I'm Legato Bluesummers

SEPHIROTH: I'm Sephiroth and this is the Afterlife Drinking, Fornicating, Lying, Stealing, (takes a deep breath) Murdering, Vanity, Gluttony, and, of course, Smoking Break...Whew.

LEGATO: Thanks to the Universal Passport, I've returned home to Planet Gunsmoke for an ultra-special interview! Today, I am happier than I've been since I was blown away by Vash The Stampede. Why, you ask? Because we have with us a man who can only be described as a genius.

"Glory, Glory Hallelujah" begins playing in the background by a professional kazoo orchestra. A flag begins waving behind LEGATO who stands, fists clenched and eyes.er.EYE blazing with passion.

LEGATO: I think of strength when I think of this man! I think of bravery and valor when I think of this man.

SEPHIROTH: I think of CUTLERY when I think of this man.

LEGATO: (ignores him) Search your hearts viewers and tell me if you can find his equal! Throughout all of anime, who else has had the fire, the passion the determination and the power to influence the world like this man?

VICIOUS: (snidely) Gee...Other than GODZILLA I can't think of anybody.

LEGATO: That's because there is no one! Please give a hearty welcome to Millions Knives!

A spotlight shines on KNIVES who has the courtesy to look a tad bit embarrassed. LEGATO takes his seat and the kazoo orchestra moves onto their next gig at the WHITE HOUSE. They take the flag with them.

KNIVES: Thank you for the introduction, Legato. However, I am a little upset that you brought these humans into my home.

SEPHIROTH: Watch what you say! I'm not some trashy human, I am a Cetra.

KNIVES: Etcetera?

SEPHIROTH: CETRA!

KNIVES: Whatever, you're not human, that's good enough for me.but what about him? (looks at VICIOUS with a raised brow)

LEGATO: (scratching his chin) Well.he's human.but he spent his entire life killing off other humans so I'd say he's okay.

VICIOUS flips LEGATO the bird.

LEGATO: (ignores him) We'll be taking some calls later on, but first, let's learn a little about our guest. Master?

KNIVES: I'm a superior being, raised on a ship loaded with filthy humans who were looking for a new place to dwell since they decimated their home planet. I took care of the majority of them in a very nice explosive segment of the show; but that meddling girl Rem kept me from destroying the rest. Ultimately, I want to rid this planet of humans before tea time everyday but I keep running into difficulties. They multiply like rabbits! No, wait. They're like roaches! You can't even kill them off with a microwave.It's so frustrating that I end up saying "Oh screw it, let's just have some Celestial Seasonings and call it a day!"

SEPHIROTH: Other than destroying humans, do you have any other interests?

KNIVES: Well.I like ornamental basket weaving and candle-making. I'm a Gemini and I get along well with Sagittarius. Wait a minute.no I don't. Anyway! My brother is Vash The Stampede and I've been working at getting him to see my point of view for over 100 years. That's a hobby all by itself!

VICIOUS: What exactly are his views?

KNIVES: (mocking as VASH) Humans are good, nobody has a right to kill anyone, I can save the butterfly AND the stinkin' spider.blah, blah, blah

ALL: Ugh.

KNIVES: I know, isn't it disgusting?

LEGATO: Very. But, tell me, this show has millions of human viewers, why did you allow us to interview you knowing that they would be watching and could become wise to your plans to destroy them?

KNIVES: Don't you know that the villain always tells his plans when he thinks he's going to win? In any event, I look at this as an opportunity to say a few things to the humans. You know, get a few things off my chest?

VICIOUS: Is there a special message you want to deliver to the viewers?

KNIVES: Indeed. Since I've lived for 130 years, I have experience and knowledge that is well worth hearing and heeding.

SEPHIROTH: God I want ear plugs right now...

LEGATO: (to SEPHIROTH) Quiet fool! (to KNIVES) The floor is yours.

KNIVES: (clears his throat) Ladies and Gentlemen of the Human race, DO NOT wear sunscreen.

VICIOUS, LEGATO and SEPHIROTH: Excuse me?

KNIVES: If I could offer you only one tip for the future, NOT wearing sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists. This means that wearing sunscreen could potentially save a human life from cancer and tumors. This is, of course, a BAD thing. So sunscreen is out.

LEGATO: (scribbling wildly in a notebook) Oh, this is GOOD stuff.sunscreen bad.cancer good.continue.

Somewhere, serene music begins to play.

KNIVES: Humans, fear the power and beauty of my eternal youth.oh never mind, you will not understand my power and beauty until AFTER I've killed you.

VICIOUS: (frowning in confusion) Now.how EXACTLY is that possible.?

KNIVES: (ignores him) You pathogenic organisms should not worry about the future you don't have.Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to keep me from sneaking into your room late at night with a pillow to suffocate you while you sleep.

SEPHIROTH: You know.I thought I hated humans, but really, you've put me to shame.You take it to an extreme level...

KNIVES: I've only just begun! Legato, are you getting all of this?

LEGATO: Every word, Master.

KNIVES: Good, then I will continue. Do NOT floss.you may very well develop gum disease after several years of refraining from that activity and then you will have a lifetime of pain and dental bills! BWA HA HA!

VICIOUS: I.I really have nothing to say to that.

KNIVES: Don't feel guilty if you don't know what to do with your life.I'm going to destroy your entire race soon so it's pointless to make plans anyway.

LEGATO: Plans.bad.destroying..good

KNIVES: Do not take calcium. Be harsh and cruel to your knees! Run with scissors!

LEGATO: Calcium bad.bad knees good.Running with sharp objects.good.

KNIVES: I said 'scissors'! Tell the humans to run with scissors!

LEGATO: (erasing) Riiiight.

KNIVES: Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll be divorced at 40. Maybe you will dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much.I'm going to kill your spouse, use your children as lawn ornaments and slap you should you ever perform that ridiculous dance.

SEPHIROTH: (shocked) Wait.are you saying.the funky chicken is not allowed?

KNIVES: Anyone caught performing that dance will be executed on sight.

SEPHIROTH: Damn.

KNIVES: Get to know your parents.

VICIOUS: Let me guess.you're going to kill them too?

KNIVES: What other options do I have?

SEPHIROTH: You could invite them to your ornamental basket weaving class...

KNIVES scowls at SEPHIROTH

LEGATO: Master, did I neglect to tell you that Sephiroth is lame?

KNIVES: (shrugs and looks disinterested before continuing) Kill off your siblings.it makes my job easier.

SEPHIROTH: (snaps his fingers) Hey..I've got one! Live in Midgar once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Nibelheim once, but leave before I burn it to a pile of cinders.

KNIVES: (regarding SEPHIROTH with a critical eye) Hmm.Legato, are you sure abut this one being lame? He seems to have potential.

LEGATO: No, no, no.trust me: he's lame.

VICIOUS: Hey, I've got one too. Accept certain inalienable truths: The Sailor Scouts must dance like idiots for their attacks to work!

LEGATO: Speed will never figure out that Racer X is his brother even though the narrator says it loud enough for everyone to hear.

KNIVES: The ending of "Akira" will only make sense after you've taken several illegal substances...

SEPHIROTH: The bad guy always dies at the end.

ALL get very quiet for a minute. They have saddened expressions on their faces and are looking at the ground, obviously thinking about their own tragic deaths. A tear is in the corner of every eye.except for.

KNIVES: WHOO HOO! WHO'S BAD? I'M BAD! GUESS WHO LIVED? I DID! BOO-YAAAA! I AM THE EXCEPTION TO THE RULE! I ROCK MORE ASS THAN BILL CLINTON IN A WHOREHOUSE!

KNIVES stands and does the funky chicken.

SEPHIROTH: Hey! Why do YOU get to do the funky chicken?

KNIVES: (arms flapping) I'm a plant, a superior being.me and the funky chicken go waaaay back.

VICIOUS: Excuse me, did you just say you were.a PLANT?

SEPHIROTH: (mumbles) More like a weed.

LEGATO: That's it! (attacks SEPHIROTH)

KNIVES settles back in his chair and looks at VICIOUS. The fight is raging all around them and they don't really seem to care.

VICIOUS: Got anything else to add?

KNIVES: Hmm.Can I say "Die human scum die" on the air?

VICIOUS: This station broadcasts through Hell, anything goes.

KNIVES: Oh good. Die human scum die.

VICIOUS: Feel better now? Anyway, while my co-hosts are.indisposed, would you mind telling me where the rest of the household is?

KNIVES: (rolling his eyes) Those idiot women are in the other room watching television with the Mini Gung Ho Guns (Wolfwood's 10 children in case you forgot). Vash is.actually, I haven't seen him in days.

VICIOUS: Aren't you worried? He could be out saving and befriending humans.

KNIVES: (shudders) Ugh.don't say things like that.

LEGATO and SEPHIROTH stumble back to their seats. LEGATO'S shoulder spikes are missing and SEPHIROTH'S shoulder armor is cracked.

LEGATO: Ahem.Master, I think maybe we should take a call or two. (hits the speaker phone button)

CALLER: Hello? Knives?

KNIVES: Yes....It is I.

CALLER: Hey, I'm a big fan! I need a bit of advice.

KNIVES: Run with scissors.

CALLER: No, no! I'm not human either! See, I was the villain of a show and I died.but get this! My stupid ex-girlfriend thought I might CHANGE and fight for good the second time around so she gave her life force to me so that I could be reborn!

VICIOUS: Stupid ex-girlfriend, you say? I wonder what Julia's up to.

CALLER: Anyway, since I cashed in on such a sweet deal, I'm not looking forward to dying again anytime soon. Is there anything you can tell me that will allow me to stay evil, kill off good guys AND survive at the end of the series?

LEGATO: Caller, please speak with more reverence when you speak to the Master and.please state your name and where you're calling from.

MAROU: I'm Kikuga no Miko, but my stupid friends, clan and ex-girlfriend called me Marou, and that's okay too. I was king of the Demons of the Earth until my best friend killed me off. I'm calling from Feudal Japan! (The producers wonder who has actually watched "Blood Reign: Curse of the Yoma" where Marou hails from. It's a sci-fi fantasy sort of anime with ninjas! Ninjas rock! Ahem.back to the show.)

KNIVES: Hmmm.Well Marou, you have an interesting dilemma but I think you're on the right track.

MAROU: You do?

KNIVES: Yes. Both you and I survived to the end of the series because of a naïve and utterly stupid associate who had unjustified faith in our latent goodness. This is an untapped resource for villainous success.

VICIOUS: Care to elaborate?

KNIVES: Indeed! I will give you a step by step process. I choose to call this maneuver: the "Vash Special!"

ALL: The Vash Special.

KNIVES: Very good, class! STEP ONE: live as a normal character with no truly evident maniacal traits. Every once in awhile you can slip up and say.I don't know.clutch at your head and hear strange voices.

SEPHIROTH: Ahh.the old Squaresoft "Cloud/Fei" maneuver.(FF7 and Xenogears respectively! Xenogears rocks! Right, back to the show...)

KNIVES: Exactly! This hints at your instability and eventual manifestation of evil powers, dark secret past or general bad attitude. The good news is that if you successfully complete STEP TWO, there will be no problems for you when these occasional outburst occur.

LEGATO: Please, Master, what IS STEP TWO?

KNIVES: STEP TWO! Find a batch of the dumbest, most trusting, and completely innocent friends you can. In my situation, I knew him by default: he was my brother. If you're not lucky enough to have a stupid brother who refuses to kill even the lowliest of spiders, then you have to look elsewhere for stupid friends.

MAROU: This is GOOD stuff! How do I do I find someone as dumb as your brother?

KNIVES: (darkly) Marou.Please understand: only I get to call him names.got it?

MAROU: Oh.okay.

KNIVES: Good. Now, this step isn't as hard as it sounds. There are stupid people waiting to befriend villains and potential villains everywhere you go!

VICIOUS: Just think about all the people who trusted M.D. Geist.

SEPHIROTH: Yeah...could any one person BE more evil?

KNIVES: (chuckling) I think so. But anyway, make yourself a couple of loser friends, and you're on your way to the most effective security blanket the world has ever seen. But wait! There's more! THE FINAL STEP!

ALL: Oh! THE FINAL STEP?

KNIVES: Why yes! THE FINAL STEP in the Vash Special is this: at your moment of potential triumph where, invariably, the good guy arrives to ruin your plans, you have to play the guilt card.

ALL: The guilt card.

KNIVES: WOULD YOU STOP REPEATING EVERYTHING I SAY! Ahem.yes, the guilt card. Remember, the same people who try to stop you at the end are the same suckers who didn't realize you were a bastard at the beginning. You can use your now completely ruined friendship to save your own meaningless life.

ALL: Ohhh.

KNIVES: Say things like: "At least I got to see YOUR face one last time" or "I never meant to hurt YOU"...Cough up a little blood, this gets them every time.You can see the results of something like this, can't you?

LEGATO: Yes.they'll bandage your wounds or perform a healing spell to save your contemptible life.

MAROU: Or... they'll give up their own life force so you can live again! So all I have to do now is find a blind fool as dense as my ex-girlfriend.Wow! You're a genius!

KNIVES: (yawns) I know.

MAROU: Thanks! I'm going to go befriend some unsuspecting villagers and then destroy their homes!

KNIVES: That's the spirit!

The line goes dead.

VICIOUS: Well.that's all the time we have for today.

Suddenly, the door to the room smashes open. MILLY THOMPSON storms into the room holding her stun gun and looking beyond pissed.

LEGATO: Oh.it's that woman again.

MILLY: Excuse me! I'm sorry to interrupt but you have something I need.

MERYL STRIFE stumbles into the room after MILLY and looks from the frightening sight of SEPHIROTH (who is carrying a massive sword) to VICIOUS (who is ALSO carrying a massive sword) to LEGATO (who is licking his hand) to KNIVES (who is scary just on principal).

MERYL: (horrified and scared) I.I.What in the world is going on here!

MILLY: (whispering to MERYL) Which one of 'em looks easiest to bag?

MERYL: What! You aren't bagging anybody!

MILLY shrugs her shoulders and points her stun gun at the one she thinks looks the wussiest.

MILLY: Okay pretty boy, put those hands up!

SEPHIROTH: Hey! Why do I have to be the wuss?

LEGATO: (angrily to SEPHIROTH) How many times do I have to tell you? YOU'RE LAME! L-A-M-E!

MILLY: (to SEPHIROTH) I don't want to hurt you, put your hands where I can see them please!

MERYL: Milly! What is this all about? Put that down and we can work through this without any property damage!

MILLY: Sorry Sempai, but I just can't take this lying down! Mr. Priest has some explaining to do! (to SEPHIROTH) Hand over that Universal Passport!

VICIOUS: (regarding the situation with his usual, sinister calm) Excuse me girl, aren't you aware that we're already dead? We can't give you the passport because we're intangible here. Furthermore, your weapon can't hurt us.

SEPHIROTH: (looks relieved) HA, HA! So there! You can't get me! Nah, nah, nahhh, nah boo boo!

MILLY: (narrows her eyes) Wanna make a bet?

LEGATO: Excuse me.Did you just mention Nicholas D. Wolfwood?

MILLY: Well.yes I did.

LEGATO: Am I to understand that you want the Universal Passport to go to Heaven and cause Nicholas D. Wolfwood pain and suffering?

MILLY: That two-timing priest thinks he can sneak around with that Final Fantasy floozy without me finding out? I'm going to kick his butt!

LEGATO: (jumping up and down with glee.or what passes for glee when you're psychotic) Goodie! Oh Sephyyyyy! Give her the passport.

SEPHIROTH: What!

LEGATO: I said "give her the passport".and don't make me tell you again.

~ To be.CONTINUED! ~