A WORD FROM THE PRODUCERS:
We're playing a little game this episode! Whenever you see a * it means that the writers stole the material. That's right, it's NOT theirs, it's somebody else's. They watch too much TV and have no original ideas of their own. But we figured we'd cook up a prize for anybody that can name all of the references! Give it a shot, it shouldn't be too hard!
A NOTE ON ORIGINAL CHARACTERS
We all know them, the dreaded "Original Characters." This episode contains one. At least he's not a Mary Sue, but you may wish he were once everything is over. Consider yourself warned.
*****
A WHITE SET THAT DOESN'T REALLY EXIST ANYWHERE. LEGATO W. BLUESUMMERS is standing before a camera in a sparkling white tuxedo.
LEGATO: Since it has been awhile since the last airing, let me remind you puny humans what occurred on the last episode of the Afterlife Drinking, Fornicating, Lying, Stealing, Murdering, Vanity, Gluttony, and, of course, Smoking Break. After learning of Nicholas D. Wolfwood's new relationship in Heaven with Aeris Gainsborough, Milly Thompson is a little upset. Armed with a stun gun and a miniscule mind, Milly is determined to make Wolfwood suffer for his transgression. Of course, I support her one hundred percent and think she deserves to receive the Universal Passport, a clever device that allows one to dimension hop with no trouble. As soon as Sephiroth relents and gives up his passport, things will be going very well. Alas, he's being as lame and difficult as usual. Let's see what happens...
*****
PLANET GUNSMOKE. A SMALL VILLAGE ABOUT 200 ISLES OUTSIDE OF LR TOWN. A LIVING ROOM SETTING. LEGATO BLUESUMMERS and SEPHIROTH are wrestling around on the floor like a bunch of idiots. MILLY THOMPSON has her stun gun trained on the two while MERYL STRIFE watches from the sidelines trying to make some order out of the chaos. VICIOUS is watching the whole thing with a mixture of amusement and contempt while MILLIONS KNIVES rubs his temple as a headache starts to form.
LEGATO: (hitting SEHPHIROTH on the head) I said gimme!
SEPHIROTH: (pulling on LEGATO'S ear) No!
MERYL: Stop this right now!
VICIOUS: Hey, hit him on the head again, it makes his eyes bug out. Oh yeah! That's just great! (to KNIVES) Did you see that?
KNIVES: Unfortunately.
LEGATO and SEPHIROTH begin tugging on SEPHIROTH'S Universal Passport.
SEPHRIOTH: Let go!
LEGATO: Suck it!
SEPHIROTH: Not with somebody else's mouth!
LEGATO: Come on! Why won't you cooperate? She's going to go make Wolfwood miserable! And Aeris too!
SEPHIROTH: I already killed her! Why should I care if she's miserable! Besides, if I give her my passport, how do I get around? I'll be stranded here!
LEGATO: Reality check! Nobody likes you! Who cares if you're stranded? Gimme!
KNIVES has finally had enough. He stands, walks over to the two and snatches the passport from them.
KNIVES: You're behaving like imbeciles. Legato, I'm ashamed.
LEGATO is too busy staring in disbelief with everyone else to be humbled and embarrassed. Shocked silence prevails for a long time.
SEPHIROTH: How...how the hell did you do that?
KNIVES: (annoyed) Do what?
LEGATO: Master...it's just that...we're dead...you aren't supposed to be able to touch us or anything of ours...
KNIVES: (bored) I really couldn't care less. You two gave me a headache with your childish bickering.
KNIVES walks to MILLY and hands her the passport.
MILLY: (eyes sparkling) Oh thank you Mr. Knives!
KNIVES: Don't thank me, I'm only doing it to get rid of you. Go to Heaven or wherever and try really, really hard to get lost on the way there.
MILLY: That won't be hard for me! The Chief says I'd lose my head if it wasn't attached...
MERYL: That's nothing to be proud of...
VICIOUS: (staring at KNIVES and frowning) But how in the world were you able to touch the passport?
VOICE: I believe I can answer all your questions.
Everyone turns to the look at the door. The VOICE comes from a very short, balding man in a white lab coat. He strolls into the room with his hands clasped behind his back and glasses perched on his nose.
LEGATO: Who the hell are you supposed to be?
DR. CLICHE: I am what is commonly referred to as an "Original Character"...
ALL: What?
DR. CLICHE: Never mind. As I was saying, I think the term "Original Character" is comical in my situation, mainly because I am Dr. Cliche, the epitome of all contrived and cheesy plot devices and characters. Technically, I'm not very original at all...in fact, my existence RELIES on the unoriginal and overused.
KNIVES: I don't care who you are, get out of my house...
DR. CLICHE: Hmm...how rude! And I thought you wanted to know why it is you were able to touch the Universal Passport when the living shouldn't be able to...
SEPHIROTH: Well I'm curious as fuck...
DR. CLICHE: The answer is simple! Knives is not a normal human being. Because of his unnatural disposition, he is not only able to take the passport from the deceased, but alter it's composition, also allowing Milly to handle it. In short: he's a plant so the rules of the world bend a bit for him...
MILLY: (eyes wide) But that's amazing! Does that mean that the little light in the refrigerator stays on for him too?
EVERYONE but DR. CLICHE stares at MILLY, amazed that anybody could be that dumb.
DR. CLICHE: (surprised by the clever and astute girl) That and more my bright young lady! He can also take comic books out of the plastic cover WITHOUT the tape sticking to the back of the comic and ruining it.
ALL: Ohhhhhh....
MERYL: This is all very fascinating...but how did you get in here?
DR. CLICHE: Excellent question. You see, as a rule in most anime, television and movies, there is always one character with ALL the answers. As there was nobody in this room to fit the bill, a cheesy original character insert was required for exposition's sake. I'm sure if you watched your anime more carefully you could find dozens of little, balding men just like me who just so happen to know EXACTLY what's going on...
SEPHIROTH: My god...you're right! There's at least one in every show....
KNIVES: Great, now we know the answer....So can I kill you?
MERYL: NO!
EVERYONE focuses their attention on watching MERYL who is trying to keep KNIVES from beating DR. CLICHE with a spare, frozen rack of lamb* he just so happened to have. NOBODY is paying attention to MILLY who is examining the Universal Passport.
MILLY: Now how do I get this thing to work....
MERYL: Mr. Knives! Please drop the lamb! You can't just kill whoever you want!
KNIVES: Says who?
Suddenly, the door to the room is flung open and in walks....
VASH THE STAMPEDE: Hi everybody!
MERYL: Vash! You're back! Please help us stop Knives...
KNIVES looks over, sees his brother and quickly pretends to be washing windows INSTEAD of killing the doctor. He whistles innocently and hides the rack of lamb behind his back...
VASH: Stop him from cleaning? But that's so productive!
MERYL slaps her forehead and gives up. DR. CLICHE recovers and puts a fair distance between himself and KNIVES.
VASH: (taking in the occupants of the room for the first time) Boy we've got a lot of company! (notices LEGATO and does a double take)
LEGATO: (wearing a party hat and waving a flag) Surprise.
VASH: H...how?
LEGATO: (sarcastically) I missed you so much that I came to visit.
DR. CLICHE turns away from the conversation and notices MILLY who is flipping through the pages of the passport furiously.
DR. CLICHE: Oh no, no! That won't do at all!
MILLY: Why not? (starts shaking the passport around)
DR. CLICHE: You can't use that passport! There's no telling what could happen! Knives could touch the passport because he is NOT HUMAN...you're all TOO human! A human actually USING the passport could have disastrous results! Space could warp! Time could reverse....
SEPRHIOTH: Luke might become Darth Vader's father!
LEGATO: Midvalley might start playing the tuba...
VICIOUS: Vash's mole might move to the right side of his face.
VASH: I have a mole?*
MILLY: Maybe there's a button to push...
MERYL: Milly, maybe you should listen to....
MILLY: Hey, what's this?
Something goes "CLICK!" in the passport.
MILLY: Hey! It's working!
DR. CLICHE: I think...we had all better hold on to something...
A low rumble starts and slowly builds into a roar that shakes the house. EVERYONE clutches onto something to keep from falling over as the tremors turn violent. Pictures rattle off the walls and a high pitched sound echoes through the house. DR. CLICHE hides under the coffee table with MERYL. VASH falls over when a chair slides into him. SEPHIROTH rocks precariously on his feet and LEGATO barely stays standing by using VICIOUS as a ballast. KNIVES doesn't seem to notice that the world is shaking down around him. The tremors slowly die away when a blinding light erupts from the Universal Passport before MILLY disappears in a puff of smoke.
MERYL: (running around screaming, trying to find her friend) Milly! Milly!
KNIVES: (disgusted) Don't be stupid! Read that last part again...(points at the sentence) "MILLY disappears in a puff of smoke." I think it's pretty clear that running around screaming her name is ineffective, don't you agree?
MERYL scowls at KNIVES and then runs to where VASH is sprawled on the ground.
MERYL: Vash! Are you okay?
DR. CLICHE: (standing up and dusting off) That was a violent reaction, but at least nothing terrible has happened...things seem pretty much as they should be...
VASH: (looks up at MERYL) Ugh! There's a filthy human touching me! Get away, get away, icky! (starts swatting at her)
EVERYONE stares at VASH in shock until LEGATO'S voice breaks the silence.
LEGATO: (looking out the window) Boy, it's a beautiful day. Really beautiful...Anybody got a doughnut?
*****
THE GATES OF HEAVEN. MILLY THOMPSON is second in a long line standing before huge PEARLY GATES. A very old, bearded man in a toga is standing behind a podium with a very large book (because every cliche must be brought into the light! Yes! Bwa ha ha ha...cough...ahem) He dutifully checks off the name of the person in front of MILLY and gestures grandly to the gates which slide open just wide enough to admit a single person. Pristine light shines from the crack and a choir of angels can be heard for a second before the gates slide shut again, cutting off the heavenly sound.
ST. PETER: Next!
MILLY: (stepping forward and waving) Hello!
ST. PETER: (checking his book and frowning) Hmm...not on the list are we?
MILLY: Er...just visiting!
ST. PETER: Fine then. Passport please.
MILLY hands him the rather battered leather booklet...
ST. PETER looks from the picture in the book to MILLY who gives him her most innocent smile. ST. PETER, very confused, looks at the picture again and notices no resemblance between the pretty girl before him and the snarling, white-haired killer in the picture. He checks one more time as MILLY'S grin becomes painful.
ST. PETER: (cautiously) Sephiroth? MR. Sephiroth?
MILLY: (looking down nervously) Sure...(at this point, she's feeling pretty rotten because her big, big sister told her never to lie)
ST. PETER: (sighing) Miss...I think it's pretty obvious that this is a stolen passport. I can't let you in...I'm sorry.
MILLY: (sinisterly) Not as sorry as I am...
MILLY suddenly pulls her stun gun from under her coat.
ST. PETER: My God! What are you doing with that here?
MILLY aims at the PEARLY GATES and pulls the trigger. The doors fly open and MILLY, with a final apology tossed over her shoulder, storms into HEAVEN with the determination of a woman scorned. Once she reaches the lobby, she has a massive shootout that requires a duffel bag full of firearms and lots of marble pillars to duck behind and shoot at. During all of this, she wears a swell, trendy leather coat and sunglasses. Occasionally she says "whoa, I know kung-fu" and runs up walls for no reason whatsoever.*
*****
HEAVEN. On the set of the succinctly named "Afterlife Coffee Break". NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOD, REM SAVEREM and SPIKE SPIEGEL are sitting in comfortable chairs surrounding a coffee table with, once again, blank mugs and a telephone. WOLFWOOD is boasting a pair of the world's biggest dark circles and even looks like his stubble is longer than normal, if that's possible. His clothes are rumpled as if he slept in them or left them pooled on the floor next to somebody's bed...
SPIKE: Welcome back to the show. In case you're just joining us, our topic today is "The secrets of the Universe and their application in anime."
WOLFWOOD: We'd like to thank our special guest panelists for all their useful comments and answers. What did you think of that segment, Rem?
REM: Well, it's hard to believe that Tokyo is the center of the Universe, but I guess it makes sense if you watch anime.
WOLFWOOD: That's true, monsters never attack the rest of the world...only Tokyo.
SPIKE: You'd think everyone would have caught on by now and moved.
REM: Well, people do a lot of crazy things....speaking of crazy things...you're looking a bit tired today Nick.
SPIKE: Yeah, Rem's right. You look beat.
WOLFWOOD: (looking down embarrassed) I guess I haven't been getting much sleep lately.
SPIKE: I KNEW IT! That woman is a sexual predator posing as an innocent flower girl!
WOLFWOOD: Watch what you say!
SPIKE: Come on! Tell all! How is she? Does she go?*
WOLFWOOD: What do you mean?
SPIKE: Does she "GO"? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge. Know what I mean? Say no more, say no more! Nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, nudge, nudge...*
REM: I'm taking away your Python collection...
SPIKE: WHAT! DON'T LIKE SPAM?*
REM: (confused) Okay...riiight...But Nick, really, Aeris has a shady history, you should be careful...
WOLFWOOD: Shady?
SPIKE: That's true. She dated the mysterious "Zack" before she ever dated the insane "Cloud". Who's to say you're not just another notch on her belt, cowboy?
REM: Good point! From mysterious to insane and now onto disheveled and frumpy. That girl makes the rounds. She's been through four of the seven dwarfs already.
WOLFWOOD: Aeris and I are happy together! She's a special girl and I like being with her. She's coming to the set later on so try to be nice, okay?
REM: I'm always nice!
SPIKE: I'm not.
WOLFWOOD: Okay, time to take a call...(he hits the speakerphone button)
Static is heard followed by a smooth and melodious voice.
CALLER: Wolfwood?
WOLFWOOD: Dammit! Legato! I thought I told you not to call anymore!
LEGATO: (sounding very much like he knows something juicy) Oh, you did. But I've got some news...
WOLFWOOD: There's nothing you have to tell me that I consider important.
LEGATO: I think there's something you should know...
WOLFWOOD: (irritated) WHAT?
Suddenly (everything happens "suddenly" dammit) a crazed looking woman with a stun gun storms onto the set.
MILLY: Say your prayers, Mr. Priest!
LEGATO: That.
SPIKE: (looking from MILLY to WOLFWOOD) Oh yeah! This is good stuff!
REM: I put ten bucks on the girl with the stun gun!
SPIKE: I'll go in on that! What do you say Wolfwood?
WOLFWOOD: Shit...
To be continued...
They say Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...but what about Heaven? Tune in next time for the all out, knockout, drag-down, slug-fest! Rumble in Heaven! Flower-Girl vs. Insurance-Girl! Who will win? Be there or be as lame as Sephiroth!
SEPHIROTH: I'm NOT lame!
We're playing a little game this episode! Whenever you see a * it means that the writers stole the material. That's right, it's NOT theirs, it's somebody else's. They watch too much TV and have no original ideas of their own. But we figured we'd cook up a prize for anybody that can name all of the references! Give it a shot, it shouldn't be too hard!
A NOTE ON ORIGINAL CHARACTERS
We all know them, the dreaded "Original Characters." This episode contains one. At least he's not a Mary Sue, but you may wish he were once everything is over. Consider yourself warned.
*****
A WHITE SET THAT DOESN'T REALLY EXIST ANYWHERE. LEGATO W. BLUESUMMERS is standing before a camera in a sparkling white tuxedo.
LEGATO: Since it has been awhile since the last airing, let me remind you puny humans what occurred on the last episode of the Afterlife Drinking, Fornicating, Lying, Stealing, Murdering, Vanity, Gluttony, and, of course, Smoking Break. After learning of Nicholas D. Wolfwood's new relationship in Heaven with Aeris Gainsborough, Milly Thompson is a little upset. Armed with a stun gun and a miniscule mind, Milly is determined to make Wolfwood suffer for his transgression. Of course, I support her one hundred percent and think she deserves to receive the Universal Passport, a clever device that allows one to dimension hop with no trouble. As soon as Sephiroth relents and gives up his passport, things will be going very well. Alas, he's being as lame and difficult as usual. Let's see what happens...
*****
PLANET GUNSMOKE. A SMALL VILLAGE ABOUT 200 ISLES OUTSIDE OF LR TOWN. A LIVING ROOM SETTING. LEGATO BLUESUMMERS and SEPHIROTH are wrestling around on the floor like a bunch of idiots. MILLY THOMPSON has her stun gun trained on the two while MERYL STRIFE watches from the sidelines trying to make some order out of the chaos. VICIOUS is watching the whole thing with a mixture of amusement and contempt while MILLIONS KNIVES rubs his temple as a headache starts to form.
LEGATO: (hitting SEHPHIROTH on the head) I said gimme!
SEPHIROTH: (pulling on LEGATO'S ear) No!
MERYL: Stop this right now!
VICIOUS: Hey, hit him on the head again, it makes his eyes bug out. Oh yeah! That's just great! (to KNIVES) Did you see that?
KNIVES: Unfortunately.
LEGATO and SEPHIROTH begin tugging on SEPHIROTH'S Universal Passport.
SEPHRIOTH: Let go!
LEGATO: Suck it!
SEPHIROTH: Not with somebody else's mouth!
LEGATO: Come on! Why won't you cooperate? She's going to go make Wolfwood miserable! And Aeris too!
SEPHIROTH: I already killed her! Why should I care if she's miserable! Besides, if I give her my passport, how do I get around? I'll be stranded here!
LEGATO: Reality check! Nobody likes you! Who cares if you're stranded? Gimme!
KNIVES has finally had enough. He stands, walks over to the two and snatches the passport from them.
KNIVES: You're behaving like imbeciles. Legato, I'm ashamed.
LEGATO is too busy staring in disbelief with everyone else to be humbled and embarrassed. Shocked silence prevails for a long time.
SEPHIROTH: How...how the hell did you do that?
KNIVES: (annoyed) Do what?
LEGATO: Master...it's just that...we're dead...you aren't supposed to be able to touch us or anything of ours...
KNIVES: (bored) I really couldn't care less. You two gave me a headache with your childish bickering.
KNIVES walks to MILLY and hands her the passport.
MILLY: (eyes sparkling) Oh thank you Mr. Knives!
KNIVES: Don't thank me, I'm only doing it to get rid of you. Go to Heaven or wherever and try really, really hard to get lost on the way there.
MILLY: That won't be hard for me! The Chief says I'd lose my head if it wasn't attached...
MERYL: That's nothing to be proud of...
VICIOUS: (staring at KNIVES and frowning) But how in the world were you able to touch the passport?
VOICE: I believe I can answer all your questions.
Everyone turns to the look at the door. The VOICE comes from a very short, balding man in a white lab coat. He strolls into the room with his hands clasped behind his back and glasses perched on his nose.
LEGATO: Who the hell are you supposed to be?
DR. CLICHE: I am what is commonly referred to as an "Original Character"...
ALL: What?
DR. CLICHE: Never mind. As I was saying, I think the term "Original Character" is comical in my situation, mainly because I am Dr. Cliche, the epitome of all contrived and cheesy plot devices and characters. Technically, I'm not very original at all...in fact, my existence RELIES on the unoriginal and overused.
KNIVES: I don't care who you are, get out of my house...
DR. CLICHE: Hmm...how rude! And I thought you wanted to know why it is you were able to touch the Universal Passport when the living shouldn't be able to...
SEPHIROTH: Well I'm curious as fuck...
DR. CLICHE: The answer is simple! Knives is not a normal human being. Because of his unnatural disposition, he is not only able to take the passport from the deceased, but alter it's composition, also allowing Milly to handle it. In short: he's a plant so the rules of the world bend a bit for him...
MILLY: (eyes wide) But that's amazing! Does that mean that the little light in the refrigerator stays on for him too?
EVERYONE but DR. CLICHE stares at MILLY, amazed that anybody could be that dumb.
DR. CLICHE: (surprised by the clever and astute girl) That and more my bright young lady! He can also take comic books out of the plastic cover WITHOUT the tape sticking to the back of the comic and ruining it.
ALL: Ohhhhhh....
MERYL: This is all very fascinating...but how did you get in here?
DR. CLICHE: Excellent question. You see, as a rule in most anime, television and movies, there is always one character with ALL the answers. As there was nobody in this room to fit the bill, a cheesy original character insert was required for exposition's sake. I'm sure if you watched your anime more carefully you could find dozens of little, balding men just like me who just so happen to know EXACTLY what's going on...
SEPHIROTH: My god...you're right! There's at least one in every show....
KNIVES: Great, now we know the answer....So can I kill you?
MERYL: NO!
EVERYONE focuses their attention on watching MERYL who is trying to keep KNIVES from beating DR. CLICHE with a spare, frozen rack of lamb* he just so happened to have. NOBODY is paying attention to MILLY who is examining the Universal Passport.
MILLY: Now how do I get this thing to work....
MERYL: Mr. Knives! Please drop the lamb! You can't just kill whoever you want!
KNIVES: Says who?
Suddenly, the door to the room is flung open and in walks....
VASH THE STAMPEDE: Hi everybody!
MERYL: Vash! You're back! Please help us stop Knives...
KNIVES looks over, sees his brother and quickly pretends to be washing windows INSTEAD of killing the doctor. He whistles innocently and hides the rack of lamb behind his back...
VASH: Stop him from cleaning? But that's so productive!
MERYL slaps her forehead and gives up. DR. CLICHE recovers and puts a fair distance between himself and KNIVES.
VASH: (taking in the occupants of the room for the first time) Boy we've got a lot of company! (notices LEGATO and does a double take)
LEGATO: (wearing a party hat and waving a flag) Surprise.
VASH: H...how?
LEGATO: (sarcastically) I missed you so much that I came to visit.
DR. CLICHE turns away from the conversation and notices MILLY who is flipping through the pages of the passport furiously.
DR. CLICHE: Oh no, no! That won't do at all!
MILLY: Why not? (starts shaking the passport around)
DR. CLICHE: You can't use that passport! There's no telling what could happen! Knives could touch the passport because he is NOT HUMAN...you're all TOO human! A human actually USING the passport could have disastrous results! Space could warp! Time could reverse....
SEPRHIOTH: Luke might become Darth Vader's father!
LEGATO: Midvalley might start playing the tuba...
VICIOUS: Vash's mole might move to the right side of his face.
VASH: I have a mole?*
MILLY: Maybe there's a button to push...
MERYL: Milly, maybe you should listen to....
MILLY: Hey, what's this?
Something goes "CLICK!" in the passport.
MILLY: Hey! It's working!
DR. CLICHE: I think...we had all better hold on to something...
A low rumble starts and slowly builds into a roar that shakes the house. EVERYONE clutches onto something to keep from falling over as the tremors turn violent. Pictures rattle off the walls and a high pitched sound echoes through the house. DR. CLICHE hides under the coffee table with MERYL. VASH falls over when a chair slides into him. SEPHIROTH rocks precariously on his feet and LEGATO barely stays standing by using VICIOUS as a ballast. KNIVES doesn't seem to notice that the world is shaking down around him. The tremors slowly die away when a blinding light erupts from the Universal Passport before MILLY disappears in a puff of smoke.
MERYL: (running around screaming, trying to find her friend) Milly! Milly!
KNIVES: (disgusted) Don't be stupid! Read that last part again...(points at the sentence) "MILLY disappears in a puff of smoke." I think it's pretty clear that running around screaming her name is ineffective, don't you agree?
MERYL scowls at KNIVES and then runs to where VASH is sprawled on the ground.
MERYL: Vash! Are you okay?
DR. CLICHE: (standing up and dusting off) That was a violent reaction, but at least nothing terrible has happened...things seem pretty much as they should be...
VASH: (looks up at MERYL) Ugh! There's a filthy human touching me! Get away, get away, icky! (starts swatting at her)
EVERYONE stares at VASH in shock until LEGATO'S voice breaks the silence.
LEGATO: (looking out the window) Boy, it's a beautiful day. Really beautiful...Anybody got a doughnut?
*****
THE GATES OF HEAVEN. MILLY THOMPSON is second in a long line standing before huge PEARLY GATES. A very old, bearded man in a toga is standing behind a podium with a very large book (because every cliche must be brought into the light! Yes! Bwa ha ha ha...cough...ahem) He dutifully checks off the name of the person in front of MILLY and gestures grandly to the gates which slide open just wide enough to admit a single person. Pristine light shines from the crack and a choir of angels can be heard for a second before the gates slide shut again, cutting off the heavenly sound.
ST. PETER: Next!
MILLY: (stepping forward and waving) Hello!
ST. PETER: (checking his book and frowning) Hmm...not on the list are we?
MILLY: Er...just visiting!
ST. PETER: Fine then. Passport please.
MILLY hands him the rather battered leather booklet...
ST. PETER looks from the picture in the book to MILLY who gives him her most innocent smile. ST. PETER, very confused, looks at the picture again and notices no resemblance between the pretty girl before him and the snarling, white-haired killer in the picture. He checks one more time as MILLY'S grin becomes painful.
ST. PETER: (cautiously) Sephiroth? MR. Sephiroth?
MILLY: (looking down nervously) Sure...(at this point, she's feeling pretty rotten because her big, big sister told her never to lie)
ST. PETER: (sighing) Miss...I think it's pretty obvious that this is a stolen passport. I can't let you in...I'm sorry.
MILLY: (sinisterly) Not as sorry as I am...
MILLY suddenly pulls her stun gun from under her coat.
ST. PETER: My God! What are you doing with that here?
MILLY aims at the PEARLY GATES and pulls the trigger. The doors fly open and MILLY, with a final apology tossed over her shoulder, storms into HEAVEN with the determination of a woman scorned. Once she reaches the lobby, she has a massive shootout that requires a duffel bag full of firearms and lots of marble pillars to duck behind and shoot at. During all of this, she wears a swell, trendy leather coat and sunglasses. Occasionally she says "whoa, I know kung-fu" and runs up walls for no reason whatsoever.*
*****
HEAVEN. On the set of the succinctly named "Afterlife Coffee Break". NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOD, REM SAVEREM and SPIKE SPIEGEL are sitting in comfortable chairs surrounding a coffee table with, once again, blank mugs and a telephone. WOLFWOOD is boasting a pair of the world's biggest dark circles and even looks like his stubble is longer than normal, if that's possible. His clothes are rumpled as if he slept in them or left them pooled on the floor next to somebody's bed...
SPIKE: Welcome back to the show. In case you're just joining us, our topic today is "The secrets of the Universe and their application in anime."
WOLFWOOD: We'd like to thank our special guest panelists for all their useful comments and answers. What did you think of that segment, Rem?
REM: Well, it's hard to believe that Tokyo is the center of the Universe, but I guess it makes sense if you watch anime.
WOLFWOOD: That's true, monsters never attack the rest of the world...only Tokyo.
SPIKE: You'd think everyone would have caught on by now and moved.
REM: Well, people do a lot of crazy things....speaking of crazy things...you're looking a bit tired today Nick.
SPIKE: Yeah, Rem's right. You look beat.
WOLFWOOD: (looking down embarrassed) I guess I haven't been getting much sleep lately.
SPIKE: I KNEW IT! That woman is a sexual predator posing as an innocent flower girl!
WOLFWOOD: Watch what you say!
SPIKE: Come on! Tell all! How is she? Does she go?*
WOLFWOOD: What do you mean?
SPIKE: Does she "GO"? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge. Know what I mean? Say no more, say no more! Nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, nudge, nudge...*
REM: I'm taking away your Python collection...
SPIKE: WHAT! DON'T LIKE SPAM?*
REM: (confused) Okay...riiight...But Nick, really, Aeris has a shady history, you should be careful...
WOLFWOOD: Shady?
SPIKE: That's true. She dated the mysterious "Zack" before she ever dated the insane "Cloud". Who's to say you're not just another notch on her belt, cowboy?
REM: Good point! From mysterious to insane and now onto disheveled and frumpy. That girl makes the rounds. She's been through four of the seven dwarfs already.
WOLFWOOD: Aeris and I are happy together! She's a special girl and I like being with her. She's coming to the set later on so try to be nice, okay?
REM: I'm always nice!
SPIKE: I'm not.
WOLFWOOD: Okay, time to take a call...(he hits the speakerphone button)
Static is heard followed by a smooth and melodious voice.
CALLER: Wolfwood?
WOLFWOOD: Dammit! Legato! I thought I told you not to call anymore!
LEGATO: (sounding very much like he knows something juicy) Oh, you did. But I've got some news...
WOLFWOOD: There's nothing you have to tell me that I consider important.
LEGATO: I think there's something you should know...
WOLFWOOD: (irritated) WHAT?
Suddenly (everything happens "suddenly" dammit) a crazed looking woman with a stun gun storms onto the set.
MILLY: Say your prayers, Mr. Priest!
LEGATO: That.
SPIKE: (looking from MILLY to WOLFWOOD) Oh yeah! This is good stuff!
REM: I put ten bucks on the girl with the stun gun!
SPIKE: I'll go in on that! What do you say Wolfwood?
WOLFWOOD: Shit...
To be continued...
They say Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...but what about Heaven? Tune in next time for the all out, knockout, drag-down, slug-fest! Rumble in Heaven! Flower-Girl vs. Insurance-Girl! Who will win? Be there or be as lame as Sephiroth!
SEPHIROTH: I'm NOT lame!
