A WORD FROM THE PRODUCERS:
Last episodes are kinda sad. It reminds us that we've missed a lot of important disclaimers. Like how we don't own the rights to the characters featured on the show and other, obvious lies. Furthermore, it reminds us how much we appreciate the dedicated viewers who have stuck with the show for two whole seasons. We want to offer out thanks. Also, we want to ask, "what the hell is wrong with you?" But that would be rude.
SEASON II
EPISODE V: GO, GO AERIS, THE EVER-LIVING!
*****
DR. CLICHE is dressed in a suit and tie and sitting at a news desk that really doesn't exist anywhere.
DR. CLICHE: Thank you for joining us. If you recall, in the last episode, Milly used the Universal Passport that she stole from Sephiroth to transport herself to Heaven in order to confront Wolfwood about his new girlfriend, Aeris. Whew! But since her trip, Vash and Legato have been acting strangely. Lots of zanniness occurred and I was beaten with a frozen leg of lamb. Let's see what happens next. Those crazy, dead, anime kids!
*****
ON THE SET OF THE AFTERLIFE COFFEE BREAK. MILLY THOMPSON has her stun gun trained on NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOD while REM SAVEREM and SPIKE SPIEGEL place their bets.
MILLY: Okay Mr. Priest, start talking!
WOLFWOOD: Honey! What are you...? How did you...?
MILLY: Don't 'Honey' me! I want to know what you think you're doing with that...that...
SPIKE: Slut?
REM: Tramp?
SPIKE: Trollop?
REM: Hussy?
SPIKE: Whore?
MILLY: Girl! I was going to say 'Girl'!
SPIKE: Sure you were.
REM: Of course we believe you.
WOLFWOOD: Honey, listen: I'm dead and you're alive. There's no way for us to be together anymore. Don't you want me to be happy in my afterlife?
MILLY: What about the children? Nicholas Jr. is already smoking and wearing sunglasses! He refuses to shave his stubble and I can't understand a word he says! He wants to be just like you!
WOLFWOOD: (to MILLY) You're doing a fantastic job with the children I'm sure. As long as you keep Knives away from them they'll turn out fine.
MILLY: So that's it. You're going to leave me alone down there to take care of the children by myself.
WOLFWOOD: What other choice do I have? I'm DEAD!
MILLY: (sniffles for a second and then looks at WOLFWOOD with a menacing glare) Not as dead as you're gonna be...
MILLY commences to chase WOLFWOOD around the studio much to the amusement of REM and SPIKE.
REM: (suddenly wearing a dark blazer with ACB embroidered above the breast pocket. She is sporting headsets and is holding a microphone) Ohhh! I haven't seen a choke hold like that since the one I used on Alex when he was alive! That big girl is giving Nick the beating of his afterlife!
SPIKE: (dressed in the same manner as REM) Ouch! I think that move was banned by the World Wrestling Federation.
REM: I can see why! Is it possible for legs to tie in knots like that, Spike?
SPIKE: (chuckling) I guess so Rem, I guess so.
MILLY: (screaming at WOLFWOOD) Get back here!
WOLFWOOD: Mommy!
*****
PLANET GUNSMOKE. On the roster: KNIVES, VICIOUS, LEGATO, MERYL, SEPHIROTH, VASH THE STAMPEDE and DR. CLICHÉ. VASH is pulling the wings off butterflies and cackling with joy. LEGATO is desperately trying to get him to stop without violence.
MERYL: Vash...what's the matter with you? I don't understand!
VASH: (crossing his arms and looking huffy) That's because you're human and humans are dumb. And stinky. And look stupid in Hawaiian shirts. And I hate it when they wear socks and sandals together. They look stupid.
LEGATO: That wasn't very nice. Some of us look good in socks and sandals.
VASH: Shut-up freakshow.
KNIVES is looking on with a confused expression. His gaze shifts from his brother to his servant and back and the confused expression only intensifies.
KNIVES: (to VASH) Is this some kind of joke, brother dear?
VASH: Is WHAT some kind of joke?
KNIVES: (waving his arms around for emphasis) THIS!
VASH: You're not making sense. Do you mean if waving your arms around is a joke? Well, you always did look stupid doing the funky chicken if that's what you mean...
KNIVES: Leave the funky chicken out of this!
DR. CLICHE: Hmm. It appears that your young friend did more damage when she used the passport than I originally thought. Legato and Vash seem to have switched motivations and idiosyncrasies. In other words: Vash will soon be licking his hand obscenely, eating cheesecake like it's going out of style and trying to eradicate humanity. Legato will begin singing the same song over and over, pining over a dead woman and crying like a baby for at least 6 to 7 hours a day while eating donuts.
SEPHIROTH: Who cares about them? What about me! That girl took my passport and now I'm stuck on this ridiculous planet with the Psycho family!
Music begins to play...It sounds strangely like the...Brady Bunch theme? The cast's faces split up into little boxes and they begin looking in the various directions at each other. LEGATO spends most of his time looking at KNIVES. We're not surprised.
LEGATO: Oh here's a story...
KNIVES: Of a man named Vashie!
VASH: Who was living on a planet with his bro.
VICIOUS: Both of them had great big guns,
VASH: For blowing up things!
KNIVES: But they were surrounded by human scum.
SEPHIROTH: That DOESN'T RHYME! It doesn't even FIT in the song!
KNIVES: Shut up fool!
VASH: (ignoring them) Here's the story, of a man named Vicious
KNIVES: Who was living with a really ugly bird
LEGATO: He had rotten people skills.
VICIOUS: (beaming with pride) Like no other!
KNIVES: But he was painfully flawed by his all too evident humanity.
SEPHIROTH: Do you even KNOW how to RHYME?
KNIVES: Bite me.
VASH: 'Til the one day when this trio met Legato...
KNIVES: And they knew that it was much more than a hunch...
VICIOUS: That this group could somehow slaughter people...
LEGATO: Wait! But...I don't want to slaughter people! I want to love them and hug them and buy them presents at Christmas time and...
VASH: Shut up fool!
KNIVES: And that's the way we became the Psycho Bunch!
VASH, VICIOUS and KNIVES: The Psy-cho Bunch! The Psycho Bunch! That's the way we became the Psycho Bunch!
MERYL: (disturbed) Excuse me...but...doesn't anybody care what happened to Milly?
LEGATO: Yes.
DR. CLICHE: Of course.
VICIOUS, SEPHIROTH, VASH and KNIVES: No.
MERYL storms into the LIVING ROOM and turns on the television where she stumbles upon something that sounds like: "Honey! Please! Stop! Owww!!! My arm!" and: "Boy Rem, he's really taking a beating out there." and: "Yeah, you're right Spike. You have to wonder, how much more can he take?" and finally: "No more! No more! Please!"
The rest of the group migrates to the LIVING ROOM where graphic footage of WOLFWOOD being shot repeatedly by a stun gun is playing on Channel 7.
VASH pulls up a seat with popcorn while LEGATO begins to cry. VICIOUS just looks bored.
KNIVES: (frowning at his brother) Now I'm pissed off. Dammit! (whirling to face LEGATO) Legato, you hate humans. (whirling the other way to face VASH) Vash, you love them. Got it?
SEPHIROTH: Wait a minute! You said yourself that you've spent over 100 years trying to get Vash to hate people. You finally get what you want and you're upset?
DR. CLICHE: (staring dramatically into space) Could it be that he longs for the conflict, the challenge of making his brother see things his way? Could it be that he has spent so long in this game of cat and mouse with his brother that he knows no other way to live? Without that constant, perhaps he feels that his life has no purpose.
KNIVES is silent for a minute, as if he is truly considering the statement. Then he pulls out a new, frozen leg of lamb and brandishes it threateningly at DR. CLICHE.
KNIVES: Don't psychoanalyze me, human, lest I show you why they call me "Lamb Chop".
ALL: Huh?
KNIVES: Never mind.
DR. CLICHE moves a fair distance away from KNIVES. So does everyone else.
MERYL: I can't believe this! Milly is up there in Heaven causing trouble and...
A loud bang comes from the TV followed by voices screaming. "Yikes! Well Spike, they've started on the set!" and: "I'll tell you Rem, not even I did this much damage when I tossed a grenade at the place!"
MERYL: Oh no ...Property damage.
VASH: Ain't it cool?
Suddenly, KNIVES has had enough. He grabs his brother by the collar and starts slapping him repeatedly.
KNIVES: LOVE AND PEACE! THINK LOVE AND PEACE! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO FUCKING LOVE AND FUCKING PEACE? EAT (slap) DONUTS (slap) AND (slap) ACT (slap) LIKE (slap) AN (slap) IDIOT (slap)! LOVE (slap) AND (slap) PEACE!
VASH: Ow...Knives...stop...hitting...me...that...sucks...owwwwwww!!!
LEGATO: But Vash...He's right...you SHOULD strive for love and peace.
KNIVES lets go of his brother and turns to LEGATO.
KNIVES: And you!
KNIVES grabs LEGATO and starts slapping him much in the same manner that he slapped VASH.
KNIVES: KILL ALL THE HUMANS! HUMANITY SUCKS! BRING SUFFERING AND DEATH TO EVERYONE! WHY (slap) IS THAT (slap) SO (slap) FUCKING HARD? KILL! (slap) KILL! (slap) KILL! (slap)
LEGATO: Master...please...stop...that...really...doesn't...feel...very...good...
VASH: Hey...That's kinda cool. When you hit him like that, it makes his eyes bug out.
KNIVES: ARRGHHHHHHHHH!!!
SEPHIROTH: (crawling on the floor) Hey! I found a quarter!
KNIVES turns on SEPHIROTH and starts slapping him too.
KNIVES: I (slap) DON'T (slap) HAVE (slap) ANY (slap) REASON (slap) TO (slap) SLAP (slap) YOU (slap) BUT (slap) IT (slap) FEELS (slap) REALLY (slap) GOOD (smack)!
VICIOUS: (to KNIVES) If I pay you, will you do that again?
SEPHIROTH: (in a slurred, dizzy voice to KNIVES) Okay weed-boy. Wait until we're alone. I'm gonna give you a big, hunkin' box of ouchies.
KNIVES: What the fuck is an ouchie? My god! You ARE lame!
DR. CLICHE: Things are getting far too complicated! This does not bode well.
MERYL: Doctor, what is the worst thing that could happen?
DR. CLICHE: If Legato and Vash remain switched as they are, there is no telling the consequences. For all we know, Milly's transport to Heaven may have caused even more damage. We've got to set things right as soon as possible.
KNIVES: You can say that again. I can't tolerate this much longer.
VASH: Hey bro! Let's go blow up a city or two? Come on! Come on! Huh, huh? Doesn't it sound fun? Huh? Huh?
LEGATO: That's not fair. I was hoping the Master and I could chase butterflies and frolic about in a field of flowers.
KNIVES: (to DR. CLICHÉ) Doctor, if you're going to fix this, I suggest you hurry before I introduce you to your spleen.
*****
HEAVEN
MILLY: Stop running!
WOLFWOOD: Spike! HELPPPPPP!
SPIKE: No way! This is too much fun!
MILLY trips WOLFWOOD. He falls down, screaming like a little girl. MILLY stands over him, stun gun trained at his head.
MILLY: Say your prayers, Rabbit.
VOICE: Stop this right now!
ALL turn to see...
AERIS: Okay lady, you betta' stop beatin' on my man like that. For real tho'!
MILLY: Aww no you didn't! You betta' recognize!
REM: Awww shi'! It's 'bout to get bowdy up in here!
SPIKE: Ah na, hell na! They gone up and did it!
MILLY: (to AERIS) Who's gonna stop me? You? (laughs) You weigh.what? 100 pounds, soaking wet and holding a llama? It hardly seems fair, but if it's a fight you're after, you've got it! (aims her stun gun at AERIS while smiling a big, goofy grin) My big, big sister said it was always okay to break my foot off in someone's ass.
AERIS: Ha! Not woman enough to take me without a gun?
MILLY: (tosses the stun gun to the side) I can snap you like a twig WITHOUT the stun gun, skinny-minnie. Bring it.
ROB ZOMBIES' Dragula begins to play.
AERIS and MILLY launch themselves at each other, Matrix style, crash in mid air and fall to the ground, fists flailing.
WOLFWOOD: Girls! Stop this!
SPIKE: Are you stupid? Two hot girls beating on each other? That's a major turn on! Now all we need is Jell-O and this really would be Heaven! I do so love strong women! Cat fight! Woo Hooo!
REM smacks SPIKE.
SPIKE: (genuinely confused) Oww! What?
*****
PLANET GUNSMOKE. The cast is standing about and the film crew has already left out of boredom. DR. CLICHÉ is staring at a huge diagram he has drawn, occasionally making notes or working a bit of math.
LEGATO: (watching the carnage on TV) I've got to stop this! The violence...it's so wrong! It would make Rem cry! (that's what HE thinks! Bwa-ha-ha!)
LEGATO pulls out his Universal Passport and then disappears in a puff of smoke.
VASH: Thank god that girly-man is gone. Hey bro! Lets strap fireworks to that cat over there!
KURONEKOSAMA: Nya?
KNIVES: (eyebrow twitching) I can't stand this anymore! Doctor?
DR. CLICHÉ: I'm still working on the solution.genius takes time.
VICIOUS: (looking around at the sorry gathering of deceased and living) There's nothing happening here.I'm going to Heaven to watch the girl fight.
VICIOUS also uses his Passport and disappears in a puff of smoke.
DR. CLICHÉ: (looking excited) Did he say 'girl fight'?
KNIVES: Don't even think about it. You stay here and fix this.
DR. CLICHÉ: Um.gee.let me think about that.hmm.how about 'no'? (shouting) GO, GO cliché-copter!
DR. CLICHÉ pushes a button on his watch and a helicopter blade extends from his head. He crashes through the ceiling and flies away, waving happily the entire time, obviously thinking perverted thoughts.
KNIVES: That little fuck!
VASH: Want me to shoot him out of the sky?
KNIVES: Do I have to slap you again?
VASH pouts.
MERYL: I can't stand being around Vash when he's like this! I'm going to go type a report and try to act in-character! That's right, I'm furious and practical! I like order and organization! I'm very, very angry!
MERYL storms out of the room.in a practical, organized manner.
VASH: Bye-bye bitchy lady!
KNIVES: I really want to kick someone's ass right about now.
SEPHIROTH: How do you think I feel? My co-hosts abandoned me.AGAIN!
VASH shrugs and then runs off after KURONEKOSAMA with a sparking stick of dynamite effectively leaving SEPHIROTH and KNIVES alone.
SEPHIROTH and KNIVES stare at each other for a very long time. Crickets chirp and cherry blossoms blow past for no reason whatsoever.
SEPHIROTH: Sooo.
KNIVES: Riiight.
SEPHIROTH: Er.
KNIVES: (scratching his head) Yeah.
SEPHIROTH: (drumming his fingers) Um.
KNIVES: Sooo.Are we gonna beat each other up or not?
SEPHIROTH: Whew! I thought you'd never ask!
They attack each other and generally seem happy, all things considered.
*****
HEAVEN.
MILLY: (layin' the smack down) My god! You were in an RPG? You must have been a back-row healer because you hit like shit!
AERIS: Oh yeah? That's because you are unaware of what I'm truly capable of! (her voice gets deep and scary) Ancient spirits of evil transform this decaying form into MUMM-RA, THE EVER-LIVING!
SPIKE: Uh.what?
REM: (watching as AERIS transforms into MUMM-RA) Uh.Sorry.but it looks like Aeris is really the villain from "Thundercats."
SPIKE: Shit! Why do all the hot babes turn out to be undead creatures?
REM: Bad luck, I guess.
WOLFWOOD: (horrified) Holy SHIT.I was sleeping with that?
REM: Them's the breaks.
AERIS-RA: (slapping MILLY repeatedly) Who hits like shit now? Huh!
MILLY: You do! WATCH THIS! Ancient spirits of pudding transform this fleshy body into THE STAY PUFFED MARSHMALLOW MAN!
SPIKE: Uh.what?
REM: (watching as MILLY transforms into a 100 ft. tall marshmallow sailor) Uh.Sorry, but it looks like Milly is really the Villain from "Ghostbusters."
SPIKE: Shit! Why do all the hot babes turn out to be made of.uh.never mind, I got nothing.
REM: Wise decision.
WOLFWOOD: (even more horrified) Holy SHIT.that's the mother of my children?
REM: Them's the.never mind, I got nothing.
Suddenly, LEGATO, VICIOUS and DR. CLICHÉ arrive on the set just as MILLY er..."STAY PUFFED" steps on er..."MUMM-RA"...
VICIOUS: (looking around, disappointed) WHAT HAPPENED TO THE HOT GIRLS? THAT'S A MARSHMALLOW AND A MUMMY! I WANTED TO SEE BABES!
DR. CLICHÉ: On the bright side, the marshmallow is rather curvy and the mummy has nice legs.
LEGATO: (hollering and pointing at the priest) Wolfwood!
WOLFWOOD: (turns to see LEGATO) Ugh.what do you want? Can't you see I'm having a crisis?
LEGATO looks at the two gruesome creatures beating each other up over his love then turns back to WOLFWOOD.
LEGATO: Yes.I see that now. I'm really sorry.
The fight stops. AERIS and MILLY return to their regular shapes and gawk at LEGATO. WOLFWOOD, SPIKE, REM, VICIOUS, and DR. CLICHÉ stare with their mouths open.
ALL: WHAT?
SPIKE: Did you just.apologize?
LEGATO: Er.Yes. I'm.I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. And it's good to see you, Wolfwood.
And, for the first time in his psychopathic life, LEGATO W. BLUESUMMERS smiles a sincere, genuine, not-frightening smile. His teeth sparkle as does his one, visible eye. The dolphins and vultures come back to life, the polar ice caps reform, hell unthaws and pigs cease to fly. All the living creatures of the earth rejoice and butterflies flit around LEGATO'S head. In fact, all the creatures of the world seem pleased except.
WOLFWOOD: (more horrified than he's ever been in his life) THAT SMILE IS THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I'VE EVER SEEN! YOU'RE INSANE! YOU NOT SUPPOSED TO SMILE NORMALLY! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
LEGATO actually looks hurt. And that's when the tremors start. They're very small at first, but grow in intensity until all of HEAVEN is shaking violently.
REM: What is going on here?
ALL turn to look at DR. CLICHÉ.
DR. CLICHÉ: How the fuck should I know?
All over HEAVEN and on the SET, static is heard followed by a VOICE booming over an intercom system. It sorta sounds like the Captain's voice on an airplane (like in the movies!)
VOICE: Uh.this is the Archangel Earl speaking.
VICIOUS: Earl? The Archangel EARL? The world is a BAD place.
EARL: We've run into a bit of trouble here in Heaven. It seems like something truly vile and corrupt must have happened. Whatever it was, it defied nature and Heaven itself couldn't withstand the sheer evil of this thing. It must have been revolting.
WOLFWOOD: (scowling at LEGATO) You can say that again!
LEGATO looks even more hurt.
EARL: We're still looking into it, but.um.evacuating might be a good idea. So.I think I can safely say "smoke 'em if you've got 'em folks, this place is going down." Oh the humanity! ARrghhhhhhhhhHHHH!
The intercom goes dead.
WOLFWOOD: Damn!
REM: Damn, damn.
SPIKE: Are you kidding? This is great! He said I could smoke! (SPIKE tries to light up but REM snatches the cigarette away)
REM: We have to go!
DR. CLICHÉ: I agree, we should make good our retreat! GO, GO cliché- copter!
The cast speeds towards the exit and SPIKE is really wanting one of those trap doors right about now. DR. CLICHE triggers his personal helicopter gadget and is flying off when.
HEAVEN EXPLODES. In fact...it explodes real good.
*****
GUNSMOKE. Awhile later. Battered, bruised, covered in soot and generally looking sorry, the cast of the "Afterlife Coffee Break" and "The Afterlife.whatever" (minus SEPHIROTH), are sitting in a straight line, side by side, in the middle of the desert. With them are AERIS and MILLY. They are all silent, simply staring at the suns setting before them.
SPIKE places a crooked cigarette to his mouth and gets to smoke for the first time since he died.
SPIKE: (savoring the first drag) I forgot how good these were. This should have happened a long, long, long time ago.
SPIKE offers the carton of cigarettes around. REM and WOLFWOOD take one each and then pass them on to MILLY and AERIS who share one. SPIKE even passes one to VICIOUS who takes it gratefully. DR. CLICHÉ declines and takes out a flask of strong whiskey instead.
REM: Well.Heaven blew up.
ALL: Yeah.
WOLFWOOD: (taking a long drag) Uh.Legato?
LEGATO: Yeah?
WOLFWOOD: Somehow, all of this is your fault. You know that, right?
LEGATO: What? Havoc? Mayhem? Explosions? You damn skippy.
The End (?)....
Last episodes are kinda sad. It reminds us that we've missed a lot of important disclaimers. Like how we don't own the rights to the characters featured on the show and other, obvious lies. Furthermore, it reminds us how much we appreciate the dedicated viewers who have stuck with the show for two whole seasons. We want to offer out thanks. Also, we want to ask, "what the hell is wrong with you?" But that would be rude.
SEASON II
EPISODE V: GO, GO AERIS, THE EVER-LIVING!
*****
DR. CLICHE is dressed in a suit and tie and sitting at a news desk that really doesn't exist anywhere.
DR. CLICHE: Thank you for joining us. If you recall, in the last episode, Milly used the Universal Passport that she stole from Sephiroth to transport herself to Heaven in order to confront Wolfwood about his new girlfriend, Aeris. Whew! But since her trip, Vash and Legato have been acting strangely. Lots of zanniness occurred and I was beaten with a frozen leg of lamb. Let's see what happens next. Those crazy, dead, anime kids!
*****
ON THE SET OF THE AFTERLIFE COFFEE BREAK. MILLY THOMPSON has her stun gun trained on NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOD while REM SAVEREM and SPIKE SPIEGEL place their bets.
MILLY: Okay Mr. Priest, start talking!
WOLFWOOD: Honey! What are you...? How did you...?
MILLY: Don't 'Honey' me! I want to know what you think you're doing with that...that...
SPIKE: Slut?
REM: Tramp?
SPIKE: Trollop?
REM: Hussy?
SPIKE: Whore?
MILLY: Girl! I was going to say 'Girl'!
SPIKE: Sure you were.
REM: Of course we believe you.
WOLFWOOD: Honey, listen: I'm dead and you're alive. There's no way for us to be together anymore. Don't you want me to be happy in my afterlife?
MILLY: What about the children? Nicholas Jr. is already smoking and wearing sunglasses! He refuses to shave his stubble and I can't understand a word he says! He wants to be just like you!
WOLFWOOD: (to MILLY) You're doing a fantastic job with the children I'm sure. As long as you keep Knives away from them they'll turn out fine.
MILLY: So that's it. You're going to leave me alone down there to take care of the children by myself.
WOLFWOOD: What other choice do I have? I'm DEAD!
MILLY: (sniffles for a second and then looks at WOLFWOOD with a menacing glare) Not as dead as you're gonna be...
MILLY commences to chase WOLFWOOD around the studio much to the amusement of REM and SPIKE.
REM: (suddenly wearing a dark blazer with ACB embroidered above the breast pocket. She is sporting headsets and is holding a microphone) Ohhh! I haven't seen a choke hold like that since the one I used on Alex when he was alive! That big girl is giving Nick the beating of his afterlife!
SPIKE: (dressed in the same manner as REM) Ouch! I think that move was banned by the World Wrestling Federation.
REM: I can see why! Is it possible for legs to tie in knots like that, Spike?
SPIKE: (chuckling) I guess so Rem, I guess so.
MILLY: (screaming at WOLFWOOD) Get back here!
WOLFWOOD: Mommy!
*****
PLANET GUNSMOKE. On the roster: KNIVES, VICIOUS, LEGATO, MERYL, SEPHIROTH, VASH THE STAMPEDE and DR. CLICHÉ. VASH is pulling the wings off butterflies and cackling with joy. LEGATO is desperately trying to get him to stop without violence.
MERYL: Vash...what's the matter with you? I don't understand!
VASH: (crossing his arms and looking huffy) That's because you're human and humans are dumb. And stinky. And look stupid in Hawaiian shirts. And I hate it when they wear socks and sandals together. They look stupid.
LEGATO: That wasn't very nice. Some of us look good in socks and sandals.
VASH: Shut-up freakshow.
KNIVES is looking on with a confused expression. His gaze shifts from his brother to his servant and back and the confused expression only intensifies.
KNIVES: (to VASH) Is this some kind of joke, brother dear?
VASH: Is WHAT some kind of joke?
KNIVES: (waving his arms around for emphasis) THIS!
VASH: You're not making sense. Do you mean if waving your arms around is a joke? Well, you always did look stupid doing the funky chicken if that's what you mean...
KNIVES: Leave the funky chicken out of this!
DR. CLICHE: Hmm. It appears that your young friend did more damage when she used the passport than I originally thought. Legato and Vash seem to have switched motivations and idiosyncrasies. In other words: Vash will soon be licking his hand obscenely, eating cheesecake like it's going out of style and trying to eradicate humanity. Legato will begin singing the same song over and over, pining over a dead woman and crying like a baby for at least 6 to 7 hours a day while eating donuts.
SEPHIROTH: Who cares about them? What about me! That girl took my passport and now I'm stuck on this ridiculous planet with the Psycho family!
Music begins to play...It sounds strangely like the...Brady Bunch theme? The cast's faces split up into little boxes and they begin looking in the various directions at each other. LEGATO spends most of his time looking at KNIVES. We're not surprised.
LEGATO: Oh here's a story...
KNIVES: Of a man named Vashie!
VASH: Who was living on a planet with his bro.
VICIOUS: Both of them had great big guns,
VASH: For blowing up things!
KNIVES: But they were surrounded by human scum.
SEPHIROTH: That DOESN'T RHYME! It doesn't even FIT in the song!
KNIVES: Shut up fool!
VASH: (ignoring them) Here's the story, of a man named Vicious
KNIVES: Who was living with a really ugly bird
LEGATO: He had rotten people skills.
VICIOUS: (beaming with pride) Like no other!
KNIVES: But he was painfully flawed by his all too evident humanity.
SEPHIROTH: Do you even KNOW how to RHYME?
KNIVES: Bite me.
VASH: 'Til the one day when this trio met Legato...
KNIVES: And they knew that it was much more than a hunch...
VICIOUS: That this group could somehow slaughter people...
LEGATO: Wait! But...I don't want to slaughter people! I want to love them and hug them and buy them presents at Christmas time and...
VASH: Shut up fool!
KNIVES: And that's the way we became the Psycho Bunch!
VASH, VICIOUS and KNIVES: The Psy-cho Bunch! The Psycho Bunch! That's the way we became the Psycho Bunch!
MERYL: (disturbed) Excuse me...but...doesn't anybody care what happened to Milly?
LEGATO: Yes.
DR. CLICHE: Of course.
VICIOUS, SEPHIROTH, VASH and KNIVES: No.
MERYL storms into the LIVING ROOM and turns on the television where she stumbles upon something that sounds like: "Honey! Please! Stop! Owww!!! My arm!" and: "Boy Rem, he's really taking a beating out there." and: "Yeah, you're right Spike. You have to wonder, how much more can he take?" and finally: "No more! No more! Please!"
The rest of the group migrates to the LIVING ROOM where graphic footage of WOLFWOOD being shot repeatedly by a stun gun is playing on Channel 7.
VASH pulls up a seat with popcorn while LEGATO begins to cry. VICIOUS just looks bored.
KNIVES: (frowning at his brother) Now I'm pissed off. Dammit! (whirling to face LEGATO) Legato, you hate humans. (whirling the other way to face VASH) Vash, you love them. Got it?
SEPHIROTH: Wait a minute! You said yourself that you've spent over 100 years trying to get Vash to hate people. You finally get what you want and you're upset?
DR. CLICHE: (staring dramatically into space) Could it be that he longs for the conflict, the challenge of making his brother see things his way? Could it be that he has spent so long in this game of cat and mouse with his brother that he knows no other way to live? Without that constant, perhaps he feels that his life has no purpose.
KNIVES is silent for a minute, as if he is truly considering the statement. Then he pulls out a new, frozen leg of lamb and brandishes it threateningly at DR. CLICHE.
KNIVES: Don't psychoanalyze me, human, lest I show you why they call me "Lamb Chop".
ALL: Huh?
KNIVES: Never mind.
DR. CLICHE moves a fair distance away from KNIVES. So does everyone else.
MERYL: I can't believe this! Milly is up there in Heaven causing trouble and...
A loud bang comes from the TV followed by voices screaming. "Yikes! Well Spike, they've started on the set!" and: "I'll tell you Rem, not even I did this much damage when I tossed a grenade at the place!"
MERYL: Oh no ...Property damage.
VASH: Ain't it cool?
Suddenly, KNIVES has had enough. He grabs his brother by the collar and starts slapping him repeatedly.
KNIVES: LOVE AND PEACE! THINK LOVE AND PEACE! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO FUCKING LOVE AND FUCKING PEACE? EAT (slap) DONUTS (slap) AND (slap) ACT (slap) LIKE (slap) AN (slap) IDIOT (slap)! LOVE (slap) AND (slap) PEACE!
VASH: Ow...Knives...stop...hitting...me...that...sucks...owwwwwww!!!
LEGATO: But Vash...He's right...you SHOULD strive for love and peace.
KNIVES lets go of his brother and turns to LEGATO.
KNIVES: And you!
KNIVES grabs LEGATO and starts slapping him much in the same manner that he slapped VASH.
KNIVES: KILL ALL THE HUMANS! HUMANITY SUCKS! BRING SUFFERING AND DEATH TO EVERYONE! WHY (slap) IS THAT (slap) SO (slap) FUCKING HARD? KILL! (slap) KILL! (slap) KILL! (slap)
LEGATO: Master...please...stop...that...really...doesn't...feel...very...good...
VASH: Hey...That's kinda cool. When you hit him like that, it makes his eyes bug out.
KNIVES: ARRGHHHHHHHHH!!!
SEPHIROTH: (crawling on the floor) Hey! I found a quarter!
KNIVES turns on SEPHIROTH and starts slapping him too.
KNIVES: I (slap) DON'T (slap) HAVE (slap) ANY (slap) REASON (slap) TO (slap) SLAP (slap) YOU (slap) BUT (slap) IT (slap) FEELS (slap) REALLY (slap) GOOD (smack)!
VICIOUS: (to KNIVES) If I pay you, will you do that again?
SEPHIROTH: (in a slurred, dizzy voice to KNIVES) Okay weed-boy. Wait until we're alone. I'm gonna give you a big, hunkin' box of ouchies.
KNIVES: What the fuck is an ouchie? My god! You ARE lame!
DR. CLICHE: Things are getting far too complicated! This does not bode well.
MERYL: Doctor, what is the worst thing that could happen?
DR. CLICHE: If Legato and Vash remain switched as they are, there is no telling the consequences. For all we know, Milly's transport to Heaven may have caused even more damage. We've got to set things right as soon as possible.
KNIVES: You can say that again. I can't tolerate this much longer.
VASH: Hey bro! Let's go blow up a city or two? Come on! Come on! Huh, huh? Doesn't it sound fun? Huh? Huh?
LEGATO: That's not fair. I was hoping the Master and I could chase butterflies and frolic about in a field of flowers.
KNIVES: (to DR. CLICHÉ) Doctor, if you're going to fix this, I suggest you hurry before I introduce you to your spleen.
*****
HEAVEN
MILLY: Stop running!
WOLFWOOD: Spike! HELPPPPPP!
SPIKE: No way! This is too much fun!
MILLY trips WOLFWOOD. He falls down, screaming like a little girl. MILLY stands over him, stun gun trained at his head.
MILLY: Say your prayers, Rabbit.
VOICE: Stop this right now!
ALL turn to see...
AERIS: Okay lady, you betta' stop beatin' on my man like that. For real tho'!
MILLY: Aww no you didn't! You betta' recognize!
REM: Awww shi'! It's 'bout to get bowdy up in here!
SPIKE: Ah na, hell na! They gone up and did it!
MILLY: (to AERIS) Who's gonna stop me? You? (laughs) You weigh.what? 100 pounds, soaking wet and holding a llama? It hardly seems fair, but if it's a fight you're after, you've got it! (aims her stun gun at AERIS while smiling a big, goofy grin) My big, big sister said it was always okay to break my foot off in someone's ass.
AERIS: Ha! Not woman enough to take me without a gun?
MILLY: (tosses the stun gun to the side) I can snap you like a twig WITHOUT the stun gun, skinny-minnie. Bring it.
ROB ZOMBIES' Dragula begins to play.
AERIS and MILLY launch themselves at each other, Matrix style, crash in mid air and fall to the ground, fists flailing.
WOLFWOOD: Girls! Stop this!
SPIKE: Are you stupid? Two hot girls beating on each other? That's a major turn on! Now all we need is Jell-O and this really would be Heaven! I do so love strong women! Cat fight! Woo Hooo!
REM smacks SPIKE.
SPIKE: (genuinely confused) Oww! What?
*****
PLANET GUNSMOKE. The cast is standing about and the film crew has already left out of boredom. DR. CLICHÉ is staring at a huge diagram he has drawn, occasionally making notes or working a bit of math.
LEGATO: (watching the carnage on TV) I've got to stop this! The violence...it's so wrong! It would make Rem cry! (that's what HE thinks! Bwa-ha-ha!)
LEGATO pulls out his Universal Passport and then disappears in a puff of smoke.
VASH: Thank god that girly-man is gone. Hey bro! Lets strap fireworks to that cat over there!
KURONEKOSAMA: Nya?
KNIVES: (eyebrow twitching) I can't stand this anymore! Doctor?
DR. CLICHÉ: I'm still working on the solution.genius takes time.
VICIOUS: (looking around at the sorry gathering of deceased and living) There's nothing happening here.I'm going to Heaven to watch the girl fight.
VICIOUS also uses his Passport and disappears in a puff of smoke.
DR. CLICHÉ: (looking excited) Did he say 'girl fight'?
KNIVES: Don't even think about it. You stay here and fix this.
DR. CLICHÉ: Um.gee.let me think about that.hmm.how about 'no'? (shouting) GO, GO cliché-copter!
DR. CLICHÉ pushes a button on his watch and a helicopter blade extends from his head. He crashes through the ceiling and flies away, waving happily the entire time, obviously thinking perverted thoughts.
KNIVES: That little fuck!
VASH: Want me to shoot him out of the sky?
KNIVES: Do I have to slap you again?
VASH pouts.
MERYL: I can't stand being around Vash when he's like this! I'm going to go type a report and try to act in-character! That's right, I'm furious and practical! I like order and organization! I'm very, very angry!
MERYL storms out of the room.in a practical, organized manner.
VASH: Bye-bye bitchy lady!
KNIVES: I really want to kick someone's ass right about now.
SEPHIROTH: How do you think I feel? My co-hosts abandoned me.AGAIN!
VASH shrugs and then runs off after KURONEKOSAMA with a sparking stick of dynamite effectively leaving SEPHIROTH and KNIVES alone.
SEPHIROTH and KNIVES stare at each other for a very long time. Crickets chirp and cherry blossoms blow past for no reason whatsoever.
SEPHIROTH: Sooo.
KNIVES: Riiight.
SEPHIROTH: Er.
KNIVES: (scratching his head) Yeah.
SEPHIROTH: (drumming his fingers) Um.
KNIVES: Sooo.Are we gonna beat each other up or not?
SEPHIROTH: Whew! I thought you'd never ask!
They attack each other and generally seem happy, all things considered.
*****
HEAVEN.
MILLY: (layin' the smack down) My god! You were in an RPG? You must have been a back-row healer because you hit like shit!
AERIS: Oh yeah? That's because you are unaware of what I'm truly capable of! (her voice gets deep and scary) Ancient spirits of evil transform this decaying form into MUMM-RA, THE EVER-LIVING!
SPIKE: Uh.what?
REM: (watching as AERIS transforms into MUMM-RA) Uh.Sorry.but it looks like Aeris is really the villain from "Thundercats."
SPIKE: Shit! Why do all the hot babes turn out to be undead creatures?
REM: Bad luck, I guess.
WOLFWOOD: (horrified) Holy SHIT.I was sleeping with that?
REM: Them's the breaks.
AERIS-RA: (slapping MILLY repeatedly) Who hits like shit now? Huh!
MILLY: You do! WATCH THIS! Ancient spirits of pudding transform this fleshy body into THE STAY PUFFED MARSHMALLOW MAN!
SPIKE: Uh.what?
REM: (watching as MILLY transforms into a 100 ft. tall marshmallow sailor) Uh.Sorry, but it looks like Milly is really the Villain from "Ghostbusters."
SPIKE: Shit! Why do all the hot babes turn out to be made of.uh.never mind, I got nothing.
REM: Wise decision.
WOLFWOOD: (even more horrified) Holy SHIT.that's the mother of my children?
REM: Them's the.never mind, I got nothing.
Suddenly, LEGATO, VICIOUS and DR. CLICHÉ arrive on the set just as MILLY er..."STAY PUFFED" steps on er..."MUMM-RA"...
VICIOUS: (looking around, disappointed) WHAT HAPPENED TO THE HOT GIRLS? THAT'S A MARSHMALLOW AND A MUMMY! I WANTED TO SEE BABES!
DR. CLICHÉ: On the bright side, the marshmallow is rather curvy and the mummy has nice legs.
LEGATO: (hollering and pointing at the priest) Wolfwood!
WOLFWOOD: (turns to see LEGATO) Ugh.what do you want? Can't you see I'm having a crisis?
LEGATO looks at the two gruesome creatures beating each other up over his love then turns back to WOLFWOOD.
LEGATO: Yes.I see that now. I'm really sorry.
The fight stops. AERIS and MILLY return to their regular shapes and gawk at LEGATO. WOLFWOOD, SPIKE, REM, VICIOUS, and DR. CLICHÉ stare with their mouths open.
ALL: WHAT?
SPIKE: Did you just.apologize?
LEGATO: Er.Yes. I'm.I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. And it's good to see you, Wolfwood.
And, for the first time in his psychopathic life, LEGATO W. BLUESUMMERS smiles a sincere, genuine, not-frightening smile. His teeth sparkle as does his one, visible eye. The dolphins and vultures come back to life, the polar ice caps reform, hell unthaws and pigs cease to fly. All the living creatures of the earth rejoice and butterflies flit around LEGATO'S head. In fact, all the creatures of the world seem pleased except.
WOLFWOOD: (more horrified than he's ever been in his life) THAT SMILE IS THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I'VE EVER SEEN! YOU'RE INSANE! YOU NOT SUPPOSED TO SMILE NORMALLY! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
LEGATO actually looks hurt. And that's when the tremors start. They're very small at first, but grow in intensity until all of HEAVEN is shaking violently.
REM: What is going on here?
ALL turn to look at DR. CLICHÉ.
DR. CLICHÉ: How the fuck should I know?
All over HEAVEN and on the SET, static is heard followed by a VOICE booming over an intercom system. It sorta sounds like the Captain's voice on an airplane (like in the movies!)
VOICE: Uh.this is the Archangel Earl speaking.
VICIOUS: Earl? The Archangel EARL? The world is a BAD place.
EARL: We've run into a bit of trouble here in Heaven. It seems like something truly vile and corrupt must have happened. Whatever it was, it defied nature and Heaven itself couldn't withstand the sheer evil of this thing. It must have been revolting.
WOLFWOOD: (scowling at LEGATO) You can say that again!
LEGATO looks even more hurt.
EARL: We're still looking into it, but.um.evacuating might be a good idea. So.I think I can safely say "smoke 'em if you've got 'em folks, this place is going down." Oh the humanity! ARrghhhhhhhhhHHHH!
The intercom goes dead.
WOLFWOOD: Damn!
REM: Damn, damn.
SPIKE: Are you kidding? This is great! He said I could smoke! (SPIKE tries to light up but REM snatches the cigarette away)
REM: We have to go!
DR. CLICHÉ: I agree, we should make good our retreat! GO, GO cliché- copter!
The cast speeds towards the exit and SPIKE is really wanting one of those trap doors right about now. DR. CLICHE triggers his personal helicopter gadget and is flying off when.
HEAVEN EXPLODES. In fact...it explodes real good.
*****
GUNSMOKE. Awhile later. Battered, bruised, covered in soot and generally looking sorry, the cast of the "Afterlife Coffee Break" and "The Afterlife.whatever" (minus SEPHIROTH), are sitting in a straight line, side by side, in the middle of the desert. With them are AERIS and MILLY. They are all silent, simply staring at the suns setting before them.
SPIKE places a crooked cigarette to his mouth and gets to smoke for the first time since he died.
SPIKE: (savoring the first drag) I forgot how good these were. This should have happened a long, long, long time ago.
SPIKE offers the carton of cigarettes around. REM and WOLFWOOD take one each and then pass them on to MILLY and AERIS who share one. SPIKE even passes one to VICIOUS who takes it gratefully. DR. CLICHÉ declines and takes out a flask of strong whiskey instead.
REM: Well.Heaven blew up.
ALL: Yeah.
WOLFWOOD: (taking a long drag) Uh.Legato?
LEGATO: Yeah?
WOLFWOOD: Somehow, all of this is your fault. You know that, right?
LEGATO: What? Havoc? Mayhem? Explosions? You damn skippy.
The End (?)....
