Part Three: Pipe Dreams
Chapter Four
January 1880 - 12th year of the Meiji Era (less than three months later)
"Nothin's allowed to be easy with you, is it? You asshole." Sano slammed his door into place, rattling the screen in its tracks. His home was cool with the winter's draft that seeped through thin walls. "I fought you and you mocked me. I trained, and you told me it wasn't enough. I fought a friend and nearly got killed by him, and you treated me like a fuckin' infant."
Sano pounded his fists on the floor. "Every time we met, you challenged me, and I failed. I couldn't fuckin' stop failin' 'cause it was your out- dated standards I hadda meet!
"I thought I knew how to improve, I taught myself everythin' before didn't I? But then you pulled your dyin' stunt before I even gotta damned chance."
Sanosuke was fully enraged, pacing the floor. "But I moved on! I have a lotta practice with that, you see, so I'm good at it. I move on better than I fight, and I fight better than you think.
"I knew what I hadda do, I hadda surpass you and your fuckin' expectations. I needed to move on farther than ever, to a place where you couldn't fuckin' touch me." His voice broke.
"I did it, of course. I forgot about you. Most of me did. Except at night, because every night you came back. Couldn't leave me alone, eh?" Sano's sarcasm was desperate.
"The dreams started in July, not that long after you disappeared. I thought they'd go away, or that I could learn to live with them, but they took over. Do you know what it's like to not sleep more than a few hours every fuckin' night? For a year? It fucks up your head. And I didn't even know they were about you at first." Sano slumped against his wall for support and sat down. He wasn't crying, though. He would never cry about this.
He was glad he'd run out of money for lamp oil; the dark made the room safer for his confession. "But I don't go down easy, even you'll admit that. When I found out it was you causin' my dreams, I knew I hadda fuckin' track you down and put an end to the bullshit. It was like a vision from the gods, I thought. A message tellin' me how to defeat your ghost. Except it wasn't, it was just one more chance for you to screw me over."
Sano wanted sake, or anything alcoholic, to make it easier to forget and fall asleep. But he needed this, he'd been holding too much in lately. He needed to clear his mind, even if he did have to keep his voice down for privacy.
He spoke lowly, "I thought Kenshin would tell me everythin' I needed to know, but he said more than I ever fuckin' wanted to hear. My plan was to find you, exorcise your demon, and maybe get a piece of you while I was at it. The gods were tellin' me about the one advantage I could get over you, and I fell for it.
"It was a dumb, half-assed idea, but I was crazy, and lonely too. Half of me knew it woulda been so sweet, though, to walk up to you, charm you, and leave you. And the other half of me was just cryin' out for any attention from you. Yeah, that part was there. That part had fuckin' fallen in love with you--isn't that a riot? Not that I let myself admit any of that shit." Humiliation burned in his chest and face.
"If I'd done it? Found you, and fucked you, maybe? I probably woulda ended up hurtin' myself. But I wasn't thinkin' of that at the time. All I was thinkin' of was how much I needed to find you." Now he wanted the sake bottle to smash it against the wall.
The snow on his shoes had melted, freezing his feet even more, and he realized he'd forgotten to take them off. He did now, throwing them at the door, leaving a wet dirt streak on panels. "It seemed right, a lotta goddamned things seemed right. The part of me that wanted you would get you--I'd figure out a way to make it happen--and then the sane part of me would walk away. But I needed to find you first.
"Kenshin told me about you all right, even told me enough about your past to start trackin' you down, gave me some good ideas where to start. He didn't think it was strange I was askin' him; he thought you were probably alive too. He said he'd been 'dumbfounded' when he'd learned what'd happened to you in Shishio's fortress.
"Kenshin's theory was you didn't wanna have anythin' more to do with us-- with him, after he'd served his purpose, and fakin' death was a convenient way to keep us outta your life.
"He didn't want me goin' after you, didn't want me to get hurt in a fight, but he was worried about my head too. He said if findin' you would 'help rid my eyes of their haunted look,' I should try it."
Sano started laughing to himself. "I guess Kenshin is smarter than me, he knew what was buggin' me the whole fuckin' time. You know what he said that was the most helpful though? He suggested I might wanna try and find your wife."
Sano slammed the floor again. He had stopped laughing. "Oh yeah, almost forgot about her, almost completely fuckin' forgot she existed. The illustrious Mrs. Tokio, who must be Buddha for the patience of her heart with a husband havin' a whole damn country as his mistress. Is she really a nice lady? Gee, wish I'd fuckin' got to know her. Of course, you wouldn't wanna expose her to a worthless piece of shit like me, now would you? So maybe you made the right choice."
Sano slapped his forehead in angry mock disbelief. "What am I sayin'? Of course you did it right! How could you do fuckin' wrong? That's the cruelest part of it, you didn't fuck me up; I did it to myself. I pinned all these goddamned hopes on you, so no wonder I got screwed over.
"What was my problem anyway? Thinkin' about you, thinkin' I could get to you. Thinkin' you could respect me, maybe like me. I really was a dreamer.
"Of course, my plans changed when learned about her, your darlin' wife. For some reason, you didn't strike me as the adulterous type. I thought for a bit that maybe I could still try and find you--for a fight--but what fuckin' good would that do? Shit, I was bein' a dumbass in the first place, to wanna look for your sorry ass at all."
The darkness of his room was less comforting now, his imagination roamed and he felt as if he could be anywhere, in any darkened place. He wanted to be back in his first home; in the tiny room shared with his little sister. There had been comfort and familiarity, which was why he'd left in the first place, to carve out a new familiarity, a new family that would comfort, but not constrain. He was still looking.
"They were only dreams, I'd forgot that too. I was bein' naïve and stupid, so I guess I made you right again. Wait, is that how it works? I make you right? If it's me doin' it, then I guess the only fuckin' thing I gotta do to beat you is to beat myself. No wonder I got such a huge headache."
Rubbing his head, Sano went to his little cupboard, given to him by Megumi for a holiday he couldn't remember. He took his last bit of lamp oil, and lit the lamp, casting light and shadows through the room, highlighting his sole possessions of the cupboard, the lamp, and his bed.
"You're a stubborn bastard yourself, though. I don't think I've ever hadda forget about one person so many times in my whole damned life. But hey, practice makes perfect. I'd gotten stung by you again, but it was another lesson learned. The new plan was to make myself so goddamned tired, no dreams could get through." Sano made himself comfortable in front of his lamp, to watch the cheap entertainment of shadow play on the walls.
"That's when I picked up the job with Shimohira-san. He's glad for the help. Even a loony old fart like him, keepin' dogs as kids, knows when the work's too much for one man. It ain't even a bad job. It keeps me in shape, and doin' somethin' worthwhile, like Kenshin. Besides, Shimohira- san doesn't pay half bad for a loony old fart." The wind had picked up and was now whistling tunelessly along the side of the house.
Sano's voice grew even quieter and the flickering light distracted his eyes. "Everyone was so surprised. They all thought I'd been plannin' to leave; I was too antsy to stay in Tokyo. For me to settle down was the last thing they expected, after I'd spent so long drawin' away from them. Megumi was absolutely speechless when I told her I'd got a job." Sano grinned, a mischevious glint in his eyes, as his hands made a shadow fox puppet run across the floor, only to have his own shadow swallow it up.
"Things got better, life got better. Of course it did, I was already at the very bottom. There wasn't no more worse to get. I started drinkin' again, found a few nice women, even thought about a nice man or two, but I didn't wanna bring back memories by accident. It was peaceful. I gotta remember to ask you, have you noticed the peace? Great for guys like Kenshin, but it must be hell for you. I'd hate peace and quiet too, I bet, if I had any." Sano's face darkened.
"I almost did, and it was borin' as hell. In a nice way, I mean. But shit like that don't last 'til you've paid too much for it. I guess I'm still payin', because it sure didn't take too fuckin' long for the rumours to start tricklin' in." Sano pulled at the splintery floorboards, collecting wood fibres. "It was just drunk talk at first, a great new cop was comin' in from Kyoto to clean out our bars and brothels, make everythin' look nice for the rich foreigners. A real high and mighty asshole, supposedly. I knew it was you. So did Kenshin.
"He came to me, wantin' to know what I was gonna do. It'd bothered him that I never did anythin' after askin' about you. Maybe because I just walked out on him after he spilled your secret--I never did explain that. I told him not to worry. He still did, of course, but he didn't bring it up again." Sano held the bits of wood over the flame, watching them. "I just went on like usual, ignorin' the rumours. I got ears of solid rock when I want to. But then Katsu brought home the name "Fujita Gorou," and I couldn't pretend like before. Not after hearin' the first solid proof you were alive. No more delusions. I finally hadda fantasy goin' that worked for me, and you just ripped it away."
The wood danced and burned in his fingers. "Damn!" Sano dropped the wood into the lamp and sucked on the scorched skin. He tore off some of his bandages to use them on his hand. "It was almost as bad as before. I kept livin' every day just waitin' for you to show up and throw everythin' into shit for real. Every day you didn't come was another day I spent imaginin' the worst. That you'd show up and I'd go crazy and throw myself at you. Or I'd pick a fight, you'd kill me, and Kenshin would go berserk. Maybe you would just go right after Kenshin, or jail all my buddies like the fuckin' super-cop you think you are. Maybe you'd even bring her, the missus, just so I'd get to see my dumbest mistake tucked around your damned arm." Sano's fists were clenched, and his eyes burned brighter than the lamp.
"And when you finally did waltz into town, goddamned smirk and all, it was even worse than I'd imagined.
"I remember that day so fuckin' well. Shimohira-san got sick and didn't need me, so I just screwed around 'til my money ran out. I was just passin' time when you showed up. You were finally back, in the fuckin' flesh, and I wished you'd drop dead on the spot. But you didn't, that'd be too easy, after all. What you had to be was friendly." Sano smirked. "Well, maybe not friendly, but you sure as fuck wouldn't leave me alone. I wanted you to piss off and you kept askin' questions. And by the end of it, I was almost dreamin' again, thinkin' maybe you respected me more because I'd grown up."
Sano gritted his teeth and scowled, an unconscious impersonation of an angry Saitou. "And you know what? I was fuckin' right for once! You did respect me a bit more, and it fuckin' interested you. That's always been your goddamned way. You only care about what interests you or what's useful to you. I wasn't ever gonna be useful, but I guess I turned out to be very fuckin' interestin'!"
He smacked the lamp to the side, and a small portion of the floor caught fire. "Fuck!" He threw his jacket over the flames to smother them, cursing his misfortune; then continued speaking harshly under his breath as he kneeled next to the scorched wood. "I tried and I tried, and I did all I fuckin' could to ignore you. I forgot you, I hated you, I thought about gettin' Kenshin to kill you one time, as dumb as that idea was. But nothin' changes the fact that every time I see you, every time we meet in the street or go out to bars, every time that we argue or joke around, every moment that you treat me like a goddamned human being for some fucked- up reason that I don't understand, all I can think of is how nice those dreams were, and how untouchable you are."
Completely in the dark again, Sano's shoulders heaved with his unloosed emotions. "What happened to you? Why did we become friends? You're still an arrogant and self-satisfied bastard, you'll never change, but now I've seen an almost carin' side to you. You've always thought I needed improvin', but you never bothered to be interested before, so why am I good enough for you now? And even though we're practically friends, you won't tell me why you came to Tokyo, why you gave up smokin', or what makes you so sad when you've spent too long thinkin' to yourself. I don't understand you.
"I ask you about this stuff all the time, but you won't say anythin', and it makes me want to hurt you or help you or somethin'. Why, goddammit? Why do I have to like you, when everythin' would be so much easier if I could hate you."
Sano's eyes, adjusted to the dark, looked around his small, empty house. "Fuck it. I'm too tired for this, too tired to act like a crazy person talkin' to someone who ain't even here." He left his jacket lying on the floor, and went to curl up on his bed mat. The new blanket was nice and thick, a gift from Saitou, but he still had to rub his arms to get rid of goose bumps brought on by the cold. He closed his eyes and told himself to sleep, but his mind wasn't quite ready for slumber yet.
He thought about his day, which had been worse than most. By the end of it, he'd been so upset he'd gone home right away, not even stopping off at the police station. It'd been Shimohira's fault; he'd spent the whole day talking about his daughter, who had long ago married and moved away to Osaka.
The old man had babbled on about how happy his darling Eriko had been when she'd first met the man she wanted to marry. She'd come home bursting with the news that her soul mate had appeared to her, and three months later, she'd started living happily as Takeshi Eriko.
Shimohira had stressed, in his roundabout way, his delight that his daughter had found her destined love. He'd hinted about Sano's own love life, saying, "All got someone, even if we don't know it, wouldn't you say?" and had stirred too many regretful feelings with his meddling comments.
Sano would have been only mildly irritated if only his employer hadn't gone on to talk about Tokio, his newest granddaughter. The name, which Sanosuke had sought to obliterate from his mind, always caused his heart to sting, and he spent the remainder of the day trying to get over the upsetting remark. He'd marveled at the new fragility of his world, how the easiest thing could unleash tumultuous emotions and ruin his whole mindset. The newly discovered weakness only served to anger him more. By the time he'd reached his apartment, he'd been exploding with fury. Even when he'd quieted somewhat, the apparent calm had been underlain with violence.
Sano felt sheepish now, for ruining his lamp and floor, and acting insane again. He didn't want his friends to worry, and he certainly didn't want Saitou finding out about his weakness--he'd never hear the end of it.
Although some of his anger had been irrational, he wasn't entirely unjustified. Saitou's invasive memory and Sanosuke's own desires had created a complex situation. Learning about Tokio had hurt him deeply--he hadn't been expecting her at all--and he'd been completely unprepared for the intensity with which it affected him. Although ignoring the problem had worked for a while, Saitou's re-entrance had irrevocably complicated things, and Sano had spent a great deal of time since trying to understand his hatred, admiration, obsession, and even love for the man.
He knew the hatred originally stemmed from Saitou's arrogant and insulting manner. Sano had hated that the man had deemed his best efforts useless and then wouldn't let him improve. The confinement had enraged him, but it had also fueled his admiration. Saitou's strength and ability to put up a good fight had made Sanosuke want to be at his level even more. But because both his hate and admiration had been unrequited and unfulfilling, they'd driven Sano to obsess over the man until he'd finally been able to remove his need for Saitou's approval, a process made easier by Saitou disappearance. Unfortunately, a new element had brought back his hatred, admiration, and obsession, inflaming them far beyond their previous level.
It was his love, also unrequited, forcing Sano into his vicious circle; the other three emotions weren't powerful enough to enslave him in the same way. Hatred was a strong, but negative emotion; it wasn't in his nature to dwell on the negative. Admiration was positive, but it wasn't enough of a passionate or rare emotion to keep him prisoner. He had many people to admire besides Saitou. Without the hate and admiration, the obsession couldn't exist. It was love, ironically, that played cruel tricks on his psyche.
Of all the things confusing him now, his uncertainty of the source of his love was the most confounding. He wondered if its cause might be his hate, admiration, obsession, or a combination of all three, but it seemed unlikely; he'd banished those original feelings long before the love had brought them back.
Another possibility was that physical attraction was the basis for the love. As he'd examined the new dimensions of his sexuality, he'd found he didn't care too much about gender after all; it was contentment with women that had stopped him from exploring. Now his eyes had opened more, but not much had changed as a result anyway.
Saitou did fit in with his taste in men, he'd discovered. Sano had learned he was most attracted to men like himself, which was similar to his taste in women. He wanted a partner who was strong and capable, not childish or excessively feminine. He didn't want someone he'd be tied down to as a protector, but a companion to stand by his side to fight, which was why people like Megumi or Saitou appealed to him. Of course, if someone was close enough to him to feel like family, like Kenshin, Kaoru, or even Katsu, he abhorred the possibility of attraction. Also, too much body hair was a major turn-off.
But mere sexual attraction didn't explain his infatuation either, because Sanosuke simply didn't care about sex enough to let it take over his life. He wasn't wanting for sexual partners, although his love life had yet to improve after the end of the dreams. His current abstinence was a personal choice stemming from being too stressed to even want to get it up. Eleven and a half months of wet dreams and eighteen months of mental turmoil could do that to someone. Even the few exceptions he'd made in the peaceful interims the last few months of his life were more for comfort's sake than lust.
However, getting rid of the causes of emotional imbalance and sexual need left Sanosuke with nothing but fewer possible solutions and a headache. He tried to refocus his attention on the old dreams instead of wasting time on half-articulated psychology.
It was strange that what he recalled of the dream was not the actual sensation, but the accompanying sensations it caused in the waking reality. He remembered remembering a wonderful feeling, but the only actual emotions he could physically remember were the loss and emptiness from waking up.
He did also remember the feeling of freedom, of elation when he'd finally cleared the mist from around him. His hatred of not understanding situations going on around him--the reason the dreams had made him so angry- -had meant that once the mystery had been solved, he was content. Even the mysteries and problems the solution had created seemed trivial because there had been hope that if one answer had been found, others could be. It was the crushing of that hope in the form of an unknown woman, a faceless obstruction, which had been devastating to his heart. Not even having all the bones in your hand crushed to splinters hurts worse than having your hope destroyed.
It wasn't until his heart had been broken that it occurred to Sano he'd been in love.
Fingering the material of his pillow, Sanosuke realized he possibly hadn't even fallen so until after he'd remembered the dreams. Perhaps the dreams were completely random, but the strong feeling from them was so intoxicating he had fallen in love with the sensation and the person associated with it. The idea made him uncomfortable, as it made the whole thing seem a bit cheap, but he reminded himself it was only speculation. Truthfully, the reason behind his love didn't matter all that much, as long as he understood this particular love was futile and painful, and he should get rid of it. Again.
That was his legitimate reason for being angry with Saitou. Even learning his love was a useless endeavor hadn't totally thwarted Sano. Without love, life had gone on; there was still happiness, and hope for other things. But the suppression of his feelings only worked as long as he was convinced his love was completely impossible. Having Saitou alive and near him, having him as a friend even, was a sliver of agonizing hope impossible to ignore. It reminded Sano too much of what had gone wrong for him to remember what was right.
Their friendship was an odd one, more of an amiable enmity with occasional glimpses of true care, like Saitou's impromptu gifts of food or clothing, skillfully presented without an aggravating air of charity. Or Sano's sporadic tips on certain crimes he caught wind of, given discreetly but effectively. The rest of the time, they simply hung out together--if Saitou wasn't busy--arguing and insulting each other. It provided a nice mix of company for both of them, and their 'friendly discussions' were often amusing to them as well as to many eavesdropping parties.
Their usual outing consisted of Sano dropping by the police station after working hours to badger Saitou about being a tool of the government and an out-dated relic, while Saitou berated him for being a useless waste of skin and an immature thug. They would continue like that, as Sano dragged Saitou out to bars and Saitou eventually dragged Sano home.
To Sano's dismay, Saitou never allowed their arguments to go beyond the verbal stage; it would be unseemly for an officer of the law to be involves in public violence for no good reason. However, their evenings together were always interesting no matter what subject they chose, be it government ideals or which drunk in the bar would most likely end up passed out in a ditch before the sun rose.
In addition to the no fighting rule, Saitou also forbade Sano to call him derogatory names, and Sanosuke forced the same promise out of Saitou. It was a rule they sometimes broke, but it mattered more that they had made it in the first place. They'd both agreed to keep a certain level of civility no matter how drunk Sano was, or how irritated Saitou was. Bystanders and bar patrons never tired of hearing two grown men speak to each other with forced restraint when it was obvious they wanted nothing more than to beat each other over the head, which they also sometimes did.
Once they became unable to continue without spilling blood, and they would switch topics. Despite the lack of stress-relieving fistfights, Sano actually enjoyed forcing Saitou to treat him with respect, and even practicing how to control his own temper. It was a skill he was realizing he desperately needed as his violent impulses became more frequent in his emotional state and more unwieldy given the changes in society. He also liked to think he was teaching Saitou as much about his way of life as he was learning about Saitou's.
Sometimes the two men would go out walking alone, and would end up having more serious conversations, again on all sorts of topics, like philosophy or politics. Sano was genuinely interested in Saitou's unique perspective on issues, but Saitou as well seemed to have a certain respect for Sano's opinions, which had baffled him at first. When Sanosuke had first inquired into Saitou's new attitude, the man had first been patronizing, spouting something about the "ignorant wisdom of children." When he'd pressed the matter, Saitou had simply told him it was a good idea to be aware of opinions from every level of society, and that he shouldn't get a swelled head about it.
The comment had originally irked Sano, but after some thought, he'd realized Saitou was only stating the truth, not trying to be cruel. Also, Sano had realized it was still a compliment to him that Saitou had chosen him to be his liaison into the lower classes, and not someone else with better manners. Besides, if all Saitou was after was information, he wouldn't have spent as much time with Sano as he did, which meant part of their friendship was still about companionship.
Companionship was Sanosuke's best guess as to why Saitou put up with him. With all his old friends and enemies either dead or avoiding death, Saitou's life must have become lonely. Even in his work, differences in status or personal beliefs would separate him from his colleagues. A man can be a loner all he wants, he still needs at least one other person to talk to. Sano was certain that was the motivation behind Saitou's actions, but he still didn't understand why he had been chosen as worthy. Part of him wondered why Saitou wouldn't seek that companionship with his wife, who hadn't come to Tokyo with him after all, for unfathomable reasons.
Sano would have asked about the enigmatic Saitou Tokio, except he avoided thinking about her at all cost, and because he had learned early on that the easiest way to get silence out of Saitou was to mention anything to do with his recent past, including his smoking habit, Kyoto, and, most likely, his wife. His occasional depressions were also not up for discussion, no matter how much Sano tried to address the topic.
Saitou's melancholy was an irritating point for Sano. It seemed impossible for someone with Saitou's spirit, but every so often when Sano called on him in his office, he would be staring into space, completely blank. He never responded to Sano's inquiries about it, pretending he hadn't even heard the words. Saitou only did that with these few things, Sanosuke found, but he still didn't know why.
However, Saitou never acted like that when he was with Sano, only when Sano found him in the state, which wasn't frequently either. But it was always disturbing when Saitou was in his detached frame of mind, as Sano had come to think of it. The man was many things--arrogant, superior, passionate, and ruthless sprang immediately to mind--but detachment and total apathy were severely out of character.
The infrequency was mildly comforting to Sano; he thought they might be lessening in impact. Aside from that, it was one of the other reasons Sanosuke had for spending time with Saitou, besides the interest and breaking up the monotony of his other company. Part of him felt sympathy for Saitou, knowing what it was like to have an unhappy past you'd rather forget about, and was glad Saitou was never unhappy in his company. Irritated and pissed off, sometimes, but not unhappy.
He knew there was some pride in his motivations as well, but he figured he deserved it, since his pride had been taking a beating lately. There were other reasons Sanosuke refused to stop seeing Saitou as well, even when skipping town appeared to be the simplest solution to his head and heartache.
Sano liked the talking, liked the company, and liked the variation from his normal friends. He was also still very curious about Saitou's actions, and was counting on figuring the whole thing out eventually. Sano was looking to turn his life in a different direction; he knew you couldn't stick to the past if the future was changing, and Saitou was very good at motivating him to do that.
His attraction to Saitou, though horrible most of the time, was most bearable when he was actually with the man, because Saitou always did a great job of distracting him from his troubles, even if he was causing most of them in the first place. And sometimes, if Sano got drunk enough, it was almost like Tokio and certain interfering emotions didn't even exist, and he could pretend he was having a platonic evening out with a friend.
Suddenly, Sano realized his most important reason for staying in town was that he hated to give up. Nothing bothered him more than losing and running away like a whipped mongrel. He might run in circles sometimes, but he always came back.
Sure, some days might be bad and the emotional and mental frailty was humiliating at best, but what would life be without some challenges? One of the things Sano liked best about Saitou, was that life was never boring when he was around. Peace and quiet were over-rated.
However, certain things were still precarious for Sanosuke. His friendship with Saitou wasn't really the problem, as strange as it was, and he didn't really feel the need to question it too deeply. But there were two things he could do without: his love, and Saitou's wife. Harming his friend's spouse was out of the question, as well as trying to seduce Saitou away from her, which would obviously be embarrassing and disastrous.
As for his love--or his lust, or his immature crush, or whatever it was called--Sano didn't know what it was, what caused it, or how to get rid of it now that it had grown so strong. He felt it to different degrees whenever he looked at Saitou, almost whenever he thought of him. He feared it coming out in a drunken or angry confession, and despised having to hold his emotions in and let them eat away at his mind. When Sano tried to grasp his love's purpose or origin, his mind spiraled off into philosophical abstracts incomprehensible to his conscious mind. It made him hate and fear an innocent woman he'd never met, and that made him hate and fear himself. Even thinking about thinking about it upset him.
He sometimes lived petrified of breaking down like a woman, blubbering and sobbing one moment, and hurling tables the next. Weeks would go by without the feeling being more than an annoying fly, buzzing at his ears, then a lantern would cast its light on Saitou's face in the perfect way, or the man would pay him a rough and vaguely insulting compliment, and his heart would swell up for a few moments, then burst.
A few times, Sano had been forced to run out on Saitou, likely leaving the other man confused or annoyed. Sano wondered if Saitou felt the same way about his random acts of lunacy as Sano felt about Saitou's episodes. He never mentioned it, however, which was another reason Sanosuke was grateful for his presence. Kenshin and Katsu wouldn't have let him get away with that much strangeness, especially considering his earlier behavior. Saitou was always discreet, and somehow had engineered a tacit agreement between them about which subjects were not to be touched and which buttons were not to be pressed, whether it was for the sake of Saitou, or for Sano.
As Sanosuke finally drifted beyond the realm of lucid thought, it grated on him that the one person who seemed to understand him was a secretive asshole, government flunky, and the source of all his woe. He desperately hoped that when all the secrets finally came out, no innocents would be caught in the storm, and there would still be some pieces of their friendship to pick up afterwards.
*~*~*
Chapter Four
January 1880 - 12th year of the Meiji Era (less than three months later)
"Nothin's allowed to be easy with you, is it? You asshole." Sano slammed his door into place, rattling the screen in its tracks. His home was cool with the winter's draft that seeped through thin walls. "I fought you and you mocked me. I trained, and you told me it wasn't enough. I fought a friend and nearly got killed by him, and you treated me like a fuckin' infant."
Sano pounded his fists on the floor. "Every time we met, you challenged me, and I failed. I couldn't fuckin' stop failin' 'cause it was your out- dated standards I hadda meet!
"I thought I knew how to improve, I taught myself everythin' before didn't I? But then you pulled your dyin' stunt before I even gotta damned chance."
Sanosuke was fully enraged, pacing the floor. "But I moved on! I have a lotta practice with that, you see, so I'm good at it. I move on better than I fight, and I fight better than you think.
"I knew what I hadda do, I hadda surpass you and your fuckin' expectations. I needed to move on farther than ever, to a place where you couldn't fuckin' touch me." His voice broke.
"I did it, of course. I forgot about you. Most of me did. Except at night, because every night you came back. Couldn't leave me alone, eh?" Sano's sarcasm was desperate.
"The dreams started in July, not that long after you disappeared. I thought they'd go away, or that I could learn to live with them, but they took over. Do you know what it's like to not sleep more than a few hours every fuckin' night? For a year? It fucks up your head. And I didn't even know they were about you at first." Sano slumped against his wall for support and sat down. He wasn't crying, though. He would never cry about this.
He was glad he'd run out of money for lamp oil; the dark made the room safer for his confession. "But I don't go down easy, even you'll admit that. When I found out it was you causin' my dreams, I knew I hadda fuckin' track you down and put an end to the bullshit. It was like a vision from the gods, I thought. A message tellin' me how to defeat your ghost. Except it wasn't, it was just one more chance for you to screw me over."
Sano wanted sake, or anything alcoholic, to make it easier to forget and fall asleep. But he needed this, he'd been holding too much in lately. He needed to clear his mind, even if he did have to keep his voice down for privacy.
He spoke lowly, "I thought Kenshin would tell me everythin' I needed to know, but he said more than I ever fuckin' wanted to hear. My plan was to find you, exorcise your demon, and maybe get a piece of you while I was at it. The gods were tellin' me about the one advantage I could get over you, and I fell for it.
"It was a dumb, half-assed idea, but I was crazy, and lonely too. Half of me knew it woulda been so sweet, though, to walk up to you, charm you, and leave you. And the other half of me was just cryin' out for any attention from you. Yeah, that part was there. That part had fuckin' fallen in love with you--isn't that a riot? Not that I let myself admit any of that shit." Humiliation burned in his chest and face.
"If I'd done it? Found you, and fucked you, maybe? I probably woulda ended up hurtin' myself. But I wasn't thinkin' of that at the time. All I was thinkin' of was how much I needed to find you." Now he wanted the sake bottle to smash it against the wall.
The snow on his shoes had melted, freezing his feet even more, and he realized he'd forgotten to take them off. He did now, throwing them at the door, leaving a wet dirt streak on panels. "It seemed right, a lotta goddamned things seemed right. The part of me that wanted you would get you--I'd figure out a way to make it happen--and then the sane part of me would walk away. But I needed to find you first.
"Kenshin told me about you all right, even told me enough about your past to start trackin' you down, gave me some good ideas where to start. He didn't think it was strange I was askin' him; he thought you were probably alive too. He said he'd been 'dumbfounded' when he'd learned what'd happened to you in Shishio's fortress.
"Kenshin's theory was you didn't wanna have anythin' more to do with us-- with him, after he'd served his purpose, and fakin' death was a convenient way to keep us outta your life.
"He didn't want me goin' after you, didn't want me to get hurt in a fight, but he was worried about my head too. He said if findin' you would 'help rid my eyes of their haunted look,' I should try it."
Sano started laughing to himself. "I guess Kenshin is smarter than me, he knew what was buggin' me the whole fuckin' time. You know what he said that was the most helpful though? He suggested I might wanna try and find your wife."
Sano slammed the floor again. He had stopped laughing. "Oh yeah, almost forgot about her, almost completely fuckin' forgot she existed. The illustrious Mrs. Tokio, who must be Buddha for the patience of her heart with a husband havin' a whole damn country as his mistress. Is she really a nice lady? Gee, wish I'd fuckin' got to know her. Of course, you wouldn't wanna expose her to a worthless piece of shit like me, now would you? So maybe you made the right choice."
Sano slapped his forehead in angry mock disbelief. "What am I sayin'? Of course you did it right! How could you do fuckin' wrong? That's the cruelest part of it, you didn't fuck me up; I did it to myself. I pinned all these goddamned hopes on you, so no wonder I got screwed over.
"What was my problem anyway? Thinkin' about you, thinkin' I could get to you. Thinkin' you could respect me, maybe like me. I really was a dreamer.
"Of course, my plans changed when learned about her, your darlin' wife. For some reason, you didn't strike me as the adulterous type. I thought for a bit that maybe I could still try and find you--for a fight--but what fuckin' good would that do? Shit, I was bein' a dumbass in the first place, to wanna look for your sorry ass at all."
The darkness of his room was less comforting now, his imagination roamed and he felt as if he could be anywhere, in any darkened place. He wanted to be back in his first home; in the tiny room shared with his little sister. There had been comfort and familiarity, which was why he'd left in the first place, to carve out a new familiarity, a new family that would comfort, but not constrain. He was still looking.
"They were only dreams, I'd forgot that too. I was bein' naïve and stupid, so I guess I made you right again. Wait, is that how it works? I make you right? If it's me doin' it, then I guess the only fuckin' thing I gotta do to beat you is to beat myself. No wonder I got such a huge headache."
Rubbing his head, Sano went to his little cupboard, given to him by Megumi for a holiday he couldn't remember. He took his last bit of lamp oil, and lit the lamp, casting light and shadows through the room, highlighting his sole possessions of the cupboard, the lamp, and his bed.
"You're a stubborn bastard yourself, though. I don't think I've ever hadda forget about one person so many times in my whole damned life. But hey, practice makes perfect. I'd gotten stung by you again, but it was another lesson learned. The new plan was to make myself so goddamned tired, no dreams could get through." Sano made himself comfortable in front of his lamp, to watch the cheap entertainment of shadow play on the walls.
"That's when I picked up the job with Shimohira-san. He's glad for the help. Even a loony old fart like him, keepin' dogs as kids, knows when the work's too much for one man. It ain't even a bad job. It keeps me in shape, and doin' somethin' worthwhile, like Kenshin. Besides, Shimohira- san doesn't pay half bad for a loony old fart." The wind had picked up and was now whistling tunelessly along the side of the house.
Sano's voice grew even quieter and the flickering light distracted his eyes. "Everyone was so surprised. They all thought I'd been plannin' to leave; I was too antsy to stay in Tokyo. For me to settle down was the last thing they expected, after I'd spent so long drawin' away from them. Megumi was absolutely speechless when I told her I'd got a job." Sano grinned, a mischevious glint in his eyes, as his hands made a shadow fox puppet run across the floor, only to have his own shadow swallow it up.
"Things got better, life got better. Of course it did, I was already at the very bottom. There wasn't no more worse to get. I started drinkin' again, found a few nice women, even thought about a nice man or two, but I didn't wanna bring back memories by accident. It was peaceful. I gotta remember to ask you, have you noticed the peace? Great for guys like Kenshin, but it must be hell for you. I'd hate peace and quiet too, I bet, if I had any." Sano's face darkened.
"I almost did, and it was borin' as hell. In a nice way, I mean. But shit like that don't last 'til you've paid too much for it. I guess I'm still payin', because it sure didn't take too fuckin' long for the rumours to start tricklin' in." Sano pulled at the splintery floorboards, collecting wood fibres. "It was just drunk talk at first, a great new cop was comin' in from Kyoto to clean out our bars and brothels, make everythin' look nice for the rich foreigners. A real high and mighty asshole, supposedly. I knew it was you. So did Kenshin.
"He came to me, wantin' to know what I was gonna do. It'd bothered him that I never did anythin' after askin' about you. Maybe because I just walked out on him after he spilled your secret--I never did explain that. I told him not to worry. He still did, of course, but he didn't bring it up again." Sano held the bits of wood over the flame, watching them. "I just went on like usual, ignorin' the rumours. I got ears of solid rock when I want to. But then Katsu brought home the name "Fujita Gorou," and I couldn't pretend like before. Not after hearin' the first solid proof you were alive. No more delusions. I finally hadda fantasy goin' that worked for me, and you just ripped it away."
The wood danced and burned in his fingers. "Damn!" Sano dropped the wood into the lamp and sucked on the scorched skin. He tore off some of his bandages to use them on his hand. "It was almost as bad as before. I kept livin' every day just waitin' for you to show up and throw everythin' into shit for real. Every day you didn't come was another day I spent imaginin' the worst. That you'd show up and I'd go crazy and throw myself at you. Or I'd pick a fight, you'd kill me, and Kenshin would go berserk. Maybe you would just go right after Kenshin, or jail all my buddies like the fuckin' super-cop you think you are. Maybe you'd even bring her, the missus, just so I'd get to see my dumbest mistake tucked around your damned arm." Sano's fists were clenched, and his eyes burned brighter than the lamp.
"And when you finally did waltz into town, goddamned smirk and all, it was even worse than I'd imagined.
"I remember that day so fuckin' well. Shimohira-san got sick and didn't need me, so I just screwed around 'til my money ran out. I was just passin' time when you showed up. You were finally back, in the fuckin' flesh, and I wished you'd drop dead on the spot. But you didn't, that'd be too easy, after all. What you had to be was friendly." Sano smirked. "Well, maybe not friendly, but you sure as fuck wouldn't leave me alone. I wanted you to piss off and you kept askin' questions. And by the end of it, I was almost dreamin' again, thinkin' maybe you respected me more because I'd grown up."
Sano gritted his teeth and scowled, an unconscious impersonation of an angry Saitou. "And you know what? I was fuckin' right for once! You did respect me a bit more, and it fuckin' interested you. That's always been your goddamned way. You only care about what interests you or what's useful to you. I wasn't ever gonna be useful, but I guess I turned out to be very fuckin' interestin'!"
He smacked the lamp to the side, and a small portion of the floor caught fire. "Fuck!" He threw his jacket over the flames to smother them, cursing his misfortune; then continued speaking harshly under his breath as he kneeled next to the scorched wood. "I tried and I tried, and I did all I fuckin' could to ignore you. I forgot you, I hated you, I thought about gettin' Kenshin to kill you one time, as dumb as that idea was. But nothin' changes the fact that every time I see you, every time we meet in the street or go out to bars, every time that we argue or joke around, every moment that you treat me like a goddamned human being for some fucked- up reason that I don't understand, all I can think of is how nice those dreams were, and how untouchable you are."
Completely in the dark again, Sano's shoulders heaved with his unloosed emotions. "What happened to you? Why did we become friends? You're still an arrogant and self-satisfied bastard, you'll never change, but now I've seen an almost carin' side to you. You've always thought I needed improvin', but you never bothered to be interested before, so why am I good enough for you now? And even though we're practically friends, you won't tell me why you came to Tokyo, why you gave up smokin', or what makes you so sad when you've spent too long thinkin' to yourself. I don't understand you.
"I ask you about this stuff all the time, but you won't say anythin', and it makes me want to hurt you or help you or somethin'. Why, goddammit? Why do I have to like you, when everythin' would be so much easier if I could hate you."
Sano's eyes, adjusted to the dark, looked around his small, empty house. "Fuck it. I'm too tired for this, too tired to act like a crazy person talkin' to someone who ain't even here." He left his jacket lying on the floor, and went to curl up on his bed mat. The new blanket was nice and thick, a gift from Saitou, but he still had to rub his arms to get rid of goose bumps brought on by the cold. He closed his eyes and told himself to sleep, but his mind wasn't quite ready for slumber yet.
He thought about his day, which had been worse than most. By the end of it, he'd been so upset he'd gone home right away, not even stopping off at the police station. It'd been Shimohira's fault; he'd spent the whole day talking about his daughter, who had long ago married and moved away to Osaka.
The old man had babbled on about how happy his darling Eriko had been when she'd first met the man she wanted to marry. She'd come home bursting with the news that her soul mate had appeared to her, and three months later, she'd started living happily as Takeshi Eriko.
Shimohira had stressed, in his roundabout way, his delight that his daughter had found her destined love. He'd hinted about Sano's own love life, saying, "All got someone, even if we don't know it, wouldn't you say?" and had stirred too many regretful feelings with his meddling comments.
Sano would have been only mildly irritated if only his employer hadn't gone on to talk about Tokio, his newest granddaughter. The name, which Sanosuke had sought to obliterate from his mind, always caused his heart to sting, and he spent the remainder of the day trying to get over the upsetting remark. He'd marveled at the new fragility of his world, how the easiest thing could unleash tumultuous emotions and ruin his whole mindset. The newly discovered weakness only served to anger him more. By the time he'd reached his apartment, he'd been exploding with fury. Even when he'd quieted somewhat, the apparent calm had been underlain with violence.
Sano felt sheepish now, for ruining his lamp and floor, and acting insane again. He didn't want his friends to worry, and he certainly didn't want Saitou finding out about his weakness--he'd never hear the end of it.
Although some of his anger had been irrational, he wasn't entirely unjustified. Saitou's invasive memory and Sanosuke's own desires had created a complex situation. Learning about Tokio had hurt him deeply--he hadn't been expecting her at all--and he'd been completely unprepared for the intensity with which it affected him. Although ignoring the problem had worked for a while, Saitou's re-entrance had irrevocably complicated things, and Sano had spent a great deal of time since trying to understand his hatred, admiration, obsession, and even love for the man.
He knew the hatred originally stemmed from Saitou's arrogant and insulting manner. Sano had hated that the man had deemed his best efforts useless and then wouldn't let him improve. The confinement had enraged him, but it had also fueled his admiration. Saitou's strength and ability to put up a good fight had made Sanosuke want to be at his level even more. But because both his hate and admiration had been unrequited and unfulfilling, they'd driven Sano to obsess over the man until he'd finally been able to remove his need for Saitou's approval, a process made easier by Saitou disappearance. Unfortunately, a new element had brought back his hatred, admiration, and obsession, inflaming them far beyond their previous level.
It was his love, also unrequited, forcing Sano into his vicious circle; the other three emotions weren't powerful enough to enslave him in the same way. Hatred was a strong, but negative emotion; it wasn't in his nature to dwell on the negative. Admiration was positive, but it wasn't enough of a passionate or rare emotion to keep him prisoner. He had many people to admire besides Saitou. Without the hate and admiration, the obsession couldn't exist. It was love, ironically, that played cruel tricks on his psyche.
Of all the things confusing him now, his uncertainty of the source of his love was the most confounding. He wondered if its cause might be his hate, admiration, obsession, or a combination of all three, but it seemed unlikely; he'd banished those original feelings long before the love had brought them back.
Another possibility was that physical attraction was the basis for the love. As he'd examined the new dimensions of his sexuality, he'd found he didn't care too much about gender after all; it was contentment with women that had stopped him from exploring. Now his eyes had opened more, but not much had changed as a result anyway.
Saitou did fit in with his taste in men, he'd discovered. Sano had learned he was most attracted to men like himself, which was similar to his taste in women. He wanted a partner who was strong and capable, not childish or excessively feminine. He didn't want someone he'd be tied down to as a protector, but a companion to stand by his side to fight, which was why people like Megumi or Saitou appealed to him. Of course, if someone was close enough to him to feel like family, like Kenshin, Kaoru, or even Katsu, he abhorred the possibility of attraction. Also, too much body hair was a major turn-off.
But mere sexual attraction didn't explain his infatuation either, because Sanosuke simply didn't care about sex enough to let it take over his life. He wasn't wanting for sexual partners, although his love life had yet to improve after the end of the dreams. His current abstinence was a personal choice stemming from being too stressed to even want to get it up. Eleven and a half months of wet dreams and eighteen months of mental turmoil could do that to someone. Even the few exceptions he'd made in the peaceful interims the last few months of his life were more for comfort's sake than lust.
However, getting rid of the causes of emotional imbalance and sexual need left Sanosuke with nothing but fewer possible solutions and a headache. He tried to refocus his attention on the old dreams instead of wasting time on half-articulated psychology.
It was strange that what he recalled of the dream was not the actual sensation, but the accompanying sensations it caused in the waking reality. He remembered remembering a wonderful feeling, but the only actual emotions he could physically remember were the loss and emptiness from waking up.
He did also remember the feeling of freedom, of elation when he'd finally cleared the mist from around him. His hatred of not understanding situations going on around him--the reason the dreams had made him so angry- -had meant that once the mystery had been solved, he was content. Even the mysteries and problems the solution had created seemed trivial because there had been hope that if one answer had been found, others could be. It was the crushing of that hope in the form of an unknown woman, a faceless obstruction, which had been devastating to his heart. Not even having all the bones in your hand crushed to splinters hurts worse than having your hope destroyed.
It wasn't until his heart had been broken that it occurred to Sano he'd been in love.
Fingering the material of his pillow, Sanosuke realized he possibly hadn't even fallen so until after he'd remembered the dreams. Perhaps the dreams were completely random, but the strong feeling from them was so intoxicating he had fallen in love with the sensation and the person associated with it. The idea made him uncomfortable, as it made the whole thing seem a bit cheap, but he reminded himself it was only speculation. Truthfully, the reason behind his love didn't matter all that much, as long as he understood this particular love was futile and painful, and he should get rid of it. Again.
That was his legitimate reason for being angry with Saitou. Even learning his love was a useless endeavor hadn't totally thwarted Sano. Without love, life had gone on; there was still happiness, and hope for other things. But the suppression of his feelings only worked as long as he was convinced his love was completely impossible. Having Saitou alive and near him, having him as a friend even, was a sliver of agonizing hope impossible to ignore. It reminded Sano too much of what had gone wrong for him to remember what was right.
Their friendship was an odd one, more of an amiable enmity with occasional glimpses of true care, like Saitou's impromptu gifts of food or clothing, skillfully presented without an aggravating air of charity. Or Sano's sporadic tips on certain crimes he caught wind of, given discreetly but effectively. The rest of the time, they simply hung out together--if Saitou wasn't busy--arguing and insulting each other. It provided a nice mix of company for both of them, and their 'friendly discussions' were often amusing to them as well as to many eavesdropping parties.
Their usual outing consisted of Sano dropping by the police station after working hours to badger Saitou about being a tool of the government and an out-dated relic, while Saitou berated him for being a useless waste of skin and an immature thug. They would continue like that, as Sano dragged Saitou out to bars and Saitou eventually dragged Sano home.
To Sano's dismay, Saitou never allowed their arguments to go beyond the verbal stage; it would be unseemly for an officer of the law to be involves in public violence for no good reason. However, their evenings together were always interesting no matter what subject they chose, be it government ideals or which drunk in the bar would most likely end up passed out in a ditch before the sun rose.
In addition to the no fighting rule, Saitou also forbade Sano to call him derogatory names, and Sanosuke forced the same promise out of Saitou. It was a rule they sometimes broke, but it mattered more that they had made it in the first place. They'd both agreed to keep a certain level of civility no matter how drunk Sano was, or how irritated Saitou was. Bystanders and bar patrons never tired of hearing two grown men speak to each other with forced restraint when it was obvious they wanted nothing more than to beat each other over the head, which they also sometimes did.
Once they became unable to continue without spilling blood, and they would switch topics. Despite the lack of stress-relieving fistfights, Sano actually enjoyed forcing Saitou to treat him with respect, and even practicing how to control his own temper. It was a skill he was realizing he desperately needed as his violent impulses became more frequent in his emotional state and more unwieldy given the changes in society. He also liked to think he was teaching Saitou as much about his way of life as he was learning about Saitou's.
Sometimes the two men would go out walking alone, and would end up having more serious conversations, again on all sorts of topics, like philosophy or politics. Sano was genuinely interested in Saitou's unique perspective on issues, but Saitou as well seemed to have a certain respect for Sano's opinions, which had baffled him at first. When Sanosuke had first inquired into Saitou's new attitude, the man had first been patronizing, spouting something about the "ignorant wisdom of children." When he'd pressed the matter, Saitou had simply told him it was a good idea to be aware of opinions from every level of society, and that he shouldn't get a swelled head about it.
The comment had originally irked Sano, but after some thought, he'd realized Saitou was only stating the truth, not trying to be cruel. Also, Sano had realized it was still a compliment to him that Saitou had chosen him to be his liaison into the lower classes, and not someone else with better manners. Besides, if all Saitou was after was information, he wouldn't have spent as much time with Sano as he did, which meant part of their friendship was still about companionship.
Companionship was Sanosuke's best guess as to why Saitou put up with him. With all his old friends and enemies either dead or avoiding death, Saitou's life must have become lonely. Even in his work, differences in status or personal beliefs would separate him from his colleagues. A man can be a loner all he wants, he still needs at least one other person to talk to. Sano was certain that was the motivation behind Saitou's actions, but he still didn't understand why he had been chosen as worthy. Part of him wondered why Saitou wouldn't seek that companionship with his wife, who hadn't come to Tokyo with him after all, for unfathomable reasons.
Sano would have asked about the enigmatic Saitou Tokio, except he avoided thinking about her at all cost, and because he had learned early on that the easiest way to get silence out of Saitou was to mention anything to do with his recent past, including his smoking habit, Kyoto, and, most likely, his wife. His occasional depressions were also not up for discussion, no matter how much Sano tried to address the topic.
Saitou's melancholy was an irritating point for Sano. It seemed impossible for someone with Saitou's spirit, but every so often when Sano called on him in his office, he would be staring into space, completely blank. He never responded to Sano's inquiries about it, pretending he hadn't even heard the words. Saitou only did that with these few things, Sanosuke found, but he still didn't know why.
However, Saitou never acted like that when he was with Sano, only when Sano found him in the state, which wasn't frequently either. But it was always disturbing when Saitou was in his detached frame of mind, as Sano had come to think of it. The man was many things--arrogant, superior, passionate, and ruthless sprang immediately to mind--but detachment and total apathy were severely out of character.
The infrequency was mildly comforting to Sano; he thought they might be lessening in impact. Aside from that, it was one of the other reasons Sanosuke had for spending time with Saitou, besides the interest and breaking up the monotony of his other company. Part of him felt sympathy for Saitou, knowing what it was like to have an unhappy past you'd rather forget about, and was glad Saitou was never unhappy in his company. Irritated and pissed off, sometimes, but not unhappy.
He knew there was some pride in his motivations as well, but he figured he deserved it, since his pride had been taking a beating lately. There were other reasons Sanosuke refused to stop seeing Saitou as well, even when skipping town appeared to be the simplest solution to his head and heartache.
Sano liked the talking, liked the company, and liked the variation from his normal friends. He was also still very curious about Saitou's actions, and was counting on figuring the whole thing out eventually. Sano was looking to turn his life in a different direction; he knew you couldn't stick to the past if the future was changing, and Saitou was very good at motivating him to do that.
His attraction to Saitou, though horrible most of the time, was most bearable when he was actually with the man, because Saitou always did a great job of distracting him from his troubles, even if he was causing most of them in the first place. And sometimes, if Sano got drunk enough, it was almost like Tokio and certain interfering emotions didn't even exist, and he could pretend he was having a platonic evening out with a friend.
Suddenly, Sano realized his most important reason for staying in town was that he hated to give up. Nothing bothered him more than losing and running away like a whipped mongrel. He might run in circles sometimes, but he always came back.
Sure, some days might be bad and the emotional and mental frailty was humiliating at best, but what would life be without some challenges? One of the things Sano liked best about Saitou, was that life was never boring when he was around. Peace and quiet were over-rated.
However, certain things were still precarious for Sanosuke. His friendship with Saitou wasn't really the problem, as strange as it was, and he didn't really feel the need to question it too deeply. But there were two things he could do without: his love, and Saitou's wife. Harming his friend's spouse was out of the question, as well as trying to seduce Saitou away from her, which would obviously be embarrassing and disastrous.
As for his love--or his lust, or his immature crush, or whatever it was called--Sano didn't know what it was, what caused it, or how to get rid of it now that it had grown so strong. He felt it to different degrees whenever he looked at Saitou, almost whenever he thought of him. He feared it coming out in a drunken or angry confession, and despised having to hold his emotions in and let them eat away at his mind. When Sano tried to grasp his love's purpose or origin, his mind spiraled off into philosophical abstracts incomprehensible to his conscious mind. It made him hate and fear an innocent woman he'd never met, and that made him hate and fear himself. Even thinking about thinking about it upset him.
He sometimes lived petrified of breaking down like a woman, blubbering and sobbing one moment, and hurling tables the next. Weeks would go by without the feeling being more than an annoying fly, buzzing at his ears, then a lantern would cast its light on Saitou's face in the perfect way, or the man would pay him a rough and vaguely insulting compliment, and his heart would swell up for a few moments, then burst.
A few times, Sano had been forced to run out on Saitou, likely leaving the other man confused or annoyed. Sano wondered if Saitou felt the same way about his random acts of lunacy as Sano felt about Saitou's episodes. He never mentioned it, however, which was another reason Sanosuke was grateful for his presence. Kenshin and Katsu wouldn't have let him get away with that much strangeness, especially considering his earlier behavior. Saitou was always discreet, and somehow had engineered a tacit agreement between them about which subjects were not to be touched and which buttons were not to be pressed, whether it was for the sake of Saitou, or for Sano.
As Sanosuke finally drifted beyond the realm of lucid thought, it grated on him that the one person who seemed to understand him was a secretive asshole, government flunky, and the source of all his woe. He desperately hoped that when all the secrets finally came out, no innocents would be caught in the storm, and there would still be some pieces of their friendship to pick up afterwards.
*~*~*
