Part Three: Pipe Dreams
Chapter Five
February 1880 - 12th year of the Meiji Era (one month later)
"Hey! Wait for me!" Sano ran to catch up with his friend. "You hurryin' to meet death, old man? Why didn't you wait?"
Saitou smirked. "I waited as long as I usually wait. It isn't my fault you detained every pretty thing in a pink-flowered kimono on your way to the station."
"What? That ain't why I was late! And when was the last time I let myself get distracted like that by one woman, much less all of them? What kinda pervert do you take me for?" Sano fumed as Saitou continued to look pleased with himself.
"So you admit you were late. And if I recall correctly, you were once convinced that the late Komagata Yumi was designed to be an insidious carnal distraction, although only you would think of sex at such a crucial moment in history. I also did not say you were drooling over every woman, only the pretty ones. But it appears that you consider old women and young girls to be in that category as well, in which case I find you to be the worst kind of pervert." Saitou continued to walk at a leisurely pace, hands in his pockets, while Sanosuke stopped to bang his head against a tree in mock frustration.
After fixing his hair and shaking off the dizziness, he caught up with Saitou again, and slung his arm around the other man's shoulders. "You know, you wouldn't have any fun without me."
Saitou responded with a snort. "Obviously, because the perfect way to have a good time is to interrupt my important work to wander the dregs of the city with a rude, impulsive, scruffy punk, while he drinks himself to a higher state of idiocy--if that is at all possible--loses all of his money-- and some of mine occasionally--and then vomits on my shoes--possibly intentionally. In fact, I think I might quit my job, throw away my sword, and spend the rest of my life drinking myself into oblivion, gambling myself into poverty, and throwing myself at everything with breasts."
Sano was laughing so hard at Saitou's tirade he almost collapsed. Then Saitou shrugged off the younger man's arm, and he did fall to the ground, still shaking uncontrollably. When Sano finally calmed down, he continued to lie on the ground, rubbing his cramped stomach. "I ain't that bad, Hajime. And we already went over this; I don't jump every chick I see, though you seem pretty convinced I'm the horniest man alive. What, are you projectin' your own bad habits onto me?"
Another snort. "I was merely taking into account your preference for extremism in the base pleasures of life."
"You always sound like an asshole when you talk like that."
"So?"
"Asshole." Sano waved off Saitou's helping hand, lifting himself off the ground easily, dusting off his rear while Saitou moved on ahead. "Still in a hurry?"
Saitou slowed down a little for Sanosuke to catch up, and Sano used the opportunity to get in front of the man, walking backwards to hold a conversation. "C'mon, you got somewhere to be?"
Saitou flicked him on the forehead--lightly. "It's going to rain soon. I'd rather not be outside when it does."
A branch brushed against Sano's head, leaving a twig in his hair. He removed it, brushed it off on his pants, and stuck it in his mouth. "Makes sense. A soggy cop just wouldn't do, right?" He grinned at his witty provocation.
"It's cold out as well. Getting sick would be inconvenient." Saitou grabbed the stick out of Sano's mouth, looked at it with disgust, then threw it to the side of the road. "Putting dirty things in your mouth could get you sick as well, idiot. Should I set your doctor friend on you?"
"Hey, there ain't nothin' wrong with a little stick. It's natural and stuff, so how could that get me sick? Besides, I got a strong constitution, Megumi said so herself."
Snort number three. "She has also diagnosed you as having a thick skull. You don't need to keep up that old habit; you have plenty of money for food."
"Yeah, yeah." Sano always felt a bit offended that the man didn't trust him to take care of himself, but he knew the real reason was that Saitou still thought Sano had this great potential; he didn't want it to get screwed up because Sano caught a cold or didn't eat enough. It was sweet, in a painful way.
Sanosuke turned around to walk beside Saitou and scuffed his feet along the dirt, hoping for a subject change before Saitou brought up something he really didn't want to talk about right now.
"Have you thought about what I proposed to you?"
Damn.
"Yeah, I guess. I don't think I will, though. I mean, thanks for the offer and all, but I'm not really cut out for that shit. Been on the wrong side for too long, you know? And I really don't wanna leave Japan right now." He kept his eyes away from Saitou's calculating gaze.
Two weeks ago, in the interest of Sano's dubious well-being, Saitou had informed him of an opportunity. As a show of good faith to the Westerners, the government wanted to send out some of Japan's enterprising young men into the civilized world to learn and be educated in the ways of the West, so that they could bring all the glorious new ideas, inventions, social values, and trade interests back home.
Sano thought it was a load of shit, and he figured Saitou probably thought so too, but the man had gotten it into his head that Sanosuke needed more opportunities, which the West was apparently bursting with. Sano preferred to leave the guns and trains and cameras to the foreigners, but he didn't know how to convince Saitou of this. Most importantly, he didn't want Saitou to be even more remote and unattainable than he already was. This man, who made him so very miserable and wanted him to go so far away, was the only one who made Sano happy anymore.
Saitou's tone was harsh--nothing new. "Idiot. What do you think you're going to do with your life? Pull wagons, drink, and fight with me? Get a real job and a real future. You were right when you said fighting is the way of the past; money and careers are where the world is headed, and those lie in America."
Sanosuke stopped walking and turn aside, disgust rising in his throat. Saitou stopped as well and faced him. "Don't delude yourself, Sanosuke. You have made a start, but this life is going nowhere for you."
Sano couldn't restrain himself. "You are a fuckin' tool! Did it ever fuckin' occur to you that I don't give a shit about money and livin' the big life? I thought you were supposed to be all righteous and honourable, but you're a beggin' dog just like the rest of them, throwin' away your country for some flashy new toys."
Saitou slapped him, and Sano staggered back a step as the other man stepped forward. "You stupid fool. That's how you win against the men rising to the top today. Play their corrupt little games, then change the rules and crush them. We will take what we can from the West, then turn it back on them. Don't ever accuse me of things you don't remotely understand."
Saitou's eyes were practically ripping him apart. Sano had never seen his cop so passionate before--it was a huge turn-on. "Sorry, sorry. I wasn't thinkin'. I know you're not a sellout." He forced a cough. "Shit, you know how to freak a guy out! I've never seen you so worked up before." Sano tried to smile.
Saitou was not dissuaded. He walked right up to Sano and put his hand on the young man's shoulder. "Sanosuke, Tokyo has nothing to offer you. Your future is full of potential, but you will find none of it in a tavern in the middle of the night. Stay here, doing what you are doing, and one day your whole sorry existence will end in a useless drunken brawl." He paused, and took a short breath. "I would regret that."
Sanosuke was astounded. That Saitou would drop their mutual shield of amicable animosity, give up his perch of aloof benevolence, and show unconcealed concern for him, it was too much. The hand on his shoulder alone was too much. He socked Saitou in the jaw.
Knowing he couldn't hurt the man and wishing he had, Sanosuke started to move away quickly, trying to leave the mess behind. Saitou caught up with him easily, grabbing his shoulder--again--and spinning him around. "What the hell is your problem? You immature brat, I am trying to help you!"
Sano pushed himself away from Saitou, refusing to look him in the eye. "Well fuck you, 'cause I don't want your help. Why can't you just leave me the fuck alone, you bastard. You don't even know what you're doin' to-- Shit."
There was a fallen tree at the side of the road. Sanosuke sat down on it and buried his head in his hands as he tried to think. He had done it-- reached the point where Saitou had gotten so close that the remaining impossible distance was acid on his heart. He was sitting next to a man whom he respected, admired, and--for some godforsaken reason--loved, but there would never be anything more between them than what had been achieved tonight. It burned.
He saw two shoes walk in front if him and stop. He looked up through his intertwined fingers at Saitou's face. The man was pissed, glaring at him from a stone wall of anger. Sano knew Saitou had been going out on a limb by being nice to him, and that the man resented having his efforts thrown back in his face. Sanosuke wondered if it might be his chance out of this pain. He knew exactly how to rectify his ungrateful behavior, but if he let Saitou stay mad at him he wouldn't have to deal with the man's painful presence any longer. He prepared himself to insult Saitou one last time, at which the man would walk off silently and never look back.
He raised his head and met Saitou's eyes. "I-- I'm sorry."
He couldn't do it, couldn't give up the little bit of his dream he'd managed to gain, even if it stung and bit him. By apologizing--a mature effort--Saitou would forgive him, and they would be back to normal. If Sano were lucky, Saitou would give up his mission for Sano's future, and things would stay normal.
Saitou's face lost its razor-edge, and he walked over to sit next to Sanosuke. "Thank you." More pausing and the subtle digesting of pride on both parts.
Saitou rubbed his jaw absently and smirked. "I thought you said you were out of practice."
Sano laughed. "Well, it ain't my fault if you're gettin' brittle in your old age. I was expectin' you to dodge it anyway."
"The attack wasn't exactly anticipated. What made you so angry?"
"I don't wanna talk about it."
"Obviously. Talk about it anyway."
"Look, it doesn't matter. It's private, you know. There's stuff I don't feel like tellin' you, just like there's stuff you don't feel like tellin' me." Sanosuke played his trump, relieved that he had skillfully turned the conversation around.
"Fine."
"Great! C'mon, let's go. I'm starvin' and the rain just started. Hey, you were right. I'll bet it was just luck." He stood up and waited for Saitou to do the same.
Saitou did stand, but he put a firm hand on Sano's arm, blocking his movement. "Perhaps we have let these things be concealed for too long. I did not see a purpose in bringing them up before, but now I feel I cannot ignore your behavior if I am to invest so much time--my own choice, I admit- -in you. I cannot ask you to reveal yourself to me without doing the same in return, so if you will help me to understand you, I will do the same."
Sano couldn't believe that now, of all times, Saitou Hajime had decided to be perfectly candid about their pasts. The temptation of learning his friend's dark secrets was huge, but-- "No way. Trust me, this ain't somethin' you wanna know."
"Let me decide that."
The cold, calm voice was getting on Sanosuke's nerves. "Fine then! Fuck it, if you wanna know so bad, I'll fuckin' tell you. But you're responsible if everythin' gets fucked up after." Sano hoped the swearing would put Saitou off, make him irritated enough to forget the whole thing. He really wanted to take back his earlier apology.
Saitou said nothing in response, only sat back down and gestured for Sanosuke to do the same. Sano obeyed, but instead of breaking down into his confession, he folded his arms over his chest and stared off to the side.
"Sanosuke."
"Yeah, what?"
"You said you would tell me."
"I fuckin' will already! Just gimme a bit."
"Give me your word."
Sano faced him again, but Saitou's eyes were too penetrating to look at, so he looked at the man's chest instead. "Yeah, sure. Fine, I promise. This isn't worth it though."
"We'll see." Saitou looked like he would give anything for a cigarette.
Sano reminded himself that he was doing this because Saitou had asked, and had promised to tell him everything as well. "How much do you know already?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, have you talked to Kenshin about me, or somethin'? About how I went crazy a while back?"
"I want to hear it in your own words."
Sano supposed that meant yes, but it didn't matter because Kenshin didn't know the full story anyway. "Fine. Well, back after the Shishio thing, around the middle of June, I started havin' these dreams."
"Dreams? What kind?"
"Shut up, I'm gettin' to that. They were-- Well, they were that kind. You know."
A small snicker. "This hardly seems serious."
"Dammit, Hajime, it is. Now shut the fuck up if you want me to keep goin'."
"Of course, I apologize."
Sanosuke did want to stop there, but he knew Saitou wouldn't let him, and he was even beginning to get attached to the idea of finally letting his feelings out. Once he started the process, he couldn't stop. "Anyway, they were like that, but-- I didn't really remember what they were about. I'd wake up and be all, you know, but when I tried to figure out why, there was nothin'. It wasn't too bad at first, just weird, but then it wouldn't stop."
He took a breath. "It basically happened every night for about twelve months. 'Til last June."
Saitou looked a bit shocked and no longer amused.
"The reason they stopped was because, well-- See, I'd been havin' a really shitty day. Every day was shitty, actually. The dreams were totally fuckin' up everything, which is why Kenshin and everybody thought I was crazy. I couldn't get any sleep or nothin', 'cause I kept gettin' woken up by the dream.
"I spent all my time tryin' to nap but none of it was any good. I didn't see anybody but Katsu, because everyone else was too nosy. So I didn't hang out with any of my friends and they all thought that I was actin' really weird. Which I was, you know. And then this one day, I was just thinkin' all sorts of crazy shit, real outta control stuff. I was totally psycho, a real freak."
Saitou nodded. "You were suffering from sleep deprivation."
Sano nodded as well. "Yeah, just like that. But that all went away after the dreams stopped, and nobody's worried about me anymore. Hell, I even got a job now, remember? I'm fine now. So there, that's what you wanted to know: I didn't sleep properly for a bit, and it made me nuts, but it's all over now."
"Sanosuke, you haven't told me why the dreams went away."
Sano was confused for a moment, until he realized that in his rambling and sidestepping, he had forgotten the point of what he'd been talking about. "Whoops, sorry about that. They stopped because on that day I was really, really crazy, I kinda went for a run. Because I was crazy, I felt like runnin', so I did, and then I wore myself out so much, I remembered what I'd been dreamin' about, and they went away. I'm normal again, so don't worry or nothin'."
Saitou did not look satisfied. "What exactly were the dreams about? Sano, stop avoiding the important information."
Sano felt trapped. "Shit, they weren't about nothin'! Nothin' important, all right? I just remembered them, then forgot about them. It was just a stupid thing my mind was doin' to fuck me up."
Saitou grabbed Sano's chin and forced eye contact. "If they were nothing, why are you so afraid of them? And if the issue is resolved, then why were you so upset earlier? I don't understand why you reacted so badly when I tried to help you. And you still need help."
Sanosuke tried to wallop Saitou across the face again, but this time his punch was deflected. "Fuck you. Why do you care?"
Releasing Sano's chin, Saitou moved his hand back to the young man's shoulder--an aggravatingly paternal gesture, and sighed. "I will tell you, after you fulfill your side of the bargain."
Saitou's words caused all the wind and anger to go out of Sanosuke, leaving loneliness and defeat. He let his body slump down, giving up his resistance. At this point, things were so bad that there was no way they could get worse. He decided to give Saitou what the man wanted. "I wasn't lyin' when I said the dreams didn't matter. I thought they did for a bit, but then I found out different."
He stopped for a moment, trying to think of how to word the next part, so Saitou broke in. "If they are inconsequential, then they have nothing to do with you current unhappiness?"
"I'm not--"
"Don't lie; it's painfully clear."
Saitou was right; Sano knew it was obvious that he wasn't happy. "They are kinda connected. Realizin' they were stupid was pretty harsh, but I got over that part. I guess they ended up settin' me up for somethin' worse.
"It's really not as important as you're thinkin' it is, Hajime. It's just this dumb little thing I've got stuck in my head. I'm working on gettin' over it; I shouldn't'a taken it out on you." He tried to convey his apology through his eyes as well as with his words, but Saitou was so focused it was like staring at a solid rock mountain.
The relentless question. "Sanosuke, who did you dream about that you are so ashamed of? Don't deny it, I can see it in your face as you talk. Was it Takani, or Himura's woman? Himura himself?" Saitou was attempting to infuse the situation with the small comfort of humour--a trick he'd learned from Sano.
It didn't work; Sanosuke was beyond finding the situation amusing. "Shit, no. None of them. Goddamnit, Saitou!" He wanted to curl up on the grass with his anger, grief, and--yes--shame and just the let the rain, which was picking up now, drown him. "Fuckin' hell, it was you."
Saitou stiffened. Physically, and emotionally as well, Sano could tell. "That one day when I went runnin', I was just sittin' in the middle of the woods after, half-dead, and I remembered dreaming about you. They were really nice and beautiful too. Can't recall all the details or nothin', but I remember how nice they felt. And not even just, you know, but all over nice.
"I got really caught up in it too, I think 'cause I was still, what did you say, sleep deprived. Still crazy. But then I realized the stuff in those dreams was outta the question. I realized hard too; it really hit me." Sano slapped his hands together. "But I told you, none of that stuff matters anymore. It was just this stupid idea I got out of my head a while ago. Well, mostly out. Kinda flared up again when you came back, but I swear I'm gettin' rid of it. Sometimes you just make it a little hard, like tonight. But that's my own stupid fault, so don't worry about it."
Saitou, who had shifted away from Sano during his babbled explanation, was the picture of contemplation. The silence was full of breathing, raindrops, and nervous fidgeting.
Finally: "In the middle of the woods?"
Sanosuke chuckled and rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah, that was where I ended up runnin' to. Guess I didn't wanna be around people. I met Shimohira-san when I was walkin' back."
"How fortuitous."
"Haji-- Saitou, if you wanna go, just go already."
"You were upset because you thought I was dead?"
"No. I hadn't been thinkin' about that before, but once I did, I wasn't sure if you were actually dead. I think I kinda tried to convince myself you weren't. Guess I was right after all." He grabbed the ends of his headband and began fiddling with them.
Saitou reached over and stilled his anxious motions. "Tell me if this is correct: You spent twelve months having dreams that you could not remember, and suffered severe sleep deprivation. At the end of those twelve months, you found a way to recover the dreams and discovered they were about-- about me. You concluded I was alive, or tried to conclude, and then what?"
Sano snatched his hands back. "And then I stopped being a stupid asshole and got over it."
"Except for the recent relapse at my return."
"Yeah. Fuck, you can be so goddamned clinical--"
"Shut up and stay on topic. And talk like an adult." Finally a hint of emotion came into Saitou's voice. "What exactly are your feelings towards me at the moment?"
"I already told you that." Sanosuke's own voice burned with emotion.
"No, you did not. Do you love me? Is it lust?" Saitou sounded uncomfortable with the words he was speaking--Sano was overjoyed that he wasn't the only one.
"Love, I think. I don't know."
"Because of a dream."
Sano jumped up. "No! Not because of a fuckin' dream! The dreams were nothin'--I got rid of them so quick. It's just-- just you." All of his previous humiliations were nothing compared to this. "You're strong and-- shit, I don't know, honourable or somethin'. You've got this stupid, pointless, fuckin' beautiful conviction. You don't give a shit about all the stupid stuff everybody else is so hung up on, and, as much as you try and hide it, you aren't a complete asshole. And I'm just a dumb kid with a crush he can't shake."
"You never intended to tell me any of this." Saitou was unreadable; Sano didn't really care.
"Of course I fuckin' didn't! Dammit, what good would it do?
"What do you mean?"
"Oh right!" Sanosuke pitched his voice to an obnoxious falsetto. "Please, Mr. Big Policeman Samurai sir, leave your faithful wife and carry me away for some romantic snuggling and a life of sin! Just take me now!" He gave up the mockery. "Shit, man. I'm an idiot; I'm not stupid."
"My wife?"
"What about her? Didn't think I knew? Hell, Kenshin told me right back when I first figured out the dreams. I was tryin' to get him to help me find you."
Saitou lifted his right eyebrow. "You wanted to find me? Why?"
"I dunno. To see, I guess. What would happen. It doesn't matter, I keep sayin'."
Saitou's hand reached out, towards Sanosuke's arm, but he stopped short and retracted it. Instead, he told Sano, "Sit down. Sanosuke, sit down and look at me."
Still reluctant, Sano complied. "What now?"
"My wife died over a year ago." Solemn and edged.
Sano jumped up again, with a shout, nearly slipping on the wet grass. "The hell?"
Saitou stood up as well, and this time did not hesitate to put a hand on Sano's arm. "It was last January; a lung disease."
Sanosuke placed his own hand on Saitou's shoulder. "Shit, I'm so sorry, Hajime. I feel like an ass now, bringin' all my shit down on you."
Saitou smiled, very slightly, but tenderly. "Thank you, but I have made peace with it."
Still holding Sanosuke's arm, Saitou sat both of them back down again. "You have told me, very honestly, about your secrets. Now it is my turn. Do not interrupt."
Sano nodded quickly. Despite the horribleness of his own confession, he was still genuinely interested and concerned for Saitou. Perhaps even more in light of the last few moments. He thought he had seen all the hidden facets of the man, but a few new ones had just been revealed that he never suspected would exist. He felt closer to Saitou now more than ever, which was ironic considering that he had sparked the entire conversation by throwing a tantrum because he'd thought they had gotten as close as was ever possible.
Saitou spoke plainly and factually. "When Tokio died I felt responsible, and I still do. As she was dying of the disease, wasting away under the labour of her chest, I was reminded of the coughs she would get when I smoked around her. She complained about my cigarettes all the time, but I never heeded her, and neither did the doctor. We were both fools. And though I was away often in the last three years, the damage to her body was done. I quit smoking two months after she died."
"That long? Why not right away?"
Saitou grimaced. "I attempted to, but found I had become addicted to them, so quitting was harder than I had predicted. That unforeseen weakness, coupled with the loss of Tokio, made me-- angry. I was not as compliant to my superiors as I should have been." Another slight smile, but no tenderness this time. "The chief I was reporting to was an insufferable ass, and on more than a few occasions I informed him of such when I let my temper get the better of me. I would not smirk if I were you--you would not have fared any better."
It was funny to Sano, though, that Saitou would have shown the same flaw he always hated in others, specifically Sanosuke.
Saitou flicked him on the forehead again. "As soon as I had finished up my most important cases for him--he didn't assign any new ones--he announced he was transferring me here. By that point, I had regained control of myself, but I honestly didn't care to continue working under him anyway, as long as I remained a part of the secret police. There are few places where men like us can live the old life; the police force is one of them."
Sanosuke smiled. "There's no way they let you kill half the assholes you want to; it's gotta drive you crazy sometimes."
Another snort, finally. "Contrary to popular belief, I do not have an unquenchable blood lust. Besides, these new systems are designed to have loopholes. They're for the corrupt, of course, but I have found that any intelligent man can use them. Those who deserve to die--the ones that take and misuse power--still die."
"Yeah, yeah, we've been over this already. Every night!" Sano stood and stretched his back, vertebrae cracking. "C'mon, it's really late now, and we're both soaked. Next time you think it's gonna rain, take an umbrella already."
"Are we done here?" Saitou looked up at him.
Sano was puzzled. "Ain't we? I mean, we talked everythin' over, cleared the big mysteries, figured out what the hell was wrong with both of us. Now we don't hafta worry about steppin' on each other's toes by mistake. Hell, we even turned out to have the same problem: loneliness. We're a sorry pair, you know?" He smiled.
Saitou stood up, a little stiffly. "Do you plan to do anything about what you confessed?"
Shifting on his feet, Sano ran a hand through his hair, shaking water droplets out of it--he really was wet, but didn't mind it too much and the rain was dying down. "Well, no. I mean. . . I don't know."
"You were only worried because I was married? Not that I would find you disgusting, unattractive, or childish?"
"Well I sure didn't until now! Shit, you know how to set a guy at ease. Just drop it already. I'm not gonna bring it up again, so don't worry."
"You keep saying not to worry." Saitou stepped close to Sano, and placed his left hand on the back of the younger man's neck, making Sano flinch. "I don't think I'm the one who's been worried." He bent slightly forward, and touched his mouth to Sano's.
It wasn't truly a kiss--they were both immobile; testing the waters with uncertainty and apprehension. It was simply a meeting of lips, soft and more delicate that either of them usually bothered with. But it was nice, and it said something.
Sanosuke moved away first. "But I thought--"
"Knowing you, not likely."
Sano grinned and playfully punched Saitou in the stomach. "Watch it, old fart. I can still kick your ass."
"Still?"
Now things were truly back to normal, but Sanosuke couldn't help his curiosity. "Do you-- I mean, are you-- What was-- Damn, this is complicated now!"
"Is it? You are over-thinking things." They both looked a little surprised at that statement, and broke out into a laugh simultaneously. That is, Saitou chuckled and Sano guffawed.
"Oh man, I'm gonna hafta bring that one back to haunt you!"
"Sanosuke." Serious again. "I was not expecting the confession I heard tonight--I never anticipated you would feel the way you do. However, I do not mind. Actually, it is advantageous." Pause. "I promised to tell you why I have been interfering in your life." He looked like he wanted a smoke more than ever. "Tokio filled a special part of my life, and I am grateful for that. When she died it was possible to go on without her, but I regret losing her. You--in these past few months--have filled a certain portion of that void. I was content with your friendship, and thought of you as a younger brother or son, but if you wish more, I am inclined to grant it."
Sanosuke felt like the weight of a single water droplet could tumble him to the ground--astonished was not a strong enough word. "Holy fuck!" He wiped an arm across his forehead and tried to get his wide-open eyes to close a little. "Wait, what the hell-- Are you-- Damn."
Saitou smirked. "Nice to know I am not the only one who's been shocked this evening."
Sano returned the smile. "Heh. Aren't you supposed to be the big aloof asshole who don't need anybody or anythin' but his sword?"
Snort. "A true fool is one who does not recognize that all men have some weaknesses. Shishio was one of those. I am superior because I acknowledge, understand, and control my weaknesses."
"Control your weaknesses?"
Saitou paused. "I do not think of you as a weakness. I was referring to my need for companionship and to my vices. I am not interested in controlling you either."
Sano nodded. "Okay, I get it." He ran a hand through his hair. "So what? You only allow yourself one friend and one bad habit?"
"Something like that." Saitou squeezed Sanosuke's shoulder and began walking down the road in the opposite direction they'd been heading all night.
Sano caught up, and made sure his arm brushed against Saitou's as they walked. "Well if I'm your new friend, I guess we gotta find you a new bad habit too, right?" He practiced his leer. "Where we goin' anyway?"
"My place."
Sano stopped.
"Whoa, wait a minute. I was only jokin' just now, about, about, you know. I mean, I like you, but I've never-- I only just figured it out, is all. And I'm not really wantin' to jump right into-- well, into--"
Saitou stopped as well, smirked, and pinched Sano's lips shut. "Idiot. I'm not going to take advantage of you until you are ready. We are going there to eat. Nothing is open at this hour, and from the sounds of your stomach, I can tell you are still hungry. I have food at my house, but you'll have to be satisfied with soba. Fine now?"
Sano rubbed his lips and grinned sheepishly. "Yeah. Sorry about jumpin' to conclusions and all. But, Hajime?"
"Yes?"
"I'm tryin' not to get too caught up in this. I'm really happy there's a chance to be with you, but there's a ton of ways we could screw this up." Sano pondered that, and came up with examples. "I'm pretty stupid sometimes, and you're an ass most of the time. What's to say we don't start fightin' each other seriously and this whole thing falls apart? I don't wanna pretend there's gonna be a perfect happy endin', but it's depressin' to start somethin' actin' like it's about to end."
"Sanosuke, you have no idea how much you've changed." It seemed now they'd declared their emotions, Saitou felt more inclined to be affectionate. Sanosuke wondered if he could get used to it. "You are correct in judging that we are not perfectly compatible. However, perfect relationships are foolish to wish for and impossible to gain. I am well aware that you are immature at times, but you have shown the potential for more and the ability to use that potential. I have witnessed your drinking and entertaining habits, and they usually remain at an acceptable level. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Sanosuke nodded. "Yeah, I do. Even if you spend too much time workin', I admire that. And when you're hard on me, it's because you know I can do better, not because you wanna beat me down. Right?" Sano knew he was. "But what about stuff besides just personality? I mean, if you get transferred again, do I have to just follow along? Is your life gonna be more important than mine?"
"In a relationship I could not ask you to be anything but an equal. I am not looking for additional burdens; we will work together, or not at all."
"Sounds good to me. C'mon, we can do this walkin'. I'm really starvin' now." They set off again, with Sano still walking closer to Saitou than he would have in the past. "So you're okay with us not havin'--" Cough. "Not havin' sex right away? It's really new to me is all. And have you ever. . . Before?"
Saitou chuckled softly. "You blush so much over a single word; it's completely adverse to your normal character. No, I do not mind if we wait. I do not require a sexual partner as part of my daily regimen. The comfort will be nice in the future, however; I assure you.
"I ask only a few things from you, Sanosuke. Fidelity, responsibility, and for you to be the person you are, regardless of what you think I or other people might want."
Sano had never felt so all-over-and-inside-out warm in his whole life. He was embarrassed, but too pleased to care. "Gotcha. Keep your promise about bein' equal, and I'll be happy too. But what about those other people? I mean, it'd probably be better not to get all lovey-dovey when we're hangin' out with the guys."
The predictable snort. "I'd rather we not act lovey-dovey at all. If I wanted a girly man, I would sleep with Himura."
Sano was reminded of something. "Shit, that's right! What about Kenshin?"
"What do you mean, what about him? He's obviously too short for either of us, and one would be required to pry him away from the manly girl."
Sano slugged him in the shoulder, gently. "Shut up, I don't mean that. I mean what if he finds out? Will he be mad?"
Saitou sighed. "He's your friend, not mine; I have no idea what his reaction would be to this kind of thing. He doesn't seem upset over our current interaction. But if you don't mind, I suggest we keep our deepened relationship private. In public, we can be satisfied with our previous arrangement. Unless there is someone you feel obligated to inform? Do you have any contact with your family?"
"Nope. Dad's better off without me hangin' around, so he doesn't need to know what I've been up to since I left. But what about you? You've probably got family too-- Shit, you don't got kids, do you?"
Saitou lost his amused smile. "No."
"Really? I woulda figured a guy like you would wanna have a couple sons."
"We tried, but three times they died in the womb, a few months before they were due--all boys. It was too dangerous for Tokio's health to continue our attempts."
Sano heard the disappointment in Saitou's voice and knew the man had been looking forward to progeny. "Damn, I'm sorry." He brushed an arm against Saitou's and they walked silently for a while. "Is this what I get to do now? Hear all the stuff you'd never tell anyone else?"
There was a hint of caution in Saitou's eyes. "Yes."
"Cool."
Sano could feel Saitou's tiny smile as the man kissed him softly on his damp forehead. He glanced up and saw that the cloud were starting to clear.
He couldn't believe his good fortune. If he'd managed to make it to a gambling house tonight, he would have cleaned house and made it sparkle. Despite his speech about keeping a level head, his body was floating a million miles away from his mind. Saitou Hajime didn't hate him! Saitou Hajime was willing to love him! Saitou Hajime wouldn't mind fucking him! It was mind-blowing.
The whole night had been all over the place. It had started normal, gotten a little off-track, then a lot off-track, then down right horrible, and finally: absolutely perfect. Sano reminded himself that nothing was perfect--nor should it be, a little Saitou voice chimed in--but whatever this had turned into, it was close.
The most surprising thing about the evening--though the running was close-- was Sanosuke's new insight into Saitou's personality. He realized he should have known there was more to the man than what was instantly apparent, especially for a guy as secretive as Saitou. Sano supposed it was part of his maturing process to learn that no man could be pure evil or cruel for the sake of cruelty. Saitou was harsh on the surface, but he had needs and tenderness and dreams buried within him like everyone else.
Saitou said he had no idea of the leaps he'd made from his innocent and childish beginnings, but he was wrong. Sanosuke was well aware his priorities and judgment had changed, that he'd learned to view life with more clarity and less prejudice. He'd learned not all dreams were good and not all pain was bad.
It was strange, however, the way he and Saitou seemed to fit so well together now, against odds and precedence. It brought up interesting questions.
"Hey, Hajime. Do you think people really change? Or do they just become more of who they were to begin with?"
Saitou looked at him curiously as he slid open the door to his home. "They grow up." He walked inside.
Sano paused outside, taking a second look at the fading stars in the dawn sky.
"Or wake up." Sanosuke followed his friend inside.
*~*~*
Chapter Five
February 1880 - 12th year of the Meiji Era (one month later)
"Hey! Wait for me!" Sano ran to catch up with his friend. "You hurryin' to meet death, old man? Why didn't you wait?"
Saitou smirked. "I waited as long as I usually wait. It isn't my fault you detained every pretty thing in a pink-flowered kimono on your way to the station."
"What? That ain't why I was late! And when was the last time I let myself get distracted like that by one woman, much less all of them? What kinda pervert do you take me for?" Sano fumed as Saitou continued to look pleased with himself.
"So you admit you were late. And if I recall correctly, you were once convinced that the late Komagata Yumi was designed to be an insidious carnal distraction, although only you would think of sex at such a crucial moment in history. I also did not say you were drooling over every woman, only the pretty ones. But it appears that you consider old women and young girls to be in that category as well, in which case I find you to be the worst kind of pervert." Saitou continued to walk at a leisurely pace, hands in his pockets, while Sanosuke stopped to bang his head against a tree in mock frustration.
After fixing his hair and shaking off the dizziness, he caught up with Saitou again, and slung his arm around the other man's shoulders. "You know, you wouldn't have any fun without me."
Saitou responded with a snort. "Obviously, because the perfect way to have a good time is to interrupt my important work to wander the dregs of the city with a rude, impulsive, scruffy punk, while he drinks himself to a higher state of idiocy--if that is at all possible--loses all of his money-- and some of mine occasionally--and then vomits on my shoes--possibly intentionally. In fact, I think I might quit my job, throw away my sword, and spend the rest of my life drinking myself into oblivion, gambling myself into poverty, and throwing myself at everything with breasts."
Sano was laughing so hard at Saitou's tirade he almost collapsed. Then Saitou shrugged off the younger man's arm, and he did fall to the ground, still shaking uncontrollably. When Sano finally calmed down, he continued to lie on the ground, rubbing his cramped stomach. "I ain't that bad, Hajime. And we already went over this; I don't jump every chick I see, though you seem pretty convinced I'm the horniest man alive. What, are you projectin' your own bad habits onto me?"
Another snort. "I was merely taking into account your preference for extremism in the base pleasures of life."
"You always sound like an asshole when you talk like that."
"So?"
"Asshole." Sano waved off Saitou's helping hand, lifting himself off the ground easily, dusting off his rear while Saitou moved on ahead. "Still in a hurry?"
Saitou slowed down a little for Sanosuke to catch up, and Sano used the opportunity to get in front of the man, walking backwards to hold a conversation. "C'mon, you got somewhere to be?"
Saitou flicked him on the forehead--lightly. "It's going to rain soon. I'd rather not be outside when it does."
A branch brushed against Sano's head, leaving a twig in his hair. He removed it, brushed it off on his pants, and stuck it in his mouth. "Makes sense. A soggy cop just wouldn't do, right?" He grinned at his witty provocation.
"It's cold out as well. Getting sick would be inconvenient." Saitou grabbed the stick out of Sano's mouth, looked at it with disgust, then threw it to the side of the road. "Putting dirty things in your mouth could get you sick as well, idiot. Should I set your doctor friend on you?"
"Hey, there ain't nothin' wrong with a little stick. It's natural and stuff, so how could that get me sick? Besides, I got a strong constitution, Megumi said so herself."
Snort number three. "She has also diagnosed you as having a thick skull. You don't need to keep up that old habit; you have plenty of money for food."
"Yeah, yeah." Sano always felt a bit offended that the man didn't trust him to take care of himself, but he knew the real reason was that Saitou still thought Sano had this great potential; he didn't want it to get screwed up because Sano caught a cold or didn't eat enough. It was sweet, in a painful way.
Sanosuke turned around to walk beside Saitou and scuffed his feet along the dirt, hoping for a subject change before Saitou brought up something he really didn't want to talk about right now.
"Have you thought about what I proposed to you?"
Damn.
"Yeah, I guess. I don't think I will, though. I mean, thanks for the offer and all, but I'm not really cut out for that shit. Been on the wrong side for too long, you know? And I really don't wanna leave Japan right now." He kept his eyes away from Saitou's calculating gaze.
Two weeks ago, in the interest of Sano's dubious well-being, Saitou had informed him of an opportunity. As a show of good faith to the Westerners, the government wanted to send out some of Japan's enterprising young men into the civilized world to learn and be educated in the ways of the West, so that they could bring all the glorious new ideas, inventions, social values, and trade interests back home.
Sano thought it was a load of shit, and he figured Saitou probably thought so too, but the man had gotten it into his head that Sanosuke needed more opportunities, which the West was apparently bursting with. Sano preferred to leave the guns and trains and cameras to the foreigners, but he didn't know how to convince Saitou of this. Most importantly, he didn't want Saitou to be even more remote and unattainable than he already was. This man, who made him so very miserable and wanted him to go so far away, was the only one who made Sano happy anymore.
Saitou's tone was harsh--nothing new. "Idiot. What do you think you're going to do with your life? Pull wagons, drink, and fight with me? Get a real job and a real future. You were right when you said fighting is the way of the past; money and careers are where the world is headed, and those lie in America."
Sanosuke stopped walking and turn aside, disgust rising in his throat. Saitou stopped as well and faced him. "Don't delude yourself, Sanosuke. You have made a start, but this life is going nowhere for you."
Sano couldn't restrain himself. "You are a fuckin' tool! Did it ever fuckin' occur to you that I don't give a shit about money and livin' the big life? I thought you were supposed to be all righteous and honourable, but you're a beggin' dog just like the rest of them, throwin' away your country for some flashy new toys."
Saitou slapped him, and Sano staggered back a step as the other man stepped forward. "You stupid fool. That's how you win against the men rising to the top today. Play their corrupt little games, then change the rules and crush them. We will take what we can from the West, then turn it back on them. Don't ever accuse me of things you don't remotely understand."
Saitou's eyes were practically ripping him apart. Sano had never seen his cop so passionate before--it was a huge turn-on. "Sorry, sorry. I wasn't thinkin'. I know you're not a sellout." He forced a cough. "Shit, you know how to freak a guy out! I've never seen you so worked up before." Sano tried to smile.
Saitou was not dissuaded. He walked right up to Sano and put his hand on the young man's shoulder. "Sanosuke, Tokyo has nothing to offer you. Your future is full of potential, but you will find none of it in a tavern in the middle of the night. Stay here, doing what you are doing, and one day your whole sorry existence will end in a useless drunken brawl." He paused, and took a short breath. "I would regret that."
Sanosuke was astounded. That Saitou would drop their mutual shield of amicable animosity, give up his perch of aloof benevolence, and show unconcealed concern for him, it was too much. The hand on his shoulder alone was too much. He socked Saitou in the jaw.
Knowing he couldn't hurt the man and wishing he had, Sanosuke started to move away quickly, trying to leave the mess behind. Saitou caught up with him easily, grabbing his shoulder--again--and spinning him around. "What the hell is your problem? You immature brat, I am trying to help you!"
Sano pushed himself away from Saitou, refusing to look him in the eye. "Well fuck you, 'cause I don't want your help. Why can't you just leave me the fuck alone, you bastard. You don't even know what you're doin' to-- Shit."
There was a fallen tree at the side of the road. Sanosuke sat down on it and buried his head in his hands as he tried to think. He had done it-- reached the point where Saitou had gotten so close that the remaining impossible distance was acid on his heart. He was sitting next to a man whom he respected, admired, and--for some godforsaken reason--loved, but there would never be anything more between them than what had been achieved tonight. It burned.
He saw two shoes walk in front if him and stop. He looked up through his intertwined fingers at Saitou's face. The man was pissed, glaring at him from a stone wall of anger. Sano knew Saitou had been going out on a limb by being nice to him, and that the man resented having his efforts thrown back in his face. Sanosuke wondered if it might be his chance out of this pain. He knew exactly how to rectify his ungrateful behavior, but if he let Saitou stay mad at him he wouldn't have to deal with the man's painful presence any longer. He prepared himself to insult Saitou one last time, at which the man would walk off silently and never look back.
He raised his head and met Saitou's eyes. "I-- I'm sorry."
He couldn't do it, couldn't give up the little bit of his dream he'd managed to gain, even if it stung and bit him. By apologizing--a mature effort--Saitou would forgive him, and they would be back to normal. If Sano were lucky, Saitou would give up his mission for Sano's future, and things would stay normal.
Saitou's face lost its razor-edge, and he walked over to sit next to Sanosuke. "Thank you." More pausing and the subtle digesting of pride on both parts.
Saitou rubbed his jaw absently and smirked. "I thought you said you were out of practice."
Sano laughed. "Well, it ain't my fault if you're gettin' brittle in your old age. I was expectin' you to dodge it anyway."
"The attack wasn't exactly anticipated. What made you so angry?"
"I don't wanna talk about it."
"Obviously. Talk about it anyway."
"Look, it doesn't matter. It's private, you know. There's stuff I don't feel like tellin' you, just like there's stuff you don't feel like tellin' me." Sanosuke played his trump, relieved that he had skillfully turned the conversation around.
"Fine."
"Great! C'mon, let's go. I'm starvin' and the rain just started. Hey, you were right. I'll bet it was just luck." He stood up and waited for Saitou to do the same.
Saitou did stand, but he put a firm hand on Sano's arm, blocking his movement. "Perhaps we have let these things be concealed for too long. I did not see a purpose in bringing them up before, but now I feel I cannot ignore your behavior if I am to invest so much time--my own choice, I admit- -in you. I cannot ask you to reveal yourself to me without doing the same in return, so if you will help me to understand you, I will do the same."
Sano couldn't believe that now, of all times, Saitou Hajime had decided to be perfectly candid about their pasts. The temptation of learning his friend's dark secrets was huge, but-- "No way. Trust me, this ain't somethin' you wanna know."
"Let me decide that."
The cold, calm voice was getting on Sanosuke's nerves. "Fine then! Fuck it, if you wanna know so bad, I'll fuckin' tell you. But you're responsible if everythin' gets fucked up after." Sano hoped the swearing would put Saitou off, make him irritated enough to forget the whole thing. He really wanted to take back his earlier apology.
Saitou said nothing in response, only sat back down and gestured for Sanosuke to do the same. Sano obeyed, but instead of breaking down into his confession, he folded his arms over his chest and stared off to the side.
"Sanosuke."
"Yeah, what?"
"You said you would tell me."
"I fuckin' will already! Just gimme a bit."
"Give me your word."
Sano faced him again, but Saitou's eyes were too penetrating to look at, so he looked at the man's chest instead. "Yeah, sure. Fine, I promise. This isn't worth it though."
"We'll see." Saitou looked like he would give anything for a cigarette.
Sano reminded himself that he was doing this because Saitou had asked, and had promised to tell him everything as well. "How much do you know already?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, have you talked to Kenshin about me, or somethin'? About how I went crazy a while back?"
"I want to hear it in your own words."
Sano supposed that meant yes, but it didn't matter because Kenshin didn't know the full story anyway. "Fine. Well, back after the Shishio thing, around the middle of June, I started havin' these dreams."
"Dreams? What kind?"
"Shut up, I'm gettin' to that. They were-- Well, they were that kind. You know."
A small snicker. "This hardly seems serious."
"Dammit, Hajime, it is. Now shut the fuck up if you want me to keep goin'."
"Of course, I apologize."
Sanosuke did want to stop there, but he knew Saitou wouldn't let him, and he was even beginning to get attached to the idea of finally letting his feelings out. Once he started the process, he couldn't stop. "Anyway, they were like that, but-- I didn't really remember what they were about. I'd wake up and be all, you know, but when I tried to figure out why, there was nothin'. It wasn't too bad at first, just weird, but then it wouldn't stop."
He took a breath. "It basically happened every night for about twelve months. 'Til last June."
Saitou looked a bit shocked and no longer amused.
"The reason they stopped was because, well-- See, I'd been havin' a really shitty day. Every day was shitty, actually. The dreams were totally fuckin' up everything, which is why Kenshin and everybody thought I was crazy. I couldn't get any sleep or nothin', 'cause I kept gettin' woken up by the dream.
"I spent all my time tryin' to nap but none of it was any good. I didn't see anybody but Katsu, because everyone else was too nosy. So I didn't hang out with any of my friends and they all thought that I was actin' really weird. Which I was, you know. And then this one day, I was just thinkin' all sorts of crazy shit, real outta control stuff. I was totally psycho, a real freak."
Saitou nodded. "You were suffering from sleep deprivation."
Sano nodded as well. "Yeah, just like that. But that all went away after the dreams stopped, and nobody's worried about me anymore. Hell, I even got a job now, remember? I'm fine now. So there, that's what you wanted to know: I didn't sleep properly for a bit, and it made me nuts, but it's all over now."
"Sanosuke, you haven't told me why the dreams went away."
Sano was confused for a moment, until he realized that in his rambling and sidestepping, he had forgotten the point of what he'd been talking about. "Whoops, sorry about that. They stopped because on that day I was really, really crazy, I kinda went for a run. Because I was crazy, I felt like runnin', so I did, and then I wore myself out so much, I remembered what I'd been dreamin' about, and they went away. I'm normal again, so don't worry or nothin'."
Saitou did not look satisfied. "What exactly were the dreams about? Sano, stop avoiding the important information."
Sano felt trapped. "Shit, they weren't about nothin'! Nothin' important, all right? I just remembered them, then forgot about them. It was just a stupid thing my mind was doin' to fuck me up."
Saitou grabbed Sano's chin and forced eye contact. "If they were nothing, why are you so afraid of them? And if the issue is resolved, then why were you so upset earlier? I don't understand why you reacted so badly when I tried to help you. And you still need help."
Sanosuke tried to wallop Saitou across the face again, but this time his punch was deflected. "Fuck you. Why do you care?"
Releasing Sano's chin, Saitou moved his hand back to the young man's shoulder--an aggravatingly paternal gesture, and sighed. "I will tell you, after you fulfill your side of the bargain."
Saitou's words caused all the wind and anger to go out of Sanosuke, leaving loneliness and defeat. He let his body slump down, giving up his resistance. At this point, things were so bad that there was no way they could get worse. He decided to give Saitou what the man wanted. "I wasn't lyin' when I said the dreams didn't matter. I thought they did for a bit, but then I found out different."
He stopped for a moment, trying to think of how to word the next part, so Saitou broke in. "If they are inconsequential, then they have nothing to do with you current unhappiness?"
"I'm not--"
"Don't lie; it's painfully clear."
Saitou was right; Sano knew it was obvious that he wasn't happy. "They are kinda connected. Realizin' they were stupid was pretty harsh, but I got over that part. I guess they ended up settin' me up for somethin' worse.
"It's really not as important as you're thinkin' it is, Hajime. It's just this dumb little thing I've got stuck in my head. I'm working on gettin' over it; I shouldn't'a taken it out on you." He tried to convey his apology through his eyes as well as with his words, but Saitou was so focused it was like staring at a solid rock mountain.
The relentless question. "Sanosuke, who did you dream about that you are so ashamed of? Don't deny it, I can see it in your face as you talk. Was it Takani, or Himura's woman? Himura himself?" Saitou was attempting to infuse the situation with the small comfort of humour--a trick he'd learned from Sano.
It didn't work; Sanosuke was beyond finding the situation amusing. "Shit, no. None of them. Goddamnit, Saitou!" He wanted to curl up on the grass with his anger, grief, and--yes--shame and just the let the rain, which was picking up now, drown him. "Fuckin' hell, it was you."
Saitou stiffened. Physically, and emotionally as well, Sano could tell. "That one day when I went runnin', I was just sittin' in the middle of the woods after, half-dead, and I remembered dreaming about you. They were really nice and beautiful too. Can't recall all the details or nothin', but I remember how nice they felt. And not even just, you know, but all over nice.
"I got really caught up in it too, I think 'cause I was still, what did you say, sleep deprived. Still crazy. But then I realized the stuff in those dreams was outta the question. I realized hard too; it really hit me." Sano slapped his hands together. "But I told you, none of that stuff matters anymore. It was just this stupid idea I got out of my head a while ago. Well, mostly out. Kinda flared up again when you came back, but I swear I'm gettin' rid of it. Sometimes you just make it a little hard, like tonight. But that's my own stupid fault, so don't worry about it."
Saitou, who had shifted away from Sano during his babbled explanation, was the picture of contemplation. The silence was full of breathing, raindrops, and nervous fidgeting.
Finally: "In the middle of the woods?"
Sanosuke chuckled and rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah, that was where I ended up runnin' to. Guess I didn't wanna be around people. I met Shimohira-san when I was walkin' back."
"How fortuitous."
"Haji-- Saitou, if you wanna go, just go already."
"You were upset because you thought I was dead?"
"No. I hadn't been thinkin' about that before, but once I did, I wasn't sure if you were actually dead. I think I kinda tried to convince myself you weren't. Guess I was right after all." He grabbed the ends of his headband and began fiddling with them.
Saitou reached over and stilled his anxious motions. "Tell me if this is correct: You spent twelve months having dreams that you could not remember, and suffered severe sleep deprivation. At the end of those twelve months, you found a way to recover the dreams and discovered they were about-- about me. You concluded I was alive, or tried to conclude, and then what?"
Sano snatched his hands back. "And then I stopped being a stupid asshole and got over it."
"Except for the recent relapse at my return."
"Yeah. Fuck, you can be so goddamned clinical--"
"Shut up and stay on topic. And talk like an adult." Finally a hint of emotion came into Saitou's voice. "What exactly are your feelings towards me at the moment?"
"I already told you that." Sanosuke's own voice burned with emotion.
"No, you did not. Do you love me? Is it lust?" Saitou sounded uncomfortable with the words he was speaking--Sano was overjoyed that he wasn't the only one.
"Love, I think. I don't know."
"Because of a dream."
Sano jumped up. "No! Not because of a fuckin' dream! The dreams were nothin'--I got rid of them so quick. It's just-- just you." All of his previous humiliations were nothing compared to this. "You're strong and-- shit, I don't know, honourable or somethin'. You've got this stupid, pointless, fuckin' beautiful conviction. You don't give a shit about all the stupid stuff everybody else is so hung up on, and, as much as you try and hide it, you aren't a complete asshole. And I'm just a dumb kid with a crush he can't shake."
"You never intended to tell me any of this." Saitou was unreadable; Sano didn't really care.
"Of course I fuckin' didn't! Dammit, what good would it do?
"What do you mean?"
"Oh right!" Sanosuke pitched his voice to an obnoxious falsetto. "Please, Mr. Big Policeman Samurai sir, leave your faithful wife and carry me away for some romantic snuggling and a life of sin! Just take me now!" He gave up the mockery. "Shit, man. I'm an idiot; I'm not stupid."
"My wife?"
"What about her? Didn't think I knew? Hell, Kenshin told me right back when I first figured out the dreams. I was tryin' to get him to help me find you."
Saitou lifted his right eyebrow. "You wanted to find me? Why?"
"I dunno. To see, I guess. What would happen. It doesn't matter, I keep sayin'."
Saitou's hand reached out, towards Sanosuke's arm, but he stopped short and retracted it. Instead, he told Sano, "Sit down. Sanosuke, sit down and look at me."
Still reluctant, Sano complied. "What now?"
"My wife died over a year ago." Solemn and edged.
Sano jumped up again, with a shout, nearly slipping on the wet grass. "The hell?"
Saitou stood up as well, and this time did not hesitate to put a hand on Sano's arm. "It was last January; a lung disease."
Sanosuke placed his own hand on Saitou's shoulder. "Shit, I'm so sorry, Hajime. I feel like an ass now, bringin' all my shit down on you."
Saitou smiled, very slightly, but tenderly. "Thank you, but I have made peace with it."
Still holding Sanosuke's arm, Saitou sat both of them back down again. "You have told me, very honestly, about your secrets. Now it is my turn. Do not interrupt."
Sano nodded quickly. Despite the horribleness of his own confession, he was still genuinely interested and concerned for Saitou. Perhaps even more in light of the last few moments. He thought he had seen all the hidden facets of the man, but a few new ones had just been revealed that he never suspected would exist. He felt closer to Saitou now more than ever, which was ironic considering that he had sparked the entire conversation by throwing a tantrum because he'd thought they had gotten as close as was ever possible.
Saitou spoke plainly and factually. "When Tokio died I felt responsible, and I still do. As she was dying of the disease, wasting away under the labour of her chest, I was reminded of the coughs she would get when I smoked around her. She complained about my cigarettes all the time, but I never heeded her, and neither did the doctor. We were both fools. And though I was away often in the last three years, the damage to her body was done. I quit smoking two months after she died."
"That long? Why not right away?"
Saitou grimaced. "I attempted to, but found I had become addicted to them, so quitting was harder than I had predicted. That unforeseen weakness, coupled with the loss of Tokio, made me-- angry. I was not as compliant to my superiors as I should have been." Another slight smile, but no tenderness this time. "The chief I was reporting to was an insufferable ass, and on more than a few occasions I informed him of such when I let my temper get the better of me. I would not smirk if I were you--you would not have fared any better."
It was funny to Sano, though, that Saitou would have shown the same flaw he always hated in others, specifically Sanosuke.
Saitou flicked him on the forehead again. "As soon as I had finished up my most important cases for him--he didn't assign any new ones--he announced he was transferring me here. By that point, I had regained control of myself, but I honestly didn't care to continue working under him anyway, as long as I remained a part of the secret police. There are few places where men like us can live the old life; the police force is one of them."
Sanosuke smiled. "There's no way they let you kill half the assholes you want to; it's gotta drive you crazy sometimes."
Another snort, finally. "Contrary to popular belief, I do not have an unquenchable blood lust. Besides, these new systems are designed to have loopholes. They're for the corrupt, of course, but I have found that any intelligent man can use them. Those who deserve to die--the ones that take and misuse power--still die."
"Yeah, yeah, we've been over this already. Every night!" Sano stood and stretched his back, vertebrae cracking. "C'mon, it's really late now, and we're both soaked. Next time you think it's gonna rain, take an umbrella already."
"Are we done here?" Saitou looked up at him.
Sano was puzzled. "Ain't we? I mean, we talked everythin' over, cleared the big mysteries, figured out what the hell was wrong with both of us. Now we don't hafta worry about steppin' on each other's toes by mistake. Hell, we even turned out to have the same problem: loneliness. We're a sorry pair, you know?" He smiled.
Saitou stood up, a little stiffly. "Do you plan to do anything about what you confessed?"
Shifting on his feet, Sano ran a hand through his hair, shaking water droplets out of it--he really was wet, but didn't mind it too much and the rain was dying down. "Well, no. I mean. . . I don't know."
"You were only worried because I was married? Not that I would find you disgusting, unattractive, or childish?"
"Well I sure didn't until now! Shit, you know how to set a guy at ease. Just drop it already. I'm not gonna bring it up again, so don't worry."
"You keep saying not to worry." Saitou stepped close to Sano, and placed his left hand on the back of the younger man's neck, making Sano flinch. "I don't think I'm the one who's been worried." He bent slightly forward, and touched his mouth to Sano's.
It wasn't truly a kiss--they were both immobile; testing the waters with uncertainty and apprehension. It was simply a meeting of lips, soft and more delicate that either of them usually bothered with. But it was nice, and it said something.
Sanosuke moved away first. "But I thought--"
"Knowing you, not likely."
Sano grinned and playfully punched Saitou in the stomach. "Watch it, old fart. I can still kick your ass."
"Still?"
Now things were truly back to normal, but Sanosuke couldn't help his curiosity. "Do you-- I mean, are you-- What was-- Damn, this is complicated now!"
"Is it? You are over-thinking things." They both looked a little surprised at that statement, and broke out into a laugh simultaneously. That is, Saitou chuckled and Sano guffawed.
"Oh man, I'm gonna hafta bring that one back to haunt you!"
"Sanosuke." Serious again. "I was not expecting the confession I heard tonight--I never anticipated you would feel the way you do. However, I do not mind. Actually, it is advantageous." Pause. "I promised to tell you why I have been interfering in your life." He looked like he wanted a smoke more than ever. "Tokio filled a special part of my life, and I am grateful for that. When she died it was possible to go on without her, but I regret losing her. You--in these past few months--have filled a certain portion of that void. I was content with your friendship, and thought of you as a younger brother or son, but if you wish more, I am inclined to grant it."
Sanosuke felt like the weight of a single water droplet could tumble him to the ground--astonished was not a strong enough word. "Holy fuck!" He wiped an arm across his forehead and tried to get his wide-open eyes to close a little. "Wait, what the hell-- Are you-- Damn."
Saitou smirked. "Nice to know I am not the only one who's been shocked this evening."
Sano returned the smile. "Heh. Aren't you supposed to be the big aloof asshole who don't need anybody or anythin' but his sword?"
Snort. "A true fool is one who does not recognize that all men have some weaknesses. Shishio was one of those. I am superior because I acknowledge, understand, and control my weaknesses."
"Control your weaknesses?"
Saitou paused. "I do not think of you as a weakness. I was referring to my need for companionship and to my vices. I am not interested in controlling you either."
Sano nodded. "Okay, I get it." He ran a hand through his hair. "So what? You only allow yourself one friend and one bad habit?"
"Something like that." Saitou squeezed Sanosuke's shoulder and began walking down the road in the opposite direction they'd been heading all night.
Sano caught up, and made sure his arm brushed against Saitou's as they walked. "Well if I'm your new friend, I guess we gotta find you a new bad habit too, right?" He practiced his leer. "Where we goin' anyway?"
"My place."
Sano stopped.
"Whoa, wait a minute. I was only jokin' just now, about, about, you know. I mean, I like you, but I've never-- I only just figured it out, is all. And I'm not really wantin' to jump right into-- well, into--"
Saitou stopped as well, smirked, and pinched Sano's lips shut. "Idiot. I'm not going to take advantage of you until you are ready. We are going there to eat. Nothing is open at this hour, and from the sounds of your stomach, I can tell you are still hungry. I have food at my house, but you'll have to be satisfied with soba. Fine now?"
Sano rubbed his lips and grinned sheepishly. "Yeah. Sorry about jumpin' to conclusions and all. But, Hajime?"
"Yes?"
"I'm tryin' not to get too caught up in this. I'm really happy there's a chance to be with you, but there's a ton of ways we could screw this up." Sano pondered that, and came up with examples. "I'm pretty stupid sometimes, and you're an ass most of the time. What's to say we don't start fightin' each other seriously and this whole thing falls apart? I don't wanna pretend there's gonna be a perfect happy endin', but it's depressin' to start somethin' actin' like it's about to end."
"Sanosuke, you have no idea how much you've changed." It seemed now they'd declared their emotions, Saitou felt more inclined to be affectionate. Sanosuke wondered if he could get used to it. "You are correct in judging that we are not perfectly compatible. However, perfect relationships are foolish to wish for and impossible to gain. I am well aware that you are immature at times, but you have shown the potential for more and the ability to use that potential. I have witnessed your drinking and entertaining habits, and they usually remain at an acceptable level. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Sanosuke nodded. "Yeah, I do. Even if you spend too much time workin', I admire that. And when you're hard on me, it's because you know I can do better, not because you wanna beat me down. Right?" Sano knew he was. "But what about stuff besides just personality? I mean, if you get transferred again, do I have to just follow along? Is your life gonna be more important than mine?"
"In a relationship I could not ask you to be anything but an equal. I am not looking for additional burdens; we will work together, or not at all."
"Sounds good to me. C'mon, we can do this walkin'. I'm really starvin' now." They set off again, with Sano still walking closer to Saitou than he would have in the past. "So you're okay with us not havin'--" Cough. "Not havin' sex right away? It's really new to me is all. And have you ever. . . Before?"
Saitou chuckled softly. "You blush so much over a single word; it's completely adverse to your normal character. No, I do not mind if we wait. I do not require a sexual partner as part of my daily regimen. The comfort will be nice in the future, however; I assure you.
"I ask only a few things from you, Sanosuke. Fidelity, responsibility, and for you to be the person you are, regardless of what you think I or other people might want."
Sano had never felt so all-over-and-inside-out warm in his whole life. He was embarrassed, but too pleased to care. "Gotcha. Keep your promise about bein' equal, and I'll be happy too. But what about those other people? I mean, it'd probably be better not to get all lovey-dovey when we're hangin' out with the guys."
The predictable snort. "I'd rather we not act lovey-dovey at all. If I wanted a girly man, I would sleep with Himura."
Sano was reminded of something. "Shit, that's right! What about Kenshin?"
"What do you mean, what about him? He's obviously too short for either of us, and one would be required to pry him away from the manly girl."
Sano slugged him in the shoulder, gently. "Shut up, I don't mean that. I mean what if he finds out? Will he be mad?"
Saitou sighed. "He's your friend, not mine; I have no idea what his reaction would be to this kind of thing. He doesn't seem upset over our current interaction. But if you don't mind, I suggest we keep our deepened relationship private. In public, we can be satisfied with our previous arrangement. Unless there is someone you feel obligated to inform? Do you have any contact with your family?"
"Nope. Dad's better off without me hangin' around, so he doesn't need to know what I've been up to since I left. But what about you? You've probably got family too-- Shit, you don't got kids, do you?"
Saitou lost his amused smile. "No."
"Really? I woulda figured a guy like you would wanna have a couple sons."
"We tried, but three times they died in the womb, a few months before they were due--all boys. It was too dangerous for Tokio's health to continue our attempts."
Sano heard the disappointment in Saitou's voice and knew the man had been looking forward to progeny. "Damn, I'm sorry." He brushed an arm against Saitou's and they walked silently for a while. "Is this what I get to do now? Hear all the stuff you'd never tell anyone else?"
There was a hint of caution in Saitou's eyes. "Yes."
"Cool."
Sano could feel Saitou's tiny smile as the man kissed him softly on his damp forehead. He glanced up and saw that the cloud were starting to clear.
He couldn't believe his good fortune. If he'd managed to make it to a gambling house tonight, he would have cleaned house and made it sparkle. Despite his speech about keeping a level head, his body was floating a million miles away from his mind. Saitou Hajime didn't hate him! Saitou Hajime was willing to love him! Saitou Hajime wouldn't mind fucking him! It was mind-blowing.
The whole night had been all over the place. It had started normal, gotten a little off-track, then a lot off-track, then down right horrible, and finally: absolutely perfect. Sano reminded himself that nothing was perfect--nor should it be, a little Saitou voice chimed in--but whatever this had turned into, it was close.
The most surprising thing about the evening--though the running was close-- was Sanosuke's new insight into Saitou's personality. He realized he should have known there was more to the man than what was instantly apparent, especially for a guy as secretive as Saitou. Sano supposed it was part of his maturing process to learn that no man could be pure evil or cruel for the sake of cruelty. Saitou was harsh on the surface, but he had needs and tenderness and dreams buried within him like everyone else.
Saitou said he had no idea of the leaps he'd made from his innocent and childish beginnings, but he was wrong. Sanosuke was well aware his priorities and judgment had changed, that he'd learned to view life with more clarity and less prejudice. He'd learned not all dreams were good and not all pain was bad.
It was strange, however, the way he and Saitou seemed to fit so well together now, against odds and precedence. It brought up interesting questions.
"Hey, Hajime. Do you think people really change? Or do they just become more of who they were to begin with?"
Saitou looked at him curiously as he slid open the door to his home. "They grow up." He walked inside.
Sano paused outside, taking a second look at the fading stars in the dawn sky.
"Or wake up." Sanosuke followed his friend inside.
*~*~*
