"A Whole New World"
Chapter 9
"The Biggest Mistake"
When the police box materialized in the Capitol several weeks later, there was a small crowd of people waiting for it. Tegan and Angelina emerged first, both dressed in sedate gray Armani suits. Tegan's was done in heavyweight wool, to insulate against the Gallifreyan cold. After them came the three detectives in their black suits and black topcoats, with Green carrying something in a large plastic bag. They were followed by the Doctor in his usual tan pants and green velvet coat. It was upon him that the waiting crowd descended.
"Oh would you just look at him?" Tommy fretted. "Zeta was absolutely right!" Before the Doctor realized what was happening, Isaac had his frock coat off and his waistcoat unbuttoned.
"What do you think – " the Doctor began.
"Get rid of that too," Calvin said, gesturing at his gray cravat, and Tommy obligingly began to work on it.
"Now you just wait a min – "
"That hair!" Tommy called out to the fourth man. "Just look at it! You've got to do something!"
"Why bother?" John asked rhetorically.
"Oh yeah, I forgot," Tommy replied, yanking the cravat free from the white silk collar.
""I really must protest this – " Calvin spun the Doctor around, grabbed one of his hands and stuffed it into a scarlet sleeve, while Isaac soon had his other arm in the other one. Tommy began fastening the closures on the shimmering robes.
"I – " Isaac silenced him by plopping a large orange winged headdress onto his shoulders, wrenching it into place. "I don't want to wear – " John completed the ensemble by jamming an orange helmet onto his head. The four men stepped back to survey their work.
"Marvelous," Isaac sighed with satisfaction.
"Divine," Tommy gushed.
"He looks almost presentable," Calvin put in.
"Too bad about the helmet," John said wistfully. "I could have done so much with that hair!" The members of the Doctor's party were howling with laughter at the impromptu makeover he'd just received, and at the indignant expression on his face.
"Now you know how I feel!" Angelina told him ruefully. "That's exactly how I get treated backstage at fashion shows!" The Time Lord looked decidedly not amused.
"Oh, Doctor," Tegan said, trying to control her laughter. "I'm sorry. I'm not laughing at you in those clothes, I'm just laughing at how those guys – "
"But Mum," Angelina protested. "He looks ridiculous!"
"Hey, come on, kid," Briscoe suddenly said. "Your mom's right. We're not laughing at him. He's a Time Lord, and that's how they dress. Don't make fun of his heritage." Angelina looked abashed.
"You're right, Detective," she said quietly. She walked over to the Doctor and took his hand. "I'm sorry."
"It's all right," he told her with a sigh. "I do look ridiculous!"
"No you don't," Tegan said immediately. "I think you look really amazing!" She took his arm, and his eyebrows went up. "Didn't Zeta invite us to yank everyone's chain?" He grinned and pulled his arm out of hers, wrapping it around her waist instead.
"Hey Angie!" A new voice said. It was young, female, American-accented. They turned to see a woman approaching up the corridor. She was wearing a floor-length faux mink coat and a pair of Chanel sunglasses. Her long brunette hair was swept up and hidden inside a large black picture hat that was pulled down to obscure her features.
"Nikki!" Angelina said, rushing forward to hug her friend. "I can't believe all this!" she said, gesturing at the designers and the hairdresser, who were all hurriedly departing in the company of a middle-aged blonde woman they hadn't noticed before; Tegan and the Doctor recognized her as Nikki's publicist from the Public Register Video broadcast. "You've really been hard at work!"
"Yeah. Zeta said I could invite whoever I wanted to the party afterwards," Nikki told her. "Christie's here… and Linda, Cindy, Kate, Naomi, Heidi, and Claudia… oh, and Garren… not to mention Marc, Ralph, Giorgio, Donna, Karl, Carolina, Donnatella – "
"The Time Lords are going to have a stroke!" Tegan said to the Doctor sotto voce.
"Yes. I think that's the idea," he replied in the same low tone.
"Speaking of yanking chains," Briscoe said, gesturing at Green.
"Ohmigod," Angelina said, breaking into giggles. "Where on Earth did you get that?"
"He didn't get it on Earth, Honey!" Briscoe told her with a grin. Green had opened his bag and pulled out his souvenir from a previous visit to Gallifrey: A winged Prydonian headdress.
"Do you think I should I wear this?" Green asked the Doctor with a grin.
"Yes, absolutely!" the Time Lord told him without hesitation. "You'll make Zeta proud!"
"So, who are all these people?" Nikki asked her friend curiously. "I know Munch, but – "
"Well, these are some of his co-workers," Angelina said, introducing Briscoe and Green. "And this is my Mum, Tegan Jovanka." She glanced at the Doctor in his Prydonian get-up and sighed. "This is – "
"Lord Theta, right?" Nikki asked.
"How did you know?" the Doctor asked, surprised.
"Zeta told me," Nikki answered with a shrug. She threw an arm around Angelina's shoulders. "Yep, it's true… I know all about your sordid past, Angie." Too upset by this announcement to hear the teasing tone in her friend's voice, Angelina looked chagrinned.
"My sordid past – " she began.
"You're half-alien with a whacked out dad from Planet Ten," Nikki said with a shrug.
"Gallifrey," the Doctor corrected with enormous dignity.
"Same difference," Nikki told him, turning back to Angelina. "So what? I've run off to live with a full alien from the same planet who's not supposed to be interested in girls… or guys, either… which he's not, thank God. He's not supposed to be interested in anyone, period. And I hear he was woven on a loom like a rug." Angelina blinked. "Now how weird is that, Angie?"
"Pretty weird," she conceded.
"So who's weirder, you or me?"
"We're probably tied," Angelina admitted with a sigh.
"I'm trying to decide if I should be insulted by this conversation or not," the Doctor said, and both girls laughed.
"Even though you were referred to as 'whacked out', I think you still come out ahead of the guy who's not supposed to like sex and was knitted like a rug," Munch told him helpfully.
"All right," the Doctor said with a nod. Nikki grinned at him.
"So you're a friend of Zeta's?" she asked. He nodded.
"He was a few years ahead of me at the Academy." She frowned.
"I've been totally glued to PRV since I got here, trying to memorize who everyone is, but I don't remember ever seeing you… or even hearing your name mentioned."
"I've been away," he said dryly, gesturing at the police box.
"Oh," Nikki said, understanding. "Your TARDIS, huh? What's it supposed to be?"
"Its chameleon circuit has a slight malfunction."
"It's broken," Tegan added helpfully.
"Whoops! Well, take it back to the dealer and make them fix it," Nikki advised sagely. "That's what I do whenever I have a problem with my Porsche."
"I shall take it into consideration," the Doctor said gravely. She laughed.
"You guys are all alike," she told him, taking the arm that wasn't wrapped around Tegan's waist. Tegan didn't look very happy as the Doctor allowed Nikki to lead them in the direction of the Panopticon. "I met Zeta at Angie's birthday party. We danced a few dances, talked a little bit, and then he took me back to his dumpster. Ha. His dumpster. Can you imagine? So, he opened it up and we went in and he immediately started going on and on and on about dimensional transcendentalism and temporal physics, blah blah blah… well, do you know what I said?" The Doctor shook his head. "I said, 'Hey, you talk too much!'" They all burst out laughing. "It's true. He does." She grinned wickedly. "I've been showing him more interesting things to do with his mouth!"
"TMI!" Munch exclaimed.
"Nikki!" Angelina said simultaneously, shocked. Nikki rolled her eyes.
"Look at me, I'm sweet Angie, lousy with virginity!" she sang mockingly to the tune of "Sandra Dee" from Grease.
"Oh shut up!" Angelina told her good-naturedly.
"Won't go to bed 'til I'm legally wed!" Nikki continued, grinning. "I can't! I'm sweet Angie!" She was so absorbed in teasing her friend that she didn't notice the look that passed between Angelina and Munch.
"What's TMI?" Briscoe suddenly asked Munch.
"Too Much Information," he replied. He glanced at Green, who had donned his Prydonian headdress. "You look ridiculous."
"I thought we just went over this," Green protested.
"He's a Time Lord," Briscoe said, gesturing at the Doctor. "You're a detective. And Munch is right, you look ridiculous!"
"Tell them 'Kush meer in toches!' Detective Green," the Doctor advised. Briscoe laughed,
"You speak Yiddish?" Munch asked, astonished.
"Occasionally," was the cryptic reply.
"Oy vey ismier!" Munch said with dismay, making Briscoe laugh again. Tegan suddenly thought of the letter addressed to Mrs. Rachel Weisman that still sat unopened in her nightstand drawer, and was dying to ask about it but knew this would hardly be the appropriate time to bring up the topic.
"How come we're not seeing anyone else in this corridor?" asked instead. "Surely we're not the only ones on their way to the ceremony!"
"They've cleared a lot of the corridors for security reasons," Nikki told her. "Ever since the Rani escaped – "
"What?" the Doctor asked. "When? How?"
"Well, she – " Nikki began. He held up a hand.
"Never mind. I don't want to know!"
"That yente should have a miserable life!" Briscoe said with feeling.
"She'll have one less miserable life," Nikki said. "The High Council took away one of her regenerations, and sentenced her to spend the rest of her lives in the detention center."
"Idiots," the Doctor muttered under his breath. "Will they never learn?"
"Doubt it," Tegan replied. "Look!" she exclaimed, pointing at a viewscreen mounted on the wall ahead. "It's your friend!"
"Oh, you know Andred?" Nikki asked. The Doctor nodded. "Yeah, he used to be a security guard or something."
"I know. What happened?" She shrugged.
"He hooked up with an alien savage and got canned. Now he's on PRV." The group stopped to watch the broadcast on the monitor.
"The Time Lords continue arriving here at the Panopticon," Andred was saying on the screen. "Already the Cardinals and Deans from most of the major colleges are here, waiting – "
"This is more boring than C-SPAN," Briscoe observed. Nikki shrugged, taking the Doctor's arm again as they resumed their walk to the Panopticon.
"PRV is pretty down market, actually," she told them. "It's barely a step above tabloid television… but in a really weird way. Think A Current Affair meets The McNeil-Lehrer News Hour, with some Entertainment Tonight, some Hard Copy, some CNN, some C-SPAN, and some Charlie Rose thrown in for good measure."
"Sounds schizophrenic," Munch said.
"Oh, it is," Nikki said, nodding. "It's wonderfully trashy, but in a very highbrow way."
"Yes, the Time Lords love to pretend they're quite serious and proper, but in reality they're just dying to hear all the latest salacious gossip," the Doctor said scornfully.
"Yep," Nikki agreed. "And a great way to get hired by the PRV is to distinguish yourself in a particularly embarrassing or appalling way… like your friend Andred did."
"Zeta may be next to join their payroll," the Doctor said, giving her a significant look.
"Joanie's really good," Nikki said with a grin. "My publicist. She insisted that Zeta keep me completely under wraps… why, this is the first time I've been out of his quarters since I got here three months ago. She let them have the tiniest little glimpse of me then, and that was it."
"No wonder you've been watching so much telly!" Angelina said.
"No kidding," Nikki agreed. "Meantime, Joanie's been playing the PRV like Pearlman plays a Stradivarius. She's got them worked up to the point where they're all dying to see me."
"Reverse psychology," Green murmured.
"Yes," the Doctor agreed. "Absolutely brilliant!"
"Exactly. Instead of trying to stuff me down the Time Lords' throats – which was Zeta's first impulse – Joanie's been making me play Ms. Elusive Recluse. I'm harder to talk to than Greta Garbo ever was! Joanie's got them so whipped up in a frenzy of curiosity that they'd practically cut off their right arms to get a glimpse of me." They were approaching the main entrance to the Panopticon, where Andred was interviewing a startlingly pretty young Time Lady in long green robes. Behind Andred and his news crew was the main doorway, which was flanked by six Chancellery Guards on either side, with the Castellan himself blocking the actual door.
"Look!" one of Andred's cameramen suddenly called out, pointing at Nikki. "Is that her? It's her!" Andred hastily wrapped up his interview with the green-robed Time Lady and abandoned her unceremoniously, motioning to his crew to follow him as he hurried forward to meet the Doctor and his party.
"Make Zeta proud," Nikki whispered to the Time Lord with a wicked grin, giving his arm a little squeeze before releasing it and stepping away. He nodded.
"Miss Benson!" Andred called, breathless from his sprint up the corridor. "Do you have anything to say to everyone watching today on Public Register Video?" Nikki gave Andred her dazzling supermodel smile and walked right past him, showing her red invitation to the Castellan, who assigned one of his guards to escort her inside. Andred looked dismayed, but he gamely made the best of it. "And that was her, the mysterious Nikki Benson, right here on our broadcast!" he told his viewers. "Doctor!" he said, suddenly noticing his old friend's presence.
"Hello, Andred. How are you?" the Doctor asked warmly, drawing Tegan forward with him. Andred looked into the camera.
"Many of our viewers may remember Lord Theta of the House of – "
"Oh no, nobody remembers me, Andred," the Doctor cut in hastily. "How's Leela?"
"Fine," Andred answered, looking discomfited. "But I'm the one who's supposed to do the interviewing, Doctor!"
"All right," he agreed.
"Would you care to introduce your friends to our viewers at home?" Andred asked, thinking that even if he had missed out on an exclusive with Nikki Benson, he could score some points by capturing the Doctor's strange little party's arrival for his viewers. However, before the Doctor could open his mouth, the Castellan hurried forward with a disapproving scowl on his lips.
"Lord Theta, who is this… individual?" he asked scornfully, pointing at Green in his Prydonian headdress.
"Why, that's Detective Green!" the Doctor said, as though it were obvious.
"Another of your human pets?" the Castellan said with a sneer, not even bothering to hide his contempt. The Doctor's eyebrows went up.
"He's one of the three who helped capture the Rani… whom I hear has escaped. Oh well, bad luck for you, Castellan. I guess I should have let the New York justice system have another go at her instead of making the detectives turn her over to you and your lot." The Castellan grunted noncommittally, and looked at Tegan with enormous disdain.
"This must be your human paramour, and – " He glanced over her head to look at Angelina, who was holding Munch's arm. " – I see you've brought her bastard offspring along as well." The supermodel coolly returned his gaze with an expression of amused interest. "Lord Zeta seems determined to make the worst possible impression with his choice of guests," the Castellan sniffed. The Doctor gave him a humorless smile.
"And you seem to be determined to make the worst possible impression before all of Gallifrey!" he retorted coldly. The Castellan blinked.
"Smile!" Briscoe told him brightly, pointing at Andred and his camera crew. "You're on Candid PRV Camera!" They had the satisfaction of watching the Castellan's haughty expression dissolve into horrified shock as he realized that he'd just made an ass out of himself and insulted the Lady President's nearest and dearest on a live video broadcast being watched by nearly the entire planet, effectively committing career suicide in front of all of Gallifrey.
"Better luck next time," Green told the wilted Castellan, patting his arm in a falsely friendly manner.
"Don't worry, Castellan," Angelina told him. "I'm sure you can get a job as a presenter on the PRV."
"Lifestyles of the Rude and Stupid," Munch suggested dryly. Without another word, the Castellan waved them all inside. He was so upset that he forgot to ask for their invitations, and forcing Green to remove the Prydonian headdress that he was not entitled to wear completely slipped his mind.
Markas had never been more nervous in his young life.
He and several hundred other young hopefuls had been handpicked to act as ushers for the investiture of the new Dean of their Academy, the very same Academy from which they all one day hoped to graduate. For the hundredth time that morning, he wiped his sweaty palms on the scarlet and orange tunic that marked his position as a student and surveyed the growing crowd on the Panopticon floor with apprehension.
So far, he had managed not to make any terrible mistakes, or to insult anyone. His friend Lyna, a gorgeous young Time Lady hopeful, had recently fled from the floor in tears when an old Arcalian had nastily reproved her for accidentally escorting her to the area reserved for the Prydonian Cardinals. Arman, another of his fellow students, broke his reverie by grabbing his arm and spinning him around to face the party that was just entering the Panopticon.
"Quit your daydreaming!" Arman hissed in his ear. "Look who's coming."
"Great Rassilon, is that Lord Theta of the House of Lungbarrow?" Markas asked, unable to believe he was seeing the notorious Time Lord in the flesh.
"Yes! Now get to it!" Arman released his arm with a little shove that sent him staggering in the direction of the approaching party.
"Wait," he called to his friend. With a glare, Arman turned back.
"What?"
"The black one. He wears human clothing and a Prydonian headdress." Arman frowned thoughtfully.
"I don't recognize him," he finally said. "But he accompanies Lord Theta, who is known to have many eccentric friends."
"So I should put him among the Prydonian elite with Lord Theta?" Markas asked. Arman nodded.
"Just to be safe. He might be someone really important."
"Wouldn't we recognize him?" Markas wondered. Arman shrugged.
"Maybe he regenerated."
"All right," Markas agreed, little knowing that he was about to make his first mistake of the day, the one that would turn out to be the biggest and yet most fortuitous mistake made by any of the hapless students who had been honored with usher duty at their Academy's momentous event.
CONTINUED IN CHAPTER 10, "Gun!"
