Monday, 4:04 PM
Sora's head spun around at the sound of books falling to the floor, quickly discovering that the person who had caused the noise was none other than her bushy-haired childhood friend. It wasn't the first time Taichi had failed to catch his books; Sora had witnessed the painful process of him learning how to throw papers, notebooks and textbooks into the tiny space and then shutting the locker before gravity delivered the consequence. Let's just say it had been a few weeks of trial and error.
What stood out this time was that the brunet didn't seem to understand what had happened, as if he had completely forgotten his own strategy and someone else's school material had just fallen over him out of the blue. The usual muttering and cursing was replaced by absent blinking, making him look like an old person who had walked into a room and then completely forgotten why.
She almost expected him to look at her ask where he was.
"Tai?"
Without answering, he bent down to collect the content of his locker that was scattered on the floor.
"Are you ok?" Sora prompted, walking over to help him.
The last few weeks had really put a strain on their friendship, but talking to Yamato and witnessing their long-awaited reconciliation had made her feel ten times lighter. Now she was more than happy to move on from the annoying weeks that had led up to it. No hard feelings.
Besides lunch, she hadn't seen too much of Yamato but at least she didn't have the sinking feeling of being avoided by him; he had easily exchanged words, jokes and comments throughout the day when they happened to be in the same place, and didn't seem the slightest bothered by Taichi's presence. It wasn't exactly a cheerful energy, but compared to his former behavior he seemed like a ray of sunshine. At least to Sora.
As she squatted next to the brunet, quickly grabbing the papers while glancing at her friend's surprisingly slow movements, said teen had uttered the words that Sora had spent so long needing to hear.
The timing however, couldn't have surprised her more.
"I need to talk to you."
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
Thus, here they were, sitting opposite each other in the Takanouchi's kitchen with two cups of freshly brewed tea patiently waiting in front of them.
Sora never thought she would have her guy friend over for tea and to talk about feelings. He would often accept ice-cream and food, but mainly for the sake of eating. A part of her felt triumphant as she had many times yearned to have these moments with him, feeling like they knew each other enough to have reached this level of friendship. Yet it had never seemed like an activity that suited the other football player.
She knew he wouldn't drink her damn tea and that he had only sat down because his mind was too busy for him to protest.
Still, she savored the moment and secretly wished she could take a picture to remember it.
Seriously, what is it with girls and their bottomless desire for people to show up at their tea parties? she thought to herself.
Taichi interrupted her pondering as he broke the silence.
"So you're a lesbian?"
It was an excuse for not addressing his own issue, but she wasn't surprised by his comment. She had actually wondered why he didn't interrogate her at lunch when she had accidentally outed herself.
She snorted and hugged the hot cup with her palms, twisting it over the wooden table slowly to distract her nerves. It still felt strange to have it out in the open. Well, at least among her friends.
"Yep."
He snickered, but didn't add more. Silence returned and stretched out between them and Sora couldn't help but cut to the chase. She didn't want to pry; she had wanted Taichi to open up on his own, now that he had actually come to her first. But their haltering conversation was making her feel like they were strangers.
"What's going on, Tai?"
He sighed, obviously unhappy with being rushed but didn't wait long before admitting, "It's just been… a lot." He glanced up as if not sure if she knew what he meant, and hesitatingly grabbed the teacup to have something to do while trying to put the storm in his head into words.
"He came over Saturday and… just talked about everything that's happened. And…"
He smiled, more as a nervous gesture than anything. "I had been…" he paused and wiggled his head as he glanced up at her again, acknowledging the recent, and very tiresome, discussions between them, "…ignoring a lot of it, because I couldn't handle thinking about it. You know… I was tired of banging my head against the wall and trying to understand what was happening and why he acted the way he did, so… I was pretty happy to let that go, and just focus on what I could do right."
He quieted, then drew a deep breath and slumped over the table, resting his head on his arm. Sora watched him silently, sipping her tea, as he groaned and twisted restlessly. It reminded her of how he'd move during class, when he was too bored to hide it and wanted nothing else than to run around to shake off the feeling of itching muscles. It didn't surprise her; sitting quietly and talking or even thinking wasn't his thing. Also, it was something she noticed him doing when he was nervous.
There was a short moment where they both thought he would knock over the teacup, but he quickly rescued it, returning to the present and collecting himself with a sigh before continuing.
"He told me how he'd felt during everything, like, his experience and all. The stuff from the very beginning, you know, how paranoid he felt, which he very clearly told me, but… I guess it was even clearer to him now that he knows he's gay."
Taichi trailed off, hands still hugging the now stable teacup while he blankly stared into the abyss. Sora could sense his train of thought going south, diving into the dark side. She wasn't sure if she should try to interfere or not.
"The more he told me, the more I realized how much I had…" He suddenly blinked rapidly, clearing his throat and refocusing, meeting her eyes. "You see he was trying to explain how weird he was feeling the whole time, like out of control, which was what he then tried to run away from, you know. And…" The brunet chuckled bitterly, dropping his gaze again. "I caused that. It was so obvious."
He sensed Sora shifting in her seat, probably ready to jump in and correct him, so he rushed to continue. "I used every moment to make him uncomfortable, even though he very clearly told me how he felt, I just kept going. For a while I did the opposite, but not to actually give him a break" He looked up again, now recalling new arguments from the storm in his head as he was speaking. "I did it to make him miss me, so he'd come back. It was all about me, and what I wanted."
The redhead didn't look too convinced, mainly concerned, so he went for the kill, knowing very well that he was going to steer off track eventually. His feelings would catch up with him, but this was the whole reason he'd turned to Sora in the first place. He needed a proper reaction to what he had done. Yamato's empathic and calm response had felt like an insult to the gravity of what Taichi had done.
"That night we slept together I made sure it happened. Once he had kissed me, I just went for it. He was into it physically, like I got the reactions I wanted but he told me over and over that it wasn't going to happen. And then he stopped saying no…" Taichi broke the intense eye contact he had kept as he retold the event, and quickly debated how he should word the last part. He wanted to get his point across and tell her what really happened, never mind the way he had put it after the event, when he has still boosting. At the same time, it felt wrong the be overly vulgar. "We did… things, you know, not just, like, we actually… did things, you know?" he helplessly gestured with his hands, shaking his head when Sora reflected the very discomfort he had been expecting. She obviously didn't want to know details. The most important thing still remained, so he left the vague description the way it was.
Tears already filling his eyes, he ignored how his voice broke as he admitted the final part, the part he needed her to hear. "I don't think he really wanted to"
Shock went through Sora's body and she felt her face turn cold. It was shock from seeing the 17-year-old break down in front of her, shortly followed by the chilling realization of what he had just told her.
The brunet carelessly sobbed into his palms, not bothering to hold back now that he had finally got the words out.
With her mind racing, Sora did the only thing that seemed logical at the moment and quickly made her way over to his side and threw her arms around him.
It was like trying to dry an ocean with a napkin.
Feeling incredibly insufficient, she continued stroking his back as he kept sobbing, finding nothing else to do but to wait him out.
If she had ever hoped for Taichi to confide in her, she took it back. This was not the ego-boost she thought it would be.
He eventually calmed down and started to catch his breath, wordlessly accepting the paper Sora handed him and shakily collecting himself. She carefully retook her seat opposite him, only for the sake of sitting face to face, still reaching out to awkwardly hug his arm with her hand.
He finally looked up at her with eyes expecting an answer. Judgement. A proper punishment. But Sora, the queen of opinions, didn't know what to say.
"I'm a rapist."
"No," she responded instinctively, giving him a stern look for using that word. Then she gulped, feeling very ill-equipped all of a sudden. Who was she to say what the truth was? This was too serious to simply pick a side.
"Did you talk to him about this?" she asked, dodging the role of giving her friend the second opinion he was looking for.
Taichi glared at her, feeling let down, and rolled his eyes at the question. "He said he trusts me now." He shook his head and then shrugged. "He didn't say much, actually… he just" Taichi sighed, rubbing his face as he felt his voice losing its stability again. "I broke down then too, so he just comforted me. And then…" The football player slumped down on the table once again, hiding his face in his arms. "It got sexual. In a weird way."
Sora studied him quietly, holding back any comments or questions and letting him continue on his own. He sat up again and fiddled with the abandoned teacup. Trying to win time, he took a gulp of the lukewarm tea and made a face. "I kept asking him if he would've come on to me if things had been different. And I think he felt bad, so… he started giving me a hand job" He made another face, refusing to describe the memory as anything but absurd after what he had just admitted. "And… yeah, his dad came home, so we had to pretend we were watching porn" he frowned and waved his hand, signaling that it wasn't worth explaining, and Sora didn't disagree. She just stared at him, concerned.
"And that was it" Taichi sighed, giving her a bitter smile, shrugging again. "We hung out for a bit and then I left. I've barely slept all weekend, and here I am, not knowing how to be normal because nothing's normal" he laughed incredulously, taking another gulp of the tea and regretting it once again. "This is gross"
Sora took a breath, feeling like she was walking out on a minefield. "I wasn't there, so I don't know what happened-"
"I just told you what happened" Taichi interrupted, obviously prepared for her assumed skepticism.
"How…" Sora tried again, dropping the attempt at being diplomatic. "How did you know he didn't want to?" she asked, making sure she used past tense so he wouldn't feel like she questioned his judgement. She had a feeling he was giving her an angled version of the story, full of his shame, but it wasn't productive to doubt him openly.
"He pushed me back over and over, he tried to… fight me, even. He was furious at my attempts. Later he just… it's like he was in a fog. And I took advantage of it"
It was almost as though the brunet was speaking of someone else, Sora thought. Someone despicable. He wasn't crying anymore, just full of contempt. She gave her next comment a second thought, considering the possible outcome. Having little else to say, she gave it a try.
"I talked to him afterwards. He said you hadn't forced him."
To her dismay Taichi took it just like she had feared he would. Once again looking betrayed, he shook his head. "Because he blamed himself-"
"He definitely blamed you" Sora interrupted, only to receive a glare.
"But he took on the shame, he internalized that feeling of not having control and just assumed something was wrong with him. That's why he went insane and acted the way he did; he thought he couldn't be close to me unless he controlled everything. Because otherwise he wouldhave these 'strange' reactions to me. No wonder why!"
Sora took a deep breath, watching the the football player carefully and weighing his words. She wished Mimi had been there; she would've known what to say. This was definitely a different picture than the one she had puzzled together of what had really gone down between the two friends. As much as she wanted to renounce Taichi's version, she had to admit that it was making sense. Sora just wasn't sure of how to address her friend's conclusion.
For a moment it seemed that her silence consoled the athlete, as if simply being heard made him feel better. Then he cocked his head, obviously waiting for her judgement.
"So?" He laughed, throwing his arms out. "All you ever wanted this whole time was for me to ask for your opinion, and now you don't have any?"
"I'm glad you told me this, Tai"
He looked at her incredulously, filling in the gap she had left with his own assumptions.
"You mean it's all fine"
"No, it's not. I don't believe it's fine, how could it be?" She bit back her words for a second, but then decided to say them anyways. "I told you the whole time it was a bad idea"
Taichi's face hardened further and she knew that was it. He silently left the kitchen and walked out the front door, ignoring the redhead's weak attempts at explaining herself and convincing him to stay.
Sora stared at the two cups on the table, listening to the football player make his way out of the building. Silence thickened as his footsteps faded and the brief sense of euphoria she had felt during the day felt more distant than ever.
"Shit."
:)
