Evangelion Fan Funny

Chapter 1: Memories Suck! So Let's Toss Them To The Wind!

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I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion or episode 26.

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A seemingly dark place...

Asuka and Misato were having mad-passion sex with Shinji.  They was pumpin' his piston.  Jackin' his hammer.  Bobbin' for squab.  Piercing his Brosnan.  Riding his bologna pony...

ALL RIGHT ALL READY!!!  THEY WERE FUCKING HIS BRAINS OUT!!!

*ahem*

"OH GOD!  F0R THE LOVE OF CHRIST, DON'T STOP!!!" Screamed Asuka in ecstasy.

"O-KAY!!!" Shinji responded, energetically.

"WAKE UP YOU IDIOT!"

"Huh?"

Shinji woke up in his bed with a fully clothed, really pissy Asuka looming over him with an annoyed scowl.

"Wha-... oh.  Hi Asuka."  Shinji moaned.

"Is that any way to treat you oldest and dearest childhood friend?!"

"*GROAN*... just lemme sleep a little more." Shinji wheezed and pulled the covers over his head.

"COME ON!  WE'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR SCHOOL!!!" Asuka screamed, though not in ecstasy.  She ripped the sheets off... and was stunned momentarily by snail wearing a helmet.  "EEWWWWW!!!  I didn't want to wake THAT up!"

"Well what do you expect? It's morning!  I gotta go take a wiz or something." He moaned as he creaked out of bed.  Several of his bones snapped into action during this, causing the illusion of a walking popcorn bag.

"That's no way to talk to a girl!" Asuka snapped.

"Then stop waking me up like this Asuka!" Shinji bit back while standing up.

"AHH!!!  DON'T POINT IT AT ME!!!"

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Meanwhile, in the kitchen...

"AHH!!!  DON'T POINT IT AT ME!!!" Came the scream from down the hall.

"Aww, those kids play so nice together." Yui said softly while cleaning the breakfast dishes and looking like an angel in the present light filtering through the window.

"Yes dear." Gendo grunted while reading the paper, then he scratched his ass.

"It's so nice of Asuka to come over and wake Shinji up every morning, isn't it?" Yui said softly while cleaning the breakfast dishes and looking like an angel in the present light that was filtering through the window.

"Yes dear." Gendo grunted while reading the paper, then he shifted in his seat to get at the annoying itch in his butt-crack.

"You better get going dear.  You know who professor Fyutski blames when you're not on time." Yui said softly while cleaning the bre – AWWWWW SCREW IT!

"Yes... she who must be obeyed."

"What was that, dear?"

"Nothing!"

"COME ON, SHINJI!" Asuka roared.  "Mrs. Ikari!  We're leaving now." Asuka said politely and stood up straight in a 'good little girl' way.

"OOOOkaaaay!  Have a nice day."

"Bye!" Asuka said with lots of zest, and then shoved Shinji out the door.

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Ten minutes later...

Shinji and Asuka were running down the street as if they were on the run from rabid police dogs.  If you haven't seen a police dog, they're REALLY fast.

"SHINJI NO BAKA!!!  YOU MADE US LATE AGAIN!"

"Could you just forget about that for a second!"

"If you give ME that kind of gall, how will you treat the new student coming in today!?!?!"

"Oh yeah!  I forgot about that!  Man!  I hope she has a great butt!  Heh Heh!"

Just then...

Shinji was creamed by a blue blur chewing on toast and talking perfectly at the same time like it was the easiest thing in the world.

When his eyesight straightened out he was looking at a pair of panties.

'Yippee!'  Shinji thought.

"AHH!!!" The now very visible... and revealing... blue haired girl pushed down the front of her skirt.

'aww.' Shinji thought, mentally tracing a circle with his finger.

The unknown blue haired girl got up and made a mad dash in the direction Shinji was going before she collided with him at supersonic speed.

Shinji tried to get up, but he was interrupted halfway by a...

"YOU LITTLE PERVERT!!!" Asuka bellowed.  She then proceeded to beat Shinji into a puddle of goo.  She was forced to stop when she heard the school bell, so she scraped Shinji into a can she found in the garbage and made a mad dash to school.

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Later that day and just in time for the bell that started the school day...

Asuka barged into class seconds before the bell and rummaged around in her backpack for her 'Shinji in a Can'.  When she found it, she poured Shinji into his seat and sat down herself.

Touji and Kensuke came up to the mass that was Shinji.

"Hey Shinji!  How's it going?" They said in unison.

Shinji's body quickly reconstructed itself into a black and blue Shinji.  His head wavered around for a bit, but then his strength gave out and his head collapsed on the desk with a big CLUNK!

"Oh." They said.  "So...  What else happened today?!" Touji asked.

Shinji's injuries magically healed at the memory he just HAD to blurt out.

"I SAW PANTIES!!!" He yipped excitedly.

"NO WAY!" Touji shrieked. "FOR REAL?!"

"Well, it wasn't anything big... juuust a little flash." He said while closing his index finger and thumb to a small gap to illustrate his point.

"AWW, MAN!!!  I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!  THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!!!" Touji whined, clawing out his eyes.

"What was that, Mr. Suzaharah?" Hikari said curtly while pulling Touji's ear.

"Ack!  It was nothing!  I swear!" Touji pleaded.

*SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

All the heads of the entire male student body perked up at the heavenly sound of Misato's car ploughing into her parking space.  A fight instantly broke out for a good spot at the window.

Misato opened her car door and slowly stepped out of the car.  Twenty gawkers fell dead from a major nosebleed at the sight of her leg.  One hundred more collapsed by the time she got out.

Asuka and they rest of the females grumbled something about all boys being perverts or... something... the author didn't know, he was too busy looking at Misato's bouncy, shinny, soft, milky...

[The writer took this moment to shake his head vigorously of all the images of Misato rubbing ice on her breasts.]

*ahem*

Misato got out of her car and went inside.

A little later (after some much needed relief)...

Misato boomed into class and slammed a stack of papers down on her desk.

"Listen up kids!  We got a brand new, blue haired babe to stay and she has something to say to y'all!"

"HI!  I'm Rei Ayanami!  How's it hangin'!" The new girl greeted

"OH MY GOD!" Came a cry from the back of the room.  Being from Shinji, duh!

"What!  Hey!  YOU'RE THE JERK WHO WAS STARING AT MY PANTIES!!!" Shouted Rei.

"Look who's talking!" Asuka defended for Shinji.  No one knows why she defended him because she beat him up after seeing Rei's panties.  "You're the one who was flashing him!"

"Why are you defending him!?!" Rei snapped back.  The author's point was now clear.  "Are you two playing hanky panky...?" She taunted with a goofy grin.

Asuka was blown back, not expecting that.  "We- We're just really old friends, THAT'S ALL!"

"Everybody, SIT DOWN!" Hikari demanded.  She was, of course, ignored.

The class broke out in commotion because the author didn't feel like continuing the argument.

[The author reflected on this, and grinned evilly.]

The author froze time, wrote himself into the story on the other side of town and had hot, monkey-love with all the Sailor Scouts.

Maya and Ritsuko just happened to be in the same room making out, but neither party paid any attention to each other, because Maya and Ritsuko were frozen in a position that could kill most people.

[A little later, the author went back to work.]

"EVERYBODY, SIT DOWN!!!" Misato shouted as loud as she could.  No one stopped.  So she lifted her skirt up a little.  The room went dead silent.

All the boys, and one girl, drooled in anticipation.  The rest of the girls were just stunned.

"Rei, take that seat by the window so we can start the day." Commanded Misato.  She pushed back down her skirt and sat down.  Roughly half the class, with one girl, let out a disappointed moan.

"Now then.  Timothy Leary was born in..." Misato began.  The class opened up their laptops and got ready to copy a boring days worth of notes from a VERY well stacked teacher.

No sooner did Shinji open his laptop did a message icon appear in the corner of his screen.

YOU JERK!  YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO BLURT OUT TO EVERYBODY THAT YOU WERE STARING AT MY PANTIES!

                                                      -Ayanami

YOU DID THAT!

                                                      -Ikari

OH LIKE YOU DIDN'T TALK ABOUT IT!

                                                      -Ayanami

UNTIL NOW ONLY FIVE PEOPLE KNEW.  NOW YOU HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT YOURSELF.

                                                      -Ikari

I'LL KICK YOU'RE ASS!!!

                                                      -Ayanami

COME AND GET IT BITCH!!!

                                                      -Ikari

"AHHHHHH!!!" Rei screamed as she lunged out of her desk at Shinji.  She got so much lift out of her jump that the three guys in the path of her and Shinji got a good look at her panties too.

The entire class watched as Rei collided with Shinji again.  She landed on him feet first with precision accuracy and they tumbled to the ground.  Rei stumbled when Shinji hit the floor and fell on him.  One of her... attributes... mushed against his face.

[The author would like to thank Godsend777 for that little idea]

In another outburst of uncharacteristic defense, Asuka jumped up from her desk and screamed, "YOU BITCH!" and leapt into the fray.

All the guys jumped up from their desks and collectively yelled "CAT FIGHT!!!"

One girl jumped up and yelled, "YEAH!!!"

All the guys turned to her.

The girl blushed.  Then she pointed to the cloud of dust with fists and punching sounds coming from it and yelled, "CAT FIGHT!!!"

All the guys turned around and yelled, "YEAH!!!"

The girl smiled inwardly.

The room was filled with hooting and cat calls.

Misato gave up on the hopeless class and whipped out some nachos for the fight and started munching happily.

'Weapon of Choice' by Fatboy Slim played in the background.

Asuka and Rei started slapping each other around to the goofy beat of the music, and occasionally, Rei threw a desk at Shinji.

Asuka was ducking and weaving all over the place.  She threw a punch at Rei.  Rei dodged it and swung around behind her before making a mad dash to Shinji.  She pulled a length of rope from the vortex behind her back that all cartoon characters have, and hog-tied Shinji's arms and legs behind him in 2.4 seconds.  Asuka was already charging at full speed towards her, so Rei crushed Shinji under as many desks as she could before she was tackled from behind.

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At the infirmary...

"E9"

"Miss!"

"Fuck!"

The two nurses were stunned out of their game when Misato and three students wheeled in a badly beaten redhead, a blue haired pile, and a body tied in a knot.

"Misato!!!" Two male nurses dressed in female nurses uniforms yipped excitedly.

"Can you focus for a second!?!"  There are three badly beaten students here!" Misato shouted.

"Who cares!  Will you have sex with me?" one nurse asked.

"NO CARL!"

"Why?"

"Because I don't fuck bisexual transvestites."

"Fuck!" Cursed Carl.

"What about me?" asked the other nurse.

"You're gay Bob!!!" Carl bellowed.

"Oh yeah.  Wanna go fuck?"

"Okay!" Carl replied.

Misato was left with three badly injured students and two transvestite male nurses making out in front of her eyes.

"Uh, Misato?" Shinji winced, trying to keep his eyes shut.

Misato didn't respond.

"Asuka?"

Asuka was mesmerized.

"New chick?"

Rei's eyes surfaced to the top of her mass of a body so she could watch men fuck.

"Class rep?"

Hikari was holding out a cross in a shaky hand chanting to god to have mercy on their souls.

"Guys?"

Touji and Kensuke had already bolted.

"Dammit!" Shinji cursed.

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After school [and finally being able to draw away the girls attention.]...

Asuka and Shinji walked back to Shinji's house.

Well actually 'walked' isn't the right term.

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After school...

Asuka and Shinji dragged their nearly flattened bodies back to Shinji's house.  Shinji was sporting a full leg cast, a bandage around his head from the concussion, and another cast on his arm that was propped up by some kind of support that made him look like he was making a left turn. 

On the bright side, he might have a killer pitch like that kid in that baseball movie.

Asuka was better off with a neck brace.  How did Shinji get so battered up you ask?

Shinji doesn't hit girls.

All and all, he seemed to have made the right choice.

"Asuka?" Shinji asked.

Asuka turned her body and walked sideways so she could look at him.

"Why did you defend me back there?" Shinji asked timidly.

Asuka stopped to think about that for a second, though because of the neck brace, it looked like she stopped to look at a dog shitting on the sidewalk.

"I don't know..." Asuka responded.  She turned her body to look at the writer.

"Don't ask me.  I was thinking about the sailor scouts when that happened."

"It still doesn't make sense." Asuka responded.

"Yeah." Shinji chimed in.

"It's probably because Asuka lo-."

"Finish that sentence and you can say goodbye to your balls!" Asuka screamed.

"How could you cut my balls off... if I'm not really here?" the writer then faded from vision.

"Where did he go?" Shinji whimpered.

Naturally, he knew Asuka wouldn't hesitate to lop off someone's balls.  She had never done it, but she's capable... believe me.  All who don't will suffer a horrible fate at the hands of a pissed off redhead.

"Who cares!" Asuka blasted back at him.  Shinji's hair stood up on end from the typhoon.

Shinji ran from her at full speed back to his house.  This was very impressive since his limbs had been hog-tied and broken that day.

"Humph!" Asuka breathed. "What a wimp!  And yet..." Asuka quickly scanned around her, and then whipped out a forty-foot statue of Shinji she just happened to have on her.

"Oh, Shinji.  My love.  Am I doomed to worship you from a far for the rest of my days to come?  Will you ever recognize my feelings for you?" she poetically versed, before hugging the feet of the statue.

A wheezing sound was reverberating behind her.  Asuka snapped out of her world so she could ream Kensuke in the face.  Then she shoved the statue back into her vortex and stormed back home.

[The creators of 'Hey Arnold' took this point to start spinning in their graves.]

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At the Ikari residence...

Shinji bolted through the door and slammed it behind him as fast as he could, relentlessly panting his ass off.

"Gasp... Gasp... Gasp... Mom! Dad! I'm home!"

No one answered.

He limped around the house, but found no one.

After taking one more scan, he reached behind him and pulled out one of his most prized possessions.

A rubber blow up doll that was an exact copy of Misato.

Thank god Kensuke's dad worked for Lover's Lane merchandising.

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Elsewhere [possibly in an alternate reality]...

The writer let out a fart and went to bed.

TO BE CONTINUED...

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AUTHOR'S NOTES:

When you write an Asuka / Shinji relationship, you definitely have your work cut out for you.  It's almost impossible, because in the series, they hate each other.  But the truth is that they would be perfect for each other because they are the same.  Asuka only hates Shinji because she is exactly like him on the inside.  She just covers it up with her cold exterior.

If you think this is incoherent babbling, you're wrong.  In the End of Evangelion, during the little scene where Asuka is straddling Shinji, she tells him she gets angry whenever she looks at him.  Then Shinji says, "Because I'm like you?"

Her true self is also expressed in the director's cut of episode twenty-two, because she keeps screaming, "No!  This isn't me!" at apparitions of how she acts toward others.

If you were to write a serious Asuka / Shinji fic, it could work if you kept them in character.  But it would be very hard, because Asuka hates Shinji at the end of the movie.  She really hated him since the fifteenth angel.  But there is a chance, because Asuka also said, "If I can't have all of you then I don't need you."

Writing a serious Asuka / Shinji fic is too complicated, so they always toss reality to the wind and make them funny.  Hence, 'Evangelion Fan Funny' was born.  But don't fret!  Reincarnation is in the works and it will be the only Asuka / Shinji fic that is perfect.  I have spent many a night thinking about it and trust me; there will be no OOCness.

A little thing you should know about my stories is that they are completely senseless if I don't give a damn about plot.

You will enjoy the ride...

      Many thanks to Weltall Elite.

vicil2000@hotmail.com or vicil2000@evangelion.com