Evangelion Fan Funny Chapter: 2 You know what really pisses me off?

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I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion or episode 26.

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Now where did we leave off...?  OH YEAH!

WATCH THE SERIES!

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Before the show...

The writer stood up on the podium in front of the cast.

"I would like to make a small announcement." He said, holding his hands above his head.  "I will not be interfering in the lives of the characters... even though I could.  I am only here to fulfill my fantasies with various anime characters that I've wanted to... meet... in the past.  So just because I wheal God-like power, I will not do anyone any favors.  That goes double for you Gendo!" The writer said, wagging his finger at the sulking 'evil plan to save the world' guy.  "If you want to take over the world, you're on your own.  That is all."  Then he left the room.

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A little later [possibly in an alternate reality]...

"Ahh... Back to work."

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Ikari residence...

Shinji woke up the next morning in his bed.  'Thank god...' he thought to himself.  [Or in this case... Vicil]

In the tangled sheets of his bed, he rolled over to his companion sharing his sleeping space.  "How was your sleep?"

She lay eyes closed and unmoving, but a small grin was showing on her face.

"Mine certainly was restful." Shinji spoke again.  "In fact," he reached over to pull her close to his body, "I'm ready for another go."

Shinji rolled on top of his bed companion and gave her a few small kisses around her mouth.  He glanced at the clock.  It was almost time to go to school, but 'Little Shinji' still wanted to play.  An internal conflict within him between business and pleasure started brewing.

'Little Shinji' was only too happy to kick business' fat ass off his playground in Shinji's head.

"But this will have to be just a quickie." Shinji spoke, and quickly started rocking on top of her.

SNAP!

"What the fu-."

Asuka stood in the doorway flapping a Polaroid in her left hand while holding a camera in the other.  She grinned evilly.

"My, oh, my.  Wouldn't Misato like to see this..." She said, smugly.

"GIMMIE THAT PICTURE ASUKA!!!" Shinji blasted.  He tossed 'rubber Misato' aside and lunged at the door.  Asuka took off with her tongue sticking out of her mouth and a big smile on her face, clutching the Polaroid in her hand.

It's not possible to stick your tongue out and smile at the same time!

IS TOO!

IS NOT!

IS TOO!

IS NOT!

ISTOOISTOOISTOOISTOOISTOO!!!

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In the kitchen...

Yui and Gendo were enjoying the quiet routine of sipping coffee and slowly eating their eggs and bacon.

A smiling redhead and a blurry boy chasing after her flashed by and out the door.  The wind kicked up and the table was knocked over.  Yui's coffee blew all over the back of Gendo's newspaper.  Newspaper of which was protecting his groin from what he knew would happen.

It was routine after all.

"Bye kids!" Yui shouted.

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En route...

Rei was getting smarter.  Not to say she wasn't smart.  Rei was very smart.  Brilliant even!  And pretty!  No, sexy!  And unique!  AND COORDINATED!  AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, REI, PUT AWAY THAT SPADE!!!

*Whew*

She had woken up early so she could walk to school without the hassle of time or perverted boys trying to look at her panties.

Wait a second... Rei, how come you're not a boneless pile of matter?

Rei shrugged.

She stopped at the corner and waited for the walk light.

"I SAID GIMMIE!!!"

"No way, Shin-boy!"

Rei whirled around at the sound of the voices of the familiar people who she got into a fight with yesterday because she wasn't watching where she was going and a guy got a look at her panties after she crashed into him and then ran off.  [Intake breath now.]

She had the stupidest look on her face when she was hit at terminal velocity and knocked into the air.

"DWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."

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At school...

The entire class was startled into attention when the roof caved in and a blue hair girl fell into her seat from the hole.

[Wow, nice shot.]

The wide-eyed look of terror on Rei's face was very evident.  She just sat in her seat, quivering.

One brave soul attempted to inch closer to her.

"Ayanami... are you okay?" said Wang.

Rei quickly grabbed him by his collar and threw him against her desk.  She cocked her head to the side and bent down to look him directly in the eye.

"Beware of the blurry people..." she whispered to him, still shaking.

"O-Okay." Wang squeaked.

Misato at the front of the class was also a bit shocked at seeing a student arrive through the ceiling.

She had only seen that once.

"O-kay..." Misato started up, "How much longer until the bell?"

Just then, Asuka burst in the room through the door and slammed it shut behind her.  A split-second later, a figure exploded through the door and the redhead was tackled to the tiles.

"GIMMIE THAT PICTURE NOW!!!" Shinji shrieked.  Asuka quickly put the picture under her back.

"No!  It's mine!" She snapped back.

Shinji reached around her with both hands and got her into a bear hug, trying to grasp the picture from her hands.  She wouldn't let him have it.  Shinji pushed forward to extent his reach, but Asuka held it further away.  They both kept grunting under the strain until...

"Look at them!  Their going at it like rabbits!"

At this, they both stopped their humping motion and blushed furiously.  The whole class burst out laughing.  They quickly got to their feet and bowed to the teacher so they could hurry to their seats before the laughter got any worse.  Before Asuka took her seat beside Shinji though, she quickly tossed Misato the little... present... she snapped.  She ran back to her seat in a fit of laughter while Shinji scowled at her and tried not to blush anymore.  The school bell rang, and the day was off.

He snapped his head straight ahead, determined not to look at her for the rest of the day.

That's when he noticed it.

Although since he practically humped Asuka in front of the whole class Misato still would have gotten their attention somehow the second the bell rang.  Instead, she was staring wide-eyed straight at him.

Shinji scanned the rest of the room to find that it too was mesmerized by his presence.  The boys were slack jawed with disbelief, while the girls, even that one, were all blushing and trying to hide their faces in a spell of girlish laughter.  Shinji checked behind him to make sure nothing funny was back there.  All he saw was Touji and Kensuke sinking further and further in their desk with faces as red as Asuka's hair.  Asuka herself was trying her hardest to stare straight ahead, but couldn't help but chance a quick glance at Shinji every 4 seconds.  The darkest blush of all was on her face... until he felt a draft.

"HEY IKARI!" Rei shouted from the back. "NICE PACKAGE!"

Apparently in his hurry, and after his... sleep... Shinji had forgotten to put on the slightest stitch.  What is a buck-naked fourteen year-old to do when he sits down naked in class after one of the most humiliating experiences of his life?

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

And he took off out of class, down the hall, out the door and to his house at light speed.

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After (he) school (he-he-he)...

Asuka was pissed off... anything in her path could tell... especially the skyscraper that caved in on itself when Asuka bulldozed through it's main support beam because it was in her way.

She got even more pissed of when it fell and she had to push 60mi/h to get out, but it was okay because any home electronic equipment that wasn't crushed was now free!  She picked up a nifty high impact portable CD player and some digital quality headphones before continuing on her way.  It was very hard to get back into her mood after the score she just landed, but it was possible.

'That little dick is going to PAY for humping ME in class!'

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Ikari residence...

Shinji sat in the darkness of his room.  A sinister, barely sane cackle escaped his dry mouth as he gazed up at his creation.

"Now Asuka... NOW I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!" he threw his hands up in the air and laughed the laugh of all anime villains.

"MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

His mouth was really dry.  "My mouth is really dry."

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Somewhere down the street...

"Ooooh... I am soooo going to enjoy boxing around that hollow skull of yours."

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Somewhere out of danger...

"Hey, Touji, wanna go over to Shinji's?" Kensuke said into the phone

"Kay."

[Morons.]

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Somewhere on the good side of town...

"Hikari!  Where are you going?"

"I have to go mom.  Asuka said she needs my help to yell at Shinji."

"But he's so sweet."

"He showed up at school naked today."

"Oh father, who art in heaven, please ease the pain this boy will endure."

"What was that mom?"

"Give him hell sweetie!"

Hikari left the house, her mother sighed in relief and picked up the phone.

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Somewhere in Tokyo-3...

Maya slipped the key into the room door while Ritsuko massaged her front from behind, necking her all the way.  They practically fell into the apartment.  Maya started to pull off Ritsuko's blouse.

"What are you doing here!?!"

They looked up to see a very handsome, well-built, well-endowed man [thank you very much] shagging a busty, purple haired woman in tight S&M gear.  They ignored them.

"Who are they, honey?  More playmates?" She said with a grin.

"Sorry Naga baby.  Those are characters from the story."

"Aww, just this once?"

"Sorry."

"Rats."

"Uh, could you two give us some privacy?"

Maya and Ritsuko looked up from their 69.

"This is our room!  YOU GET OUT!" they yelled at the writer.

"No you're in room 69.  This is room 65.  You probably mistook which one because they sound the same."

"Our key fit in this one."

"That's a membership master key.  I have one too."

"THIS IS OUR ROOM!!!"

"Not anymore."

Maya and Ritsuko were sucked out the door by some unseen force.  The door slammed shut shortly after.

"Now, where were we?"

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Ikari residence...

Asuka stomped up to the front door.  "Prepare to die, Baka-Shinji."

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Inside the Ikari residence...

There was a knock on the door.

"Shinji, Asuka's here to see you."

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MOM, DON'T COME IN!!!"

The door stopped before it could move anymore.

"...Okay..." Yui said quizzically and let go of the handle.

"Uh, can you invite her in for me?"

"...Sure..."

"Okay!  Thanks mom!"

Yui observed the crack in the door a little longer, and then went to the front.

"Is he in his room Mrs. Ikari?" Asuka politely asked with a perky demeanor.

"He's jerking off, I think." Yui said calmly.

"Even better!"  Asuka said as she bounced on her heels.

"Okay.  Have fun kids!"

"Thanks, Mrs. Ikari!" Asuka ran off down the hall.

"Such a nice girl..." Yui said to herself.

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Shinji's room...

"Boy, is my mouth dry!" Shinji whined.

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The hallway...

"Even better indeed!  Now he has no where to run!" Asuka thought happy thoughts of wailing on Shinji.  "And yet..." Asuka stopped in the middle of the hallway and quickly scanned for the presence of others, and then she scanned again, and then a third time.

After the sixteenth time, she reached behind her into her and pulled out another of her most prized possessions.

A pair of Shinji's skid mark underpants.

"Oh, Shinji.  My love.  Please forgive me for the punishment I am about to bestow upon thee.  Although it's not the kind of punishment I would like to bestow upon you." She phrased as she hugged the poo-stained undies close to her heart.

Yui came up behind her and snatched the briefs out of her embrace.

"Thanks, Asuka.  I've been looking for those." She perked as she strolled down to the laundry room.

Asuka blushed an uncertain shade of red that the writer didn't want to describe.

"Ooooh!  Those were MY undies!  Now I'm REALLY pissed off!"

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Ayanami residence...

"Back-Street's-Back-ALRIGHT!!!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP REI!!!"

"YOU SHUT UP!!!"

"YOU!!!"

"YOU!!!"

"YOU!!!"

"YOOOOOOOOOU!!!"

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Shinji's room...

Shinji could see his mom enter the laundry room across the hall with a pair of underpants in her hand.

SLAM!

Asuka burst in through the door and it slammed against against the back wall.  She had a very angry sneer on her face.

SPLASH!

The pail propped up by the door fell down on top of Asuka's head, covering her from head to toe with warm, liquid saliva.  Asuka reeled back in utter and complete surprise.  Shinji took advantage of this glorious moment to run out of his room at full speed.

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Ikari residence, and beyond...

Asuka threw the pail to the floor and looked for Shinji.  Not being in his room, she twisted to the hall and saw him running down the hall.  SHE took off after him at warp speed and nailed him in the back, sending them flying into the bathroom, through the wall, backyard, across the street, several city blocks, and finally rolling to a stop in a park that was on the other side of the city.

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Ikari residence...

"Class Rep?  What are you doing here?" Touji and Kensuke said in unison.  Several readers wondered how they kept doing that.

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A park on the other side of the city...

"SHINJI NO BAKA!!!  I'LL KILL YOU!!!"  Asuka straddled Shinji and proceeded to beat the shit out of him.

Though Shinji's conscious was quickly fading from him, he was still able to take in the pleasure of Asuka shifting wildly on his groin.  It wasn't until she lifted him up off of the ground that the mother of all pains would soon be upon him.

Asuka grabbed Shinji around his waist in a bear hug and lifted him above her head so she could body slam him.  However, in doing this she accidentally reached behind his back, the hidden vortex with infinite space, and grabbed hold of something.  On his trip down Asuka pulled out Shinji's MOST prized possession.

A very broken in, rubber blow up Asuka.

"Eep!" Shinji squealed.

TO BE CONTINUED...

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AUTHOR'S NOTES

      I'm making this up off of the top of my head.  And I should also point out that I am not racist or homophobic.  This fic is a spoof.  Remember that.

      Many thanks to Weltall Elite.

vicil2000@hotmail.com or vicil2000@evangelion.com