Evangelion Fan Funny Chapter 3: If I have to Tell You One More Time…

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I don't own Neon Genesis Evangeion or episode 26.

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Warning: This fic contains wacky anime characters and a writer that wheals God-like power over them all.  There will be violence, horny teenagers, foul language, a pissed off redhead, and if I'm lucky... GRATUITOUS SEX!

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Warning: This fic also contains Laughing Doom... A secret set of words that induces laughter SO HEARTY that it ends only with...

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Somewhere [possibly in an alternate reality]...

"RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!"

...

"NRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!"

...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!"

*Plop*

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."

FLUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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Part 1: Wuss Boy Strikes Back!

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A park on the other side of the city...

"Now, Asuka..." Shinji winced.

"Rrrrrrrrrr..." Asuka growled.

"If we can both just... calm..." Shinji started scrambling back on his butt.

"RRRRRRRRRR..." Asuka growled, and started approaching him on all fours.

"... down?" Shinji squeaked.

"ROOOAAARRR!!!" Asuka broke out in a full gallop... or whatever it's called.

"AHHHHHHHHH!!!" Shinji hid behind his hands in a vain attempt to prolong the inevitable, as Asuka closed the distance with one final pounce.

Suddenly, a penguin walked in between Shinji and the rapidly approaching bat out of hell.

Asuka stopped, in mid air, with her arms outstretched and her hands ready to claw Shinji to bits.

The penguin looked at Asuka.  Asuka looked at the penguin.  The penguin cocked its head to the side.  Shinji peeked out from behind his fingers to see Asuka, floating in mid air, cocking her head to the side.

The penguin went, "BWAGABWAGABWAGABWAGABWAGABWAGABWAGABWAGA!"

Asuka went, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" and ran away, flailing her arms in the air.  The penguin and Shinji waved away the dust she kicked up.

...

"I'M SAVED!!!" Shinji chorused in joy.  He started clog dancing and kicking his heels in the air while "The Messiah" played in the background.

The penguin cocked its head to the side at the odd behavior of the human and the strange gospel music.

Shinji was so overjoyed; he scooped up the penguin and started swinging it around.  The penguin didn't like it, so it started fidgeting wildly and gnawing at Shinji's arm.

"Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!!" Shinji sang to the penguin.  "You saved my life!  What's your name, little guy?"

The penguin released its lockjaw, reached behind itself and pulled out a card.  Shinji looked at the penguin odd.

"WAARK!" the penguin explained.  Shinji took the card and held the penguin with the other.  The penguin went back to gnawing at his arm.

WANDERING PENGUIN LOOKING FOR HOME

NAME: Pen Pen

SPECIES: Warm-water penguin

GENDER: Male

OCCUPATION: Pet

LIKES: Beer, sleeping, non-instant food, television, beer, naked women, beer, naked penguins, beer.

DISLIKES: Early risers, nuns, non-alcoholics, non-alternating meal times, limited meal times, basic cable.

HOBBIES: Pretending to read.

SKILLS: Toilet.

PHONE: 486-9787  FAX: 7-TOILET

Shinji put down the penguin and walked to the nearest payphone, which happened to be right next to him.

*Click*

*WAARK?*

"Uh, yeah.  I got this card."

*WAARK?*

"Uh, it says his name is Pen Pen."

*WAARK*

"Yes, I'll hold."

'Rhythm Emotion' started playing on the line.

A little lower, and to the right, a phone rang.  The penguin reached behind himself with his flipper and pulled out a cell phone.

"WAARK?"

*WAARK.*

"WAARK?"

*WAAAAAAAAAAARK.*

"WAARK."

*WAAAAAARK.*

"WAARK." The penguin snapped the phone shut and put it away

Meanwhile, on the payphone, Shinji was happily singing along.

"So far awa- Oh!  Hello?!"

*WAARK?*

"Yes, I'm here."

*WAARK.  WAAAAAAAAAAAARK.*

"Thank you very much!" Shinji retorted excitedly.

*WAARK.*

"Bye!"

Shinji hung up the receiver and turned around to look at the penguin.  The penguin whipped out a form and a fountain pen from behind his back.

"WAARK."

"But, don't my parents have to sign this?"

"WAARK!"

"Good point."

Shinji signed the papers instantly.  The penguin put it in a file cabinet that materialized out of nowhere.

"So, your name is Pen Pen?" the penguin nodded and held out his flipper.  "I'm Shinji." Shinji took the flipper and gave it a hearty shake.  "Say, Pen Pen, will you be able to frighten Asuka like that more often?"

"WAARK."

"YES!"

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Ikari residence...

Shinji awoke to one of the strangest things he had ever heard...

His alarm clock.

*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*

"Uhnn... just lemme sleep a little more Asuka..." Shinji croaked, pulling the sheets over him.

*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*

"Shut up!"

*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*

Poor Shinji had no other choice but to get up out of bed, walk across his room, and turn off the alarm.  His fingers fumbled around for the switch to turn off the incessant beeping.  Too bad his vision wasn't totally 100%; otherwise he wouldn't have kept missing the switch labeled 'OFF' in big, crayon letters.

*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*

His fumbling became more aggressive as he started spinning around the clock, trying to see if it was even on the damn thing.

*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*

Shinji started banging the clock on the corner of the headboard.

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...*

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Shinji reared back, and threw the clock out the window as hard as he could.  It rebounded back on the cord and smashed dead center into his forehead.  Shinji was knocked out cold while the pieces of the alarm clock remained intact.

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...*

Pen Pen crashed through the door and ripped the cord out of the wall socket.

...

Pen Pen let out a long sigh and walked over the face of his unconscious owner to go back to bed.

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The folk's room...

Yui sat up in bed with a BIG smile on her face.  She stretched and gave a big yawn.  A cute little hummingbird flew in through the window and landed on her finger.

"Good morning, little birdie." She said in her most caring motherly tone.

Gendo farted in his sleep.

Yui left her husband in bed and left to the kitchen to make his coffee.  The loving smile still gracing the walls and floor as her tender feet treaded the carpet.  It was as if the theme from 'Snow White' followed her wherever she traveled.

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Meanwhile [possibly in an alternate reality]...

"NICOLE!  TURN THAT GODDAMN TV DOWN!"

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Ikari residence...

Yui drifted into the kitchen.  Opening the pantry door, she took out a package of coffee from the box of finely ground chalk.

[You're probably wondering what chalk has to do with coffee.  Well, chalk is made from coffee.  It's genetically modified to taste better.]

She gently placed the filter and emptied the packet into the coffee machine.  A graceful flip of the 'ON' switch, and the process was complete.  Yui stepped over to the refrigerator to get some milk...

And shot through the roof at the site of a penguin sleeping in the Jell-o.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."

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A little later...

The front door exploded revealing a VERY pissed off Yui.  She was breathing heavily and her eyes were glowing red.  In a lightning fast action, she whipped out her M-16 and ran to the kitchen.

"PREPARE TO DIE, BIRD!" She screamed.  Yui clicked off the safety and lined up the sights.  Through the infrared scope, she could see the target slowly creaking out of Jell-o and yawning.

Yui opened fire.

Too bad for poor Yui the kick of the assault rifle caused her to fly backwards into the wall, leaving a neat little trail of levitating bullets.  Hitting the wall made he lose control of the gun, and bullets started flying everywhere.

Among the things that were hit were the coffee machine, all the windows, the cutlery and dishes, a framed cloth saying 'Bless This Home,' and the ceiling fan blades, which spun off the brackets so hard they got embedded into the walls.

Also, a family picture of Yui, Gendo, and Shinji now had a gaping hole where Shinji's head was, and another where Gendo's balls were.

"FUCK!" Yui cursed.  She pulled a broom from the door-less broom closet and charged the fridge.

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Back in bed...

Gendo Ikari moaned as he got up.  His face melted down to the floor, being dragged slowly down by the heavy sacks under his eyes.

He BADLY needed coffee.

Gendo got to his feet and lumbered himself out of the bedroom, dragging his face on the floor.  On his way down the hall, he tripped over his face and fell.  Gathering the tired flesh under his arm, he continued to slouch to the precious coffee machine.

At the end of the hall, he turned the corner to the kitchen and saw his wife watering the flowers.  'Strange...' he thought, 'we don't have flowers in the kitchen.  For that matter, the kitchen isn't the Garden of Eden either.'

Gendo shrugged and lifted up his face to give Yui a peck on the cheek.  "Morning Hon'."  He groaned, and then walked around her to get to his precious coffee machine, and set his face on a shrub shaped like a giraffe.

Taking the mug from the catcher, he used his fingers to open his 'mouth' and pour in the substance.

Instantly, his vision cleared and his face sprung back to his head with a SNAP!  He spit the coffee into the sink.

"Yuck!" he cringed.  "This coffee's cold!"

Now that he could see straight, Gendo began to notice things; like how everything was full of holes, and how Yui was stabbing the fridge with a broom, and in the family picture there was a gaping ole where his crotch used to be.

His balls made a hasty retreat.

Gendo whirled around to face his wife.  "Yui!" he yelled, "What the hell happened here?!"

"There'sapenguininthefridgeanditscaredmethroughtheroofandwhenIgotbackItriedtokillitbutImissedandIaccidentallydestroyedthekitchen!!!"

"..."

"..."

"...Penguin?"

"Yes!  In the fridge!" Yui pointed a quivering finger at the now thoroughly splattered molded happy face of Jell-o.

Gendo looked in the fridge, the penguin-less fridge.  He looked strangely at Yui.  "...Penguin?"

"What?" She asked, and then looked in the fridge.  "WHAT!" Gendo continued to stare at Yui.  "I'm telling you it was in here!"

The TV in the next room turned on.  Yui and Gendo turned their heads to thee doorframe it was coming from.

*PSP*

"HE'S IN THE DEN!" Yui shouted, and bolted for the doorframe.

The sound of a broomstick coming down repeatedly on something screaming "WAARK!" caught Gendo's attention.  He strolled into the den to find Yui beating a penguin over the head.  The penguin was trying to fend her off so it could enjoy its beer in peace.

Gendo looked suspiciously at his coffee.

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Somewhere...

Asuka crawled onto Shinji with a sultry smile on her face.  She positioned herself so that her breasts hung freely before his face.  Shinji reached up to grasp one and used his other arm to pull her down so she rested on him.  He took the other nipple in his mouth and began to suckle on it, swirling his tongue around the sensitive flesh and teasing it with his teeth.

"Do you like that Shinji?" She said.  Her voice had changed.  It was now deeper and soothing.  Shinji released the nipple from his mouth and sat up to kiss her...

And saw his mother staring right back at him.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Shinji bolted upright in bed, knocking his head against Yui's head, which knocked against Gendo's groin, who was standing behind her.  Gendo's balls thought it was not a good day to be attached to this man.

Yui rubbed the back of her head.  Gendo rubbed his sore crotch.  Shinji threw up.

"Shinji, don't wake up like that." Yui said curtly.

"It's YOUR fault!" Shinji shot back, pointing a shaky finger at her.

"Son, I know your mom's hot, but don't point that at her." Gendo motioned to a tent under Shinji's blankets.

"Yak!" Shinji covered up his crotch with a pillow and blushed something awful.

You could say that a tense moment was passing.

Somewhere, a driver's head exploded and his car crashed into a lamppost.

"Shinji," Yui started, "is this your penguin?" Yui held up said penguin by his bushy red eyebrows.

"Hi Pen Pen!" Shinji smiled.

"WAARK!  WAARK!  WAARK!  WAARK!" Pen Pen screamed while clawing at Yui's hand with his flippers and kicking his fins in the air.

"Mom, can you put Pen Pen down?" Shinji said.

"Shinji, you know what we've said about bringing home strange animals." Noted Yui, not paying attention to Pen Pen giving her the 'flipper.'

"No more giraffes?" Gendo asked inquisitively.

"Shut up honey."

"Please can I keep him mommy?  Please, please, please, please, please, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"

"NO!" shouted Yui.

"WAARK." suggested Pen Pen.

"Good idea, Pen Pen." said Shinji.  Pen Pen Whipped out his cell phone and hit speed-dial six.

"WAARK!" the penguin commanded.

*WAARK!* came the reply on the end of the line.

Suddenly, the roof over Shinji's room was torn off revealing a scrawny, two hundred-story monster wearing purple titanium tights and a helmet with a horn.  Yui dropped Pen Pen and scrambled into the corner with Gendo.

"AHH!" screamed Yui.  "It a one-horned, green-eyed, giant, purple people eater!"  A banjo rift sounded.

The beast leered down over the room that was dwarfed by its eyeball.  A tampon-like thingy shot out of the back of the creature's neck, spraying a yellowish, sticky substance all over the house.

Yui tasted some that landed on her thigh.  "MMM!  Honey!"

A rope was tossed out of the tampon, and out climbed another penguin wearing a black tuxedo.  It jumped off of the side and grabbed for the rope.  However, it jumped off of the wrong side and splattered on the floor.  Pen Pen smacked his forehead.

Shinji went to get a bike pump from the broom closet and shove the hose in the mouth of the penguin pancake.

*PUMP* *PUMP* *PUMP* *PUMP*

When the pressure became too great, the penguin balloon's mouth popped open and it started flying around the room.

*FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*

It went up in the air one last time and then fell onto the bed knob, butt-first.

[Just a little note: ouch.]

Shinji walked over and plucked the penguin off of the (heh heh) 'easy home insertion device.'

The penguin in the tuxedo flipped the writer the metaphorical 'bird.'

Mr. Snuffleuppleguss, as we'll now call him, waddled over to Pen Pen and gave a salute.

"WAARK!" commanded Pen Pen.

A file cabinet materialized out of nowhere.  Mr. Snuffleuppleguss reached inside and pulled out a document.  Then Mr. Snuffleuppleguss whipped out some spectacles and waddled over to the folks.

Mr. Snuffleuppleguss cleared his throat.  "I, Ikari Shinji, take on the responsibility to provide a home residence to retired secret agent, Pen Pen.  By signing this document, I understand that my parents have no right to butt-in to my business and that they will be shot on site should they disobey any of these set guidelines by either kidnapping Pen Pen, killing Pen Pen, or making Pen Pen earn his keep.  You are also required to purchase a refrigerator for Pen Pen as personal space.  If said refrigerator cannot be purchased, you are required to have nine cubic feet of free space in your refrigerator with a Jell-o mould at all times."  Mr. Snuffleuppleguss looked up to the parents, "So if you don't like it, WAARK!"

On that note, Mr. Snuffleuppleguss grabbed onto the rope and pulled out a remote.  He hit the button labeled 'REAL IM IN!' and took one last glare at the writer before ascending into his tampon.

Once at the tampon, Mr. SnuffleuppleUPPLEguss reactivated the monster and closed the roof of the house.  A resonating thundering footstep trailed off.

Shinji and Pen Pen turned to Yui and Gendo huddled in the corner.  "So," Shinji smirked, "do we have something to say to poor Pen Pen here?"

Yui and Gendo thought about that for a moment, but in the end, there was only one conclusion they could reach.

"WAARK!" they said in unison.

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A little later...

Pen Pen stared at Yui.  Yui scowled at Pen Pen.  Gendo and Shinji were pretty cold, because Yui blew away half the kitchen.

"I'm going to school, mom." Said Shinji.  "By, dad.  Later Pen Pen!" he scooped up his backpack and ran out the door.

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Outside...

Shinji stepped outside with the biggest smile on his face in... well... a damn long time.  This was of course due to the fact that for the first time in months, he didn't have to wake up to a pissed off redhead.  It's not that Asuka was bad, or bossy, or pushy, or violent, or loud, or self-centered, or annoying... it's just that-.

WHAM!

Shinji was tackled from the side into the flowerbed.  He convulsed as his back hit the dirt.  He looked up to see Asuka rear back with her fist behind her, and beat him like a jackhammer to pudding.  When the punching was over he was nailed in the groin so hard, he flipped over onto his stomach.  Shinji whined in pain and clutched his balls between his legs.  That's when he could feel something digging around in the back of his pants.

"Asuka!  What the fuuuuaaaaAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" he screamed, when he felt his underwear wedge so far up his colon it scraped off about two inches of skin.  Shinji was totally frozen; in a squatting position, clutching his balls, with his ass up in the air.  Asuka pulled his pants off and skipped away with his underwear in hand singing...

"This is the way we walk to school, walk to school, walk to school..."

Shinji was like an ostrich with its head in the ground.  Some kid walking by noticed his doggie style position.

"ALL RIGHT!" Chorused Kaworu.  He started jiggling at his belt.

"YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" screamed Shinji.  His limbs sprung back to life and he bolted in through the door.

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School...

"Alright class." said Misato.  "Today, we're reviewing trig ratios.  Turn to page... he, he, he... sixty-nine in your textbooks."  The class flipped to page... he, he, he... sixty-nine in their textbooks.  Touji flipped to a different page where he had doodled a picture of page... he, he, he... sixty-nine.

Asuka came in the door.  A BIG smile aroused suspicion and she skipped to her desk.

"Nice of you to join us, Ms. Sohryu." curted Misato.  Asuka didn't flinch.  "Take out your textbook and turn to page... ha, ha, ha... sixty-nine."

Asuka took one curios glance at her teacher before sitting down.

*Thump* *Thump* *Thump*

"... What the hell was that?" said Misato.  The class turned their heads to the door.

*Thump* *Thump* *Thump*

The door opened.

"Excuse me, Misato." Said Mr. Fyutsuki, the same Mr. Fyutsuki, the principle.  "I need your assistance around noon.  Don't be late."

*THUMP*

"What the hell was that?" Mr. Fyutsuki started to sweat.

*THUMP* THUMP *THUMP* *THUMP*

Asuka's smile got even bigger when she looked around the principle.

"Mr. Ikari.  I'll be seeing you in my office at lunch too."

"I'M SORRY SIRRRRRRRRR!" said Shinji trough gritted teeth.  "I WAS DELAYYYYYYYED!"  His face looked about ready to burst into flames.  It was redder than the sun, and hotter than red steel.  His entire body was twitching abnormally, and his eyes were glowing.  He turned and stomped into class.

*THUMP* *THUMP* *THUMP* *THUMP*

Every step he took shook the school until he sat down in his desk.

Asuka couldn't have been happier if it was her birthday and she won a trillion yen.  Casually, she leaned over to Shinji.

"Morning baka... sleep well?" she cooed.

Shinji's head burst into flames.

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Lunchtime...

All the students did well to stay out of Shinji's blast radius that day.  He was twitching and convulsing in his seat all morning, meaning that a meltdown was more than imminent.  There had been a few suspicions that he was also causing a low level earthquake.

Of course, Asuka saw this as more than a golden opportunity.  She won a two hundred yen bet to tape a Richter scale to his butt.  This caused Shinji to vibrate even more.

Right now, he was vibrating at his lunch table.  His tray and cutlery was jingling all over the place.  It was annoying, but no one DARED make a point of it.  Even Touji and Kensuke thought it was best that Shinji had some alone time right now.

And there was Asuka, slowly making her way from table to table to get to his empty table.

Shinji knew she was coming.  He could smell that air of arrogance wafting his way.

Closer, and closer, and closer, and closer... until...

"Hey Shinji!" Asuka said in her patented 'good little girl' voice.  "Can I sit here?"

Shinji's head burst into flames again.

"Okay!" she perked, and sat down as close as possible to him without touching him.

She unpacked her lunch wile humming a happy tune to herself.  She knew it was pissing Shinji off even more, and Asuka loved every minute of it.

On the other side of the room, Hikari was waving at Asuka's back, whispering to her to get the hell away from him.

"MMMPH! Yhey, Shinji." Asuka said coyly through a mouthful of noodles.  "Can I have some of that?" Without even waiting for a response, her arm started reaching across to his bread.

That's it...

"NO YOU CAN'T HAVE SOME OF THAT ASUKA!!!"

Shinji bolted up from his seat.  The tabletop broke off from this action and flew across the room, smashing Kensuke in the back of the head.  The pieces of food that used to be on the table were now spinning in the air.  Asuka grabbed for the bread roll and took off for the other side of the room.  Shinji was in hot pursuit.  Not a quarter of a second later, he tackled her from behind and down to the floor.  Shinji grabbed the bread roll and shoved it into his mouth.

"HA!" he shouted in her face, without even chewing or swallowing, and spraying food all over her face.

"EWW!  Get off me, you sicko!" Asuka shouted back at him.  She drew her fist back to punch him, but before she could, Shinji grabbed her wrists and pinned her arms to the ground.  She struggled to get up, but a supercharged Shinji is a difficult force to reckon with.

"GODDAMMIT ASUKA!!!  YOU'RE THE BIGGEST BITCH IN THE WHOLE FRIGGIN' WORLD!!!"

"FUCK YOU SHINJI!"

"FUCK YOU BACK, ASUKA!!!"

"GET OFF OF ME!"

"WHY SHOULD I!?!  YOU DON'T EVER STOP!!!  ALL YOU EVER DO IS BEAT ME UP AND HIDE BEHIND BEING MY FRIEND!!!"

"I am you friend, Shinji!"

"FUCK YOU ASUKA!!!  YOU'RE THE BIGGEST BITCH IN THE WORLD, AND I HATE YOUR FUCKING GUTS!!!"  Shinji quickly got to his feet and pulled Asuka up off the floor.  Then he threw her against the wall as hard as he could.

*SMASH*

Asuka hit the wall and fell to her knees.  Shinji stood over her, proud of his work; it showed when Asuka looked up at him.  She pulled herself up off the floor, gritting her teeth and balling her hands into fists.  The entire class circled around the room, ready for the biggest fight ever.  No sane person could take on Asuka and win, which right now excluded Shinji.

"WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Asuka burst into tears and started crying in her hands.  Shinji was thrown.  Hikari was thrown.  Touji jumped up and shouted "WAY TO GO SHINJI!"  Kensuke would have, but he was unconscious.  The entire class was thrown.

Whatever rage and anger Shinji had in him vanished from existence.  He had never wanted to kick himself more in his life.  All thoughts were replaced with nothing but the crying redhead in front of him.  Then all thoughts were transferred to his aching groin where Asuka kicked him before bolting out the classroom door.

Shinji collapsed to the ground, holding his aching crotch for the second time that day.  Hikari ran to the door after Asuka, but Asuka crashed right back in, tears still in her eyes.  She ran up to Shinji and kicked him in the groin again.  He yelped out in pain and clutched his fingers.  Then Asuka kicked him again in the groin.  Shinji squealed out in pain and clutched his crotch with his feet.  Asuka threw a crumpled up piece of paper at his face and took off out the door again.

Shinji lay on the floor, in great pain of both mind and body as horrible weight barred down upon his shoulders.  The class exchanged scowls of despise for the young Ikari and he quivered, and then retreated to their respective lunch tables.

Shinji groaned as he tried to get up.  Touji ran over to help his friend to his feet

"Alright dude!  It's about time someone handed the goddess of hell what's coming to her."

Shinji didn't say anything to that.  He hobbled over to the ball of paper Asuka had thrown at him and picked it up.  After unfolding it, his world turned upside down.

"Oh, god." He said to himself quietly.

On the other side of the room, a pair of eyes that witnessed the event felt pity to the young Ikari.

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The office...

"This is the third time you and Ms. Sohryu have disrupted class this week Mr. Ikari!  I'm beginning to think you two are in dire need of a long overdue expulsion!" the principal boomed.

"I'm sorry Mr. Fyutsuki.  It won't happen again."

"The only reason I couldn't kick you two out of here before was because you two were doing well enough academically, but now, your grades have started to slip."

"If you aren't able to control yourselves from now on," Misato continued, "you two are gone."

"I'm sorry sir, but right now, all I can do is apologize." Shinji pleaded.

"That's not good enough young man!" shouted the principal.  "I'm issuing that the both of you are to be suspended for the rest of the week!"

"Huh?"

"That's right.  We've already called your parents.  They'll be here to pick you up shortly." Misato said.

Shinji sulked in his chair as Misato and the principal towered over him.  His day had hit rock bottom, and the people up top had no more shovels.  Feeling he had nothing left to lose, Shinji welled up his courage to ask the question his mind had been nagging him about in the back of his head.

"Ms. Katsuragi, can I ask you something?"

"What is it?"

"What was that piece of paper Asuka gave you yesterday?"

"That's none of your business, Shinji." Misato said curtly.

"I'm sorry ma'am." Shinji apologized.

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The car...

The trip home was silent.  Shinji wasn't fortunate enough to have his parents turn on the radio.  Instead, he concentrated on the piece of crumpled paper he held in his hands.

A picture of him slipping the meat to his Misato blow-up doll.

"What's that Shinji?" Gendo asked.

"Nothing!" Shinji gasped.  He hid the picture in his pocket before his mother could get a look too.

TO BE CONTINUED...

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AUTHOR'S NOTES:

As a response to my reviewers, I think I've pretty much topped the last two.  GOD!  It feels so good to FINALLY establish a plot!

I'm sorry to say that I have to take a break from this fic for a bit.  Fear not!  The next chapter should be out within a month at least.  But unless I do something about those two other posters that SAY I'm writing fics, you guys might stop coming.

Thank you for your support.

Many thanks to Weltall Elite.

vicil2000@hotmail.com or vicil2000@evangelion.com