Evangelion Fan Funny Chapter 4: God man, you're screwed...

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I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion or episode 26.

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Warning: I've been told that this fic is sexist, racist, violent, and FUBAR.  I've also been told to keep up the good work.

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Warning: This is the first last and only time I will warn you that this fic contains spoilers and references to EoE and the series.  You'll probably want to read them.  I always do.

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Part 2: It's Been a While

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A lonely boy sat in a sandbox.  The other children had already long since left for home.  Like sands through the hourglass, time moved on around the boy.  He couldn't have been more than four years old, and yet, the sorrows of his life haunted him much like an adult.  His social skills were nil because he had recently moved here.  He sat in a corner, curled up in a ball.  His short and scruffy hair gave no release to the breeze blowing by, as if it too were too nervous to move or acknowledge anything's presence.  It was a hot day, but the young boy had grown up wearing heavy clothing.  He was as proper as his parents had taught him to be.  Mostly, he looked like a satirical tomboy who waits on adults for attention, but often he had been too shy to accept it.  He was dressed in a little, brown wool sweater over his little, white formal shirt with little summer shorts and little formal shoes to complete the attire.

But much like any young boy, he disliked his responsibility to his parents.  He always had to act good for the parents that live vicariously through their growing boy.  Such great expectations in this day and age were becoming a horrible burden on him.  They always kept him on the run in Kyoto.  They always bought him confusing plastic books instead of the cool video game all the other kids had.  He loved his parents, very dearly, but they made him miserable.  All because he was able to grasp language at and 'earlier than average' age.

A certain happiness was invoked when the two young children invited him to help him finish their pyramid.  It was a good feeling to be playing with kids again.  The small amount of friends he had was left behind in Kyoto.  It didn't matter that they were the weird outsiders of the other community.  They would play with a proper, geek-boy; and that made that little boy happy.

This little boy was happy to be there.  This little boy named Shinji.

He was, however, speculative of how the children weren't helping him with the construction of their model.  He had been doing all the work himself for about three hours while the other two just sat there, hunched over.  Their weird glassy and porcelain features just sort of...

Another group of people walking by shook their heads in pity at the young boy playing with dolls.

But, sadly, when the two young children went home with their mother... somehow... young Shinji was left with nothing to do but finish building it on his own.  It angered him when he was finished because he had been doing it all along.  So, with several swift kicks, the model was demolished.  Left in its place was just a well shaped, lump of sand the young Shinji stood over.

Guilt washed over him.  That he should destroy something he had no right to destroy.  It was not his property to wreck.  It was dependant on him to keep it in shape.  That he destroyed it proved him to be a monster.  Guilt was the only thing that the newly rebuilt pyramid stood on.

So now, the young boy sat in the corner of the sandbox, surveying his work.  It was not as magnificent as the previous model.  This one was built more quickly and sloppy.  Its edges were chipped and rounded, and small wet dots encircled the structure of sand.  Tears that the young boy was trying to hold back.

Not far away, another troubled soul hung low in the setting sun.  On the swaying swing perched a little girl.  She was like a hawk, still and silent; yet, small and scared, like a puppy separated from her litter.

Small and scared...

Still and silent...

Nervous and alone...

She was roughly four years old also.  Her red locks of hair hung down her back and swayed in the light wind like the vines of a willow tree.  Her little hands grasped small bundles of her little green dress as if she would fall forever if she let go.  Her tiny feet, hugged by her warm, tiny sandals hung freely above the dip in the dirt under the swing.  Sort of like a pendulum, she swayed, ever so slightly; and if you were to look closely, you could see tiny little tears just begging to escape.

Someone had stolen her lollipop.

Lost, they were.  Happiness had chosen to hide from fate that day.  The two children in the playground were just fate's first victims.  Knowing of each other only seemed to add to their depression.  They were nervous to ask for a playmate in their hour of need.  Time was all the more urged to slow down to observe these two children with an invisible wall between them.  It wanted to help them break down the wall and experience this thing called happiness.  It was not unachievable to them.  They would just have to overcome the fear holding them back.  Chains are only as strong as their weakest link.

So time slowed down for them.  The sun set slowly.  The wind stood still.  Just for them.  The animals paid close attention and waited patiently.  Waited for fate to move on and allow happiness to peek out from its hiding place.  And so it did.

Fate's tireless dark cloud above the two children passed on to the next poor victim.  But even as poor little Kensuke broke out in acne, it was known that happiness filled any void fate left behind.  Happiness glistened over the children of fate, and they felt warmer.

Eat your heart out Walt Disney.

Time kept its watchful eye on the children and they nervously glanced at each other, thinking the other wasn't looking.  Their tears were now dry and gone.

And finally, they got bored.

Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrred...

They got really bored.

REALLY bored.

They were quite bored.

They got so bored they started counting the dust flakes in the air.

They got so bored they started sniffing their fingers.

So bored, they started getting an uncomfortable itch in their butts.

So bored, they started imitating their parent's morning routine.

Very bored.

So bored, the writer decided to continue the story.

Finally, the boredom reached its peak, and tumbled all the way down to the children.

"Hey," said the little girl to young Shinji, breaking the silence, "will you push me on the swing?"  Suddenly, it was as if the last twenty-years-in-a-minute had vanished.  Shinji was scared again.  The new disturbance had reawakened the boy's defenses.  All he did was flinch a bit at her voice.

[The more things change.]

"Excuse me," reiterated the little red head, trying to be polite, "will you please push me on the swing?"  Shinji tried to ignore the girl.  His defenses could not be penetrated by a simple 'please' push me on the swing.  A simple please wouldn't send him back to his old place of comfort.  "Please push me on the swing?" repeated the little girl, starting to get slightly agitated by the boy's lack of response.  Still, the object of her attention wouldn't yield.  "Please?" she said.  It still wouldn't come.  "Excuse me."  No response.  "Can you push me?"  Still none.  "Can you hear me?"  Nope.  "Hello?"  Nada.  "HEY YOU STUPID BAKA!  PUSH ME ON THE STUPID SWING BEFORE I KICK YOU IN THE PEE-PEE!"

THERE we go...

Shinji's defenses shut down to 'patrol guard' and his survival instinct charged out of the gates full ahead.  Shinji leapt to his feet and was behind the pissed off red head faster than you can say 'mud.'  With lightning quick action, he placed his two shaky hands on her rear, not thinking too clearly, and pushed as hard as he could.

For exactly two cycles, the girl spun all the way around the hanging bar before falling into a nice, smooth, pendulum-like motion, with Shinji nervously behind her, hoping she didn't feel that.

For the next two hours/minutes, they played like all normal children would.  Like a little boy pushing a little girl on the swing.  Of course they were nervous, playing with a stranger, but it was what the elements had in store for them.  What they hoped for.  A little of that wonderful thing called 'happiness.'  Nervous Shinji was even able to let himself go to the laughter and fun.  Fun like running under her while he pushed her.  Fun like jumping off the swing on the next pass.

*WHAM*

The little girl catapulted herself off of the swing, her arms and legs outstretched in a gleeful leap in the air.  She collided with Shinji's head, and they crashed to the ground.  The little girl rolled to a stop, leaving poor Shinji flattened in the sand with is arms and legs sprawled out.

A voice.

"Ow!  Pervert!  You hit me in my most private spot!"

Reality snapped back to Shinji.  He was now aware of the rapidly approaching rumble in the soil under him.  He shifted his attention to the girl, and found the source of the rumble.  With haste, Shinji got to his feet and did the only thing he thought to do at the moment.

He ran for the sake of his dear, sweet life.

The girls menacing, leer accompanied the outstretched arms and the blurry feet as she treaded after the bug that absolutely must be squished.

"Help meee!  Help meee!" squealed Shinji as he rocketed and weaved around the playground in a desperate attempt to get away from the hell beast.  HER FANGS WERE DRIPPING ACID!  Shinji made a last ditch effort.  He headed to the docks.  Then stupidly, he ran to the end of the peers.  Then stupidly, he looked back, and was tackled from behind.

Down!  Down they fell!  A whole five feet!

*SPLASH*

Shinji struggled free and charged to the surface, the girl right on his heels.  'Swim!  Swim!  Get away!' shouted his brain.  He pushed hared and broke the surface with a mighty standing up on his feet.  Instinctively he started wading to the surface, but then the girl broke surface.  He couldn't wade fast enough in the water.  The menace started gaining.  'YAHHH!' he screamed inwardly.  He started splashing the water insanely, trying to fend her off.  She shielded herself as water rained down on her.  Shinji's desperate floundering intensified as he saw it was working, when all of the sudden, he was tapped on the shoulder!  He spun to his right to see whom it was, and was tackled from the right by a pissed off red ball of wet hair.

*SPLASH*

"ARGH!" Shinji screamed as he broke water.  He grabbed her around the waist and swung her around, throwing her off him.

*SPLASH*

"Yes!" Shinji cheered and spun around to make his escape.

*THUNK*

Shinji slammed into a support post, headfirst.

"Ouch." He said as he rubbed his head.  Suddenly, he was tackled yet again into the water.  Shinji's thoughts were non-existent as he fought for dear life.  He felt an intense sensation reverberating though his armpits as he was smacked against the shore, then he started laughing like there was no tomorrow.  "HEY!  HAHAHA!  QUIT IT!  HA!  STOP!  HAHAHA!  THAT!  HA! TICKLES! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  The girl above him tickled him relentlessly as he squirmed under her and squealed like a girl.

"Asuka!  What are you doing?!" came a voice from above.

The tickling stopped.

Chance.

Shinji rolled over the girl onto the soil and gave back the torture.  She started laughing like a hyena under him as he straddled her.  Suddenly he felt a hand encircle his arm and yank him off of his victim.

"STOP!" shouted the voice.

Shinji snapped back to consciousness.  Holding onto his arm was an adult woman in her thirties with red hair, and she was pissed.  Her voice was commanding and authoritative.  Shinji scrunched up into a ball.

"We were just playing mama!" said the little girl.

"Hey, fucking check it out man.  Fuck, there's a bunch of fucking kids in the fucking cannal."

The three turned their heads to the sound of the voice.

"Ho-ly shit.  Fuck, what the fucking hell should we fucking do, fuck."

"I know, a little reverse-action."

A low humming of a boat propeller cutting through water started quickly approaching.

FLASH!

Shinji stood outside Asuka's house.  His hand nervously twitched at his side as its other reached for the doorbell.

*BING* *BONG*

And that was it.  The first step was taken.  He was so anxious.  He had just gotten home not too long ago, and since Asuka was not around for the verbal beating, he would be the one to present the news of the suspension.  Asuka was not answering the phone, and Mrs. Sorhyu wasn't letting him talk either.  This was it.  It had to be done.  Of course, the suspension was far from Shinji's mind.

Why the picture?  Why the picture?  Why had she kept the picture?  A million things flashed through his head the last night.  Many of which made him touch himself anon.

The door opened.

Asuka has melted!

"AHH!" Shinji screamed at his deformed ex-companion.

"Ahh." screamed Asuka through her gums.

"AHH!" screamed Shinji even louder.

"Mom!" yelled Kyoko.  "Mom!  Mom.  How many times have I told you to wear clothes when you answer the door."

"Come her, boy, I'll gum ya."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Shinji shot out of there like fart from a mules butt!

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The Next Day [possibly in an alternate reality]...

Mork's on.  Scroll down.

Hehehe... nanu nanu... hahaha.

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Sorhyu residence...

Asuka set fire to her precious undies through squinted tears.

"Why, you bastard?  Why?  Why did you deny it when it was so close to break free anon?  WHY?!  Am I so stupid to drive you away for eternity?  AM I SUCH A BAKA THAT I WILL REJECT YOU FOREVER?!  DAMN YOU, PRIDE!  ASSHOLES DO VEX ME!!!"  She thrust the undies to the sky.  "You cannot forgive me?  You cannot be with me?  I will not be with you?  DAMN YOU SHINJI!!!"

"Asuka!"

Asuka spun around.

Shinji!

"Shinji!" Asuka screamed.  She grabbed him by the crotch of his pants and threw him threw the second floor wall of her bedroom.

"AHH!"  Shinji covered his face as he flew out the house.

"PERVERT!" Asuka boomed.

"Never mysteriously appear in a naked red head's room while she's burning a pair of your skid mark underpants."

Pen Pen followed Shinji out the hole in the wall via pissed off redhead's fist.

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Next day...

Shinji walked up to the door once again.

Yes...

The door...

So far in the last three days, he has seen red head cry, a naked senior citizen, and a naked Asuka burning his underpants.  Yet somehow, that last one sort of wipes out all the sadness he's ever experienced.

*BING* *BONG*

The door opened.

Shinji shielded himself.

"Hello, Shinji."

Shinji peaked out to see Kyoko.  *WHEW*

"Hi Mrs. Sorhyu.  Can I talk to Asuka?" Shinji said, lowering his guard.  She looked behind the door for a moment.  After mumbling something and shaking her head, Kyoko rolled her eyes and faced Shinji.

"Sorry Shinji, Asuka isn't home." She huffed.  Shinji pushed on the door.  It slammed against something on the other side that said, "Ouch!"  Suddenly a foot erupted through the wood and nailed Shinji square in the balls.  His legs were suddenly a lot longer.

"Okay." Shinji squeaked in a more girlish voice than ever.  "Can you tell her that we're suspended until the end of the week?"

"It's Saturday, Shinji." Kyoko retorted.

"Can I go home now?" Shinji squeaked.  A fist exploded through the door and sent him on his way.

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Elsewhere...

Rei was just walking, minding her own business, listening to a Dennis Miller rant; when suddenly, a body fell out of the sky, and landed on her.  The echo of the 'SPLAT' was heard from two meters around her just as the sound of 'Course, this is just my opinion, I could be wrong.' echoed in her earphones.

Now, Rei is mostly pretty considerate of others, but Shinji saw her panties without the aid of a Ruffee and that left her pretty pissed off about the thought of his existence.  Him being the guy who fell on her heightened that level of anger-generated heat.  So it was completely understandable that she called him a pervert and pounded his ass well into the ground.

"Ouch." He stated, and then fell unconscious.

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Sunday...

Gendo sat in his office, waiting loyally for the arrival of his boss.  For some reason he did not know, he sat in a sinister looking position that made him look like he was plotting something... sinister.

A little red cartoon character scuffed by the door.  Since none of you have seen him, picture the devil in the most half assed caricature you've ever seen with a floating mouth.

"Morning D." Gendo hollered from his desk.

"S'up Gendo?" called back the little sucker as he trotted into Gendo's office with a decaf in hand.

"Just thinking." responded Gendo.

"Bout Shinji and the redhead right?" asked D.

"Yup." responded Gendo.

"I think there's trouble ahead for those two." said D.

"What does god have in store for them?" pondered Gendo to himself.

"All I know is that Vicil has to screw around with them so he can flush out the story." D interjected.

"Where is he anyway?" asked Gendo.

"Over there." D pointed to a dark corner.

"God dammit, D!  I told you not to do that if you make an appearance!" shouted the writer.

"I'm sorry!  I'm sorry!  Please don't send me back!  It won't happen again!  I promise." Pleaded D.

"Too bad!" shouted the writer.  D exploded all over the room in a shower of candy corn.  Gendo scooped up what could have been D's intestines and started munching.

"Can you bring him back tomorrow?" said Gendo.  "I need some help with the vending machine again."

"I'm not helping you steal from the vending machine, Gendo." Said the writer.

"Come on, man!  He's the only one that has the cartoon-ish abilities to stretch his arms." Whined Gendo.

"He's a figment of MY imagination, and he's going to stay put." Grunted the writer.  Gendo thought for a moment then came up with the answer.

"He could help you screw around with Shinji and Asuka." Gendo smiled.  The writer grunted.  "And you can use him to do your dirty work." Added Gendo.  The writer at first though it a bad idea, but then came around instantly at the thought of all the fun he could have.  The little cartoon character re-materialized out of the candy corn (minus a small bite from his tail).

"D!" the writer shouted.  D snapped to attention.  "I want you to organize all the used adult, baby, and animal diapers by the total weight of feces in each one from largest to smallest."

"WHAT?!  WHY?!" shouted D.

"For my amusement.  Then you will proceed to this residence and put in a good word for me."  D's floating mouth dropped to the ground as Vicil showed him a picture of Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Fyutsuki burst into the office, heaving his breath like he was having a heart attack.

"Morning, boss." Gendo greeted.  Fyutsuki collapsed.

And awkward silence...

"Hoo boy.  Maybe I souldn't have made him the principal." Said the writer.

"OF COURSE, YOU DUMBASS!  HE'S AN OLD MAN!  HE CAN'T HANDLE TWO JOBS!" roared D.

"Just for that, you must go into a biker bar and say 'Harley Davidson sucks'." The writer snapped.  D turned red hot, and set the floor on fire.  Gendo grabbed his unconscious boss and headed for the door.

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The city dump...

Shinji woke up groggier than he'd ever been in his life.  It took him a bit to get his bearings before he realized where he was.  Specifically, he tripped and fell into a stack of diapers.

"FUCK!" shouted a little red pile of bruises and swollen, floating lips.

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The door...

*BING* *BONG*

Kyoko opened the door.  Shinji stood, tall and pissed.

"Is Asuka home, Mrs. Sorhyu?" Shinji said through gritted teeth, then spit out a banana peel.

"Sorry, Shinji.  Asuka's not home." Kyoko replied

"Well, if you see her," said Shinji, "could you tell her that SHE SUCKS!"

The kitchen exploded in flames and Asuka came charging around the corner, ready to kill.  She neared the door and leapt at Shinji.

"DIE, YOU IMPOTENT PRICK!!!" She screamed.  Shinji held up a piece of paper.  Asuka stopped in mid air with the sound of burning rubber.  "Uh, M-Mom, could you give us a minute?" she said, as a comically sized sweat drop rolled down the side of her face.  Kyoko left without a word, not even wondering why the hell Shinji was showing Asuka a picture of him fucking a blow up doll.

TO BE CONTINUED...

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AUTHOR'S NOTES:

If anyone knows about Otakusadist, you would know he is a Rei fan.  I too know, now all too well, that he is a stubborn Rei fan.  I'm sorry man, but the way you treat people is appalling.  He got all pissed off because I stated that a retarded monkey could write a Rei fic.  However, I do apologize for all the bullshit I put him through.

You know, I'll stand by that until I finish it.  And then I'll still stand by it.  I'm writing something called 'Restoration of the Soul.'  It's a fic where I insert a character and he fucks with her life.  It's the hardest way to right a Rei fic because this way, I can keep people in character.

You see, people, Rei fics are really easy to write.  She has emotion, but she doesn't know how to use them.  In hundreds of Rei fics I read, either she or Shinji nervously say something that wasn't said in the series and instantly, an unbreakable bond is welded between them that the gods themselves cannot break.  The only Rei fic, I repeat, the ONLY Rei fic I've read where Rei doesn't get Shinji is 'The One I Love Is' and why not?  If Shinji's going to get Asuka, Shinji has to deal with conflicting 'working' emotion.  As shitty as it was, I thank Alain Gravel for the being the only one to provide us with that.  But that doesn't mean I like Alain Gravel.  I have a beef with him for writing 'I Used To Love Her' and my buddy Weltall shares the same beef.  Gravel went over the line with that one.

You see I despise the use of OOC, in Asuka OR Rei fics.  The worst Asuka fic I've ever read is "Child of Love," no, anything by Axel Terizaki.  The worst Rei fic I've read is "Touch" by Random 1357.  This is why I only write continuation fics.  Nothing definite has happened and the world is your oyster.  STILL!  No one pays attention enough to the series.  Not one story I've read yet, that has a happy ending, pays enough attention to the series to write it properly.  In too many continuation fics, Asuka and Shinji die, or the end of the world didn't happen.  And in one fic, Rei is on the shore with him.  Yet every time in the alternate universe, everything is written word for word until they can go nuts.  I use EFF so I can do that, BUT I STILL PAY ATTENTION TO THE SERIES!

Well I've had it up to the top of Mt. Everest with these screw-ups and OOC's

If you want to write a serious Rei fic, use the alternate universe.  If you want to write a serious continuation fic, read this:

1) The WORLD has ended.  Not just Japan.  Cross-shaped explosions engulfed the whole thing.

2) Asuka and Shinji hate each other.  If it's going to be a love story, skip ahead two years or give it some time before they fall head over heals in love.  For them to survive, there's bomb shelters for them to live in, canned food for them to eat, plenty of stuff for them to burn, and PAY ATTENTION TO THE ARGUMENTS IN THAT EPISODE TO DEVELOPE THE PLOT.  There are hundreds of pounds of ideas in them.

3) Asuka is on the shore, not Rei.

4) Humanity can come back, but VERY slowly, probably at a rate of two hundred per year, worldwide (Two hundred tops every year.  That's about one every year for every country).

5) Asuka and Shinji DON'T want to die.  Asuka doesn't want to die, and Shinji wouldn't have come back if he did.

6) None of the Eva's can come back.

7) Asuka and Shinji did not wake up on the shore.  Shinji surfaced from the sea of LCL in front of Rei's head.  And since Asuka was unconscious before Shinji started to strangle her, Shinji would have had to find her floating in the sea, and drag her to shore.

If you want some help, I'll be your pre-reader.  You can send me the web address before you link it to your web site, or send it to me as an attachment in e-mails.

Many thanks to Weltall Elite.

vicil2000@hotmail.com or vicil2000@evangelion.com