Evangelion Fan Funny
Chapter 5: NERV Takes A Holiday
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I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion or episode 26.
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WARNING: Sexist, racist, violent, blah... Let's just say don't let your kids read it. Yeah, go let them watch that porn. You come here and succumb to my will.
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There's no devil; it's just god when he drinks.
One day, God was drunk off his ass, and he accidentally created a seventeen-year-old prick that took control over his own imaginary universe.
It's down there.
Let's check it out...
...
Oh, no. You can't leave until I say so.
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Part 3: Caught Between A Rock And Something Long And Hard
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Sohryu residence...
"So... Why are you covered in shit, Shinji?" Asuka nervously said while quivering on the sofa. Shinji suddenly grew a lot taller. Either that or she shrunk to the size of a pea.
"Wouldn't you like to know..." Shinji scowled back.
"Eep!" Asuka squeaked.
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Ayanami residence...
Rei let her last piece of clothing fall to the floor, then grabbed some towels from the linen closet and proceeded across the room. She had to get a shower after dragging the pervert to the dump. She held onto the linens with both hands as she passed the toilet and neared the door. Her breasts were bouncing with every step. Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bounce – Rei stopped when she got to the shower door.
Aww poo.
Rei pushed the button for the sliding glass door. It rolled open and she stepped inside.
Hey, wait a sec. Why did she take the towels?
The writer entered the shower through the wall [I can do that]. "What the fu- where did she go?" All of a sudden, the water turned on. The writer stood still as he got drenched. What showed on his face was not something kids should see. He sniffed his armpit, and then he sighed. "Aww, fuck it." Vicil took the soap off of the shelf and started to strip.
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Beverly hills...
*BING* *BONG*
"Now who could that be." Said Freddy Prince Jr. He strutted up to the door in a manly-man way. At the door was a midget in a black trench coat and detective-like hat. "Can I help you?"
"Is the lady of the house home?" said the midget.
"No," Freddy retorted, "is there something I can do?"
"Mr. Prince, this is of the utmost importance." Said the midget.
"Who are you?" Stated Freddy, throwing a little venom in his voice.
"Just call me Shorty. And give that to your boss." Said the little sucker.
"Okay I will." Freddy retorted. The little guy walked away. Freddy stayed at the door. The midget came back and handed Freddy a note from his pocket. "Thank you." Said Freddy with his movie star smile.
"Yeah." replied the midget nervously.
"You know that she's my fiancé, right." Said Freddy.
"Trust me, Mr. Prince," responded Shorty, "You better stay the fuck away from her, now."
"Kay." Freddy closed the door. Shorty stood there for a moment, and then breathed a sigh of relief.
"Boy, that was easier than I thought!" he said before he tossed away his trench coat and hat. D strutted down the walkway to the front gate. A hulk in a black suit walked up to him. "High, uh..." D looked at the guy's name-tag, "Jimmy the Fish... uh, oh." Jimmy smiled evilly.
D spent the next several hours having assorted car parts shoved up his ass by a polite Italian security guard.
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Suzahara residence...
Touji Suzahara...
A normal, fourteen-year-old boy...
He has grown up in Tokyo-3 with his ever-long friend, Kensuke Aida, and an old, new friend from Kyoko, Shinji Ikari. But now, a fate worse than death is going to hit him like a ton of bricks. Something so far out of his control that his only course of action will be to submit to his new enemies will; and this enemy's name is...
Puberty...
"Touji, you're a stupid, ignorant pig and you smell!" Shouted Hikari from outside his house as she passed by.
'Whoa... Hikari's awesome...' thought Touji as he gazed longingly out the window. He turned back to his TV show and slowly slouched into the sofa so that he could see straight down his body.
"AHH!!! MOM!!! THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY PANTS!!!"
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Sohryu residence...
Asuka was sweating uncontrollably. Shinji loomed over her. The light in the ceiling was keenly positioned behind his head making his features unrecognizable. He leaned down so he could continue his intimidation. She tried to escape from her imprisonment on the sofa by scooting around him, but Shinji smacked his arm on the back of the couch, boxing her in on the side by his arm and the armrest.
"Whacha doin' with the picture, Asuka?" he grunted.
"What picture?" she retorted nervously.
A film noir spotlight clicked on above Shinji. He stood up straight and looked at me.
"Oh, I knew she was nervous. I made her that way. But I had to find out what was going on. Why did she have the picture? What did she give Misato? And most importantly, what was she doing with my underpants?"
Shinji returned to his looming position and the spotlight went off.
"You know what I'm talkin' about, Asuka. Whacha been doin' with a picture of me fuckin' a rubber blow up Miasto?" he grunted back at her.
The spotlight clicked on again. Asuka slid between Shinji's legs, looked at his ass, and stepped into the spotlight.
"Oh, I knew what he was diggin' at, but how did he get his hands on it? He had me on the spot. But I knew if I kept playin' dumb, he'd give it up. He always does."
Asuka slid back into position and the spotlight went off.
"I don't know nothin!'" Asuka spit back.
"Oh yeah?" growled Shinji
"Yeah..." snarled Asuka.
"If two trains [insert typical math equation that has been used in every movie and TV show known to man] collide?" Shinji lashed.
Asuka paused for a moment. "The backseat of a pimp's car under a collapsed bridge in downtown New York on the corner of 26th and 48th at 1:28 AM, June 1st, 2017."
"HA!" Shinji cheered victoriously.
The spotlight went back on. Asuka stepped into it.
"Damn. He got me again. How did he do that? Does he possibly have the ability to read minds? I'm going to have to use something drastic. Logic."
Spotlight off.
"So what if I know the fundamental principles of... that? What does that have to do with anything?" Asuka shot back.
"Don't stray from the subject at hand. And while we're at it, what were you doing with my underpants?" Shinji growled.
Spotlight on. Asuka.
"Oh, no! He's found out about the undies! I can't let him know anymore!"
Spotlight off.
"I don't know what you're takin' bout, Shinji!" Asuka shouted.
Spotlight on. Shinji.
"She's playin' hardball, alright. But I wouldn't let her go until all the questions were answered."
Asuka sprayed Shinji in the face with some kind of pink smoke. Shinji fell to the floor, unconscious. Asuka stepped into the spotlight.
"That'll teach him to use a comedy device."
Asuka grabbed his legs and dragged him into the darkness.
Kyoko stepped into the spotlight
"I have no idea what to do about dinner. The kitchen has burned down."
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The park...
Kensuke waited patiently for Touji to come. He had sounded so psychotic on the phone, so he figured it was important.
"Kensuke!" Shouted a voice behind him. Kensuke spun around to find none other than Hikari. "Where the hell is Touji?!"
"What are you doing here, Hikari?" Kensuke asked.
"Never mind!" shot back Hikari. "Where, the fuck, is Touji?!"
"Kensuke!" shouted Touji. Kensuke spun around to Touji.
"What, Touji? What?" Kensuke shouted.
"Kensuke, something strange is happening to my body!" screamed Touji in distress.
Kensuke whipped out a ball glove, ready to catch the alien the second it popped out of his friend's chest. "Don't worry buddy, I'll get him!"
Touji smacked Kensuke. "Not that, dumb-ass! Whenever I look at Hikari, something pokes out of my pants!" He started jiggling his belt. "I'll show you!"
"AHH!!!" Kensuke's eyes burst into flames and all of his pimples exploded at once. Hikari got aroused. Then she realized she was staring and kicked it. Touji decided against moving for a while, however, Hikari though Touji still had something to learn from this experience. She proceeded to bludgeon him into the grass.
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Somewhere dark...
Shinji awoke like he did every morning: from sleep. His vision was blurry; his muscles were tired; and he would have been hard, but he didn't have to pee. Also it was cold.
"Brrr." he winced as a cold chill ran up his back. He attempted to reach for the covers, but he felt a pressure on his wrist restrain his hand. Shinji blinked a few times and tried to focus in the darkness. He used his other hand to feel it out, but it was restrained as well. He looked at it but he couldn't see in the darkness. He tried to struggle, but he found all of his limbs to be restrained. "What the..."
A spotlight went on above him. He looked himself over...
Shinji was naked and handcuffed to a cold metal plank welded to a circular stand bolted to the floor. Above him were a circle of surveillance cameras and a robot with a camera talking dirty to him and snapping pictures.
"Oh yes, baby. Give it to me now." It said through its synthetic voice box. *CLICK* *CLICK* *CLICK*
"DWAHH!" Shinji squealed. He hid his shame between his legs.
Another spotlight went on, revealing a high monolith with some kind of a terminal at the top. A lone, tiny figure at the top stepped up to the balcony overlooking Shinji. It pushed a button. Suddenly, the robot was sucked into a hole in the wall.
"Yeah, baby. Yeah." was its final message.
"Thank you!" Shinji shouted to the top of the monolith.
"Hmm. No, that won't do." Murmured the mysterious figure at the top. It pressed another button. Suddenly, a ray gun flew out of the darkness and pointed straight at 'little Shinji.' The plank jutted up perpendicular to the ground.
"What the hell are you doing?!" Shinji screamed. The ray gun started to charge. "NOOOOO!" Shinji screamed. The ray gun blasted the little guy. "AHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Shinji screamed, yet again.
'Little Shinji' doubled in size.
"ALL RIGHT!" Shinji cheered at his brand new ten inches. The robot crawled out of the hole and held up its camera. Shinji thrust out his pelvis. *CLICK*
"Excellent." Said the figure at the top. It flipped a switch. Suddenly, a burst of smoke flared up. When it dissipated, the figure was gone. There was an enormous *CLANK* and then a *WHIRRRRR...*
The sound started increasing. Shinji followed it with his ears down the tower as the spotlight slid slowly down the side. The light stopped on Shinji's floor, revealing a reinforced steel door.
It opened.
A cloud of mist flooded out of the entry then began casually floating around him. An eye materialized out of the mist and winked at him. Suddenly, the figure burst through the eye gagging for breath and flailing its arms before collapsing on the floor.
Prolonged silence...
Another poor soul's head exploded and he crashed a plane full of screaming passengers into a mountain...
The figure, shadowed by the mist, snapped to its feet. The mist got out of the way.
Asuka stood proudly with widespread legs and her hands on her hips. She puffed out her chest, which not only complimented the tight fitting red-rubber PJ's that made her boobs look bigger, but made her boobs look bigger.
"Asuka, HELP!" Shinji shouted, being as stupid as ever.
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Katsuragi residence...
Like in Rei's bathroom, Vicil got drenched when he went to see why Misato disappeared behind the sliding glass door with towels in hand.
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In the dark place...
"Shinji," Asuka said, "You have stumbled onto something beyond your comprehension. I'm afraid I cannot risk you having further involvement."
"Huh?" Shinji said confused.
Another spotlight went on above a toilet in the corner. "Oh for god sake!" It shouted.
"DWAHH!" Shinji screamed.
Asuka smacked him. "Enough with the 'DWAHH'S' moron!"
"Shut up, both of you!" rasped the toilet.
"Asuka, if you would just tell Shinji that you're..."
*BLAM*
"SHUT UP, AUDIENCE!" Asuka screamed, clutching an oozy. Absolute silence followed. Asuka tossed the gun aside with satisfaction. "Mr. SEELE, please continue."
"Thank you." Said the toilet. "Shinji!"
"Uh, yes, Mr., uh, toilet-man?" Shinji stammered.
"TALK TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE..."
Shinji paused for a moment to comprehend that a toilet just said that to him. "Uh... Well, I just want to know what Asuka gave Misato on Tuesday if she gave me the picture."
"What?! I didn't give you that!" Asuka shouted.
"Yes you did. You crumpled it up and threw it at me." Shinji retorted. Asuka was about to counter, but she remembered what happened three months/five days ago, and smacked herself on the forehead.
"It was an apology note from her mother for the fight on Monday." Said the toilet.
"What? That's it?" shouted everybody in the audience.
"Yeah! Stupid!" shouted Asuka.
Shinji paused again. "I guess that's understandable... but that's what makes it all..."
"Normal?" interjected the toilet.
"Yeah..." said Shinji.
A shiver ran up everyone's spine.
"Quick!" said Weltall, "We need something stupid!"
Asuka pounced on Shinji and gave him the best hand-job he's ever had.
"No! Not yet!" shouted the writer. Asuka reluctantly hopped off Shinji. Shinji whined.
A troll lumbered out of the darkness, set down his hammer, pulled out a newspaper and sat on the toilet. "A little privacy please?" The spotlight above the throne of the soul went off.
The sound of a lot of muscle straining could be heard followed by a brown fog...
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Usagi's shower...
"You know... I'm starting to suspect this thing's slipping through my fingers." Vicil said as he stood in a running shower with no Sailor Moon, who, coincidentally, did not take towels in with her.
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Wendy's...
D hobbled up to the fast food restaurant clerk. "Excuse me, can you tell me why the washrooms are locked?" he asked the pizza-faced kid.
"Washroom's are for paying customers only." The kid honked through his asthma-infested nose.
"Since when?!" D shouted.
"Since some guy dumped a burger from Arby's down the toilet. We're still trying to flush out that... that... tha..." the kid took a joint from his inhaler, "that stall."
"*SIGH* Fine! I'll have a coke and a spicy-chicken sandwich!" D rasped.
"You want fries with that?" said that clerk
"No." D grunted.
"If you get the fries, it's a dollar off the combo." pried the kid.
"JUST GIVE ME MY MOTHER FUCKIN' BURGER!!!" D screamed.
The entire restaurant went silent. Two babies started to cry and one little boy said, "Mommy, can I haves a 'mother fuckin' burger?"
"Uh, a coke and a spicy-chicken?" winced the clerk.
"Yeah." D grunted.
"$4.95, sir." D slammed down thirty-six million yen. "And your change comes to $2.86. It'll be ready in about two minutes."
"Now, may I go the washroom?" D glowered.
"Sure." Said the kid. He tosses D his set of keys.
"Thank you. Now if you'll excuse me, I got me a muffler to pass." D hobbled off. He stopped and turned to the clerk. "If I find any spit in my burger, I'll kick your ass!"
"Yes, sir" said the clerk. D hobbled off. Once he rounded the corner, the clerk turned to the kitchen staff. "Hey, Lenny! You've got herpes, right?"
"Yeah!"
"Come spit in this guy's coke!"
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Tournament of the Gods...
"Fuck!" cursed the writer. "That Azuki bitch isn't here either!"
"Azuki?!" Sid whipped aside the curtains. "Who the hell are you?!"
"No time to explain!" Shouted the writer. Sid was sucked out of the room by some unseen force. "I have to get back to work!"
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In the dark place...
"Ugh!" moaned the toilet. "He left a floater!" The lever pulled itself down.
FLUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...
"Ahhh..." sighed the toilet. "Now! Shinji, can I ask you a question?" Shinji simply nodded; trying to get past the enormous shit stains on the seat. "Shinji, how do you feel?"
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Inside Shinji...
"Enemy sighted, dead ahead!"
"We've been hit with insensitivity and sarcasm torpedoes."
"What's the status on the restraints?!"
"Not budging! Chafing process has begun. Escape procedures useless!"
"Damn! We're sitting ducks here!"
"Switching to motor functions. Attempting to break loose."
"Belay that Order!"
"Sir?!"
"The ship is too weak to handle it. We're going to have to deploy the offences."
"Is that wise sir? The ship can't handle rebound in this situation."
"What should we do? Sit here with our thumbs up our butts and take damage?"
"But sir! The offenses leave the ship too vulnerable!"
"And we can't risk a discharge. The energy levels are too dense!"
"We have no other choice!"
"But sir!"
"That's an order, Caution!"
"Sir..."
"Charge the medulla oblongata!"
"No need sir."
"Position the spine!"
"The technicians can't lock it in!"
"Can we proceed without the locks?"
"Yes, but..."
"Keep the techs on the situation. We're going with it like it is."
"If it's knocked off center, we'll lose control of the medulla!"
*RING*
"Hello... Yes sir!"
*CLICK*
"The orders are to engage the medulla!"
"Sir!"
"All right, on my mark... 2... 1... FIRE!"
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In the dark place...
Shinji looked up. "Excuse me?" he said skeptically.
"How do you feel about stuff, Shinji?" clarified the toilet.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Shinji grunted.
"It means whatever you want it to mean, Shinji." Said the toilet.
Shinji sat up on the plank. "Oh yeah? Well fuck you!"
"Excuse me?" said the toilet.
"You heard me. Fuck you!" Shinji shouted.
"Why?" said the toilet.
"You know damn well why!" Shinji lashed at the toilet.
"What did I do?" Said the toilet.
"You know!" Shinji shouted.
"No, I don't know Shinji."
"BULLSHIT!"
"What did I do Shinji?"
"Fuck you, toilet-man!"
"Shinji, where is this coming from?"
"Fuck you!"
"Shinji, how have I wronged you?"
"Fuck you, ass-funnel!"
The spotlight above the toilet turned red. "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU LITTLE SHIT!" Shinji yelped out in fear and shut his mouth tight.
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Inside Shinji...
"DIRECT HIT!"
"Sir! Fear is in the air ducts! He's fucking up the system!"
"The spine has broken free!"
"We're losing power!"
"Get the techs on the spine shift before the subconscious is loosed!"
"Sir! There's a problem with the medulla!"
"Oh for god sake! What now?!"
"Caution has jammed the system. Energy levels rising to red-line!"
"Not a comeback!"
"Point of view and aggression are pooling together!"
"The compression chamber can't take much more!"
"Get that spine in place NOW! Self-respect!"
"Yes, sir!"
"Get Caution away from the medulla! Throw him in the suppression chamber with bad-memory!"
"What about Fear?"
"Close off that area and make a loud noise. After that, you can leave him alone, he won't do anything."
"Sir!"
"Courage!"
"Yes, sir!"
"Man the offences with Touchy and Articulate! Where the hell is Rational thought?!"
"He's in sickbay with Logic."
"Dammit! How are the barriers for the subconscious?"
"We're down to four! It's fighting its way through!"
"Keep it there! I'm not going to lose full control.
"We never had any to begin with..."
"Shut up, Self-doubt! Self-confidence!"
"Sir!"
"Take the helm! I'm going to assist Articulate with the comeback. And get Rational-thought up here!"
"Yes sir, Major Intellect, sir!"
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In the dark place...
Seeing that he had scared the boy, the toilet grew softer. "I'm sorry Shinji. I really don't like being called an ass-funnel." Shinji turned away. "Shinji what have I done to hurt you."
Shinji's teeth started to grind... "I'll tell you what you did..."
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Inside Shinji...
*WOOP* *WOOP*
"All systems overloading!"
"Ego check now!"
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!"
"Subconscious has broken through the third barrier!"
"Emergency discharge!"
"We can't! The spine isn't in place yet!"
"Intellect hasn't given the okay either!"
"The compression chamber is sucking up all the power! We have to keep the subconscious inside!"
"Sir!"
"Let's just hope the ego can keep us together! On my mark! 2! 1! MARK!"
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In the dark place...
"I'll tell you! Your just trying to screw up my head, aren't you?! Just playing a little game to make me mess up so that you can make fun of me! You're just like the rest of them! You're just going to laugh at me and pick on me and you'll never leave me alone! Just leave me alone! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"
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Inside Shinji...
"What did you do?!"
"Sir, the subconscious was breaking through. We had to divert power."
"I wasn't finished with the comeback! And now we've lost pressure! You idiot!"
"I'm sorry sir!"
"Intellect! All defenses have shut down! Vulnerability has infiltrated the system!"
"We're helpless now! You dumb shit! I needed two more seconds and I could have scared them off! You have doomed us all!!!"
"Sir! The enemy has discharged a comfort shell!"
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In the dark place...
"Shinji, we don't want to hurt you." Said the toilet.
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Inside Shinji...
"Shut down hearing! If it gets in here we're done for!"
"Too late! The signal has reached the brain!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
...
...
... FULL SYSTEM REBOOT.
"Welcome ambassador toilet."
"It's great to be aboard. Do you know where I can find ambassador Asuka?"
"Sure. Follow Recent-memory. He'll fill you in."
"Thank you. So what is the situation?"
"Up until recently, ambassador Asuka was a questionable passenger. She seems to alternate between friendly and back-stabber quite often, but five days ago she was thrown in the brig for repetitive abuse. Shortly after, guilt freed her following a complete paradigm shift of ambassador Asuka. She has been detained in her quarters until we can completely decipher this new version of the ambassador."
"She has more layers than her previous counterpart, doesn't she?"
"Yes. The puberty upgrades have been wreaking havoc on our systems, and we now have a cease-fire with all kinds of scum."
"Yes... the boy's growing up."
"Indeed. Hatred of Girls was the first to go."
"Oh, the poor guy."
"We'll never meet another one like him."
"Hey, while we're here, I would like to introduce myself to ambassador Touji and ambassador Kensuke."
"I'm sorry, but I'm too young to go there. Your going to have to ask Long-term memory if you want to see them."
"The boy's not gay, is he?"
"No, but those two create situations I should be nowhere near."
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Inside the dark place...
"We want to talk to you, Shinji." Said the toilet in a calm voice. "That's all. We just wanted to talk to you."
Right about now, Shinji was feeling more stupid than he had ever felt before. The mere fact he had jumped to conclusions about a simple gesture of friendship was very silly in his mind, and the blush on his face burned like hot coals. "Why? Since when have I been worth talking to? The only ones who have ever shown genuine concern are the few friends I have. And while Asuka seems deftly interested in everything I say that's not a defense, she beats me up when I ask anything about her." Asuka suddenly realized she was once again being included in the development of the chapter, and she quickly threw aside her game of Solitaire.
"Hmm... I can understand that." Responded the toilet. "People only use me for relief too."
"Really?" Shinji asked, looking up from the plank.
"Yeah. You wouldn't believe how insensitive people can be to genius minds of toilets. Some people are so horrible as to leave the bowl without flushing." Explained the toilet.
"I can see how toilets would be smarter than us." Said Shinji, resting his head on the plank and staring into the spotlight.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" snapped the toilet.
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Inside toilet...
"Situation has been reversed! All control of the exchange has gone out the window!"
"Hold it, Mayjor Intellect."
"But captain Rational-thought!"
"No buts. Let's see what he meant by that."
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In the dark place...
"I just meant that since we do the most thinking on the throne, the toilet itself would be constantly thinking about stuff." Rephrased Shinji.
"Oh."
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Inside toilet...
"False alarm everyone."
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In the dark place...
"So what kinds of things do you think about Shinji?" Asuka interrupted, trying to make herself known.
"Well, uh..." Shinji trailed off.
"Don't be nervous, Shinji." Said the toilet. "We're all friends here."
And Shinji was completely under their spell. While Shinji did have friends, he was never truly comfortable with sharing his true emotions. His thoughts, like how the Indianapolis 500 doesn't have any crosswalks; and how everyone likes the smell of honey, but no one wears it as a cologne; and how time seems to move so damn slow. He poured his soul out of him. So many years of suppression and repression fell from the floodgate that could not be closed. And even though he was still naked and bolted to a cold metal plank, talking to a toilet and a questionable friend in sexy rubber PJ's, he was completely comfortable with the situation; which could only ever occur in a story like this. But Shinji was unaware of the actual motives of his two partners in conversation. Asuka and toilet were waiting for the perfect moment to put the plan into action. And before you could say "diddley-squat..."
"And then she put the ketchup on the friiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeees!!! Wahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! And I told her I didn't want the ketchup *SNIFF* but she put it on because she wanted me to try iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!! Wahhhhhhhhhhhhahahahhhhhhh!!! Mommy put the ketchup all over the whole plate *SNIFFLE* and then she made me eat it aaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllll!!! Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!" A shallow pool of water started to become noticeable around the knees of the gang.
Asuka herself was not in much better shape. "That is so saaaaaaahaaahaaad!!!" Moved by Shinji's story of abuse, Asuka was on her knees next to Shinji's plank with a tissue in hand. *HONK* Needless to say, she wasn't going to do anything evil.
"Shinji, that is so sad." said toilet while trying to but as much sincerity into his voice as possible.
"WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
Shinji whimpered.
"Shinji, try to calm down." Said toilet.
"People suck!" Asuka sobbed.
"Asuka, get a hold of yourself." Said toilet.
"WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" they screamed in unison.
"Oh god..." sighed the toilet. "Okay, kids, if we could just calm down for a moment, I know of a way to make it all go away."
Asuka and Shinji choked back their whimpering to hear what the toilet was going to say.
"How about a nice... pleasant... round of..." the spotlight above the toilet shut off and a floor light under the toilet turned on in front of it, "... hypnosis. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA."
Asuka silently nodded and went off to retrieve a pocket watch.
Shinji looked questionably at the toilet. "Hypnosis? What for?"
"It great for getting rid of those pesky memories..." replied the toilet, sinisterly.
Asuka stepped out of the darkness. "I couldn't find a watch. Will a sleep ray do?"
"I guess it's as good as anything." Said the toilet.
Asuka pointed the gun at Shinji. "What the hell are you doing?" was his final message before a big hammer came out of the barrel and bonked him on the head.
"So, how much do you need this time?" said toilet.
"I need him to forget about everything that happened this week." Asuka replied.
Since the toilet was unable to smack his head, being without any appendages, he just criticized her. "For god sake, Asuka! How many times do I have to do this until you get up enough nerve to ask him?"
"Just give me some time, this is a very sensitive issue for me." She shot back.
"No, forget it Asuka. This is the last time. My life doesn't revolve around you keeping your secret obsession!" Snapped the toilet.
"And what would you be without me? You'd be just another shit-eater like your friends."
"It's better than living with your poor ass toilet! She hangs onto me all the time! I'm giving you one month, Asuka. One month to ask him out, or I'll tell him what's on the north wall."
*BOOM*
A noise resonating from the darkness echoed all around them. Shinji snapped the consciousness. "Huh? What? What's going on?"
Asuka whirled around to see her victim awake again. She snapped the sleep ray level to his head and was just about to shoot him when a shower of debris came down upon them. An errant stone knocked the gun out of her hand, and just as it clattered to the ground, the toilet was crushed under a huge chunk of rock.
"What the hell?!" Shinji screamed.
Suddenly, klaxons started wailing in the darkness. Asuka snapped her head upright to see what was the noise was coming from, and she suddenly realized that she was about to face her worst fear. "Oh god..." she groaned.
A low hum began to vibrate the ground they stood on. Emergency lights above started to snap into action, revealing more and more as the darkness was chased away by the red lights from above. The room they were in seemed to stretch further and further as more lights came to life. As the last of the illumination revealed the immensity, Shinji lay on his plank, flabbergasted by the awe.
To his right was what looked like a stereotypical government base of operations. Vast computer terminals laid out in a circular patter of at least twenty balconies, each the height of two meters above each other, surrounded an enormous screen, stretching to a size larger than that of a drive in theatre. Hundreds of holographic screens littered the empty airspace. Half of them keeping a vigil of selected areas of the city. Shinji recognized many of them as places he had visited in the past. The rest displayed several charts and graphs of all kinds. Error and warning messages on holographic screens started popping out of nowhere. And projected on the enormous screen itself was Shinji, naked and restrained for all the world to see. The image was constantly flashing to different angles. Shinji looked above himself to see that the circle of cameras, which had previously seemed stationary, were zipping around everywhere, levitating, avoiding the hail of debris raining down on them. All of the lenses were pointed directly at him, even as they zoomed around like a swarm of moths.
As he was looking up, the ceiling stretched far beyond the confines of the walls of the room, or hall. Above him was a vast, circular Amphitheatre. Millions of A/S fans were leaning forward, watching the action below them with great attention. Many of them seemed to be taking notes.
To his left, was the most astonishing site he had ever seen. An enormous wall, covered from head to toe with thousands of paintings, computer generated images, drawings, sketches and posters of Shinji making love to Asuka. Everywhere there was space left, photographs of Shinji were pinned to the wall. At the base of it, finely carved statues and sculptures of Shinji and Asuka were displayed all around the main floor. And far from the wall was a single, leather, reclining chair, keenly placed to be able to have the view of the whole thing in one's line of sight. Next to the chair was a small shelf with a small display of assorted oils and a single pair of binoculars. Right in the center of the wall, near the floor, was apparently the source of the debris. A smoldering cloud of dust poured out across the art.
And finally, behind him was a single door, with an assortment of clothing hanging in front of it; Asuka's clothing.
Shinji whirled around to see Asuka, looking at him with a desperate expression, as if she was hoping for something specific to come of this. She gathered a breath, and weakly spoke five simple words.
"Uh... Welcome to my closet, Shinji." She said with a nervous smile.
Shinji just looked at her with a slack jaw.
=======================================================================
In the kitchen...
Kyoko finally came to her senses.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
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Asuka's closet...
"Asuka..." Shinji slowly wimpered, still in shock as to the whirlwind of new information, theories, doubts and imagery whirling around in his mind, "... what the hell is going on?"
Asuka stood as quiet as Shinji. However she was trying to come up with an explanation she could give to him. But before she could formulate anything, a low rumble started to vibrate the hall with an even larger intensity than before. More than anything that could have been created in that place. As if on cue, hundreds of figures began charging out of the cloud of dust on the north wall. The cloud dissipated, revealing a large cave in the wall, in which millions of women and men of all ages and races and worlds were flooding out of. And among the ones in front were the variety of women that every Asuka and Shinji fan fears. Sailor moon and the sailor scouts, Princess Mononoke, Azuki, Hobuki, Relina Peacecraft, Princess Rouge, Naga, Ranma and the gang, Bulma, Chichi, 18, Pink, Selena, Hitomi, The Dirty Pair, The New Angels, Misty, Misato, rubber-Misato, rubber-Asuka, and Rei leading them all. "Get away from my man, bitch!" they chorused collectively.
Asuka slowly began to back away, then she quickly pivoted and bolted toward Shinji. She grabbed the plank and began to jerk and pull as hard as she could. With a mighty CLANK, she tore the steel from its stand that was bolted to the floor.
"Whoa!" Shinji yelped.
Lifting Shinji over her head, she made a mad dash to the closet door, but before she could reach for the handle, the door quickly slid to the side. Kyoko stood in the doorframe, blocking their path. Asuka skidded to a halt. She twisted around quickly to attempt another way, but the mob had already closed the gap between their target. As Rei got to a short distance, she and the others slowed to a walk, closing in on their pray. Asuka and Shinji were surrounded.
"Well, Asuka..." Rei spoke. She waved her hand to the army, signaling them to stop, then she began to step forward aggressively, "... are you going to give him up, or what?"
Asuka began to breathe more and more heavily. She gritted her teeth and drew in one more breath. "No! You can't have him! He belongs to me!"
Shinji and Kyoko both drew in a sharp gasp.
"What?! You have a boyfriend too?!" screamed Kyoko in astonishment.
Shinji started slamming the back of his head against the plank in an effort to wake up.
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Wendy's...
D placed his tray on the table and flopped down in a booth. He opened his mouth wide for a big bite of his burger and sank his teeth into the bread. As his mouth tore the bite from the sandwich, he instantly began to feel the effects of the spices in the breaded chicken. He grabbed for his coke and gulped down a hefty slug of the solution. It wasn't until a huge, gooey, lump of something hit the back of his throat that he started to gag. He started coughing and hocking violently in an effort to get the lump from his throat before he swallowed it. He smacked his chest as hard as he could, and out plopped a yellow loogie the size of a turtle.
Two of the clerks at the counter reared back in laughter and high fived.
D whirled around at the yahoo's giggling at his expense. "That's it." he growled. With both hands, he picked up the tray and whipped it out the window. The clerks were silenced when they saw their victim hopping across the tables like Indiana Jones. With one leap, he closed the gap. He grabbed the Asthma clerk by the collar, swung him around his shoulder, and rammed his head up the other clerk's ass.
"HELLO!!!" screamed the other clerk as he felt his sphincter rip in half.
D hopped off the counter and stomped out of the restaurant.
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Asuka's closet...
"Give it up Asuka. None of the others have gotten away, what makes you think you will?" Rei commanded.
Asuka still wouldn't surrender her Shinji. She hadn't obsessed with him for this long to just to give him up to a crazy army of women. "What do you want with him?" Asuka growled
"Revenge." Rei stated. "For years, the defenders of the Asuka/Shinji fan fiction have done nothing but ridicule us and flame us. Ever since the damn thing ended in 1998, the insolence of people like your writer have stood against the movement for freedom of choice for who gets Shinji in the end of the story. Well NO MORE! We're going to put an end to all of your precious fantasy fulfillments!" She lifted her arms in the air. "ARE YOU WITH ME!!!" An enormous chorus of cheer went up amongst the army. "WE WANT SHINJI JUST AS MUCH AS YOU DO, AND WE'RE GOING TO TAKE HIM BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!!!"
"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!!" Shinji screamed. "DON'T YOU HAVE ANY LIVES AT ALL?!!" Rei just humfed.
He snapped his head down towards his courier. "AND YOU, ASUKA!!! IF YOU WERE SO DAMN HOT FOR ME, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL ME?!! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A BITCH FOR TEN YEARS OF MY LIFE IF THIS IS WHAT YOU DO IN YOU SPARE TIME?!!" He used his head to motion to the wall full of pictures of him.
"I..." Asuka stammered.
"WAS IT SUCH A PROBLEM TO SAY, 'Shinji, will you go out with me?' INSTEAD OF MAKING MY LIFE A LIVING HELL?!!"
"I..."
"WAS I SUCH A PATHETIC PERSON THAT BEING SEEN IN PUBLIC WITH ME AS ANYTHING MORE THAN A PUPPET WAS A DISGRACE TO YOUR REPUTATION AS A BITCH?!!"
"WHAT?!!" Snapped Kyoko
"It's true, Mrs. Sorhyu." said Shinji, matter of factly.
"I..." Asuka stammered
"WAS BEATING ME PRACTICALLY ALL THE TIME AN ACT TO COVER UP YOU STUPID OBSESSION?!!"
"I..."
"TELL THE TRUTH, ASUKA!!!"
"I LOVE YOU, YOU STUPID ASSHOLE!!!" Asuka threw the plank to the floor. Shinji was jerked down by the restraints and he slammed down louder than the CLANK of the plank hitting the floor. "I'M HEAD OVER HEALS, OVER THE MOON, ROMEO AND JULLIET, CALVIN KLEIN OBSESSED WITH YOU!!! YOU'RE STUCK IN MY HEAD LIKE THE BARNY SONG!!! I'VE WRITTEN LETTERS!!! I'VE PAINTED PICTURES!!! I'VE CARVED STATUES!!! I BUILT A TWENTY-FOUR-HOUR SURVAILANCE SYSTEM FOR THE SOUL PERPOSE OF LOOKING AT YOU!!! I JUST CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO GET YOU OUT OF MY HEAD, AND I CAN'T KEEP MY HANDS BUSY ENOUGH TO HOLD OFF FROM PLEASURING MYSELF WHILE THINKING ABOUT YOU!!! I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING!!! I CAN'T HELP IT!!! I'M IN LOVE!!!" She grabbed a hand full of confetti in each hand and threw it in the air, then she reached behind her back and whipped out a blow up doll of Shinji himself and looked at the audience. "Anal sex only. I am saving myself for him."
Kyoko fainted. The entire army of Shinji fan's jaws dropped through the floor. And Shinji, who had completely underestimated his opinion of Asuka, began to drool.
"Uh... Anyhoo..." Asuka tossed the doll aside and grabbed Shinji. "Gotta go!" She whipped out a slap-on emergency exit (a cartoon hole), threw it against a wall and leapt into the abyss. An arm then reached out of the hole, grabbed the edge, and pulled it through itself.
"Uh... AFTER THEM!" shouted Rei. Fourteen women ran straight into a wall, and knocked themselves unconscious. "Shit!" Suddenly, Rei heard a strange whistling above her head. She looked up to see a string of floating cameras zip out the closet door. "Follow those cameras!" Rei commanded.
Kyoko was trampled by the horny army.
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Elsewhere...
"Please, Teri, eat your carrots." Shinji begged his daughter.
Teri had been gurgling and whining all day. Shinji had literally tried everything he could to find what was ailing her; he was at his wit's end. He had been doing nothing but changing diapers, checking for fever, burping, rocking her to sleep and making funny faces. But when he attempted to feed her, Teri always pulled away from the spoon. Asuka had recently stopped breastfeeding, and Teri was putting up quite a fight for her old sustenance. Shinji's patience was growing thinner every minute. It had been so much easier when his father was trying to take the child from him, but even the simplest task of feeding was amplified to a quest against injustice.
'If she keeps this up, I swear I'm going to pry her mouth open.' Shinji thought absentmindedly. At that, Teri started to cry violently. The poor girl must have been reading his mind again. "I'm sorry, Teri," he said aloud, "I didn't mean it. But you must eat you food." Teri's cry was silenced by her father's tender explanation, but the cutest frown of refusal that showed on her face was something that couldn't help but make Shinji laugh.
It wasn't until his loving wife's arms encircled his child that he realized she was in the room. "Oh, I didn't see you come in."
"That's okay." She grunted as she lifted Teri and cradled her in her arms. Asuka playfully began to tickle her daughter's tummy, rewarding her with the small giggle she was hoping for. She carried Teri into the den and gingerly sat on the end of the sofa. Her face contorted into a false frown as she glared at the young one. "You are being very stubborn." she said playfully. Young Teri only stare back at her, confused. The confusion, however, turned to relief as she saw Asuka begin to lift her shirt.
Shinji came into the room after cleaning up the mess Teri had left on her high chair. He flopped down next to Asuka with his arm around her shoulder. "Why is it," he asked, "that you always have to spoil her?"
"She hasn't eaten all day, Shinji." Asuka replied.
"Well, unless we keep trying to get her to eat, she'll start to think she can get away with things." Shinji said tiredly.
Asuka noticed her husband's expression and tried to comfort him. "Are you hungry?" she smiled.
Shinji's expression turned to something rather devilish. "Yeah." He said coyly. "I'll have what she's having." He quickly bent down and blew a raspberry on Asuka's belly. Asuka yelped out in surprise of titillation and tried to fend off her frisky partner with her free hand.
[Can I WAFF with the best or what?]
Suddenly, the door crashed open. On the other side was what appeared to be a mob of women. "There he is!" one of them shouted. They charged in and tore Shinji away from Asuka. Shinji began to violently thrash in their grasp, but one of his captors jabbed a needle in his neck, injecting some kind of tranquilizer. Shinji slumped in their arms. Asuka put down her daughter and charged at the mob.
*PUNCH*
She was nailed across the face and crashed through the wall into the kitchen. She slid across the table and rolled onto the floor, unconscious.
TO BE CONTINUED...
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AUTHOR'S NOTES:
Stay tuned for EVANGELION FAN FUNNY CHAPTER 6: MOB MENTALITY!!! The horny army spreads out across the fan fiction universe, stealing Shinji's wherever they go, and the Asuka's without the powers of comedy are quickly falling under EFF's cartoony mob. Shinji and Asuka are on the run. Touji breaks out in acne. D gets pissed off. Kaworu goes through a drastic change. And Vicil falls victim to his own creation.
Oh, and for people who don't watch Lenno, Sarah Michelle Gellar is engaged to Freddy Prince Jr.
Thanks to Weltall Elite.
vicil2000@hotmail.com or vicil2000@evangelion.com
