Evangelion Fan Funny Chapter 6: Mob Mentality

=======================================================================

Not that it's any of your business, but I think the time that guy from that movie had that thing with that girl from that other movie while this thing was going on in both movies was the Robes Pierre of suck.

=======================================================================

Damn right!

=======================================================================

INSERT STANDARD DISCLAIMER ABOUT NOT BEING SUED

=======================================================================

Introducing the D-Doll collection™!  Pull the string and see what he says!

*VVVP*

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  *GASP* I'm Vicil on CRACK, man!  HEEHEEHEEHEE!  I'M A CARTOON, MAN!!!  WHOOOOOHOHOHO!!!  AHHHHHAHAHA!!!  I GOT YOUR STRING RIGHT HERE, MAN!!!  Tee hee.  AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

*VVVP*

"No, the string in the front."

*YOINK*

"Again, baby..."

*VVVP*

"Hello, I'm Ryan Styles."

Also available in PREGNANCY!

*VVVP*

"WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU!!!"

*VVVP*

"Give me Haagen-Dazs, and I'll go to sleep."

*VVVP*

"In six days... BOOM!!!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

The D-Doll collection™!  Each sold separately.  Not recommended for young children, the easily offended or Ryan Styles.  Each D-Doll says 3 different phrases, 14 insults, 98 death threats and 666 apocalyptic warnings.

=======================================================================

Part 4: The Gathering Storm

===========================

Some busy street on a downhill slant...

Kaworu stepped out of Victoria's Secret for women carrying a small bag holding a thong.

[Eww...]

Kaworu apparently thought that this would get him some tail when he was purchasing it.  Sadly, the writer made him the only gay kid in school after reading Evaless.  Kaworu's gonna die a virgin if he gets close enough to Shinji.  I've keenly placed the remains of the World Trade Center in suspension above his head.  However Kaworu doesn't know this, so let's all pretend like I didn't say anything and watch the fun.  Heh, heh, heh...

Kaworu sneezed.  "Nilly-knikers, someone's talking about me again."  He put his hand on his hip.

To continue the story, two figures could be seen plodding over the hill.  In the distance Kaworu could hear what seemed like petty squabbling between them.  Kaworu stopped listening when he could see one of the figures was a boy strapped to a plank with a ten-inch dick flapping in the wind.  His better half rose to the occasion.

"Stupid Shinji!  I can't believe you were cheating on me with millions of sex crazed lunatics!" rasped the girl carrying the boy.

Kaworu was shocked and appalled.  He would have thought for sure that one was fresh meat.  Sighing in defeat, the little gay bitch started to drag himself home.  'Pity,' he thought, 'he would have made my night.'

"I didn't touch any of them, Asuka!" the boy shot back.  "And even if I did, I wouldn't be doing anything wrong because you're not my GIRLFRIEND!"

Kaworu slicked back his hair and spun around.  'Hello...' he thought piggishly as the two approached him.

"Then why was that blow up doll of me in your secret place?  Huh?!" the girl shouted.

"I have one of Misato too!"

"I saw that Misato doll!  I'll bet you didn't even touch that thing until Monday!"

"So what?  I only used the Asuka doll because you're one of the hottest chicks in school!"

The girl stopped in her tracks and threw the plank on the ground.  The boy was yanked down by the extra weight and the back of his head was flattened when it bonked the steel.

"Ouch!" Kaworu winced under his breath.

"Is that all I am to you?!" cried the girl.  "Just some piece of ass?!"  She had tears in her eyes.  Her breath shuddered.  She clasped her chest as if to keep her heart in place.  Her vulnerability was clear to Kaworu, as if it were reaching its peaks.  He could see she was desperate for the answer she wanted.

The boy sat up as best he could with his arms handcuffed to the corners of the plank.  "Its not like you gave me a great reason to show interest in you!!!  All you ever did was beat me up when I tried to talk to you!!!  What kind of twisted-fuck could fall in love with that?!"

=======================================================================

Same place, different POV...

That was when the zipper on Shinji's Vortex of Infinite Space™ opened up, as if Father Time himself opened it because he was fed up with waiting for these two dumb shits to go for it.  Millions of Asuka pictures and un-mailed letters gushed out onto the street behind him instantly.  After all the letters fell out, a single book toppled out of the small hole.  It bounced on its corners towards Asuka and stopped at her feet.

The front cover read, 'My Deep, Deep, Deep, Deep, Deep, Deep, Deep, Deep, Deep, Deep Affection for my One True Love.  An In-Depth Look Into the Mind of Shinji Ikari and his Obsession with Asuka Langley Sohryu.  Volume VI.  Written and Edited by Shinji Ikari.'

Shinji was frantically trying to stuff the papers back into his vortex, but the chains were to short to reach his back.  Asuka picked up the book from her feet and turned to the first page.

      "Dear diary.  Today as Asuka was giving me a swirly in the girl's washroom, I noticed her red lace panties with little blue hearts on them.  I could tell they were hand made.  The stitching was very scrappy around the hearts.  It must have been very itchy for her because she was scratching herself all morning.  They were probably for some guy she wanted to impress.

      If only I could be that guy.  The one she would willingly show her panties to.  Whoever he is, he must be the luckiest guy in the world.  To have someone as beautiful and smart as she is in a relationship, which transcends my own with her.  At least I can take comfort in the fact that she at least gives me enough time out of her day to kick the crap out of me.

      I know I've said this in every single entry, but should anyone ever get their hands on these books, or god forbid, Asuka herself, I want them to see this line no matter what page they turn to.  Asuka is the greatest person in the entire world.  There is no one like her anywhere, and I, Shinji Ikari, am obsessed with her.  I love her more than anything in the entire world.  I love her more than anything in the entire universe!  I love her more than anything within the boundaries of human imagination.  And you're thinking 'No, that's impossible.  The boundaries of human imagination extend as far as one human can imagine.  If you can imagine beyond the boundaries of human imagination, then the images cross the barrier of imagination and they are no longer images because they are not within the boundaries of human imagination.'  But it's true!  I love her more that the laws of... whatever I said... wrote.  Friggin' non-erasable pen.

      Oh, well.  At least I have the ability to settle for the next best thing.  Kensuke's dad finally finished the Misato doll but I'll try it out later.  Asuka and I decided to have a go for every heart on her panties tonight.  Six down, nine more left."

Tiny little hearts started to bubble up from the pages and popped in front of her face.

Shinji noticed it too late.  "No Asuka!  You must not read from the book!!!"

The ground to her left exploded and out jumped the most horrible monster known to man... What do you mean?  Politically Correct?  Shit!  Out jumped the most horrible monster known to person.

International funny man, Robin Williams!

"Wow!  Hello Tokyo-3!  Is it ever great to be here today!  Look at this street full of vagrants.  It's like the place where Flasidoso Mingo did the music man.  I SEE DAT WEST FARGO WAGON ISA COMIN' DOWN!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"  Shinji and Asuka screamed in unison.  Asuka grabbed Shinji and took off down the street.

=======================================================================

Back to Kaworu...

"Hey, where you going?!" Robin Williams called to the running couple.

Kaworu, who watched the whole exchange, slumped against a wall.

"Isn't any guy in this whole entire city GAY?!!" he screamed to the heavens.

Suddenly, a low rumble started approaching.  The people in the street broke out into a panic.  "EARTHQUAKE!!!" somebody shouted.  Everyone started trying to cram themselves between the doorframes of the store outlets.

Meanwhile, Robin was standing in the middle of the street saying, "Come on people!  It's not even a four pointer!"

Kaworu then started to hear some kind of mechanical whistling coming from the hill.  He turned to see a dozen cameras come flying over the hill followed by a STAMPEDE OF SCANTILY CLAD WOMEN!!!  Kaworu jumped up onto a lamppost and climbed for his dear sweet life.  Then he remembered Robin was still on the street.  Sure enough, Robin was clueless to everyone's reaction.

"Robin Williams!!!" he shouted, "Get off the street!!!  STAMPEDE!!!"

However, Robin doesn't speak Japanese.  "What?!" was his only reply before he was trampled to death.

The mob nearly shook Kaworu off the pole.  As he held on with all his strength, he timidly looked for an end to the wave of people.  It went on forever in the back with Rei and assorted other beautiful women in front.  Nothing but bouncing boobies, perky butts, S&M gear, teddy bears, bunny ears, business suits, nurse scrubs, police uniforms, lab coats, cheerleader outfits, bathing suits, thong bikinis, lingerie, pretty pink panties, whipped cream and birthday suits.

Then something happened not even Kaworu expected.

He got hard.

I wish there was more to it than that but that's it.  Literally.  He felt something poking out, he looked down, he realized he got a hard-on from women and he went, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" because the sheer irony of the situation was too much for him to accept.

=======================================================================

Some random alley...

Asuka ducked around the corner of the building and leaned Shinji against the wall.  She collapsed against the wall next to him breathing heavily.

"*PANT*... *PANT*... You're one heavy sonofabitch." She growled at him.

"That's not what you said last night."

"I said that's between us!  Vicil!!!" Asuka stood up and stormed off stage.  "Vicil!  I can't work like this!"

"Asuka, come on!  If you keep doing this, I swear, I'll pair him with Rei."

Rei walked up. "That would be quite satisfactory." She said in monotone.

"Shut up, first!"

"Asuka, please.  She has a very difficult part."

"For her anyway..."

"I feel offended." Rei said quietly.  She walked away to a secluded corner of the studio and cried.

"Oh, what a sissy!" growled Asuka.

"Asuka, you get back on that set or the sissy gets Shinji!"

Kaworu ran up to Vicil.  "I'm having trouble staying in character."

"FINE!  GO TO THE ARCADE OR SOMETHING!  WE DON'T NEED YOU RIGHT NOW!"

Kaworu ran off to his room and cried.

"HA!  What a wuss!" Shinji laughed from the set.  An inconspicuous Kaworu fan working with the grip threw down a set light and charged Shinji.  "SECURITY!" he screamed.  The Kaworu fan closed the distance and bitch-slapped Shinji across the face.  Shinji started crying.

Asuka ran up and nailed the K-fan in the balls.  "NO ONE BITCH-SLAPS SHINJI BUT ME!!!" She grabbed and axe and started butchering the poor guy into a fine paste.

Vicil snatched the axe out of her hands.  "Asuka stop it!"

Asuka grabbed onto Shinji's legs and curled up into a fetal position.  "I'm sorry!  I'm sorry!  I did another bad thing!  WAHHHHHH!!!"

"Oh for crying out loud!!!  Let's just go to the next scene"

Asuka climbed up Shinji's leg and hugged his waist.  "Shinji, do you think I'm pretty?"

=======================================================================

The city park...

Hikari was trying to pull her foot out of Touji's ass.  She kicked him a little too hard while she was trying to pay him back for flashing her.  Luckily, Touji's pain threshold was still high because it was still recovering from the first kick in his nuts.  To every person who walked by, it was the most disgusting sexual act they had ever seen.  Then Woody Allen walked by and applauded them for their skill.

"Touji, try to relax for one second!" shouted Hikari.

"Well, maybe if you foot wasn't so friggin small, it wouldn't get stuck up my ass!!!"

"Well if you didn't flash me, I wouldn't have kicked you!!!"

"Well if you didn't show up, I wouldn't have flashed you!!!"

Suddenly, an ambulance pulled up.  Kensuke jumped out the back doors with a hockey mask and a blindfold on.  "Guys!"

*THUNK*

He ran into a lamppost and fell on his ass.  "Touji, is that you?"

"Over here Kensuke!"

"Where?"

"Here!"

Kensuke ran into the lamppost again.

Touji sighed.  "Come on, Hikari.  Lets help him out."  Touji crawled to the street on his hands and knees and Hikari hopped on her free foot.

Touji tapped Kensuke on his forehead.  "Kensuke, wake up."

Kensuke's hands came up to Touji's face and felt around.  He accidentally shoved his thumb up his nostril.  "Touji, is that you?"

"Yeah.  Get your thumb out of my nose!"  Kensuke removed said thumb.  "What's with the hockey mask?"  Touji took Kensuke's mask off revealing two thousand swollen pimple bruises and two pads over his eyes.  "GROSS!!!"  He let go of the mask and it snapped against Kensuke's face.

"Ouch!"  Kensuke jumped to his feet.  "What the hell was that for?!"  He punched Hikari in the face.  Hikari was knocked off balance and she fell on the ground.  Her foot twisted around in Touji's anus and he screamed bloody murder.

"I'm down here, dipshit!!!  Are you blind?!!"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

"If you're down there, who did I just punch?"

"Hikari."

"Oh..."

Hikari jumped to her feet and started beating Kensuke to monkey dookie.  Touji was flailed in the air every time she kicked Kensuke.  Meanwhile, the two paramedics in the ambulance were scarfing down nachos and watching the action in the rear-view mirror.

"Man.  This is better than pay-per-view."

=======================================================================

Some random alley...

Asuka and Shinji were cradled in each other's arms and talking baby talk to each other.

"I love you..."

"I love you more..."

"I love you bigger..."

"I love you biggest..."

"I love you bigger than that..."

"I love you bigger than THAT..."

"I love you bigger than the whole world..."

"I love you bigger than the whole universe..."

"I love you infinity..."

"I love you infinity plus one..."

"Plus two..."

"Plus three..."

"Plus infinity..."

"Times infinity..."

"I love you infinity to the power of infinity..."

"I love you more..."

Rei stormed over to them.  "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!  WE GET IT ALL RIGHT!!!  YOU LOVE EACH OTHER A LOT!!!  LETS GET ON WITH IT!!!"

"Awwww..." they moaned in unison.  Shinji pulled out and strapped himself to the plank again.  Asuka rechecked the script then picked Shinji up and walked around the corner.

"Okay everyone.  Take two.  Action."

Asuka ducked around the corner of a building and leaned Shinji against the wall.  She quickly checked around the corner for any followers.  Nobody was around.

"Oh, Shinji, you do love me!" she cheered happily.  She jumped onto Shinji and gave him a dozen butterfly kisses.

Shinji blushed something awful.  "Yeah... Whoa!  Asuka!  Not here!!!"

Asuka stopped spinning 'big/little Shinji' and looked at Shinji.  "What?!  Of course not, stupid, I just want a place to sit down because I'm tired."  To confirm this, she sat down on a pole.

"Uh, shouldn't we be finding a better place to hide?  There's only one way out of this alley, and if the mob finds us, we're trapped."

"Relax, stupid.  If they catch up to us, I'll just use my emergency exit hole."  She held up said floppy round thing.  "Besides, I read the script.  They don't find us for a few days."

"So why are we hiding in an alley?"

"I... I don't know..."

As if on cue...

Twelve cameras zipped around the corner and zoomed in close on Shinji and Asuka.  Suddenly, Rei and the rest of the mob skidded to a halt at the entrance.

"There he is!  Get him!"

"Asuka!!!" Shinji screamed.

Asuka threw the hole against a wall.  It bounced off like flubber.  "Oh no!  It must be out of power!"

"How does a fourth dimensional cartoon hole need power?" Shinji snapped.

"Don't ask me, I bought it at Walmart!" Asuka shot back.

She grabbed Shinji and ran to the back of the alley, determined to hold onto Shinji for as long as she can.  They reached the stone wall at the end of the alley.  With nowhere left to go they turned to face their doom.

Asuka held her guy above her head, ready to face the danger.  "You want him, COME AND GET HIM!!!"

Shinji's plank started to shift and shake violently.  Three seconds later he started moving to the opening of the alley.  "Asuka?"

"Think again, cutie..." cooed the mob beneath him.

A mighty cheer rang up from the streets as another Shinji was captured.  Shinji looked back to see a pile of protruding bones and swollen flesh.

"Owwwwwww..." moaned Asuka in pain.

"Asuka!!!  NOOOOO!!!" Shinji's scream of agony was drowned out by the celebration below him.

*CRASH*

An enormous purple foot stomped down in front of the opening, killing twenty starts of at least two million fan boys' biggest fantasies.

Shinji looked up to see the giant monster wearing titanium purple tights.  The tampon thingy popped out of its neck, spraying the mob with a sticky, yellow substance.

Pen Pen climbed out and played the theme from Superman on a kazoo.

"Pen Pen!"  Shinji cheered.

"Owwwwww..." moaned Asuka with a twitch.

Pen Pen climbed back into the monster and started it up again.  "ROOOOOOAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!" it wailed to the skies above.  It reached behind its back and pulled out a progressive dustpan and a progressive floor brush.  It swept Asuka into the dustpan, then threw away the brush and plucked Shinji out of the mob's grasp.

The monster ran off with Rei's prize, its thundering footsteps trailed off in the distance.  The twelve cameras hot on its trail.  "Don't worry everyone." She shouted to the crowd.  "As long as those cameras are following them, we'll find them."

The monster stopped in its tracks and turned to the crowd.  The twelve cameras flew at full speed to catch up to Shinji.  They all crashed into an invisible wall and fell to the ground in pieces.

Rei watched as twelve orange hexagonal ripples in the air destroyed her only way to Shinji.  "Uh... AFTER THEM!!!"

The monster turned and ran off, literally leaving the mob of Shinji fans in the dust.

=======================================================================

The hospital...

Hikari and Touji lay on two beds pushed together.  Hikari lay on her back with her head on a comfortable pillow.  She was currently channel surfing, pausing at every channel for ten minutes.  Touji lay on his stomach facing the foot of the bed with his face mashed into a rock hard foam pillow and Hikari's leg sticking out of his bare ass hanging out of his hospital gown.

Kensuke was in a full body cast on a third bed on the other side of the room.  "MFFF!!!" he shouted.

"Shut up Kensuke!" Hikari snapped.

All of the staff who were on break were on the other side of the glass were laughing their asses off.

Dr. Ritsuko Akagi was fighting her way through the crowd to get to the door.  She grabbed for the door switch and pulled herself in front of the door.  She hit the release button.  The door opened and she fell in with four other people.  She promptly threw their asses out and hit the lock.  The door dismembered another six of the staff, but they were laughing to hard to notice, and they bled to death in the hallway.

"Oh, shit.  I dropped my chart.  I'll be right back."  She opened the door and forced her way out into the hall.

Ten minutes later...

"Okay.  Mr. Aida, you're going to have to stay overnight for observation.  Horaki and Suzahara, if you'll bare with me for a second, we should be able to get you out of here within the hour."

"I hope so.  I really have to take a dump." Said Touji.

"I don't care!  If any of that stuff even touches my shoe, I'll shove it in even further!" Hikari twisted her heel to illustrate her point.  Touji grabbed the railing on the bed and crushed it between his fingers.

"MFFMFFMFFMFFMFFMFFMFFMFFMFF!"

"Shut up, Kensuke!  It's not funny!"

"Actually, it's pretty funny." stated Ritsuko, matter of factly.

Just then, Maya Horaki fell into the room.  She crammed the rest of the staff into the hall and shut the door.  "Whew!  Hikari, honey, are you okay?"

"Oh, hi Maya!  Come by for another romp?" said Ritsuko, thinking with 'little Ritsuko.'

"What?!" screamed Hikari.

"Ritsuko!" shouted Maya.

"Wait, a sec.  That's YOUR daughter?!!!"

"MFFMFFMFFMFF..." 'MFFed' Kensuke. (Translation: NOW it's funny.)

Hikari twisted her foot, causing Touji to convulse again.

"You two are SLEEPING together?!!!" screamed Hikari.

"I'm sorry, honey, we didn't want you to find out like this."

"HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN?!!!"

"Well you see, Hikari, sometimes a woman starts to like other women when men are scum.  And so..."

"I KNOW WHAT A LESBIAN IS!!!  WHAT ABOUT DADDY?!!!"

"What's a lesbian?" asked Touji.

Hikari twisted her foot again.

"Well, uh, a couple of months ago..."

=======================================================================

Yet another alternate reality...

"Okay, according to the map, this leads to 'The Object of One's Desire.'"

"On three.  One... Two... THREE!"

The mob burst into the apartment to see Asuka and Shinji doing stuff.  You know... STUFF.   Asuka looked up from her 'snack.'  "A little privacy, PLEASE?"

"Oh, sorry." The mob went back through the door to the Internet.

Selena poked her head through a crack in the door.  "Uh, sorry about this but can you tell us how much longer you'll be?"

*SPLAT*

"Aww, for crying out loud!"  She wiped her face off.  "Can we have another hour?"

"HOUR?!!!" Selena cried.  "Bilicus never gave me an hour..." she murmured as she closed the door.

"I think they're going to be a while."

"Fine, we'll go to the next one on the list.  This door leads to Evaless."

"FUCK THAT!!!"  The whole mob bolted, flailing their arms in the air.  A firewall crashed down in front of them, blocking their escape.  Sailor Mars took her finger off the button connected to nothing.  "We have to get ALL the A/S Shinji's.  Come on, let's go." She sighed.

She opened the door into a world of bad grammar, horrible characterization, and a plot so fucked up I couldn't even finish reading it.

Half of the mob dropped dead from the bends.

=======================================================================

Elsewhere [possibly in an alternate reality]...

Vicil opened the door and fell out of the bathroom.  "Uuuugh... need... reality... check." He groaned as he wiped the fresh vomit off his face.  He crawled into the kitchen and dragged himself to the magazine rack, where he pulled out the latest issue of 'Cracked,' featuring an article on Bin Laden getting fried by a warhead after he pulled up to a cave entrance.  Vicil sighed in relief as irony filled his mind.

Somewhere, Rob Lewis killed another green Taliban stick man.

Vicil stood himself upright and grabbed another bag of Dutch Crunch and a swig of Dr Pepper.  Oh!  Cookies!  He grabbed a hand full of those too.  Satisfied with his supper, he started for the den to catch up on his evening of Drew Carry and Whose Line when D burst through the door.

"Oh, hey D.  Did you give her the note?"

"I only got to see Fred before I was kicked off the property with a muffler up my ass."

"Aww shit.  Well, it was still worth a try."

"Yeah, Sarah Michelle Gellar is only the hottest woman in the world and a movie star and engaged."

"Quiet, you."

"Yes, sir."

Vicil flopped on the couch and started munching away.  "So what are you going to do?"

"Oh, I thought I'd put my feet up, read the paper, maybe take my revenge on you."

"That's nice.  Huh?"  Vicil turned around.

D held up his laptop facing Vicil and hit the "Enter" key.  Suddenly, Vicil was being sucked into a whirlpool screensaver on the laptop screen.  "AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"  He disappeared from existence leaving nothing behind but plate of cookies.

"Oh!  Cookies!" cheered D.

Vicil's last proof of life was eaten by a half assed caricature of the Devil with floating lips.

=======================================================================

Role Playing...

The mob crashed in through a Hello Kittie poster and saw Rei, Asuka, and Shinji acting stupid in a clever and well rehearsed way.

Rei jumped up.  "KILL THE BITCH AND GRAB SHINJI!  LET'S PARTAAAYYYY!!!"

=======================================================================

Somewhere orange...

Vicil woke up in a place that was not of his knowledge.  He was floating face down in a warm, orange goop.  He was breathing it, which made his fanboy mind jump for joy that he's dreaming about EVA again.

"Cool!" he thought. "Now I can dive deep underwater and not run out of air or use my superhero powers to make EVA a happy ending where Asuka likes Shinji and Rei gets Kaworu and Hikari gets Touji and Misato gets Kaji and Ritsuko gets Maya and Kensuke watches and Gendo is at last reunited with his wife, Yui."

"Think again, cupid."

"Huh?  Who said that?  Did I just think that or did I say it?"

"You thought it."

"There it is again."

"SHUT UP!!!"

Vicil grabbed his head in pain.  "AHH!  What the hell is that?"

"You mean to say you don't recognize my voice?" A TV screen popped up in front of Vicil's face.

"... D?"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" He laughed.  "Didn't expect to see me here, did you?!"

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME?!"

"Funny you should ask.  You see, when you brought me into the real world to ask out Sarah, you left a gap in the fanfic time continuum.  All I had to do was write you into a story and bingo."

Vicil looked himself over.  His once muscular, well-endowed SI body had been reduced to a fat, balding, zit-faced teenager.  He quickly checked his pants.  "AHH!  YOU MONSTER!  MY DICK IS TWO INCHES LONG!!!"

"And that isn't even the best part!  I've been secretly adding to your story on your computer while you slept.  I created that army to go and capture every single Shinji from S/A fics, thus, ruining yours, and every other S/A fan's dreams of uniting them.  As long as I'm around, the world will NEVER see another S/A fic!"

"When I get out of here..."

"IF you get out of there."

"I'm going to tear you a brand new asshole."

"Riiiight.  Well, that's all well and good, but I've got some stories to wreck.  See ya!" D pressed a button and the TV screen blipped out of existence.  Vicil made a mad grab for it but missed.

He knew he had to get back to EFF as fast as he could before D ruined all the good fics.  He swam to shore in his brand new wale body and coughed up the LCL in his lungs.  "Now where am I?" he thought to himself.  He surveyed his surroundings.  He was on a beach next to a fault line.  He looked back out to sea to see one of the EVA series fully repaired, kneeling down, looking like it was trying to pull a stick out of it's S2 engine.  He knew this was a continuation fic, he just didn't know which one.  Not too far down the beach was an enormous chunk of concrete rammed into a cleft wall of dirt.  It seemed to be remains of what was once the floor of a parking garage.

That was when he suddenly realized something.  Since D was a character of EFF and the gap in the fanfic time continuum was in EFF to begin with, Vicil should have the same powers as his characters from EFF, including his very own Vortex of Infinite Space™!  He reached behind his back...

And pulled out his very own shogun sword!!!

"Kick ass!!!" he cheered.  Wondering what else he got from his new body, he dug into his vortex.  Among the things he pulled out were a trench coat, combat boots, a pair of kick ass sunglasses, the standard REALLY BIG GUN, a wall scroll of Asuka, and his disk of all the chapters of his stories so far.

He held the last item in his hand for a moment and pondered.  "Wait a second... THAT'S IT!!!"  Vicil quickly crammed all of his stuff back into his vortex leaving on the trench coat, combat boots, sunglasses and shogun sword to create a bass ass atmosphere around him.  The he took off in search of a computer.

*BUMP*

Vicil stumbled back after running into none other than Kaworu Nagisa.

"Hey!  Watch it!" shouted Kaworu.

"Me?!  I ought to kick your... What the hell are you doing in a continuation fic?"

"I came back with Rei." Kaworu said calmly. "And what's a continuation fic?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"  It was worse that he thought.  He was in 'Angels of Armageddon!' Vicil whipped out his sword and hacked off Kaworu's head with one quick swipe.

Three days later...

The land was saved, Rei and Kaworu were dead and the army had departed.  The survivors who chose to stay were content with the peace they shared.  Vicil gingerly placed Shinji next to Asuka's stiff body.  With a simple snap of his fingers, the two woke up, fell in love, got married, had babies, and were never harassed by Rei, Kaworu, or any other angel ever again.

"Whew... Good stories are so hard to come by these days.  Uh, do any of you happen to have a passage to the Internet?"

As if on cue...

A whirlpool of energy appeared right next to Vicil.  In front of it popped a monitor screen.  Ryan Xavier was sobbing in a tissue.  "Get out of my story you mean, narrow-minded ASSHOLE!!!"

"Sorry, Ryan, but you made the mistake of making a love triangle where Rei stole Shinji from Asuka.  YOU JUST COULDN'T LET THEM BE, COULD YOU!!!"  With that, Vicil struck a dramatic pose and leapt into the far reaches of cyberspace, awaiting the maaaaaany piles of hate male for destroying the only good inspiration of continuation fics with Rei in them.

=======================================================================

Back in EFF, where it was still Sunday...

The monster stopped at the standard hollowed out mountain containing a secret base of operations.  A giant intercom ejected from the mountain rock.

"PLEASE INPUT VOICE CODE, NOW."

The monster bent down so it's head was level with the intercom.

*BELCH*

"VOICE CODE ACCEPTED.  WELCOME BACK, AGENT PEN PEN."

The mountain opened up into an enormous staircase.  It quietly snuck in and descended to the depths below.

The giant staircase opened up into a secret base as was mentioned above.  It's a cheap rip off of NERV because the writer was too busy with his own problems to describe it for us.

The monster positioned itself in its cage and held its right hand, carrying Shinji and the pile formerly known as Asuka, up to its chin before it shut down.

Pen Pen climbed out of his tampon thingy and waddled onto the hand.  He released Shinji from his plank using a light saber.

"Hey!  Neat!" Giggled Shinji, reaching for the merchandise.

"WAAUGH!!!" Pen Pen struck a karate stance and nailed 'big/little Shinji.'  Shinji grabbed himself and fell on his ass.

Pen Pen picked up Asuka and waddled back to the tampon thingy. Then he dropped Asuka in, turned the dial to 400% and closed the hatch.

"I thought you were retired." Whined Shinji.

"WAAUGH!"

"Oh."

Pen Pen and Shinji then climbed onto a cherry picker and rode down to a big red ball in the monsters chest.

"So what is this thing, anyway?"

"WAAUGH, WAAUGH WAARK!"

"I don't want to know later, I want to know now."

Pen Pen snapped his flipper.  A bunch of walruses flew down on their jet packs and carried Shinji away.

"Okay!  Later it is!" Shinji shouted as he was thrown in the ball room with the rest of the brats the parents brought to work with.

Once Pen Pen reached the base of the big red ball in the monster's chest, he reached in with his flipper and pulled out a fully healed, and naked, Asuka, who was snoring loudly.  Pen Pen started smacking her across the face to wake her up.

*SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRE*

Pen Pen thought for a moment.  Another Penguin ran up and held a light bulb over his head.  Pen Pen thought of something and the light bulb turned on.  He whipped out a ball glove, a Christmas tree, a shoe, a microwave oven, some canola oil...

A few seconds later...

Pen Pen crashed through the ball room door and landed next to Shinji.  Asuka stomped up to the entrance.  "Don't you ever do that to me again you stupid bird!!!"

"Waark." Pen Pen responded meekly.

Asuka then noticed Shinji was in the room.  "SHINJI!"  She ran up and prepared to give the boy the best glomp he ever had.

Shinji's nose spurt blood like a garden hose.  The entire room was covered in three seconds, and he passed out.  Asuka stood dripping from head to toe with snot and blood.  "Did I miss something?"

"Waark." whispered Pen Pen.  He motioned for her to look down.

Asuka quickly glanced at her nude, sopping figure.  "Oh, my."  She quickly dove under the balls (no pun intended).

Suddenly, a whirlpool of energy opened up next to Shinji and Vicil fell out, carrying a copy of the Nightmare Campus movie he stole from a bidder on Ebay.  He quickly zipped up the vortex and collapsed against the wall.

"Damn!  There is WAY too much pornography out there!" he said, tucking the movie behind his back.

=======================================================================

The hospital...

"ONE!  TWO!  THREE!!!"

Ritsuko and Maya heaved with all their strength.  Hikari's foot finally popped out of Touji's ass.  Touji then leap-frogged over the bed rail, made a mad dash to the bathroom and slammed the door shut.  The sounds of relief could be heard.

Kensuke pissed in his cast for the sixth time after laughing harder than he ever had in his life.

Ritsuko and Maya wiped their sweat off.  Hikari shot another sneer at them.  "STOP THAT!"  Ritsuko and Maya removed their hands from each other's pants.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" Touji burst out of the bathroom.  "DOCTOR, HELP!  THERE'S AN ALIEN POD GROWING ON MY FORHEAD!!!"

TO BE CONTINUED...

=======================================================================

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

Next time on Evangelion Fan Funny, preparations begin for the final battle.  Kyoko calls Shinji's parents and tells them EVERYTHING.  Shinji and Asuka are in deep shit.  Vicil starts work on the ultimate weapon.  And Hikari does something that I haven't figured out yet.

It's all here next time on EVANGELION FAN FUNNY CHAPTER 7: AXEL TERIZAKI'S WET DREAM!!!

Okay, time to apologize and clear my name.

I know I may have offended a lot of writers in this chapter.  For that I am sorry.  Especially to Ryan Xavier/Otakusadist, who has been a REAL class act to the way I've been treating him.  Sorry for it all Ryan, I really am.

I didn't have permission from anybody to use their characters in this chapter, and I hope most of them probably don't care.  Should I get kicked off of FF.net, I have to do research to figure out how I'm ever going to get my web site up and running.  It's probably one of the crappiest things out there.

To any fans that I may have insulted, I am sorry.  I am quite protective of Asuka and the A/S relationship.  And while I'm sure everybody has a beef with Evaless, my harsh treatment of Angels of Armageddon was too much.  To me, an 'Asuka/Shinji/???' love triangle with ??? getting Shinji is bad enough; but when Angels came out, it pushed me over the edge, because it wasn't even a love triangle.  Rei stole Shinji from Asuka.  And not only that, I'm pretty sure Ryan is going to kill her off.  I couldn't even bring myself to finish reading it, even if it is supposed to be good.

And don't even get me started on the Asuka/Touji and Asuka/Kensuke relationships.  Everybody knows that they're only put in those Rei stories because the author feels a slight need to make Asuka happy.  And while that totally unrealistic version of Asuka may be happy, it's an insult to the legion of A/S fans who have the stomach to read '???/S' fics.  Unless the story is ABOUT Asuka and Touji/Kensuke, just leave her be.  The chances she could develop a relationship with Shinji are unlikely enough.  Don't piss on it by pairing her with them.  Asuka's only other relationship could be Kaji and you know it, just like Rei's only other relationship could be Kaworu.  If they're not around, then it's a sad ending for Asuka and Rei, which is good enough for me.

      And yes, I know that I'm a hypocrite because I wrote a story with people OOC, but this is a comedic story where everything was purposely out of context.  I didn't think I'd ever had to clarify that.  My rant on OOC related to serious fics only.

Many thanks to Weltall Elite, an incredible motivator and truthful editor.  Rock on dude.

vicil2000@hotmail.com or vicil2000@evangelion.com