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Warning: I don't care what you think.
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Dear Studio GAiNAX,
I stole your characters and I'm writing a story with them.
Later,
Vicil
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Part 5: One Little, Two Little, Three Little Asuka's
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The standard hollowed out volcano with secret base of operations...
Asuka, Shinji, Pen Pen and Vicil were gathered in a circle. Shinji had since gotten himself a new set of clothes from one of the lockers. It was some kind of uniform that made him look as gay as ever. Shinji could only swallow his pride and bare wearing it. Asuka had pulled her rubber PJ's out of the purple monster and jumped into those. As of now, Vicil was bringing them up to date on current events.
"So, these things are called EVAs?" Asuka asked pointing to the giant, scrawny monsters wearing titanium spandex.
"Yes." Replied Vicil.
"And we pilot them via these tiny headsets that send our brain signals to their brains?" Asked Shinji, holding up a white headset.
"WAUGH!" Replied Pen Pen.
"And our entire universe is a fanfic based on a TV series?" Asked Asuka, again.
"Uh, huh." Responded Vicil.
"And that mob of people that are chasing us is part of a giant army spreading out over the fanfic universe, capturing every Shinji from Asuka/Shinji fanfics?" asked Shinji.
"Yup." Said Vicil.
"And the one who created that army is a figment of your imagination that wrote you into the story as a fat, bald kid with a major case of acne?" Asked Asuka, getting a hint of a grin on the corner of her mouth.
"Yeah..." Groaned Vicil.
"And you need our help to, *he*, to hold off a legion of women after ME so that you can find this figment and get back your laptop?" Giggled Shinji.
"Yes..." Whined Vicil.
"And you have no way to find him, *ha, ha, ha*, no clue where to start looking for him, and, *ha, ha*, no idea what to do if you ever do?" Giggled Asuka, trying not to lose it in front of Vicil.
"I have an idea, but..."
Shinji and Asuka were desperately trying to stifle their laughter. Shinji tried to compose himself. "And, *ha*, and you – you think there's almost no chance this will work but *snort* it's the best plan there is?"
"Well..."
"ARE THE PENGUINS WORKING THE TANKS OR ARE THEY JUST GOING TO WATCH?!!" Asuka screamed, then they both fell on the floor laughing as hard as they can.
Vicil put his face in his hands and Pen Pen hung his head in hopelessness.
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Sohryu residence...
Kyoko dragged herself off the floor. Several dusty footprints painted her body a nice black and blue. Her lips fell off and bounced on the floor once before coming to rest in the doorframe of Asuka's closet. Kyoko groaned in pain as she lifted herself to her feet and snatched up her lips. She tiredly pressed them back on her face as she recalled the events leading up to her unconsciousness.
"Okay, let's see..." She thought to herself. "... It's eleven o'clock now, Shinji came by at nine, and I left them so they could talk. Twenty minutes later... OH SHIT!" It all rushed back into her mind. Asuka; secret base in closet; Shinji cuffed to plank; millions of women and men; boyfriend; Shinji blow-up doll; anal sex with blow-up doll; the land of chocolate; wet dream; running of the bulls.
Kyoko thought for a moment and disregarded the last three.
She ran into the closet to find it completely empty. All the monitors on the south wall showed static and 'SUBJECT LOST' displays.
"ASUKA!!!" She shouted. "ASUKA, GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE RIGHT NOW!!!" There was no answer. She saw the hole at the far end of the area, but just as she was about to check it out, her newly acquired common sense suggested that Asuka might be at Shinji's house and that her poor little girl may be losing, or has already lost her virginity to that vicious little playboy right now! Kyoko made for the phone at warp speed.
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Ikari residence...
Yui had been home alone all morning. Shinji hadn't come home last night, which had been making her worry a bit, but she always calmed her nerves by reminding herself that Shinji was her son; a boy trained more in responsibility than any other human being. He practically did things at the crack of a whip, which was very useful after she had invited dinner guests. He always folded at any possible threat, so she knew that he never travels alone. He was most likely at Asuka's, Touji's, or Kensuke's house.
Still, the immense maternal bond she had to him did cause her to sweat a little as she walked passed her stuffed and mounted umbilical cord on the banister. Trying to ease her mind, she took a shower and did some other activities to keep her hands busy, and away from the telephone to put out a city wide search for her wittle-Shinji.
*RING*
Realizing she had a reason to go to the phone, Yui quickly threw down her GC controller and picked up the telephone.
"Hello?"
*Yourbastardsonisfuckingmydaughter!!!*
"What?"
*YOURBASTARDSONISFUCKINGMYDAUGHTER!!!*
"Kyoko?"
*WHERETHEHELLARESHINJIANDASUKA?!!*
"Kyoko! Put spaces between you words!"
*I said: your bastard son is fucking my daughter! Where the hell are Shinji and Asuka?!*
"Shinji's WHAT?????"
*I just saw Asuka say she's in love with that playboy in front of a whole mob of women and men that say they are going to take him away from Asuka because he's going out with HER instead of THEM!!!*
"WHAT?????"
*I'll bet they've been going at it for months now! They've run off somewhere and I don't know where to find them!*
"Wait there! I'm getting Gendo and I'm coming right over!"
*CLICK*
Yui slammed down her receiver, grabbed her car keys and dashed out the door wearing only her towel and hair curlers.
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The hospital...
"Come on, honey, let's go." Said Maya.
"No way, lesbo!" Screamed Hikari.
Maya had been trying to drag Hikari out of the hospital for an hour, but since the awkward incident involving Maya and Ritsuko's relationship, Hikari had blocked herself off from Maya's authority. At any point when Maya tried to befriend Hikari or get her closer to the door without her noticing, Hikari would pull back to the far wall behind Kensuke's bed. The crowd that had previously come for the 'foot in Touji's ass' entertainment were now taking bets on how long it would take Maya to get Hikari out of there. Laughing was replaced by loud cheering as one by one; the gamblers ran out of time. Unfortunately for the characters in the room, the ones who left the betting grounds were replaced by more spectators and gamblers; drawn by the chanting and the size of the pot.
Touji was waiting anxiously beside the door for a break in the crowd so that he could leave while Maya and Ritsuko were creeping around Kensuke's bed.
"Please, Hikari, we have a very busy day ahead of us. The sooner you get out of there the better." Stressed Ritsuko.
"Tough!" Snapped Hikari, shifting Kensuke's bed in front of her whenever the two women made an advance. "There is no way I'm going to go home with you, MAYA! An as for Dr. Akagi, I could care less what she does!"
"MFFMFFMFFMFFMFFMFFMFFMFF!"
"SHUT UP KENSUKE!!!" Hikari pounded his head to reinforce her statement.
"That's enough, young lady! If you don't come out from back there by the time I count to ten..."
"Mom, I'm 14, that doesn't work on me anymore."
"One..."
"Oh, please I can't believe your going to go through with this."
"Two..."
"I'm not moving, mom!"
"Three!"
"You can count to one-million as far as- Gahh!" Ritsuko leapt at Hikari once her attention was diverted well enough. Hikari ducked under the bed and Ritsuko landed on Kensuke's face. Her left boob flopped out and got squished into Kensuke's eyehole in the cast.
"MFF!!!" cheered Kensuke. (Translation: Kick ass!!!)
Ritsuko could feel a wet tongue licking her bare flesh. She grabbed the IV pole and brought it down on the soft flap over Kensuke's groin. That didn't really help when Kensuke bit into his booby meal.
With Ritsuko stuck, Maya leapt into the fray. Hikari crawled under the bed as Maya reached the other side and shoved it toward her. Maya was knocked back into the wall.
"Stop it!!!" Shouted Hikari. "God! I hate you people! I would rather spend the night at Touji's that go home with you crazy weirdos!"
That caught Touji's attention. "What?!! No! No way Hikari!"
"Actually, I think I will!" She shouted at Maya, not even paying attention to Touji. Hikari ran over to the corner and grabbed Touji by the collar. "Yeah! I'm going to spend the night at TOUJI'S!" She started dragging him out the doorframe. "I may even spend the entire week there. And... And we're only going to eat pizza! And we're going to stay up late! And we won't go to school! And... And we might even have SEX! YEAH! HOT SWEATY SEX!!! HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, MOM!!!"
Maya was desperately trying to push the bed off of her so she could go after her daughter, but the wild thrashing of her significant other prevented her from doing so. Hikari hit the door switch. It slid open and fifteen people fell in. A massive cheer rang into the room. Two of the hospital staff were showered with money as the winners of the pot.
"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!!!" Screamed Hikari. The force of Hikari's voice splattered the hospital staff against the wall. Sticky piles of gore started to drip down as Hikari pulled Touji out of the room.
Touji grabbed the doorframe just before he was pulled out. "Kensuke! Help! I don't even know what sex is!"
"MFFMFFMFFMFFMFF! MFFMFFMFF!" Shouted Kensuke's muffled voice. (Translation: Just go with her, man! You'll like it!)
Touji was pried loose and Hikari hit the lock, trapping the trio inside the room and leaving them plenty of time to escape.
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The Internet...
The three surviving members of the mob fell out of the door to Evaless with Shinji in tow. Dorothy sucked in the fresh smell of the dysfunction of the Internet as she collapsed on her knees, panting like a dog. "*GASP*, *GASP*, When we get back, I'm not even going to take a number. I couldn't possibly stay awake long enough in my condition."
"No kidding." Grunted Hsien-Ko. "I could go for nothing more than a nap at this point."
"Are you guy's kidding!?" Cried A-KO, hefting Shinji over her shoulder. "I could take at least four more! What's left on the list?"
Dorothy pulled out the spreadsheet. "Well, we got everything but the extreme humor fics, but those are way out of our league, A-KO."
"Yeah," interrupted Hsien-Ko, "You really don't want to mess with the Asuka's in the X-humor fics unless you got an army."
"So, what?" smirked A-KO. "I've got superpowers. I can take anything."
"All right..." Sighed Dorothy. "This door leads to 'Evangelion: Is Nothing Sacred?' Apparently since the Strangely Darkfic characters are going around to other fics, only this one is attainable."
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Back in Child of Love...
FLASH!
The group emerged from Misato's IBH (Interdimensional Beer Hole) again and into another parallel world apartment. This one seemed cleaner than the last one. In fact, it was cleaner than theirs was. When they looked around, it seemed like no one was there. They looked up to see what the sign said. It wasn't there.
"What the?"
A little note appeared where the sign was supposed to be. It read:
"This sign is not active for good fics. I don't want you to ruin them."
-the Author
"Hmmph! Who does he think we are!?" Asuka complained.
"People who go looking at other guys, apparently..." Shinji muttered.
"Shinji, I said I was sorry..."
"Be prepared." Rei said coldly. Apparently, she was expecting something. "It may be an ambush."
The four heroes braced themselves for any new threat, such as self-inserted characters or horny, dimwitted authors; or, (God forbid) the elusive Darkfic. Of course, this was totally unfounded worry, as good fics don't have these. Regardless, what came next was totally unexpected.
"Eek!" yelled a freaked Shinji. Something had grabbed his leg, and since it wasn't Asuka, Wuss-boy was scared.
"How cute!" exclaimed Rei and Misato as Shinji tried to pull the baby from his leg.
"Well, of course!" Asuka joined in. "She's a redhead!"
Rei snorted in disgust.
"Get it off! Get it off!"
"Jeez... wimp..." said Asuka as she took the baby in her arms. The baby smiled. "Hey! I think she likes me! Teri-chan." She read on the back of the baby's clothes.
The baby giggled at the sound of her name.
"What kind of name is that?"
"Shut up, Misato! I think it's cute!"
"I wonder who would be so irresponsible as to leave such a small child without care?" Rei asked.
"Maybe it's Misato's child." Shinji suggested.
"Hey! I'm not that bad! Besides, it's a redhead. And... you know... it kinda has your eyes, Shinji. I know! Maybe it's your and Asuka's love child!"
Asuka and Shinji stared at each other and experienced full facial blushes. Rei groaned. Misato started laughing... What a good joke. The chances of those two having a kid...
"I think someone else is here..." Rei noted as light snoring sounds could be heard thanks to the pre-reader's luck.
"I know that sound!" exclaimed Shinji, running towards the source of said sound.
There, they found a visibly exhausted Asuka lying on the kitchen floor, a pool of drool forming on the side of her mouth.
"Disgusting." Rei said as she scrunched up her face in disgust.
"Hey!"
"I... I think it's cute..." tried Shinji.
"Shin-chan! So you don't hate me?!"
"Of course not... I know you love me..."
"Oh, your such a sweety-baka!"
Misato tried to ignore the couple as she took the baby and put it at the other Asuka's side.
"Gendo wasn't here. He likes to steal candy from babies." Observed Rei, pointing towards a lollipop little Teri sucked for a while before sticking it into the alternate Asuka's hair.
"I guess your right, Rei." Misato said, staring in disbelief. "Come on, guys, let's go!"
"Bye Teri-chan!" waved Asuka before disappearing into Misato's IBH.
However, since the over-inflated egotism of the Strangely Darkfic characters tended to make them overlook things, they missed the huge chunk of missing wall behind them and the dreadful bruise under Asuka's tired cheek. They left CoL's world the way they came to it, never to return unless the author contacts me.
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The Internet...
"Actually," noted Dorothy, "since Asuka and Shinji don't get together until the end of the series, you might have a chance."
"All right!" cheered A-KO. She dumped the Evaless Shinji into their arms and took off into the spoofiness of 'Is Nothing Sacred?' and shut the door behind her.
Four seconds later, a horrible shriek was heard on the other side of the door as the sounds of something ravenous tore the flesh from a poor victim. The door swung open and an errant leg flew out and rolled to a stop at Hsien-Ko's feet.
It had A-KO's boot on it.
"Uh... Let's come back to this one."
"Sounds good."
They took off down the highway into cyberspace with "Evaless" Shinji in tow.
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Gendo's unmentionable place of employment [they're all the same anyway]...
Gendo stood outside as the fire department started their advance on the burning building. Next to him, Fyutsuki lay on a gurney with a heart monitor strapped to his bare chest. The morning sun was still gracing the day. At least it was a nice day for a disaster to happen.
"So, boss," Gendo started, "does this mean we get the week off?" That earned the expected chuckle from Fyutsuki he wanted.
Suddenly he heard a radical beeping next to him. Gendo turned to Fyutsuki's heart monitor showing him slipping into V-phib. Gendo grabbed the paddles and put another shock to Fyutsuki's system. The heart rate returned to normal and Fyutsiki continued to chuckle.
A car came careening into the parking lot and screeched to a halt next to Gendo. The window opened and Yui popped her head out. "Gendo! Get in!"
"What's going on?" he responded.
"It's happened!"
"What happened?"
"IT!"
"IT?!"
"Yes, IT! Come on!" she yelled.
Gendo whipped out a headband and tranquilizer rifle. He jumped over the hood and climbed into the car. Yui sped off away from the fire.
"Did you remember the GPS?" he grunted.
"No, but I kept one in the car. Shinji's somewhere in the mountains."
"So why are we heading east?"
"We have to stop at Kyoko's to pick her up."
"He went with Asuka? I thought he was afraid of her."
"Nope. Kyoko says that Asuka said she loved Shinji in front of a mob of women after him." explained Yui.
"A whole mob?!" Gendo exclaimed. "How did we miss that?"
"I can't understand how this happened either."
Gendo grunted at the window and sagged in his seat. Glancing at his wife, he noticed Yui's apparel and his nose started bleeding slightly. "Uh... nice outfit." He said nervously.
Yui glanced down at herself and blushed something awful. "Uh... thanks." She giggled. "You look pretty good too... with... all that soot... and... and that headband..."
"You look... so soft and... shiny... and... that light..."
"You look like Rambo..."
"You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen..."
The car came to a screeching halt on the side of the road and both of them climbed into the back seat.
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The standard hollowed out volcano with secret base of operations...
"Okay everyone!" commanded Vicil. "To make this work, I'm going to need a laptop until I can get my own back.
"Fan fiction..." Asuka and Shinji giggled. "What kind of loser writes stories about a TV series."
"IT'S MORE THAN YOU EVER DID, YOU CRAZY BITCH!!!" shouted Vicil.
Suddenly, Asuka's hair stood up and fanned out. "RAAAARRRRGH!!!" she wailed, then leapt at Vicil and proceeded to beat him into the ground. Shinji and Pen Pen jumped on Asuka in an effort to restrain her, but she threw them off easily. The walruses flew up on their jet packs and tore Asuka off of him. She thrashed wildly in their flippers. They almost dropped her before they had a chance to throw her in the ball room and slam the lock to keep her in. The walrus that hit the switch sighed in relief. Then two thunderous collisions with the hatch brought fourth two huge dents in the reinforced steel that bonked it on the head and it was knocked unconscious. The other walrus caught him before he fell to his death and carried him off to unit one.
Pen Pen sighed. He whipped out a bottle of 'LCL by St. Ives.' and poured it over Vicil's heap of a body. Vicil dissolved into the concrete. Then Pen Pen spit in the puddle and Vicil's SI body reconstructed itself into the fat, balding kid... sadly.
Vicil's head wavered for a bit but he quickly composed himself. "Ouch." He stated. Shinji nodded in agreement.
"As I was saying," he continued, "I need a laptop to get this started." He looked at Pen Pen.
"WAARK!" said Pen Pen.
"What do you mean, 'No'?"
"WAARK, WAARK WAUGH! WAUGH WAUGH WAUGH WAARK WAAAAAUGH!"
"You have an entire secret base full of the latest technology and you didn't bother to buy one frieking laptop?"
"Waugh." replied Pen Pen.
"I don't care about budget. This place must have cost jillions of Yen, and you couldn't set aside a hundred thousand for a laptop?"
"Wark."
"Never mind then. Just give me some paper and a pen."
"WAAK!"
"Well what DO you have?"
Pen Pen whipped out a piece of bark and a crayon.
"Fine!" Vicil snatched it out of Pen Pen's flipper and turned around. He started writing something they couldn't see, then he broke the bark into four different pieces and handed one to Shinji and Pen Pen. "Damn. I think I'm going to need Asuka too."
"What the hell is this," whined Shinji, "a screenplay?"
"WAARK!" added Pen Pen.
"Just go with it!" shouted Vicil. "I'll go get Asuka." Vicil strapped himself to a jet pack that was lying around and flew up to the ball room, leaving Shinji and Pen Pen to rehearse.
Vicil landed on the catwalk and hit the release for the ball room door. Asuka was standing in its place with her arms crossed looking more pissed than ever.
"Uh..." Vicil started. "I'm sorry I called you a bitch."
Asuka nailed him in the face, sinking her fist into his skull. When she pulled it out, Vicil's face was stuck in the hole the fist had left. He smacked the sides of his head and popped his face out.
"And don't you forget it!" grunted Asuka. She turned and walked to the elevator.
Vicil sighed and flew back down to Shinji and Pen Pen. Asuka came out of the elevator once he reached the bottom. He handed her the third piece of bark and took off his jet pack. "All right. All you guys have to do is come out onto the platform and say your lines."
"This is the stupidest thing I've ever read." snorted Asuka.
"I was given a piece of bark and a crayon. What did you expect?"
"Can we just get this over with." interrupted Shinji.
Asuka snorted and stormed off to a corner of the platform, being sure to knock Vicil with her shoulder on the way. The rest of them sighed and proceeded to the other four corners.
Asuka pranced out on the platform and held up her script. "Oh no! My English paper is due in three days and I am without a computer to research the subject!"
Shinji jumped out next to her and struck a pose. "I to am without a computer. And since I am your partner in English and we were assigned to work on the same assignment together, I to feel lost and in need of assistance!"
Pen Pen waddled out next to Shinji and lifted his arms to the ceiling. "WAARK! WAUGH WARK WAUGH!"
Vicil jumped out on stage across from the three. "But there IS a way, my companions whom I have never met before! On the Microsoft network!"
"The Microsoft network?" Shinji and Asuka said in unison.
"Waark?" asked Pen Pen.
"Yes! The Microsoft network! Harnessing the power of the Internet to enrich our lives!" Vicil cheered.
"But isn't Microsoft one of the shittiest programs in the world?" asked Shinji.
"Absolutely not, my companion whom I have never met before! Microsoft uses the most up to date technology to create a user friendly atmosphere for the consumer!"
"Wow! The Microsoft network is awesome!" exclaimed Shinji.
"It truly is." smiled Vicil. He turned to the audience. "The Microsoft network! The way of the future!" and he finished with a thumbs up.
The spotlights went off and the four wiped the almost drug-induced smiled off of their faces. A lawyer ran up to Vicil and handed him a laptop and a wad of cash. "Oh! Thank you!" exclaimed Vicil.
Once the lawyer left, Vicil and the rest of the gang threw up.
"Yuck!" spat Shinji. "If I ever have to do another plug for the Microsoft network, I really am going to kill myself."
"I feel so dirty." shivered Asuka. "How were you able to stand that?" she asked Vicil.
"I come from Prince Albert, Saskatchewan. You'd be surprised what we do for entertainment."
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A road...
As it turns out, Hikari has a heavy foot on the gas pedal. Touji found that out the scary way as they rampaged around Tokyo-3 in Maya's stolen Station wagon. Touji clutched the armrest harder and harder as he sunk into the seat, watching the buildings fly by like cicadas. Right now, they were thankfully on the freeway stretch between the commercial area and the residential zone. Not another sharp turn for at least another six kilometers. Touji had thirty seconds to get his bearings.
"This is the way we came to the hospital, right?" asked Hikari politely.
"Friber durber!" Touji responded, still unable to correctly form words.
"I'll take that as a yes."
Touji's fish-eye view of the speeding grass planes became the subtle homes of the residential district without much time. Hikari checked the addresses of the whizzing houses. Once she saw Touji's, she quickly slammed on the brakes. The car fishtailed and skidded to a halt, perfectly centered in the driveway.
Hikari whipped out some sunglasses and stuck her head out the window. "Like a glove!" She turned the car off and got out. Touji, on the other hand, didn't move at all. Hikari walked around to his window and tapped on it. Touji was submerged in the cushion of his seat and his fingers had dug themselves deep into the armrest. His eyelids and his lips were peeled back, showing a full smile from ear to ear. Hikari opened the door and tapped him on the forehead.
"CL0SE THE DOOR, MAN!!! WE'RE BEING SUCKED OUT IN THE VORTEX!!!" he screamed.
"Touji!" shouted Hikari. "We're here."
"Where?"
"Here. Home." She explained.
"No! It's a trick! We're at another red light!"
"No, Touji. We're at your house."
Touji timidly looked at Hikari. She motioned to the house like a game show prize girl. He slowly stuck his head out the car door and saw that he was indeed at home.
"Oh, thank God!" he cried. He unbuckled his seatbelt and ran toward the door, digging around in his pocket to get his key. Hikari closed the car door for him and followed him.
Touji opened the door and quickly ran inside. He threw off his shoes and ran to the kitchen, opened the fridge, and chugged down a can of his dad's six-pack. He sighed and collapsed on a chair.
Hikari appeared in the doorframe, appearing to survey the house.
"GAHH!" cried Touji. He leapt up onto the table and reflexively threw the beer can at Hikari. He missed and it splashed against the wall. Hikari snapped her head towards Touji.
"What the hell was that for?!" she shouted.
"You scared the shit out of me!" he shot back. "What are you still doing here?"
"I told you, I'm spending the night."
"Not here! I barely survived an hour with you! I'm sure as hell I don't want to spent the night with you in the same house!"
Hikari started strutting up to him. "Well, I'm not going anywhere tonight." She growled. "Asuka hasn't answered her phone all week, and I am definitely not going to sleep in the same home as mom!" She jumped up and grabbed his collar so she could drag his head down to her eye level. "So either you sleep outside, or you can stick it out with me!"
"Yes, ma'am!" he shivered.
"Good." She let go of his collar and sat down on Touji's chair. Touji climbed down from the table and sat down across from her.
A long silence passed between them. Hikari spent her time checking out Touji's house. Touji sat perfectly still and straight. 'Must not tempt the beast... Must not tempt the beast...' he repeated to himself over and over in his mind.
"Nice place." She said.
Touji flinched at the sound of her voice, but after he realized it wasn't high pitched or shrill, he chanced continuing the conversation. His mind was telling him that if he didn't answer her, she might hit him. "Uh... Th- Thanks."
"I expected it to be messier." She said, crossing her legs and putting her arms on the table.
"Wh- Why is that?" he squeaked.
"Because your such a jerk in school, I would have thought you'd be a slob."
"Oh..." Touji said, somewhat taken aback.
More silence.
"Where are your parents?" asked Hikari.
"Dad had to work today, and I guess mom went out for groceries. She was here when I left."
"Ahh..." She replied.
More silence. Some chick's head exploded while she was making out with her boyfriend and he got sentenced to death via lethal injection.
Suddenly, they heard a thumping coming from down in the basement. A little girl came running up the stairs and hopped into the kitchen. "Touji! Touji! Touji! Touji!" she said as she bounced up and down. She hopped over to he brother and gave him a big hug.
"Hi, Mari." said Touji. "Where you okay while I was gone?"
"Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream!"
"You had ice cream?"
"Cookies too! Cookies too! Cookies too!"
"Did you save me some?"
Mari shook her head and stuck out her tongue. Touji sighed in his seat. Mari continued bouncing up and down. She turned around to Hikari and started chanting, "Whose that! Whose that!"
"Uh... Mari, This is Hikari." Touji said nervously.
Mari bounced over to Hikari. "I'm Mari!"
"Hi Mari!" Hikari said playfully. "I'm Hikari."
"Hikari is spending the night with us, Mari." Touji joined in.
Mari stopped bouncing. "Ooooooooooohh... Touji has a girlfriend!"
Touji and Hikari blushed horribly.
"Touji has a girlfriend! Touji has a girlfriend! Touji has a girlfriend!"
"No! Mari! She's not my girlfriend!"
"Touji has a girlfriend! Touji has a girlfriend! Touji has a girlfriend!"
"I'm not his girlfriend!"
"Touji has a girlfriend! Touji has a girlfriend! Touji has a girlfriend!"
Touji and Hikari took off after Mari and hung her upside down from the ceiling fan.
"OOOOOooooOOOOooooOOOOooooOOOOooooOOOOooooOOOOooooOOOOoooo..."
They took her down and threw her into the basement. The song styling sounds of 'Touji and Hikari, Sitting in a Tree' were at least muffled by the door.
Touji sighed. "I love her, but she drives me insane."
"I know exactly what you mean. I have my own siblings that annoy me." Hikari responded.
"Really? Want to talk about it over a drink?"
"I don't drink beer."
"Neither do I. I just missed the Pepsi." Touji grabbed his gut. "Ugh..." he groaned. "Excuse me." He ran off to the bathroom and barfed his stomach empty.
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Somewhere in the commercial district...
Yui snapped he seatbelt into place and grabbed the wheel. "Ready to go?"
"Just give me a sec. I can't get my fly up." Gendo grunted as he struggled with his pants. Yui took the time to check her hair in the mirror. She had taken the liberty to borrow her husband's undershirt and jacket; then she tied the towel around her waist as a skirt. Gendo stuck with his dress shirt and pants and left the tracking equipment in the backseat. "Okay, let's go." He said reaching for his seatbelt.
Yui started up the car and hit the gas. Suddenly, a body was thrown in front of the car. Yui squealed in surprise and hit the brakes. There was a soft thump on the hood as the car came to a halt. They both immediately got out to check if the person was harmed in any way.
Around the front of the car was a young teenage boy dressed in a school uniform. He had white hair and red, puffy eyes, indicating he had been crying.
"Oh, God! Are you okay?!" Yui panicked. Her hands were reaching out to comfort him but she was unsure if he would be hurt, so they nervously combed the air around the boy's body.
"No, I'm not OKAY!" sobbed the boy. "My life is OVER! Why didn't you just run me over?! It happens all the time! No one would have noticed my pathetic body laying in the street!"
"Oh, that's not true! Tell him, Gendo; it's not true, is it."
"Uh, g- uh, No! No it's not true." Gendo stammered.
"What happened to you?!" stammered Yui. "What could possibly want to make you kill yourself?! And on such an nice day?" She neglected to mention that she had lost her son and Gendo's work building caught on fire.
"ARE YOU KIDDING?!!" the boy screamed. "I've been going all over town to try and fix it! It just doesn't work anymore!" He curled up into himself and sobbed on his knees.
Yui thought enquiring about the boy's problem might only agitate him further. Instead, she tried to relate to the boy. "Oh, you poor boy. There is no need for that kind of talk." The boy continued sobbing on his knees. "My son, Shinji, used to have a problem too." This caught the boy's attention. "When we moved here from Kyoto..."
"Your son is Shinji?" the boy interrupted.
Yui was somewhat taken aback at the mention of her son. "Uh, yes. I'm Shinji's mom."
"Shinji Ikari?"
"Yes, that's him."
A flash of hope shimmered in the boy's eyes. He slowly started to uncurl himself as if formulating something; then he quickly turned to Yui. "Can you take me to him?"
Yui was again taken aback. "Wh- What for?" she stammered.
"Please, I have to see him. It's personal"
"Uh... Okay. We're on our way to meet him right now."
"Great!" the boy cheered. He hugged Yui and jumped into the back seat.
Yui and Gendo followed him into the car. Yui buckled herself in the driver's seat and started it up. "Buckle up." She commanded before she sped off.
=======================================================================
The standard hollowed out volcano with secret base of operations...
Vicil finished hooking up his new laptop and booted it up. "Okay." He started. "When I was first thrown into this universe, I found I had my own VIS (Vortex of Infinite Space). While I was digging around in it I found my disk of stories, and I figured out I could use that to make the tools we would need to set things straight. The problem was, I didn't have access to a computer." He quickly turned around to see if the others were following.
Asuka, Shinji and Pen Pen were asleep on the floor behind him.
"HEY! WAKE UP!"
They shot up straight and desperately stammered out excuses to make him believe that they we're listening.
"I was resting my eyes!"
"WAAK WAUGH WAARK, WAARK!"
"Mt. Fuji!"
"As I was saying..." Vicil growled. "Since I got the laptop now, we can use it to contact the other fanfics and warn the others."
"Okay, first of all," Asuka interrupted, "if what your saying is true, there could be countless A/S fanfics. How could we possibly get to them all?"
"Easy. All I have to do is send a message to Rhine. He's linked to Asuka fans throughout the net and can quickly spread the word."
"Will he even believe you?"
"He's a huge fanboy. I don't think there's much doubt."
Asuka took a moment to beam in her popularity.
"What about us?" Shinji interjected. "How do we travel the net?"
"That's where the disk comes into play. Do you remember Asuka's hole?"
Shinji and Asuka blushed something awful.
"Not that one! The hole she used to escape from her closet!"
"Uh, yeah. What about it?"
Vicil slid the disk into the slot and typed a few commands. Suddenly the screen flashed into a bright, white, whirling pool of energy. Vicil reached in with his hand and pulled out said hole. "Now, we can use it as a port to the net. I rewrote it so it would never run out of power."
"If you had that kind of power, why can't you just write yourself out of the story."
"Because this isn't my computer. It doesn't lead to my world. Just this one."
"Waark, waaugh waaugh waark waak waark." Added Pen Pen.
"Exactly." Vicil retorted. "And with that port to the net," he motioned to the hole, "we can search for D's army." Explained Vicil.
"So what are we supposed to do in all this?" smirked Asuka.
Vicil paused for a moment. "Why don't you learn how to work those things, first?" He motioned to the EVA's standing erect in the corner of the base.
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Sohryu residence...
Kyoko waited impatiently outside her house. "For crying out loud! Where the hell are they?!" She was fully decked out in supplies. Strapped to her back was an assortment of stun guns and tranquilizer rifles held on by a belt of shell casings. A hunters knife was cased on her other belt. She had a net slung over her shoulder, and in her other hand, she held a briefcase with unknown contents.
Yui's car ripped around the curb and skidded to a halt in front of Kyoko.
"You're a half hour late!" She yelled. "What took you so long?!"
Yui and Gendo smiled at each other.
"Never mind." Kyoko grunted. "Just pop the trunk."
Yui reached under the dashboard and pulled the release for the trunk. Kyoko dumped her supplies inside and slammed it closed before she hopped into the backseat. She noticed the kid sitting across from her.
"Whose he?" she asked.
"I'm Kaworu. I'm going to see Shinji with you guys."
"No, you're not."
"Yes, I am."
"No, you're not."
"Yes, I am."
"No, you're not!"
"Yes, I am!"
"YUI!!!"
Yui shifted into drive. "He's coming with us, Kyoko." She stated, not wanting to elaborate on the fact that she hit him with her car on the way over. They sped off to the mountains.
=======================================================================
The standard hollowed out volcano with secret base of operations (two hours later)...
"So, who's going to tell them what's going on?"
"HOW do we tell the what's going on? I'd say they're confused enough as it is."
"Now would probably be the best time to explain it while they're still bewildered. If any of them start thinking rationally, it could ruin it all."
"So who's going to do it?"
"You should do it."
"I don't want to do it!"
"Too bad, Gilligan. You're the one who got us into this mess and YOU'RE the one who's going to get us out!"
Vicil was pushed out through the door. He tried to get back in, but they shut it behind him. Vicil paused at the door trying to gather himself. After a few seconds, he pounded once on the door to tell himself he was ready before he turned to face his audience.
Thousands of Asuka's from fanfics all over the world sat in a lecture theatre in front of him. Some were wearing plug suits, some were wearing casual clothes and some were wearing bandages. The Darkfic genre was stationed in the back corner next to the enormous pile of Unit-02 EVA's. The major populous of the crowd, the humour fic and romance fic Asuka's were stationed on the right side of the amphitheatre. And, of course, the small, yet very popular, Variante' fic Asuka's were seated at the front left.
Vicil nervously chuckled as every single eye fell upon him and the theatre went silent. He began his journey to the podium set up at the center of the theatre. As he was walking, the ground beneath him started to stretch. Suddenly, the podium was a lot farther away. Vicil pulled at his collar, realizing his nervousness.
He reached the podium and nervously started to stammer out his speech.
"U-uh... Welcome Asuka's. I'm very glad to see that so many of you responded to the message."
"GET TO THE FUCKING POINT!!!" screamed 'Clone Wars' Asuka. "WHERE THE FUCK IS MY SHINJI?!!!"
Vicil just stood on the podium looking in the direction of the the sound, not sure which Asuka it came from, and dared not make a move, should she become more angered by his actions. "... Uh... Okay. Umm... Well, uh, you see, uh, there's this huge army after, umm... HE'S BEHIND THAT DOOR!!!"
The entire theatre of Asuka's immediately stood up and knocked down the door. They grabbed Shinji and dragged him out into the crowd. All of the Asuka's started tearing at his clothes in an effort to get a piece of their Shinji back. Until EFF Asuka stood up, that is...
"Get away from MY Shinji!!!"
EFF Asuka charged into the crowd and practically bulldozed the other Asuka's out of the way. Several were knocked into the air as the indistinguishable Asuka of EFF charged through the crowd to get to her Shinji. She knocked the last one aside and grabbed the poor boy by the leg. With that task accomplished, she leapt up into the rafters away from the menacing hands of horny fanfic women.
"MY Shinji!" She whipped out a rubber stamp and stamped the letters EFF on his forehead. "How did you think he got here anyway?!" she yelled, dangling Shinji over the crowd.
The raving Asuka's stopped the insanity and let what little rational thought there was in the room seep in. They began to pout and angrily stomped back to their seats.
EFF Asuka jumped down from the rafters carrying Shinji in her arms. They landed next to Vicil, who was hiding under the podium. Asuka picked him up by the collar.
"If you ever pull a stunt like that again, I'll hit you with something really big!"
Vicil nodded in understanding. Asuka swung him around to face Shinji, who was flushed a ghostly white and shivering in Asuka's arms repeating "Redheads... Redheads... Redheads... Redheads..."
"Now, apologize!" she commanded.
"Sorry, Shinji." Pouted Vicil.
Asuka set him down behind the podium and pointed at the crowd. "Now tell them!" she and Shinji sat down on a short row of chairs behind Vicil, most of which were filled by penguins.
Vicil glared once at Asuka and turned to the crowd. "I suppose you're all wondering how you're surrounded by yourselves, and I pretty sure you all came here for the same reason, so listen up."
All of the Asuka's snorted and crossed their arms.
"First of all, all of you are from different fanfics."
All of the Asuka's cocked their heads to the side.
"You are all characters in a story based on a TV series." He clarified.
All of the Asuka's blinked. The unified action created a sickening squishing sound.
Vicil hit his head on the podium. "Just believe it, all right? None of you are in any place to tell me I'm crazy."
They all nodded in agreement.
"You are all different, but each of you are still Asuka. For instance, the Asuka that yelled at me is actually a real bitch..."
Two heads in the theatre burst into flames.
"Where as that Asuka is completely nice to everybody." Vicil pointed to a random creation of Axel Terizaki. Vicil paused for a second. "Which reminds me... Will all the Asuka's created by Axel Terizaki come to the front, please."
Four Asuka's stood up and came jogging up to the front. They lined up side by side, and their huge pregnant boobs bounced with every step.
Vicil strutted up to them with his hands behind his back. He rocked back and forth on his heels a bit while whistling a catchy tune. Then he whipped out his shogun sword and hacked all of their heads off.
Their bodies collapsed and bled out over the floor. However since Axel created them, little cartoon bunny rabbits hopped out of their decapitation wounds, because everything he writes has a lovey-dubey ending.
Vicil spat on their corpses. "You make me sick." He said coldly, then he struck a pose and looked at the camera.
Everybody reading this rejoiced. Axel ran off to a secluded area and got sensitive. None of the Asuka's did anything because they weren't sure if it mattered if the Axel Terizaki Asuka's died, which it didn't. In fact, it made the world a better place. No one needed to be reminded of how good THEIR lives were.
Vicil climbed back up onto the podium. "Okay, about Shinji. Well, there's this huge army of women and men from other TV series' that are going around stealing Shinji's because a whole bunch of huge Asuka fans pissed them off."
All of the Asuka's beamed in their popularity; THEN they started paying attention to what the lunatic on stage was blathering about.
Vicil noticed this and repeated himself. "An army of women and men from other TV series' are kidnapping your Shinji's and doing stuff with them." He glowered monotonously. "And the leader is, uh, a horrible force that I have never met before in my life."
EFF Asuka elbowed Shinji and they snickered behind Vicil's back.
Vicil shot another glare at EFF Asuka. "Anyway..."
"THERE THEY ARE, AT THE FRONT!"
Everyone's head turned to the back corner of the theatre to see Yui, Gendo, Kyoko, and Kaworu.
They all jumped up in surprise. "Mama!" the collectively squealed.
Kyoko turned toward the crowd and dropped her net in surprise. "What the hell?..." she mouthed to herself.
Yui and Gendo raised their rifles and shot EFF Asuka and Shinji with tranquilizer darts. Asuka's head collapsed face down in Shinji's lap and Shinji's head fell back as they both went limp. Kyoko regained herself and threw the net over them. Yui and Gendo ran up and grabbed the net with Kyoko. They dragged Shinji and Asuka behind the closest door to them and shut it tight.
Vicil, Kaworu, the penguins, and the Asuka's stared blankly at the door they ran behind.
"Uh, isn't that the room where the coat rack is?"
=======================================================================
The room Yui, Gendo and Kyoko ran into...
Yui, Gendo and Kyoko felt around in the darkness blindly.
Gendo stuck his hands out in front of him and walked forward until he felt something soft and squishy beneath them. "Hey, I think I got something!" he called. He was suddenly smacked across the cheek.
"Pervert!" shouted Kyoko.
"Who did that?!" whined Gendo as he grabbed his ass.
Yui followed the voices with her hands out in front of her until she too found what Gendo had mentioned. "Hey, what are these things?"
"Get off of me!" shouted Kyoko.
Yui gave ignored her and gave them a squeeze. She was also belted.
"Ow! Who did that?!" snapped Yui as she held her boob.
"Quit it!" shouted Kyoko as she felt something rub against her butt. She turned around and punched something rock hard. "Ow! Oh, that's the wall."
Yui felt a string brush against her face. She grabbed it and found it was connected to a light bulb. A pull of the string revealed a fair sized room lined with several shelves and small coat racks, hanging from which were several penguin-sized tuxedos. Gendo, who was rubbing his ass, was behind her and Kyoko was fuming in a corner with her arms crossed over her bosom. Yui also noticed that the only way out was the door they came in.
"Shit!" she cursed.
A knock came from the other side of the door. "Excuse me," came a muffled voice, "do you need some help?"
"No, we're fine!" Yui yelled.
Kyoko snorted.
Yui stepped up to the area where they left Shinji and Asuka on the floor. She pulled the net off and sat them up straight. Then she reached into her pocket and pulled out a sulfur tablet. She cracked it open and waved it in front of Shinji and Asuka. They both coughed and sputtered to consciousness. Yui quickly ran back into the shadows and gathered everyone in a straight line, side by side.
Shinji and Asuka cracked their eyes open and looked to each other for an explanation. Not finding one, they surveyed the room.
"Why are we in the closet?" inquired Asuka.
"Quiet!" commanded a voice from the shadows. Asuka and Shinji snapped their heads forward. Yui, Gendo and Kyoko stepped out of the shadows together, glowering at them.
Shinji and Asuka held each other.
"First things first!" snapped Yui.
Kyoko stepped forward and leaned over Asuka. "You are SO grounded, young lady!" Then she went back to her place.
Next, Yui and Gendo stepped forward together, towering over Shinji. Gendo's face turned to a loving smile. "Shinji?" he said in a fatherly tone.
Shinji relaxed himself. "Yes, dad?"
Yui snapped her arm forward and shouted, "You are SO grounded, mister!"
Shinji flinched and hugged Asuka tighter.
Yui and Gendo ran back into place.
"Now, you two," said Gendo in a deep voice, "we're going to have a little talk."
Kyoko pulled out her briefcase and slammed it in front of her. She knelt down and undid the clasps while Yui and Gendo leered at Shinji and Asuka. Shinji and Asuka were trembling in fear of what might come out. Once Kyoko got it open, Gendo whipped out a picture stand and Yui pulled a retractable pointer from behind her back. Kyoko pulled an arm full of scrolls out of the briefcase. She checked the ends of each one as if looking for something specific. When she found a scroll labeled "#1" she set the rest aside in numerical order and gave #1 to Gendo. Gendo clipped one end of the scroll to the picture stand and unrolled it to the bottom, revealing a chart of the male and female human body.
Asuka and Shinji cocked their heads to the side in confusion.
Yui stretched out the pointer. "Now listen up you two. When a man and a woman..."
=======================================================================
The lecture theatre (two minutes later)...
Vicil decided to continue the speech after he left the door. He stepped up on the podium and drew in a breath.
Suddenly, the muffled, blood-curdling scream of Shinji and Asuka came through the closet door.
Vicil looked at the door for a moment. "Oh. Ha, ha. Anyway, I propose that to get the Shinji's back, we must all join together as an army of our own. We have a ton of EVAs, the suicidaly-depressed Asukas from the Darkfics would be great for the front line, and best of all the humor section is our most powerful weapon. Nothing is more powerful than a pissed off redhead."
The crowd of Asukas weren't sure whether to take that as a compliment or an insult. One of the Asukas from the humor section jumped up. "Fuck you!" She tore her chair from the floor. Vicil ducked under it as it crashed against the wall behind him
Vicil sighed and tapped a button on the podium. A giant screen came down. The lights dimmed and slide projector projected a picture of two armies charging at each other. The left side showed the army of Asuka's and the right side showed an army containing a variety of anime characters.
"The only way you can get Shinji back is if you all join together in a dramatic burst of OOC and fight the army of Shinji fans. I suggest you do it quickly. From what I've heard, they could be taking turns balling him up right now."
All of the Asuka's stood up and cheered, ready to kick whatever ass they needed to get their Shinji back.
=======================================================================
The closet...
Shinji and Asuka cocked their heads to the side at picture #14.
Yui tapped one of the diagrams on the page. "And this position we call 'around the world four times in a day'."
Asuka took notes on the back of he hand.
TO BE CONTINUED...
=======================================================================
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
And thus concludes yet another chapter of Evangelion Fan Funny. Stay tuned next time for EVANGELION FAN FUNNY CHAPTER 8: FIN MEANS END, MORON!!!
Our heroes go in search of the root of the problem, and their first stop is Rei's house.
Axel isn't really half bad, but I had to humiliate someone other than Bill Gates. It's not that I hated Child of Love. It's very touching, but I still think it could have been WAY better. The guy doing the sequel is pulling off a better job than Axel ever did, and he's using real angels in his story. I did not have permission to use the clip or any characters I borrowed/insulted. The writers take too damn long to respond to my e-mails and I was really excited to post this. I would have singled out other fics, but the only ones I bother to remember are the works of Godsend777 and Strike Fiss (by the way; GLORY TO CANADA IN THE 2002 OLYMPICS!!! WE KICK ASS!!!).
The final chapter will soon be finished. I'm getting very anxious just thinking about it.
Many thanks to my pre-reader, Weltall Elite.
vicil2000@hotmail.com or vicil2000@evangelion.com
