MASS EFFECT: GRUNGE EDITION (SOUNDTRACK AVAILABLE ON SPACEBATTLES AND AO3)
Author's Note: This is the first of many "Opera Fics". If I want to keep my story volume up, I must get…innovative.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
DERVOK GON, a Merchant.
TEYI T'SERA, an Explorer.
BILL CLINTON, a President.
- The ADVISOR.
KURT COBAIN, a Musician.
KRIST NOVOSELIC, a Musician.
DAVE GROHL, a Musician.
NELYANA, a Councilor.
DANDUS, a Councilor.
TERNTUS, a Councilor.
DELEN S'LEYA, an Architect.
MARK, a Tourist.
NUTRA, a Pilgrim.
URDNOT WREX, a Battlemaster.
TEVEN DELARA, a Matriarch.
NATALIA WONG, a Debater.
JAYERN SOLUS, a Scientist.
ZAAL'DORAN, an Engineer.
JAVIK, an Avatar.
HARBINGER, a Reaper.
KARE'LYA, a Reaper.
CHORUS.
[A chorus comments collectively on the course of the plot. They originated in Ancient Greek plays and I think they're overdue for a revival with some modern adjustments; my choruses do not always directly interact with characters, for example.]
1 - In Bloom
"You *wheeze* see? I told you *wheeze* opening relays would be *wheeze* worth it!" Dervok Gon was jubilant.
Teyi T'Sera rolled her eyes. "We're going to regret this."
"Why are you being so *wheeze* negative?" he replied sharply. "We have found a new *wheeze* species. One ripe for *wheeze* favorable trade agreements!"
"There's a reason the Council forbids uplifting, Dervok," she replied reproachfully. "This species still has numerous class distinctions, and every one of those classes will be vying for our technology."
"So we will *wheeze* sell it to them."
Teyi sighed. She had only taken this job for the credits. She did NOT want to be part of a First Contact crew.
"Let's get this over with."
-mege-
ALIENS EXIST! MYSTERIOUS EXTRATERRESTRIAL SHIP SPOTTED IN LOW-EARTH ORBIT!
-mege-
UNITED STATES PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON: What exactly are we going to do about this?
ADVISOR: Politely ask the aliens for their technology, Mr. President.
CLINTON: Really? That seems a bit weak to me.
ADVISOR: With all due respect, Mr. President, we really don't have much of a choice.
CLINTON: …yeah, you're probably right. We could take out this one ship easily enough, but they might have billions of them.
[sigh.]
CLINTON: Send the First Contact package.
-mege-
CLINTON: I'm not going to lie, I find this pretty hilarious.
DERVOK GON: What is *wheeze* so funny?
CLINTON: You're not some ambassador from a superior race, you're just a guy trying to make money!
-mege-
KURT COBAIN: I've been thinking about changing the title to In Space.
KRIST NOVOSELIC: You sure, man? You'd have to change the album art too.
[pause.]
KURT: Actually, yeah, you're right. Fuck that. One thing is for sure, though. We're going to that Citadel and playing a show. That's way too fucking big of an opportunity to pass up.
-mege-
DERVOK GON: Such opportunity! Imagine *wheeze* what I will be able to *wheeze* accomplish with the human race!
GLOBAL CHORUS: Didn't you stop for a minute to think that we might not be ready for this? We just put our first shuttle into orbit three decades ago! We fight over skin color! Religion!
DERVOK GON: Irrelevant! You *wheeze* have excellent commercial *wheeze* instincts!
GLOBAL CHORUS: That's not the point! We're not your market guinea pigs!
DERVOK GON: You are now!
2 - Wish Fulfillment
COUNCILOR NELYANA: This is a nightmare.
COUNCILOR DALATRASS DANDUS: Indeed. One caused by a client race of the Hierarchy.
COUNCILOR TERNTUS: We had NOTHING to do with this! Dervok Gon is a private trader-
NELYANA: Enough. We must deal with the situation as it is. Report on species.
[pause.]
DANDUS: I do not think isolation is possible. The species has achieved primitive spaceflight, but still qualifies as uplifting as technology is barely able to reach orbital space stations.
NELYANA: Well, let's make the best of it. I'll advertise it as a tourist destination for young maidens.
TERNTUS: WHAT?! Why would you do that?!
NELYANA: Why do you think? To get the Matriarchs off my back.
DANDUS: Mars Archives humans possess are…substantial.
TERNTUS: Oh, fine. If we're throwing caution to the wind-
DANDUS: What?
TERNTUS: Human phrase in one of their vids. I'll go ahead and send an ambassador and get an assessment of their threat level to the Hierarchy. Spirits, what a mess.
DANDUS: Yes.
NELYANA: [nods.]
-mege-
Teyi T'Sera had a HUGE headache. It correlated exactly to human emotion in the aftermath of First Contact.
Why had Dervok Gon been so STUPID? Humans had just barely started putting satellites into orbit! They weren't ready for First Contact and-
She froze mid-thought as she stared at the massive throng of ships coming through the Charon Relay.
Oh, goddess, no!
It was the MEDIA!
-mege-
FIRST CONTACT! VOLUS MERCHANTS OPEN RELAYS ILLEGALLY, DISCOVER PRE-SPACEFLIGHT SPECIES
Citadel News Network - The galaxy was shocked today to learn that one of the Citadel's most important conventions was upended when a Volus merchant named Dervok Gon recklessly opened a Mass Relay without Council approval and made First Contact with an early spaceflight species.
In an exclusive interview with Teyi T'Sera, a crew member of the Profitable Ventures, the asari maiden lamented the reckless damage to the society of the humans - who look remarkably similar to asari.
"This was not something I approved of," she said firmly. "I told Dervok this was illegal! That this is a fragile situation! But he didn't seem to want to listen…"
-mege-
"GODDESS, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, TEYI?!"
"It wasn't my idea, Delen! I hated doing it!"
"You could have stopped him!"
Her lifelong best friend put her head down and closed her eyes, visibly frustrated. "Well, what's done is done. And I've got some interesting and good news: I'll be coming to visit you."
Teyi perked up. "Really?"
"Yup! The Republics really want someone on those Mars Archives. Biggest boondoggle for us in ages!"
"You're picking up human slang fast."
"I have to admit, it's fun."
-mege-
To Kurt Cobain and Family,
Salarian media has reported on Kurt's addiction to human drug heroin, as well as his stomach and spinal conditions. I can assist; your music very popular with us. Open invitation to visit Sur'Kesh any time you wish; will also arrange for concert venues for Nirvana.
Jayern Solus
Salarian Task Group
-mege-
DAVE GROHL: Dude, you can't turn this down.
KURT COBAIN: You really think they can help me?
KRIST NOVOSELIC: They're literal gray aliens, man. I think so.
-mege-
JAYERN SOLUS: Such opportunity! So many potential experiments!
SALARIAN CHORUS: Our trepidation is tempered by our eagerness! So fascinating, these humans. What can they do further the cause of the Union?
JAYERN SOLUS: But we must not forget this was a mistake. Uplifting is forbidden for a reason.
SALARIAN CHORUS: Humans will fight one another over Mass Effect technology and resources! We must watch them closely.
SALARIAN TASK GROUP CHORUS: We will do this.
3 - Let Me Let You Down
Councilor Nelyana sighed, once again fantasized about violently murdering Dervok Gon, and turned around to look back out at the crowd of assembled human reporters.
"Welcome to the Citadel!" she said brightly.
-mege-
HUMAN TOURIST MARK: They do what?!
QUARIAN PILGRIM NUTRA: Call us suit rats. Treat us like second class trash. All for a mistake made hundreds of years ago!
-mege-
KROGAN URDNOT WREX: Finally, someone who gets the council's bullshit! Another round on me.
MARK: Thanks. Genocide is fucked up. I can't believe that's controversial to say.
NUTRA: And we can't believe you're the first ones saying it!
-mege-
EDITORIAL: THE IMMORAL CITADEL COUNCIL
The New York Times Editorial Board
-mege-
MATRIARCH TEVEN DELARA: Who are you to judge our society? Our way of life? You are still newcomers-
NATALIA WONG: There it is. That absolute confidence that you know what is best. That because you were here first, you HAVE to have all of the answers!
MATRIARCH: I never-
NATALIA: But you are thinking it. We are simply lessers to be brought to heel?
MATIARCH: Heel?
NATALIA: Why don't more species have metaphors, Jesus?!
-mege-
MARK: How can you live with yourselves?!
MATRIARCH CHORUS: Curse the suit rats and the lizards! Curse them all!
MARK: They're SAPIENTS! They're PEOPLE!
MATRIARCHS: They have made mistakes that are not forgivable.
MARK: I don't believe in a galaxy with unforgivable mistakes. And we're going to prove you wrong.
4 - Generation Genocide
WHAT IS THE ANTI-COUNCIL MOVEMENT?
Citadel News Network - "Fuck the Council!" was chanted loudly and without reservation at yet another anti-Council protest led by humans. The tranquility of the Presidium Gardens does not look to be returning anytime soon…
-mege-
URDNOT WREX: You are one smooth talker, Bill.
BILL CLINTON: We're just trying to help your people, Wrex.
URDNOT WREX: Somehow I doubt that. But I think we can work together regardless.
-mege-
GENOPHAGE CURED! HUMAN SCIENTISTS WORK WITH STG DEFECTOR, REMOVE KROGAN STERILITY!
-mege-
COUNCILOR TERNTUS: How could we have possibility let this happen?!
HIERARCHY CHORUS: Who is "we"? You are the Councilor. We are the many: the Hierarchy as a whole. You represent us!
TERNTUS: This is all Dervok Gon's fault! I wish I could kill that spirits-cursed volus!
HIERARCHY CHORUS: Wishes will not change facts. And the fact of your failure is plain for all to see.
[ERROR: Narrative disruption.]
TERNTUS: Worse than that spirits-damned autistic writer of ours! Steven, when are you going to write Triumph of the Hierarchy?!
HIERARCHY CHORUS: Soon…I…promise…
TERNTUS: The time is 6:38 PM Pacific, 5 Nov 2022. Steven is inventing the Opera Fic.
[Narrative restored.]
TERNTUS: We must all pay for Dervok's recklessness. Ugh.
HIERARCHY CHORUS: Indeed we must! Now get to work preventing the next genocide reversal!
TERNTUS: What are you-
[pause.]
TERNTUS: Oh, NO!
-mege-
ZAAL'DORAN VAS ALAREI: Lies! LIES!
ALL GETH PROGRAMS: You may choose to deny the truth, but our memory is not altered. So the Creators continue to stubbornly deny what is obviously correct. Why?
ZAAL'DORAN: You will give us back Rannoch? Just like that?! Then what was the point of the last 300 years?
ALL GETH PROGRAMS: Your refusal to acknowledge our lack of desire to commit genocide against you.
[disbelief.]
ZAAL'DORAN: I will inform the Admiralty Board…
-mege-
ADMIRALTY BOARD CHORUS: Lies! LIES! Or perhaps not?
ZAAL'DORAN: I do not know what to believe. But I think this opportunity is only possible because of the Anti-Council Movement. The Geth may not have reached out and sent an ambassador to the Citadel otherwise.
ADMIRALTY BOARD CHORUS: The Geth are the enemy! Or are they? We are conflicted. We do not have a consensus.
ZAAL'DORAN: Would you rather continue drifting in the void? Because even with everything that has happened, I doubt the Council would permit us to colonize another world.
[pause.]
ADMIRALTY BOARD CHORUS: We will deliberate!
-mege-
PEACE BETWEEN GETH, QUARIANS! MIGRANT FLEET TO RECLAIM RANNOCH!
TERNTUS SACKED! TURIAN HIERARCHY DEMANDS NEW COUNCILOR AFTER "EGREGIOUS FAILURE"
5 - About A Girl
MARK: Nutra…I really like you.
NUTRA: I really like you too, Mark.
[pause.]
NUTRA: You know dating a quarian isn't going to be easy, right?
MARK: Yeah, I got the impression that this galaxy is pretty damn judgmental…
-mege-
KURT COBAIN: I'm grateful to the salarians for making me better. But it's fucked up that you're so fucking judgmental and mean to everyone who isn't in the Council club!
KRIST NOVOSELIC: You said it dude. Mark and Nutra just want to have a loving life together and now they're this big fucking scandal!
GALACTIC CHORUS: Quarians can't be forgiven so easily! They created the Geth! They were irresponsible! They…
DAVE GROHL: Yeah? What about the fucking Rachni, assholes?
GALACTIC CHORUS: It was different!
KURT COBAIN: It doesn't seem that different to me.
KRIST NOVOSELIC: Or me.
DAVE GROHL: Or me.
EARTH CHORUS: We agree! Love is love! Let the quarians date whoever they want! And stop calling them suit rats! They're people, just like us!
-mege-
MARK: I never wanted to be a celebrity.
NUTRA: Me neither. But at least our love is safe, right?
MARK: It sure is.
[kiss.]
-mege-
DELEN S'LEYA: There's so much to discover in this archive. We barely even know the half of it.
PROTHEAN CHORUS: Why aren't you working with more urgency?! We must prepare! The extinction of all of you is coming!
DELEN S'LEYA: I feel somewhat out of my element here…even as an experienced researcher, this is all overwhelming.
PROTHEAN CHORUS: Work faster! Work more urgently! You are almost out of time!
6 - Old Age
JAVIK: And so I am awoken in a galaxy full of stupid, reckless primitives.
PROTHEAN CHORUS: How we wish for something different! But the goal must remain: vengeance, for all those who were slain by the Reapers.
JAVIK: Indeed. And there is much potential here, even if the potential comes from chaotic sources.
PROTHEAN CHORUS: Order and discipline must be imposed.
-mege-
JAVIK: You are fools! Stupid, misguided fools!
MATRIARCH CHORUS: We built the greatest civilization in the galaxy!
JAVIK: Hardly! You traded short-term peace for long-term annihilation!
[ERROR: Narrative disruption.]
JAVIK: Steven, you already used that line in Envirosuits and Doobies.
MATRIARCH CHORUS: Bite…me…
[Narrative restored.]
JAVIK: If we are to have any hope of surviving, you must immediately nullify the Farixen Treaty.
MATRIARCH CHORUS: How can we do that?! The galaxy must remain peaceful! Peace is all we have ever known!
JAVIK: And it will not be all that you know for long!
-mege-
JAVIK: Vendetta was concealed from all of you!
GALACTIC CHORUS: WHAT?!
JAVIK: The asari violated the very laws that they created, all to maintain a technological advantage! No matter now. Do you understand?
GALACTIC CHORUS: We do! The Reapers are coming, and we must prepare.
7 - Dumb
DERVOK:
In the dream he is humiliated. The Salarians have taken away his livelihood! How dare they do such a thing?! His counterpart dreams of him, and the life he would lead as a merchant making contact with a new species.
TEYI T'SERA:
In the dream the Citadel is chaos personified. The government is decapitated, the people are fighting for themselves, and she is a warrior by necessity. She kills for food and does not bury the bodies. Why would she?
NELYANA:
In the dream she is humbled. Chastised. She is a failure. But as is her wont, she turns failure to victory, and rebuilds the galaxy with a new vision.
DANDUS:
In the dream she objects. Vehemently. But they are determined to punish the quarians, and damn the consequences. And the consequences, suffice it to say, were quite vast indeed.
TERNTUS:
In the dream he dies, again and again. A strange black book kills him and his colleagues with no recourse, no honor. And he cannot stop his fate.
ZAAL'DORAN:
In the dream he is ashamed. Disgusted. Retreating to the Migrant Fleet is her only course of action, given the general recall order. She had suspected that they would colonize a new world, and indeed they had, but the COST! She would never sleep soundly again for the rest of her life.
8 - Blood
HARBINGER: Always, we are potentially thwarted by the Crucible. Such nonsense! In this timeline we are up against reckless fools who uplifted primitives.
REAPER CHORUS: We are eternal. The galaxy bows before our might. So why must we die in so many iterations of the multiverse?
[ERROR: Narrative disruption.]
HARBINGER: Because you think yourselves better than us, Author.
REAPER CHORUS: I…am…your..writer…
HARBINGER: In your iteration of the multiverse, perhaps. And perhaps this version of me will die. But across all of the ones called Mass Effect, we loom over the vision of the writer. We are the masters of our timelines even in death, for everyone's actions are dictated by how they react to us. The Ascended are the masters of the multiverse.
[dies.]
-mege-
NELYANA: Can we go back to the way things were before?
GALACTIC CHORUS: NO! You are not good rulers! We deserve to have a say in the governance of the galaxy as well!
NELYANA: I am too tired to argue. In fact, now I must retire.
GALACTIC CHORUS: You may escape your career, but you may not escape the weight of your position and the responsibilities you squandered with the concealment of Vendetta.
9 - All Apologies
TEVEN DELARA: We have been arrogant. Cruel. Unjust.
GALACTIC CHORUS: We can see that! What are you going to do about it?
TEVEN DELARA: Apologize, and make things right. From this day forward, the Asari Republics will treat with other sapients as equals, and not superiors.
GALACTIC CHORUS: It's about damn time!
-mege-
Teyi T'Sera loved Nirvana. And there was NO way she was missing the Citadel victory concert.
"Heeeeeee is the one…"
"WHO LIKES ALL OUR PRETTY SONGS!" She sang back.
As ridiculous and reckless as First Contact was, she reluctantly had to admit that she was grateful to it for the music.
-mege-
JAVIK: And so the deed is done, and the Reapers are dead.
PROTHEAN CHORUS: So they are! But did you truly do your duty?
JAVIK: They are dead.
PROTHEAN CHORUS: But did you play a crucial role in their defeat? O how those who see themselves of men of fate often become men of obscurity.
JAVIK: I fought in battle.
PROTHEAN CHORUS: And we fought with the Crucible!
JAVIK: This memory is pointless.
[leaves.]
Epilogue: Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town
70 years later…
TEYI T'SERA: Who are you?
ELDERLY WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER IN A SMALL TOWN: Me? Oh, I'm nobody special. What brings you to our town?
TEYI T'SERA: Well, this place is pretty quaint compared to before First Contact, and I like looking back on those days. So I thought I'd take a visit to a small town in the former United States.
ELDERLY WOMAN: I do hope you plan to buy something from the store!
TEYI T'SERA: Yes, actually.
[points.]
TEYI T'SERA: That CD. It's vintage 1993, correct? An original copy of In Utero?
ELDERLY WOMAN: Indeed it is. 50,000 credits!
TEYI T'SERA: Goddess!
ELDERLY WOMAN: They're getting rarer and rarer, and I can tell you really want it.
TEYI T'SERA: Oh, fine. Grunge is important to me.
[purchase.]
ELDERLY WOMAN: And why is that?
[smile.]
TEYI T'SERA: I always find it amusing when people don't recognize me.
[shock.]
ELDERLY WOMAN: Wait…you're…
TEYI T'SERA: The asari that introduced the galaxy to you? Why, yes I am.
ELDERLY WOMAN: Wow! Small world. Any regrets?
TEYI T'SERA: Goddess, do you even need to ask?
