Remus' Grief

The full moon had been a harrowing time to Remus.  He missed Padfoot being there with him to share the transformation.  It had been painful; it had been lonely.  And Snape's wolfsbane while it had kept him human during the change, had given him the bitter feeling of betrayal.  Yes, he blamed Severus for the death of Sirius.  He began to blame him from the moment of Snape's firecall that led to Sirius death. 

            Remus knew Padfoot HATED being confined.  Especially confinement in this house.  A house he'd left at age seventeen, swearing never to return to it.  A house that he'd bequeathed to Remus in his will.  Remus didn't want the house; he wanted his friend and pack mate back.  So he sat around a lot and mourned him. 

            His last meeting with Snape before the Order meeting where he'd pulled his wand was a bitter one.  Snape never being one to hold back had asked him two questions that Remus wouldn't or couldn't answer.  One was how he could he stay friends with someone who'd betrayed him, and the other was: how long did he intend to mourn. Snape was never one for false sympathy or hypocritical behavior, and that annoyed Remus. 

            Those questions irritated.  Remus was well aware of what Snape thought of as Sirius's betrayal of him.  As for mourning, why shouldn't he mourn the last of the Marauders that he cared to name friend?  He missed his friend, a friend he'd not been able to mourn when he was thought to be the betrayer of the Potters in Azkaban.  He'd been overjoyed to find out he was innocent that night in the shrieking shack.  He'd despised Snape for his part in that night.  He blamed Snape for Wormtail getting away.  He couldn't understand why Harry didn't hate Snape for it either. 

            Harry tried to tell him there was more than enough blame to go around concerning all of it.  Remus did not want to hear that.  No he didn't want to hear that anyone else, including Sirius might have been at fault.  Harry didn't like the stories of the old days either.  For some reason the stories that Remus thought showed how pathetic "Snivellus" had been angered Harry, the son of Prongs.  Remus didn't understand that.  In reality Remus really wasn't thinking too clearly, his grief was too much for the werewolf to take. 

            He couldn't see how the grief was affecting his thought processes and no one seemed to be able to pull him out of the self destructive loop his thoughts were taking. Molly had tried, but he wasn't listening to her.  He'd give anything to see Sirius and talk to him, but it wasn't going to happen.  The only one who might have made a difference was angry with him for telling about the "good old days" when the Marauders ruled Hogwarts and pathetic Slytherins, like Snivellus ran. 

            The reaction to his stories wasn't what he wanted.  The older Weasleys were not amused.  Molly found them horrible, and wondered if Snape had been so victimized how he managed to stay on the side of "light".  She was correct in assuming that such behavior had much to do with his taking the Dark Mark.  After a few days of his story telling Arthur quite firmly for him, told him he didn't want his children hearing such stories and please stop telling them.  Bill Weasley had nothing but contempt for the stories.  Snape had been one of his professors and he respected the man for being a good teacher if not a nice one.  After hearing some of the stories he commented he could see why he was such a bastard in the classroom, having started teaching less than 3 years after he graduated.  There was concern among the adults about Remus's situation but no idea how to help him. 

            Remus couldn't seem to put the grief away and get on with the Order's business.  Harry had tried to talk to him about Sirius, but he didn't want to talk to Harry about it.  Harry's memories weren't his, and Harry was clear in not wanting to hear about their Hogwarts years.  If Remus had been thinking straight he would have realized that what Harry didn't want to hear was the vilification of Snape.  He didn't want to hear how they picked on him because they could.  He'd seen how Snape felt about it in his pensieve and it wasn't good.  He wanted to hear about the nice things they'd done.  There had to be some.  He just didn't want to hear about the Slytherin Gryffindor rivalry of the 70s.  

            So Remus was caught in the feedback loop of grief and bitterness.  The bitterness was affecting everyone in the house.  There was much reason for bitterness.  Voldemort's Death Eaters, leaving the Weasley family homeless, had destroyed the Burrow early in the summer.  Hermione's family had fled to the United States when her house was attacked.  Hermione chose to stay and continue school. Percy who'd sided with the ministry had apologized but the family was still upset and angry that he'd not sided with them in the past.  He still came by 12 Grimmauld Place but the meetings were anything but comfortable.  Harry was also grieving for Sirius but had to deal with the now, the ongoing war, and the prophecy that said he would defeat Voldemort or die.  He had no one he trusted to speak about this with.  Remus just wasn't there for him at this time and Ron and Hermione were too involved with each other to notice his depression.  Snape seemed to be a good confidant from what he'd seen in the letters they sent back and forth but there was history there too that needed to be discussed and a letter just didn't seem to be the way to discuss that. Molly just wanted to mother him, something he'd so little experience in getting.

            It all came down to a confrontation the night before the children left for school.  One thing that had come up at the last Order meeting was security on the Hogwarts Express.  Snape was of the opinion that now an open war existed, Voldemort would attack the Express.  All his intelligence indicated that something was going to occur on that day and the Express would be a perfect target.  No one disagreed with him.  The decision was taken to station 25 aurors on the Express and on Platform 9 3/4s.  Everyone hoped that the increased security would avert such an attack.  So the night before school all the adults at Headquarters were nervous. 

            Dinner was a tense affair as everyone tried to think of other things.  Remus decided to try and lighten the mood by telling stories.  The first three were funny stories about some of the adventures of the Marauders and their animagus training.  Everyone laughed at how Wormtail had so many problems transforming into a rat.  Then he started on some of the pranks they'd pulled on Snivellus.  No one was laughing.

            Finally Harry had had enough.  "Those aren't funny stories Remus.  In fact they're rather cruel.  How would you like it if someone treated you that way?" he asked angry at the story.

            "Well, they are funny," said Ron chuckling. 

            "No they aren't," said Harry angry now.  "They are just cruel.  I may not like Snape, but no one should be treated like that. So Dad didn't like him.  From everything you tell me Snape did NOTHING to provoke him.  So why treat him like that?"

            "Well Harry it is just Snape," answered Remus.  "Slimy Slytherin who tried to have us expelled.  Why are you so upset?"

            "You know when I met Snape, he didn't like me.  I didn't know why.  Dumbledore told me he had a life debt to my father.  I thought Dad was some kind of hero, you know?  Then a few years later I find out that he saved Snape because Sirius decided to kill him.  Make no mistake Sirius DID try to kill him.  And he used his best mate to do it.  Dad just had the sense enough to know if you'd killed him, Sirius wouldn't have paid the price.  You would.  I don't know what Dad said to Snape afterwards, from what I can gather it was something awful.  Snape paid that Wizard's debt my first year.  I suspect he's paid it again and again for years.  Then last year I had the occlumency lessons and I saw some of Snape's memories.  I won't go into them because they're his memories, not mine.  But they made me think.  We don't know Snape, none of us do.  We just hate the teacher because he hates Gryffindor.  The stories you are telling us, well they definitely give reason for his dislike of Dad and you and Sirius.  You blame him for Sirius's death?  There is plenty of blame to go around.  How about my failure to master occlumency?  I was so blinded by my dislike of Snape; I refused to learn from him.  So I saw the vision that sent Sirius to his death.  Dumbledore kept Sirius locked up in this house he hated.  You couldn't stop him from going to the DoM to rescue me.  And Sirius knowing that reinforcements were already on the way there had to go anyways.  Oh no there are plenty of people to blame for Sirius's dying, including Sirius."

            "I am sick and tired of the stories.  They show what kind of jerks you all were at Hogwarts.  They show a bunch of bullies who got their jollies off on picking on someone who wasn't like they were." He said sitting down.  He'd risen in anger sometime during his diatribe.

            "Whoa Harry," said one of the twins." Never thought you had it in you mate."

            Remus just sat there stunned. "Is that how you really feel?" he asked quietly shaken that Harry was so angry.

            "Yes," said Harry curtly. "Whether you like it or not, none of you were saints.  And blaming Snape for this is ridiculous.  Snape didn't kill Sirius and he didn't send him to die.  Knowing Snape he told him to stay home.  Maybe not kindly, but then again, Snape isn't kind."

            Remus started crying as Harry spoke.  No one looked at him out of respect for his feelings.  But he was collapsing under the grief.  And the tears were of a cleansing kind.  Something that had festered had been lanced and he could now grieve honestly.  He knew Harry was right there were many causes for Sirius dying but Snape alone was not the cause. And he owed him an apology for pulling his wand on him.  Molly escorted him from the room and gave him a dreamless sleep potion when he reached his own room. 

            As Molly returned to the kitchen she could hear conversation in the kitchen.  The twins were talking about new products, promising to let the others know when they came out.  Hermione discussing something she read in a book with Ginny.  Arthur asking Bill about something work related.  Another happy evening around the dinner table seemed to be taking place.

            Ron was asking Harry something about quidditch when she came into the room.  Harry was sitting there trying to think of how to tell Ron he wouldn't be playing quidditch this year.  "Uh Ron," he asked. "You remember I was banned last year by Umbridge" he stammered.

            "Yeah mate but Dumbledore will lift that," he answered shoveling stew into his mouth.

            "No, I don't think he will," answered Harry.  "And even if he does I probably won't play for other reasons."

            "WHAT?" asked Ron turning red, as he shouted, "How could you mate? Gryffindor needs you on the team!"

            "Well," said Harry, "they may need me but I need training to go up against Voldemort.  And to make time for training I may have to give up quidditch"

The discussion quickly degenerated into a quarrel.  Ron was furious that Harry had no problem giving up quidditch for training that he wouldn't say what it was aside from Dumbledore teaching him occlumency.  Hermione was curious as to what other training he would get but he wouldn't answer her questions concerning it.  He had no desire to tell any of them that he would be learning the Dark Arts, never mind that he'd already cast an unforgivable curse.  He knew what their response would be; he'd seen it in the Order meeting when training came up.  By the time Ron was done he wasn't speaking to him and Harry really didn't mind that.  Ron had made him angry about his accusations of special treatment anyways.                       

                           So the last day at 12 Grimmauld Place came to a close with two of the three friends not speaking to each other and a haze of nerves over possible attacks in the morning. 

A/N  Thanks all for the wonderful reviews.  To the person who swore I DIDN'T read the book?  WRONG!  My copy is sitting on my puter right now.  I got it the day it came out and read it in approximately 20 hrs, with meal and bathroom breaks.  Then I started typing.  Anyways this should give you an idea of why Remus was so unreasonable.