I talked. Karl listened.
I told him about how I'd been sick for a long time now. That I was probably dying.
Karl began to pick at his fingernails, anxiously.
"Have you gone to a doctor?" he asked, quietly.
"No," I whispered. "They can't do anything more for me. If anything, have me stuck in the hospital for the rest of the time I have left.and I'm not sure I want that."
Karl bit his lip, and his eyebrows knitted themselves into a frown.
"Mimi.you can't just give up on this. You need to get help."
"I can." I said firmly. "And I am."
Karl rose up from his seat, and began to pace back and forth.
"Damn it, Mimi!" he cried, "You CAN'T give up!"
I watched him walk back and forth across the living room, shifting uncomfortably in my seat.
Finally, after a few moments of silence passed, he sat back down beside me.
"Aren't you scared?" he asked, his eyes pained.
"A little," I admitted, "But I mean, ever since I found out I was positive, I knew I was gonna die sometime sooner or later."
Right. I was lying through my teeth. Truth was, I was scared out of my mind. I wasn't ready to go, to leave my family, my friends.to leave Roger. Suddenly, I missed Roger terribly. I wished he was here to comfort me.
I sniffed, and swiped at my eye with my sleeve.
"Mimi," Karl tried again, taking my hand in his. "Please, let me take you to a hospital, there's gotta be something they can do to help you, if only- "
"There ISN'T!" I snapped, pushing his hand away. "You know the drill, Karl. You find out you're H.I.V positive, and right at that moment, you know you're dead. Suddenly you start to wonder what all the past few years were for. And where did they get you?" I threw out my hands. "NOTHING. I AM nothing, Karl, I." and then I broke off, as tears began to spill over the rims of my eyes.
Karl's mood suddenly changed.
"Hey," he whispered, pulling me towards him. "It'll be alright Mimi, you'll get through this. There's got to be someway."
I knew he had no idea what he was talking about, but I credited him for trying to help.
I sniveled into his shoulder.
"I don't want to die, Karl," I whispered.
"Me neither," he whispered back.
I untangled myself from his arms.
"What?" I said, wiping my eyes on my hand.
"Nothing," he said quickly. "I'm just tired. Mimi."
He leaned his head in towards me, trying to kiss me.
I ducked my head out of the way. He stopped, frowning.
"Karl, I can't," I sighed, "Roger."
"I thought you said Roger was gone, Mimi," Karl said, standing up.
"I love him," I whispered.
He sighed. He folded his arms and faced the opposite wall.
"When Sharon left.I just sort of stayed up here for a few weeks. I really loved her. She would never believe me, but it's true."
He sat on the windowsill to face me. "When she left, I just felt like there was no more point in living. I even considered taking my own life, so I wouldn't have to suffer anymore. My father finally started to realize how bad off I was, and one day he convinced me to come downstairs to work, to take my mind off things."
He looked up at me. "That was the day I met you, Mimi."
I fidgeted uncomfortably on the couch, looking down at the floor.
Karl let out a loud sigh, and turned towards me. "I think I'm going to lie down for a bit," he said.
"Okay," I said softly.
He turned without another word, and headed off into the direction of his bedroom.
I sat in Karl's living room for a while, with the TV turned on low. I flipped blankly through all the channels, not particularly stopping for anything. Finally, I gave up, tossing the remote onto the couch.
I wondered if I should check to see if Karl was okay. He'd been pretty upset.
I walked down to his bedroom door, and knocked softly. No one answered the door. I figured he was still asleep.
I pushed the door open silently, and closed it behind me. I walked over to the bed, where Karl was sprawled out under the covers, his chest rising and falling slowly. My eyes wandered over to his shoulders, and down his arms, and-
I thought I was seeing things. I kneeled down beside the bed and examined his arm.
I couldn't believe it. There were track marks starting from the inside of his elbow up to halfway up his upper arm.
I blinked, not wanting to believe what I was seeing. But when I opened my eyes, the marks were still there.
So that's why Karl had said he didn't want to die either, I thought. He was dying too.
Slowly, I got up off my knees and closed the door behind me again.
I picked my coat up from the floor, and went into the kitchen to fish a piece of scrap paper from the drawer.
Karl,
Went outside for a walk. Be back in a short while.
Then, after debating with myself for a few moments, I quickly etched at the bottom:
You should have told me. -Mimi
I stuck the note to his bedroom door, buttoned up my coat, and went downstairs.
I told him about how I'd been sick for a long time now. That I was probably dying.
Karl began to pick at his fingernails, anxiously.
"Have you gone to a doctor?" he asked, quietly.
"No," I whispered. "They can't do anything more for me. If anything, have me stuck in the hospital for the rest of the time I have left.and I'm not sure I want that."
Karl bit his lip, and his eyebrows knitted themselves into a frown.
"Mimi.you can't just give up on this. You need to get help."
"I can." I said firmly. "And I am."
Karl rose up from his seat, and began to pace back and forth.
"Damn it, Mimi!" he cried, "You CAN'T give up!"
I watched him walk back and forth across the living room, shifting uncomfortably in my seat.
Finally, after a few moments of silence passed, he sat back down beside me.
"Aren't you scared?" he asked, his eyes pained.
"A little," I admitted, "But I mean, ever since I found out I was positive, I knew I was gonna die sometime sooner or later."
Right. I was lying through my teeth. Truth was, I was scared out of my mind. I wasn't ready to go, to leave my family, my friends.to leave Roger. Suddenly, I missed Roger terribly. I wished he was here to comfort me.
I sniffed, and swiped at my eye with my sleeve.
"Mimi," Karl tried again, taking my hand in his. "Please, let me take you to a hospital, there's gotta be something they can do to help you, if only- "
"There ISN'T!" I snapped, pushing his hand away. "You know the drill, Karl. You find out you're H.I.V positive, and right at that moment, you know you're dead. Suddenly you start to wonder what all the past few years were for. And where did they get you?" I threw out my hands. "NOTHING. I AM nothing, Karl, I." and then I broke off, as tears began to spill over the rims of my eyes.
Karl's mood suddenly changed.
"Hey," he whispered, pulling me towards him. "It'll be alright Mimi, you'll get through this. There's got to be someway."
I knew he had no idea what he was talking about, but I credited him for trying to help.
I sniveled into his shoulder.
"I don't want to die, Karl," I whispered.
"Me neither," he whispered back.
I untangled myself from his arms.
"What?" I said, wiping my eyes on my hand.
"Nothing," he said quickly. "I'm just tired. Mimi."
He leaned his head in towards me, trying to kiss me.
I ducked my head out of the way. He stopped, frowning.
"Karl, I can't," I sighed, "Roger."
"I thought you said Roger was gone, Mimi," Karl said, standing up.
"I love him," I whispered.
He sighed. He folded his arms and faced the opposite wall.
"When Sharon left.I just sort of stayed up here for a few weeks. I really loved her. She would never believe me, but it's true."
He sat on the windowsill to face me. "When she left, I just felt like there was no more point in living. I even considered taking my own life, so I wouldn't have to suffer anymore. My father finally started to realize how bad off I was, and one day he convinced me to come downstairs to work, to take my mind off things."
He looked up at me. "That was the day I met you, Mimi."
I fidgeted uncomfortably on the couch, looking down at the floor.
Karl let out a loud sigh, and turned towards me. "I think I'm going to lie down for a bit," he said.
"Okay," I said softly.
He turned without another word, and headed off into the direction of his bedroom.
I sat in Karl's living room for a while, with the TV turned on low. I flipped blankly through all the channels, not particularly stopping for anything. Finally, I gave up, tossing the remote onto the couch.
I wondered if I should check to see if Karl was okay. He'd been pretty upset.
I walked down to his bedroom door, and knocked softly. No one answered the door. I figured he was still asleep.
I pushed the door open silently, and closed it behind me. I walked over to the bed, where Karl was sprawled out under the covers, his chest rising and falling slowly. My eyes wandered over to his shoulders, and down his arms, and-
I thought I was seeing things. I kneeled down beside the bed and examined his arm.
I couldn't believe it. There were track marks starting from the inside of his elbow up to halfway up his upper arm.
I blinked, not wanting to believe what I was seeing. But when I opened my eyes, the marks were still there.
So that's why Karl had said he didn't want to die either, I thought. He was dying too.
Slowly, I got up off my knees and closed the door behind me again.
I picked my coat up from the floor, and went into the kitchen to fish a piece of scrap paper from the drawer.
Karl,
Went outside for a walk. Be back in a short while.
Then, after debating with myself for a few moments, I quickly etched at the bottom:
You should have told me. -Mimi
I stuck the note to his bedroom door, buttoned up my coat, and went downstairs.
