A/N: Sirius never fell into the veil. He, Remus, and Tonks survived the war. Arthur wasn't attacked. Ron and Lavender began dating in fifth year instead of sixth. Tonks and Remus are dating as of the summer between the fourth and fifth book. The Weasleys are staying at Grimmauld during the Christmas holiday due to safety concerns. The full moon occurred on Christmas Eve 1995.


Added November 6, 2022 - Tags: Infidelity, a character rationalizing/defending past infidelity, alcohol abuse, mentions nightmares about Death Eaters and torture, and contains morally corrupt characters.


Keeper of Drunken Confessions - Part One - A Sirius Confession


Grimmauld Place

Fifth Year

Christmas Eve Eve - 1995

With a strangled gasp, sixteen-year-old, Hermione Granger woke from a nightmare, a recurring one - Death Eaters attacking her parents in Muggle London as she helplessly watched.

She tossed and turned as she sought sleep.

After several moments of struggling to find a comfortable position to return to sleep, a groggy voice from the other side of the room broke the silence.

"Again?" Ginny groaned. "Hermione!"

Hermione inhaled then exhaled before she apologetically said, "I know. I'm sorry."

"Go back to sleep!" Fourteen-year-old, Ginny, covered her eyes with her forearm as she retorted. "Now I know what Lavender meant about you disrupting her beauty sleep!"

Rather catty, Hermione responded, "There isn't enough time in the day to revive that prune."

Ginny sighed, "Hermione, I know she can be annoying, but don't you think you should be nice to her seeing as she's dating one of your best friends?"

Hermione tossed the blanket off her as she crawled out of bed. "This is me being nice. Have I hexed her?"

Ginny snorted in laughter as she said, "Not yet." She raises up to rest on her elbows. Concerned, she asked, "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to the kitchen."

"Mum doesn't like it when we roam this house alone, particularly at night."

Hermione rolled her eyes as she touched the doorknob. She said, "I hardly think anything life altering will occur in the time between me leaving this room and me returning."

Ginny nodded once before she said kindly, "All the same, be careful."

"Yes, Mum. Make sure you get enough beauty sleep before I return."

"Take your wand. The war has begun. None of us need to go anywhere without our wands." Ginny rolled her eyes then turned away from her to return to sleep. Hermione rightfully chagrined quickly retrieved her wand from the bedside table.

Hermione silently and slowly walked from the first-floor bedroom she and Ginny were assigned during the summer to the kitchen. The thick door that lead to the stairwell to the kitchen opened with a loud groan. She winced at the noise as she hoped that it hadn't awoken the portrait of Mrs. Black. The menacing, prejudiced portrait was located down the hall and around the corner. When she realized Mrs. Black hadn't awoken, she slipped past the ancient kitchen door unto the sturdy staircase.

A foot away from the bottom of the staircase, the overwhelming smell of alcohol assaulted her senses before she saw Sirius half sitting and half laying on the seat at the head of the long table in the center of the kitchen.

She quickly walked down the last three steps in concern for Sirius. However, she quickly realized why he was slouching in the chair as if passed out. Her eyes widened when she noticed two empty pints of Firewhiskey, several empty muggle European Spirit Bottles, and an unopened quart of muggle whiskey.

Sirius opened his eyes to reveal tired grey irises with the white of his eyes more bloodshot than white. He smiled friendly as he teased with a slight slur on every other word, "Does Molly know you're walking around the cursed House of Black at night? Alone?"

With her left palm facing Sirius, and her right hand in the air gripping her wand, she began to walk backwards, "I apologize. I did not intend to interrupt…whatever you're doing."

Sirius stood then braced his palms on the table to help stabilize him, because the quick movement under the influence had made him unstable on his feet.

"No, Kitten. Come." He waved her toward him with his left hand as his right gripped the table. "You came to the kitchen for a reason. Are you hungry? I can…" He paused when he realized he may not be in the best constitution to cook her a snack. "I can call Kreacher."

She barely hid her distaste from him when he offered to call for Kreacher.

He did not comment on it, but he did note it. She lowered her wand as she placed her left hand in the pocket of her pajama bottom. "I couldn't sleep…." She paused. "I am not hungry, but am a tad thirsty."

Sirius nodded as he sat down with his back to the back of the chair at the head of the table. He reached into his leather jacket to retrieve two vials. He popped the cork of both vials then poured the purple contents down his throat. He motioned for her to take a seat at the table.

She hesitated.

He waved his right hand. All the bottles, empty and not, of alcohol and the two vials of modified sober-up potion disappeared. He waved his right hand again before two bottles of butterbeer appeared. "I understand. I couldn't either. Have a seat. Share your pain."

Hermione sat in the chair to his left. She frowned as she made eye contact with him. He was smiling at her, but his eyes were haunted. Hermione sighed, "Oh, Sirius, I wouldn't dare share my pain with you. You have seen and heard so much in your lifetime. I do not ever," She looked away breaking the eye contact. "Want to add to that pain."

Sirius's genuine smile faltered for a moment before he masked how much the well-intentioned comment hit. With no slur detected, he said, "Kitten, the ones who have experienced a large amount of pain are the perfect ones to guide someone in pain out of pain."

His logic appealed to her, but she stayed silent for several moments.

"I…" Hermione paused before she shyly added. "I think you are right, however ones who are just experiencing pain could also help the guide."

He took a long swing of butterbeer before grimacing at the sweetness of it after drinking harder liquids for the past several hours. "What I'm hearing is 'I'll show you mine, if you show me' yours?"

"Sirius!" Scandalized, and blushing, Hermione snapped. "I know what you meant, but what if Molly or Arthur heard you?"

"What?" Sirius responded dumbly. His jaw went slack when he realized the implication. Disgusted, he stated, "What? NO. I would never." He scooted his chair a couple of inches away from her even though he had already been a respectful distance from her. "Pain." He clarified. "If I shared something painful then you share something painful."

"Oh," Hermione whispered as she finally reached for the butterbeer he had conjured from the fridge for her. She sipped on it in comfortable silence.

Sirius not feeling the need to fill the silence nursed his own butterbeer.

As she starred at the worn tabletop, she asked, "Have you ever had a recurring nightmare? One that loops repeatedly each night?"

He closed his eyes in physical and emotional pain. When he opened his eyes, he saw her looking at him. When their eyes met, she looked away.

"I…I apologize. That's a silly question to ask you with your experience in Azkaban."

He swallowed deeply before he responded. "Don't apologize, Kitten. It's not a silly question."

"But it is, Sirius."

"I spent a large portion of my time in Azkaban as Padfoot, particularly when the pain and memories became too much to bear. So, Azkaban didn't affect me as nearly as bad as it did the other prisoners. I understand that may make me a coward in some eyes, but I survived, didn't I?"

"Sirius," she said as she placed a palm on top of his hand. He slowly removed it from her touch. She cleared her throat slightly embarrassed yet understanding. "You are not a coward. You are brave. You are incredibly clever. You are a warrior."

"Thank you," He responded. He sighed. "I often have nightmares. Yes, sometimes, of Azkaban, sometimes of my childhood, but…the most reoccurring one, the most painful is a nightmare about James and Lily that morphs into a nightmare with Remus and Harry."

"I'm so sorry."

He waved off her concern. "Now that I've told you mine, what's bothering you?"

"Like you," She drew invisible doodles on the tabletop with an index finger. "I have many kinds of nightmares. The troll from first year…the reflection of the basilisk…a Polyjuice potion gone feline…my teeth falling out…failing my OWLS, but the one that I can't shake is about my parents…"

"Your parents? I thought they were incredibly kind people when I briefly met them back in the summer. Are they…are they mean to you?"

"Oh merlin no." She quickly responded in truth. "They're the best. They are incredibly gracious and loving…ever since," Her voice broke in emotion every few words. "…ever since the World Cup last year, I have had a…reoccurring nightmare about…Death Eaters finding them and torturing them." She inhaled and exhaled many times before she continued. "The way of torture and location changes each nightmare, but…in all of them, I can't protect them. I can't…I can't save them."

He sighed before he briefly tapped her hand with his index finger before he placed both palms against the table. "Do you want me to be supportive? Or…or do you want me to be frank?"

Hesitantly, she responded, "Both?"

"Your parents are in danger. The Death Eaters will target them, because they are connected to you, because you are connected to Harry and the Order…and, because…"

"I'm a Muggleborn? They're muggles."

"Precisely."

"Thank you for being frank with me." She responded kindly before her tone became irreverent. "Can you be supportive now?"

He quirked the corner of his lip in amusement. "That was me being supportive."

"Sirius."

"Now, I'll be frank. The Order has discussed the safety of you and your parents. I've advised them that there is only one option when it comes to your safety. It's to let you be wherever Harry is. Your parents-"

She interrupted him using a shrill tone. "So, Harry can protect me?"

"Heavens no." He responded mischievously. "So you can protect Harry."

Insolently, she said, "I'm so glad to know my worth to the Order."

"No, Kitten. Your worth is so much more than being Harry's bodyguard." He stated sincerely. "You can't tell a soul, not even Harry. The Order discussed placing you and your parents in hiding."

"Oh…" She responded surprised even though she should have suspected as much. "Were there alternative options to protect us?"

"Yes. Several. The most ludicrous one, in my opinion, was to obliviate each of you."

"Wow."

"Yeah."

After several moments of silence, she asked, "The nightmare about James and Lily…what helps you cope?"

He folded his lips into his mouth before he said, "I can deal with the days in a fairly healthy way. It's the nights when I need assistance."

"The alcohol…is because of the nightmare?"

"No. The alcohol is because of the memories."

"Oh, Sirius. I'm sorry. I can't imagine. My nightmares are mostly what-if, but yours…yours happened."

"I have what-if nightmares about them, too."

"Understandably so."

"No, you're making me sound like I'm grieving, but I'm not. At least, not anymore in a way I should. One of the what-if nightmares, is the reoccurring one I mentioned that has them, Remus, and Harry."

"I don't understand, Sirius. What do you mean?"

Instead of answering, he asked a question of his own. "Have you wondered why Peter was made Secret Keeper?"

She nodded, "I did wonder, at first, but I learned why. You convinced James and Lily that people expected you to be Secret Keeper, so it seemed like a clever and safer move to make Peter it instead."

"That is true, I did plant that idea, but James only agreed to it at the last moment."

"What happened for him to change his mind?"

In a regretful, vulnerable tone, he confessed. "He caught me and Lily in a compromising position."

She gawked at him. She inhaled and exhaled quickly as if attempting to prevent a panic attack. "Am I understanding you correctly?" She lowered her voice as she continued speaking. "Lily cheated on James with you?" Shocked, her mouth formed an 'o' before she quickly stated. "That goes against every fiber of the character of her that I've heard…and you? I heard about your reputation as a womanizer, but even still, I wouldn't expect that of you!"

He stared at her quietly as he waited for her to finish her tangent. He quietly, but firmly stated, "Firstly, we were in a war. War creates environments and situations that changes you and makes you sometimes bend your character to places you're not comfortable. Secondly, I was never a womanizer. I am a one-woman man. Whatever woman I'm with, I'm with. I don't commit to a woman lightly, but I don't string her along before the commitment either. Thirdly, I don't like the word cheated."

"Whether you like the word or not, it is what it is."

"You have incredibly much to learn in life. You are naïve, biased, and incredibly judgmental."

Both jumped when they heard the kitchen door open then footsteps down the stairs.

A worn, weak Remus turned the corner of the staircase and smiled warmly at Hermione the furrowed his brow at Sirius. "Whatever are you two arguing about?"

Sirius paled in horror that Remus had heard their discussion.

Although they had both paid attention to the volume of their voices as they had talked and disagreed, Hermione grimaced as she responded, "Were we quite loud, Professor? It seems as if Sirius and I bring out the worst in each other."

Sirius looked at her in disbelief. "The worst? I bring out the best in everybody I know."

Remus chuckled, "No, Hermione, I didn't hear anything. Please, call me Remus, okay?" He asked for the umpteenth time. "Sirius? Really?"

Relieved that Remus hadn't heard anything, Sirius pretended to remove nonexistent lint from his leather jacket.

Perplexed, Hermione slowly asked, "If you didn't hear what we were discussing, how did you know we were…disagreeing?"

"Don't like the word arguing, do you?" Sirius asked spitefully. "It is what it is whether you like the word or not."

Remus laughed at the two's banter. "The dynamic you two share remind me of the dynamic that he shared with Lily. They stayed at each other's throats, but they cared for another in their own way."

Both Sirius and Hermione blanched for different reasonings, however both reasons were attached to the secret Sirius had shared.

Sirius stood abruptly. He went to his friend, hugged him, and said, "Remus. How are you, my friend? Ready for tomorrow?"

"Not quite." Remus responded as he returned the hug before he sat across from Hermione. "I'm a bit weary and pained. Severus is running a tad behind on delivering the Wolfsbane potion this month. I usually begin taking it two days before the full moon rises."

"Slimy bat." Sirius said as he sat down.

Hermione cleared her throat as she stood. She looked down at Sirius as she said, "Thank you for the discussion, Sirius." She glanced at Remus. "Happy Christmas, Pro-Remus. I do hope that Professor Snape is able to deliver the potion tomorrow, well later today."

"Thank you, Hermione." Remus smiled kindly at her. His smile making the corner of his eye crinkle. He reached into his jacket to retrieve a vial of potion. "Tonks was called in for an extra shift tonight and couldn't deliver these to you. She sent me an owl a little while ago saying she forgot to ask me to bring it to you. She'll bring more on Christmas."

Shyly, Hermione took the vial from Remus. "Thank you. I had wondered why she wasn't at dinner."

Hermione quickly left. Once the sound of the kitchen door closing occurred, the men began to talk freely.

Sirius asked, "Was that a Dreamless Sleep Potion?"

Remus raised his eyebrows as he questioned, "What business is it of ours what potion a sixteen-year-old girl asked another woman to retrieve for her?"

Sirius stated, "You speak as if it's something lady oriented. It's not a contraceptive potion. Potions Master, I am not, officially, but I could've been. Highest marks in our year in Potions, all seven years, thank you very much. It's a dreamless sleep potion."

Weary, but unsurprised, Remus uttered. "Sirius."

"What? It's not a contraceptive." Sirius said, defensively. "That Krum guy is thousands of miles away. She's a one-male female. I can tell."

Tentatively, Remus shared a tidbit that he learned from Tonks the other day. "I believe they broke up."

"Oh…" Sirius said, before he added. "It isn't a contraceptive potion. She's too young to be needing one."

"She's too young for you to be thinking either way if she needs one or not. This line of conversation is highly uncomfortable for me. Let's change the subject."

Sirius waved his right hand. The unopened bottle of muggle whiskey he had vanished earlier reappeared. He asked, "Want a drink?"

Shocked, Remus asked, "Is this your first drink since dinner?"

"Merlin no." Sirius responded as he cackled. "I've been drinking all night except the last thirty minutes while I argued with Hermione."

"You seem sober…" Remus trailed off as he realized something. "You're making your Sober-Appear potions again?"

"I still need to think of a better name than that," Sirius said as he poured Remus some of the whiskey. "But, yes, I am making the potions again that kept the Marauders knackered for most weekends of seventh year, but away from scrutiny of Hogwarts staff and Prefects."

Remus snorted as he took a drink from the glass Sirius had just handed him. "Seventh year?

Sirius sniggered as he conceded to Remus. "Well, okay, maaaaybe sixth year, too."

Remus raised his glass to Sirius, "I am thoroughly glad. To Sober-Appear-official name pending."

Sirius cheered, "To Sober-Appear-official name pending."

Remus smiled melancholy as he said, "To think, the name was originally a scathing remark from Lily about how you were creating trickery with your potions."

Sirius swallowed a gulp of alcohol then coughed before he said, "I told her then, and I'll tell you now. Magic is trickery. Trickery is magic. A charmed potion of such caliber as Sober-Appear is highly advanced magic and potion mastery."

Remus confessed, "I miss them terribly."

Sirius whispered, "Me, too."

Remus raised his glass once more as he said, "To James and Lily."

Sirius clinked his glass against Remus's glass as he said, "To James and Lily."


Author's Note: Thank you for reading. What did you think of Keepers of Drunken Confessions part one? Favorite parts? Dislikes? This was intended to be a one shot. After realizing the length of it, I split it into two parts. Second part coming soon.