Chapter 2.

It was raining outside. I had no idea when it had started, and when it would end. First the rain was mild, drizzled down gently, as if the sky was shedding tears down on earth. Gradually the lament turned severe. Raindrop started to downpour from the dark firmament, getting thicker and thicker, deluged the land with water. Stream formed on the road in front of the hospital, once in a while, there were cars speeding by, splashing the water everywhere. The splash would reflect with the road light, flickering like pyrotechnic.

I stood in front of the window, watching this view quietly. My chaotic thought began to gather. 7 hours had passed. The light in the emergency room still shine. Jamie was still in there. My friends were all gone, left me and Reverend. I vaguely remembered they all hugged me and comforted me before they left. But I could not record what they said precisely. Oncology staffs were working in shifts now. Every 2 hours, a team of doctors and nurses would come out and another fresh team would go in. The shift was done hastily. They passed through us, whispering to each other, oblivious to our present.

I looked at Reverend Sullivan. He had fallen asleep. He was tired. All these stress were too much for his age. Heck, it was even overwhelming to me. His gray hair shivered slightly. Even in sleep, his face looked sad and twisted, like someone had just drawn more wrinkles on his forehead. "Poor Reverend." I said to myself. He must love Jamie as much as I do. Yet he had to face this cruel reality, first his wife, then his daughter. What did he do wrong? Why God had to do this to him? He had done nothing but believe in God and served Him for his entire life.

"Mr. Carter." Someone called my name, dragging me out of my thought. I looked to the side. 3 doctors stood beside me. They just came out of the emergency room. I noticed the emergency sign on the door was off.

"Yes." I said. They took off their surgical gauze mask. I recognized one of them, Doctor Kerwin. I had visited him before.

"Your wife is the most courageous woman I had ever met, Mr. Carter," Doctor Kerwin said, adjusting his spectacles, "her heart failed 6 times today. Every time we thought she's gone, her heart would start beating again. That was truly extraordinary."

I nodded, "how is she now?"

Doctor Kerwin hesitated, then said, "We tried our best to bring her blood pressure back to normal. She's stable now. But we need to monitor close on her. We want to keep her in the emergency room for one night, in case of anything come up.."

"Can I stay with her?" I asked.

"Yes," He said, "but only one family member is allowed." He looked to where Reverend was sitting.

"Landon, you stay with her."

I turned around. It was Reverend. He was awake. I took his hand, and said, "Thank you." He nodded, "Take care of her. I need to go now." He picked up his coat, walk silently towards the elevator.

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I walked in the room. It was dim inside. Only one lamp was on. I saw Jamie lay on the bed. An oxygen mask covered her face, pumping fresh air constantly, helping her to breath. Various color of tubes attached to her left forearm. There were bruises on every injecting area of the tubes. I knew that because of the platelet deficiency, the bruises would last for a long time. I also knew that sooner or later, the veins of where the tubes were attached would collapse. The doctors then would have to find new veins to connect those tubes, which would inflict even more bruises.

I knelt beside her, taking her right hand in mine. Her hand icy cold, her pulse vulnerably weak, her skin ashy pale. I could feel every ounce of energy leaking from her body with every breath she took. I felt extreme feckless and hopeless.

Suddenly, her hand moved. Her eyes opened a bit.

"Hey, sweetie," I said, softly. "Doctor said you are doing good. Just rest and don't think too much, okay?"

She nodded slightly, and smiled. I loved her smile. Even in this condition, her smile was the most beautiful thing in the world. Her forefinger moved around in my palm. I soon realized she was trying to write something in my hand. She could not talk with the oxygen mask on. She was too weak to speak anyway.

I flattened my hand. Slowly, she wrote, "How is your interview?"

"Perfect," I smiled, "The Professor likes me. He said he would like to see me in his class next semester."

Jamie's eyes widened, twinkled with joy. "I am so happy." She wrote.

"Me too." I said, kissing her hand.

"I love you." She wrote.

"I loved you too, sweetie." I whispered.

Gradually, her eyes closed, her hand returned lifeless. She had lost conscious again. The anemia was making her extremely fatigue. It would make her coming in and out of consciousness constantly. Jamie was dying, but at the same time, she was so alive to me. What she just did made my blood boiled for a long while. "Maybe," I thought, "maybe she will live." Then the optimistic part of my brain took control. I began to think about all the available treatments for her cancer nowadays, chemotherapy, radiation therapy, immunotherapy, bone marrow transplant.. Jamie said she had stopped respond to the treatments before. Certainly she did not try all the treatments. Maybe if I convinced her to try other treatments, she will find her cure and live..

But deep down I knew that any of these treatments also possessed adequately degree of risk and side effects, especially in Jamie's case, where the cancer was in its late period thus extremely unstable. If anything goes wrong, it would hasten her deteriorating..

What if she can't make it.

I could not stop the sadness floating in my chest. The pessimistic thought suddenly billowed out of control. If she can't make it, if she dies, what am I going to do?

The fact is, Jamie was the only person who had brought me faith and hope in this world. I had witnessed the painful separation of my parents in my infancy. I saw them argued. I saw them fought. I saw my father ran off with another woman, abandoned me and my mother. When I was 10, my grand mom, who took care of me for years during my parents' divorce process and loved me very much, died in a painful heart attack. The worst part is that I was there when it happened. All these terrible childhood influences had made me very rebel and cynical at a young age. I did go to church every Sunday, but only because it was my grandmom's last wish before she passed away. Every time I saw the fancy painting of Christ in the church, I could not help but asking God why all these bad things had happened to me. And of course, He never answered. Thus I believed in the theory of the existence of God, but refused to accept the concept of "He loves us". To me, God is cruel. He played us like harp.

Until I fell in love with Jamie.

Jamie was the direct opposite essence of me. Falling in love with her had completely changed me. It's like I had lived all my life in hell, full of evil and sin, and then she showed me a glimpse of heaven, with goodness and beauty. She became the center and pillar of my new world. If she's gone, that would mean the collapse of my world. I would lose my faith again. I would be more cynical than before, even hateful. I still remembered the day I watched my grandmom died..

Only living with Jamie, would my life be complemented and exciting. Everything is like adventure. Without her, my life is absolutely colorless and ridiculously predictable. It would throw me into the abyss of misery. I can not imagine myself mourning in her funeral, or grieving in front of her tombstone, realizing that loneliness and despair are yet to come. No, I can't let that happen. I rather die.

I rather die.

I repeated to myself. I felt sense of relief. Only death can bring us together. Only death can end my ceaseless anguish. If she dies, I had nothing to live for. If she dies, I will join her.

I glanced over to the side of the room. Adjacent to the wall, there was a table with pens and paper. I walked to the table. Absently, I picked up a pen and started to write. I wrote a letter. A letter to everyone who loved us, my mom, my dad, Reverend Sullivan, Ms. Garber, Eric, Belinda, Tracie, Dean, Clay.. everyone who had attended our wedding. I told them why I do it and not to feel sad for me because I'm actually relieved. I told them that I want my body buried with Jamie in the same tomb. I wanted us to be buried in the same spot where I gave her the star registration. I wanted the telescope to be forged in front of our tomb so Jamie and I could watch the stars together, forever..

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The letter wasn't long, around 200 words, but the sorrow within is unimaginable. Every text was extremely arduous to inscribe, that the pen weighted like thousand pounds. I read the letter in my mind over and over. Every time I read it I felt like someone was chocking me, yet I felt relief. It was absolutely crazy. "You are the most insane creature on this planet." I said to myself. The sarcastic tone made me want to vomit.

"Landon?"

I was surprised that someone had entered the room. Apparently I was lost in my disordered thoughts, that I neglected my surrounding. I glanced to where the voice from. It was Belinda, standing near the door. I began to panic. I did not wish anyone to discover what I just did. Instinctly, I tore the letter off the pad, quickly rolled it and threw it into the trash can underneath the table.

"What are you doing, Landon?" She asked.

"Nothing," I answered, acting casual, "what are you doing here, Belinda? It's late."

Fortunately, it seemed she wasn't suspicious of my action. "I left my coat in the lobby." She said, looked to Jamie, "What did the doctor said?"

"She's stable now. But they have no idea when it will come back." I said, despondently. At this condition, there was really nothing they could do now but to wait, wait for a miracle, or wait for her end..

Belinda sighed. She hugged me and said, "We will be back tomorrow to see her after school. Just be strong, Landon. She's going to be okay."

"Thank you." I said. "Where did you park your car? I'll walk you there."

"No, stay with her, Landon. I'll be fine." She said. Nonetheless, I followed her to the elevator. She hugged me again, "Take care, Landon. I. We love you."

I watched the door shut. Her voice echoed in my head.

"Be strong, Landon." "We love you."

I thought about my friends, Eric, Belinda, Dean, Clay. my parents and Reverend Sullivan. Suddenly, I regretted of my previous intention. I went back to the emergency room, took Jamie's hand and began praying.

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The next morning, I found my self laying on a hospital bed in another room. A nurse came in. "Good morning, Mr. Carter." She said, with a bright smile, "You fell asleep. We'd moved you here. Your wife is in the rehab room now. She's doing good." I quickly asked for the room number and rushed there. When I went in the room, I was surprised. I saw Belinda sit beside Jamie. A Bible was opened on her knee and she was reading it to Jamie. The oxygen mask wasn't on Jamie now. Her eyes closed, but the smile on her face told me that she had regained her consciousness.

Belinda sensed my appearance. "Hey, Landon." She looked up and said. "Hey." I replied. The clock on the wall read 1:30 PM. I guessed I had fallen asleep somewhen this morning.

Jamie opened her eyes. "Good morning sunshine." Her face still pale, but her smile would never lose its vitality.

"Good afternoon, you mean." I kissed her slightly on the cheek.

Belinda put on her coat. "My next class started at 2:30. I had to go now. I will be back after that."

Jamie motioned me to follow her. I followed Belinda to the hallway. I recorded the thing she said last night.

"Hey Belinda." I said. She turned around. "Yes, Landon?"

"I just want to say thank you, really. You'd been a really good friend."

Belinda nodded. She looked down at her toes, tried to find something to say. She looked nervous. I could sense her hesitation. Belinda was those kind of typical "strong" woman. She could do anything for her love one, or to get her love one back. That's why back in high school, when Jamie and I got together, she had tried to hurt us. I wondered what made her hesitated to say.

Finally, she said, "Landon, can you promise me one thing?"

"Of course, anything I can." I said.

"Can you promise me not to hate me?"

I thought about the fliers she handed out. "Jamie and I already forgot about those things long time ago," I said, "We were in high school. We were young. Everybody made mistakes."

Belinda shook her head. "No, I'm not talking about that.." She hesitated again, then said, "nevermind." She turned around and started walking. I could sense the disappointment.

"Okay," I followed and said, "I promise you I'll never hate you."

She nodded, never looked back. I walked her to the parking lot and watched her drove away. Strange thing was, even with my sincere promise, the sadness never disappeared from her face.

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Jamie was reading the Bible by herself when I got back to the room.

"You can make me a very happy man if you could just lie down." I said. Jamie looked at me and laughed. I helped her lie down, sat right next to her. She put her hand on my knee. I put my hand over hers. It felt much warmer than yesterday.

"So," She said, "did you thank her for me?"

"Yes, of course." I said.

"Belinda is such a good friend. She'd been reading the passages for me all morning. And we talked a lot of things too." Jamie said.

"What you two talked about?" I asked.

"All kinds of things you guys did in high school. She told me this once that you guys broke in the chemistry lab at night and stole all the lab frogs and released them in the cemetery. That was crazy."

I laughed, "Yeah, I remember that. Did Belinda tell you that Dean was afraid of frogs?"

Jamie nodded. We both laughed again.

Suddenly, Jamie surprised me with a question, "She still has feeling for you. She will do anything for you. Do you know that?"

I did not respond immediately. I knew Belinda still likes me. The way she looked at me, the way she talked to me, I was not a dimwit. I knew it. But Jamie had taken every space in my heart, I never thought about any other girls after I fell in love with her. Instead of answer her directly, I kissed her and said, "Just like I will do anything for you."

Jamie glanced away from me. She stared at the window with that far-away- look in her eyes. Somehow my answer hurt her. Slowly, she said, "Landon. sometimes you have to look at things that's given to you, instead of looking at something that's taken from you.."

"The only thing I want is you." I kissed her hand and said. Jamie closed her eyes. I could see the pain on her face. Her hand suddenly felt cold again. Her breath turned a bit heavy, like she's having trouble to breath.

"Are you okay, sweetie?" I concerned.

Jamie looked back at me. Her breathing returned normal. The familiar cheerful face appeared again. "I'm alright," She said, smiling, "So, did you tell your mom what happened?"

"No." I said. My mom was on a business trip in New York. I hadn't had the chance to call her.

"She knows now," Jamie said, "My dad called her this morning. She's on her way back now." Jamie looked to the clock on the wall, "Hmm, she's going to be in the train station in about half an hour. Landon, it would be nice if you go there and get her for me."

I hesitated. I really didn't want to leave Jamie. My mother knew the way to the hospital. Why did I have to get her?

Jamie saw my reluctance. She squeezed my hand a little and said, "Please, Landon, for me?"

Being Jamie's husband for months, I had come to realize how smart and understanding Jamie was. She really knew my hot button. Every time she made that lovely gesture and said those 4 magic words I would almost always fall for it. It all started at our first date when she asked me to dance. It had become my instinct to follow whatever she said after that. Jamie knew that very well.

I thought about the way to the train station. If I drive fast enough, it only takes less than 20 minutes. "Okay, I will be right back." I said. I picked up my outfit and car key. When I was about to leave the door I glanced back at Jamie. She crossed her hand and held the Bible to her chest. Her eyes shut, almost like she fell asleep again.

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It took me exactly 15 minutes to get to the train station. The schedule said that next train from New York was going to arrive in 10 minutes. The one after that wasn't going to be here in another 4 hours. So my mom must be in the next train.

The train actually arrived in 40 minutes, almost half an hour late. "No wonder people buy cars," I said to myself in sulkiness, "public transportation seriously sucks." I started looking for my mom on the platform. The crowd slowly got thinner. I still couldn't find my mom. I thought I missed her somewhere on the way. So I went out to the parking lot and looking for her. I spent another half hour there. Still, no trace of her.

At this point I was pretty much stressed out. I went back to my car and picked up my cellphone, dialed my mom's cellphone number.

"Hello?" The other end picked up, it was my mom's voice.

"Hey, mom, this is Landon." I said.

"Hi, Landon, how you doing." My mom said.

"Fine, um, mom, where are you now?"

"I'm in New York. Why you called me?"

It was then I realized something was wrong, terribly wrong. I could feel the sweat pouring from my head. "You mean you didn't take the train?"

"Why would I take the train? I haven't finished my job here yet.."

I hung up the phone, jumped in the car and started flying back to the hospital. My heart was jumping up and down wildly, like it was going to explore right out of my chest.

Jamie had tricked me. Why?

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