A/N: Sorry that it took me so long! I hope you're still interested!

Please review, the next chapter is nearly finished already and now I finally have holidays, so I can write much.

jadeybeta: I think I mentioned that in this story Tara doesn't die and this takes part before Season 7 and so Anya didn't die either. I don't really like it that they died (-;

Enjoy!!!!!

Chapter 6 - Back to life

Nearly two weeks later Dawn entered the bedroom smiling. During the last few days she always visited Spike right after school.

"Hey, Big Bad. You look much better!"

He really was, even though he still didn't sleep much because of the nightmares, every night Giles had to come to his room when he woke up screaming, and when he was alone for too long he became restless and scared. He hated this feeling but he couldn't help it.

And the injuries weren't fully healed yet as well.

"Thanks. How was school?"

"Well, can we change the subject?"

"Didn't you have that maths test today?" He caughed a little, his voice still had to recover fully.

Dawn rolled her eyes. "Yes," she said quietly.

A small smile came to his lips. "Didn't go too well?"

"No, not really. Can we talk about something else now? Or maybe watch some TV?"

"Ok, turn the telly on."

"What do you want to watch?"

Now it was his turn to roll his eyes. "As if I knew what's on."

They didn't get the chance to watch anything, though. Buffy and Giles entered the room and interrupted them.

"Hey, you two."

"Hi, don't you dare to ask me about the maths test."

"That bad?"

"Yep."

The slayer shook her head. "We'll talk about it when you get it back."

"Ok." She stood up and walked towards the door. "I have to use the bathroom."

When she was gone Buffy sat down on a chair next to Spike's bed. "How are you?"

"Better." He paused a moment. He had to ask the question, all the time he hadn't been able to forget it and he really needed to know the answer. "Buffy? May I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Do you know how I came back?"

She smiled a little. "Yes, it was a spell."

"And who..."

"Dawn."

Spike was stunned.

His Nibblet had done this?

Probably she had used the same spell she had also used when she had tried to bring her mother back.

But it was dangerous, very dangerous.

He remembered very well how hard it had been to get the egg Ghora's, they both could have died. If he hadn't been there to protect her she would never have made it.

How had she been able to do it now?

Anyway, he didn't feel too good about it, she could have died easily down there and he didn't want that anything happened to her because of him.

"She didn't tell us anything," Buffy continued. "When I came home she was on her way out of the house, she didn't expect me to come home that night, and when I walked into her room I found the things she needed for the spell. It was done already."

"But how did she get the egg of the Ghora?"

"It wasn't in its nest." She thought for a moment, then frowned. "How do you know that she needed the egg?"

He sighed, he had forgotten that she hadn't known that it had been him who had helped Dawn to do the spell after Joyce had died.

Well, now he had to tell her. "I was the one who helped her bringing your mother back."

**********

This was a shock for Buffy.

He had helped her to bring her mother back?

First she was even a little annoyed. How could he do such a foolish thing?

After all he was much older than Dawn, he should have told her that what she had been trying was wrong, he should have brought her home and tell her what had happened.

That was not the only thing the slayer wanted to know.

Why had he done it?

Did he have any reason to bring Joyce back?

"Why?" She asked aloud now.

He looked down at the blanket, feeling embarassed. "I... I missed Joyce. You know I didn't come along too well with you guys then and Joyce has always... been nice to me. She didn't treat me like a monster. I didn't belong to the demons anymore, but you didn't want me around either, Xander even sent me away when I wanted to bring some flowers on your mom's funeral day. And when I saw Dawn trying to find a spell to bring Joyce back I helped her. I brought her to the Doc and helped her to get the bloody egg."

Buffy felt tears forming in her eyes now, the anger was gone immediatly. She hadn't thought that he had suffered so much. Back then she had even thought that he had no feelings at all. To her and her friends he had alsways been the vampire without a soul but with a chip.

For everyone but Dawn and Joyce.

Now she realized how terrible it had been for him to lose her mother. And they hadn't even allowed him to go to her funeral to say goodbye as well.

**********

It had been very hard for Spike to talk about that.

He didn't like to talk to others about his feelings and he was more than a little embarassed.

All he could do was waiting for Buffy to do something, he didn't even dare to look at her. Still he stared at the blanket.

Suddenly he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder and when he finally looked up he saw that Buffy sat on the edge of the bed now, with tears in her beautiful eyes. "I'm sorry, Spike, I'm so sorry we treated you like that. It was not fair. I can't make it undone but I can promise you that it will be different from now on."

He didn't know what to say and luckily he didn't have to say anything at all for Dawn came back.

"What will be different?"

"You will be better in math," Buffy said dryly, blinking her tears away so her younger sister wouldn't get the chance to see them.

"Great, you're still talking about the damned test, right?"

"Yes, but we will stop now."

The girl just rolled her eyes.

**********

The next day Giles came into the bedroom. "Spike, I have to buy some food and blood. Dawn will come in about half an hour, I called her on her cell phone to be sure that she would come. Can I leave you alone that long?"

The vampire sat up in his bed and smiled at the watcher, but it was obvious that it wasn't real. "Sure you can. I'll be fine."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I'll watch some TV."

Giles nodded. A few days ago he had brought a TV into the room so Spike could distract himself a little when he needed it. "Ok, but if anything is wrong you can always call Anya or Dawn. She's not in school anymore but she has to walk here."

"Why's that? No bus today?"

"There was a bus, but she missed it. She just called to tell me. But I can't wait any longer, the butcher will close earlier today and I guess you're hungry."

"Yeah, I am. Don't worry, you can go."

Giles nodded, placed the telephone next to the bed and left.

He hoped that Spike would really call someone if anything was wrong, of course they wouldn't be here immediatly but at least he could talk to someone, this would probably help him to calm down.

**********

After Giles had left Spike turned the TV on.

Outside there was a thunderstorm and it was pretty loud. The rain, the thunder. With every noise and every flash he jumped.

The rain was getting harder and for a moment he wondered wether Dawn had an umbrella with her.

But he just wasn't able to concentrate on her now.

He tried to focus on the movie but he didn't even know what it was about.

For nearly half an hour he laid as still as possible, trying not to panic.

He was more than relieved when the front door opened and he heared Dawn's voice. "Hi Spike! I'll be right there but first I need to borrow some dry clothes from Giles."

Ok, she didn't have an umbrella.

When she walked in Spike forgot what he had been through for a moment and laughed a little. Giles clothes were much to large for her and it looked terrible. Tweed didn't suit her well.

But at least it was dry.

"Hey, what's wrong, Mr? Don't you like my new outfit?" She joked.

"Of course I do, Nibblet, you look just great."

"Very funny." She pouted playfully and sat down next to him, then she pointed at the TV and asked, "What's on?"

"I don't know. I just turned it on," he lied and jumped a little when he heared a loud thunder.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, sorry, I just..."

"Hey, you don't need to apologize." Her voice grew more quiet when she continued. "After all you've been through it's understandable when you are afraid."

Before he could say anything she cuddled against him, wrapped her arms around him and rested her head on his shoulder. "It's ok, I'm not that small anymore, you don't have to hide your feelings in front of me. Really."

Spike didn't say anything, he was just glad about her comforting presence. She had matured so much since they had become friends.

Again he had to think about the fact that it had been her who had brought him back to this world. Because of her, because she had risked her life, he didn't have to suffer in hell any longer.

Again he jumped because of a thunder.

"Shh," she whispered. "It's ok." Her eyes didn't leave the TV but her hand was stroking his back in comforting circles.

"Dawn?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"That's ok, I'll always be here for you."

"I mean not only for that, but I mean for bringing me back from hell, too."

She looked at him in surprise. "You know?"

"Yeah, Buffy told me yesterday. I just wanted to be alone with you before letting you know that I know." He looked at the young girl who still leaned against him. For a moment the old mischief was shining in his eyes. "You know I should scold you for going to the Ghora's nest."

"It wasn't there!" She tried to defend herself.

"And you knew that before I guess?"

"Well, not really. But nothing happened. Can't we just leave it at that?"

He nodded slowly. "Ok, we don't talk about the Ghora anymore, but I will make make it up to you, I promise."

"You've done so much for me already. And now shut up, I wanna see the movie." With that she rested her head on his chest again.

He really was silent, no more words were needed.

**********

Giles was just preparing his dinner when he heared the bedroom door open.

He turned around and saw how Spike stiffly came out of the room. The vampire looked a lot better, maybe a little tired and his hair was still long, curly and brown, but he wasn't that thin anymore and even though he had obviously problems with walking he did much better than he had nearly three weeks ago.

"Spike, do you really feel like walking around already?" The watcher asked nontheless.

"Sure, I'm fine, Rupert. I just wanted to take a shower if that's alright with you."

"Of course! Wait a minute, I will get you a towel." Giles was more than glad that Spike felt better and at least cared about something.

And he had really smelled better already and it was good that he had realized himself that he needed a shower.

The wounds on the skin were mostly healed but the bones which had been badly broken still gave him problems. But Giles decided that he was able to shower himself, it was wrong to do everything for him. He needed to get his old independence and confidence back and he would never be able to if he the watcher would help him with every little thing.

So he gave him the towel, told him to be careful and left the bathroom.

About 15 minutes later the vampire came out again, wearing new clothes Giles had bought for him.

"Why don't you sit down?" He pointed at the table. "We could... have dinner together."

Spike raised an eyebrow. "Alright, but isn't that a little disturbing for you?"

"No, I think I got used to it. Sit down, I'll warm up your blood."

"Thanks."

**********

He just wasn't able to stay in the bedroom any longer. Three weeks had been enough and he realized that he smelled a little bad already. It wasn't as bad as humans would smell after three weeks in bed without to shower or to bath - but he found that it was bad enough.

Slowly he got up, first a wave of dizziness came over him. After a moment he straightened and took his first step.

One of his legs had been badly broken and it still hurt to use it, his ribs and one of his shoulders weren't fully healed yet as well but he tried to ignore it and walked towards the door. Buffy and Dawn had been here all day but he knew that they had gone an hour ago and now he was alone with Giles.

When he opened the door the watcher looked up at him and smiled a little. "Spike, do you really feel like walking around already?"

The vampire could easily hear the worry in the man's voice and it somehow felt good. Before he had been in hell he had thougth that the scoobies didn't care about him, but during the last few weeks even Xander had shown him that he did, just like all the others. Quickly he assured him that he was alright and told him that he wanted to take a shower.

"Of course! Wait a minute, I will get you a towel." Giles seemed happy about the fact that he was feeling better and he was back very fast.

He handed a towel and a few clothes over to Spike. A black shirt and a black jeans. "I got those for you. If they don't fit you I can bring them back.

"Thanks."

"That's alright, now go. And be careful, you still look a little... unsteady."

Spike smiled and nodded. "Don't worry, I will."

The hot water felt good and for a moment he forgot about everything. He remained in the shower for longer than he had intended but then he finally got out, quickly put on the clothes and left the bathroom.

Giles had just finished to prepare his dinner and looked at him now. "Why don't you sit down? We could have dinner together."

Spike was a little surprised to hear that. He remembered the watcher's disgust when he had told him that he liked cookies in his blood, that seemed to be an eternety ago. "Alright," he said, "but isn't that a little disturbing for you?"

"No, I think I got used to it. Sit down, I'll warm up your blood."

"Thanks." Slowly he sat down on one of the chairs and watched how Giles filled the "Kiss the Librarian" cup with blood and placed it in the microwave.

It was a little uncomfortable to sit on a chair again for the first time after all those years, but he was sure that he soon would get used to it once more.

When the blood was finished Giles sat down in front of Spike, handed him the cup and smiled a little. "But please don't throw any cookies or anything in there. I don't think I got used to it enough to stand that."

So he remembered that little scene, too. The vampire couldn't hold back a chuckle. "Don't worry, blood is enough for now."

"That's good."

After a few moments of silence Giles spoke again. "Would you mind to move into the guest room now that you're feeling better? I mean, it's not less comfortable but I just..."

"That's ok, Rupert. I understand that you want your room back. As soon as I'm alright I'll go back to my crypt anyway. Until then I'll sleep in the guest room."

"Alright, but you know that you don't have to go back to your crypt so soon, don't you?"

Spike knew that Giles was worrying about the nightmares he still had every night. And still he wasn't able to be alone for long, but he wanted to change that. "Yes, I know, thank you. But you must understand that it can't go on like that. I feel so... so weak. I don't want to need your help forever, I can't stand that. I'm sorry, I know you mean it well, but..." He trailed off, looked down to the ground and took a small sip of his blood.

"I understand, but it's no weakness to accept help. You've been through so much lately, it's more than understandable that it's hard for you to deal with it."

"My head tells me the same, but unfortunately it's hard to believe it. I want to be like I was, Rupert!"

**********

"... I want to be like I was, Rupert!" His voice sounded pleading, desperate and the watcher sighed sadly.

"You will, Spike. But you expect too much from yourself. You are strong, you mustn't doubt that. The fact that you were not like a wild animal when you first came back proves it, doesn't it? Don't tell Buffy I said that but you are stronger than Angel. Don't be too hard on yourself, you need time."

The vampire didn't say anything, he just stared at the ground, probably pretty embarassed.

Giles reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder. "It will be alright, I promise."

Still Spike didn't look up, but nodded nontheless. "Thanks."

"You're welcome. What do you think about watching some TV? Manchester United is playing."

Finally the vampire looked up again and smiled gratefully. "Sounds good."

"Ok, you can go to the sofa and I will bring your stuff to the guest room. I'll be back as soon as the game starts."

"I can help you."

"No, it's ok. There's not much you know. I don't want you to do so much today, it's the first day that you're up."

"Ok, thanks."

Giles nodded and left the room.

**********

The next week went very well.

As always Buffy and Dawn had been there for a few hours every day and the others had been there a few times, too.

It was easier for Spike to walk around, his body was almost fully healed, but his soul was another matter. As soon as the doorbell rang he jumped and went directly to his room. He was still scared to be alone for longer than an hour or so and the nightmares were not getting any better.

Of course he tried to be strong in front of the others, he didn't want them to pity him, he wanted to be respected like he once had been.

The vampire knew that he needed to overcome his fears, fear of strangers, fear of getting hurt, fear of being alone.

And so one night he got dressed and took his old coat Dawn had brought him. When he left the room Giles looked at him in surprise.

"Where are you going?" The watcher asked.

"Out for a walk. I need some fresh air, haven't been out for weeks."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, I'll be fine. I won't go too far."

"Alright, but wait a minute." Giles left the room for a moment and came back with a cell phone.

Spike raised an eyebrow. "I didn't know that you have such a thing."

"Well... Buffy bought it for me, she didn't know what to give me for my birthday. I want you to take it with you. If anything's wrong you can call me or Buffy or Xander or anyone you want. The numbers are all saved in it."

"Thanks. Is it alright if I go now?"

"Of course, you're no prisoner, just take one more thing with you." The watcher handed him a stake.

For a moment Spike just stared down at the weapon. He didn't know if he would be able to use it. To be honest he hadn't thought about the possibilty to meet a demon out there and it somehow scared him. He didn't think that he was still able to fight and to kill, he believed that the hell demons had broken him and for a moment he even wondered why the scoobies even took care of him. He was useless to them now.

But finally he nodded, took the stake and left the apartment.

**********

It felt better to be out than he had thought.

It was a warm night and it felt good to go a little further than the few feed that lay between his room, the living room and the bathroom.

He also wasn't as scared as he had thought he would be but he wasn't able to forget his fear completely. Of course there were noises, animals, the wind, and everyone of them made him jump. But he didn't bolt, he didn't panic and that was a start.

He really didn't intend to go very far and after about 15 minutes he turned to go back. The time wasn't the only reason, he was very near on one of Sunnydale's cemetaries and he really didn't want to face a demon that night.

He didn't feel ready yet.

But suddenly Spike heared a noise from behind him. With a sigh he turned around and saw two demons with horns, long teeth and strong bodies. They weren't taller then he was and usually he would have fought against them, probably he would have been able to kill them. But now the memories of the hell demons who had tortured him for so long were fresh in his mind and he couldn't even think of fighting against those monsters.

He remembered the terrible pain, the fear, the torture.

All he wanted was run but for a few seconds he couldn't move, it was as if his body didn't belong to him anymore, it didn't do what he wanted, and when he was finally able to take control over himself again it was already too late.

One of the demons grasped his arm and the vampire froze again.

In his mind he saw what he would have done before he had been in hell, the demon would have wished never to have met him, but now it was impossible to do anything.

The vampire felt so helpless.

He couldn't move, couldn't fight back or at least try to flee. All he could do was wait for the pain to come.

TBC