Part 3 - To Discover The Truth
Chapter 1 - New Ground
"Sorry for what?" Jack asked his second in command. Sam struggled. She didn't know what to say. No, she knew what to say, that wasn't the problem. The problem was how to say it. She wasn't sure she should even say it at all.
"Sorry for - " Sam stopped. She couldn't do it. Tears instantly welled under her eyes and started to trail down her cheeks. She sniffed and took a deep breath, trying to stop this sudden overload of emotion. Nothing worked; it was just so intense. Nothing made any difference. She was totally absorbed in her emotion, and even though she tried, she had no power to stop it getting the better of her. "Carter?" O'Neill queried, concern evident by his tone.
Sam bit her top lip, looking down at her feet. Slowly she approached her CO, only looking up to meet his eyes when she was a few feet away from him. She struggled to find words. She wanted to say so much that she didn't know where to start.
"I don't know. I'm just.I'm so sorry, Colonel," Sam finally managed to form words. She looked down and squeezed her eyes shut, trying to force the tears away, but it only made them worse. Made them begin to stream down her cheeks. "I'm sorry, oh I'm so sorry," Sam repeated, her emotions completely taking over.
"What for?" Jack begged, utterly confused. He watched his second in command slowly raise her head to look at him. Her eyes were red, her face wet from the tears she was still crying. Jack wanted to tell her not to cry. That whatever she was sorry for was ok. That she didn't need to cry, or be sorry, or upset. He wanted to hug her, just hold her to make it ok. The thoughts alone felt wrong to him. He didn't really know why he was even feeling that way all of a sudden. Because Carter was so upset. That was why. He just didn't understand why she was crying, what she was so upset about.
"I left, Sir," Sam answered, noticing her Colonel's eyes focussed on her, and only her. Concern deeply etched into his handsome face, his eyes not looking anywhere else but straight at her. Sam wanted to just fall into his arms. To have him hold her and tell her it was ok. There was nothing to be upset about. Everything was fine. He was ok, she was ok, everything was ok. She wanted to be close to him, to feel his warmth, his body, just him. She didn't know why she felt this way all of a sudden. Because she was so emotional. That was why. She was so upset. She just had no control over her emotions, suddenly. She wished she could pull back all these emotions. They were controlling her. She wasn't used to her emotions having the power. She'd always been in direct control of her feelings, why now did they suddenly run away from her and let her get this way? Get to be this emotion wreck, suddenly, and in front of her CO.
"Left where?"
"Left you. I just - I left. I shouldn't have gone, Colonel. I should have stayed with you, so you didn't have to go through all of that alone. I - I feel so cowardly for not being there. For just going."
"I ordered you to go, Carter. It's not your fault."
"I shouldn't have. I should have stayed anyway. You could have Court Martialled me as many times as you liked, now. I still shouldn't have gone."
"You did what any soldier would have done, Carter. You did as you were ordered. Even if you had been there, nothing you could have done would have made anything any different. It still would have happened. Only difference being, I would have been worrying about you and what was happening to you. Nothing else would have changed."
"Well, we both could have been tortured, Colonel. It's not fair that you had to go through all that on your own. I was there with you, and I just left. I know you ordered me to go, but I shouldn't have just gone like that. Four months you were there, Sir. Four months. That's - that's how long it took us to do something. Do you know how hard it was for me to sit around for Four whole months, wondering if you were still alive or not. Not knowing what was happening to you. Knowing that I'd left you there. Everyday, I prayed you'd come through the Stargate, and everyday, for four months, you didn't. You wanna know the worst part? The worst part, was knowing that I wasn't allowed to do anything about it. I wasn't allowed to go back and try to help you. No one was allowed to do anything. All we could do was sit around and hope you'd made it back alive.
I hoped, with everyday that went by, that General Hammond would change his mind. He would let us - me or someone else - go through the Gate and help you. We didn't even know if you were still alive; if we'd ever see you again. And the day you came back was the day I picked to disobey General Hammond's orders. I told Daniel and Teal'c what I was going to do, but they both thought it was a bad idea. They wouldn't help me. When I got to the Control Room, Teal'c was already there. He was waiting for me, said he followed me. We were just about to dial the Gate, when General Hammond came and found us. I was down in the Gate Room already, and then the Stargate activated. I told General Hammond it might be you. Every time there wasn't a signal from an SG team, I hoped it would be you. The General was about to order the Iris closed; I could feel it through his stare, but we waited.
We waited, and then you came. I was so happy, and at the same time, so worried because of how you looked. I wanted to cry, right there. Instead, I'm doing it now." Sam slowly looked away, wiping tears away from her eyes. I shouldn't have just said all of that, she thought. "Both of us being tortured wouldn't have made anything any better. I just would have had to watch you go through the same things as I did, and you would have had to watch me. That would have been worse. I couldn't have watched someone else go through those things. Or have them watch me. Don't talk about it being fair, Carter. Nothing in life is fair, sorry to be the one to give out life lessons. If life was fair, then none of this would have had to happen. But it did, and there's nothing anyone can do to change it, or make it better." "You sound like you wanted it to happen," Sam said sharply, angry with herself for saying it the moment she opened her mouth.
Jack was more than a little surprised by the statement. He wasn't sure what to say in response. How to even approach a response.
"Sure," he granted flatly, "I wanted to be used as a tea bag. I wanted them to laugh in my face, while they tortured me. I was tortured every day. I didn't get a choice. They pushed me so close to death that every time I woke up, I wished I hadn't. Four months, Carter. For four months, they tortured me. I never wanted to admit to anything they did to me, because it's so shameful, but you seem interested, so I'll tell you. They whipped me for so long, I felt like I had no skin left. I swallowed my own blood, and nearly choked on it, because they stabbed me with their swords so many times. They burned away what little skin I had left, for days. They tied me up and let me hang in the middle of the village for everyone to gawk at, while I nearly bled to death.
All those people walked past me, and looked, but none of them did anything because they knew they'd be tortured, and probably killed, if they did. I knew they would, but I couldn't help feeling angry that they didn't do something. I wanted to die, but I was so weak; I couldn't talk. I had no strength, so I couldn't even scream. I just wanted to die. I wanted the guards to kill me. I asked them to kill me, but they wouldn't. They wouldn't kill me, so they just pushed me so close to death each time, I felt like my body was full of fire. Every single day, they pushed me closer and closer to death. They laughed in my face while I was covered in blood, slowly dying on the ground. I wanted all that to happen, though, didn't I?"
Sam nearly choked on her own breath. She didn't mean to say it; she hadn't meant to say that to him. She just wished she hadn't left him behind. Left him there, to have all that happen to him. It wasn't fair; she hated herself for leaving. Tears, once again, began to stream down Sam's cheeks. She sniffed and began to sob loudly. She couldn't stop choked breaths leaving her throat painfully, while tears stained her face.
"I'm so sorry, Colonel," she repeated the same sentence. "I never meant for it to sound like you wanted that to happen to you. I wish I hadn't left. I wish I'd never remembered that equipment, and I wish we'd never gone to get it back. None of this would have happened. It's my fault all this happened, Sir. I don't blame you if you hate me, I'm just so sorry."
Sam unintentionally dropped her face into her hands, and leant forward, enough for her shoulder to meet her CO's chest and her to lean on him. Jack wasn't sure what to do. He hadn't meant to be so harsh, so cruel in response to what Sam had said. He just hadn't said anything like that aloud. He hadn't allowed his emotions to take over and let him say what happened to him, and be honest about it all. He felt Carter's head resting against his shoulder. Was this right? Was this something they could do? Could they be close to each other? Sam didn't care anymore. Didn't care if anything was 'the right thing to do'. She'd practiced the right thing long enough now and almost lost sight of what meant something to her. Her feelings meant something to her. While her CO had been away, she'd shut her feelings away and thrown herself into worrying about defying orders, rather than worrying solely about what was going to happen if she didn't do something. Her CO meant a lot to her, and whether it was still a friendly meaning, she wasn't sure, but it shouldn't matter. He was someone she'd been close to for some time now, and if feelings that were, "against Military regulations" had now developed; it wasn't something she could stop.
Sam let her hands do the talking, as they made their way around her CO's back and rested on his wet skin. Something about the place Sam was, made her feel comfortable, even though she was still crying and leaning against her wet Colonel. She continued to sob uncontrollably while keeping the safe feeling in her mind.
Jack felt Sam's hands, resting on his back, and somehow couldn't prevent his own hands sliding around her back, lightly holding her. Why was this so wrong? Why was everything about this so damned wrong for them to be doing? They were comforting each other and yet Jack felt as though he should feel guilty for it. He felt Sam move closer to him, her whole body pressed softly against his as she held herself to him. Held him to her. She wanted him to be close to her, and yet he couldn't help feeling as though he shouldn't be. Shouldn't be close to her. Shouldn't be close to anyone. Least of all while he was still soaking wet and wearing only a towel.
Sam looked up and saw the uncertainty in Jack's eyes. She wiped her own eyes with her wet hands, making very little difference to her already tear streaked face. Her clothes were damp from being so close to her Colonel's wet body. Why did this all seem so wrong? Sam licked her lips nervously, and found her eyes wandering again. Why should this feel wrong? Sam subconsciously asked herself the obvious. Why should I feel guilty for something I have no control over? Feelings are something everyone has, even people in the Military, and there's no way to stop them. I'm sure officers of the Military have felt wrongly about their friends or teammates before. I'm not the first, and I won't be the last. I shouldn't have to feel as though my feelings don't matter. I shouldn't have to ignore them. I shouldn't have to pretend that I don't feel something strong for my CO. I don't want to pretend that I don't feel anything.
"Colonel," Sam spoke, her voice barely louder than a whisper as she looked up to her CO's face, "I - I don't know how to approach something that shouldn't exist, and I know I might be alone in needing to approach it, but I think it's important."
Jack nodded. He couldn't think what to say, when he couldn't think at all. He didn't know what she might need to approach that was so important, but whatever it was, he didn't want to upset the apple cart. If Carter needed to say it, then he wasn't going to be the one to stop her. Sam struggled to find what she wanted to say. It was such a touchy subject, something that should really be discussed delicately, not in a locker room while one party was crying and the other was wet and wearing a towel. The scene didn't really seem right for what Sam needed to discuss with her CO.
A long, deathly silence fell over the room. The pair in it, looked away from one another, even though there were almost as close as they could possibly get. Occasionally they risked eye contact, but broke it quickly after. After a few long and silent minutes, they risked eye contact again, but held it. Sam lost herself in the deep, velvet brown eyes of her Colonel and forgot herself, allowing her feelings to take over. She snaked one hand up to grasp Jack's left shoulder from behind, and slowly raised her face to be level with his. Their faces but inches apart, Sam carefully drank in some air before gradually leaning her face in to Jack's.
"Jack, you in here?" Daniel's voice echoed through the locker room just as Jack and Sam's lips were about to touch.
They didn't bother to jump apart at the sound of their friend's voice, but Sam closed her eyes with a frown of desperation as she waited for Jackson to come into the locker room and find them. It would look far more suspicious if they were awkwardly standing apart when he entered, rather than close together, as they were now.
"Jack, it's - " Daniel swallowed his words as he came inside the locker room and saw Sam and Jack, holding each other. "Oh," was all he could find in the way of a comment, regarding the picture before him. "I - err - I was told you might be here, Jack. Kayla is looking for you, so - uhh - I just thought I'd let you know."
Another uncomfortable silence fell. Daniel stood close by the door of the locker room, while Jack and Sam hadn't moved since he arrived. It was an incredibly awkward scene; no one knew what to say. They all felt compelled to explain, or apologise in Daniel's case, but none of them found their voices.
"I'll - uhh - I'll go," Jackson finally jumbled out the words and left. Sam sighed deeply and closed her eyes tightly again, leaving them shut this time. A single tear trickled from the corner of each of her closed eyes, as if squeezed from them. How could she have thought it would work? How could I have been so stupid? She chastised herself mentally. How could I have done this to us? It will be so awkward between us now; I can feel it. God, I still haven't let him go; I'm still holding onto my Colonel as though he belongs to me.
Jack couldn't conceal a sigh as he watched Daniel leave. He looked to see Sam's reaction, as she closed her eyes and the tears slid down from them. She felt guilty; Jack could see it in her expression. It was written all over her face. He wanted to tell her, she was wrong. It wasn't her fault; she didn't need to feel bad. He hadn't stopped her. He could have if he'd wanted to, but he didn't want to and he hadn't.
"I'm sorry," Sam apologised earnestly, opening her eyes and looking at Jack. His face told her not to be sorry, but she was. "I shouldn't - I shouldn't have come in here and done this. I.I don't know what else to say. I'm just - I'm sorry."
"You don't need to be," Jack told her, her face still so close to his, he could feel her breath on his skin.
Sam's anxiety was evident by her expression, but she tried to hide it. How could she not be sorry? She felt compelled to leave, now, but somehow her heart wouldn't let her. Don't leave now; she could feel it telling her. Don't run away from this moment. You need to resolve these feelings. They're not someone else's problem, and they're not for someone else. These feelings are for this man, the one you can scarcely get any closer to at this very moment. He's right in front of you, talk to him!
"No," Carter said aloud.
"What?" O'Neill queried.
"No.I do need to be sorry," Sam quickly replied, sounding sharp but not meaning to.
"I'm as much to blame as you are, Carter," Jack admitted.
Sam slowly retracted her hands from her Colonel's body and backed away from him. "I should go now," she said hurriedly and left without delay.
"Sure," Jack sighed, finally getting the chance to dry himself and get dressed.
@
At Kayla O'Shaunessy's guest quarters, Jack knocked lightly on the door. "Come in," he heard quietly from the inside of the room, and opened the door.
Kayla was sitting on her bed, legs crossed, with papers spread all around her. Her ash blonde hair was out of its customary bun, falling loosely around her face. She was dressed casually, in a pair of tailored black pants and a pale beige, long sleeved blouse. A black jacket was resting around her shoulders. As Jack entered the room, Kayla looked up from her strewn papers and smiled, showing her dazzling white teeth. "Colonel," she acknowledged warmly, beginning to gather her papers in a messy bundle. "Come in, come in," she said, leisurely waving Jack in with one hand.
"Carter and Daniel said you were looking for me," Jack stated nonchalantly, still distracted by the locker room incident. Kayla nodded, dropping the bundle of papers into her brief case. "Yes, indeed," she agreed cheerfully, the sound of her Irish accent making the statement sound like a greeting. "Sit down, Colonel. There are a few things I'd like to discuss," she continued on a more serious note.
Noting the change in her tone, Jack nodded, and sat down on the chair Kayla offered. "Sounds serious," he said.
"No, not really," Kayla responded, shaking her head. "Basically, I wanted to talk to you. Not as a doctor, not as a psychologist, and not as a hypnotist, or anything else. I just wanted to be there to listen to anything you'd care to talk about. Is there anything you want to talk about? Remember, this is still strictly confidential. Whatever you say to me, stays with me, but now it stays with me as a person, not as a psychologist."
Jack took in Kayla's words. Everything would stay with her, as a person, not a psychologist. What did that mean? Whatever he said, she wouldn't consider when she was thinking as a psychologist? No matter what she said about his words staying with her, she was still a psychologist, and always would be. She would be listening to him as a psychologist, and she was asking him as a psychologist, with the pretense of asking as a person. A friend, in a way.
"No," Jack replied, "there's nothing I want to talk about."
"Are you sure?" Kayla pursued. "I know you probably think I'm only doing this as a charade to try and get information out of you by saying I'm asking as a friend. You think that, don't you?"
"Yes," Jack answered honestly.
"Yes, everyone does. I know everyone thinks it's the oldest trick in the book. Pretending to care and asking for someone to be honest with you, then using the information. You've probably had other doctors do that to you before, I bet. Janet would be one of the few who hasn't, though. Am I right?"
"Yeah."
"You see. Janet has used the good old 'I'm asking as a friend', speech before, and you trusted her. Janet is one of my best friends. We learnt what we know, practically side-by-side. I work in much the same way she does. When I say I am asking as a friend, or as a person rather than a doctor, I mean it." Kayla smiled and nodded in reply to Jack's unspoken doubt. "You trust me a bit more, now?"
"I guess," Jack replied warily. "But there's still nothing I want to talk about." Kayla nodded reasonably.
"Ok then," she agreed, "that's fine. You don't have to. But, please remember, if you ever feel you'd like to talk to someone, I'm always available. That offer has a lifetime guarantee. Ok?"
"Yeah, ok." Kayla watched Jack walk to the door, before she stopped him with his name.
"Jack," she said.
O'Neill stopped, without turning fully; he looked over his shoulder to see Kayla standing by his side. Her emerald green eyes seemed to gaze through him as she curved her lips to a smile. Jack felt as though Kayla could see right inside his mind.
"You're a strong man, Jack," Kayla told him, "don't let this awful thing change you." Jack took Kayla's words and left silently.
Kayla watched the Colonel leave. She wondered if he really didn't have anything to talk about. He probably had a lot of things he needed to talk about, but didn't really want to. He had said there was nothing he wanted to talk about, not that there was nothing he needed to talk about. Kayla guessed there were a lot of things he needed to talk about. It was very likely; the only reason he didn't want to talk about the things was because of how they made him feel. He probably hated remembering what had happened to him. Kayla could partially relate to that feeling, but on Jack's scale, she decided it was probably much worse.
Chapter 1 - New Ground
"Sorry for what?" Jack asked his second in command. Sam struggled. She didn't know what to say. No, she knew what to say, that wasn't the problem. The problem was how to say it. She wasn't sure she should even say it at all.
"Sorry for - " Sam stopped. She couldn't do it. Tears instantly welled under her eyes and started to trail down her cheeks. She sniffed and took a deep breath, trying to stop this sudden overload of emotion. Nothing worked; it was just so intense. Nothing made any difference. She was totally absorbed in her emotion, and even though she tried, she had no power to stop it getting the better of her. "Carter?" O'Neill queried, concern evident by his tone.
Sam bit her top lip, looking down at her feet. Slowly she approached her CO, only looking up to meet his eyes when she was a few feet away from him. She struggled to find words. She wanted to say so much that she didn't know where to start.
"I don't know. I'm just.I'm so sorry, Colonel," Sam finally managed to form words. She looked down and squeezed her eyes shut, trying to force the tears away, but it only made them worse. Made them begin to stream down her cheeks. "I'm sorry, oh I'm so sorry," Sam repeated, her emotions completely taking over.
"What for?" Jack begged, utterly confused. He watched his second in command slowly raise her head to look at him. Her eyes were red, her face wet from the tears she was still crying. Jack wanted to tell her not to cry. That whatever she was sorry for was ok. That she didn't need to cry, or be sorry, or upset. He wanted to hug her, just hold her to make it ok. The thoughts alone felt wrong to him. He didn't really know why he was even feeling that way all of a sudden. Because Carter was so upset. That was why. He just didn't understand why she was crying, what she was so upset about.
"I left, Sir," Sam answered, noticing her Colonel's eyes focussed on her, and only her. Concern deeply etched into his handsome face, his eyes not looking anywhere else but straight at her. Sam wanted to just fall into his arms. To have him hold her and tell her it was ok. There was nothing to be upset about. Everything was fine. He was ok, she was ok, everything was ok. She wanted to be close to him, to feel his warmth, his body, just him. She didn't know why she felt this way all of a sudden. Because she was so emotional. That was why. She was so upset. She just had no control over her emotions, suddenly. She wished she could pull back all these emotions. They were controlling her. She wasn't used to her emotions having the power. She'd always been in direct control of her feelings, why now did they suddenly run away from her and let her get this way? Get to be this emotion wreck, suddenly, and in front of her CO.
"Left where?"
"Left you. I just - I left. I shouldn't have gone, Colonel. I should have stayed with you, so you didn't have to go through all of that alone. I - I feel so cowardly for not being there. For just going."
"I ordered you to go, Carter. It's not your fault."
"I shouldn't have. I should have stayed anyway. You could have Court Martialled me as many times as you liked, now. I still shouldn't have gone."
"You did what any soldier would have done, Carter. You did as you were ordered. Even if you had been there, nothing you could have done would have made anything any different. It still would have happened. Only difference being, I would have been worrying about you and what was happening to you. Nothing else would have changed."
"Well, we both could have been tortured, Colonel. It's not fair that you had to go through all that on your own. I was there with you, and I just left. I know you ordered me to go, but I shouldn't have just gone like that. Four months you were there, Sir. Four months. That's - that's how long it took us to do something. Do you know how hard it was for me to sit around for Four whole months, wondering if you were still alive or not. Not knowing what was happening to you. Knowing that I'd left you there. Everyday, I prayed you'd come through the Stargate, and everyday, for four months, you didn't. You wanna know the worst part? The worst part, was knowing that I wasn't allowed to do anything about it. I wasn't allowed to go back and try to help you. No one was allowed to do anything. All we could do was sit around and hope you'd made it back alive.
I hoped, with everyday that went by, that General Hammond would change his mind. He would let us - me or someone else - go through the Gate and help you. We didn't even know if you were still alive; if we'd ever see you again. And the day you came back was the day I picked to disobey General Hammond's orders. I told Daniel and Teal'c what I was going to do, but they both thought it was a bad idea. They wouldn't help me. When I got to the Control Room, Teal'c was already there. He was waiting for me, said he followed me. We were just about to dial the Gate, when General Hammond came and found us. I was down in the Gate Room already, and then the Stargate activated. I told General Hammond it might be you. Every time there wasn't a signal from an SG team, I hoped it would be you. The General was about to order the Iris closed; I could feel it through his stare, but we waited.
We waited, and then you came. I was so happy, and at the same time, so worried because of how you looked. I wanted to cry, right there. Instead, I'm doing it now." Sam slowly looked away, wiping tears away from her eyes. I shouldn't have just said all of that, she thought. "Both of us being tortured wouldn't have made anything any better. I just would have had to watch you go through the same things as I did, and you would have had to watch me. That would have been worse. I couldn't have watched someone else go through those things. Or have them watch me. Don't talk about it being fair, Carter. Nothing in life is fair, sorry to be the one to give out life lessons. If life was fair, then none of this would have had to happen. But it did, and there's nothing anyone can do to change it, or make it better." "You sound like you wanted it to happen," Sam said sharply, angry with herself for saying it the moment she opened her mouth.
Jack was more than a little surprised by the statement. He wasn't sure what to say in response. How to even approach a response.
"Sure," he granted flatly, "I wanted to be used as a tea bag. I wanted them to laugh in my face, while they tortured me. I was tortured every day. I didn't get a choice. They pushed me so close to death that every time I woke up, I wished I hadn't. Four months, Carter. For four months, they tortured me. I never wanted to admit to anything they did to me, because it's so shameful, but you seem interested, so I'll tell you. They whipped me for so long, I felt like I had no skin left. I swallowed my own blood, and nearly choked on it, because they stabbed me with their swords so many times. They burned away what little skin I had left, for days. They tied me up and let me hang in the middle of the village for everyone to gawk at, while I nearly bled to death.
All those people walked past me, and looked, but none of them did anything because they knew they'd be tortured, and probably killed, if they did. I knew they would, but I couldn't help feeling angry that they didn't do something. I wanted to die, but I was so weak; I couldn't talk. I had no strength, so I couldn't even scream. I just wanted to die. I wanted the guards to kill me. I asked them to kill me, but they wouldn't. They wouldn't kill me, so they just pushed me so close to death each time, I felt like my body was full of fire. Every single day, they pushed me closer and closer to death. They laughed in my face while I was covered in blood, slowly dying on the ground. I wanted all that to happen, though, didn't I?"
Sam nearly choked on her own breath. She didn't mean to say it; she hadn't meant to say that to him. She just wished she hadn't left him behind. Left him there, to have all that happen to him. It wasn't fair; she hated herself for leaving. Tears, once again, began to stream down Sam's cheeks. She sniffed and began to sob loudly. She couldn't stop choked breaths leaving her throat painfully, while tears stained her face.
"I'm so sorry, Colonel," she repeated the same sentence. "I never meant for it to sound like you wanted that to happen to you. I wish I hadn't left. I wish I'd never remembered that equipment, and I wish we'd never gone to get it back. None of this would have happened. It's my fault all this happened, Sir. I don't blame you if you hate me, I'm just so sorry."
Sam unintentionally dropped her face into her hands, and leant forward, enough for her shoulder to meet her CO's chest and her to lean on him. Jack wasn't sure what to do. He hadn't meant to be so harsh, so cruel in response to what Sam had said. He just hadn't said anything like that aloud. He hadn't allowed his emotions to take over and let him say what happened to him, and be honest about it all. He felt Carter's head resting against his shoulder. Was this right? Was this something they could do? Could they be close to each other? Sam didn't care anymore. Didn't care if anything was 'the right thing to do'. She'd practiced the right thing long enough now and almost lost sight of what meant something to her. Her feelings meant something to her. While her CO had been away, she'd shut her feelings away and thrown herself into worrying about defying orders, rather than worrying solely about what was going to happen if she didn't do something. Her CO meant a lot to her, and whether it was still a friendly meaning, she wasn't sure, but it shouldn't matter. He was someone she'd been close to for some time now, and if feelings that were, "against Military regulations" had now developed; it wasn't something she could stop.
Sam let her hands do the talking, as they made their way around her CO's back and rested on his wet skin. Something about the place Sam was, made her feel comfortable, even though she was still crying and leaning against her wet Colonel. She continued to sob uncontrollably while keeping the safe feeling in her mind.
Jack felt Sam's hands, resting on his back, and somehow couldn't prevent his own hands sliding around her back, lightly holding her. Why was this so wrong? Why was everything about this so damned wrong for them to be doing? They were comforting each other and yet Jack felt as though he should feel guilty for it. He felt Sam move closer to him, her whole body pressed softly against his as she held herself to him. Held him to her. She wanted him to be close to her, and yet he couldn't help feeling as though he shouldn't be. Shouldn't be close to her. Shouldn't be close to anyone. Least of all while he was still soaking wet and wearing only a towel.
Sam looked up and saw the uncertainty in Jack's eyes. She wiped her own eyes with her wet hands, making very little difference to her already tear streaked face. Her clothes were damp from being so close to her Colonel's wet body. Why did this all seem so wrong? Sam licked her lips nervously, and found her eyes wandering again. Why should this feel wrong? Sam subconsciously asked herself the obvious. Why should I feel guilty for something I have no control over? Feelings are something everyone has, even people in the Military, and there's no way to stop them. I'm sure officers of the Military have felt wrongly about their friends or teammates before. I'm not the first, and I won't be the last. I shouldn't have to feel as though my feelings don't matter. I shouldn't have to ignore them. I shouldn't have to pretend that I don't feel something strong for my CO. I don't want to pretend that I don't feel anything.
"Colonel," Sam spoke, her voice barely louder than a whisper as she looked up to her CO's face, "I - I don't know how to approach something that shouldn't exist, and I know I might be alone in needing to approach it, but I think it's important."
Jack nodded. He couldn't think what to say, when he couldn't think at all. He didn't know what she might need to approach that was so important, but whatever it was, he didn't want to upset the apple cart. If Carter needed to say it, then he wasn't going to be the one to stop her. Sam struggled to find what she wanted to say. It was such a touchy subject, something that should really be discussed delicately, not in a locker room while one party was crying and the other was wet and wearing a towel. The scene didn't really seem right for what Sam needed to discuss with her CO.
A long, deathly silence fell over the room. The pair in it, looked away from one another, even though there were almost as close as they could possibly get. Occasionally they risked eye contact, but broke it quickly after. After a few long and silent minutes, they risked eye contact again, but held it. Sam lost herself in the deep, velvet brown eyes of her Colonel and forgot herself, allowing her feelings to take over. She snaked one hand up to grasp Jack's left shoulder from behind, and slowly raised her face to be level with his. Their faces but inches apart, Sam carefully drank in some air before gradually leaning her face in to Jack's.
"Jack, you in here?" Daniel's voice echoed through the locker room just as Jack and Sam's lips were about to touch.
They didn't bother to jump apart at the sound of their friend's voice, but Sam closed her eyes with a frown of desperation as she waited for Jackson to come into the locker room and find them. It would look far more suspicious if they were awkwardly standing apart when he entered, rather than close together, as they were now.
"Jack, it's - " Daniel swallowed his words as he came inside the locker room and saw Sam and Jack, holding each other. "Oh," was all he could find in the way of a comment, regarding the picture before him. "I - err - I was told you might be here, Jack. Kayla is looking for you, so - uhh - I just thought I'd let you know."
Another uncomfortable silence fell. Daniel stood close by the door of the locker room, while Jack and Sam hadn't moved since he arrived. It was an incredibly awkward scene; no one knew what to say. They all felt compelled to explain, or apologise in Daniel's case, but none of them found their voices.
"I'll - uhh - I'll go," Jackson finally jumbled out the words and left. Sam sighed deeply and closed her eyes tightly again, leaving them shut this time. A single tear trickled from the corner of each of her closed eyes, as if squeezed from them. How could she have thought it would work? How could I have been so stupid? She chastised herself mentally. How could I have done this to us? It will be so awkward between us now; I can feel it. God, I still haven't let him go; I'm still holding onto my Colonel as though he belongs to me.
Jack couldn't conceal a sigh as he watched Daniel leave. He looked to see Sam's reaction, as she closed her eyes and the tears slid down from them. She felt guilty; Jack could see it in her expression. It was written all over her face. He wanted to tell her, she was wrong. It wasn't her fault; she didn't need to feel bad. He hadn't stopped her. He could have if he'd wanted to, but he didn't want to and he hadn't.
"I'm sorry," Sam apologised earnestly, opening her eyes and looking at Jack. His face told her not to be sorry, but she was. "I shouldn't - I shouldn't have come in here and done this. I.I don't know what else to say. I'm just - I'm sorry."
"You don't need to be," Jack told her, her face still so close to his, he could feel her breath on his skin.
Sam's anxiety was evident by her expression, but she tried to hide it. How could she not be sorry? She felt compelled to leave, now, but somehow her heart wouldn't let her. Don't leave now; she could feel it telling her. Don't run away from this moment. You need to resolve these feelings. They're not someone else's problem, and they're not for someone else. These feelings are for this man, the one you can scarcely get any closer to at this very moment. He's right in front of you, talk to him!
"No," Carter said aloud.
"What?" O'Neill queried.
"No.I do need to be sorry," Sam quickly replied, sounding sharp but not meaning to.
"I'm as much to blame as you are, Carter," Jack admitted.
Sam slowly retracted her hands from her Colonel's body and backed away from him. "I should go now," she said hurriedly and left without delay.
"Sure," Jack sighed, finally getting the chance to dry himself and get dressed.
@
At Kayla O'Shaunessy's guest quarters, Jack knocked lightly on the door. "Come in," he heard quietly from the inside of the room, and opened the door.
Kayla was sitting on her bed, legs crossed, with papers spread all around her. Her ash blonde hair was out of its customary bun, falling loosely around her face. She was dressed casually, in a pair of tailored black pants and a pale beige, long sleeved blouse. A black jacket was resting around her shoulders. As Jack entered the room, Kayla looked up from her strewn papers and smiled, showing her dazzling white teeth. "Colonel," she acknowledged warmly, beginning to gather her papers in a messy bundle. "Come in, come in," she said, leisurely waving Jack in with one hand.
"Carter and Daniel said you were looking for me," Jack stated nonchalantly, still distracted by the locker room incident. Kayla nodded, dropping the bundle of papers into her brief case. "Yes, indeed," she agreed cheerfully, the sound of her Irish accent making the statement sound like a greeting. "Sit down, Colonel. There are a few things I'd like to discuss," she continued on a more serious note.
Noting the change in her tone, Jack nodded, and sat down on the chair Kayla offered. "Sounds serious," he said.
"No, not really," Kayla responded, shaking her head. "Basically, I wanted to talk to you. Not as a doctor, not as a psychologist, and not as a hypnotist, or anything else. I just wanted to be there to listen to anything you'd care to talk about. Is there anything you want to talk about? Remember, this is still strictly confidential. Whatever you say to me, stays with me, but now it stays with me as a person, not as a psychologist."
Jack took in Kayla's words. Everything would stay with her, as a person, not a psychologist. What did that mean? Whatever he said, she wouldn't consider when she was thinking as a psychologist? No matter what she said about his words staying with her, she was still a psychologist, and always would be. She would be listening to him as a psychologist, and she was asking him as a psychologist, with the pretense of asking as a person. A friend, in a way.
"No," Jack replied, "there's nothing I want to talk about."
"Are you sure?" Kayla pursued. "I know you probably think I'm only doing this as a charade to try and get information out of you by saying I'm asking as a friend. You think that, don't you?"
"Yes," Jack answered honestly.
"Yes, everyone does. I know everyone thinks it's the oldest trick in the book. Pretending to care and asking for someone to be honest with you, then using the information. You've probably had other doctors do that to you before, I bet. Janet would be one of the few who hasn't, though. Am I right?"
"Yeah."
"You see. Janet has used the good old 'I'm asking as a friend', speech before, and you trusted her. Janet is one of my best friends. We learnt what we know, practically side-by-side. I work in much the same way she does. When I say I am asking as a friend, or as a person rather than a doctor, I mean it." Kayla smiled and nodded in reply to Jack's unspoken doubt. "You trust me a bit more, now?"
"I guess," Jack replied warily. "But there's still nothing I want to talk about." Kayla nodded reasonably.
"Ok then," she agreed, "that's fine. You don't have to. But, please remember, if you ever feel you'd like to talk to someone, I'm always available. That offer has a lifetime guarantee. Ok?"
"Yeah, ok." Kayla watched Jack walk to the door, before she stopped him with his name.
"Jack," she said.
O'Neill stopped, without turning fully; he looked over his shoulder to see Kayla standing by his side. Her emerald green eyes seemed to gaze through him as she curved her lips to a smile. Jack felt as though Kayla could see right inside his mind.
"You're a strong man, Jack," Kayla told him, "don't let this awful thing change you." Jack took Kayla's words and left silently.
Kayla watched the Colonel leave. She wondered if he really didn't have anything to talk about. He probably had a lot of things he needed to talk about, but didn't really want to. He had said there was nothing he wanted to talk about, not that there was nothing he needed to talk about. Kayla guessed there were a lot of things he needed to talk about. It was very likely; the only reason he didn't want to talk about the things was because of how they made him feel. He probably hated remembering what had happened to him. Kayla could partially relate to that feeling, but on Jack's scale, she decided it was probably much worse.
