Part 5 - Solitudes

Jack didn't know where he was going or why, but he found himself outside Kayla's door and knocked. What am I doing? He thought. Why am I here?

"Just a minute," Kayla called from inside the room.

Jack frowned. Why had he no control over anything lately? Everything he did, everything he said; he just didn't seem to have control of anything lately. After a moment, Kayla opened the door to her quarters and saw Jack.

"Colonel O'Neill," she stated, a little surprised. "What can I do for you?"

Jack shook his head and shrugged. "I don't know," he answered truthfully, for he had no idea why he was even there.

Kayla frowned slightly, and then fully opened her door. "Would you like to come in?"

Although uncertain, Jack nodded. Kayla smiled and let him enter, then she followed after closing the door. "Sit down, Colonel," she offered as she pulled out a chair for herself to sit on.

Jack copied the action and sat down. He felt uncomfortable; he still didn't understand why he was here. Why had he let himself come here? Why couldn't he control his own actions lately? What was wrong with him?

"What's on your mind, Colonel?" Kayla asked straight out. "What's troubling you?"

"Nothing, something, everything," Jack replied. "I don't know."

"It's written on your face. Something is definitely on your mind. Now, you must know what that is."

Jack nodded inside himself and allowed the silence to reign. He knew Kayla was right. There was something bothering him, and it must be written on his face because he could feel it all through his body. It was plaguing him again. Would this thing ever go away? Would he ever be able to move on from this thing? "She shouldn't have died," Jack murmured. "She shouldn't have had to suffer the way she did."

Kayla couldn't hide a sad frown. She felt amazingly sad in knowing a young girl had had to suffer and die. She also felt the same sadness in knowing that Jack blamed himself so completely for the young girls' death. He blamed himself, and felt guilty for the fact he hadn't done anything to help her.

"There was nothing you could have done," Kayla reminded him. "You had suffered endless hours of torture before and after her. They kept you alive so they could continue. They could have killed you, but they chose to keep you alive to keep bringing you closer to death without letting you die. They - "

"I know what they did," Jack cut off Kayla softly. He knew all too well precisely what they had done to him. The memories of that torture would never leave his mind for as long as he lived. He would always remember what they did to him.

"There had to have been something I could have done. I should have done something to help her. She shouldn't have died. She didn't need to die."

"You have to understand and believe the truth, Colonel," Kayla said gently, unwilling to make him angry by sounding condescending. "There was nothing you could do to help her. It was not your fault that she died."

Jack stood up swiftly, the chair toppling behind him and onto the floor. "I can't believe that," he said. "I should have done something! She should not have died. God, why won't this leave me alone?! I should have done something, anything!"

"Jack," Kayla said calmly, also standing up, "you have to stop blaming yourself for this. You really do need to believe that there was nothing you could have done - because that's the truth. If you could have done anything to save that girl, you would have. Deep down, you must know that."

His teeth clenched and eyes fixed on the floor, Jack was silent for a moment. "I can't believe that," he said finally and left. Kayla sighed but didn't follow him.

Sooner or later, he'll either crack or realise the truth. One or the other. Let's hope it's the latter.

@

Still carrying the piece of paper she'd found in Colonel O'Neill's quarters in her pocket, Sam headed to Kayla's quarters. As she arrived, she saw the psychologist standing in the open doorway, anxiety in her eyes.

"Kayla?" Sam said in concern.

"Sam," Kayla responded. "What can I do for you?"

"What's wrong?"

"I just had a chat with your Colonel, and he's not doing so well."

"I just came to see you because I found this in his quarters. Please don't ask me why I was there."

Kayla frowned in confusion, took the paper from Sam's outstretched hand and began to read. The words scrawled onto the paper didn't surprise her. She'd just heard similar ones coming directly from the horse's mouth, so to speak. Now the question was, where had he gone, and would he be ok alone?

"Do you have any idea where he might have gone?" Kayla asked. "He left here, and he wasn't in the best frame of mind. I don't think it's wise for him to be alone right now."

Sam thought a moment and then remembered a conversation she and Colonel O'Neill had had a few weeks before going back to P4C 237. "I might know," she muttered, almost to herself and left for the elevator.

//'I'll always remember
It was late afternoon
It lasted forever

And ended so soon'//

Once at the surface, I looked for my Colonel. He'd told me that when he wanted to be alone to think on base, he often went to the surface. There was a certain spot, a fallen log, where he liked to sit and think. I thought I'd find him there, and I did.

//'You were all by yourself

Staring up at a dark gray sky
I was changed'//

It was one of the darkest afternoons I'd seen in a long time. The sky was dark and gray, almost scary looking. Colonel O'Neill was sitting on the fallen log he'd spoken of, looking up at the eerily dark sky. It felt as though it would rain any moment. The clouds were almost black.

"Colonel," I said as I approached him.

He turned to me and he looked so sad. Sadness was veiled over him like a blanket over a fire. "I told you, didn't I?" he said.

"You said you liked to come here when you wanted to be alone to think," I replied, knowing what he'd meant.

He nodded. I guess he thought I would've forgotten. "Didn't think you'd remember that," he murmured as I sat down beside him. I nodded. "I thought you'd think that. Kayla said you weren't in a very good frame of mind - that you shouldn't be alone. Do you mind if I keep you company?"

"Not very good company right now, Carter."

"I don't mind, Sir," I said. "I'll just sit here."

For a while, we stayed like that. We both just sat in silence, watching the sky. Impossible as it seemed, it seemed to get darker as the time went by. I didn't even know how long I'd been there, when Colonel O'Neill started talking. I hadn't even asked him anything. I think he needed someone to listen. He didn't need me to talk, or comment, or give reassurance that he'd done the right thing; he just needed me to listen.

So, that's what I did.

"I just sat there and watched her die," he said, the same sadness in his voice. "She died for days, right in front of me and I didn't do anything to stop it happening. She screamed and screamed and begged for help and I just laid there! God, I didn't do anything! Her blood was everywhere and I kept wondering if more of it was hers than mine. I wondered when they were going to start on me again. When I was going to be in her place again. When they were going to start killing me again. They made me stay awake to watch her suffer and die a slow, painful death. They made her suffer and they made me watch. I just watched! I watched her die! I just sat there and watched her die!"

//'In places no one will find
All your feelings so deep inside
It was then that I realised
That forever was in your eyes
The moment I saw you cry'//

As his hands shook, the Colonel raised his hands to his face. I felt water dripping onto my hands and face, and realised that it was raining. I looked up the gray sky and allowed the water droplets to gradually soak my hair, 'til it was dripping. I didn't know what to do to help my CO. I wanted to do whatever I could, but I just didn't know what would help.

//'I wanted to hold you
I wanted to make it go away

I wanted to know you

I wanted to make your everything, all right...'//

"Colonel," I said the only thing that came to my mind. He let his hands slide away from his face and turned to me. There were tears in his eyes, and although it was raining, I knew he was crying. I knew, yet I had no idea what I could do to help. I'd never seen my CO this emotional before, and it hit me. It was one of the most powerful and moving moments of my life - to see this man cry.

His eyes went on forever, their depth. The emotion in his face drew a string on my heart. I felt like I was going to cry as well. Tears began to well in my eyes as we looked at each other and the rain continued to soak us.

Tears and rain streaked Colonel O'Neill's face and all I could think to do was hold him. I leant forward and put my arms around him. I held him close to me as though I could make all his pain go away just by being there. I wished I could, but I knew I couldn't. I couldn't help frowning as I held onto my Colonel and I slowly began to cry. Joining the rain, tears ran down my face and dripped onto my CO's already wet clothing. I pushed him back to look at his face. "I want to help you so badly, Colonel," I told him softly, my voice quivering from the cold. "Will you let me help?"

We both trembled from the cold and wet. We stared at each other for a long moment. I could tell he didn't know what to say to me. He didn't know how to answer, but it didn't matter to me anymore. I wanted to help, and whether he thought I could or not, I was going to try. "Even if I can't, I'm still going to try," I said.

The Colonel nodded. We both looked up.

"We're getting wet," I tried to laugh but I couldn't. I wiped my eyes then let my right hand rest on my CO's face. He let his eyes fall to my face and I felt lost in them already. They were such endless eyes. So full of meaning and feeling. I wanted to dive into them.

//'I'll always remember
It was late afternoon
It lasted forever
And ended so soon

In places no one will find
All your feelings so deep inside
It was then that I realised
That forever was in your eyes
The moment I saw you cry'//

I realised that my lips were trembling. My clothes were clinging to me like the sea to the shore. I felt like they were glued to my skin. I felt weak, and my clothes felt heavy on me. Like weights hanging on my arms and legs. Time seemed to be dripping by, along with the rain. As I looked into my Colonel's eyes, I felt drawn to him. After a moment, without thinking, I slid forward and pressed my lips against his. I moved myself closer to him and put my hands on his face. I felt as though I needed to be close to him. As close as possible. It didn't matter that it was pouring with rain and that we were soaking wet, I just had to be near him. I wanted so badly to help, and somehow I thought this was one way to try.

I don't know if it was wise or not, or if it was the right thing to do, but I kept kissing my CO. I couldn't stop. I'd never felt the strange sensation before. It seemed to consume me and force me to keep kissing him. I couldn't pull away, but not just because of that feeling.

I didn't want to stop.

I realised it was wrong after a few minutes, and I stopped. I moved back and looked at his face in full. He didn't look angry or hurt. He hadn't stopped me. What had I done? What was I doing? What was clouding my judgment?

"I'm sorry," I said, frowning and moving my hands away from my Colonel's face. My body was shaking, and I felt like I was swimming in the rain. I was so cold. I wasn't sure what I'd just done, but I regretted it already. Colonel O'Neill still hadn't said anything.

"I.I don't know what I'm doing," I tried to explain, but realised I couldn't because I didn't know what was happening to me. I had these amazingly strong feelings for a man I should never have begun to see the way I saw him now. I didn't even know how I'd let myself see him this way. I don't remember when I began to see him the way I do now, but it had happened. It had happened, and now I couldn't do anything about my feelings.

But even though I can't change my feelings, I should be able to control my actions. I should know when to stop - when I've gone too far. Clearly, I didn't know when I'd gone too far, because I just had. I'd just crossed the line between acceptable and not acceptable and now, I didn't know what to do.

"I - I'm sorry," I said again. I didn't know what else to say. Somewhere in my mind, I was wondering why we were still sitting outside in the rain, and yet at the same time, I was wondering why I was even here in the first place. Somewhere else in my mind, I was worried about what Colonel O'Neill was going to say about what I'd just done, and I was wondering what was going to happen now I'd done it. There were so many thoughts in my head, I couldn't see one long enough to distinguish it from any of the others. I was so cold and so wet, I wanted to get out of the rain. I felt as though I was getting sick already, but I didn't know how to say that I wanted to go inside. I didn't know how to get up and go, without Colonel O'Neill and I parting and not discussing what had happened out here. We needed to discuss it, but that was just as difficult to talk about.

"I think we should go inside, Colonel," I said after nearly ten minutes of us sitting in silence. I got up but noticed that my CO didn't follow. "Colonel?" I asked, feeling the need for us both to go inside before we got sick from being so cold and wet for so long. "Sir, we're going to get really sick if we don't go inside."

He didn't even look up at me. He was somewhere else; I could see it in his eyes. He wasn't there with me, outside in the rain. He was shaking from the cold, but he had no recognition of the temperature in his eyes. He was somewhere else entirely. Away from his troubled mind. I wished I knew where he was in that moment. I wished I could be there too, to make it all better, somehow. But I knew I couldn't be there with him. I knew he needed this time alone, to think. The only reason I needed to interrupt his thoughts was because I knew I couldn't let him stay out here in the rain. He needed the time alone to think, and that was understandable, but not here. Not while the weather was like this and looked as though it was going to stay this way. It didn't look like it was going to stop raining any time soon. In fact, it looked as though it may turn to sleet.

"Colonel, the weather is only going to get worse. Please come back inside," I begged. It was the only thing I could think to do to get him to listen to me.

"I was hung outside like laundry for weeks in worse weather than this, when I was barely conscious, Carter," he said tonelessly, never looking away from the sky. I frowned, not knowing what else to say. I knew his memories must be plaguing his mind. I just wished I knew what I could do to be of some help - even if only a little. I didn't know what I could say or do. I just nodded and left. I wasn't going to stand there and tell my CO what to do - I had no right to do that. So, I left. I felt bad for going, but I was also beginning to feel sick, and couldn't afford any unnecessary illness.

@

Sam entered the Infirmary and saw Dr. Fraiser tending to a patient. The doctor smiled at the injured man and then looked Sam's way. Instantly, Janet went over to her friend.

"Sam, what happened?" she asked concernedly. "Where've you been?"

"I was on the surface," Sam replied, still shivering from the intense cold. "I went to talk to Colonel O'Neill and it started raining."

"You're soaked," Janet stated the obvious. "I'll get you a towel, sit down." Sam nodded and watched her friend leave to find a towel. A towel wouldn't help the ice-cold feeling running through her veins. It almost penetrated her bones and made them brittle. It felt as though ice cubes were sliding down into her stomach. "Here," Dr. Fraiser said as she returned to Sam, sitting on an Infirmary bed.

Carter wrapped the towel around herself and continued shivering - the towel was cold comfort when she still couldn't get her CO out of her mind. He was still on the surface, and she'd left him there.

"Sam? Penny for your thoughts?" Fraiser said as she noticed her friend's distant stare.

Sam blinked fervently then turned to the Doctor. "You'd need a bit more than that," she replied, forcing a small smile to her face. "I think I'll go take a shower."

"Don't think you can do that, Sam," Fraiser responded, gaining a puzzled glance from Carter. "Men's locker room now. Just missed out."

"Oh. Ok, well.I'll just go then," Sam muttered.

"Most teams are offworld at the moment. You could probably get away with a quick scrub," Janet added.

Sam nodded, more to herself than anyone else. She knew it was obvious, just by her expression, that there was something on her mind. Janet was smart - it wouldn't take much to give it away to her. She knew Sam well anyway. Even if she hid it well, Fraiser would still pick up on something amiss. Finally, Sam allowed herself to speak about what had happened on the surface between her and her CO. She knew Janet still wanted to know. Fraiser listened intently as Carter went over everything. It was all very intriguing, but the doctor had suspected something would happen between them sooner or later. It was no surprise for her to learn that one of them had finally given in and allowed their true feelings to show - even if it was only briefly.

"He's still up there, sitting in the rain, Janet," Sam said worriedly. "I tried to get him to come back with me, but he said he'd lived out in weather worse than that before. Been made to live out in conditions like that. When he said it, it made me realise that I still don't know anything. I don't know anything about what he went through. I so badly want to know, so I can help somehow, but I don't know. I don't know if he'll ever share everything he feels with anyone."

"I think you're right about that," Janet agreed. "I think Colonel O'Neill's past - his memories - are going to stay with him for a very long time. If not forever. He's one of those people that deals with things on their own. He doesn't want anyone else to feel sorry for him because of everything he went through or burden them. Doesn't want people thinking about what he's been through every time they see him. Wondering if he's ok. I can understand how he would feel that way - he's a strong man - but I can't begin to understand how he does it. I wouldn't be able to keep all that inside me the way he does. It would send me insane."

Sam nodded again. She agreed. She didn't know how someone could keep all of their feelings to themselves and not go insane. She knew if she tried, she would hate it. Granted, she kept certain things to herself, but not everything. Experiences like the one Colonel O'Neill experienced on P4C 237, Sam knew she could never keep to herself. Keeping that to herself would make her lose it for sure. That's why she so badly wanted - needed - to help her CO. She had to find a way to help him. She had to.

"He's going to get really sick if he stays on the surface for much longer," Sam said. "I think I should go back and try to make him come inside."

"No need, Carter," Jack said as he walked into the Infirmary - dripping wet.

"Colonel," Sam sighed as she got up. "Are you ok, Sir? I was just.of course you're ok. I'm sorry."

"It's all right. I'm fine."

Janet silently eyed the behavior between Colonel and Major, then went to get another towel. "Here, Colonel. You're dripping all over my Infirmary," the doctor smiled as she handed the towel to O'Neill and indicated to the floor with a nod of her head.

"Sorry, Doc," Jack said, taking the towel and holding it as though it were a gift. "I guess I'll go. Thanks again, Janet," Sam said awkwardly as the trio stood in silence.

Jack watched his second in command leave, and then handed the towel back to Dr. Fraiser. "Thanks Doc," he said as he also left.

Janet raised her eyebrows and shrugged. "So much for the towel idea."