Chapter Four – You Could Have Killed Him
(All characters are © Katsuhiro Otomo, except Suki. Please r+r!)
The night was hot, the sky rolling with thick, city-glowing clouds. Kai lay half-wrapped in a single sheet, dreams racing behind his eyelids.
Afterwards, he remembered it as more like two dreams going on at once. One dream was a pretty normal one (as far as dreams ever were normal.) He was riding along a blazing orange road, trying to race Suki to school. She was on Yamagata's bike, giggling like crazy, waving at him and sticking out her tongue, and wearing his T-shirt, her breasts distorting the rising sun symbol.
The other dream…well, it was like he was listening in on a conversation. A conversation that meant nothing to him. At first it was faint, like listening to sounds under water, but then it got clearer, as if his brain was tuning into the right mental radio station.
"The Colonel'll be mad if he catches us…"
"We've got a good reason…"
Suki put a finger up at him, and turned the corner. He tried to ride faster, catch up with her – but of course, he hadn't got his bike, had he? He was running, and he was falling behind, and his feet were sending up great clouds of dust which made it too hard to see.
"The others didn't listen. If we can only get this boy to, then…maybe we can stop it…"
Odd, childlike voices…but so serious. Too serious for children.
He reached the corner, ran towards Suki. She was still giggling, painting oily streaks over her face, putting it on her lips and eyes like it was makeup.
"Why will he listen?…He doesn't know anything about it…"
"Yes, but if he doesn't listen, his friend'll die…"
"They're more than friends, you know that. We saw them kissing."
Kai jumped. Who'd seen them? They had to keep it a secret, didn't they?
"Who are you?" he called. "When did you see me?"
He was standing in one of the classrooms now, at the highest row of chairs, and it was all so far below him, and all so empty. Where was everyone? He'd come in on the wrong day. The wind howled through the vacant classrooms, rattling the windows, and over them the voices still spoke.
"You've got to do something." They were talking to him now, he could feel it.
"About what?"
The school walls started to crumble. Light was tearing through them, curved light like the surface of a bubble, whisking away plaster and skirting board and desks, and it hummed towards him, and he started to run.
There were at least two voices there, maybe three. "Akira…Akira will rise…people will die…your friend…he's dangerous…they'll die…Akira…your boyfriend will die…"
"No!" These voices knew what was happening, they told the truth, now they'd said it Yamagata would die, he could feel it. "No, take it back, I won't let him!"
And around him the city crumbled…the roads split like dry earth, the skyscrapers sank suddenly as their moorings gave out, and the sea oozed over it all and covered his feet.
"We can't…your friend…Akira…you've got to…"
"What? What have I got to do?"
"It's no good…" This voice might have been female. "I can't see a way…he can't alter his future…and he can't alter anyone else's…"
"But, Kiyoko…"
"He's going to be hurt…" And the voice sounded very small and sad suddenly. "He's going to be hurt and none of us can stop it, he can't, none of them can. He'll be hurt. Then – then the other boy, he'll become one of our number…and then…Akira…"
"What are you talking about?" Kai yelled up to the dark, starry sky. It was raining, and he was cold, so cold…drowning in ice and water… "Who's Akira? Who are you? What do you mean, number? How am I going to be hurt?"
"I'm sorry…" the girl-voice whispered. "I'm sorry…"
And then one of the others just said, "Akira."
And then suddenly he wasn't standing in a rainy night, he was lying down, he was lying tangled in a sheet, and the sun was just beginning to make a square on the ceiling, and in the next room, someone was playing rock music, and someone else was banging on the wall and telling them to shut it.
He shook his head to get rid of the dream. Whoever Akira was, he wasn't important.
Nasty, grisly premonitions, though. You're screwed up, he told himself, climbing out of bed. No one's gonna die, no one's gonna get hurt. Well, not more than usual.
The sky was grey, and the air was hot and dry. He figured there was going to be a thunderstorm soon, and sighed. He didn't like storms. They always made him feel gloomy. Like something awful was going to happen any moment.
"Let's goooooo!"
He looked round, and saw two bikes, one red, one blue, hurtling down the street. Both screeched to a halt in front of him.
"Come on!" Kaneda called.
"I'll take you," Yamagata said, and grinned. Kai climbed onto the back of his motorbike, and they set off.
"So you fixed it?" he yelled over the roaring of the engine.
"Yup. You don't need to worry."
"I am not worried."
"Glad to hear it," Yamagata said as they charged round a corner.
Your boyfriend will die…
No. Yamagata was alive, now, he was sitting in front of him, he was warm, he was breathing hard as they twisted and turned, and – come on, you couldn't imagine him as anything else. They wouldn't die. None of them would die.
Going to be hurt…
Well, so what? Kai shrugged. He'd been hurt before, a bunch of times before, Mr Takaba, Clowns, various incidents involving bikes. It didn't bother him.
He let go of the dream, hoped it would blow out of his head and up into the fluff-coloured sky.
"Hey, Yamagata, how fast can that thing go with two people on it?" Kaneda called.
"Fast enough."
"Let's prove it. Race you to the parking lot!"
"Eat my dust!"
Kai clung on as the bike gathered speed, drew closer and closer to Kaneda – but not close enough.
"Damn it…" Yamagata sounded like he was gritting his teeth. "Kaneda, you're not gonna get away with this! Once Kai's got his bike back, we'll kick your ass!"
"I'll believe it when I see it!"
And there, battered, graffiti'd and grubby, was the school. Yamagata put on a burst of speed, drew level with Kaneda for a moment – Kaneda accelerated – and there was the parking lot – Yamagata slammed on the brakes, Kai tried not to think of the last time he'd done that – they screamed to a halt –
Kaneda and his bike sailed past them, and through the plate-glass window of the sports hall.
"Kaneda!" Kai leapt off the bike and ran over to the smashed window.
"You okay, man?" Yamagata called.
They both squinted into the shady hall. Kaneda was standing by his bike, shaking specks of glass out of his hair. They glittered as they fell to the floor.
"I'm fine," he said. "And I won."
"You did not!" Yamagata yelled. "It was a race to the parking lot!"
"And I'm several metres past the parking lot."
"You're a smartass jerk is what you are."
"No, I'm just –"
"Shotaro Kaneda! What on earth are you doing?"
Kaneda turned slowly, to see Mr Takaba and a group of first year gym students at the door.
"Uh…Mr Takaba, sir," he said, putting his I'm-not-only-innocent-but-wonderful smile on. "What a surprise!"
(A/N: Paraphrased from the Recess movie ^_^)
Mr Takaba's eyes narrowed.
"You two," he snarled at Yamagata and Kai. "Get in here."
"But we didn't –"
"NOW!"
Reluctantly, Kai followed Yamagata past the wrecked window down to the door into the sports hall.
"Right," Mr Takaba said. "You three – to the principal's office. You –" He turned to the first years. "Get rid of this broken glass."
"But sir –" one foolish boy said.
"Tanaka, if you don't want to be doing bare-knuckle press-ups for the next two hours, you will clean up the glass NOW!"
"Yes sir!"
The first years crowded into the hall, and Mr Takaba turned back to the three bikers.
"Come on," he said.
"I'll just deal with my bike –" Kaneda said.
"Now."
"But my bike –"
"Now."
Kaneda scowled, muttered something unpleasant, and he, Yamagata and Kai followed Mr Takaba out of the hall.
"Oh, this is gonna be a real good start to the day," Kai muttered. "Thanks a bunch, Kaneda."
"Ah, come on, guys, it wasn't totally my fault."
"It was all your fault," Yamagata said.
"Yeah, well, I'm gonna suffer too, aren't I? He's left my bike with a crowd of psychotic first years."
"They didn't look that psychotic to me."
"All first years are psychotic. Remember how we were?"
"Point," Kai said.
Yamagata started humming the 'Jaws' theme as they reached the headmaster's office, and this reduced all three of them to sniggers.
"I'm sure you realise the seriousness of what you have done," said the vice-principal.
"Oh, yeah, sure I do." Kaneda put on his truly-sorry-seeing-error-of-ways face.
"We don't," Yamagata muttered. "We haven't even done anything, you dumb old goat."
The vice-principal didn't appear to hear this. "Therefore you will understand why we are forced to punish you."
"Nope, not getting it, sorry," Kai said.
"Silence!" Mr Takaba roared. He stepped forward, and raised his hand. Kai, who was first in line this time, gritted his teeth –
"Discipline!"
Smack.
Ow. Kai let himself fall heavily onto the carpet, and listened to the gym teacher above him. That's me getting hurt, then, he thought.
"Discipline!"
Thud.
"Disci –"
Kai blinked, and looked up.
Yamagata had been the last in line, and he'd been hit, sure, there was a bruise swelling on his face, but his fists were clenched, and – Mr Takaba stood there, clutching his jaw.
Wow, he hit Mr Takaba? Isn't there like a law against that?
"Uh-oh," Kaneda muttered next to him.
For a moment Mr Takaba seemed to freeze, like a glacier – then, slowly, his expression transformed from puzzled pain, to thoughtful pain, to unmitigated fury – and then he charged.
Yamagata flew back and hit the (mercifully empty) trophy cupboard. Before he could stand, Mr Takaba hauled him to his feet by his shirt, and hit him again – and again –
"We gotta do something," Kai hissed to Kaneda. "Otherwise he'll kill him!"
Your boyfriend's going to die…
Kaneda nodded and got to his feet.
"Uh, sir?" he said to the vice-principal. "I so totally understand the error of my ways now, but I'd really like my friend to, you know, survive. Otherwise I might go crazy with grief and start destroying things."
The principal glanced up from polishing his glasses. "What? Oh – yes – Mr Takaba, I think you proved your point."
Mr Takaba let go of Yamagata, who collapsed onto the floor, spat blood onto the carpet and raised a finger in the gym teacher's direction.
"Thank you very much, sir!" Kaneda gabbled, grabbed Yamagata's arm and hauled him to his feet. "We'll be off to class now, come on, Kai –"
Kai grabbed Yamagata's other arm, and they helped him out of the office and down the stairs.
"Yamagata?" Kaneda said. "Um – are you alive in there?"
Yamagata rubbed some blood off his face. "Uh…yeah, yeah, I think so."
"Good. Why the hell did you do that? I mean, I'm not saying it wasn't cool, but you know, if you want to attack Jaws, at least tell the rest of us, then we can all get together and kill him."
"Mmm…well…y'know, it was a sort of spur-of-the-moment thing…" Yamagata spat a tooth into his palm. "Ooh…third one this year."
"Look," Kaneda said, "I gotta go find my bike. Kai, can you take care of him and knock some sense into his big fat head?"
"No problem."
Kaneda breathed a sigh of relief, and dashed off down the corridor. Kai waited until he'd vanished round the corner before grabbing Yamagata's hand and saying, "Are you all right?"
"Kai, I'm…I'm fine. I just need to wash the blood off, and then, you know…"
They walked down the next flight of stairs. Kai was surprised to find that he was trembling.
"Why did you do it?" he asked. "Come on, you can't be that pissed. So Jaws booked us for being innocent bystanders. It's happened like loads of times before."
Yamagata shrugged. As they reached the bathrooms, he stumbled inside, and leant over a sink. Spots of blood started to dot their way across the grimy porcelain.
"Well?" Kai demanded, glaring at him through the shady, smelly air.
Yamagata glanced round to check there was no one else in there, then said, "I just…got mad at him. I just…when I saw him hitting you."
"He's hit me loads of times before." Kai blinked as light spots started to flower at the back of his eyes. Even the sun couldn't get into the darkest corners of this school. It was still hot though. His clothes hung on him heavy and baking as greasy pancakes.
"Yeah, but…I don't know, now it was…different." Yamagata turned on the tap, splashed cold water over his face. More blood oozed down the sink. "I just…you know."
"You say that way too much." Kai could hear his voice getting sharper, but the sight of the blood and the bruises were making him angry. "You didn't need to damn well do that and you know it!"
Yamagata just shrugged, and rubbed his face. "Well, I wanted to, and I'm glad I did. He didn't need to book you in the first place, and he didn't need to hit you." As Kai tried to speak, he said, "Yeah, I know. But it's different now."
Kai stared up at him, and suddenly he could see. It was different. Friends, you just put up with them getting knocked around if there was nothing you could do about it, and then you commiserated afterwards and helped them pick up their teeth. But now…whatever they were now, boyfriend and boyfriend or something…you wanted it to stop. You wanted them to be safe. The feelings were very new, and made him jump inside like you would if you sipped too-hot soup.
You wanted to make them safe, hold them, stop them hurting, always stop them hurting.
This was different. He'd never felt like this about someone before, so mixed-up and angry and sorry and worried. Those sappy songs never sang about these sorts of feelings.
You wanted to stop them hurting.
Like I managed to do that.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm so sorry…"
"Don't be. Like I said, I chose to do it, didn't I?" Yamagata grinned, and winced. "You know, I hate to say this, but kissing might be a problem for the rest of today –"
"Ah, shit!"
Yamagata hugged him. "Don't worry, let's check…shouldn't be anyone coming in here…"
As their lips met, Kai could taste the blood, but he kissed nevertheless, and then stood, resting against Yamagata's chest, and decided he liked being shorter than his boyfriend. If you could lean your head against someone's chest, you could feel the ripple of their breathing.
Feel that they're alive.
He put that thought out of his head, and glanced over at their reflections in the dingy yellowed mirror.
"Hey, look at us," he said. "We look like a couple."
Yamagata glanced at them too, and then looked away.
"We'd better get going," Kai said at last. "You know – school? Not to mention someone'll come in here sooner or later –"
"Yeah, but they haven't come yet."
They'd just started kissing again when there were running footsteps. The door burst open, and they jumped away from each other.
Tetsuo stood in the doorway. He frowned at them, and Kai wondered if they looked guilty.
"There you are," he said. "Kaneda thought you'd be here. We were coming to see if you were okay."
"We're fine," Yamagata said shortly, splashing some more water over his face to remove the last of the blood.
Tetsuo glanced from him to Kai, then frowned. "Hey, Kai, you got some blood on you too. Didn't Jaws just black your eye?"
"Um – no – bit my tongue – something like that." Note to self, Kai thought as he spat on his fingers to rub it off. Kissing beaten-up boyfriend leads to bloodstains. Idiot, idiot…
"How come you did it, anyway?" Tetsuo asked Yamagata. "I thought you weren't bothered about them beating on you."
"Well, I got sick of it."
"But –"
"Look, Tetsuo, just quit quizzing me, okay?" Yamagata straightened up from the sink, and pushed past the other boy. "Just cos you ain't got the balls to stand up to Jaws doesn't mean nobody else hasn't."
Tetsuo slumped back against the door, and his hands curled into fists.
"I just asked," he called as Yamagata walked out of the bathroom.
Kai followed, trying not to meet Tetsuo's eyes. That guy might notice something else.
"Yamagata?" a girl's voice said.
Yamagata stopped in the doorway, and Kai nearly walked into him.
"Oh, it's you," he said.
"Yeah," the girl replied. "I – shit, what happened to your face?"
"Nothing. Look, Suki, what do you want?"
"I just thought we could…you know. You wanna come for a drink with me?"
"No. I've got classes."
"Since when did you ever care about classes?" she snapped.
"Since now. Maybe my burning desire to study and learn a vocation's got a bit more burning lately."
"Fine," Suki snapped. "All right, go to your stupid classes."
"What's with you?" Kai asked him as they walked down the corridor.
"Nothing. This is all getting too close. I should've been more careful. Thought up an excuse."
"Don't worry. They won't guess."
"Yeah, you're right." Yamagata reached out to Kai as though to hug him, then stopped, took a deep breath, and said, "Let's go."
Why the hell did I do it?
Yamagata swallowed, and absent-mindedly licked at the split across his lip. Maybe he'd be able to figure it all out better if he didn't ache so much.
Not that Jaws didn't deserve it, not that he hadn't always deserved it, but why now? Kaneda was right, you didn't just decide to do summat like that and hope it would all work out okay.
But when he'd looked round and seen Kai collapsing onto the floor, it had – it had hurt, really bad, and he'd just been so angry…
But he'd seen Kai getting hit loads of times before.
But it was different now. He couldn't feel like a normal person. It was all different – that guy in the mirror, hugging another guy, that hadn't been him…and yet of course it had. His feelings had gone crazy. Thinking of Kai made him feel all kind of warm…and yet excited…and like he just wanted to hang around him forever, and…and…he'd just had to do something, the feelings had made him. He'd not expected that. He'd never needed to do stuff like that for his girlfriends. Where had all these feelings come from?
And why was it getting so hard to hide them?
It was like he'd been swept up in a flood and the water was so strong he couldn't even fight against it, he just had to concentrate on surviving and not giving up completely and sinking down into darkness.
The darkness being what it'd be like if anyone else found out about this. And it would be darkness, he was sure of it, just like in his dreams. Scorn. And laughter. And being hurt as bad as when it happened before…
The scar flicked against his skin.
Damn you Kai, why'd you have to make me feel like this?
The rage didn't make the other feelings go away. It was like they were in a different part of his brain, a part he couldn't reach. They'd go on glowing whatever happened, even when he was dead they'd still be there, they'd cut his head open and find this strange light…
Okay, getting too weird. He let himself remember more instead.
You wanna come for a drink with me?
Suki leaping on him had reminded him of how little he wanted to be with her now. Yeah. He wouldn't stand up to stop her getting her face smashed in.
But he would stand up for Kai.
Well, so? So what if Kai mattered to him? Kai was his friend anyway. They were just…friends who kissed.
No. No, that wasn't it. They were something else. Something stronger.
But it didn't matter. The others wouldn't figure it out anyway.
Yeah. Kai mattered to him and that was okay. And Kai said he wouldn't tell. And he could trust Kai. He could trust Kai completely.
"Hey, Yamagata?"
He glanced down at Kai. "What?"
"Thanks. You were an idiot, but – thanks."
"Forget it." But he was smiling again suddenly, despite the pain it caused.
The sun splashed gold over them a moment, and dust motes hung in the air.
"What is with him?"
Suki kicked the wall, feeling tears sting her eyes like sand grains. He didn't need to be so mean. Just cos she asked him some stuff.
Maybe he didn't like her because she'd told him to stop that one time.
So they're right, she thought, a sob bubbling up inside her head. Boys really do only want one thing.
"What's with him?" someone said. "Probably tense about his bike."
Suki looked up, blinking away her tears, to see that weird kid Tetsuo leaning against the wall, watching her. "What's wrong with his stupid bike?"
Tetsuo shrugged. "Someone cut the brake leads on it, that night we were down at the fountain. He had a crash."
"What – when you guys left me and him together?"
"Uh-huh." Tetsuo sighed. "He wants revenge. He and Kai are both really pissed about it."
"Does he know who did it?"
"No. Kai didn't see anyone. We think it's probably the Clowns."
Suki shrugged. "Why'd that make him hate me?"
Tetsuo rolled his eyes. "I don't know, do I? I just thought you'd like to know – that's why he's mad. Or maybe it's just he's a jerk in general."
He pushed himself off the wall, and slunk away down the corridor.
Suki scowled. That excuse was all very well, but she couldn't see why Yamagata would blame her. She hadn't had anything to do with his bike, she didn't know anything about it. It was more likely to be one of his stupid friends thinking it was funny.
Yeah. All Yamagata's friends were stupid. Kaneda was a stuck-up arrogant jerk, Tetsuo was just…weird, and as for that kid Kai –
Suki glowered. She stopped to pick some paint off the windowsill next to her, imagining she was digging her nails into Kai's eyes. He was such a little brat. Always acting like she had no right to even talk to Yamagata. Acting like there was some big secret between them. Always glaring at her, I mean, at that night by the fountain he'd even tried to hit her. And then going and sulking down by the bikes, couldn't he just accept his friend had a girl?
Wait.
Some big secret…sulking down by the bikes…more likely to be one of his stupid friends…
Of course. Of course! Kai had sabotaged the bike! He was so jealous of her he'd hoped she'd be riding home on it that night. He'd tried to kill her. What a freak! What a nasty-minded, creepy little freak!
She chewed her lower lip, thinking. She had to tell Yamagata this. He had to know. She didn't know where the guys would be now, but lunchtime was only three hours away. They'd be hanging round in the parking lot, guarding their precious bikes; they always were. She could talk to him there.
The sky was choppy and grey, and the washed-out sun poked through it like a torch beam.
Tetsuo was sitting off to the side, eyeing Kaneda's bike, which had survived its encounter with the first years and was now being lovingly polished by its owner. Various other gang members were talking among themselves, Yamagata was sprawled across a low wall, gazing up at the sky, and Kai was trying not to look at him because it would be too tempting.
It'd be so great if they could just admit it. Just be like a normal couple. Sit holding hands, or curled up with each other, or kiss in public if they wanted. It would be so much easier. He hated having secrets from the others, it was like living half in their world and half in his own, a darker, stranger world simply because no one else knew about it. About Yamagata and him. He didn't want their world to be like that. He wanted it to link up with everyone else's and just – just be normal.
And, of course, there was that even darker world that nobody else knew about. The sabotage one. The one with a guy in it who'd tried to murder someone, and not just any someone…
That world could stay dark. And then maybe it would shrivel up and die.
But the other world, the Yamagata-and-him one…what was wrong with letting a little light into it?
He glanced at Kaneda and Tetsuo and the others. They could be cool about it. Or they could…not.
He wouldn't mind taking the risk, just to see.
Yamagata did, though.
But it would just be nice.
The breeze flicked at his hair, rattled a crushed Coke can along the ground, in time with the high-heeled footsteps coming towards them.
Oh, nuts. Kai tried not to scowl as Suki came into view.
"Yamagata!" she called, the breeze flicking her orange scarf round her body. "Can I talk to you?"
"Sure."
Kai focused on a cracked paving stone under his feet and tried to ignore her.
"It's, um, it's about your bike," Suki said.
She took a deep breath, twisted her necklace, and said, "I know who sabotaged it."
Kai went icy cold for one moment, then fear started to jump out all over his body in hot, sweaty handfuls. No. No, she couldn't have. She couldn't have…
"Huh?" Kai felt Yamagata sit up, frown at her. "Who? How'd you know anyway?"
"I figured it out."
"Well, who is it?"
"Yeah," Kaneda said from his own bike. "Tell us so we can go cream 'em."
Kai could feel his heart, crushing and solid behind his ribs, choking him.
"It's Kai," Suki said.
The thick, humid air was silent for a moment.
Then Yamagata snorted. "No way. Come off it, Suki, you really think I'm gonna fall for that?"
"It's the truth," Suki hissed. "He never liked me, did he? Remember how he nearly hit me? He did it to hurt me. He thought I'd be riding home with you. He wanted me to die."
Kai gripped one hand with the other to stop them trembling. He wanted to run, or hit out, or cry like a little kid. But he didn't know what to do. Suddenly the light was being forced into the darkness, but it was too bright, it would burn him up…
"That's – that's crazy," Yamagata said, but he sounded worried now. "Kai wouldn't do a thing like that."
"Why don't you ask him?" Suki said.
"Because I don't need to. Because I trust him, and I know he'd never do anything so scummy. Because I think you're just saying this cos you want me to be like your pet. Your kept boyfriend. So I ain't asking him, and you can just piss off back to your slut friends."
"You're not asking him because you're scared," Suki retorted at once.
"You're a liar."
"Ask him. Go on. Ask him. Prove me wrong, you'd love that, wouldn't you? You'd love to see me look stupid. Ask him."
Yamagata was silent. Kai kept his head down, kept looking at that paving stone, and digging the nails of one hand into the palm of the other. He knew he must look guilty, but he couldn't think what he could do to make himself look innocent. He couldn't think of anything to do at all.
"Kai?" Kaneda said at last. "You didn't do it, did you?"
He looked up, met Kaneda's eyes. Of course he could lie to him. It would be easy. Just say no and let Suki walk away, her relationship smashed. Besides, it didn't matter any more. He'd done it because he hated Suki for being Yamagata's girlfriend, but she wasn't, not any more. It wasn't important, none of it was important…
"Kai?"
That wasn't Kaneda, it was Yamagata, and Kai did what he'd been desperately trying not to do; turned and looked at him, and as he did, he felt sick, because Yamagata had gone pale, and his eyes – his eyes were pleading – say you didn't do it – say you didn't –
Of course it's important…
Kai wanted to start crying. I'm sorry, he thought back. I'm so sorry…
And the words spilled from his mouth.
"Yeah. Yeah, I did."
There was a long, long silence.
"Why?" Kaneda said, getting to his feet, and now rage was covering his voice like a coat of paint. "Why the hell would you do something so dumb?"
"Like she says," Kai said, trying to keep his voice flat, because it was threatening to tremble. "I was jealous of her."
"Jealous?" Kaneda snapped. "Why the hell you'd be jealous of her? She's just some dumb girl, she's nothing to any of us. You could have killed him, Kai! That mean anything to you? You could have killed him!"
Of course it meant something, it meant everything, it tore him open and sadness was bleeding from his eyes.
"I –" He swallowed. His throat had gone dry, and he could feel himself trembling. "I was jealous of her because –"
"I don't wanna hear it."
Yamagata got to his feet, marched towards them.
"Whatever it is, I'm not interested," he snapped. "Get out of my sight, Kaisuke."
"You know why I did it," Kai hissed at him. "You know exactly why –"
"And I said, I don't want you to tell me! I don't want you to tell anyone!"
Kai stared at him for some moments as understanding dawned.
He won't even let me tell the truth. He'd rather preserve his own damn reputation then let me keep a bit of mine.
And as he realised, his entire body was flooded with fury, so much fury it hurt.
"Oh, I get it," he said. "You're too fucking scared to admit the truth, aren't you. Well, fine. You want to pretend I had no reason, fine, I had no reason. No reason at all, because I don't give a damn about you. I wish you had died when we crashed, cos guess what? You're so stupid no one would miss you."
The words had spilled out of his mouth before he could stop them. Now he wished he had, because Yamagata was staring at him, face blazing with shock.
I'm sorry –
No, I'm not –
Then the misery had gone, and Yamagata was simply scowling, shaking with rage. "You take that back."
"Not unless you let me tell 'em why I did it."
"There's no reason. I don't know of any reason. Which I guess makes you delusional. So you can just get out of here and I never wanna see you again."
"All right," Kai said, and he was trembling again. "All right, I'm going."
He started to walk away, then stopped, and called over his shoulder:
"Guess it didn't mean much to you then. And we couldn't even get past seven days."
And then he started walking again, faster and faster, until he was running, out of the parking lot, out of the school gates, down the street, past the boarded-up shops, tears blurring their faded signs, and finally he got back home, dashed upstairs to his room, and there he could do nothing else but sink down on his bed and cry.
