Chapter Seven – They Killed You
(All characters © Katsuhiro Otomo. I don't own them. No, not even Yamagata *growls*. However, I do own Chip's character although nothing else about him.
Crazygirl Liz, thanks for sticking up for me although I don't reckon Assassin23 is going to be back…pity *hefts iron bar thoughtfully*
Assassin23, if you do happen to be reading this, please e-mail me to tell me to die, die, die, then I can e-mail you back instead of having to waste my review numbers and introductions on you. Okay? Okay.
Errr…this chapter involves non-graphic rape and is quite, er, bleak. Please don't tell me I have mental problems, I know and am attempting to come to terms with it.)
Darkness bled over the sky, and dim growls of thunder echoed above the skyscrapers. The breeze picked up a little, sending takeaway cartons and chocolate wrappers skittering along the road.
The Harukiya was stuffy and the lights kept flickering. Kai swallowed as he walked down the stairs. He wasn't scared. He just wasn't looking forward to another dose of rejection.
It had been two weeks since he'd made up with Yamagata, but for all that time he'd still been out of the gang. Yamagata had figured the others needed some time to forget about what had happened and just remember how good a rider Kai was. Then he'd tell them he'd forgiven Kai, and Kai would be let into the gang again, and everything would be great.
It sounded a lot better as an outline than when you were actually doing it. As an outline it had sounded like it might work. And Kai wanted it to work. He was glad Yamagata had forgiven him – so glad – but he wanted his friends back too. He was spending too much time on his own.
He reached out, gripped the slightly sticky doorhandle, and walked into the room.
The guys were seated at a corner table, except for Kaneda, who was skulking by the juke box. Kai took a deep breath of the hot, alcohol-soaked air, and walked towards them.
Yamagata looked up, saw him, called, "Hey, Kai. Come and sit down," and ignored the puzzled looks he was receiving from everyone else.
"Weren't you – uh – mad with him?" Tetsuo asked.
"We sorted it out."
"But he –"
"I said," Yamagata let a hint of menace echo in his voice, "we sorted it out. Okay?"
Tetsuo glowered at him, and slumped back in his chair.
Kaneda selected a song, ignored the nasty look the barman gave him, and sauntered over to the others. "Kai? What're you doing here?"
"They've sorted it out," Tetsuo muttered. "Apparently."
"That's okay, right?" Yamagata put on a relaxed face. "It's just, you know…seemed dumb to let it get in the way, yadda yadda, you know. Okay? Okay."
Kaneda shook his head slightly, but all he said was, "Fine. Just don't do anything to my bike or you'll really get it. Uh – or anyone else's, of course."
"I won't," Kai said. "Honest. It was just…um…a phase I was going through."
Or something.
He hadn't even asked Yamagata if they could tell the real reason. He'd just get a no, and he wasn't risking this relationship-thingy-whatever again. But he still wanted to. Yamagata seemed to think it would be so terrible, but Kai was sick of feeling like he was watching the others from behind glass.
But he'd compromise, and keep his mouth shut.
The evening wore on. Most of the gang seemed a little confused – when they spoke to Kai, there was still a strong air of I don't think you should be here – but Kaneda was friendly enough, and Yamagata was talking to him and that made everything okay again.
Except that he'd really like to be doing other things with Yamagata. Really, really like to. And the wanting was making him itchy, and sort of hungry only not in a food way. He'd got out of practice, only seeing Yamagata when they were on their own, getting used to being able to kiss him without worrying about other people…
Finally he couldn't stand it any more.
"Yamagata? Uh…could you, um come outside with me? There's something I need to tell you."
"Uh-oh," Tetsuo muttered.
Yamagata gave him a nasty look, then got to his feet. "Sure. Back in a minute, guys."
"You look too interesting," he hissed to Kai as they reached the door. "You keep making me forget what I was gonna say to people. Forgot how hard it was seeing you when the guys are around."
"Same here."
They hurried up the stairs, and out into the night air. More thunder growled above them as they ducked into the alleyway to the side of the Harukiya, and started kissing like it was a competition.
Chip glanced at his watch. He'd get out of here early. The gang would be wanting to ride out, and Joker didn't like latecomers. He'd lurk a little longer, see what info he could pick up from the Capsules, but not too long; he didn't want to get his ass kicked for keeping the others waiting.
He took a firm grip on the case of bottles he was carrying, and walked up out of the cellar, into the pre-stormy air of the night. Great, the weather was looking bad. Knowing his luck, it would pour later, and that lazy jerk of a barman would then ask him to go down this alley a zillion times to pick up more cases.
He was just about to walk round to the back door of the Harukiya when he saw the couple kissing at the entrance to the alley, and stopped, sniggering. Geez, they were going at it all right. If they actually started fucking against the wall, he'd get the camera. He needed a laugh.
A car rushed past the alley, and for a moment the walls and the people in it lit up with the flare of headlights.
And Chip saw the couple's faces. He felt his mouth twist like he'd eaten a lemon. Two guys kissing; that just looked wrong –
But not just any guys. Those two, the tall one he hated and the little kid whose bike they'd taken.
This could be it. This could be the info he needed. And even if it wasn't…even if the tall guy didn't care shit for the little one (and he looked like he was enjoying himself enough), this could still be the night they finally got some good revenge.
He'd watch, and he'd listen, and then he'd head back to Star Bowl and alert his pals. Most of the Clowns would be riding out, but some of them wanted – specific revenge. Just like he did.
Creeping so he didn't disturb them, he slunk away, back into the Harukiya.
Eventually, Kaneda put down his empty glass, gave a last hopeful look at the jukebox, and said, "Let's go."
"Go where?"
"Out. At this rate the Clowns're gonna think we're giving 'em back the streets."
"What about him?" Tetsuo asked, indicating Kai.
Kaneda shrugged. "Kai?"
"Nah, I'll…go back. Not much I can do, is there?" He didn't want to, he wanted to be part of the group again. Seemed all the time he was being different.
"You can start looking for a new bike is what you can do," Kaneda said. "But okay. See you tomorrow, then."
They got up, and headed towards the doors. Yamagata pulled Kai to the back of the group, and said, "Don't go home. Come to my place, okay? It's nearer. And when I get back, we can…uh…hang out or something."
"Sure. Sounds great."
Yamagata nodded, keeping his face normal, the face you'd use to talk to someone who was just a friend. Then he clutched Kai's hand for a moment, and whispered, "I, uh…I'm glad we made up."
"Me too." Kai felt a huge grin spread over his face. He'd got his friends back, and Yamagata still liked him. He loved this night, every bit of it.
Except for the rain, of course. It was pouring, sheets of it rushing over the pavement and pooling at the top of the Harukiya steps, turning the air damp and steamy. The storm had come at last. Kai sighed, and stepped out into it, calling goodbye to the others.
Chip watched him vanish into the damp city. Then he scurried back into the Harukiya, and made for the scratched, gum-stained payphone.
"Hey, it's me, Chip…he's just left…the others're gonna ride out, but he's walking someplace, down through Chuo Street, I think…Yeah, I'll be there soon as I can, that little punk deserves everything he gets…yeah, see ya."
Neo-Tokyo dripped. The rain rushed down the gutters, sweeping the rubbish along, oozed over the billboards and advert screens, diluted a thousand pools of petrol, rattled on the roofs of a million grid-locked cars. It speckled the goggles of the Capsules as they roared away from the Harukiya, and it pattered on the helmets and masks of the Clowns as they left the Star Bowl.
Kai shivered as it sent icy needles through his jacket. He'd be glad to get inside, get undercover.
You mean under the covers. You and Yamagata…don't pretend you wouldn't enjoy it, muttered a dirty-minded part of his brain.
He grinned, and let it mutter. Finally, for once, he didn't feel lonely. He felt liked. He felt cared for. He felt –
Suddenly there was a clatter from the alley on his left. He glanced at it, and then froze.
No. No way. That would just make the day too perfect.
His bike. His bike stood there, slightly damp, but not battered, not broken, shining in the lights of the headlamps as cars rushed past them. Kai ran towards it. Yes. It was undoubtedly his. Three weeks absence, but it was still his.
Grinning, he took hold of the handlebars. They fit his fingers. Indeed, getting close to it was like putting on a favourite shirt. Comfortable and unsurprising and trusting.
Suddenly he heard footsteps. He turned, and then someone slammed their fist into his face, and he stumbled back against the bike. Blinking through the shock, he saw about three heavy figures block out the sea of cars and lights at the entrance to the alleyway.
Then he saw their masks, and the patterns on their helmets. It was the Clowns.
Yamagata squinted as Neo-Tokyo's lights roared past him. Soon the Clowns would leap out from somewhere, and the real battle would begin, but for now they were just waiting. So while most of his mind concentrated on riding, one part was free to wander. Normally it didn't – normally he was too high on adrenaline to let it – but tonight, tonight the coming chase didn't seem that important. Just a vague smear on his life before the sharp, clear colours of seeing Kai again.
Geez, he sounded so sappy. But come on. Them getting back together had just underlined how much he'd missed him before. Only it was better now. Now he could trust him.
He'd have to, because they were going out again, and you had to trust someone when you were like that with them. Like, you had to trust them when they said they weren't going to tell anyone.
Kai still minded about that, you could tell, but there was no way Yamagata was gonna tell the other guys
You're still scared…
No. It wasn't that. But he liked having friends, and for another…for another he didn't want them laughing at this…relationship-thing. Or saying it was sick. Or whatever. Because it was special. It was special, and it was his. With girls he'd boasted about it like they all did, because it was scoring, wasn't it? But this…it wasn't anything to do with scores. It was probably a minus number or something. And yet he still wanted it. He wanted it loads.
And so that was why he'd asked Kai to come to his place tonight, and that was why he could feel a permanent smile curled up on his face, and that was why bashing the Clowns didn't really seem that important now.
"Gotcha."
"Where the hell did you get my bike?" Kai yelled.
"We picked it up after you dodged out on us. You remember that, right? This time you ain't dodging."
"Fuck you." Kai got to his feet, trying to ignore the trembling of his knees. "You guys are nothing but a bunch of freaks." Think, think, how to get out of the alleyway? They were blocking it completely, and they'd expect him to make a run for it through them. Oh help…oh help…
Don't panic, he thought, and then the sentence was shattered as one of them rushed forward and hit him again. Even as the pain started to seep into his body, he was able to turn, slam his fist into the guy's jaw, and there was a howl. He started to run for the exit, but one of the others caught him, and clutched his throat with fingers like pork chops. The lights skidded and bled as his air started to fade, but he made out the other two, circling, their fists breaking into the rest of him as he choked. Then, with one frantic kick, his foot met the other guy's groin – there was a yelp – and suddenly he could breathe, and he stumbled, and the world, and the road, wavered as he tried to run towards it.
And ran into someone, a someone who caught his shirt and punched him again. One of the others laughed. "Good one, Chip."
Chip, what a stupid name, the last rational part of his brain thought, just before he was hit again, thrown backwards, down onto the damp, gritty ground.
They stood around him, surrounded him, and they were covered in darkness and he could hardly see the road any more.
"Told you that bike'd come in useful."
"Yeah. Don't tell Joker, though. Hear that?" One of them kicked him, and his brain sighed and started noting down more pain. "Joker wanted to smash it, but we're smart enough not to."
He wanted to panic. He wanted to be frightened, and cry, and beg. But he wasn't going to. This would just be…pain. Some dumb old pain. He could handle that.
The guy kicked him again. "Lost your tongue down there?"
"Maybe he left it in his boyfriend's throat."
Kai choked on the blood oozing in his mouth. Huh? How the hell did this sleazebag know about Yamagata and him?
"What d'you mean, Chip?"
"I saw 'em, playing tonsil hockey outside the Harukiya. That tall guy, you know."
"The one who jumped you that time?"
"Yeah."
"What, so the Capsules are a bunch of queers?"
"Sure looks that way, don't it?"
Hysterical laughter and horrible words, but he didn't care about that either, he could get through this, he knew it…didn't he?
"So what do we do now? What do you think, Chip? You're the one who's got problems with his boyfriend."
"You all know what they like." That was Chip again, he was pretty sure, but whoever was saying it, it didn't matter, because suddenly he was cold, cold with horror, and he had to get out of here, because otherwise – and then the sentence dwindled away into a black screaming fear, and he couldn't think through it.
"It's not like he's even a real rider, right? With riders, you rough 'em up a little. He ain't a rider, not now. He's like one of those dumb chicks who cling onto the back. So let's fuck his brains out."
The world screamed with rain. Yamagata could feel it oozing over his skin, and drips from his hair ran down his face and dangled at the corner of his eyes. He parked his bike at the back of the dorms, then unlocked the front door, and stepped into the silent hallway. It was nine-thirty. He hoped Kai hadn't been too bored, that was all.
The stairs creaked as he crept up them. He reached his bedroom, stepped inside.
It was dark. Rain cracked against the window, and the city lights sent shadows flying out over the floor.
"Kai?"
That was odd. Where the hell could he be? No bike, and the Harukiya was only about ten or fifteen minutes away. He should be here.
Yamagata tried to tell himself he was only annoyed. But he was lying, because suddenly he felt as cold and confused as the rain. What the hell was going on?
He remembered rain. It was really beating down now, heavy on him like buckets of water.
He remembered grit and dirt, smearing his face, icy as it seeped through the front of his shirt.
He remembered laughter, laughter he yearned to break and tear and force down its owners' throats.
And pain. Pain he wasn't going to admit to. Pain he wasn't going to remember. So he gritted his teeth, and forced his thoughts into one sentence only, so that he could keep all the frightened ones and the crying ones and the begging ones out. Screw you, you fucking bastards…screw you, you fucking bastards…
His rational mind shook its head at the irony.
"Hey, Chip, is he still awake?"
Chip had been standing, staring down at him. Now he squatted down, lifted Kai's head, and their eyes met.
It was a shock to see a face. For too long he'd been used to seeing only feet. Chip's eyes and skin glistened in the headlights from outside the alley, and he was breathing quickly as he watched what was going on in front of him.
His fingers seemed to freeze Kai's skin, damp, slimy –
You went first I don't want you touching me –
He wanted to keep his head up, stare Chip in the eye and show him he wasn't afraid, that this was doing nothing to him. But he couldn't, and as pain bit deeper, slammed him further and further into the darkness, he let his head fall forward so that he stared at the ground, and bit down harder on his lower lip so that he could focus on that hurt instead, and tried not to notice Chip's snigger.
The Clown let go of him, straightened up.
"Oh, he's awake all right," he said, a grin in his voice, and shifted position, his boots splashing through puddles. "Hey, you enjoying the mud down there? Guess you don't look so smart now."
He skimmed his foot along the ground, sending a spatter of rain water into Kai's face. But it didn't matter. He was covered in so much wet and dirt now it felt like he'd been swimming in it.
Pain again –
And again –
This is going to go on forever –
He nearly screamed then, and quickly bit down on it, and started thought-whispering desperately.
Screw you you fucking bastards –
The payphone in the hallway was dusty, and the hallway itself was dark and cold. Lightning jumped on it once or twice, or maybe that was just flickering streetlamps. Anyway, it jumped, making spiky, sharp shadows from the dying pot plant and broken blinds.
Yamagata rocked on his heels as he listened to the phone ring. Kaneda mightn't even be back yet. But it was ten p.m. now, and he wasn't just uneasy, he was scared.
"Hello?"
It was some chick. He swallowed.
"Can I speak to Kaneda? Please?"
"I'll just see if he's in his room. Hang on…"
Footsteps, walking away from him, leaving him alone. He was shaking and he couldn't stop. And his thoughts had gone nuts – oh Kai oh Kai oh please be all right, please, please –
"Who is it?"
"Kaneda? It's Yamagata."
"Uh…hi. Um…why're you calling?"
"I just wondered…you seen Kai tonight?"
"Thought he was supposed to be with you. Didn't you say to him to come round?"
Kaneda sounded so calm. Yamagata wished so bad he could be too.
"Yeah…and he ain't here. And it's like three hours since he left the Harukiya."
"Well…maybe he went to find some fun or something."
"On foot? Without us?"
"I guess…" Kaneda sighed. "You think…something happened to him?"
"I…yeah. Yeah, I do."
"Okay. I'll get my bike, and see you at your place in five."
Screw you, you fucking bastards…
Screw you, you fucking bastards…
Over and over again, with his eyes jammed shut and his teeth digging into his lip. He'd been like this for so long, years it seemed, years and years, and so his mind wasn't really noticing his body any more, it had curled up and slept while they hurt the rest of him. And every time he thought he couldn't go on…he'd have to scream or something…he said that phrase again, and it froze the misery, stopped it in its tracks. He had a whole throatful of frozen pains now.
Screw you…
Screw –
Wait.
Had it stopped? He gingerly let himself feel, just a bit, just a little. Feel and hear.
"See ya, honey!"
"Real good lay! Call me!"
And laughter. So much laughter.
And the roar of engines.
And then…
Then…silence.
He waited some more, and some more, in case this was a trick, in case they were hanging around to see what he'd do.
Then he sat up a little, and still nothing happened. The cars roared past him at the end of the alleyway, burning through his eyes into his pounding head, punches of light.
And then he dressed himself again, his hands frozen with damp and shaking too much, and still nothing happened.
And then – then everything seemed to go twisty and echoey, and he felt sick to his stomach a moment as the world hopped on its axis.
And then he was back on the ground again, the rain cold-slicing on his face, seeping through his already soaked shirt. But still nothing happened.
"Kai?"
"Kai, where are you?"
Yamagata and Kaneda walked down the street, their feet splashing through the shards of puddle round the paving stones.
"Harukiya's that way, right?" Kaneda asked. "So he'd have walked down this road."
"Uh-huh." Yamagata didn't want to look into the shadows around him. You didn't know – you didn't want to know – what you might see – what might have happened –
"Kai!" Kaneda hollered again. "Just answer, okay?"
If he can answer – no, don't think like that, he's okay, he's gotta be…
Yamagata swallowed, and was glad of the rain. Any tears could be blamed on it.
They were getting close to the Harukiya. If they got to it and they still hadn't found him…Yamagata shuddered. What the hell'd they do then?
Maybe he's back home now…maybe he's waiting for me…
That was a stupid idea, a dumb dream, but it was so nice…it would be so, so nice…
The alley was on their right, and Kaneda had stopped to look into it, while Yamagata stared at the puddles round his feet, and tried to stay calm.
Then Kaneda said, "I – I think – yeah, his bike's in there! And – oh, shit –"
Yamagata turned and stared into the alley himself. It was blocked with thick darkness, but then a car rushed past, tore the dark away a moment – and he saw, lying on the ground, a small, skinny figure, and he knew.
"Kai!"
He ran over to him, knelt down, and yes, it was him, but suddenly he was crying because he was so horrified. Blood, blood diluted by rain, Kai's face was swollen, twisted, muddy, and he'd bitten so hard on his lower lip that more blood had oozed down his chin. Yamagata touched his face, and it was cold, and suddenly he was screaming.
Kai was freezing. The cold had eaten its way into him and was trying to split him in half. He felt like he'd drowned.
Maybe he had. Maybe this was death.
Then who else had died? Why were they crying out like that?
No…he knew that voice…
Slowly, he began to rise upwards, towards the faint sound.
Another voice now.
"Calm down, dammit…calm down…"
And hands, damp, firm hands, tilting his head gently to the side, touching the point at his jaw where he dimly remembered a pulse.
"He's alive. He's alive…"
"Kai…"
"Look, he just got jumped, okay? Yamagata, you gotta calm down! You're like hysterical! Now listen. If he's real hurt, we need to go call an ambulance –"
No. Ambulance people were smart. They'd figure out what had happened, and he couldn't let them.
He forced his eyes open, and saw light rippling on rainwater.
"Kai?"
Two people, both crouching by him. Kaneda, looking determined, tense, and…
Yamagata. So frightened, suddenly so young. Kai tried to get up, to hug him and tell him it was okay, but he couldn't seem to move properly.
"Kai," Kaneda said. "You all right?"
He shook his head before he could think, before he could decide to pretend.
"I think we should go call –"
Kai tried to sit up. He was fine. He was fine. He just hurt. He hurt –
"No…I'm all right…" he whispered, and flecks of blood fell from his face as he spoke.
His throat rasped, ached like he'd torn it. He remembered, in horrible detail, choking when they'd kicked him in the stomach – to uncurl him – to get the jump on him – it had happened – it had really happened –
"The Clowns?" Kaneda said.
He nodded.
"Bastards. Don't worry, we'll fix 'em, we'll fix 'em good."
"Don't…" Kai swallowed, and tried to remember more words. "Don't tell…don't call anyone…I'm fine…"
"You are not," Kaneda said. "Where'll you go if not hospital?"
"He…he could come home with me," Yamagata said slowly, and Kai saw tears on his face, shiny in the lights. "It's not far…I could look after him, and then if there was something wrong I could call."
"Okay," Kaneda said. "Let's go."
That walk seemed so crazy, like a bad dream…cars roaring and rain hissing like banshees in his ears. When he tried to stand up, he hurt so much he nearly fell, and the other two had to hold him by the arms to stop him. And the lights were so bright and yet underneath everything was still dark, always dark. Sometimes the pain rose up and up and up until it seemed like it would burst out of him like a bloodstained plant, but then it subsided again, then he could feel other things, like the water seeping through his shoes, like Yamagata's hand, warm and frightened, on his arm. But even that didn't stop the cold. It tore through him viciously like waves trying to shatter his skin.
"I'll…um, get back then," said Kaneda as they stood at the doorway of Yamagata's room. "You look like you need some sleep, Kai."
Kai wanted to respond, but he couldn't think how to, so he just kept staring at the skirting board, which was grubby and speckled with acne-like graffiti.
Yamagata nodded. "Thanks."
"No problem. Just call if you need me, I am always here…" He grinned, and walked down into the darkness at the bottom of the stairs.
Yamagata pushed open the door, helped Kai into the dark room, and flicked on the light, which sent a feeble dribble of light over a few square foot of ceiling.
"Kai?" he said. "Um – you wanna sleep, or what? You ought to put some dry clothes on or summat, you could catch…hypoallergica or whatever it is."
Hypothermia, Kai thought but didn't say, and a shiver rattled through his body. He could feel dirt and blood sticking to his face.
And his skin was crawling, wriggling away from him. It didn't want to be near someone that had had this happen to them. He couldn't blame it. He didn't want to be near someone like that either.
"Can I…have a shower?" he asked. He was a little shocked at how flat he sounded. How dead.
"Yeah, sure…bathroom's down the corridor, third on the right."
Yamagata was frightened. Kai knew it. But he couldn't say whatever would make the other guy not frightened. Whatever he said was just going to make them all feel worse.
The bathroom was dark. The bulb had been smashed, and rain spat against the small, grubby window, grinning with the streetlights.
Kai suddenly didn't want to get undressed. Outside the storm and the darkness moaned and rattled to come in.
A hiss of a car on a damp road –
A memory yowled behind his eyes and suddenly he was gritting his teeth against some threat he couldn't even see.
Taking your clothes off was too dangerous –
He walked over to the sink, ran some icy water into it and washed his face. Specks of dirt and blood speckled the cracked porcelain, and the water glinted as he stared at it.
His face in the mirror didn't look like him any more; it was like one of them was a stranger. And yet it had to be him, who else was it?
Looked like he'd drowned, his skin pale and frozen, set into stillness like a mask. His eyes suddenly so dark and the only part that still looked real. His face didn't want to tell anyone anything, that had to be it. His face was keeping the secret.
Only how could it when the rest of him gave it away? Even in the dark he could see the mud and water smearing and soaking his shirt and tie and jacket. He liked keeping clean. He liked looking neat. He knew that and so did everyone else, and going around all dirty would be like hanging a sign round his neck saying Something Weird Happened –
Guess you don't look so smart now
And the dirt had soaked through his clothes and stuck to his skin, and then sunk through that and filled his insides. If they chopped him down the middle it'd be like bursting a bottle of scummy water. And it hurt –
He couldn't walk back into Yamagata's room with that all over him. It wouldn't be fair…it would be like – like contamination. It would hurt Yamagata too. He had to take a shower, get out of his soaked clothes, put on the pyjamas Yamagata had loaned him and be normal again. No sweat. He'd done that sort of stuff a bunch of times.
So why did it suddenly seem so hard?
He didn't want to do anything. He just wanted to curl up, shut his eyes against the dark, and not move. Movement would mean admitting he was alive and part of the world. And if he admitted that, he'd have to admit what happened. To be part of the world meant to be part of its people too. He'd have to tell people –
No!
Thunder again and suddenly he was trying to cry out. He clenched his fists and forced the sound away, back down into the darkness, and took a deep breath.
"Oh, great," he said to himself. "Now you're scared of the weather? That really is pathetic. Look. Just – just get on with it and then you can get out of here."
I can't…I don't want to do anything…
So you're gonna stay here all night?
Better than having to see any people –
They scared you that much?
Screw you, you fucking bastards –
And that made his thoughts freeze again, and he could move.
His jacket was heavy with rain, and it oozed water when he dropped it onto the floor. Under his sleeves his arms ached, and bruises were starting to swell on them like ghosts, and he wouldn't remember how he'd got the bruises, he wouldn't – he wouldn't –
He'd liked these clothes. They'd been comfortable, safe, trustworthy, and now they'd betrayed him because they knew too much. Knowledge and memory spilled down them in rain.
The shower water was icy cold, but it did get the grime off. Froze it off more like, froze it and numbed him. Numb was good. But the pain was still there, just not so strong. And he felt so horribly different. Like he'd just been almost killed, or like – something else – had happened –
The wrongness wouldn't come off his skin. He tried not to care, clenched his teeth and repeated his mantra over and over again. Finally he stepped out of the shower, knowing it hadn't helped a bit.
Yamagata's pyjamas were warm, and about three sizes too big for him. They covered his feet and hands. He wrapped his arms around himself, and tried to remember how he felt about the owner of these clothes. But he couldn't. The feelings were too far away.
The rain had stopped, leaving a clear, silent night.
The room was silent too. Streetlights rushed across the walls every so often. Kai was still awake – Yamagata could see him – and the lights glinted in his eyes.
Ask him what happened.
I can't. Anyway, I know what happened. They jumped him and beat him up like the cowardly bastards they are. I don't need – I don't want any gory details, thanks.
You know something else happened, because he's so quiet. They've hurt him somehow, hurt him really really bad.
I don't want to know. I don't want to know any of it.
He was leaning against the wall, looking down at Kai, who was curled up in his bed. Their eyes must have met any number of times, but Kai's never flickered.
Like he's a ghost.
Yamagata yawned, and shivered at the thought. What if it was a ghost? What if they'd never actually found him, what if he was dead and this was just some weird-ass hallucination? Or a dream, because he'd been so scared – so desperate –
No. Stop it, this was just weird and stupid. Kai wasn't dead, he was here and everything was all right.
He glanced at Kai's silent, dull eyes.
No it isn't.
He sat down against the wall, and wondered if the night was ever gonna end. Maybe they'd just stay in here for ever and ever. Maybe they were both dead.
Weird and stupid again. But thoughts like this woke up when it was dark.
His eyes felt better closed, and the blackness didn't change much anyway. He didn't like looking at Kai, it was worrying him too much, so he sat blind, and listened to him breathe instead so that he'd know the guy was still there.
Weird and stupid…weird and stupid…
In his head, he was asking Kai what had happened, trying to find out, and Kai wouldn't tell him. And then he said I know what they did to you. They killed you, didn't they? and Kai shook his head, but his face was grey and Yamagata knew it was dead, and then as he cried out, Kai started screaming. And somehow the screams led Yamagata out from his dream room back into his real room – but didn't stop – Kai's eyes were closed, but he still yelled –
"Stop it, please, please I'll do anything oh, please, just stop it, stop it!"
And then he gasped, and then gritted his teeth as if he'd said too much, and then started sobbing, harsh painful sobs that were like bullets in Yamagata's ears.
"Kai," he called, reaching up to him, "Kai, wake up! You gotta wake up, it's a dumb dream, that's all. Wake up!"
He shook him, gently, and Kai blinked, and opened his eyes, and looked round to stare at Yamagata.
"A dream?" he said.
"Uh-huh."
"Oh, shit…" Kai sat up a little, rubbed Yamagata's too-large pyjama sleeve across his face. "Oh, shit. I thought – I thought it was real…I couldn't speak, you see? If I did, I'd let them win. But I couldn't – I couldn't keep quiet…not this time…and I thought…"
"Yeah, but it's only a dream. So it didn't matter." Yamagata climbed up onto the bed. "Dreams suck."
What did they do? he wanted to ask. Only now a horrible idea was growing inside him, an idea sick and clammy when you thought of it, an idea he really, really wanted to be wrong about.
Kai crawled over to Yamagata, rested his head against his chest. He was still crying slightly, little sobs that shook his shoulders.
"Sorry," he said at last.
"What for?" Yamagata put an arm round him, stroked his shoulder blades.
"Waking you up."
"I don't mind. My dreams sucked too."
What happened? What did they do to you?
"Kai," he said. "Uh…you know, I don't wanna upset you…but…what did they do? Why're you so…wrecked? You been in fights before…"
Kai drew a deep breath, but then was silent. He didn't pull away though, so Yamagata took that as a good sign, and kissed his forehead while he waited.
Then Kai broke free, and sat, staring down at the shadows of the blankets, and sighed.
"You don't want to know," he said. "And it ain't important, and I'm fine. And you'll be mad. And it's dumb anyway."
"Course I want to know. I got to know."
Kai clenched his fists, gripping folds of the blankets in each one.
"They fucked me," he said at last.
For a moment Yamagata couldn't take it in. Then, slowly, coldly, it began to seep through his mind, and he found himself trembling.
He'd thought – but he hadn't actually believed –
"They beat me up, and then they took turns fucking my brains out," Kai said, and his voice was cold and he was gripping the blankets tighter and tighter. "They said I wasn't a biker, I was more like a girl who rides on the back of one. And we all know what they do to girls like that."
"Why?" Yamagata whispered. "Why – why'd they say that? They –"
"They knew," Kai said. "They knew about us. They'd seen us."
Yamagata tried to hold down the feelings – rage, horror, shock, he didn't know what – that were rising up into his throat.
"No," he said. "Please…no."
"Look, I think I know whether it happened or not!" Kai yelled, turning to face him. "I think I can guess what's going on when that sort of thing happens! I didn't exactly lie there in that damn alley and think, hey, let's make up a really good story to freak the others out with!"
He choked for breath, and the blanket tightened between his hands, and then he carried on speaking, voice thick with rage.
"But, you know, when four drug-crazed bikers decide to leap on you, there's not much you can do! So sorry. I can't tell you it didn't happen, I can't tell you it was all a dream, because that's what I want, and let me tell you, it's not gonna happen! I want it really, really bad, and it's not gonna happen, and, and it never will!"
Then he buried his face in his sleeves, and sank down into the bed.
"Kai?" Yamagata whispered. "I'm sorry…I'm sorry…I didn't mean it like that, I just didn't want it to be true. Please, Kai? I'm sorry…"
Kai turned to look at him. His face was shiny with tears and bruises.
"It's okay," he whispered at last. "I know…"
He put an arm round Yamagata.
"Stay here?" he whispered. "I know the bed's kind of small, but…just stay, just be here…"
"Course I will."
"Nothing else. Not exactly the right time, huh?" He laughed slightly, or maybe it was another sob. "It's just…you're nice and warm…"
"Just call me your hot-water bottle," Yamagata said. He kissed him again, and then lay there, waiting, while Kai's eyes slowly closed.
His own eyes wouldn't, not any more. So he lay, watching the streetlights jump across the ceiling, and listening to the roar and music of cars, far away, and Kai's slow breathing.
It was so dark tonight. And so…not lonely, something else…so painful. He couldn't remember ever feeling this sorry and angry over someone else. It was like he'd been punched, really, really hard, and it wouldn't stop hurting.
Eventually he slept again, but his dreams were confused, his room and the Clowns and Kai and rain and bikes all mixed up together and bubbling in his brain. He woke several times, and each time had to check that Kai was still there, still next to him, that nothing horrible had happened. Well, nothing more horrible. One time, Kai had woken up too, his eyes screaming, and they'd both stared at each other, and just hugged, for a long time, until Kai had fallen asleep again. And Yamagata had gazed down at him and thought how weird it was that he cared so much about this guy. Just another person, it was, and yet he'd do anything for him – anything – and especially anything that got rid of tonight and turned it into nothing more than a dream, a stupid, horrible dream…
And then, finally, he opened his eyes, and it was morning.
Kai was still asleep, looking like a kid curled up in the blankets. A kid with a really shit home life, that was. At the sight of the bruises, which had come up during the night, Yamagata felt rage, tight in his hands and arms and round his chest. He'd kill those Clowns. He'd go find 'em and kill 'em, beat them over and over again until their skulls cracked and their teeth flew all over the pavement like snow. He'd kill them. They deserved it.
They did it because of…us.
The anger carried him along, telling him that that just made 'em dumb bastards as well as evil violent bastards. Dumb rapist bastards – but he didn't like thinking that second word, because applying it to Kai was just horrible. But deep down – deep down –
Freaks, bad people, not real boys, they deserve whatever they get –
No one deserved this!
It wasn't our fault. It wasn't.
But they'd seen him and Kai, together. Someone had actually seen them. Someone – well, four someones, Kai had said – four! – knew that they were…knew what they were. And he was frightened again, someone had stood and watched them and he hadn't even noticed. Oh, they were in trouble. They were in big trouble.
No. He wouldn't let those Clowns scare him. He'd never let the Clowns scare him before and he wasn't starting now. He wasn't scared. Maybe it was okay to be scared of your parents – and his scar nipped at his skin – but not just a bunch of two-bit crackheads. No way.
But he should've noticed them watching. Then maybe he could have stopped it…
I wish I could've stopped it…
Kai yawned, and his blackened eyes flickered open.
"Hey," Yamagata called. "Uh…how are you?"
Kai considered a moment, then said, "Less tired."
"You…gonna get up?"
"I guess I should."
He climbed out of bed, slowly, wincing as he did; ran a hand through his tangled hair, and picked up his clothes, which they'd put on the radiator the night before.
"Don't tell the others," he said, still staring at the clothes.
"Ain't that my line?"
"I mean it," Kai snapped. "I don't wanna talk about it. I don't want them asking why."
"But – I thought it happened cos –"
"Exactly." Kai spat out the word. "They don't like fags. So if our lot had come across a pair of gay Clowns, what would they've done?"
"They – they wouldn't –"
"How'd you know? You're the one who said you didn't want to tell them before, you didn't know how they'd act. And now I don't want to tell them either. So we agree. Ain't that nice?"
"But…" He stopped, confused. No, he didn't want to tell. "You…"
"I know I used to want to tell. But then I didn't know what some people do when they find out that stuff."
"So you're scared, now?" Yamagata said, and winced as he heard the meanness in his voice, because why shouldn't Kai be scared?
You're scared too and he's got it much worse than you now, at least dad never did nothing like that.
Kai tensed, and bit his lip.
"Yeah," he said. "Yeah, I am. Wouldn't you be?"
"I – I guess…but…"
"I don't get it. Why are you suddenly changing your mind?" Kai dropped his clothes back onto the radiator, and sighed. "You were so positive we had to keep it secret."
"I…yeah…I just…you know."
I'm changing my mind because we're keeping it secret…because we are scared…the Clowns have made him scared and he never used to be…and I hate letting other bastards win…
But the thoughts were too thin and flickery to make into words, so he kept them quiet. And the scar reminded him he didn't want to tell either. That he wasn't allowed to tell.
But I don't let anyone else tell me what to do…
That thought was very faint, just a whisper, but he heard it all the same.
Kai shook his head.
"Hey, you know what?" he said. "Actually, I – I don't feel like getting up after all…I think I'll…just stay in bed a little while."
"Why?"
"Quit asking questions all the time!" Kai yelled. "I just do, is all!" He drew a deep, shaking breath. "See? This is why we can't tell 'em…they'd be in fucking hysterics if they knew a bunch of dumb Clowns had made me – made me too scared to get dressed…"
He swallowed, and rubbed a hand across his eyes.
"Go on," he snapped. "Laugh if you want, but I never want to wear those clothes again, I don't want them touching me, I can't – and – and –"
Yamagata wanted to go and break something because the anger hurt so much, but he tried to hide it, and spoke in a normal, if slightly tense voice.
"I ain't laughing. I'll go round to your place, if you want. Get you some others. You wouldn't want to wear those anyway. They're all dirty."
"Yeah. Yeah, that's it." Kai slumped down onto the bed, stared at his bare feet. "Shit, I feel so dumb!"
"Why?"
"I shouldn't…be like this. You know that."
"You wouldn't be if they just slapped you around a bit, but they didn't. And that's why we gotta tell something to the others. They're bound to guess…or they'll just assume you're freaking out for no reason."
Kai didn't answer. He just sat, staring. Yamagata longed to hold him, to kiss him, to try and make him smile like them kissing had done before. Give him back the expression he'd had when they'd walked out of the Harukiya. But it was like Kai was behind glass. Or made of glass, one of those statues you didn't touch unless you wanted to accidentally smash it and get yelled at.
"Kai?" he said at last, sitting down next to him. "Uh…do you…are we…"
"What're you trying to say?"
"Do we have to go back to being just friends?" Yamagata spilled the words out as fast as he could, because he didn't like them at all. "I mean, you know, couple stuff mayn't be, like, the best thing for you right now…"
Kai looked at him a moment, then shook his head.
"Not friends," he said. "We couldn't ever be just friends. But…I dunno…"
He wriggled a little closer to Yamagata, took his hand.
"I keep thinking about it," he said. "And then – then feeling really sick. And that doesn't exactly make me feel like…doing anything else with you…but…I don't just want to be friends, no way. I – just don't leave me. Please…"
"Course I won't leave you, you prat." Yamagata lifted their clasped hands. "See? I can stand not doing stuff. I'll just hang around and be real boring."
Kai laughed, and suddenly hugged him.
"That'll be cool," he whispered. "That'll be really cool."
Suddenly there was a bang on the door, and Kaneda's voice, yelling, "Yamagata? Kai? You in there?"
The two of them jumped apart, and Yamagata got to his feet.
Outside on the landing stood Tetsuo, Kaneda, and the rest of the gang.
"We came to see how Kai was," Kaneda said. "Did you have to pack him off to hospital?"
"Nah. He was…fine."
Lying was getting so hard these days.
"I guess you wanna come in?" He stood back, and let them file into his room.
Kai looked up as everyone entered, and swallowed. "Hey, guys."
"Hey." Kaneda leant on the front of the bed. "So, uh, how are you?"
"Fine."
"You don't look fine," Tetsuo said. "You look like you got hit in the face with a wrecking ball."
"Well, I am fine. Bruises look worse than they are, okay?"
"So…can you come out riding tonight?" Kaneda asked.
"I have a bike?"
"Yup." Kaneda smirked. "I drove yours home after we found you. And I'm still alive, so I don't think they did anything to it. Not bad, huh?"
"Cool." Kai's voice was going dead again. Yamagata wished the others would leave. Kai couldn't handle them at the moment.
"Aw, come on, life's not that bad, is it?" Kaneda frowned. "You look really screwed up."
"I am not screwed up," Kai snapped, his hands curling into fists. "I am fine. Okay? I'm just…kind of tired today. Didn't sleep too well cos of his snoring –" indicating Yamagata.
"But you can come out tonight, right?" Kaneda said. "We need to teach 'em a lesson, they got way too smug now."
"Yeah," Tetsuo said. He was frowning. "When me and Kaneda rode here this morning, we passed two of 'em, didn't we? We gave chase, but they were yelling stuff at us all the way about how they got you."
Kai went suddenly very pale, and the bruises on his face flared up like a scatter of stones.
"Stuff?" he said, and his voice sounded like it was hurting him. "What sort of stuff?"
"Oh, you know, just stuff." Tetsuo looked puzzled. "The normal sort of stuff guys yell when they score points off each other."
"Oh, yeah," Kai said. "Point-scoring. That's all it is, isn't it?"
"Sure it is," Kaneda said. "And don't worry, we're gonna get our points back. Next time we catch one of 'em, we'll do exactly what they did." He slammed a fist into his palm.
"Course you will," Kai said, and his voice had gone flat again.
"Well, you could try and sound a bit happier."
"Sorry."
"You coming into school today?"
"No. No, I'll…be off sick, I think." He grinned, weakly. "You gotta have some compensation."
"Damn straight," Kaneda said. "Okay, then, but don't get too lazy. You wanna make some Clown jam tonight, right?"
"Mm."
Kaneda shook his head. "You really are tired. I guess we better go, guys. Yamagata, you coming?"
Yamagata shook his head. "I gotta make sure Kai doesn't trash the place, right?"
He waited until the others had left, then closed the door behind them, and sighed.
Kai was resting his face in his hands, and he sighed as well.
"I didn't realise how hard that was gonna be," he said.
Yamagata came to sit next to him. "I guess it wasn't fun, but don't worry. They won't be like that always, they'll have forgotten by next week."
Kai swallowed. "How the hell can I go near the Clowns? They'll – they'll say stuff. They'll blab it all out and that is one conversation I do not want. And don't say we should tell first, I don't need that conversation either."
"Well…" Yamagata tried to think of something else to say. "Maybe they won't say exactly what they did. I mean, you said it wasn't all of 'em, right?"
"Uh-huh. Yeah, they said – they said something about how Joker had wanted to just smash my bike, but – but they'd wanted to use it as a trap. He mightn't be totally happy with them…maybe."
"Yeah. Maybe they didn't tell him any details. Or anything. Anyway, you know, you could just say they were making it up. Right?"
"I wish I was that good a liar. Once they say it, Kaneda and the others, they'll figure why I'm acting so weird. You know they will."
"So they'll be sorry for you. Like I am."
"I wish."
Kai slowly lay back on the bed, and closed his eyes.
They'll find out. They'll have to find out.
Kai's thoughts scurried about behind his eyes like frightened chickens.
They'll find out and there's nothing I can do. And it won't be just what happened, it'll be why it happened, and they'll know. And what if they do think the same as those Clowns, underneath? What if they think I was a wimp? They'll say I should have stopped it somehow, because that sort of thing don't happen to real guys. Oh, yeah, but I'm not, am I? Cos real guys like girls. And then I'll be on my own again for good and then I'll keep remembering and I can't live like that – I can't – I can't –
Too many thoughts, too fast. They shoved and scratched at his mind. He couldn't deal with them. How could he, there was nothing he could do about any of this, was there? All he could do was lie there and wait…lie there and wait…yeah, you're good at that…
Couldn't make them stop, couldn't move – and nearly screaming and they noticed that and were hurting him more and more trying to make him actually snap –
"Kai, snap out of it!"
Kai wrenched his eyes open, took a deep, slow breath. "What?"
Yamagata stared down at him, and shook his head. "You are so not fine."
Kai shrugged. "I was – I was…" He swallowed, feeling tears crawl up his throat. He wasn't going to cry again, he wasn't.
"Look, there ain't no way they won't guess something's wrong." Yamagata was holding him, hands caressing his back, and then he kissed him gently. "You're a wreck."
"And I'll be even more of a wreck once my friends abandon me. Look, don't bother, okay? I'll be fine."
He didn't feel fine. He felt like someone had jumped on him. Every time he breathed, there was a stab of pain from the bruises over his ribs. In fact, he felt like he'd turned into nothing more than a bruise. Hurting inside and out, so bad. Maybe they hadn't – done what they'd done at all. Maybe they'd just taken a rusty butcher's knife and disembowelled him.
No. He didn't feel fine.
And Yamagata looked like he'd figured that out, because he shook his head, and said, "Liar."
