Chapter Nine – I Just Wanted To Be Normal

(All characters except Chip © Katsuhiro Otomo.  Please r+r!)

The sun was setting, blazing bright light over Neo-Tokyo.  Over everywhere except the inside of the Harukiya, which was as dark and close as it was all year round.

            The Capsules were lurking at one of the tables in an awkward silence.  Yamagata had persuaded Kai to come out with them for the evening, but now he was wondering if maybe that had been a bad idea.  As usual, Kai was acting like he was partially shut down, saying nothing except to answer questions put to him, and then only with one or two dull words.  By this point in the evening, most of the guys had grown impatient with him, and had stopped talking to him at all. 

            Kai didn't seem to care much though.  All he was doing was staring at the table, tracing some ancient graffiti on it with a finger. 

            Kaneda was definitely getting impatient.  He kept glancing at Kai, and Yamagata was prepared to bet it was only a matter of time before he grabbed Kai by the collar, shook him, and yelled Why are you being such a zombie?

            And, of course, Kai would just shrug him off with that old, stupid lie; I'm fine.

            You're not fine and I can't help you to be fine.  Yamagata sighed, and stared down at the table himself.  These past two weeks – since it had happened – he'd been feeling more and more angry.  Angry because he was worried, because Kai was sinking fast, because he looked so damn dead, like inside his mind had collapsed and was being bled out in all the tears.  He was trying to pretend he didn't need to cry, he'd do it when he thought Yamagata was out of the room, or asleep – but Yamagata wasn't that dumb.  Even when he missed the actual tears, he saw the red eyes afterwards.

            And the others just thought Kai was being a wimp.

            Yamagata sighed.  He had to do something about this.  All of this.

            He wanted to lean over to Kai, grab him and kiss him till they both got dizzy – maybe that would shut the others up – but he was resisting the temptation.  Kai would kill him if he didn't. 

            He sighed again, and leant back on his chair, staring round at the Harukiya.  This place seemed too small.  And too dark.  He'd much rather be out riding, where you could go anywhere and do anything and nobody, nobody could stop you.  And he knew how to ride.  None of this feeling powerless.  Riding was easy, and so was chasing…and so was bashing in the heads of certain Clowns…

            Instead he was stuck practically underground, forced to watch his friends treat his boyfriend like an idiot, and it was driving him mad.  The fury growled inside him, and he let it turn into hate, hate for the dark and the stoners lying on the benches and the barman and the skinny kid sweeping the floor, hate for everyone and everything – but no.  Not Kai, not Kai sitting next to him, taking an unenthusiastic sip of his drink.  Not Kai.

            "How much longer you guys gonna be here?" the barman snapped to them.  "Those tables could be used by people who buy proper drinks."

            "What, you mean those saps who actually believe this stuff's legit?" Yamagata called.  "Don't insult us."

            The barman scowled, and called to the kid, "Chip, you get the new case of glasses up from the cellar?"

            "I'm getting right on it," the kid sneered, dropping his broom.  "Sir."

            Suddenly there was a crash.  Kai had dropped his glass.  He sat, eyes wide with horror, staring at the kid who was sauntering out to the back of the bar.

            "Kai?" Kaneda said at last.  "What's happened?"

            Kai swallowed, slowly, and gripped one hand with the other.  Yamagata noticed that both were trembling. 

            "Nothing…" he said at last.  "I'm fine…"

            "You look like you seen Jaws doing a striptease."

            There were a few sniggers, but Kai didn't join in.  "I'm fine," he said again.  "Fine."

            "If you say so," Kaneda said.  He glanced from Kai to Yamagata, then said, "Hey, anyone want another drink?  My round."

            As the others clustered around him to consider this, Yamagata was able to hiss to Kai, "What is it?"

            "It's him…"

            "Who?"

            "That guy…he's a Clown…he saw us, and he told them, and he, he…"

            "He was one of 'em?"

            Kai nodded.  He was biting his lip, and Yamagata could see tears in his eyes.  The anger roared up again, but under it there was pleasure because now he could do something.  At last. 

            "Right," he said.  "Hey, the alley we were in…that's how you get to the cellar, ain't it?"

            "I think.  But –"

            Yamagata leapt to his feet, and ran out of the bar.

Outside the sky was burning, and the sun was hot on his back and neck.  And there was the alley, dark, shady, covered in old beer bottles and crates.

            And there was the kid – Chip, that was it – coming up from the cellar door, holding another crate in his arms.

            Yamagata walked forward.

            "Hey, you," he called. 

            Chip turned.  "Yeah?"

            "You know who I am?"

            "You're one of those Capsule punks.  So what?"

            "And you're a Clown."

            "So?"  Chip's eyes flickered over Yamagata, taking in his height, the muscles in his arms and body, and the dark expression on his face.  "I – I'm off duty.  I just work here."

            "You're off duty?"  Yamagata walked closer, broken glass crunching under his feet.  "Funny.  That didn't seem to stop you before."

            "Huh?"  Chip swallowed.  "Dunno what you mean.  I know we're rivals…we're meant to fight.  What's so wrong with that?"

            "You don't fight.  You and three of your bastard pals sneak around like the fucking cowards you are and ambush –"

            It was so easy to say it.  Was this really what he'd been scared of all that time?

            "My boyfriend…down an alleyway."

            He'd done it.  

            He'd actually said it. 

            And nothing terrible had happened.  He was alive, the sun was still blazing, the scar lay dead on his side, and now he was gonna pound this guy.

            "Or have you forgotten?" he said.

            Chip shrugged.  "You got the wrong guy."

            Yamagata marched forward and hauled the Chip up to face level by the shirt front.  "No.  I ain't.  He recognises you."

            Chip swallowed again, then his eyes narrowed.  "Get off me, okay?  So we have turf wars.  We fight.  Why're you so uptight about it?"

            "My team fight.  Yours attack four on one and trick people by usin' their bikes as bait.  Remember that, too?"  Yamagata tightened his grip on Chip's shirt.

            "Okay, whatever.  Just get over it, okay?"  The sunset glowed on Chip's sweaty face.  "Quit picking on me.  I didn't do anything –"

            "You had the idea.  You saw us.  You set him up.  You did everything and I'm gonna make you suffer for it."

            Chip licked his lips.  "So – so what?  I woulda thought you'd be grateful – we gave him a good time, didn't we –"

            That did it.  Yamagata punched him so hard he half-expected he'd end up wearing Chip's head as a bracelet.

            Chip gave a squeak of pain, swayed a little, then slammed his fist up into Yamagata's jaw.  But the rage was so strong it numbed him, and he was able to ignore the punch, slam Chip back against the alley wall, and beat him over and over again.  There was a silvery crash as the crate of glasses hit the ground.

            "Bastard…fucking bastard…"

            Couldn't see, couldn't think, nothing but rage, red, blazing, choking him…

            "Bastard…"

            "Yamagata?"

            Rage…

            "Yamagata, quit it!"

            Someone grabbed his arm as he drew it back to punch again.  He whirled to hit them…then recognised Kaneda, and stopped, and slowly the alley slid back into his vision.  The sun had almost set, and the shadows were darker now, and cooler.

            Chip sprawled at his feet, gasping and spitting.

            The others were standing around, everyone gaping.  Yamagata didn't bother to look at them – all he could see was Kai, who stood at the back, pale and silent.

            "What the fuck are you doing?" Kaneda said.  "Why're you beating up the bottle-washer?"

            "He's a Clown, and he – he jumped Kai that time.  He tipped 'em off that he was leaving here."  The words were short, sharp, and Yamagata couldn't see any point in saying them.  Talking seemed fake.  He'd rather punch.

            "You could've killed him," Tetsuo said, eyes wide.  "I never seen you get so mad.  Why did you?"

            Yamagata shrugged.  Kai was staring at him, and he looked terrified.

            "No reason," he said.

            Oh, there's a reason…a damn good reason…

            But no.  Kai was begging him, and he'd promised. 

            Then –

            "There's…there's a reason…"

            Chip gasped out the words.  Blood was running down his chin like raindrops down a broken window.

            "We…we fucked his boyfriend," he choked.  "That's a pretty good reason."

            Then his eyes rolled up, and he collapsed against the wall, speckling it with dark red drops.

            There was a long silence. 

            "There are way, way too many things wrong with that sentence," Kaneda said at last.

            Yamagata felt like he'd just misjudged a jump and ended up falling.  His stomach was doing flips.

            "Mm," he said.  "You could say that."

            "He – he must've meant girlfriend," Tetsuo said.  "He's pretty confused.  He must've meant girlfriend.  Mustn't he.  Right?"

            "Um.  Well.  Uh.  You know."  Yamagata couldn't stop staring at Kai, who'd gone bone white, and seemed to be trying to melt away into the darkness.

            "No," Kaneda said.  "We don't."

            "Is it anything to do with Suki?" Tetsuo asked.

            Yamagata considered that idea for a moment, before deciding it would be way too confusing.  Not to mention he wasn't that good a liar.

            "No," he said.  "No, it's nothing to do with Suki."

            "I hate Twenty Questions," Kaneda muttered.

            "In that case, let's all go back inside," Yamagata said quickly.  "It's getting cold, and I want another drink –"

            "Yamagata," Tetsuo said, "you have to tell us."

            "I – I can't."  Yamagata stared at Kai.  "It's just…you know.  Stuff."

            "This is getting dumb!" Kaneda yelled suddenly.  "Look, Yamagata, answer me one question.  Without saying 'you know'.  Do you, or do you not, have a boyfriend?"

            Yamagata took a deep breath, and stared up at the sky a moment.

            Kai – I'm sorry –

            Dad – I ain't –

            "Yeah," he said.  "I do."

            Kai's eyes widened, and then he sighed, and his head dropped, and Yamagata couldn't see his face any more.

            "You what?" Kaneda hollered.

            Yamagata tore his attention away from Kai with difficulty.  "I, that's me, have a boyfriend, that's a guy I'm going out with.  Geez, Kaneda, I know you're dumb, but –"

            Kaneda gave a small yelp that could best be described as ing?

            "You're a boy," he said.

            "Yeah."

            "But you…go out…with a boy."

            "Yeah.  And you know what?  Babies aren't brought by the stork.  Do I have to give you the entire Talk from Day One?"

            "So…you do have a boyfriend," Tetsuo said.

            "Ain't that what I just said?" Yamagata snapped. 

            "So…who is it?"

            Yamagata stared at Kai again.  What the hell can I say now?

            Kai was shaking.  He glanced from the guys, to Chip, to Yamagata, his eyes large and frightened.

            Then he straightened up, clenched his fists, and said, "Uh, guys?"

            "What is it?" Kaneda said without looking round.

            "Uh…I'm his boyfriend."

            "What?"

            "We're going out," Kai said, voice strained, staring at his feet again.  "We have been since the day after he had that crash."

            Kaneda's eyes bulged. 

            "Anything else anyone wants to tell me?" he snapped.  "Anyone else gay?  Anyone else got any relationships they forgot to mention?  Anyone, like, secretly psychotic?  Tetsuo, what about you?"

            "Kaneda, calm down."  Tetsuo was frowning again.  "Your eye's twitching."

            "I know, and it's driving me nuts –"  Kaneda slapped at his eye a few times.  "Okay.  Okay, I'm calm."  He glanced at Chip, then frowned.  "Hang on.  What exactly did he say about you guys…"

            "Kai?" Tetsuo said slowly.  "What – what did they do to you?"

            Kai elbowed his way forward, to the middle of the group.  The night had turned everyone into silhouettes, and they stood dark against the slate-coloured sky.  One streetlight flickered on, and sent drips of light over Kai's face.  He'd gritted his teeth, and his eyes were narrowed.

            Yamagata found his hands forming fists again.  Could Kai say it – and what would they do when they heard –

            "Oh, they didn't do anything bad," Kai snapped.  "And they had, like, perfectly good reasons for it.  They saw us, they saw us together.  They knew what a freak I am.  Freaks aren't real riders.  Freaks don't get to fight.  Freaks just get their brains fucked out because that's all they're good for."

            "They – they did – did that to – you?"  Tetsuo's voice snapped over the words like someone stamping on twigs.  "Shit, Kai…"

            The alley was silent again for a moment. 

            Then Kaneda laughed, shattering the silence, a harsh, forced laugh. 

            "They jumped your bones?" he said.  "Ha…man, they must have been desperate."

            Yamagata wanted to kill him.

            Kai stared at Kaneda a moment, strength slowly oozing out of his face.

            "Thanks a bunch," he said at last, and turned, and walked away.

            Yamagata stared at him a moment, then his rage tore itself free and snarled at Kaneda, "You stupid fucking moron, can't you ever fucking open your mouth without saying something dumb?"

            Kaneda scowled.  "Well, what was I meant to say?  It's not like I got loads of experience with this."

            "'I'm sorry,' might've been nice," Tetsuo said sarcastically.

            "Why the fuck should I say sorry?  I ain't done anything to him!"

            Yamagata couldn't listen to them any more.  He forced his way through the gang, out of the alley, and out onto the street.

            "Kai!"

            Where'd he gone? 

            He started running down the road.  There was a scraping of light left, which just made everywhere else seem really dark.

            "Kai?  Come on, it's me.  Where are you?"

            Darkness…darkness down this street…and his mind's eye painted blades of rain lashing through the sky…his skin tingled with imagined cold…and it was later…and Kai was gone, and something bad had happened…

            Happened here. 

            "Kai?"

            Kai was slumped against the wall of the alleyway.

            Yamagata tried to drown out the flashbacks, walked towards him. 

            "Kai, come on.  It's me."

            Kai looked up.  He was crying.

            "Come on.  Let's go home.  Or ride.  Or summat.  Don't sit here."
            "It's not raining," Kai said, to himself it seemed.  "It's not raining…and there's no one here…and nothing's happening…"

            "Course there ain't," Yamagata said, pulling him to his feet and trying to ignore the oozing shivers breaking out all over his body.  "You're totally safe with me.  Come on, let's go get our bikes."

            Kai glanced at him, his face blank, then nodded, and they began to walk back to the Harukiya.

            "I – uh – I'm sorry 'bout what happened," Yamagata said at last.

            "How d'you mean?"

            "Didn't figure on the guys all coming and finding out…and all that."

            Kai shrugged.  "Forget it."

            You don't mean that, Yamagata thought.

            "Thanks for speaking up, anyway," he said. 

            "S'okay.  Didn't have much choice, did I?"  He snapped out the second sentence. 

            "I'm sorry."

            "Oh, you would be, wouldn't you?" Kai suddenly yelled.  "When it's all your dumb fault this happened!"

            "No!"  Yamagata felt like he'd just been stamped on.  Automatically you denied everything.

            Kai turned to face him, quivering with rage.

            "You went after that Clown!" he yelled.  "You admitted it all to them.  You made me stand there and tell them all what happened!  You came along in the first place!  I just wanted to be normal!  I wish I'd never met you!  I wish you didn't exist!  I hate you!  Why couldn't you have just died on that bike?"

            Yamagata couldn't quite believe how much it hurt.  It was like someone had just stuck a knife in his chest and then wrenched it down and split him in two.

            "You – you don't mean that…" he said slowly.

            "Yes, I damn well do!"  Kai shouted it, his mouth crumpling with sobs, his voice cracking.  "You promised you wouldn't tell!  You promised!  And – and you just stood there and – they all think it's funny and – it's all right for you, no one ever laughs at you – no one would ever do nothing to you – I hate you – I hate you –"

            "Stop it –"

            "Just shut up and leave me alone!"

            Once Yamagata would have hit him, and they would have had a fight.  Now – now he couldn't hurt him.  He couldn't.  And if Kai wanted him to leave him alone – then fine.  He would.

            "All right," he said.

            He started to walk away, down towards his house, and waited until he'd heard Kai's footsteps start as he walked in the opposite direction.

            Then he turned back, and followed Kai all the way through the city, back to his house, and watched him walk inside, and then walked away from him properly, back to their bikes behind the Harukiya, and tried to ignore the hot tears trying to sting his eyes.

            Kai was right.  It was all his fault.  He'd been so keen to show he'd finally lost the fear – so keen to show he didn't care what anyone else thought of him – and so he'd blabbed everything out and hadn't even tried to keep it a secret…

            So damn stupid.  So what if he'd lost that fear now?  He had another.  He didn't need to curse the Capsules, or the Clowns, for hurting Kai.  He'd done good enough on that himself.

            The scar was nothing now, just dead skin.

Kai stumbled up the stairs, hardly seeing them.  He kept tripping and having to clutch the banisters.  Sooner or later he was going to fall and break his neck.

            Good.  Good.  Then it would just all stop.  Then it would be okay again.

            His room.  He stared at it numbly – at the streetlight squares smeared across the walls, at the shadows rushing over it – then staggered over to the bed, and sank down.

            Every time he remembered anything about this evening he felt sick.  Sick of himself and sick of everything.  He'd had to stand there – stand there and tell them all – tell them – see their faces – and Kaneda had thought it was funny –

            And then – then he'd said all that stuff – and Yamagata had looked so hurt, so horribly hurt – probably hated him now and no wonder –

            Why?  Why had he said that? 

            He told!  He told and he promised he wouldn't!  He promised…

            He didn't exactly have any choice – and you could've kept your mouth shut –

            But he wasn't angry now, he'd bled out the anger to Yamagata's face.  And it hadn't been Yamagata's fault…Chip had said it first…and he himself had spoken up too…no, he wasn't angry now.  Now he was just…lonely.

            Anyway, it didn't matter, it had happened now, and so Yamagata hated him, and so he was alone again, and so…it didn't matter, did it?  He was used to being alone.     

            Only the air was so quiet in this room.  It crowded in on him, rang with silence.

            Silence was good. 

            There wouldn't be any silence tomorrow.

            Some of them had actually looked sorry tonight.  But not Kaneda, of course.  To him it really was just funny.  And tomorrow it would be just funny for all of them, because Kaneda was the leader, and the others would copy him, and it would all become nothing more than a joke.

            You don't need to face them.  You could just stay here and…be on your own.

            And how long could he spend in here before he went crazy – or before someone dragged him out – or something else happened –

            There's other ways of hiding…like you thought on the stairs.  If you just fell…or if something else happened…then you'd never have to see any of them again…

            No.  No, he wasn't that desperate…he wasn't…stop it, stop it, that wasn't the way, it never was.

            Was it?

            It would be so easy.  Why bother to keep struggling when you ached all over because you were just so damn tired?  He'd be alone.  Alone at last.  Was that good or bad?  He couldn't tell any more.  He couldn't think.  Probably the headache from all the tears. 

            If you did it you'd never have to think again…

            That voice had to be wrong.  Had to be.

            Once, ages ago – in his first year at the Eighth District Vocational Training School – some kid had climbed up on the roof after a row with a teacher.  The entire school had scrambled out into the playground to take a look – Kai could still remember the sharp, wintry air flicking his hair – and the kid had started to play to the crowd – walking along the edge – bowing – they'd cheered and clapped.  Kai remembered doing it, grateful to the boy for brightening the day – for sticking up a finger at schools old and new (he'd only been expelled a few months before) –

            When had they realised something had gone wrong?

            When the tiny dark figure against the sky had frozen for a long moment – the cheering had stopped as people became puzzled – and then – then –

            Someone had screamed.

            And then the figure had stopped being a figure – and become a falling blur – and then turned into a mess –

            Kai had wondered what it had felt like – whether he'd realised he was going to die or whether, right to the end, he'd hoped something would save him – and how long it had taken – and how much it had hurt –

            Now, thinking in the darkness, he wondered whether he dared doing something similar.  And he walked through his mind, through the memories and tangled lines of his life – and wondered if he could cut himself loose from them –   

            One thing was stopping him.

            He didn't hate Yamagata…he didn't…

            Even if he was sick, so sick, of being weak in front of him; of Yamagata being sorry for him all the time; of having to be treated like a trauma victim who'd break any minute –

            It would still hurt too much to be dragged away from him.

            So he wouldn't break.  Well, not in the most final way.  He was staying alive.  If Yamagata didn't hate him, that was something to live for. 

            And if he did, well, you didn't need to let other people drag you down. 

           

When he awoke the next morning, he didn't feel any better.  The sun was blazing in through the window, hurting his sore eyes, and he felt even sicker now he had to actually make a decision about whether go face the others or not. 

            Most of him wanted to stay in here and hide.  Loneliness was easier than humiliation.

            But then he pictured his so-called friends, at school, laughing about how he was too scared to talk to them, and the sick hatred inside himself turned on them like plague.  No.  He wouldn't make it easy for them.  They'd have to face him.

            Of course, he'd have to face them as well, but he tried to ignore that.

            And Yamagata.  He'd have to face Yamagata.

            And whenever he saw Yamagata now, he ended up melting into tears and crying on his shoulder and he didn't want to be like that.  He was normal.  He was strong.  He was going to show he didn't need anyone to keep crying on.  He could cry perfectly well on his own…

            Let's go, he thought, and climbed out of bed.

It was getting hotter again, and Kai was sticky with sweat under his clothes.  Neo-Tokyo was curdling, and the school stank of sour milk.

            He saw the rest of the gang sitting in their normal spot in the parking lot, sprawled among their bikes.  That was a point – his own bike was still at the back of the Harukiya.  Or had been.

            Considering what he'd had to go through to get it back once, he'd be really, really pissed off if it was pinched again.

            Anyway.  Bikes.  And bikers.  He made out Kaneda, Tetsuo, several others, but Yamagata didn't seem to be there.

            Probably doesn't want to see you and no wonder. 

            Guilt blinked wearily in his overcrowded brain.

            "Hey," he said as he got closer.

            "Uh – hey, Kai."  Kaneda glanced at him quickly, then pretended to be very interested in his bike.  Although of course, there was always the possibility he really was very interested in his bike, Kai figured.  It wasn't unlikely.

            Tetsuo just stared at him a moment, then said, "Thought you wouldn't come in."

            "Why not?"

            "Well…you don't look too good."

            Kai was prepared to admit that.  He'd glanced at himself in a mirror before leaving.  His eyes were swollen, he seemed to be going for the crumpled look, and his face seemed a lot bonier than usual.  Did stress-related weight loss happen that fast?

            He'd tried to smile at himself, but it hadn't really worked.  In fact, smiling in general didn't really seem to be working.  It was like sticking a sign saying Party Animal on a corpse.

            "Well…I'm fine."

            "Good," Kaneda said, still staring at his bike.

            "You don't look fine," Tetsuo said, frowning.

            Kai sighed.  "Tetsuo, you are always saying that, and you don't need to.  So I'm not Superman-healthy.  It don't matter."

            "Okay, I get it."  Tetsuo shrugged, and turned his attention to his bike.  Kai wished he had his so he could do the same, but he didn't, so he glanced at the other bikers instead.  One gave him a rueful grin, two glanced away, and one scowled at the ground.  Hmm. 

            The world was aching with silence.  Why wasn't anyone saying anything?  He couldn't remember them ever being this quiet before. 

            A little difficult to have a casual conversation with a gay rape victim sitting in their midst.

            Yeah, that was probably true.

            Not that he was going to go away and make it easier.  It was the children's home all over again.

            But what could they say?

            You know…act normal…

            How can they?  You're not normal any more.

            The silence was really starting to drag, though.  He could feel it prickling on his skin.

            "So…uh…anyone seen Yamagata?" he asked.

            The reaction to this question was varied.  Three bikers went painfully blank, one rolled his eyes, Tetsuo shook his head while keeping his eyes on the ground, and Kaneda yelled, "No!"

            "I only asked," Kai said. 

            "Fine!" Kaneda snapped.  "That's absolutely fine!  I don't care, okay?  I don't care!"

            "About what?"

            "Anything."  Kaneda started smoothing one of the stickers on the front of his bike.  "I'm completely unfazed."

            "Liar," Tetsuo said.  Kaneda glared at him. 

            Kai wondered what he should say. 

            "I don't care if you are fazed," he said at last.  Was that true?  He wasn't sure.  He did care, kind of, deep down, but on the other hand he hadn't expected them to be cool about it.  Not any more.

            Maybe it was pointless trying to keep friends with them.

            Kaneda shrugged, not looking at him.  They sat in silence for some time longer, then finally trudged into school, only twenty minutes late.

The building got hotter and hotter as the day wore on.  The sun rose, screamed through the windows and skylights.  Sour smells rose from the floors, and trying to breathe in the cloakrooms was like trying to breathe mud.

            Kai slumped over his desk, the heat sapping his thoughts.  Nearly lunchtime.  Then he might just walk out.  Being with anyone he knew was like standing in a crowd of sharks.  Peaceable sharks, but you never knew what they might do…

            HHHe didn't care about having friends any more.  He just wanted to be alone.  He was so sick already of trying not to feel.  To curl up and admit you were breaking inside and wanted to die would be a luxury.

            On one side of him, Tetsuo was digging his pen nib into the desk, trying to carve writing into the wood.  On the other, Kaneda was staring out across the classroom, resting his chin on his hands.  He looked thoughtful. 

            Kai hadn't tried talking to either of them for about half an hour now, even though this was business studies which no one ever kept quiet in.  Tetsuo was bound to say something about how ill he looked, and Kaneda…he just didn't want to talk to Kaneda.  There was a bad atmosphere between them.  He didn't know exactly why, but he had a feeling it was to do with last night.

            Everything was to do with last night. 

            Yamagata was still absent.  Maybe it was better this way.  He didn't need to apologise.  And Yamagata would be pissed the others were being weird, so it was better he wasn't here.  But –

            He wanted to see him so much.  So desperately, like hunger, like an itch you needed to scratch, it clawed at the sides of his throat.  Forget apologies.  Forget civil conversation.  Forget everything, just have one kiss, one hug, just be with him, strength, warmth…

            Far away, he heard the door open, and looked up, hope quick and painful inside.  Then it vanished as he saw the latecomer, just some other kid he didn't know, and he sank down onto the desk again.

            "Geez, Kai," Kaneda muttered from beside him, "quit acting like a puppy.  It's only Yamagata you're waiting for, after all."

            And the prickly heat, and the headache building in his temples, and the loneliness, and the yearning, and the rage and pain heavy in his chest all combined, and he hissed, "Why don't you just get off my case?  You've been acting like a jerk all morning."

            Kaneda hunched his shoulders.  "Well, excu-use me.  I just meant you're getting a little obsessed."

            "No, I'm not."

            "Yes you damn well are."

            "Well, what's wrong with liking someone?" Kai snapped.

            "Nothing – if it's a girl!"

            "Oh, so you are a phobe, then."

            "No, I'm not!"  Kaneda blushed, and rubbed a hand across his shiny brow.  "I just think it's…weird, that's all.  And I – I just think you're weird."

            "I'm weird?  This from a guy whose only real relationship is with his bike?"

            Tetsuo snorted with laughter, then quickly smothered it as Kaneda glowered.

            "Ha bloody ha," he said.  "Geez, Kai, if you're so damn touchy, why'd you come in?  Why didn't you just stay home and have your emotional crisis in peace?"

            "I am not having an emotional crisis!  Why the fuck do you get to decide whether I'm weird or not?  Why'd I have to stay home just so I don't rock your fragile little world?"

            "That ain't what I meant," Kaneda snapped.  "I just meant you seem to be finding, like, normal life a bit tough at the moment.  So admit defeat and go home."

            "Just cos you're our leader doesn't mean you get to tell me what to do in every bit of my life."  Kai felt his hands curl painfully into fists.  "I wanted to come in today –"

            "And spend every bloody moment looking out to see if Yamagata's coming –"

            "So fucking what?"

            "It's freaky, that's what!" Kaneda yelled, and there was a clatter as their teacher dropped his book.  "It's just weird!  You're not normal and, and you do weird things and you have weird things happen to you, and…I dunno how to act around you.  You're just weird."

            "I'm not," Kai said, and to his shock, felt tears drooling at the back of his eyes.  "I'm not weird."

            "Well, the Clowns never did that to anyone else!"

            "I didn't ask them to do it to me!"  His voice was starting to shake, oh shit, oh no…

            "Didn't you?  Maybe it was a fucking turn-on!"

            That was it.  Kai punched him so hard his knuckles hurt.  Kaneda stumbled back against his chair for a moment, then leapt forward, hit Kai in the chin, and they both fell down, onto the floor space between their chairs and their desks.

            The class watched with interest.  Business Studies was rarely this cool.  Sure, it was difficult to fight in an aisle space thirty centimetres wide, but Kaneda and Kai weren't letting that stop them. 

            Meanwhile, the teacher slunk out to fetch Mr Takaba, who was usually required to sort out problems of this nature.

            Kai never remembered much of the fight, he was too angry for memory to work.  He couldn't see, couldn't think, couldn't do anything but hit and hit because all that he could hear was that one line, ringing in his ears – maybe it was a fucking turn-on – a turn-on – a turn-on –

            And with every punch, his thoughts screamed back, it wasn't!  It wasn't!  It hurt and it was horrible and it's breaking me apart!

            He flung Kaneda off him, the other boy sprawled a few feet away – then staggered onto his knees again – Kai waited, gasping for breath, feeling blood smooth and silky running down from a cut by the side of his eye. 

            Kaneda was gasping too, and one of his eyes had turned bruised and mouldy. 

            "Freak," he choked out.

            Kai stood up, and ran towards him.

            And as he did, Kaneda kicked his feet out from under him, and he fell, catching his chin on one of the chairs, and landed heavily, face down.

            Kaneda leapt onto his back, pinning Kai's arms with his knees.

            "Just get over it!" he yelled.  "Quit going mental!"

            Kai struggled to get up, but Kaneda was too heavy.  The floor stank of dust and chewing gum, and the grime of it was sticking to his chest and neck.

            "Look, Kai, just calm down!" Kaneda yelled.  "Trying to kill me ain't gonna help!"

            Kai tried to focus, but – but –

            A foot slammed into his stomach, and he curled up, choking and retching – and hands, grabbing his arms, pulling them away from his body, their feet on his wrists so he couldn't move –

            Someone was screaming.  Kai reflected on it.  He'd fallen out of the classroom now, into some safe, shady corner of his brain.  But he could still hear the screaming.  Whoever it was sounded really frightened, like they were being burnt up, like it wasn't a choice to them, like it was as natural as breathing…

            His throat was starting to hurt. 

            "Kai!  Kai, geez, what did I do?"

            "Oh, what's wrong, honey?  You scared?"

            "Fuck…Kai, snap out of it!"

            "I'll say he is, look at him."

            "You stupid idiot, let him up!"

            "Well, let's make it all better, let's make him feel real good."

            His mind was unravelling, and it wouldn't stop playing the memories, and he knew their order, he knew what was coming next…

            "No – no – don't ­– stop it – stop –"

            And then suddenly he was being dragged to his feet, and something, someone's hand, slammed into his face, sending him sprawling back onto his chair, and now he couldn't think or remember anything, all he could do was bury his face in his hands and howl…

            "Kai…Kai, come on…"

            Someone was patting his shoulder, shaking him gently.  He blinked, and made out Tetsuo through the blur of tears, looking increasingly concerned.

            "Come on," Tetsuo said.  "You're disrupting the lesson."

            "Fuck the lesson…" he managed to say.

            "Besides, Ja – Mr Takaba'll think he actually hurt you."

            Kai blinked, and saw Mr Takaba standing glaring at them all, holding Kaneda by the collar.

            He scrubbed his jacket sleeve over his eyes, and sat up. 

            "You," Mr Takaba growled, "are gonna be in serious trouble if you keep this up.  You're on probation already, at this rate you'll be banged up behind bars by the end of term.  Get it?"

            Kai nodded, and managed to say, "Sir…"

            Mr Takaba considered him a little longer, evidently decided that he was sufficiently miserable, and turned to Kaneda.

            "You'd better watch out," he snarled.  "You're even worse than him.  Riding through windows…gettin' arrested…leading this gang of troublemakers…"

            "Yes sir, very sorry sir, won't do it again, sir!" Kaneda rattled off, and tried to look sincere.  Mr Takaba hit him across the face, and then turned his attention to Tetsuo.

            "As for you, Shima," he said, "I don't like your attitude.  You probably had something to do with this.  You're young, and you could still change your ways…make something of yourself.  Do you understand?"

            "Yes, sir," Tetsuo muttered, staring at his feet.

            "Good."  Mr Takaba turned on his heel, and walked out of the classroom.

            The whole class was staring at Kai, he could feel their eyes on him like drips of scalding water.  He would've liked to stare back, but his own eyes were too damp.  They'd see for sure he'd cried.

            "Uh…"  Their teacher glanced at the clock.  "Lesson over.  Class dismissed."

            Slowly, people left, still staring at Kai, still whispering, still looking back.  Kaneda, rubbing his bruised face, walked out, not looking at anyone.  Tetsuo followed Kai, frowning.

            "Kaneda?" he called eventually.  "Where're we going?"

            Kaneda turned.  He was glowering.

            "I'm going to eat lunch, and then I'm gonna hang with my gang, and my bike," he said.  "You two can do whatever you want."

            "Hey, what did I do?" Tetsuo said.

            "Oh, everything!"  Kaneda carried on walking.  "You're so stupid sometimes, Tetsuo.  Teacher's pet.  'You're still young.  You could make something of yourself'.  Yeah, right.  Bullshit."

            "Hey, I could," Tetsuo said. 

            "Like hell you could."

            Kai had a feeling Kaneda was taking out his rage on the nearest available target, and felt a little sorry for Tetsuo, who muttered, "Fine," and kicked at the ground as they carried on walking.

            The sun hit them like a bucket of water as they reached the open air.  Halfway across the playground, Kaneda muttered, "What the hell was wrong with you, anyway, Kai?  I didn't even twist your arm and you just started yelling your head off."

            Kai shrugged.

            "Okay, fine, be a stupid freak and don't answer.  I don't care."

            "You just don't get it, do you?" Tetsuo sneered.  "He had flashbacks."

            "Huh?"

            "Someone holding him down on the ground and hurting him…use what passes for a brain in your empty skull, Kaneda."

            Kaneda froze a moment, and then shuddered.

            "Well…well, how was I supposed to know?" he said.

            "You could've figured it out," Tetsuo retorted.  "You could've left him alone in the first place and not started picking on him!"

            "Tetsuo," Kaneda said, in the voice of someone who is only just managing to hold onto his temper, "Just shut up.  Okay?  Just shut up and quit acting dumb."

            Tetsuo scowled, and didn't answer, and the three of them trudged along to the parking lot in dull, angry silence.

            "What happened to your face?" one of the other bikers asked Kaneda as they arrived.

            "He happened to it."  Kaneda hooked a thumb at Kai. 

            "You were fighting?"

            "Yup."

            "Why?"

            "I don't know," Kaneda said.  "On account of he's a fucking psycho and just leapt on me for no reason."

            "He didn't," Tetsuo said.  "You were calling him a freak."

            "Well, he is a freak."

            "He isn't!"

            "He is!"

            "He isn't!"

            Kaneda shoved Tetsuo.  "I thought I told you to shut up."

            "You always tell me what to do!" Tetsuo yelled.  "Why can't you just quit it!  Just admit you were wrong for once!"

            Kaneda tensed. 

            "That is it," he said.  "I'm gonna eat someplace else.  Someplace where people don't get on my case.  Especially nerds like you, or freaks like you."

            He started to march away.

            "Fine!" Tetsuo yelled.  "Well, I'm gonna go eat somewhere where people don't get at people for no reason!"

            He kicked at Kaneda's bike, and then walked off in the opposite direction.

            The others stared at Kai, who was standing in the middle.

            "Nice one," someone said nastily.

            "I'm going too," Kai whispered, and turned, and walked out of the school gates.