Chapter Twelve – So, You Survived
(This is the last chapter. All characters are © Katsuhiro Otomo except Chip and Suki, who are mine (more or less, in Chip's case). I'm not totally happy with this chapter but I don't think there's much more I can do with it – hope you enjoy anyway! Oh, and I've included some quotes from my copy of the Akira movie – they are © the Akira Committee. And please don't tell me I've misquoted – I know mine are right, but everyone else seems to have a different dub *sulks*)
Thinking it over, Kai was pretty sure that was the last point before time went crazy.
No, not time. Memory. It all blurred together, and whenever he tried to think back on it – to make sense of what had happened – nothing. Just a million bits and pieces and how could you put those together? How? You couldn't put them into any order – you couldn't work out how you'd got from life to – to this –
(Sunlight and schoolyards, lit-up night skies, the smells of perfume and petrol)
Here we go again…They're just tailchasers out of water. You mean fish. Why didn't you just wipe them all out? Those guys are so gross…Damn it, and my motor crawls were just gettin' warmed up!
The streets were so empty. Roads and pavements he'd known all his life cracked across, and water oozing over them, damp soaking through his shoes. Traffic lights and road signs twisted and doubled over, looking lost now that they no longer had any reason to exist.
(Streetlight bathing concrete, the click of a safety catch, blood speckling the ground, pain as they wrenched his arms back)
This school is your last chance! She's cleared the hump. Hands on your head! I want more than death, I'll split his frigging head open! Kiss the ground! He's really hurt bad…
And the people. Sometimes you could walk all morning and see nobody. Your footsteps rang out over the rubble, and you felt like you'd come to the wrong world because you were still alive. Other times, you saw people, but they weren't in any state to be seen. Blood. Ribs sharp behind paper-thin skin. Torn, screaming eyes.
(Running footsteps, hysterical crowds, blazing light and the hum of a laser)
At least give me time to get the gang together! Your bike's still on fire…Kaneda! I thought you were in that thing…
(And then a huge clump of memories that burned him and made his throat close up with misery)
…asked him – if he was really Tetsuo – or someone else. And – and then he –
I'm gonna send –
Dead?
Couldn't even say his name.
Dammit, I guess the team is finished…
Kai swallowed. No, he wouldn't remember. He wouldn't. It was pointless to remember, memory did nothing except hurt, and fade you out of real life…you could spend the rest of your life in memory, and he wouldn't…
(Echoing footsteps, graffiti, beer-soaked air)
And the checkpoints are so strict these days –
He curled up on the mattress, trying to keep his thoughts in the present. Don't think. Focus on something else, something real – the cold air pinching the soles of his feet – the cracks lying silent in the far corner – the giggling and whispering on the other side of the wall as Kaneda and Kei managed to live a normal life and be happy…how? How could they be?
(Darkness – too dark – broken glass under his feet)
What the hell happened?
It was no good. The memory dripped into his brain like acid, and as it dripped it widened, and he couldn't stop thinking about it.
He's dead!
(The barman's cold face, not a face any more, a mask, a mask with nothing behind it – he stared at it and suddenly he was screaming)
(And then that laughter, laughter like the small patter of stones before the earthquake)
Look who's here. Wanna pop one?
(How had he known that Tetsuo had destroyed it all? He wasn't sure – but you could see the guy was crazy, his skin was pale as paper, and shiny in the darkness, and that smile – )
Kaneda sends his warmest regards.
You saw Kaneda? Where is he?
He's probably dead, by now.
(Oh shit oh shit this can't be happening – he can't have killed him – he can't – oh wake up look what he's already done)
(Cold horror sharp in his stomach like he'd eaten broken glass)
And now his mind slowed, as if it didn't want him to miss a single detail.
Yamagata, shaking with rage, climbing up to reach Tetsuo, his shadow falling over the broken furniture and cracked floor.
Tetsuo kicking out, the soles of his bare feet sharp white – and Yamagata's shoulders tensing as he started to slip – and then falling –
Yamagata!
Kai had dashed over to him, to help him up and then they could get out of there. And then –
Another crunch as Tetsuo stepped onto the fallen bar above him, and the thought of that crunch still sent icy pain through under his ribs –
He wished he hadn't looked up. Then he wouldn't have seen that smile on Tetsuo's face.
He enjoyed it.
Tetsuo's eyes were glinting, and then – then Kai felt the air tense around him like it was being pulled taut – and Yamagata groaned – and – and –
Behind Kai's eyes he died a million times, and now the moments were so slow – now each one clicked past like a cel-shading – and he couldn't stop them – he couldn't – all he could do was what he'd done when it had happened –
"Yamagata!"
The sound burnt his throat. He screamed it out over the city, over the sunken skyscrapers and shattered windows and cold, moonlit water, and up to the dark, empty sky.
No one came to claim it.
He'd cried himself out long ago. Inside he was nothing, as shattered and empty as Neo-Tokyo.
He remembered, standing staring down at Yamagata and thinking this can't be happening – a minute ago he was okay – it can't have all changed now – it can't –
And Yamagata's eyes, staring frozen up at the ceiling, refusing to look at him. He'd known he should run, get out of there before he ended up like this as well – but if he ran, he'd be admitting there was something to run from – and if he admitted it, he'd have to admit Yamagata was – was –
Tetsuo had stepped down onto the floor, leaving footprints in the dust, and walked towards the door of the Harukiya. He hadn't even looked back. Doing that hadn't even bothered him.
And Kai had turned and charged towards him, rage and misery lashing down inside him like burning rain, and – Tetsuo had just put out a hand, and sent him flying, slamming him back into the darkness against the wall.
And then he'd gone.
Kai ran over to Yamagata, hoping, hoping that maybe while they hadn't been focusing on him he would have gotten up, been all right again, groaning Man that was a lucky escape –
No.
He still lay there. Still staring out at the door of the bar, like he was mad with Kai and wouldn't look at him.
"Yamagata…please…"
No answer. He must be really mad with me this time, worse than just kissing him or sabotaging his bike – "Please…please don't do this…"
He dropped down beside him, clutched his shoulders.
Slowly, blood began to ooze over the dusty floor.
And now he was always lonely. And the loneliness crouched on his shoulders and covered his eyes so that he couldn't stop feeling it even when there were other people around.
That first night – when it hadn't sunk in – when he'd been able to ride off into the ruins without tearing up – when he'd known something was wrong, but hadn't been able to let himself think of what it was – Yamagata'll come along soon, he just got held up someplace –
That first night, he'd woken about two a.m., and realised what it was that was wrong; because for the first time in months he had been lying alone. He was cold, and his skin ached for touch.
And then it had hit him – you'll never get him back, he's gone, he's gone forever –
It couldn't be true.
He hadn't cried then, it had been too big for tears. Humans couldn't do anything that would fit this pain. He'd floated on a sea of it, sometimes sinking down into the depths until everything was dark and his head pounded with the pressure, sometimes rising up to the surface where it was lighter, where he noticed things, where he lived again. Life had become a series of memories broken up by the aching, howling darkness.
Creeping through a deserted, half-crushed apartment block, following Kaneda, their footsteps splashing over the dark water oozing across the concrete floor. The air was thick with the stench of mould, and he was breathing shallowly, trying to avoid tasting it. A door on his left had swung open, and he saw a glimpse of peeled, faded wallpaper, and a smashed picture, and shadows covering everything.
Riding, riding down an empty road, the cold air slapping his face, looking out at the rubble, at the bare skyline, trying to take in how far the destruction had spread, and failing. For miles and miles there was nothing but spiky wreckage, misty in the distance, and above it a huge white sky.
Kei pulled open the door to their latest shelter, sending a swirl of dust into their faces. It clung to his skin and clothes. Everywhere was dusty these days and he could never get properly clean, his hands were so dry they itched whenever he touched anything, and there was a permanent taste of rot at the back of his throat.
Waking one night and staring up at a cracked lampshade, at the bulb crouched inside like a dead mouse. The darkness crawled over his face, pinning him down, and in the walls he heard the shrieks of real mice and rats, skittering and fighting behind the cracks.
Wondering why no bed, whether it was sagging sofa or torn mattress, ever felt warm any more.
But now things had stabilised. The days moved properly and didn't vanish. They didn't ring with pain any more. They just ached as they dragged themselves from dawn to dusk, and he wished they'd stop because it was getting so tiring to keep walking with them.
It was getting so difficult to do anything. Even eating was starting to become too much of an effort.
Especially when, as now, what you were trying to eat was a mixture of stale cereal and overripe, sour grapes. Meals had become a lot more interesting lately – they would be when you were raiding people's cupboards for anything that wasn't covered in dust/half-eaten by rats/going to give you food poisoning.
But then, Kaneda didn't seem to be having any problems. He was practically inhaling the food, sending specks of it flying all over the table. Kei wasn't eating so fast, and she didn't look like she really liked it, but she was eating.
Kai couldn't bring himself to even take one bite.
"Aw, come on," Kaneda said through his latest mouthful. "Ain't that bad, is it, Kai?"
"I'm not hungry."
"You better eat," Kei said, frowning. "It's not like we know where the next one's coming from."
He knew all that. But his throat had sealed up.
"Stop being so depressed all the time," Kaneda snapped at last, pushing his empty bowl away from him. "I mean, okay so the last few months weren't too great, but you know, you gotta move on."
"Who says I'm depressed?"
"Well, I sorta figured that's why you look like you're gonna burst into tears."
"I am not. I just…I'm just not hungry, okay, can't you get that through your thick skull?"
"We all lost people," Kei said gently. "Come on, guys, let's not fight about it."
Kai shrugged, and tried to tell himself she was right. They had all lost people, and if Kaneda and Kei could be sensible about it, so could he.
But it's all right for them…they have each other…
Anyway, they'd got upset too. Kaneda had gone awful quiet for some time after Tetsuo had…vanished. Even now he didn't like talking about him, and sometimes he went silent, and there was a sadness in his face that had never been there before; a real expression, not a stock one he'd wear for the crowds.
. And Kei had disappeared for ages after they'd found Ryu's body, and when she'd come back, she'd not said a word – just hugged Kaneda, and buried her face in his jacket, and they'd walked off to be alone together.
Alone together.
That was what they were. Whereas he was just alone alone.
"Fine," he snapped. "I won't fight. I'm going out."
"Kai –"
"I said, I'm going out. Here, Kaneda, you can have my lunch."
As he walked out, down the crooked staircase, he heard Kaneda's slurping start up again, and sighed.
Why had he come out into the city? He hated the emptiness. And he hated the greyness. The sky was the colour of dirty glass, and the air seemed to suck the colour out of everything. The only specks of it were the cracked, dirty shop signs and billboards.
Why the hell did you have to go and die?
Why did you make me love you that much if it was all gonna end up like this?
Why did we do it? Why did I bother to make up, to kiss you those times, what was the fucking point?
Why didn't he kill me? Why couldn't I have died? Why do I have to be the survivor?
Why did you go away?
The questions had been asked so many times they'd become part of him. First he'd screamed them, then spoken them, now they were just dull, miserable whispers. And of course there was no answer to any of them.
Voices?
Already they sounded like something weird in this city.
He looked up, and saw two girls, one perched on the step of a nearby building, the other leaning out of the doorway. The one on the step had lank, patchy hair, that had once been dyed red-brown, but now had a wave of darkness breaking out from the roots, like an oil slick. She was in a torn, tattered red dress which didn't cover her knees, and they were drawn up to her chest, and they were bony and grey with cold.
She turned her head as he drew closer, and he saw a snarling scar ripped down from her eye to below her chin, on the right side of her face. And she sat as the other girl chattered, and the voices seemed tiny in the huge silence that had swallowed the city.
"Well, geez, Suki, if you don't want to eat these days…"
"Who cares?"
Suki?
Kai skidded to a halt before he could decide to, and then wondered why. What could he say to her? She probably didn't even remember him. And he'd never exactly liked her. It probably wasn't even her anyway. And –
"I'll see ya, then. Okay?"
"If you must."
Heels clicked away into the darkened doorway. Kai stood still, wondering which girl was left outside.
"Kai? Is that you?"
He turned.
"Suki?"
"Uh-huh."
Yeah, he could see it now. Like the city, she'd lost her colour and smart-assed sparkle.
She grinned ruefully. "So, you survived."
"And you. How come?"
"I was crying my eyes out in the dorm basement when it happened. Nearly got buried. Didn't know nothing about any of it – didn't know Tetsuo was involved. Nothing."
"I didn't know enough."
If I'd known enough, I'd have got me and Yamagata out of the Harukiya soon as we saw the wreckage…
Suki chewed a fingernail still speckled with red polish. "So, um, how's Yamagata? Are – are you still together?"
"Oh, yeah. Mad passionate sex every night. It's great."
She sighed, and stared down at her lap.
Kai came to sit next to her on the step before he said, "He's dead."
"What?"
"He's dead. Tetsuo killed him."
The words still didn't mean anything. Didn't mean enough, anyway.
"He's dead…" she whispered.
"Why does it bother you? Don't tell me you still hold a torch for him."
"I just…" She rested her head on her knees, stared out at the wreckage. "I just thought…maybe one day…hell, I don't expect you to understand. But I just always hoped. And now I can stop. Yay."
He expected her to cry, but she just stared. The only tear was the long scar.
"What happened with that?" he asked, pointing. "You got it when all this happened?"
"That – oh, no, that happened ages ago. Back when I first found out about you and Yama."
"What d'you mean?"
"I was so pissed I ran off into that derelict area near school…and I met this Clown guy. He knew about you two, weird, huh? And he listened to me and let me cry on his shoulder."
"And then?"
"Then we went into the Star Bowl and he raped me and slit my face."
"Shit…"
"Yeah." She nodded. "Didn't think he had it in him. He was a pretty runty little guy. Said his name was Chip."
Kai suddenly wanted to laugh. Bitterly.
"Chip? Oh, yeah, I know him."
"You do? How?"
"Same kind of thing."
A weird thought, to think it was the same guy – a link between him and Suki, made not by blood, by something stronger.
The last time he'd seen Chip he'd been watching Tetsuo smash the guy's face in, while Kaori huddled at the back, wrapped in his jacket. And the street had been baking hot and the sun had oozed over his bare arms and he and Yamagata had just watched –
Back when time, and life, had still been normal. And yet the storm had been there, watching with them, lapping at the edges of the world.
"Is he still alive?"
"How the hell should I know? He ain't part of my address book. Probably."
"Pity."
She glanced at him, and smiled slightly.
"You're not so bad," she said. "Sorry I ratted you out about that sabotage thing."
Kai was pretty sure she didn't really mean that, but he
accepted it, and put forward a lie of his own.
"Sorry I tried to slap you that time."
"I'll see you, okay?" She got to her feet, dusted the grey dust off
her dress. "It's getting cold out
here. Oh, and Kai…"
"Mm?"
"I – I'm sorry about Yamagata."
Then she was gone.
It was getting darker now. Even the sunsets had lost their colour – the sky simply blazed whiter for a bit, and then went out like a dead light bulb.
When it got darker, the citizens came out into makeshift bars where the drink was in barrels and you swapped batteries or watches for it.
Kai had considered drinking himself into nothing once or twice, but most of the time he couldn't summon up the energy to do even that. So he didn't come down here much. Not that it seemed any different from the rest of the city. There were people, but they were insensible, slumped, dead-eyed. No different from the real dead.
So Suki was still out there. But why did that matter? She was as changed as everything else was. When Yamagata had died the world had plunged into grey, and Suki had been plunged with it.
Sometimes he was frightened by grey everything was. How grey he felt inside.
How easy it would be to move from life to death now. People did it every day here. You could join them. Death would be just as grey.
He wouldn't think about it. But it was hard not to.
Chip. Was Chip still out here as well?
Did it matter?
It did matter. He wanted to know. The past – that is, everything before memory and time went crazy – had had characters in it, and now he needed to total up who was still here.
Let's think. If I was a sadistic half-insane runty ex-Clown, where would I be?
The bars seemed to be a good place to start.
He found Chip in the third one he tried. The barman – i.e the guy who controlled the neat vodka barrel at the back of the half-collapsed room – hooked a thumb at a figure skulking in a corner.
Kai walked over to it, his heart suddenly waking up and tingling in his chest.
"Chip?"
"Uh-huh?"
"You used to be a Clown, right? A biker?"
There was a long silence, then, "Yeah. How'd you know?"
"Take a look and see if you can figure it out."
The figure turned, sending a stench of alcohol across the room with it. Its bloodshot eyes roamed over Kai, and then it nodded, slowly.
"It's you," Chip said. "The Capsule fag. What the hell d'you want?"
"Came to see if you survived."
"Well, I did."
"How?"
"Does it matter? I just did is all. And how'd you make it? Saw it was your psycho pal who caused the whole thing. Hail Lord Akira. Always knew he'd snap in the end. How come he didn't pulp you like he did half the city?"
"I got lucky." Kai hunched his shoulders, and kept watching. Chip's face was swirled with burst veins and shadows.
"Damn it. And the others? They all six feet under?"
"Most of 'em. Where're your lot?"
"I don't know and I don't care." Chip took another gulp of drink. "So go on. Where is he?"
"Who?"
"Your fuck-buddy. Yama-chan. See, I learnt his name at last."
"Dead."
"Good."
Kai knew he should be angry, but he hadn't really expected anything else. This meeting was bound to be unpleasant.
But at least Chip didn't look any better than anyone else did. The hand on the glass was shaking, and there was something clawing and desperate in his face, something nasty that Kai didn't want to get too close to.
"You don't look too great yourself," he said.
"I do okay."
"You look like you ain't slept in weeks."
"It don't matter!"
"And I bet your liver wants to
kill you."
"What else is there to do in this fucking place? The Great fucking Tokyo Empire. I do fine. Better'n'you."
"If you say so."
"Don't get smart with me. I know what you're like, I was there, I did it, remember? I saw you crying your eyes out –"
"I didn't –"
Chip smirked. "You wanted to."
"Well, so what?" Far back in his mind, he remembered all those tears. "Any normal person would. And it made you happy, didn't it?"
Chip didn't answer, staring down into the murky, glowing depths of his glass.
"Bet you miss having your gang around," Kai said. "You couldn't do it now, even I ain't weak enough to let you. Without big friends to pin 'em down so you can be twisted on them, you're nothing."
"I don't need anyone."
"You got something seriously wrong in your head, you know that?"
Chip mimicked him. His eyes were slitted, rat-like. "You talk too much. Got lonely since your boyfriend bought it?"
"I still got friends," he said, and realised it was true. "You got nothing, that's why you're killing yourself in a place like this."
"Shut up!" Chip leapt to his feet. "You say one more word and I'll smash your face in –"
Kai shrugged, and turned and began to walk away, listening for the footsteps that he knew would approach behind him.
There they were –
He turned, and slammed a fist into Chip's nose. There was a crunch. Chip stumbled back, blood starting to bubble over his face, slipped and fell onto the dark, sticky floor, and stared up at Kai, and gasped, whimpering through the redness oozing over his lips.
Their eyes met.
Then Chip's slid away, and he focused on the ground.
Now you know how it feels.
"Have a nice life," Kai whispered to him.
"You – you –"
Mean pleasure suddenly exploded inside him, exploded like a severed artery spewing dark red all over his mind. Chip was more crushed than he himself had ever been and it felt good.
I don't need someone else to fight for me. I can fight on my own.
And I've survived better than him.
And whatever he did to me, I coped with it, I got past it, I still had that time with Yamagata, and he can't take that away – nor can Tetsuo – nobody can –
Kai turned and walked out of the bar.
Now it was dark. The ruins crouched around him like gigantic coal heaps.
Still no one around, and the air rang with silence again.
This wasn't Neo-Tokyo any more. This wasn't the city he'd lived in all his life. The sky was black and towered over him. No more lights to hold it back. No more dancing adverts. No more shining windows and glowing streetlamps. No longer the rich smells of takeaways and petrol. No more music pounding up through his feet.
No more life.
But despite the fact this city was different, he could still find places in it.
Familiar places.
The Harukiya had been driven into the ground, buried under tons of rock and rubble. Kai didn't mind. If he walked in there, the memories would kill him. But he knew where it had stood. He could stand by the shattered sign at his feet, and he could think.
"Yamagata?" he whispered. "You out here anywhere?"
Why would he be? Kai didn't really know what he believed any more – about death and stuff – but after seeing what had happened to a bunch of innocent Neo-Tokyo citizens it was a little difficult to imagine any sort of Heaven.
"Well, I don't know if you are," he continued. "But…if you are I suppose you'd know about Suki. And Chip. I seen them, today. Weird, huh? How they ended up, I mean."
It just felt like he was talking to himself. But he kept speaking all the same.
"Anyway, uh…I guess you know I miss you, as well. And don't act like you're surprised, you shouldn't be. I'm trying to think of something good about, well, everything, but there ain't much. What else can I say? You're gone and I wish you weren't…"
He felt the tears tremble behind his eyes, and so he didn't say the next line, just thought it.
You know I love you, right?
"I was mad with you," he said at last. "I was mad you made me feel like that if, if it was just gonna end up like this. But now – I mean – we were together for a bit, I guess. Shit, I'm no good with words. I mean – I'm not mad with you any more. It wasn't your fault."
He closed his eyes, and remembered.
I was looking at the sun…
You could have concussion…
I haven't polluted your bike and…and I'm gonna walk home now…
I'm scared of nothing!…
I was never playing around…
And it hurt, but it was different suddenly, it was good-hurting, like finally being able to let out anger, like stretching till your muscles ached.
We still got at least seven days…
I'm sorry I sabotaged your bike…
You look too interesting…
I really like you…
"I could die," he whispered. "I could die, it's easy enough, and then I could come find you – I said, didn't I? If you died I'd have to come too – I could – Yamagata –"
And he'd thought he'd used up all his tears, but no – he was sobbing his eyes out again, but it was okay, there was a grim pleasure in the pain as it cracked like ice inside him –
I could do it – I could go get my bike, and I could ride really fast, and there'd be a wall, and I'd hit – just like with your bike, huh, Yamagata? I could do that – and then it would finish – then it would all be over and I'd never have to hurt again –
So it's not for him I'd do it…
Kai swallowed, and stopped crying, because his thoughts wanted him to listen.
You know what he'd say if you did do it – he'd be furious –
And Chip'd kill himself laughing, he'd think you did it because of him –
The tears faded from his eyes, and it was just him, the dark, and the silence. For a long time he stood, and thought of nothing.
Then –
"Kai!"
He looked round. Kaneda and Kei were hurrying towards him, their feet crunching over the rubble.
"Are you okay?" Kaneda called. "You disappeared all afternoon."
"We were really worried," Kei said. "Thought you might've got in trouble somewhere."
"No." Kai scrubbed a hand over his eyes. "I'm fine."
"Then come on back," Kaneda said, grabbing him by the arm. "We found a whole bunch of chocolate bars and we're gonna have a feast."
"I thought we were gonna save some," Kei said, grinning.
"Save, eat, what's the difference?"
Kai let himself be led away from the Harukiya. He didn't mind. He felt shaken up, drained, like something momentous and crazy had just happened. And after something like that, you needed to hang out and be mindless and unimportant. With other people.
With friends.
He still had life. Maybe it was grey, and dusty, and lonely, but it was life, and he'd got it. Chip and Suki. So you survived. They were still breathing, but something else had happened to them, they were sinking, Chip at least was dying inside already.
Was he sinking?
I don't damn well give up like that –
The city ached with suffering and loss.
Some people, they'd spouted a load of stuff about rebuilding. And renewal. And new starts. Like the cataclysm had been a good thing. That had really made him mad when he heard it. Renewal was all very well when you weren't the one being renewed. But maybe there was some truth in it now. Maybe…when you couldn't do anything else…maybe you had to just climb out of the ashes and look for something new.
But rebuilding and new starts didn't mean you had to forget what had been there before.
You know I love you, right?
THE END
(Wow…I finished my first proper Akira fic…thanks to everyone who r+red!)
