PDAs. The next frontier. Or whatever
~~
Sorry guys! I was banned from ff.net for six days when I accidentally listed this as G and not PG! (Smacks head) duh! Anyway! I'll upload more Emailing Series soon! But here's a lil' something I wrote on my PDA. Which is a pocket computer. A hand-held. Whatever.
~~
Disclaimer: Neither I or my PDA-to-be owns Star Trek. It's just one of those things.
~~
[The screen is black. Then it's not so black. Then it's definatly a shade of grey. Very dark grey. Then the viewer realises she has not yet turned on the TV. She does so. The screen is black. Then grey. It then comes up with a picture.]
[The picture is: Kirk sitting in his chair, Uhura lounging on her chair, Sulu sharpening a fencing foil (and not even I, the Author, know if that's possible). Chekov is not there. And neither is McCoy. The viewer decides she has tuned into the Twilight Zone. She is very upset. She bangs the controller against her head in an effort to calm herself. She breaks the controller and is even MORE upset. She cannot now change the channel. Anyway. Back to the Enterprise.]
Kirk: Damn it! Where is he?
[Just knowing Kirk would need some assistance in developing the plot, McCoy enters. The viewer decides she might just be not watching the Twilight Zone, and stops hitting herself.]
McCoy: Where is who, Jim?
Kirk: Chekov, dammit! I asked him to get my PDA, and he's been gone for. . .ages. I was about to send a. . .search party out to look for him. But we need this months supply of Red Shirts. . .So I can't.
McCoy: Your PDA?
Kirk: Yes. Damn him.
[Suddenly the Turbo Lift doors open. Chekov is standing there, red faced, with a trolley of wires behind him. For some reason, Scotty is suddenly on the Bridge.]
Scotty: He just cannae do it, Cap'in! He doesn't have the power!
Kirk: Then, dammit, help him!
Scotty(pouts): You do it.
Spock: It seems illogical to summon a computer that's -
Kirk: It's the latest model.
[Chekov pulls the trolley up beside Kirk and goes to sit back at his station. Kirk stares blankly.]
Kirk: Er, Mr. Chekov. . .?
Chekov: Yes Keptin?
Kirk: Where's the rest of it?
[Chekov pales.]
Chekov: The. . .the. . .the rest of it, sair?
Kirk: Yes! This is just the first battery! It needs six batteries, a take in valve, a push out valve, two trolleys of technobabble, six trolleys of wires, and ten trolleys of bulbs and the casing.
McCoy: How big is the screen?
Kirk: It doesn't HAVE a screen.
[Chekov is now sobbing]
Chekov: Please, sair! Don't be so cruel! It's unfair! Vhat did I ewer do to you?
Kirk: Nothing. Lemmie tell you a little story. Once, I was in this bar, and I met this guy. His name was Sod. He invented a thing called Sod's Law. Y'see -
Sulu: We get the picture.
[Meanwhile Chekov is STILL sobbing.]
Kirk: Shut up. And get the rest of my PDA. You have six minutes. [Wags finger] I'm timing you. . .
[Chekov doesn't budge.]
Uhura: Captain, may I suggest -
Kirk: Dammit, woman! I don't need you hovering over me constantly!
McCoy: JIM! That line is reserved for Yeoman Rand ONLY. Starfleet regulation #233!
Kirk: And since when have YOU memorised the Starfleet Regulations?
McCoy(flustered): Er. . .well, I got bored, and -
Uhura: Like I was saying. May I suggest we give Ensign Chekov a few suckers. . .er, I mean, a few Red Shirts to help him?
[Suddenly, all the Red Shirts on the bridge pale. This is not good. The viewer is now glued to the screen. She had never been that good with super glue. She found it just got everywhere. And she shouldn't have been sitting that close to the telly anyway. Let us hope she has learnt from this mistake.]
Kirk: Hmm. . .
[Chekov pauses in his sobbing, perfectly ready to start again if Kirk says no.]
Kirk: . . .
Spock: Er. . .Captain?
Kirk: Hmm? Wha? Oh. Um. [He has not been paying attention] Yes, Lt. Uhura. Let's do that.
[A Red Shirt immediately gags and falls over. And dies, as is common with all Red Shirts.]
Red Shirt #900: Er. . .Sir? Why can't you just upgrade to a Hand Held PDA? I hear Windows XP got a good write up.
[His nose immediately grows WAAAAY out of proportion and he falls into the Engines. However unlikely and impossible that is.]
Kirk: Because this is a sixties show! This is a show where the more winky lights a computer has, the more intelligent it is!
Spock: Captain, by my calculation, your PDA is cannot fit on the Bridge, so -
Kirk: I DON'T CARE! IT'S MY PDA AND I WANT IT AND I WANT IT NOW!
Scotty: Well then, what're you waiting for Mister Chekov? Get the friggin' computer already.
Chekov: But, but, but. . .
Kirk: BUT NOTHING! I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT!
McCoy: When he wants, he gets.
[Everyone stares at him]
McCoy: I've been working on more famous lines. I believe that one worked?
Sulu: Yes. [Shoves Chekov out of his seat].
[Chekov leaves with a placement of 300 Red Shirts. Three die en route to the Turbo Lift.]
~~
[Six Hours later. The bridge now has ten trolleys on it. That's the bulbs. One hundred and fifty Red Shirts are DEAD. The viewer is still glued to the telly.]
[The lift doors open. Chekov, who is now probably dying or something, comes out with yet another trolley. It is filled with wires.]
Chekov: Ve lost a trolley. Y'see, zis Red Shirt vas carrying it past ze Warp Core and. . .
Scotty(over the comm: he went back to Engineering due to plot complications we shall not speak of): Cap'in! That lousy Red Shirt has destroyed me poor wee bairns!
Kirk: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Terrific. NOW GET ME THE REST OF THE PDA!
[Chekov lugs the trolley over to Kirk, stops it infront of him and goes back up to the Turbo Lift, muttering darkly in Russian.]
[He returns later with the rest of the trolleys (including the one that was 'destroyed'), and sit at his station, exhausted.]
McCoy: Hmm. Mr. Chekov, I think you're out of shape. You need a physical.
[Chekov starts howling]
Kirk: Alrighty then. Now. Where is the instruction manual?
Uhura: You mean, you don't know how to assemble your own PDA?
McCoy: Dammit Jim, I'm a Doctor, not a PDA assembler!
Sulu(retrieving a piece of paper from the floor): Here they are.
[No one notices the lettering on the side of one of the casing shells. It reads: MADE IN TAIWAN. Naturally, this means, it being the sixties and all, that the instructions have been poorly translated by some woman named Hoshi Sato. No one cares.]
Uhura(Reading from sheet of paper Sulu just found): Assembling in the casing you are, need screws and bolts lots. Um, are you SURE these are the instructions?
Sulu: Yes. Are you picking on me?
Uhura: No.
Sulu: Oh. [Looks vaguely upset about not having an excuse for using his foil. On a human being, that is.]
[Kirk snatches piece of paper from Uhura.]
Kirk(Reading from 'Instructions from Hell'): Step the next you am counter clockwise turning the bolts port A the into. WHAT?
Rand: Maybe you can download the REAL instructions from the Internet.
Sulu: The what now?
Kirk: Then you are casing placing panel A on top off B the panel. HELP!
[Insert dramatic breakdown]
[Insert Rand slapping him]
[Insert Kirk yelling]
[Insert Rand leaving the Bridge]
Kirk: Okay, okay. Calm down.
Sulu: We weren't the ones sobbing and calling for our mummies (looks smug).
Chekov(looking up): I vas.
Kirk(reading again): Wires the yellow have crossed with wires red the needs to have screwdriver. What's a screw driver?
Scotty: Some tool.
Sulu: Why're YOU up here?
Scotty: Plot purposes.
Kirk: We can do this. We can do this.
McCoy: Sure we can.
Spock: It seems illogical to -
Golem: Yesss. You can do thissss. Itssss for my preciousssss!
[Insert Uhura kicking Golem off Bridge and into the Engines. This upsets the Viewer and she rips her head away from the telly with disastrous results.]
Kirk: Did you hear a scream?
Sulu: No.
Kirk: Oh. [Reading again]: After two the stage can you screw bolts into outer shell. Replace outer shell inner shell with. Eh?
Author(appearing on Bridge): That's it! This Fan Fiction has gone far enough!
[She is holding her PDA. It is no bigger then Kirk's brain, but doubly as useful.]
Sulu: What's that? [Points]
Author: This is my PDA. Made in Japan. Easier instructions.
Kirk(Laughs): And what can you do with that lil' thing that has no winky lights?
Author: I am writing this Fan Fiction on it.
[She looks back down and types something in. A Tribble appears on Kirk's lap. He screams. The Author writes some more. More Tribbles appear.]
Kirk: Stop! Stop!
[The Tribbles vanish. Chekov suddenly finds a case under his Work Station. In it is $300,000 and a note saying: Sorry for the exercise. Signed, Author. He grins manically and runs off the Bridge with the case. No one cares. ]
Author: Why did you want your PDA anyway?
Kirk(pouting): I wanted to know what two plus two was, and no one would tell me.
Spock: I tried -
McCoy: Better go see Chekov about his Physical.
[Exit]
Spock: - but I kept getting cut off.
Kirk(suddenly looking serious 'n' stuff): So. Mr. Spock. What is the answer?
[The viewer is now watching from a Hospital Bed. She has her eyes glued to the screen. This episode has taught her nothing.]
Spock: It is -
[Suddenly there is a power outage. We shall never know the answer. Ever. The viewer is forced to tear her eyes away from the Telly. A passing Nurse faints. And dies because she is wearing a Red Shirt. No one cares.]
[A/N] Hope you liked!
~~
Sorry guys! I was banned from ff.net for six days when I accidentally listed this as G and not PG! (Smacks head) duh! Anyway! I'll upload more Emailing Series soon! But here's a lil' something I wrote on my PDA. Which is a pocket computer. A hand-held. Whatever.
~~
Disclaimer: Neither I or my PDA-to-be owns Star Trek. It's just one of those things.
~~
[The screen is black. Then it's not so black. Then it's definatly a shade of grey. Very dark grey. Then the viewer realises she has not yet turned on the TV. She does so. The screen is black. Then grey. It then comes up with a picture.]
[The picture is: Kirk sitting in his chair, Uhura lounging on her chair, Sulu sharpening a fencing foil (and not even I, the Author, know if that's possible). Chekov is not there. And neither is McCoy. The viewer decides she has tuned into the Twilight Zone. She is very upset. She bangs the controller against her head in an effort to calm herself. She breaks the controller and is even MORE upset. She cannot now change the channel. Anyway. Back to the Enterprise.]
Kirk: Damn it! Where is he?
[Just knowing Kirk would need some assistance in developing the plot, McCoy enters. The viewer decides she might just be not watching the Twilight Zone, and stops hitting herself.]
McCoy: Where is who, Jim?
Kirk: Chekov, dammit! I asked him to get my PDA, and he's been gone for. . .ages. I was about to send a. . .search party out to look for him. But we need this months supply of Red Shirts. . .So I can't.
McCoy: Your PDA?
Kirk: Yes. Damn him.
[Suddenly the Turbo Lift doors open. Chekov is standing there, red faced, with a trolley of wires behind him. For some reason, Scotty is suddenly on the Bridge.]
Scotty: He just cannae do it, Cap'in! He doesn't have the power!
Kirk: Then, dammit, help him!
Scotty(pouts): You do it.
Spock: It seems illogical to summon a computer that's -
Kirk: It's the latest model.
[Chekov pulls the trolley up beside Kirk and goes to sit back at his station. Kirk stares blankly.]
Kirk: Er, Mr. Chekov. . .?
Chekov: Yes Keptin?
Kirk: Where's the rest of it?
[Chekov pales.]
Chekov: The. . .the. . .the rest of it, sair?
Kirk: Yes! This is just the first battery! It needs six batteries, a take in valve, a push out valve, two trolleys of technobabble, six trolleys of wires, and ten trolleys of bulbs and the casing.
McCoy: How big is the screen?
Kirk: It doesn't HAVE a screen.
[Chekov is now sobbing]
Chekov: Please, sair! Don't be so cruel! It's unfair! Vhat did I ewer do to you?
Kirk: Nothing. Lemmie tell you a little story. Once, I was in this bar, and I met this guy. His name was Sod. He invented a thing called Sod's Law. Y'see -
Sulu: We get the picture.
[Meanwhile Chekov is STILL sobbing.]
Kirk: Shut up. And get the rest of my PDA. You have six minutes. [Wags finger] I'm timing you. . .
[Chekov doesn't budge.]
Uhura: Captain, may I suggest -
Kirk: Dammit, woman! I don't need you hovering over me constantly!
McCoy: JIM! That line is reserved for Yeoman Rand ONLY. Starfleet regulation #233!
Kirk: And since when have YOU memorised the Starfleet Regulations?
McCoy(flustered): Er. . .well, I got bored, and -
Uhura: Like I was saying. May I suggest we give Ensign Chekov a few suckers. . .er, I mean, a few Red Shirts to help him?
[Suddenly, all the Red Shirts on the bridge pale. This is not good. The viewer is now glued to the screen. She had never been that good with super glue. She found it just got everywhere. And she shouldn't have been sitting that close to the telly anyway. Let us hope she has learnt from this mistake.]
Kirk: Hmm. . .
[Chekov pauses in his sobbing, perfectly ready to start again if Kirk says no.]
Kirk: . . .
Spock: Er. . .Captain?
Kirk: Hmm? Wha? Oh. Um. [He has not been paying attention] Yes, Lt. Uhura. Let's do that.
[A Red Shirt immediately gags and falls over. And dies, as is common with all Red Shirts.]
Red Shirt #900: Er. . .Sir? Why can't you just upgrade to a Hand Held PDA? I hear Windows XP got a good write up.
[His nose immediately grows WAAAAY out of proportion and he falls into the Engines. However unlikely and impossible that is.]
Kirk: Because this is a sixties show! This is a show where the more winky lights a computer has, the more intelligent it is!
Spock: Captain, by my calculation, your PDA is cannot fit on the Bridge, so -
Kirk: I DON'T CARE! IT'S MY PDA AND I WANT IT AND I WANT IT NOW!
Scotty: Well then, what're you waiting for Mister Chekov? Get the friggin' computer already.
Chekov: But, but, but. . .
Kirk: BUT NOTHING! I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT!
McCoy: When he wants, he gets.
[Everyone stares at him]
McCoy: I've been working on more famous lines. I believe that one worked?
Sulu: Yes. [Shoves Chekov out of his seat].
[Chekov leaves with a placement of 300 Red Shirts. Three die en route to the Turbo Lift.]
~~
[Six Hours later. The bridge now has ten trolleys on it. That's the bulbs. One hundred and fifty Red Shirts are DEAD. The viewer is still glued to the telly.]
[The lift doors open. Chekov, who is now probably dying or something, comes out with yet another trolley. It is filled with wires.]
Chekov: Ve lost a trolley. Y'see, zis Red Shirt vas carrying it past ze Warp Core and. . .
Scotty(over the comm: he went back to Engineering due to plot complications we shall not speak of): Cap'in! That lousy Red Shirt has destroyed me poor wee bairns!
Kirk: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Terrific. NOW GET ME THE REST OF THE PDA!
[Chekov lugs the trolley over to Kirk, stops it infront of him and goes back up to the Turbo Lift, muttering darkly in Russian.]
[He returns later with the rest of the trolleys (including the one that was 'destroyed'), and sit at his station, exhausted.]
McCoy: Hmm. Mr. Chekov, I think you're out of shape. You need a physical.
[Chekov starts howling]
Kirk: Alrighty then. Now. Where is the instruction manual?
Uhura: You mean, you don't know how to assemble your own PDA?
McCoy: Dammit Jim, I'm a Doctor, not a PDA assembler!
Sulu(retrieving a piece of paper from the floor): Here they are.
[No one notices the lettering on the side of one of the casing shells. It reads: MADE IN TAIWAN. Naturally, this means, it being the sixties and all, that the instructions have been poorly translated by some woman named Hoshi Sato. No one cares.]
Uhura(Reading from sheet of paper Sulu just found): Assembling in the casing you are, need screws and bolts lots. Um, are you SURE these are the instructions?
Sulu: Yes. Are you picking on me?
Uhura: No.
Sulu: Oh. [Looks vaguely upset about not having an excuse for using his foil. On a human being, that is.]
[Kirk snatches piece of paper from Uhura.]
Kirk(Reading from 'Instructions from Hell'): Step the next you am counter clockwise turning the bolts port A the into. WHAT?
Rand: Maybe you can download the REAL instructions from the Internet.
Sulu: The what now?
Kirk: Then you are casing placing panel A on top off B the panel. HELP!
[Insert dramatic breakdown]
[Insert Rand slapping him]
[Insert Kirk yelling]
[Insert Rand leaving the Bridge]
Kirk: Okay, okay. Calm down.
Sulu: We weren't the ones sobbing and calling for our mummies (looks smug).
Chekov(looking up): I vas.
Kirk(reading again): Wires the yellow have crossed with wires red the needs to have screwdriver. What's a screw driver?
Scotty: Some tool.
Sulu: Why're YOU up here?
Scotty: Plot purposes.
Kirk: We can do this. We can do this.
McCoy: Sure we can.
Spock: It seems illogical to -
Golem: Yesss. You can do thissss. Itssss for my preciousssss!
[Insert Uhura kicking Golem off Bridge and into the Engines. This upsets the Viewer and she rips her head away from the telly with disastrous results.]
Kirk: Did you hear a scream?
Sulu: No.
Kirk: Oh. [Reading again]: After two the stage can you screw bolts into outer shell. Replace outer shell inner shell with. Eh?
Author(appearing on Bridge): That's it! This Fan Fiction has gone far enough!
[She is holding her PDA. It is no bigger then Kirk's brain, but doubly as useful.]
Sulu: What's that? [Points]
Author: This is my PDA. Made in Japan. Easier instructions.
Kirk(Laughs): And what can you do with that lil' thing that has no winky lights?
Author: I am writing this Fan Fiction on it.
[She looks back down and types something in. A Tribble appears on Kirk's lap. He screams. The Author writes some more. More Tribbles appear.]
Kirk: Stop! Stop!
[The Tribbles vanish. Chekov suddenly finds a case under his Work Station. In it is $300,000 and a note saying: Sorry for the exercise. Signed, Author. He grins manically and runs off the Bridge with the case. No one cares. ]
Author: Why did you want your PDA anyway?
Kirk(pouting): I wanted to know what two plus two was, and no one would tell me.
Spock: I tried -
McCoy: Better go see Chekov about his Physical.
[Exit]
Spock: - but I kept getting cut off.
Kirk(suddenly looking serious 'n' stuff): So. Mr. Spock. What is the answer?
[The viewer is now watching from a Hospital Bed. She has her eyes glued to the screen. This episode has taught her nothing.]
Spock: It is -
[Suddenly there is a power outage. We shall never know the answer. Ever. The viewer is forced to tear her eyes away from the Telly. A passing Nurse faints. And dies because she is wearing a Red Shirt. No one cares.]
[A/N] Hope you liked!
