Cauchemar Part 1: Goodbye to Y By koaladeb Disclaimer: I obviously don't own these characters, because if we did, I would be able to give script approval to the H/C shippers. As it is, I can only borrow them. Rating: PG 13 Pairing: What do you think I am? Blind to the chemistry? If so, you have me confused with TPTB. H/C, references to H/Y Spoilers: What limited information I have on season 2 AN: This is my first fanfic, so be gentle with me please! Thank you to everyone who has supported me with this and especially to TaCe for being a sounding board and beta reader and to Marianne who encouraged me to take my fic to new places!

~~~~~~~~

Calleigh walked into CSI early on Friday, hoping to catch a minute alone with Horatio. As she walked towards the staircase leading to his office, she thought about the last couple of months and realized that she hadn't had a real, non-work related conversation with him since.since before he had started dating Yelina. It had been two months now since they had started growing closer. Horatio seemed to be spending all his free moments with, talking to, or talking about her. Officially, they were "trying to make a go" of this new development in their lives, and Calleigh felt Horatio's absence like a missing piece of her soul. She couldn't remember the last time she had heard his wry chuckle in her ear or felt his eyes resting on her figure. She felt alone for the first time since she had moved to Miami.

Halfway up the stairs, she glanced to see if Horatio's door was open and stopped short. She could see Yelina's hair, hear her laugh, and Calleigh quickly considered her options, leaning against the handrail for support. She needed to talk to Horatio about Valera, the new DNA girl at CSI. Her work was accurate, but not detailed, and Calleigh couldn't put aside the feeling that she was hiding something. But the real reason was that she missed Horatio's company and she was hoping that a work conversation, coupled with a couple of light work days, might lead to a more relaxed environment and real conversation. Shoulders slumping, Calleigh allowed a soft sigh to escape her lips as she turned back around and headed for the lab. She managed a small smile but couldn't hide the sadness in her eyes. She was tired of feeling abandoned. She was tired of feeling like she was an expendable piece of Horatio's life. She was tired of searching his intense blue eyes for something.hell, anything other than polite professionalism.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Inside his office, Horatio didn't see Calleigh's approach and retreat. He was keeping all his attention focused on the words coming out of Yelina's mouth, and fighting the incredulous grin that was threatening to cross his face. Here they were, two mature adults who each had charm, confidence, and allure, and they couldn't seem to fall in love with each other.

"I can't believe we've both been feeling this way," Yelina was saying.

They had not intended to discuss their relationship that morning. In fact, when they started dating, they had set ground rules that would prevent their new romance from interfering at work. Today, however, Yelina had stopped by to see if Horatio was free for dinner and a discussion that evening. The glimmer of hesitation she saw in his eyes was enough for her to open up, hinting that she was not going to ask for an advance in their relationship, but a reevaluation. It had prompted more subtle hints, feelers and, finally, a no-holds-barred discussion of their feelings. Or in this, case the lack thereof. After two months of trying to move their relationship forward, of intentionally scheduling time together, of dinners and romantic evenings out, of "family outings" that were aimed at bringing Horatio and Ray, Jr. closer together, they were forced to admit that something important was missing. They loved each other, definitely, and their connection as family was quite comfortable. But for all the safety Yelina felt when she was around Horatio, and for all the new, softer feelings that being included in Yelina's family had prompted in Horatio, they couldn't bring themselves to respond to each other like lovers would. There was no feeling of unspoken passion, no moments when their souls connected, no sparks to speak of. For all their effort, they just didn't have what it took to make a romance work.

"We should have had this conversation a month ago," said Horatio, allowing a short, bittersweet chuckle to escape from him. "It would have saved us both a lot of time, effort, and stress."

"Hey, at least we never got a chance to take that weekend away," Yelina said with a smile, truly happy for the first time that she and Horatio had never been intimate. "Imagine how awkward it would have made this conversation if we had."

They looked at each other and burst out laughing. Horatio glanced to the side, his soft laugh reflecting his feelings of irony, amusement, and maybe a little bitterness. At the time it had begun, he thought that a relationship with Yelina would be the answer for both of them. They certainly had chemistry, history, and an interest in keeping the family together. Who would have thought that, by the end of it, he would discover that he and Yelina were indeed perfect for each other-as friends.

Yelina's laugh, on the other hand, was a release. She had been so worried about hurting Horatio, worried that he would see her desire to redirect their relationship as a way to cut their ties completely. This was better. They could continue to be friends, family, and she was relieved that she could tell Ray Jr. that "Uncle H" wasn't going anywhere and preventing any hurt feelings that redefining his role in their lives might prompt.

"So," Horatio said, "Family?"

"Always," replied Yelina. "And from now on, no more kissing cousins, ok?"

Horatio's response was a nod and small smile. Yelina picked up her bag to leave. Reaching the door, she turned around and commented, "You do realize that as family your attendance will still be required at game night, right? Every Monday, same as before."

"Wouldn't miss it," Horatio responded. "Someone's got to keep you honest at Scrabble."

With a final laugh and wave, Yelina left. When the door closed, Horatio leaned back in his chair with a relieved sigh. And for the first time, he realized how tired he was emotionally. He had been trying so hard these past two months, believing that he could somehow convince himself that a romantic relationship with Yelina might work. He suddenly realized, love shouldn't be that hard, not if it was meant to be. It was impossible to make yourself love another person. It was either there or it wasn't, and it wasn't there with Yelina. When his marriage had ended, his ex had accused him of not putting enough effort into their marriage, and Horatio had overcompensated with Yelina as a result, thinking effort would make the difference. And in focusing his attention on her, Horatio had been neglecting the other parts of his life. He had shut out those around him while he directed all his energy into this thing with Yelina. He felt a pang of guilt and wondered what he should do to fix that.

Horatio glanced over at the calendar and the piles of reports on his desk. It was too late this week to make a new start with his team, but come Monday they would see a return of the old Horatio, the one who was interested and involved in the lives of his coworkers and friends. The Horatio that paid more attention to what was going on in the lives of those he cared about.