Cauchemar Part 2: The process of forgetting By koaladeb Disclaimer info in part 1

When Calleigh walked in the door of her apartment at 7:00 that night, she fell onto the couch, exhausted. She didn't need to ask herself why she was so tired, even though work had been relatively light this week, even though she hadn't needed to say in the office past 6:30 any night, she had been getting plenty of sleep, and had been eating regular meals. "Horatio," she sighed, speaking his name out loud. She had spent yet another week trying not to think of him, trying not to notice him when he came to the lab, trying to repress all the emotions that had come to the surface when she had seen Yelina in his office that morning and all the other mornings when she had hoped for a moment of time that carried with it some of the contact they used to share.

Sitting up on the couch, Calleigh decided that she was sick of stuffing down her feelings every day. It was too much, dealing with work and with repressing the tidal wave of emotion that threatened to overwhelm her every time she thought of Horatio. She was tired of holding herself in check, being careful not to seek him out with her eyes too often or smiling whenever he entered a room. Lately, she had avoided meeting his eyes, afraid that the unadulterated scrutiny of his gaze would pick up on the longing in hers as she desperately searched his visage for any sign that he shared her sense of awe, of recognition, that there was something to them that went beyond colleagues or friends. She had hoped for so long that their camaraderie and mutual respect would lead to something more, and for a time she thought that it was. Calleigh remembered with a slight shiver the way that his eyes had raked over her after they had caught the sniper. The smoky quality of his voice when he had disagreed with her assessment of how she looked in black. "I beg to differ." Even now, she felt the cadence of her heart quicken remembering the conviction in his comment, the approval in his voice, the primal gleam in his eyes as he raked them over her Kevlar-covered body. Calleigh shook herself both mentally and physically. This had to stop. Horatio had made it clear that he was determined to make this thing with Yelina work. And heaven help anyone who stood in the way of something Horatio wanted. Her chance with Horatio had ended the minute he had set his sights on Yelina and shut out everyone else. She had lost him, and she couldn't deny that fact anymore. As she admitted it to herself, Calleigh couldn't stop the tears that began to fall. She curled into a ball on the couch and allowed herself to fully feel the current of pain that ripped through her body as she admitted that there was no hope left.

A while later, Calleigh rubbed at the tear stains on her cheeks and headed for the kitchen. It was time to come to terms with herself and make some decisions about how she was going to face this. It was time to deal. She reached into the freezer for some ice cream and coffee grounds. It was going to be a long night. She didn't mind, they always helped, these forays into self-examination. Any time she began working though a problem, Calleigh would take a day, a weekend, however long she needed to work through her thoughts, feelings, and decide on how to proceed. And she had experience working through problems and pain. She went over her mental list of past self-intervention topics. Racism (Dad) Alcoholism (Mom and Dad) Murder (Hank Kerner)

Each of these problems had been dealt with, slowly, painstakingly, so that Calleigh could first recognize and come to terms with every last bit of pain they had caused, every impact they had on her life, before she could decide what to do. In the case of her father's racism, Calleigh had decided not to accept his prejudices and to work against the double standard he had embraced. On the topic of her parents' alcoholism, Calleigh had initiated a no-holds-barred truth policy with herself so that she would never dismiss or downplay how much power they had to hurt her; she was still working on not allowing herself to be sucked completely into their world and not letting their problems interfere with the love she had for them. It was still hard, though, to admit that she couldn't stop either of them from drinking, that fact driven home every time she had to go to a bar and rescue her father from bout after bout of excess.

This problem, however, had an entirely different feel to it. Normally, she had been hurt by something going on outside of herself. She had no control over her father's opinions, no control over Kerner's actions. She was used to figuring out how others' problems affected her and building defenses that kept her heart safe from those who had the ability or inclination to cause her pain. This time, though, Calleigh was the source of her own misery. While the impetus of her pain was Horatio's relationship with Yelina, the basis of it was wrapped up in her emotions, not in Horatio's actions. Well, the first step in the self evaluation process was always acknowledging the truth behind the pain. With a sad smile at how clichéd it sounded, Calleigh gave her problem a name: unrequited love. Her growing feelings of affection, desire and, yes, love toward Horatio were not reciprocated, and that truth cut through her like a knife. She had held out hope for the last two months that he would change his mind, but from what she could tell, things with Yelina weren't going to end any time soon. And even if they did end, the fact that Horatio had pursued a relationship with someone else pretty much cemented the fact that he was not interested in anything with herself. Calleigh needed to figure out exactly what was going on inside of her and she had to get past it before it wiped her out completely. Good thing she had all weekend. By Monday, she wouldn't be completely at peace or happy, but hopefully she would be ready to take her life in a new direction.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Horatio's weekend was spent with his family and in contemplation. On Saturday, he took Ray Jr. (or Ray J as he had begun calling him) out to watch a baseball game and enjoyed sitting in the stands, watching everyone around him enjoying the sunny day. He felt himself relax a little, even joking with Ray J about hot dogs. The rest of the weekend he reorganized some of the files in his home office, went walking along the beaches, and spent some time thinking about his life. He was happy with the new comfort he felt around Yelina and Ray J, since he wasn't trying to force feelings that weren't there. He was looking forward to settling into his role of "Uncle H" and was pleased that he once again felt like an important part of a family. As Sunday came to a close, he thought over his weekend with satisfaction and contentment. He had been right: he should have talked to Yelina before now, but things were going to be better than ever now that they had actually had their conversation. All he needed to do now was reconnect with his team and life would be great. "I wonder what Calleigh's been up to lately" was the last thought that floated through his mind as Horatio fell asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Calleigh's weekend was not so peaceful. The Friday night truth session she had set up for herself involved a great deal of pain and tears, but by the time she went to bed in the early hours of Saturday morning, she had laid it all out with herself, consuming an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie in the process. She slept late into the afternoon, allowing herself time to wallow before forcing herself out of bed and into action. She began a thorough cleaning of her apartment, picking up everything off her shelves and dusting each item before deciding on a new place for everything. This was stage two of the official "Calleigh goes through a life-evaluation" process. Something needed to change in her personal life; therefore, physical alterations were needed to complement the changes. Pictures and books were placed in their new orders, carpets were cleaned, and laundry was done. The physical labor freed up Calleigh's mind to think of other things. She had come to terms with the fact her feelings were not going to be returned and she needed to let go of what would never be. Now she needed to decide on a course of action. Leaving was out of the question: it would only be running away from the problem and she enjoyed working and living in Miami too much to leave. She could confront Horatio about how she felt, but it would be unwelcome, painful, and would damage their friendship too much. There needed to be some increased emotional distance between the two of them, but Calleigh figured she wouldn't need to try too hard to achieve that: Horatio had done a wonderful job of pulling away from everyone else at CSI that she would only need to accept and maintain the new status quo. By the time Calleigh began thinning out her kitchen cabinets of all the food she didn't need or want, she had come to the conclusion that she would be best served by an intentional effort to stand on her own feet and not to rely on Horatio's friendship for emotional support. Talking with Horatio about cases, colleagues, and even the occasional foray into their personal lives had become an excuse to spend time in his company. She sought him out again and again, reveling in his insight, his sense of style and humor,

That was going to have to stop. She would not seek him out for any reason other than to work on a case, making sure that their conversations were based on topics that went no farther than work or basic friendship. She would have to learn to ignore the light that appeared in his eyes when met with a challenge, stamp down her desire to inquire about his well-being when. "Stop this," Calleigh muttered. "It's not your place anymore. It never was."

Clearing her head, Calleigh looked over her work. She had separated out the food items that had been in the cabinets for. lord knows how long.that had not been used and would not be appetizing in the near future. She would drop them off at the local food pantry tomorrow. Her apartment was clean, tidy, and ready for the new and hopefully improved Calleigh Duquesne to take up residence. Time for step three: bubble bath.

By the end of her long soak, Calleigh did feel a little better. She was disappointed that she didn't even get a chance to find out how things could have gone with Horatio, but she would move on and be stronger for it. She didn't need him to make her life complete, right? After all, hadn't she decided to explore her independence when she first moved to Miami? She had felt freed from taking care of her parents, freed from the claims of familiarity and the demands of those people she had known all her life. Calleigh had let go of her past, of the pain and sacrifices in it, and claimed a new future for herself when she moved, going as far as getting a tattoo to physically remind her of the shift. She had allowed herself to be drawn in by Horatio's giving nature, allowed herself to feel protected and cared for, she had stopped relying solely on herself and had begun to rely on him. Well, that would have to stop. Independence would be reclaimed. She shook off the nagging thought that she had found peace and comfort leaning on Horatio, had enjoyed knowing that she didn't always have to stand alone. It was of no consequence now. She was alone. Calleigh glanced in the mirror. She looked a little tired, but determined. She was moving into this new part of her life and things would be fine. Now all she needed was to put her plan into action and move on to the final step. Something about her appearance needed to change to dive home the redirection of her life. Her apartment reflected the change of attitude she had achieved that weekend, but her person didn't. She thought for a while, continuing to study her reflection. Her hair. That's what she would change. It would take a few days, maybe even a week before she found something suitable that she could be happy with, but a new hairstyle was definitely in order. She could shed the weight of her disappointment along with the locks of hair. The more she thought about it, the more confident she felt. Calleigh went to bed, setting her alarm clock early to give her enough time to stop at the food pantry and pick up some magazines in the morning before getting to work and facing day one of a life that didn't have Horatio at its center. Calleigh's sighed and turned out the light. It would all begin tomorrow.