All's Normal on the Enterprise - Chapter Three - Latex shortage
~~
Reviewer Response:
Bug: - Gollum is more than likely my split personality. . .maybe.
Kaz: - I'm so glad my story made an impression on you and your husband. . .yes, the script idea. I guess someone had to screw up sooner or later. . .thank you very much!
~~
All's Normal, Part Three: - Latex shortage. . .leads to problems.
~~
[Bridge: Enterprise. Kirk has just been handed a hand-held with an Email displayed on it.]
Kirk(murmuring as he reads): Oh dear. . .oh no. . .he's not going to like that. . .THAT won't do. . .oh, please no. . .not MORE lines? Oh God. . .life won't be worth living. . .
Spock: Is something the matter, Captain?
Kirk: Well, yes indeed, Mr. Spock. Something that's going to affect us extremely badly. . .you especially. . .I'm so sorry. . .
[Kirk hangs his head in mourning. Then he looks at Chekov and it appears as though he's going to cry.]
Chekov: Vhat's the matter, Keptin?
Kirk(whispering): MORE lines?
[The brave, noble, dignified Captain gets to his feet in a very brave, noble, dignified way, then bursts into tears and runs to his room, screaming like a little girl.]
~~
[Kirk's Room: Door. Spock is standing outside the door, listening to the saddened Captain within.]
Spock: Is everything alright, Captain?
Kirk(through door): Does it SOUND alright?
Spock: I have told you before, Captain. Vulcan ears do not affect our listening capabilities.
Kirk(muttering something obscene before carrying on): It's actually about your ears, Spock.
Spock: I thought I have told you before that I will not tolerate taunts about my physical nature Captain-
Kirk(through door, still): I am not going to taunt you Spock. Y'see, there's been a strike at the American Latex corporation, which means they won't be supplying people with Latex anymore. . .and. . .eh. . .that means you don't get your ears. . .
Spock(turning a heavier tint of green): Captain! Who told you-
Kirk: Aww, c'mon, Spock! Everyone knows those things aren't real.
Spock: Point taken. What is Mr. Rodenbury going to do?
Kirk(cluelessly): Who?
Spock: Er. . .I meant, "what are WE going to do, Captain?"
Kirk: WE are going to find you a substitute. . .perhaps, wood?
Spock(disdainfully): Wood, Captain?
Kirk: Pine maybe?
Spock: Pine would snap, Captain.
Kirk: Oh.
Spock: What was your other major concern, regarding Ensign Chekov, if I may ask?
Kirk: You may, but I shall start crying again [Unseen to Spock, he wags his finger at the door) and you don't want that to happen, do you?
Spock: No.
Kirk: I'll tell you then. Star Fleet Command are demanding that we. . .oh, lord!
Spock: I fail to see what the Christian Deity has to do with our present situation, Captain.
Kirk: No, no, Spock, "oh lord" is a phrase. Never mind. (Trying to be brave) Anyway, concerning Chekov, we have to give him more lines.
Spock: MORE lines, Captain?
Kirk: Yes. More. Lines. Oh. God. *Cries*
~~
[Sick Bay: Doctor McCoy is examining a Red Shirt who has been chewing a piece of mint gum. The gum was just TOO strong, and has burned a hole through his tongue.]
McCoy: Hmm. . .
Red Shirt #567: Is it serious?
McCoy: Hmm. . .
Red Shirt(slightly panicky): Well, is it?
McCoy: Hmm. . .
Red Shirt(getting annoyed and grabbing McCoy by the collar): IS IT? ISITISITISITISITISI?????????????
McCoy: Hmm. . .there appears to be a hole in your tongue.
Red Shirt: A little bit slow today, aren't we?
McCoy: You're relieved. And you'll need a physical next Tuesday.
Red Shirt(in terror): NO!!!!!
[McCoy pushes the Red Shirt out of Sick Bay just as Kirk and Spock walk in. McCoy gasps. Spock has human ears.]
Spock: State even one comment, my dear Doctor, and I will be forced to splice you.
McCoy: Look! He's even sounding human! (Backing away as Spock takes a threatening step forwards) Okay, okay, I was joking. How can I help?
Kirk: There's an American Latex shortage. We need something to substitute for his ears.
McCoy: There's a Latex factory in Moscow. Just order some from there.
Kirk: What, and have Chekov following Spock around telling him how great everything to do with Russia is and . . . *cries*
McCoy: What's up with him?
Spock: Star Fleet has ordered that Ensign Chekov be given more lines in the course of an Episode.
McCoy: Oh dear. Well, let's sort that out later. Okay. Substitute for ears. Hmm. . .wood?
Spock: The best we could come up with is pine.
McCoy: Oh. Snap factor.
Kirk(between sobs): Howabout plastic?
McCoy: Too mass-produced.
Kirk: Oh. Um. . .paper?
McCoy: Too stupid.
Kirk: Well, excuse me for having an idea for once.
McCoy: That's it!
Kirk: What?
McCoy: An idea, idiot. Let's have a staff meeting. . .just like we always do when there's something wrong.
Kirk: Excellent! Boy, am I clever or what?
McCoy: *Sigh*
~~
[Staff-Meeting-Room-Room-That-Is-Sometimes-Used-As-A-Tribunal-Room: Everyone important (IE. Still alive) is there, goggling at Spock's Not-So- Spock ears.]
Uhura: Why-
Spock: Please reframe from asking unimportant questions. All will be revealed shortly.
Chekov: But-
Spock: Please reframe from asking unimportant questions. All will be revealed shortly.
Sulu(to everyone else): Great. He's got his answering machine on again.
Kirk: Okay, okay, order! I said, "order!" [Dead pan face for a sec, then] WILL YOU PEOPLE JUST SHUT UP BEFORE I RE-INTRODUCE THE TRIBBLES!
Everyone Else: *Silence*
Kirk: Ehem. Okay. We have a problem. As you can see, Mr. Spock appears to have lost his ears.
Chekov(muttering): Poet and didn't know it.
Kirk: What?
Chekov: Nothink.
Kirk(disbelieving): Riiiiiiiight. Anyway. We have a problem regarding Spock's ears.
Scotty: Ye've already said tha'.
Kirk: Riiiiiiight. Anyway. We have a slight dilemma with-
McCoy: Oh, for the love of God, I'll take over.
Spock(to himself more than others): I still fail to see what a deity has to do with out predicament.
McCoy(ignoring him): There is an American latex shortage, resulting in the fact that Mr. Spock will no longer have any ears.
Blondie(from the Emailing Series): He does have ears.
McCoy: Yes, but they're not Vulcan ears.
Blondie: Beggars can't be choosers.
Chekov: Zere's a Latex plant in Moscow. Vhy can't you use them?
McCoy: Because. . .of slight. . .um. . .implications involving the general way things are run and the technical hitches of the fact we don't like you.
Chekov: Vell that explains a lot.
McCoy: Doesn't it just? Anyway, what're we gonna do? He's one of THE main characters! One of the famous three!
Sulu: Why're you so concerned? You'd love to have a dig at Spock.
McCoy: Yes. But I want my face to stay this way for the next six decades or so.
Sulu: Oh. Okay.
[Pause]
McCoy: Doesn't anyone else have a brain? We can't use plastic, paper, wood, or latex, so what can we use?
Chekov(helpfully): Hay? Straw? Metal? Grass? Mud? Cloth? KA?
McCoy: KA?
Chekov: Komputer Animation.
McCoy: It's the sixties, you moron.
Chekov: Beef, Ham, cardboard, laminate, Lamb-
McCoy: This isn't Jamie Oliver's problem, it's ours. Leave the cooking stuff out of it.
Uhura: Why don't we just do what we always do when he has to hide the fact his ears are different?
Spock: Which is?
Uhura: A bandana.
Sulu(perkily): I have one.
Uhura: Er. . .no.
Sulu: Why the heck not?
Uhura: Because of the girls on it.
Kirk(snapping out of his insane sub-consciousness): I'll buy it off you!
Sulu: No.
Kirk(going back into his insane sub-consciousness): I well, I tried.
[Suddenly there is a beeping sound from the other side of the room: The Comm. Uhura answers it.]
Uhura: Swindon-Town takeaway parlour. You order, we will deliver!
Nameless-Admiral-That-Will-Never-Be-Seen-Again(over the Comm): Very funny. I just thought I'd ring to tell you that the Author is sending you a Reset Button. Just hit it and that debate will be over.
Uhura: Uh. . .What's a reset button?
Chekov: It vas a Russian-
[Sulu claps his hand over Chekov's mouth.]
NATWNBSA(over the Comm): It's like at the end of a really great story where you wake up and it was all a dream. It will reset the episode, since the Author has written herself into a corner.
Kirk(perking up): HERself?
Author(from backstage): May I remind you of the Tribbles?
Uhura: So, you mean, we push it, and none of this ever happened, right?
NATWNBSA: Are you stupid, woman?
Uhura(smugly): Not since "The Changeling".
[Suddenly a large red button beams itself onto the middle of the table. It has the word: RESET, SUCKERS written on the top.]
Kirk: Okay. So long, episode.
[He reaches over and pushes the button. Sparkly special effects. And then-]
~~
[Bridge: Enterprise. Kirk has just been handed a hand-held with an Email displayed on it. Suddenly, the Padd disappears.]
Kirk: Where'd it go?
Mirror-Chekov: vhere did vhat go?
Kirk(does a double take at Mirror Chekov. Then looks around. He is still on the USS Enterprise. And the non-Mirror Chekov is standing behind him, along with the rest of the non-mirror crew, looking confused): Um. . .what happened?
Mirror-Sulu(casually): Oh, we took over whilst you were gone.
Kirk: Let me guess. To be continued.
To Be Continued.
Kirk: See, I was right, wasn't I? Huh? I was!
~~
Reviewer Response:
Bug: - Gollum is more than likely my split personality. . .maybe.
Kaz: - I'm so glad my story made an impression on you and your husband. . .yes, the script idea. I guess someone had to screw up sooner or later. . .thank you very much!
~~
All's Normal, Part Three: - Latex shortage. . .leads to problems.
~~
[Bridge: Enterprise. Kirk has just been handed a hand-held with an Email displayed on it.]
Kirk(murmuring as he reads): Oh dear. . .oh no. . .he's not going to like that. . .THAT won't do. . .oh, please no. . .not MORE lines? Oh God. . .life won't be worth living. . .
Spock: Is something the matter, Captain?
Kirk: Well, yes indeed, Mr. Spock. Something that's going to affect us extremely badly. . .you especially. . .I'm so sorry. . .
[Kirk hangs his head in mourning. Then he looks at Chekov and it appears as though he's going to cry.]
Chekov: Vhat's the matter, Keptin?
Kirk(whispering): MORE lines?
[The brave, noble, dignified Captain gets to his feet in a very brave, noble, dignified way, then bursts into tears and runs to his room, screaming like a little girl.]
~~
[Kirk's Room: Door. Spock is standing outside the door, listening to the saddened Captain within.]
Spock: Is everything alright, Captain?
Kirk(through door): Does it SOUND alright?
Spock: I have told you before, Captain. Vulcan ears do not affect our listening capabilities.
Kirk(muttering something obscene before carrying on): It's actually about your ears, Spock.
Spock: I thought I have told you before that I will not tolerate taunts about my physical nature Captain-
Kirk(through door, still): I am not going to taunt you Spock. Y'see, there's been a strike at the American Latex corporation, which means they won't be supplying people with Latex anymore. . .and. . .eh. . .that means you don't get your ears. . .
Spock(turning a heavier tint of green): Captain! Who told you-
Kirk: Aww, c'mon, Spock! Everyone knows those things aren't real.
Spock: Point taken. What is Mr. Rodenbury going to do?
Kirk(cluelessly): Who?
Spock: Er. . .I meant, "what are WE going to do, Captain?"
Kirk: WE are going to find you a substitute. . .perhaps, wood?
Spock(disdainfully): Wood, Captain?
Kirk: Pine maybe?
Spock: Pine would snap, Captain.
Kirk: Oh.
Spock: What was your other major concern, regarding Ensign Chekov, if I may ask?
Kirk: You may, but I shall start crying again [Unseen to Spock, he wags his finger at the door) and you don't want that to happen, do you?
Spock: No.
Kirk: I'll tell you then. Star Fleet Command are demanding that we. . .oh, lord!
Spock: I fail to see what the Christian Deity has to do with our present situation, Captain.
Kirk: No, no, Spock, "oh lord" is a phrase. Never mind. (Trying to be brave) Anyway, concerning Chekov, we have to give him more lines.
Spock: MORE lines, Captain?
Kirk: Yes. More. Lines. Oh. God. *Cries*
~~
[Sick Bay: Doctor McCoy is examining a Red Shirt who has been chewing a piece of mint gum. The gum was just TOO strong, and has burned a hole through his tongue.]
McCoy: Hmm. . .
Red Shirt #567: Is it serious?
McCoy: Hmm. . .
Red Shirt(slightly panicky): Well, is it?
McCoy: Hmm. . .
Red Shirt(getting annoyed and grabbing McCoy by the collar): IS IT? ISITISITISITISITISI?????????????
McCoy: Hmm. . .there appears to be a hole in your tongue.
Red Shirt: A little bit slow today, aren't we?
McCoy: You're relieved. And you'll need a physical next Tuesday.
Red Shirt(in terror): NO!!!!!
[McCoy pushes the Red Shirt out of Sick Bay just as Kirk and Spock walk in. McCoy gasps. Spock has human ears.]
Spock: State even one comment, my dear Doctor, and I will be forced to splice you.
McCoy: Look! He's even sounding human! (Backing away as Spock takes a threatening step forwards) Okay, okay, I was joking. How can I help?
Kirk: There's an American Latex shortage. We need something to substitute for his ears.
McCoy: There's a Latex factory in Moscow. Just order some from there.
Kirk: What, and have Chekov following Spock around telling him how great everything to do with Russia is and . . . *cries*
McCoy: What's up with him?
Spock: Star Fleet has ordered that Ensign Chekov be given more lines in the course of an Episode.
McCoy: Oh dear. Well, let's sort that out later. Okay. Substitute for ears. Hmm. . .wood?
Spock: The best we could come up with is pine.
McCoy: Oh. Snap factor.
Kirk(between sobs): Howabout plastic?
McCoy: Too mass-produced.
Kirk: Oh. Um. . .paper?
McCoy: Too stupid.
Kirk: Well, excuse me for having an idea for once.
McCoy: That's it!
Kirk: What?
McCoy: An idea, idiot. Let's have a staff meeting. . .just like we always do when there's something wrong.
Kirk: Excellent! Boy, am I clever or what?
McCoy: *Sigh*
~~
[Staff-Meeting-Room-Room-That-Is-Sometimes-Used-As-A-Tribunal-Room: Everyone important (IE. Still alive) is there, goggling at Spock's Not-So- Spock ears.]
Uhura: Why-
Spock: Please reframe from asking unimportant questions. All will be revealed shortly.
Chekov: But-
Spock: Please reframe from asking unimportant questions. All will be revealed shortly.
Sulu(to everyone else): Great. He's got his answering machine on again.
Kirk: Okay, okay, order! I said, "order!" [Dead pan face for a sec, then] WILL YOU PEOPLE JUST SHUT UP BEFORE I RE-INTRODUCE THE TRIBBLES!
Everyone Else: *Silence*
Kirk: Ehem. Okay. We have a problem. As you can see, Mr. Spock appears to have lost his ears.
Chekov(muttering): Poet and didn't know it.
Kirk: What?
Chekov: Nothink.
Kirk(disbelieving): Riiiiiiiight. Anyway. We have a problem regarding Spock's ears.
Scotty: Ye've already said tha'.
Kirk: Riiiiiiight. Anyway. We have a slight dilemma with-
McCoy: Oh, for the love of God, I'll take over.
Spock(to himself more than others): I still fail to see what a deity has to do with out predicament.
McCoy(ignoring him): There is an American latex shortage, resulting in the fact that Mr. Spock will no longer have any ears.
Blondie(from the Emailing Series): He does have ears.
McCoy: Yes, but they're not Vulcan ears.
Blondie: Beggars can't be choosers.
Chekov: Zere's a Latex plant in Moscow. Vhy can't you use them?
McCoy: Because. . .of slight. . .um. . .implications involving the general way things are run and the technical hitches of the fact we don't like you.
Chekov: Vell that explains a lot.
McCoy: Doesn't it just? Anyway, what're we gonna do? He's one of THE main characters! One of the famous three!
Sulu: Why're you so concerned? You'd love to have a dig at Spock.
McCoy: Yes. But I want my face to stay this way for the next six decades or so.
Sulu: Oh. Okay.
[Pause]
McCoy: Doesn't anyone else have a brain? We can't use plastic, paper, wood, or latex, so what can we use?
Chekov(helpfully): Hay? Straw? Metal? Grass? Mud? Cloth? KA?
McCoy: KA?
Chekov: Komputer Animation.
McCoy: It's the sixties, you moron.
Chekov: Beef, Ham, cardboard, laminate, Lamb-
McCoy: This isn't Jamie Oliver's problem, it's ours. Leave the cooking stuff out of it.
Uhura: Why don't we just do what we always do when he has to hide the fact his ears are different?
Spock: Which is?
Uhura: A bandana.
Sulu(perkily): I have one.
Uhura: Er. . .no.
Sulu: Why the heck not?
Uhura: Because of the girls on it.
Kirk(snapping out of his insane sub-consciousness): I'll buy it off you!
Sulu: No.
Kirk(going back into his insane sub-consciousness): I well, I tried.
[Suddenly there is a beeping sound from the other side of the room: The Comm. Uhura answers it.]
Uhura: Swindon-Town takeaway parlour. You order, we will deliver!
Nameless-Admiral-That-Will-Never-Be-Seen-Again(over the Comm): Very funny. I just thought I'd ring to tell you that the Author is sending you a Reset Button. Just hit it and that debate will be over.
Uhura: Uh. . .What's a reset button?
Chekov: It vas a Russian-
[Sulu claps his hand over Chekov's mouth.]
NATWNBSA(over the Comm): It's like at the end of a really great story where you wake up and it was all a dream. It will reset the episode, since the Author has written herself into a corner.
Kirk(perking up): HERself?
Author(from backstage): May I remind you of the Tribbles?
Uhura: So, you mean, we push it, and none of this ever happened, right?
NATWNBSA: Are you stupid, woman?
Uhura(smugly): Not since "The Changeling".
[Suddenly a large red button beams itself onto the middle of the table. It has the word: RESET, SUCKERS written on the top.]
Kirk: Okay. So long, episode.
[He reaches over and pushes the button. Sparkly special effects. And then-]
~~
[Bridge: Enterprise. Kirk has just been handed a hand-held with an Email displayed on it. Suddenly, the Padd disappears.]
Kirk: Where'd it go?
Mirror-Chekov: vhere did vhat go?
Kirk(does a double take at Mirror Chekov. Then looks around. He is still on the USS Enterprise. And the non-Mirror Chekov is standing behind him, along with the rest of the non-mirror crew, looking confused): Um. . .what happened?
Mirror-Sulu(casually): Oh, we took over whilst you were gone.
Kirk: Let me guess. To be continued.
To Be Continued.
Kirk: See, I was right, wasn't I? Huh? I was!
