All's Normal on the Enterprise - Chapter Three - Latex shortage

~~

Reviewer Response:

Bug: - Gollum is more than likely my split personality. . .maybe.

Kaz: - I'm so glad my story made an impression on you and your husband. . .yes, the script idea. I guess someone had to screw up sooner or later. . .thank you very much!

~~

All's Normal, Part Three: - Latex shortage. . .leads to problems.

~~

[Bridge: Enterprise. Kirk has just been handed a hand-held with an Email displayed on it.]

Kirk(murmuring as he reads): Oh dear. . .oh no. . .he's not going to like that. . .THAT won't do. . .oh, please no. . .not MORE lines? Oh God. . .life won't be worth living. . .

Spock: Is something the matter, Captain?

Kirk: Well, yes indeed, Mr. Spock. Something that's going to affect us extremely badly. . .you especially. . .I'm so sorry. . .

[Kirk hangs his head in mourning. Then he looks at Chekov and it appears as though he's going to cry.]

Chekov: Vhat's the matter, Keptin?

Kirk(whispering): MORE lines?

[The brave, noble, dignified Captain gets to his feet in a very brave, noble, dignified way, then bursts into tears and runs to his room, screaming like a little girl.]

~~

[Kirk's Room: Door. Spock is standing outside the door, listening to the saddened Captain within.]

Spock: Is everything alright, Captain?

Kirk(through door): Does it SOUND alright?

Spock: I have told you before, Captain. Vulcan ears do not affect our listening capabilities.

Kirk(muttering something obscene before carrying on): It's actually about your ears, Spock.

Spock: I thought I have told you before that I will not tolerate taunts about my physical nature Captain-

Kirk(through door, still): I am not going to taunt you Spock. Y'see, there's been a strike at the American Latex corporation, which means they won't be supplying people with Latex anymore. . .and. . .eh. . .that means you don't get your ears. . .

Spock(turning a heavier tint of green): Captain! Who told you-

Kirk: Aww, c'mon, Spock! Everyone knows those things aren't real.

Spock: Point taken. What is Mr. Rodenbury going to do?

Kirk(cluelessly): Who?

Spock: Er. . .I meant, "what are WE going to do, Captain?"

Kirk: WE are going to find you a substitute. . .perhaps, wood?

Spock(disdainfully): Wood, Captain?

Kirk: Pine maybe?

Spock: Pine would snap, Captain.

Kirk: Oh.

Spock: What was your other major concern, regarding Ensign Chekov, if I may ask?

Kirk: You may, but I shall start crying again [Unseen to Spock, he wags his finger at the door) and you don't want that to happen, do you?

Spock: No.

Kirk: I'll tell you then. Star Fleet Command are demanding that we. . .oh, lord!

Spock: I fail to see what the Christian Deity has to do with our present situation, Captain.

Kirk: No, no, Spock, "oh lord" is a phrase. Never mind. (Trying to be brave) Anyway, concerning Chekov, we have to give him more lines.

Spock: MORE lines, Captain?

Kirk: Yes. More. Lines. Oh. God. *Cries*

~~

[Sick Bay: Doctor McCoy is examining a Red Shirt who has been chewing a piece of mint gum. The gum was just TOO strong, and has burned a hole through his tongue.]

McCoy: Hmm. . .

Red Shirt #567: Is it serious?

McCoy: Hmm. . .

Red Shirt(slightly panicky): Well, is it?

McCoy: Hmm. . .

Red Shirt(getting annoyed and grabbing McCoy by the collar): IS IT? ISITISITISITISITISI?????????????

McCoy: Hmm. . .there appears to be a hole in your tongue.

Red Shirt: A little bit slow today, aren't we?

McCoy: You're relieved. And you'll need a physical next Tuesday.

Red Shirt(in terror): NO!!!!!

[McCoy pushes the Red Shirt out of Sick Bay just as Kirk and Spock walk in. McCoy gasps. Spock has human ears.]

Spock: State even one comment, my dear Doctor, and I will be forced to splice you.

McCoy: Look! He's even sounding human! (Backing away as Spock takes a threatening step forwards) Okay, okay, I was joking. How can I help?

Kirk: There's an American Latex shortage. We need something to substitute for his ears.

McCoy: There's a Latex factory in Moscow. Just order some from there.

Kirk: What, and have Chekov following Spock around telling him how great everything to do with Russia is and . . . *cries*

McCoy: What's up with him?

Spock: Star Fleet has ordered that Ensign Chekov be given more lines in the course of an Episode.

McCoy: Oh dear. Well, let's sort that out later. Okay. Substitute for ears. Hmm. . .wood?

Spock: The best we could come up with is pine.

McCoy: Oh. Snap factor.

Kirk(between sobs): Howabout plastic?

McCoy: Too mass-produced.

Kirk: Oh. Um. . .paper?

McCoy: Too stupid.

Kirk: Well, excuse me for having an idea for once.

McCoy: That's it!

Kirk: What?

McCoy: An idea, idiot. Let's have a staff meeting. . .just like we always do when there's something wrong.

Kirk: Excellent! Boy, am I clever or what?

McCoy: *Sigh*

~~

[Staff-Meeting-Room-Room-That-Is-Sometimes-Used-As-A-Tribunal-Room: Everyone important (IE. Still alive) is there, goggling at Spock's Not-So- Spock ears.]

Uhura: Why-

Spock: Please reframe from asking unimportant questions. All will be revealed shortly.

Chekov: But-

Spock: Please reframe from asking unimportant questions. All will be revealed shortly.

Sulu(to everyone else): Great. He's got his answering machine on again.

Kirk: Okay, okay, order! I said, "order!" [Dead pan face for a sec, then] WILL YOU PEOPLE JUST SHUT UP BEFORE I RE-INTRODUCE THE TRIBBLES!

Everyone Else: *Silence*

Kirk: Ehem. Okay. We have a problem. As you can see, Mr. Spock appears to have lost his ears.

Chekov(muttering): Poet and didn't know it.

Kirk: What?

Chekov: Nothink.

Kirk(disbelieving): Riiiiiiiight. Anyway. We have a problem regarding Spock's ears.

Scotty: Ye've already said tha'.

Kirk: Riiiiiiight. Anyway. We have a slight dilemma with-

McCoy: Oh, for the love of God, I'll take over.

Spock(to himself more than others): I still fail to see what a deity has to do with out predicament.

McCoy(ignoring him): There is an American latex shortage, resulting in the fact that Mr. Spock will no longer have any ears.

Blondie(from the Emailing Series): He does have ears.

McCoy: Yes, but they're not Vulcan ears.

Blondie: Beggars can't be choosers.

Chekov: Zere's a Latex plant in Moscow. Vhy can't you use them?

McCoy: Because. . .of slight. . .um. . .implications involving the general way things are run and the technical hitches of the fact we don't like you.

Chekov: Vell that explains a lot.

McCoy: Doesn't it just? Anyway, what're we gonna do? He's one of THE main characters! One of the famous three!

Sulu: Why're you so concerned? You'd love to have a dig at Spock.

McCoy: Yes. But I want my face to stay this way for the next six decades or so.

Sulu: Oh. Okay.

[Pause]

McCoy: Doesn't anyone else have a brain? We can't use plastic, paper, wood, or latex, so what can we use?

Chekov(helpfully): Hay? Straw? Metal? Grass? Mud? Cloth? KA?

McCoy: KA?

Chekov: Komputer Animation.

McCoy: It's the sixties, you moron.

Chekov: Beef, Ham, cardboard, laminate, Lamb-

McCoy: This isn't Jamie Oliver's problem, it's ours. Leave the cooking stuff out of it.

Uhura: Why don't we just do what we always do when he has to hide the fact his ears are different?

Spock: Which is?

Uhura: A bandana.

Sulu(perkily): I have one.

Uhura: Er. . .no.

Sulu: Why the heck not?

Uhura: Because of the girls on it.

Kirk(snapping out of his insane sub-consciousness): I'll buy it off you!

Sulu: No.

Kirk(going back into his insane sub-consciousness): I well, I tried.

[Suddenly there is a beeping sound from the other side of the room: The Comm. Uhura answers it.]

Uhura: Swindon-Town takeaway parlour. You order, we will deliver!

Nameless-Admiral-That-Will-Never-Be-Seen-Again(over the Comm): Very funny. I just thought I'd ring to tell you that the Author is sending you a Reset Button. Just hit it and that debate will be over.

Uhura: Uh. . .What's a reset button?

Chekov: It vas a Russian-

[Sulu claps his hand over Chekov's mouth.]

NATWNBSA(over the Comm): It's like at the end of a really great story where you wake up and it was all a dream. It will reset the episode, since the Author has written herself into a corner.

Kirk(perking up): HERself?

Author(from backstage): May I remind you of the Tribbles?

Uhura: So, you mean, we push it, and none of this ever happened, right?

NATWNBSA: Are you stupid, woman?

Uhura(smugly): Not since "The Changeling".

[Suddenly a large red button beams itself onto the middle of the table. It has the word: RESET, SUCKERS written on the top.]

Kirk: Okay. So long, episode.

[He reaches over and pushes the button. Sparkly special effects. And then-]

~~

[Bridge: Enterprise. Kirk has just been handed a hand-held with an Email displayed on it. Suddenly, the Padd disappears.]

Kirk: Where'd it go?

Mirror-Chekov: vhere did vhat go?

Kirk(does a double take at Mirror Chekov. Then looks around. He is still on the USS Enterprise. And the non-Mirror Chekov is standing behind him, along with the rest of the non-mirror crew, looking confused): Um. . .what happened?

Mirror-Sulu(casually): Oh, we took over whilst you were gone.

Kirk: Let me guess. To be continued.

To Be Continued.

Kirk: See, I was right, wasn't I? Huh? I was!