All's Normal on the Enterprise Part Four

~~

Reviewer Notes: See: end of Chapter

~~

Author's Note: I've just finished reading Peach Bubblegum on FictionPress.com, so I'm in a little bit of a weird mood. (Peach Bubblegum is copyrighted to Bouncy Bunny, FictionPress.com. Please don't tell her I mentioned it, or I'll tell Kirk who put that dent in the Enterprise . . .)

~~

Previously on All's Normal:

[Kirk and co. are on the Bridge. . .with their Mirror Counterparts.]

Kirk: Um. . .what happened?

Mirror-Sulu(casually, lounging at Sulu's station): Oh, we took over whilst you were gone.

Kirk(to camera): Let me guess. To be continued.

To Be Continued.

Kirk: See, I was right, wasn't I? Huh?

[Is he ever NOT right? *Sigh* There's no justice in this world. . .]

~~

Kirk(to everyone): So. . .our Evil Mirror Counterparts are here and we don't have a plan because we've just come back from. . . uh. . .where DID we go?

Uhura(blankly): Remember! Author! Remember! Reset Button! Remember! RE- FLIPPING-MEMBER!

McCoy(aside to Spock): I didn't think this was Wrath Of Kahn. . .

Kirk(looking slightly bemused. . .or amused. . .okay, looking like he normally does when someone who is not HIM makes a suggestion): Okay, whatever. So, to recap, we're stuck on our ship, with our controls still working. . .but it's not us whose working them.

Mirror-Kirk: Do you ALWAYS state the obvious?

Kirk: Yeah. . .it's my job. . .I think. . .

Uhura(rolling eyes): No, duh. Okay. What're we going to do.

Mirror-Kirk: Heil me!

Kirk: NEVER!

Mirror-Kirk(whimpering): Please don't hurt me.

Mirror-Chekov(to Kirk, reproving): NOW can you see vhy I tried to kill you? I mean, him? I mean -

Mirror-Sulu: Hey, I tried to kill him too!

Mirror-Chekov: Did not!

Mirror-Sulu: Did to!

Uhura(to Mirror-Uhura): So, your boys are jerks too, huh?

Mirror-Uhura: Yup. I'm not evil, by the way. Well, I guess I'm sorta evil, sorta not evil. Y'know. Genocidal. Suicidal. Things like that.

Uhura(Slowly backing away): Riiiiight.

Mirror-Spock(to McCoy): Do such arguments take place with your two officers as well?

[In the background, Chekov is munching on a chocolate bar (Cadburys, English/American). Sulu asks for a piece. Chekov refuses. They start a fistfight.]

McCoy: Drop dead.

Mirror-Spock: That is highly illogical.

McCoy: I thought as much. (To Kirk) So, um, Jim? What're we going to do?

[It's no use. Kirk and Mirror-Kirk are having a standoff as to who can 'accidentally' influence a culture (See: A Private Little War, season Two). They also start a fistfight.]

Scotty(muttering): What is this, Trouble With Tribbles?

Spock: Illogical. This is the Author's season. Trouble With Tribbles was Season Two.

Mirror-Chekov(pausing in the fight): Vhat're Tribbles? (Resumes fight)

Kirk(pausing in his fight): Tribbles? Where? AAAAAAH! (Runs off Bridge.)

McCoy: That's it, leave us in charge with Pointy-Eared-Logical-Being- Turned-Pacifist-Who-Helps-Start-Wars-Anyway-Vulcan!

[. . .Pause. . .]

Spock: Am I in charge?

[?]

Mirror-Spock: Or am I?

Mirror-Kirk: I'm in charge, dummy!

Uhura: Not for much longer! (Knocks him out with a nail varnish bottle.)

Mirror-Sulu(pausing in fight, impressed): Nice move.

Uhura: Thank you but no thank you.

[Mirror-Sulu looks confused, shakes his head, then hits Mirror-Chekov again.]

McCoy: Now whose in charge?

Kahn(from View screen): I AM!!! HAHAAHAHAAHAHAAAA . . .wow. I have two Monkees.

Chekov: ?

Mirror-Chekov: ?

Everyone Else: ?

Kahn: Stop it! I am in charge of your vessel! I. . .wait a sec. . .

[Kahn appears in the middle of the bridge.]

Kahn: . . . I am NOW in charge of your vessel. Mwahaha. I'm evil.

Mirror-Kirk(pouting, whining): Not as Evil as Me!

Kahn: Am so.

Mirror-Kirk: Are not.

Kahn: Am-

Uhura: AHA! I have an idea!

[Kirk comes back onto the Bridge, still running on the spot.]

Kirk(still screaming between words): WHAT IS - *SHRIEK* - YOUR IDEA - *SCREAM* - UHURA?

Uhura: Kahn will have a counterpart same as us. He will be on our side. He will be doubly as strong. End of Problem.

Chekov: But how vill ve know that he von't be doubly as veak?

Spock: We can use technobabbly things to check we get the right Universe.

Everyone: ?

Spock: Trust me.

Everyone: *Grumble*

Kahn: And you think that I'm just going to stand by and LET this happen?

Kirk: YES.

Kahn: Fine then. (To Spock) Need any help?

~~

A few hours later . . .

[Transporter Room]

Spock: . . .and now I attach this watsamajiger to this fluxuatormajiger then I scratch my forehead then I ask Nurse Chapel to fetch me a wet cloth -

Nurse Chapel(who is just suddenly. . .THERE): WITH PLEASURE!

Spock: - then I do this and this. . .and then it should work!

McCoy: Vulcans can't use exclamation marks.

Spock: I don't apologise.

McCoy: Good! Hey, wait -

Mirror-Sulu: Will you just shut up already so that he can do this thing and he (jabs finger at Kahn, who is, by Spock's request, singing Opera in the corner) can shut up and we can take control again?

Kirk: Yeah. I could do with a vacation. Hurry up, Spock.

Spock: Yes Captain.

[Spock continues to do Technobabbly things for a further few minutes (Kahn reaches the climax of his song and one of the panels on the Transporter Padd blows up), then announces he's ready. Everyone holds their breath.]

[Magically sparkly things appear on one of the Pads that isn't broken. A Kahn appears. He is wearing a Te-Shirt that says "Save the Computer Graphics" in swirly writing, sunglasses on his forehead, baggy shorts, and has long greasy hair. He is a dweeb.]

Chekov(doubtfully): Are you sure you didn't mess up?

Spock: Are you calling me a liar? Vulcans cannot lie or make mistakes. Don't judge a book by it's -

[Spock is interrupted as Evil Kahn dies from laughing.]

Spock: - you see, it worked. Now the Mirrors are back in charge.

Mirrors: YAY!

Kirk: Er, no. Not yay. Hmm. The episode time is running out. I mean, really running out. It's running down. Being worn down. By Uhura. By someone. I need a scapegoat. Er. . .never mind. . .

Author(appearing on screen): Did someone say they needed a quick-fix? I'll give you one! Ehem: "And Jim Kirk woke up, and it was all a dream."

Kirk: No. That's a stupid quick fix. Let's leave I till next time!

Author: Oooh, Cliff-hanger. MWAHAHA!

To Be Continued.

Reviewer Notes: Next time, I promise! Ff.net keeps experiencing an overload, and I can't remember what you GREAT guys out there put! Damn everything.

~~