Cauchemar Part 4: Laughter, Tears, Hopes and Fears
By koaladeb
Disclaimer info in part 1
When Calleigh got back to the lab, she noticed that Valera had arrived in her short absence. Calleigh looked in on her, pushing aside the familiar discomfort she felt around the new CSI and reminding herself that this was yet another working relationship that needed a new start today. She took a moment to study the girl, no, young woman. Valera was fresh out of college and still had a look of innocence, not yet tempered by disappointment or experience. The eagerness she had initially displayed when she began working at CSI had recently been replaced with resignation and disappointment. Calleigh had made her transition difficult, pointing out every mistake, demanding more detail, more research, more effort. The poor girl's enthusiasm was almost gone. Calleigh squared her shoulders and fixed a friendly smile on her face, ready to admit her mistakes in dealing with the young CSI.
"Good morning, Valera," Calleigh said, "Did you see the doughnuts upstairs?"
Valera jumped at Calleigh's voice, turning to face her superior with a guarded look and stiffness in her shoulders. "No, I thought I should come straight here and look over the DNA comparisons for the Roberts file again, but I can't seem to find it."
"Oh," Calleigh responded. "I have them over here. You did a great job."
Valera's cautious look took on a hue of resignation. "But?" she asked.
Calleigh realized that she was expecting a reprimand or a list of deficiencies. What have I done? she asked herself. She must think I'm some kind of perfectionist monster that's only out to trample her good spirits. Oh well, time to show her the other, more supportive side of Calleigh Duquesne. "But nothing. You did a first-rate job. Your notes are detailed, your research on-target, and your conclusions well-supported. I know that I've been really territorial and that I've taken it out on you these past couple months, and I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable or unwelcome. You're becoming a valuable member of the team. Your work lately has been above par. I'm truly impressed." Calleigh allowed a smile to spread across her face as a look of astonishment, relief, pleasure, and pride crossed Valera's. "The report doesn't need any more work. Go get yourself a doughnut before all the good ones are taken. When you get back, I'll need your assistance on another project I'm working on. I'll even teach you some things about ballistics and trace evidence, if you're interested."
Valera looked interested. "Really? You will? What's the case about? How can I help? I can start right now, if you want."
Calleigh chuckled. Ah, youth. She thought. So eager to please. "Go get your doughnut. This will keep for a few minutes."
Valera nodded and walked out, promising to be back in a couple of minutes, wanting to not mess with Calleigh's newfound amiability. Calleigh just shook her head and allowed herself a wry smile. Valera was a good kid with potential; all she needed was a little encouragement. And a mentor that isn't constantly breathing down her neck, pointing out every mistake, Calleigh reminded herself. She still had some bridges to mend with that girl, and a little extra attention over the next couple days wasn't out of the question. Hopefully she could fix the mistake her initial coldness and, in the process, rid herself of the unjustified suspicion she had managed to build up against Valera. Calleigh was relieved that her initial overture had gone over so well. Unlike my encounter with Horatio this morning. The thought came unbidden to her mind, quickly killing her satisfaction and good mood. Moving on, moving on. Calleigh chanted to herself. Obsessing led you to this, remember? It will get easier with time. Let go and move on.
When Valera returned to the lab, Calleigh called her over to a table that had evidence from a recent case spread over its surface. It was something Calleigh had already finished working on, but was a good case to use as a teaching opportunity. She allowed Valera to examine the physical evidence and the trace results, even setting up the comparative microscope and walking the young woman through procedures for identifying a match. They went over the evidence together, Calleigh asking for the younger CSI's impressions, offering advice and encouragement and expressing approval when she came to the correct conclusion. They filled out the report together and Calleigh was happy to see that Valera was more comfortable in her presence, offering comments and suggestions with greater confidence. Calleigh felt better herself, the familiar rhythm of analyzing evidence lifting her spirits to where they had been that morning. After they had finished, Calleigh called for a break, grabbing sodas from a vending machine and bringing out the magazine again. The two women flipped through it, looking at pictures and joking about what hairstyles Calleigh should consider trying. Valera approved of the cut Calleigh had been considering earlier, saying that soft curls would add an aura of fun and the shorter style would be welcome considering the heat and humidity of Miami.
After their bonding, Calleigh allowed Valera to work alone on a couple of slam-dunk cases and headed over to talk to Alexx. The previous week's light workload had allowed her to finish all her cases and required paperwork, and Alexx had been on vacation for the last to weeks. Calleigh was looking forward to hearing stories of the kids' first visit to Disney. She entered the autopsy theater to find Alexx humming "It's a Small World After All" absentmindedly while making an inventory of supplies.
"I take it Janie and Bryan had a great time," Calleigh said with a smile.
Alexx turned around and smiled in response. "They haven't stopped talking about it," she said, "They keep asking why we can't move to Orlando."
"Oh, Lord help us all!" Calleigh chuckled. "I take it you don't share their yearning for mouse ears and tourists?"
"That would be correct, Detective," Alex answered. "So, girl, how have things been around here? I can see that Rick has managed to not reorder supplies in my absence."
Calleigh rolled her eyes. Rick Stetler was hopeless without Alexx's careful supervision. "I wonder sometimes about that man. You'd think that someone who graduated from medical school would have an ounce of common sense in him. We've been counting the hours until you got back."
"Good to know I've been missed," Alexx said. "Things will get better with Rick. He just needs a little more experience. At least I know I won't be taken for granted anytime soon."
Calleigh looked over and smiled at her friend. "That will never happen. You're the soul of this place, Alexx. I don't know what I would do if you weren't around."
Alexx took a careful look at her friend. Before she had left, Alexx had noticed that her usually cheerful friend had been growing more and more withdrawn and that her engaging smile had all but disappeared. It had been going on for almost two months, starting when Horatio had begun making advanced toward Yelina. Looking carefully at her friend, Alexx was pleased to discover that Calleigh looked more relaxed than when she had left, as though some of the weight she had been under had lifted. Still, the playful spark had not yet returned to her friend's eyes. "How have you been, honey?" she asked in a more subdued tone.
With that simple question, Calleigh felt the emotions begin to rise up in her again she dropped her eyes before Alexx could see the pain they contained. Though the question was not specific, she knew what Alexx was really asking. That woman was too observant at times! She wanted to know how Calleigh was dealing with Horatio. Calleigh took a deep breath and prepared her answer. Alexx could see though a lie as quickly as Horatio, but there had to be a way to give her enough information to satisfy the question while making it clear that Calleigh didn't want to open up completely. Before she spoke, the thought crossed her mind that she should let Alexx become her confidant, but she tossed it aside just as quickly. This is my issue to work through, Calleigh thought to herself, I can't let other people solve my problems for me. She reigned in her emotions, and met Alexx's compassionate gaze. "I've been fine," she said carefully. "You know, working on cases, enjoying some free time. I spent the weekend cleaning out my apartment, getting ready for the new season."
Alexx stood there quietly for a moment, noticing the hesitation and registering the evasive nature of Calleigh's answer. She knew the younger woman was purposely avoiding talking about her feelings directly, but she knew how to read between the lines of what Calleigh was saying. Alex looked into Calleigh's eyes. They were a little sad, but determined, and they held a silent request to honor her request for privacy. Alexx felt a twinge of sadness as she studied Calleigh's face. Oh honey, she thought to herself, you've decided to go through this alone. When will you learn that asking for help isn't a weakness? She decided to respect the young woman's decision, but wasn't going to let her off completely, so she allowed herself one more observation. "Belated Spring cleaning, eh? I tend to go a little overboard when I get in the mood to simplify my life. In my zeal to get rid of the clutter I always wind up either throwing out or packing away some precious items that would bring me comfort if I had kept them around." Alexx coupled the last comment with a pointed look in her friend's direction. Don't push me away she said with her eyes.
Calleigh breathed a sigh of relief. Alexx was not going to press the issue. She also caught the double-meaning in her friend's comment and the request in Alexx's eyes. She let a small smile cross her lips and nodded a silent "thank you" to her friend. "I was careful. I didn't throw away anything that I thought I would need in the long run. It was just time to let go of the past and make room for change. You know?"
Alexx was reassured by the glimmer of peace she now saw in Calleigh's eyes. You're going to be ok she thought. She smiled back and said, "You know you can come to me for help if you need to sort through anything else. There's no fun in doing it all by yourself."
Calleigh maintained her smile, relaxing into a more comfortable topic of conversation. "I know that, but I've already finished. So did I interrupt when I walked in?"
"You didn't interrupt anything. You provided me with a much-needed break from doing inventory." Alexx answered.
"Ouch." Calleigh joked. "I'm sure that was one thing you definitely didn't miss on your vacation."
"Definitely not. As a mater of fact, I actually considered that move to Orlando when I saw the status of my cabinet here." Alexx smiled at Calleigh, letting her know that it didn't bother her at all. Everyone knew how much Alexx loved to organize her supplies.
"Well I think I've distracted you long enough" Calleigh said, laughing at her friend's grousing. "I'll let you get back to your inventory. Thanks for the chat."
Alexx picked up her clipboard and looked back at Calleigh. "Sure thing. By the way-what's this I hear about a hair cut? You're not going to do anything drastic, are you?"
"Wow, there's no such thing as a secret around here," Calleigh replied, shaking her head. "It's not like I'm going to dye it pink and put it in spikes. I'm just thinking about a little trim and maybe some curls. You know how it is, I need a change."
Alexx nodded her understanding. "No explanations necessary. I think it's the right thing. Come see me as soon as you do it. I want to be the first to see the new, improved Calleigh Duquesne."
Calleigh felt the last of her tension drain away. Alexx did understand, and approved her decision. "You got it. See you around," Calleigh said with a small wave. Alexx nodded and turned her attention back to inventory. Calleigh left, not seeing Alexx glance back in her direction.
Alexx watched her friend leave with a little more confidence than when she had entered. I hope your pain passes quickly, she thought to herself. You're too good a person to let this keep you from happiness. Her thoughts turned to Horatio and she couldn't help the tinge of anger she felt for the man who had unknowingly hurt her friend. What are you thinking, Horatio? She thought, not for the first time. Why can't you see what was right in front of you? With a small sigh for what might have been, Alexx refocused her thoughts on the task at hand. She was low on some necessary supplies and she needed to reorder them quickly. I'm going to need to talk to Rick about ordering supplies. It's time that man learned how to fill out a requisition form anyway.
Neither of he women had noticed that someone was watching them from the viewing room. The observer had been listening to the conversation with passing interest. Nothing important had been said anyway. All of the final details were now in place and it was time for the games to begin. The ominous voice rang hollow in the empty room. "No such thing as a secret around here? You know better than to think that, Calleigh." The observer said quietly. "You and I both have things we choose to hide. And just because you want to let go of the past, doesn't mean that the past wants to let go of you."
When Calleigh got back to the lab, she noticed that Valera had arrived in her short absence. Calleigh looked in on her, pushing aside the familiar discomfort she felt around the new CSI and reminding herself that this was yet another working relationship that needed a new start today. She took a moment to study the girl, no, young woman. Valera was fresh out of college and still had a look of innocence, not yet tempered by disappointment or experience. The eagerness she had initially displayed when she began working at CSI had recently been replaced with resignation and disappointment. Calleigh had made her transition difficult, pointing out every mistake, demanding more detail, more research, more effort. The poor girl's enthusiasm was almost gone. Calleigh squared her shoulders and fixed a friendly smile on her face, ready to admit her mistakes in dealing with the young CSI.
"Good morning, Valera," Calleigh said, "Did you see the doughnuts upstairs?"
Valera jumped at Calleigh's voice, turning to face her superior with a guarded look and stiffness in her shoulders. "No, I thought I should come straight here and look over the DNA comparisons for the Roberts file again, but I can't seem to find it."
"Oh," Calleigh responded. "I have them over here. You did a great job."
Valera's cautious look took on a hue of resignation. "But?" she asked.
Calleigh realized that she was expecting a reprimand or a list of deficiencies. What have I done? she asked herself. She must think I'm some kind of perfectionist monster that's only out to trample her good spirits. Oh well, time to show her the other, more supportive side of Calleigh Duquesne. "But nothing. You did a first-rate job. Your notes are detailed, your research on-target, and your conclusions well-supported. I know that I've been really territorial and that I've taken it out on you these past couple months, and I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable or unwelcome. You're becoming a valuable member of the team. Your work lately has been above par. I'm truly impressed." Calleigh allowed a smile to spread across her face as a look of astonishment, relief, pleasure, and pride crossed Valera's. "The report doesn't need any more work. Go get yourself a doughnut before all the good ones are taken. When you get back, I'll need your assistance on another project I'm working on. I'll even teach you some things about ballistics and trace evidence, if you're interested."
Valera looked interested. "Really? You will? What's the case about? How can I help? I can start right now, if you want."
Calleigh chuckled. Ah, youth. She thought. So eager to please. "Go get your doughnut. This will keep for a few minutes."
Valera nodded and walked out, promising to be back in a couple of minutes, wanting to not mess with Calleigh's newfound amiability. Calleigh just shook her head and allowed herself a wry smile. Valera was a good kid with potential; all she needed was a little encouragement. And a mentor that isn't constantly breathing down her neck, pointing out every mistake, Calleigh reminded herself. She still had some bridges to mend with that girl, and a little extra attention over the next couple days wasn't out of the question. Hopefully she could fix the mistake her initial coldness and, in the process, rid herself of the unjustified suspicion she had managed to build up against Valera. Calleigh was relieved that her initial overture had gone over so well. Unlike my encounter with Horatio this morning. The thought came unbidden to her mind, quickly killing her satisfaction and good mood. Moving on, moving on. Calleigh chanted to herself. Obsessing led you to this, remember? It will get easier with time. Let go and move on.
When Valera returned to the lab, Calleigh called her over to a table that had evidence from a recent case spread over its surface. It was something Calleigh had already finished working on, but was a good case to use as a teaching opportunity. She allowed Valera to examine the physical evidence and the trace results, even setting up the comparative microscope and walking the young woman through procedures for identifying a match. They went over the evidence together, Calleigh asking for the younger CSI's impressions, offering advice and encouragement and expressing approval when she came to the correct conclusion. They filled out the report together and Calleigh was happy to see that Valera was more comfortable in her presence, offering comments and suggestions with greater confidence. Calleigh felt better herself, the familiar rhythm of analyzing evidence lifting her spirits to where they had been that morning. After they had finished, Calleigh called for a break, grabbing sodas from a vending machine and bringing out the magazine again. The two women flipped through it, looking at pictures and joking about what hairstyles Calleigh should consider trying. Valera approved of the cut Calleigh had been considering earlier, saying that soft curls would add an aura of fun and the shorter style would be welcome considering the heat and humidity of Miami.
After their bonding, Calleigh allowed Valera to work alone on a couple of slam-dunk cases and headed over to talk to Alexx. The previous week's light workload had allowed her to finish all her cases and required paperwork, and Alexx had been on vacation for the last to weeks. Calleigh was looking forward to hearing stories of the kids' first visit to Disney. She entered the autopsy theater to find Alexx humming "It's a Small World After All" absentmindedly while making an inventory of supplies.
"I take it Janie and Bryan had a great time," Calleigh said with a smile.
Alexx turned around and smiled in response. "They haven't stopped talking about it," she said, "They keep asking why we can't move to Orlando."
"Oh, Lord help us all!" Calleigh chuckled. "I take it you don't share their yearning for mouse ears and tourists?"
"That would be correct, Detective," Alex answered. "So, girl, how have things been around here? I can see that Rick has managed to not reorder supplies in my absence."
Calleigh rolled her eyes. Rick Stetler was hopeless without Alexx's careful supervision. "I wonder sometimes about that man. You'd think that someone who graduated from medical school would have an ounce of common sense in him. We've been counting the hours until you got back."
"Good to know I've been missed," Alexx said. "Things will get better with Rick. He just needs a little more experience. At least I know I won't be taken for granted anytime soon."
Calleigh looked over and smiled at her friend. "That will never happen. You're the soul of this place, Alexx. I don't know what I would do if you weren't around."
Alexx took a careful look at her friend. Before she had left, Alexx had noticed that her usually cheerful friend had been growing more and more withdrawn and that her engaging smile had all but disappeared. It had been going on for almost two months, starting when Horatio had begun making advanced toward Yelina. Looking carefully at her friend, Alexx was pleased to discover that Calleigh looked more relaxed than when she had left, as though some of the weight she had been under had lifted. Still, the playful spark had not yet returned to her friend's eyes. "How have you been, honey?" she asked in a more subdued tone.
With that simple question, Calleigh felt the emotions begin to rise up in her again she dropped her eyes before Alexx could see the pain they contained. Though the question was not specific, she knew what Alexx was really asking. That woman was too observant at times! She wanted to know how Calleigh was dealing with Horatio. Calleigh took a deep breath and prepared her answer. Alexx could see though a lie as quickly as Horatio, but there had to be a way to give her enough information to satisfy the question while making it clear that Calleigh didn't want to open up completely. Before she spoke, the thought crossed her mind that she should let Alexx become her confidant, but she tossed it aside just as quickly. This is my issue to work through, Calleigh thought to herself, I can't let other people solve my problems for me. She reigned in her emotions, and met Alexx's compassionate gaze. "I've been fine," she said carefully. "You know, working on cases, enjoying some free time. I spent the weekend cleaning out my apartment, getting ready for the new season."
Alexx stood there quietly for a moment, noticing the hesitation and registering the evasive nature of Calleigh's answer. She knew the younger woman was purposely avoiding talking about her feelings directly, but she knew how to read between the lines of what Calleigh was saying. Alex looked into Calleigh's eyes. They were a little sad, but determined, and they held a silent request to honor her request for privacy. Alexx felt a twinge of sadness as she studied Calleigh's face. Oh honey, she thought to herself, you've decided to go through this alone. When will you learn that asking for help isn't a weakness? She decided to respect the young woman's decision, but wasn't going to let her off completely, so she allowed herself one more observation. "Belated Spring cleaning, eh? I tend to go a little overboard when I get in the mood to simplify my life. In my zeal to get rid of the clutter I always wind up either throwing out or packing away some precious items that would bring me comfort if I had kept them around." Alexx coupled the last comment with a pointed look in her friend's direction. Don't push me away she said with her eyes.
Calleigh breathed a sigh of relief. Alexx was not going to press the issue. She also caught the double-meaning in her friend's comment and the request in Alexx's eyes. She let a small smile cross her lips and nodded a silent "thank you" to her friend. "I was careful. I didn't throw away anything that I thought I would need in the long run. It was just time to let go of the past and make room for change. You know?"
Alexx was reassured by the glimmer of peace she now saw in Calleigh's eyes. You're going to be ok she thought. She smiled back and said, "You know you can come to me for help if you need to sort through anything else. There's no fun in doing it all by yourself."
Calleigh maintained her smile, relaxing into a more comfortable topic of conversation. "I know that, but I've already finished. So did I interrupt when I walked in?"
"You didn't interrupt anything. You provided me with a much-needed break from doing inventory." Alexx answered.
"Ouch." Calleigh joked. "I'm sure that was one thing you definitely didn't miss on your vacation."
"Definitely not. As a mater of fact, I actually considered that move to Orlando when I saw the status of my cabinet here." Alexx smiled at Calleigh, letting her know that it didn't bother her at all. Everyone knew how much Alexx loved to organize her supplies.
"Well I think I've distracted you long enough" Calleigh said, laughing at her friend's grousing. "I'll let you get back to your inventory. Thanks for the chat."
Alexx picked up her clipboard and looked back at Calleigh. "Sure thing. By the way-what's this I hear about a hair cut? You're not going to do anything drastic, are you?"
"Wow, there's no such thing as a secret around here," Calleigh replied, shaking her head. "It's not like I'm going to dye it pink and put it in spikes. I'm just thinking about a little trim and maybe some curls. You know how it is, I need a change."
Alexx nodded her understanding. "No explanations necessary. I think it's the right thing. Come see me as soon as you do it. I want to be the first to see the new, improved Calleigh Duquesne."
Calleigh felt the last of her tension drain away. Alexx did understand, and approved her decision. "You got it. See you around," Calleigh said with a small wave. Alexx nodded and turned her attention back to inventory. Calleigh left, not seeing Alexx glance back in her direction.
Alexx watched her friend leave with a little more confidence than when she had entered. I hope your pain passes quickly, she thought to herself. You're too good a person to let this keep you from happiness. Her thoughts turned to Horatio and she couldn't help the tinge of anger she felt for the man who had unknowingly hurt her friend. What are you thinking, Horatio? She thought, not for the first time. Why can't you see what was right in front of you? With a small sigh for what might have been, Alexx refocused her thoughts on the task at hand. She was low on some necessary supplies and she needed to reorder them quickly. I'm going to need to talk to Rick about ordering supplies. It's time that man learned how to fill out a requisition form anyway.
Neither of he women had noticed that someone was watching them from the viewing room. The observer had been listening to the conversation with passing interest. Nothing important had been said anyway. All of the final details were now in place and it was time for the games to begin. The ominous voice rang hollow in the empty room. "No such thing as a secret around here? You know better than to think that, Calleigh." The observer said quietly. "You and I both have things we choose to hide. And just because you want to let go of the past, doesn't mean that the past wants to let go of you."
