Cauchemar Part 11: Interventions
By koaladeb
Disclaimer info in part 1
A/N: The final lines from Alexx and Calleigh in this fic were not written by me. I have adapted them from a fic on yahoo groups by Dee Dumaurier and am using them here with her permission-you'll understand why.they were just too perfect to pass up. Her story, called "A Talk with Toby" can be found at the JoshDonnaFF group (West Wing), message #16942
~~~~~~~~~~
Horatio didn't feel like sleeping when he left Calleigh's apartment. He went to the office instead, determined to find out every last piece of information he could about this Trevor Wilson. He walked to the labs first, deciding to check in with Eric and Speed. "What do you have for me?" he asked.
Speed and Eric checked with each other, figuring out who would go first. Eric stepped up. "I ran that check on the powder Calleigh gave me is the closest we've come to a match. The samples came from different lots, but I can tell you that it's the same maker."
Horatio nodded, looking over the printed report. "And you?" he looked up at Speed.
"Calleigh gave me a name. We confirmed the print belongs to a man named Trevor Wilson.he's"
Horatio interrupted. "I know. Calleigh told me about him too. You got his file?" Speed handed Horatio a printout. "Good work, you guys. I'm going to look these over. You to go home and get some rest, ok?"
The guys nodded and began gathering their belongings. "Pardon me for asking," Speed started. "But weren't you going to stay with Calleigh tonight?"
Horatio didn't look up from Wilson's file. "There's a uniform at her apartment and she made it clear that he was more than sufficient. Good night."
Reading Horatio's signal to back off, Speed and Eric left without further comment. Horatio leaned back against a table and pinched the bridge of his nose. He could feel a headache coming on. Pushing off from the table, he went upstairs to his office and spread the file out on his desk, pulling some Tylenol from a desk drawer. If Calleigh wouldn't let him be with her in person to protect her from this guy, he was just going to have to work behind the scenes. He fought off the memories of their argument and focused on the papers in front of him. Calleigh's physical safety came first. Once she was safe, he would delve more into what had just happened in her apartment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alexx found Horatio still at his desk the following morning. She closed the door behind her loudly to get his attention. "What can I do for you, Alexx?" he asked.
"You can tell me what is gong on between you and Calleigh." She answered.
"I don't understand," Horatio replied, leaning back in his chair.
Alexx sat down in a chair, facing him head on. "I'm talking about you up here all night looking like you've lost your best friend and Calleigh down in the lab just looking lost, period."
Horatio closed his eyes and dropped he head a little. "It's not important. Right now, we're trying to focus on getting a killer off the streets."
Alexx reached over and tilted Horatio's head back up, forcing him to look at her. "It is important if you and Calleigh lose yourselves and each other in the process. What good will it do save her life but lose what you have together?"
Horatio smiled bitterly. "According to Calleigh, I lost her weeks ago. Maybe you can explain what she meant. What exactly have I been missing around here?"
Alexx frowned. She could see now what had happened. They finally had it out and now both of them were hurting. She didn't know who to be more mad at. Calleigh for rebuffing Horatio's attempts to reconnect with her or Horatio for chasing off after Yelina and causing the problem in the first place. Blame didn't matter right now, though. She had two friends in pain and that needed to be addressed first. "I can't tell you what she meant," she answered Horatio. "At least, not with a little more context."
Horatio let himself smile a little. Alexx was a great person to talk to. She would listen, ask questions, and either give advice or leave you with enough questions to figure it out for yourself. He opened up to her, talking about his realization that he had been pushing everyone away, his attempts to rekindle friendships, and how everyone had been receptive except Calleigh. He talked about his frustration as she help him off at a polite distance and refused to let him into her confidence, her stubborn refusals to let him help her. "What am I supposed to do, Alexx?" he finished. "If she won't let me close enough to see what it was I did that hurt her, how am I supposed to fix it?"
Alexx sat quietly for a moment, considering the best way to handle this. "It's not up to you to fix this," she started. "No one has the right to meddle with another person's heart. Let me ask you some things though. She looked up and Horatio indicated that she go ahead. "You said that you and Calleigh were connected and balanced each other before. What did you mean?"
Horatio thought, then answered. "We just seemed to know what the other person needed," he began. "She knew when I was hurting and didn't want to talk about it. She wouldn't make any kind of comment or display of sympathy, she would just be there with me, you know? I knew that she was there and she understood and it eased my burden. And I think it was the same for her. We talked about it a little after Janet was killed. I could tell she was in pain, and I went to her apartment. We didn't talk about it, we just ended up watching some old movies on tv and sitting together. When I left she thanked me for understanding and making it easier for her. I used to be able to know what she was feeling, sometimes even what she was thinking. There were times when it was just the two of us in a room, connected and working as one. Now, whenever we come close to that, she shuts down and blocks all my attempts to get close to her."
"That was quite and explanation," Alexx chuckled. Horatio had to laugh too. Obviously, he had put way too much thought into this. "Answer me this: you said Calleigh shut down and that she was blocking you. You think this connection is still there?"
"I hope it is," Horatio said. "I know my end is open. And I'm pretty sure she's aware of it, otherwise she wouldn't be fighting me so hard."
"New question," Alexx said. "How much work did you have to put into creating this bond the first time around?"
"None," Horatio replied automatically. "It just happened. We connected. We never had to really try before."
"Ok. Now, do you have that kind of friendship with anyone else? Me, or Eric, or Speed?"
"No. I mean, I know we're there for each other and we respect and like each other, but I don't have that kind of connection with any of you."
"That's right. You're not emotionally invested in us the way you are with Calleigh. And she's not invested like that the way she was with you." Alexx leaned back, wondering if Horatio grasped what she was saying. He didn't disappoint.
"You said was." Horatio commented, frowning. "What changed?"
"I'm going to make a couple of observations here and then leave you alone to think," Alexx said. "You talked with me after you broke up with Yelina about how "Love shouldn't be this hard." You put all your energy into your relationship with her. You tried to create a relationship where you could depend on each other. And I think that was right. You should have that kind of connection with your partner in life. And whether you knew it or not, you were trying to create the kind of connection you had with Calleigh with her. In order to do it, you pulled away from everyone else. We all saw it, and Calleigh felt it most of all. She understood what it meant, so she let you go, Horatio. She respected what she saw was your desire to form a lasting relationship with someone else and she released you from your connection to her. But that left her out there by herself with no one to hold on to, so she started depending on herself to get though everything. It was a huge change for her Horatio, and one that hurt her a lot! Think about how you're feeling right now and then multiply it a few times. You may only have noticed this in the past couple of weeks, but Calleigh's felt it for the past two and a half months."
Horatio sat, thinking. Alexx was right about a lot of things, and it would take some time to process everything she had said. Alexx seemed to realize this, so she stood up to leave. "One more thing," she said, walking towards the door. "You might want to consider what it means when your bond with Calleigh was so effortless while you couldn't form anything with Yelina. Even when you brought your considerable will into play." Horatio nodded, still silent.
Alexx walked out and headed down stairs. One blind fool down, one self- deceiving fool to go. She found her target in the ballistics lab. "Calleigh!" she greeted. "Just the person I was looking for!"
Calleigh turned and faced Alexx. She had spent another night wavering between fear and regret. Just when she thought she was over Horatio, she found new depths of disappointment and pain. "Hi Alexx," she responded noncommittally. "What can I do for you?"
Alexx rolled her eyes. Same greeting, same problem. "You can come walk with me. I have a few things to say to you."
Calleigh shrugged and got up to follow Alexx. When they got to the autopsy theater, Alexx wrapped Calleigh in a hug and said, "I know you and H had a fight last night. Let it out."
Calleigh hugged the woman back but no tears fell. She had used them up the night before. Today, the resulting numbness was her greatest ally. "I'm through crying Alexx," she said. "You're right. We had it out. And now I think we'll both move on."
Alexx pulled back and looked at her friend. "Oh, honey," she said, "you couldn't be more wrong. All I have to do is look at either one of you and I know that you two aren't going anywhere but the land of denial."
Calleigh gave off a half-smile and shoved Alexx gently. "Give me a break. There was a process involved. I'm good to go here."
"No, you're not," Alexx replied, "And neither is he." Calleigh started to walk away, no longer wishing to discuss what was happening, but Alexx pulled her back. "Look, you don't have to agree with what I'm about to say, but I want you to listen to me anyway."
Calleigh relented and looked silently into Alexx's eyes. "He hurt you, yes. But he didn't know what he was doing, and you know that. He made a mistake. He's been trying to reach out to you again and that should count for something."
"I know he is," Calleigh said quietly. "But only as a friend. And that's not enough for me anymore. I can't be in love with him and have him look right through me anymore. I don't think that I can let myself give him the power to hurt me like that again."
"It's your decision to make," Alexx said. "But make sure it is one that you will be able to live with. And I think that you're not giving Horatio enough credit. He knows that what you to have goes beyond friendship, he just hasn't figured out how far is goes yet. But he will in time, Calleigh, so you need to figure out what it is that you want. If you decide that you don't want that deep a connection with Horatio, that's one thing. But you shouldn't let fear rob you of happiness. I would hate to see you give up on what could be the greatest joy of your life because you were afraid of getting hurt."
"He'll never see me like that," Calleigh replied. "That much I've learned in the past few months. If it was going to happen, it would have happened by now. He's already moved on with his life, so I'm going to keep on moving ahead with mine." Calleigh walked towards the door, having said her piece.
"It's too late to move on, you know," Alexx called out to her friend. "It doesn't really matter if anything happened between you and Horatio or not. It already happened in your heart."
Calleigh stopped, her hand on the door. "Hearts can be broken, Alexx," she said without looking back. "You can crack them open and empty them of everything. If you have to." She walked out, letting the door close silently behind her.
A/N: The final lines from Alexx and Calleigh in this fic were not written by me. I have adapted them from a fic on yahoo groups by Dee Dumaurier and am using them here with her permission-you'll understand why.they were just too perfect to pass up. Her story, called "A Talk with Toby" can be found at the JoshDonnaFF group (West Wing), message #16942
~~~~~~~~~~
Horatio didn't feel like sleeping when he left Calleigh's apartment. He went to the office instead, determined to find out every last piece of information he could about this Trevor Wilson. He walked to the labs first, deciding to check in with Eric and Speed. "What do you have for me?" he asked.
Speed and Eric checked with each other, figuring out who would go first. Eric stepped up. "I ran that check on the powder Calleigh gave me is the closest we've come to a match. The samples came from different lots, but I can tell you that it's the same maker."
Horatio nodded, looking over the printed report. "And you?" he looked up at Speed.
"Calleigh gave me a name. We confirmed the print belongs to a man named Trevor Wilson.he's"
Horatio interrupted. "I know. Calleigh told me about him too. You got his file?" Speed handed Horatio a printout. "Good work, you guys. I'm going to look these over. You to go home and get some rest, ok?"
The guys nodded and began gathering their belongings. "Pardon me for asking," Speed started. "But weren't you going to stay with Calleigh tonight?"
Horatio didn't look up from Wilson's file. "There's a uniform at her apartment and she made it clear that he was more than sufficient. Good night."
Reading Horatio's signal to back off, Speed and Eric left without further comment. Horatio leaned back against a table and pinched the bridge of his nose. He could feel a headache coming on. Pushing off from the table, he went upstairs to his office and spread the file out on his desk, pulling some Tylenol from a desk drawer. If Calleigh wouldn't let him be with her in person to protect her from this guy, he was just going to have to work behind the scenes. He fought off the memories of their argument and focused on the papers in front of him. Calleigh's physical safety came first. Once she was safe, he would delve more into what had just happened in her apartment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alexx found Horatio still at his desk the following morning. She closed the door behind her loudly to get his attention. "What can I do for you, Alexx?" he asked.
"You can tell me what is gong on between you and Calleigh." She answered.
"I don't understand," Horatio replied, leaning back in his chair.
Alexx sat down in a chair, facing him head on. "I'm talking about you up here all night looking like you've lost your best friend and Calleigh down in the lab just looking lost, period."
Horatio closed his eyes and dropped he head a little. "It's not important. Right now, we're trying to focus on getting a killer off the streets."
Alexx reached over and tilted Horatio's head back up, forcing him to look at her. "It is important if you and Calleigh lose yourselves and each other in the process. What good will it do save her life but lose what you have together?"
Horatio smiled bitterly. "According to Calleigh, I lost her weeks ago. Maybe you can explain what she meant. What exactly have I been missing around here?"
Alexx frowned. She could see now what had happened. They finally had it out and now both of them were hurting. She didn't know who to be more mad at. Calleigh for rebuffing Horatio's attempts to reconnect with her or Horatio for chasing off after Yelina and causing the problem in the first place. Blame didn't matter right now, though. She had two friends in pain and that needed to be addressed first. "I can't tell you what she meant," she answered Horatio. "At least, not with a little more context."
Horatio let himself smile a little. Alexx was a great person to talk to. She would listen, ask questions, and either give advice or leave you with enough questions to figure it out for yourself. He opened up to her, talking about his realization that he had been pushing everyone away, his attempts to rekindle friendships, and how everyone had been receptive except Calleigh. He talked about his frustration as she help him off at a polite distance and refused to let him into her confidence, her stubborn refusals to let him help her. "What am I supposed to do, Alexx?" he finished. "If she won't let me close enough to see what it was I did that hurt her, how am I supposed to fix it?"
Alexx sat quietly for a moment, considering the best way to handle this. "It's not up to you to fix this," she started. "No one has the right to meddle with another person's heart. Let me ask you some things though. She looked up and Horatio indicated that she go ahead. "You said that you and Calleigh were connected and balanced each other before. What did you mean?"
Horatio thought, then answered. "We just seemed to know what the other person needed," he began. "She knew when I was hurting and didn't want to talk about it. She wouldn't make any kind of comment or display of sympathy, she would just be there with me, you know? I knew that she was there and she understood and it eased my burden. And I think it was the same for her. We talked about it a little after Janet was killed. I could tell she was in pain, and I went to her apartment. We didn't talk about it, we just ended up watching some old movies on tv and sitting together. When I left she thanked me for understanding and making it easier for her. I used to be able to know what she was feeling, sometimes even what she was thinking. There were times when it was just the two of us in a room, connected and working as one. Now, whenever we come close to that, she shuts down and blocks all my attempts to get close to her."
"That was quite and explanation," Alexx chuckled. Horatio had to laugh too. Obviously, he had put way too much thought into this. "Answer me this: you said Calleigh shut down and that she was blocking you. You think this connection is still there?"
"I hope it is," Horatio said. "I know my end is open. And I'm pretty sure she's aware of it, otherwise she wouldn't be fighting me so hard."
"New question," Alexx said. "How much work did you have to put into creating this bond the first time around?"
"None," Horatio replied automatically. "It just happened. We connected. We never had to really try before."
"Ok. Now, do you have that kind of friendship with anyone else? Me, or Eric, or Speed?"
"No. I mean, I know we're there for each other and we respect and like each other, but I don't have that kind of connection with any of you."
"That's right. You're not emotionally invested in us the way you are with Calleigh. And she's not invested like that the way she was with you." Alexx leaned back, wondering if Horatio grasped what she was saying. He didn't disappoint.
"You said was." Horatio commented, frowning. "What changed?"
"I'm going to make a couple of observations here and then leave you alone to think," Alexx said. "You talked with me after you broke up with Yelina about how "Love shouldn't be this hard." You put all your energy into your relationship with her. You tried to create a relationship where you could depend on each other. And I think that was right. You should have that kind of connection with your partner in life. And whether you knew it or not, you were trying to create the kind of connection you had with Calleigh with her. In order to do it, you pulled away from everyone else. We all saw it, and Calleigh felt it most of all. She understood what it meant, so she let you go, Horatio. She respected what she saw was your desire to form a lasting relationship with someone else and she released you from your connection to her. But that left her out there by herself with no one to hold on to, so she started depending on herself to get though everything. It was a huge change for her Horatio, and one that hurt her a lot! Think about how you're feeling right now and then multiply it a few times. You may only have noticed this in the past couple of weeks, but Calleigh's felt it for the past two and a half months."
Horatio sat, thinking. Alexx was right about a lot of things, and it would take some time to process everything she had said. Alexx seemed to realize this, so she stood up to leave. "One more thing," she said, walking towards the door. "You might want to consider what it means when your bond with Calleigh was so effortless while you couldn't form anything with Yelina. Even when you brought your considerable will into play." Horatio nodded, still silent.
Alexx walked out and headed down stairs. One blind fool down, one self- deceiving fool to go. She found her target in the ballistics lab. "Calleigh!" she greeted. "Just the person I was looking for!"
Calleigh turned and faced Alexx. She had spent another night wavering between fear and regret. Just when she thought she was over Horatio, she found new depths of disappointment and pain. "Hi Alexx," she responded noncommittally. "What can I do for you?"
Alexx rolled her eyes. Same greeting, same problem. "You can come walk with me. I have a few things to say to you."
Calleigh shrugged and got up to follow Alexx. When they got to the autopsy theater, Alexx wrapped Calleigh in a hug and said, "I know you and H had a fight last night. Let it out."
Calleigh hugged the woman back but no tears fell. She had used them up the night before. Today, the resulting numbness was her greatest ally. "I'm through crying Alexx," she said. "You're right. We had it out. And now I think we'll both move on."
Alexx pulled back and looked at her friend. "Oh, honey," she said, "you couldn't be more wrong. All I have to do is look at either one of you and I know that you two aren't going anywhere but the land of denial."
Calleigh gave off a half-smile and shoved Alexx gently. "Give me a break. There was a process involved. I'm good to go here."
"No, you're not," Alexx replied, "And neither is he." Calleigh started to walk away, no longer wishing to discuss what was happening, but Alexx pulled her back. "Look, you don't have to agree with what I'm about to say, but I want you to listen to me anyway."
Calleigh relented and looked silently into Alexx's eyes. "He hurt you, yes. But he didn't know what he was doing, and you know that. He made a mistake. He's been trying to reach out to you again and that should count for something."
"I know he is," Calleigh said quietly. "But only as a friend. And that's not enough for me anymore. I can't be in love with him and have him look right through me anymore. I don't think that I can let myself give him the power to hurt me like that again."
"It's your decision to make," Alexx said. "But make sure it is one that you will be able to live with. And I think that you're not giving Horatio enough credit. He knows that what you to have goes beyond friendship, he just hasn't figured out how far is goes yet. But he will in time, Calleigh, so you need to figure out what it is that you want. If you decide that you don't want that deep a connection with Horatio, that's one thing. But you shouldn't let fear rob you of happiness. I would hate to see you give up on what could be the greatest joy of your life because you were afraid of getting hurt."
"He'll never see me like that," Calleigh replied. "That much I've learned in the past few months. If it was going to happen, it would have happened by now. He's already moved on with his life, so I'm going to keep on moving ahead with mine." Calleigh walked towards the door, having said her piece.
"It's too late to move on, you know," Alexx called out to her friend. "It doesn't really matter if anything happened between you and Horatio or not. It already happened in your heart."
Calleigh stopped, her hand on the door. "Hearts can be broken, Alexx," she said without looking back. "You can crack them open and empty them of everything. If you have to." She walked out, letting the door close silently behind her.
