Disclaimer: Though this story belongs to me, it is only a fanfiction, and Final Fantasy 7, and the characters of said game, belong to Squaresoft, who've got bigger fish to fry than me.
Author's Note: This is suprisingly my most successful fic, and I'm honestly suprised I didn't get flames. When ya shoot for something, you get it. In my case, you shoot for something and your luck bites you in the ass. Sorry for the lateness of this chapter, school is a pain in the ass. This story has a lot of Cloud-bashing, most of it unintentional, actually.
FFVII Without Hojo!
Booting Up Disc One, Accessing Memory Card
''...So...'' Cloud started, uneasily, ''...Erm...''
''Yep,'' responded Biggs.
''...Yeah,'' replied Jessie. ''Yep.''
''I AM RIDING WITH THE A-TEAM, YAY,'' Tifa screamed, ''YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!''
''...''
''...''
''...''
''IT'S NOT THE A-TEAM, DAMMIT! DAMMIT, STOP CALLING IT THAT!'' Barret started shouting, ''IF IT WAS THE @#$%IN' A-TEAM I'D HAVE CALLED IT THAT! THAT'S IT, NO MORE AVALANCHE, I HEREBY CHANGE THE NAME THE ORGANIZATION OF 'WHEN ROCKS FALL FROM HIGH MOUNTAINS!!' ''
''...And...huh...I have...NO SPINE!!'' Cloud screamed, ''NEVER SAW IT COMING, EH!?''
Wordlessly, Barret leaned forward with one hand on his knee, extended one arm, and whacked Cloud on the back of the head effortlessly with a hollow ka-thunk.
His self-esteem temporarily demolished, Cloud rubbed his head, looked out the window, poked himself in the knees for a while, then got up, and sulked in the corner.
''Yeah. Now, Tifa, and...Cloud, I know you can hear me from the corner, so I'll go on. Uh, Cloud, we all go in and blow the place to hell, Tifa stands there and look nice, we can use her as a decoy. It's all a nice plan, really. I thought it up all night. Actually, I slept all night, and figured it out when I realized it while I was flossing. Funny thing--''
But before he could finish, a loud alarm went off.
As the alarm blared, Cloud, Rifa, Barret, Biggs, Wedge and Jessie jumped out of the train and ran. Finding a tunnel, they pressed onward, almost near the reactor core. Suddenly, a large chunk of subway tunnel fell from above, hitting Cloud in the head, causing him to spasm.
In a flashback, identifiable by the light haze-type quality of the image, Cloud saw Tifa kneeling in front of a fallen body, then picking up an oversized sword and running into a reactor. At first, he was confused. Then, something dawned on him. Then, he forgot it. So he decided to talk about it. But then Barret snapped him out of it before he went into an emotional monologue.
''Yo, Tifa, Cloud, Jessie, other two guys, I set the bomb, let's GO!'' Barret shouted.
Everyone broke into a steady run, then stopped in their tracks as they saw the hundred gun barrels pointed at them. A stately man walked out of the wall of SOLDIERs, and laughed.
''Ha ha, it's you young people!''
It took a while for Jessie to remember the man's face, before it hit her like a sack of shoehorses and tire irons.
''You, the cassette guy,'' she said, ''Hey, everyone, it's the cassette-shiller!!''
''That was my old job,'' the man replied, ''It's Rufus ShrinRa, I'm the new owner of ShinRa Electric, formerly..uh....ShinRa Electric. See, this was my building, I used to own this lot. I was going to build a store that sold tie racks, but then I sold it instead, and the deal was he would use my name. You know, for advertising purposes. Then, the jackasses find a cheap, highly-effective power source and build an empire. Well, thank God I sued the hell out of them. Now it's MINE! And in nine years, I can convert this into the biggest cassette and DVD distributor in all of MIDGAR!!''
''...''
''...''
''...''
''...''
''...An electric company is worth more than a giant tape-shill conglomerate, you old fart.''
''Shut up, you hooligan,'' Rufus said, ''I hate you Generation Xers and your newfangled contraptions like wristwatches and iced tea.''
''Nobody says 'hooligan,' '' Biggs said, ''You fogey.''
''Yah,'' Wedge casually finished, ''It's as lame as 'let's mosey.' ''
''Okay, that's it, AIRBUSTER!!'' ShinRa screamed, ''GET 'EM, YOU PIECE OF CRAP!!''
The giant metallic contraption did nothing.
''AIRBUSTER! Get them, you giant air conditioner!!''
Nothing happened.
A giggle broke out among the ShinRa SOLDIERs. One of them slowly leaned inwards, and nudged Rufus in the shoulder.
''...Sir? I don't mean to incur your wrath, but use the remote.''
''...Oh. I knew that. Go away, you punk-rock loving young person!''
Then, Rufus pushed the ON button. Airbuster didn't move. The SOLDIERs giggled once again.
Raising one eyebrow, Barret stepped forward and handed Rufus two batteries. Swearing loudly, Rufus put in the batteries and pushed the ON button again. The Airbuster shrieked and roared as it's metal parts clashed and grinded against each other, the infernal machine groaning to life, rising, jumping forwards, and flying forwards, before collapsing in a heap of scrap metal on the ground.
''...Man, I hate everyone,'' Barret muttered, ''I mean, normally I hate everyone, but today, I hate everyone, and then some more people on top of that. Like a big hate salad.''
''Spineless.'' Cloud quickly spat out, before backing away slowly.
''Man, shut up, Cloud.''
''Okay. I accept that, for I have...no spine.''
Barret wordlessly extended his arm again, and hit Cloud on the head again, with a loud TH-WHCK! A light giggle rose from the SOLDIERs, who then became silent as ShinRa looked at them menacingly, before looking at Barret and the rest of AVALANCHE again menacingly.
''Hooligans! I'll get you,'' Rufus angrily shouted, showing his anger by shaking his fist at Cloud, ''I have more than one ridiculously-expensive prototype-weapon!''
With that, another shoddily-built Airbuster crashed forward, the sound of it's shoddily-put-together cheap slave-labor parts grinding together sounding like a jackhammer in everyone's ears. Before reaching Tifa, the Airbuster imploded.
''Goddamn, crappily-designed newfangled contraption, I hate this, I remember the old days when things were not machine-made, but they were damn well made, with someone's bare hands, good, sturdy, high-quality things like soup ladles and horseshoes!! Damn hooligans!''
With this, Rufus ShinRa summoned forth another Airbuster, which crashed forward, leaned back, as if ready to strike with the power of ten men, ten angry men on a sugar high wielding instruments of death like battleaxes and planks with nails through them, but then it exploded, taking out the entire platform, sending the organization of When Rocks Fall From High Mountains, formerly Avalanche, into the slums below.
Rufus ShinRa dusted off his hands, then shouted down into the slums below,
''HA HAAAA, I GOT YOU, YOU HOOLIGANS!!''
Floating up from the darkness of the slums came two voices, Tifa's and Jessie's.
''NOBODY SAYS 'HOOLIGANS' ANYMOOOOOORE!!!''
''YEAH, IT'S AS LAME AS 'LET'S MOSEY!!' ''
From behind him, Rufus noticed a light giggle breaking out among the SOLDIERs.
***
Barret had had it. He was pissed.
Slowly, he raised his gun arm, and tapped it twice. Nervously, one muscular arm twitching uncertainly, he spinned the machine-gun barrel, and checked the firing mechanism. He would take Cloud down. And he stared into Cloud's calm blue eyes, which seemed to glow as if infused with Mako. Cloud uneasily shifted his sword from one shoulder to the other. One waiting for the other to strike, both men ready to capitalize on any mistake, any slip-up, and punish the other for it. Punish the other one horribly, crush the soul of the loser. It was a showdown of grand, almost epic proportions. One would leave the victor, the other stay, a broken man, paralyzed, maybe, from horror, shock, possibly incomprehension, since both of the two locked in their duel could do nothing more than underestimate the other.
'AGOROPHOBIA' was a long word. Was it triple word score? No, or was it? Hm....
Carefully, Cloud leaned forward, and turned the 'A' into 'Antidisestablishmentarianism.'
Angrily, his eyes flashing with rage, Barret overturned the Scrabble board, his heart aflame with raging fury and blind hatred at a game that had played him, HIM, the leader of the Organization of When Rocks Fall From High Mountains, and punched Cloud in the face.
''Owwwwie!!'' Cloud said, falling backwards off his milk crate, Scrabble letters flying haphazardly everywhere. They had been in the slums for an hour, inside of a building that smelled vaguely of cough drops and rotting pizza.
Slowly, Barret got off his soapbox, which prompted a joke about him getting off his soapbox from Wedge, who got hit by the aforementioned soapbox when Barret threw it at his head.
''Alright, you morons,'' Barret said, ''Let's go. I hate this crappy place. I swear, it smells like a deathhole, the bugs are crawling through the fabric of my clothes, and....and...my arm really, really itches! Let's leave! LEAVE! LEAVE!! LEAVE, DAMMIT!!''
''Okay.''
''Okay.''
''Okay.''
''Okay. NO SPINE!''
''OKAY BARRET.''
''And another thing,'' Barret said, ''I know I talk a lot, and I know sometimes i can ramble on with my stories, but all my stories are damn good ones, with morals, family values, life lessons, and they make you feel warm inside, you know, all that Disney shi--''
''LIKE WHAT?'' Tifa asked.
''Like my story about my cat. Once, I had a cat. And I loved it very much. But then, it started to urinate all over my house, so I had to give it away and force it's curse of urination on the couch to be wrought on someone else.''
''...Moral is what?'' Wedge questioned, leading Barret to freeze suddenly.
''Erm...moral is, cats are tempermental but relatively clean pets?''
''...'' Nobody spoke.
''What does this have to do with anything?'' Cloud asked.
''I just...like talking...'' Barret said.
Wordlessly, one by one everyone left the shack until it was only Cloud and Barret remaining inside. Slowly, Barret walked outside, and Cloud stood around looking depressed before following.
***
It wasn't until they were outside that Jessie, Wedge, Biggs, Tifa and Cloud and Barret realized the building they had been in had been a church. Or, more accurately, ''The Church of Satanism and Jenova's Witnesses Local Chapter 242.'' Slightly unnerved, Cloud walked forward into a woman in a pink dress selling flowers for cheap.
''Huh...Hey, I've seen you before,'' he said, ''I bought the stuff in your basket.''
''What stuff in my basket?'' The woman asked, ''The flowers or the wrapped-up little cheeses?''
''...First one.''
''Hiya! Gee whiz, isn't it just a splendid day now?''
''Huh.''
''Yep, I know, everything is just so fabulous.''
''Yeeeaaaarg...'' Cloud quickly glanced at Barret, realizing he had inadvertantly struck up a conversation from which there was no escape, and now he was in the fist of a talkative, extremely positive pink-clothed devil who was trying to sell him daisies. Barret shrugged, then grinned as if to say 'Ha ha, Scrabble boy, now who is the king of Scrabble? Technically still you, but now you have inadvertantly struck up a conversation from which there is no escape and now you are in the fist of a talkative, extremely positive pink-clothed devil trying to sell you daisies, I am sure as hell conveying much words into a single gesture, I feel faint, goddamn I'm gonna pass out, jeez, my knee hurts, I have an itch on my back I can't scratch, maybe I should buy one of those hats that hold the beer cans, I am an impulse buyer--' and it was at that point that Cloud turned away from Barret and slowly nodded his head at the flower girl, who was speaking rapidfire as if she had crashed out of Speed Racer.
''....So, you'll do it, yay!'' The flower girl finished.
Confused, wondering if he had just agreed to something, Cloud asked if he had agreed to something. After finding out the flower girl was named Aeris and he had indeeed agreed to be her bodyguard, Cloud, armed with this new and terrifying knowledge that he had agreeed to be the bodyguard for some woman he had never known, and was now venturing anywhere this complete stranger took him, slowly and methodically considered his two options of doing it, or running away kicking and screaming. It took a second for him to realize that, having no spine, he would probably have agreed to do it anyway.
Cloud walked over to Barret.
''Uhhh, Barret, I'm gonna have to be bodyguard for this woman now.''
''That so? Okay.''
''...Okay?''
''Okay.''
''...Okay?''
''The hell is wrong with you?''
''...Okay? I mean, just 'okay?' ''
''OKAY, YES, OKAY, DO YOU NOT HEAR ME?''
''...Okay.''
''Okay.''
''...Okay?''
''I should hit you.''
Then, without hitting Cloud, Barret, Jessie, Biggs, Wedge and Tifa slowly walked away, and then, Reno and Rude of the Turks emerged from an alley, pointed at Aeris, pointed at Cloud, at Aeris again, at each other, at Aeris again, at Cloud again, at a bird, then, after taking a photograph of the bird, they began to chase Aeris. Cloud followed her, and after going through a winding, twisting maze of buildings, lost them.
And then, Cloud realized they were exactly where they had been before.
''...Uh...huh...'' Cloud said, dazed, feeling moronic, ''Yeaaaarg...''
''Oopsie, I'm so sorry, Clod--''
''Cloud.''
''Cloud--''
''No spine.''
''Well, Cloud, I'm sorry I led you back here, see, I have a map, drawn on this napkin, but I had to blow my nose, you see. And then I had to 'wing it' as you people say, and I started walking, and then when we stopped off at that place--''
''Yeah.''
''Yes, well, I needed some limes and a turkey baster, so--''
''Huh.''
''Yes! But now I know exactly where to go. Somewhat.''
With this, Aeris jumped over a few rooftops, and suddenly Cloud was in front of a house. Contemplating the crappy layout of the slums, and how agaonizingly painful it must be if to get home you have to roof-hop, Cloud walked inside the house with Aeris to find an older woman in a chair. Aeris went upstairs, and Cloud unknowingly struck up another conversation, this time with the other woman.
''Huh.''
''Yesss, it is a lovely home, is it not?''
''Huh?''
''I know, simply spendid decorating, the last owners got bubonic plague in here, so we got it with all the stuff still inside! Bargain city!!''
''....Huh.''
''And I bought these curtains cheap, it took one wash to get the bloodstains off!''
''Huhhhh...'' Cloud stopped touching the curtains, and stepped backwards, closer to the door.
From upstairs, Aeris said ''Cloud, tomorrow I'll show you Sector Seven, okay!?''
Cloud inched closer to the door.
''My name's Elmyra, I'm Aeris' adoptive mother,'' the old woman said, ''She's a nice girl.''
''Huhhh...She lives with her mother...''
''Nice girl, that Aeris, you're her new boyfriend, right?''
''No. I'm a bodyguard. But not like the one in the crappy movie with the same name.''
''Well, you can stay here the night, sleep on this couch!''
''Thank...you...''
''We got it cheap, since the previous owner's cat had bladder problems.''
With a scream of ''DAMN YOU BARRET WALLACE'' Cloud jumped off the couch.
The next morning, after a fitful night of sleeping on the floor between a bookcase(''Previous owner was crushed under it'') and a stereo system(''Previous owner went deaf and blind after a napalm attack''), Cloud woke up, and tried to leave stealthily through the front door, ready to try and use as much whiskey as it would take to flush the previous night out of his mind. But then, Aeris was waiting right outside the door.
''Hiya, Cloud, my my, don't you look rested and happy this morning!''
Cloud, barely dragging himself along, with bags under his eyes and a pale, sour look to his face, right eye twitching from a lack of sleep, slowly nodded his head up and down.
''Well, Cloud, let's GO! I promised to take you on a tour of Sector Seven, right?''
Slowly, Cloud dragged after Aeris, and after walking nine blocks, they stopped to rest at a playground.
Cloud looked to the left, and saw a mirage.
Actually, he saw Tifa riding a chocobo.
He screamed, ''PLEASE, OH GOD, TIFA, GET ME OUT OF HERE, I'M STUCK WITH THIS WOMAN, AND SHE--'' but before he managed to finish, she rode away.
''...Hm...did you see that woman just now?'' Cloud asked Aeris.
''Yes I did! It looks like she was going to Don Corneo's mansion.''
''What is that?''
''A WHOREHOUSE!!''
''EEEEEEK!!!!''
''I dislike that Corneo fella very much. If you want to get in, you have to be a woman.''
''I have a problem, then...'' Cloud said, ''Because the last time I checked I wasn't one.''
''We can dress you up like one, just wear the dress, wig, sexy cologne---''
''Hey, ever wonder why cologne is spelt like that? Like bologna, it's spelt like that but pronounced way different. I mean, it's just, sometimes a word looks weird-''
''You're a nice person, Cloud!''
''But you didn't let me finish--''
''Niiiiice!!''
''...I have no spine.''
Saving.
System Shut Down
Author's Note: This is suprisingly my most successful fic, and I'm honestly suprised I didn't get flames. When ya shoot for something, you get it. In my case, you shoot for something and your luck bites you in the ass. Sorry for the lateness of this chapter, school is a pain in the ass. This story has a lot of Cloud-bashing, most of it unintentional, actually.
FFVII Without Hojo!
Booting Up Disc One, Accessing Memory Card
''...So...'' Cloud started, uneasily, ''...Erm...''
''Yep,'' responded Biggs.
''...Yeah,'' replied Jessie. ''Yep.''
''I AM RIDING WITH THE A-TEAM, YAY,'' Tifa screamed, ''YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!''
''...''
''...''
''...''
''IT'S NOT THE A-TEAM, DAMMIT! DAMMIT, STOP CALLING IT THAT!'' Barret started shouting, ''IF IT WAS THE @#$%IN' A-TEAM I'D HAVE CALLED IT THAT! THAT'S IT, NO MORE AVALANCHE, I HEREBY CHANGE THE NAME THE ORGANIZATION OF 'WHEN ROCKS FALL FROM HIGH MOUNTAINS!!' ''
''...And...huh...I have...NO SPINE!!'' Cloud screamed, ''NEVER SAW IT COMING, EH!?''
Wordlessly, Barret leaned forward with one hand on his knee, extended one arm, and whacked Cloud on the back of the head effortlessly with a hollow ka-thunk.
His self-esteem temporarily demolished, Cloud rubbed his head, looked out the window, poked himself in the knees for a while, then got up, and sulked in the corner.
''Yeah. Now, Tifa, and...Cloud, I know you can hear me from the corner, so I'll go on. Uh, Cloud, we all go in and blow the place to hell, Tifa stands there and look nice, we can use her as a decoy. It's all a nice plan, really. I thought it up all night. Actually, I slept all night, and figured it out when I realized it while I was flossing. Funny thing--''
But before he could finish, a loud alarm went off.
As the alarm blared, Cloud, Rifa, Barret, Biggs, Wedge and Jessie jumped out of the train and ran. Finding a tunnel, they pressed onward, almost near the reactor core. Suddenly, a large chunk of subway tunnel fell from above, hitting Cloud in the head, causing him to spasm.
In a flashback, identifiable by the light haze-type quality of the image, Cloud saw Tifa kneeling in front of a fallen body, then picking up an oversized sword and running into a reactor. At first, he was confused. Then, something dawned on him. Then, he forgot it. So he decided to talk about it. But then Barret snapped him out of it before he went into an emotional monologue.
''Yo, Tifa, Cloud, Jessie, other two guys, I set the bomb, let's GO!'' Barret shouted.
Everyone broke into a steady run, then stopped in their tracks as they saw the hundred gun barrels pointed at them. A stately man walked out of the wall of SOLDIERs, and laughed.
''Ha ha, it's you young people!''
It took a while for Jessie to remember the man's face, before it hit her like a sack of shoehorses and tire irons.
''You, the cassette guy,'' she said, ''Hey, everyone, it's the cassette-shiller!!''
''That was my old job,'' the man replied, ''It's Rufus ShrinRa, I'm the new owner of ShinRa Electric, formerly..uh....ShinRa Electric. See, this was my building, I used to own this lot. I was going to build a store that sold tie racks, but then I sold it instead, and the deal was he would use my name. You know, for advertising purposes. Then, the jackasses find a cheap, highly-effective power source and build an empire. Well, thank God I sued the hell out of them. Now it's MINE! And in nine years, I can convert this into the biggest cassette and DVD distributor in all of MIDGAR!!''
''...''
''...''
''...''
''...''
''...An electric company is worth more than a giant tape-shill conglomerate, you old fart.''
''Shut up, you hooligan,'' Rufus said, ''I hate you Generation Xers and your newfangled contraptions like wristwatches and iced tea.''
''Nobody says 'hooligan,' '' Biggs said, ''You fogey.''
''Yah,'' Wedge casually finished, ''It's as lame as 'let's mosey.' ''
''Okay, that's it, AIRBUSTER!!'' ShinRa screamed, ''GET 'EM, YOU PIECE OF CRAP!!''
The giant metallic contraption did nothing.
''AIRBUSTER! Get them, you giant air conditioner!!''
Nothing happened.
A giggle broke out among the ShinRa SOLDIERs. One of them slowly leaned inwards, and nudged Rufus in the shoulder.
''...Sir? I don't mean to incur your wrath, but use the remote.''
''...Oh. I knew that. Go away, you punk-rock loving young person!''
Then, Rufus pushed the ON button. Airbuster didn't move. The SOLDIERs giggled once again.
Raising one eyebrow, Barret stepped forward and handed Rufus two batteries. Swearing loudly, Rufus put in the batteries and pushed the ON button again. The Airbuster shrieked and roared as it's metal parts clashed and grinded against each other, the infernal machine groaning to life, rising, jumping forwards, and flying forwards, before collapsing in a heap of scrap metal on the ground.
''...Man, I hate everyone,'' Barret muttered, ''I mean, normally I hate everyone, but today, I hate everyone, and then some more people on top of that. Like a big hate salad.''
''Spineless.'' Cloud quickly spat out, before backing away slowly.
''Man, shut up, Cloud.''
''Okay. I accept that, for I have...no spine.''
Barret wordlessly extended his arm again, and hit Cloud on the head again, with a loud TH-WHCK! A light giggle rose from the SOLDIERs, who then became silent as ShinRa looked at them menacingly, before looking at Barret and the rest of AVALANCHE again menacingly.
''Hooligans! I'll get you,'' Rufus angrily shouted, showing his anger by shaking his fist at Cloud, ''I have more than one ridiculously-expensive prototype-weapon!''
With that, another shoddily-built Airbuster crashed forward, the sound of it's shoddily-put-together cheap slave-labor parts grinding together sounding like a jackhammer in everyone's ears. Before reaching Tifa, the Airbuster imploded.
''Goddamn, crappily-designed newfangled contraption, I hate this, I remember the old days when things were not machine-made, but they were damn well made, with someone's bare hands, good, sturdy, high-quality things like soup ladles and horseshoes!! Damn hooligans!''
With this, Rufus ShinRa summoned forth another Airbuster, which crashed forward, leaned back, as if ready to strike with the power of ten men, ten angry men on a sugar high wielding instruments of death like battleaxes and planks with nails through them, but then it exploded, taking out the entire platform, sending the organization of When Rocks Fall From High Mountains, formerly Avalanche, into the slums below.
Rufus ShinRa dusted off his hands, then shouted down into the slums below,
''HA HAAAA, I GOT YOU, YOU HOOLIGANS!!''
Floating up from the darkness of the slums came two voices, Tifa's and Jessie's.
''NOBODY SAYS 'HOOLIGANS' ANYMOOOOOORE!!!''
''YEAH, IT'S AS LAME AS 'LET'S MOSEY!!' ''
From behind him, Rufus noticed a light giggle breaking out among the SOLDIERs.
***
Barret had had it. He was pissed.
Slowly, he raised his gun arm, and tapped it twice. Nervously, one muscular arm twitching uncertainly, he spinned the machine-gun barrel, and checked the firing mechanism. He would take Cloud down. And he stared into Cloud's calm blue eyes, which seemed to glow as if infused with Mako. Cloud uneasily shifted his sword from one shoulder to the other. One waiting for the other to strike, both men ready to capitalize on any mistake, any slip-up, and punish the other for it. Punish the other one horribly, crush the soul of the loser. It was a showdown of grand, almost epic proportions. One would leave the victor, the other stay, a broken man, paralyzed, maybe, from horror, shock, possibly incomprehension, since both of the two locked in their duel could do nothing more than underestimate the other.
'AGOROPHOBIA' was a long word. Was it triple word score? No, or was it? Hm....
Carefully, Cloud leaned forward, and turned the 'A' into 'Antidisestablishmentarianism.'
Angrily, his eyes flashing with rage, Barret overturned the Scrabble board, his heart aflame with raging fury and blind hatred at a game that had played him, HIM, the leader of the Organization of When Rocks Fall From High Mountains, and punched Cloud in the face.
''Owwwwie!!'' Cloud said, falling backwards off his milk crate, Scrabble letters flying haphazardly everywhere. They had been in the slums for an hour, inside of a building that smelled vaguely of cough drops and rotting pizza.
Slowly, Barret got off his soapbox, which prompted a joke about him getting off his soapbox from Wedge, who got hit by the aforementioned soapbox when Barret threw it at his head.
''Alright, you morons,'' Barret said, ''Let's go. I hate this crappy place. I swear, it smells like a deathhole, the bugs are crawling through the fabric of my clothes, and....and...my arm really, really itches! Let's leave! LEAVE! LEAVE!! LEAVE, DAMMIT!!''
''Okay.''
''Okay.''
''Okay.''
''Okay. NO SPINE!''
''OKAY BARRET.''
''And another thing,'' Barret said, ''I know I talk a lot, and I know sometimes i can ramble on with my stories, but all my stories are damn good ones, with morals, family values, life lessons, and they make you feel warm inside, you know, all that Disney shi--''
''LIKE WHAT?'' Tifa asked.
''Like my story about my cat. Once, I had a cat. And I loved it very much. But then, it started to urinate all over my house, so I had to give it away and force it's curse of urination on the couch to be wrought on someone else.''
''...Moral is what?'' Wedge questioned, leading Barret to freeze suddenly.
''Erm...moral is, cats are tempermental but relatively clean pets?''
''...'' Nobody spoke.
''What does this have to do with anything?'' Cloud asked.
''I just...like talking...'' Barret said.
Wordlessly, one by one everyone left the shack until it was only Cloud and Barret remaining inside. Slowly, Barret walked outside, and Cloud stood around looking depressed before following.
***
It wasn't until they were outside that Jessie, Wedge, Biggs, Tifa and Cloud and Barret realized the building they had been in had been a church. Or, more accurately, ''The Church of Satanism and Jenova's Witnesses Local Chapter 242.'' Slightly unnerved, Cloud walked forward into a woman in a pink dress selling flowers for cheap.
''Huh...Hey, I've seen you before,'' he said, ''I bought the stuff in your basket.''
''What stuff in my basket?'' The woman asked, ''The flowers or the wrapped-up little cheeses?''
''...First one.''
''Hiya! Gee whiz, isn't it just a splendid day now?''
''Huh.''
''Yep, I know, everything is just so fabulous.''
''Yeeeaaaarg...'' Cloud quickly glanced at Barret, realizing he had inadvertantly struck up a conversation from which there was no escape, and now he was in the fist of a talkative, extremely positive pink-clothed devil who was trying to sell him daisies. Barret shrugged, then grinned as if to say 'Ha ha, Scrabble boy, now who is the king of Scrabble? Technically still you, but now you have inadvertantly struck up a conversation from which there is no escape and now you are in the fist of a talkative, extremely positive pink-clothed devil trying to sell you daisies, I am sure as hell conveying much words into a single gesture, I feel faint, goddamn I'm gonna pass out, jeez, my knee hurts, I have an itch on my back I can't scratch, maybe I should buy one of those hats that hold the beer cans, I am an impulse buyer--' and it was at that point that Cloud turned away from Barret and slowly nodded his head at the flower girl, who was speaking rapidfire as if she had crashed out of Speed Racer.
''....So, you'll do it, yay!'' The flower girl finished.
Confused, wondering if he had just agreed to something, Cloud asked if he had agreed to something. After finding out the flower girl was named Aeris and he had indeeed agreed to be her bodyguard, Cloud, armed with this new and terrifying knowledge that he had agreeed to be the bodyguard for some woman he had never known, and was now venturing anywhere this complete stranger took him, slowly and methodically considered his two options of doing it, or running away kicking and screaming. It took a second for him to realize that, having no spine, he would probably have agreed to do it anyway.
Cloud walked over to Barret.
''Uhhh, Barret, I'm gonna have to be bodyguard for this woman now.''
''That so? Okay.''
''...Okay?''
''Okay.''
''...Okay?''
''The hell is wrong with you?''
''...Okay? I mean, just 'okay?' ''
''OKAY, YES, OKAY, DO YOU NOT HEAR ME?''
''...Okay.''
''Okay.''
''...Okay?''
''I should hit you.''
Then, without hitting Cloud, Barret, Jessie, Biggs, Wedge and Tifa slowly walked away, and then, Reno and Rude of the Turks emerged from an alley, pointed at Aeris, pointed at Cloud, at Aeris again, at each other, at Aeris again, at Cloud again, at a bird, then, after taking a photograph of the bird, they began to chase Aeris. Cloud followed her, and after going through a winding, twisting maze of buildings, lost them.
And then, Cloud realized they were exactly where they had been before.
''...Uh...huh...'' Cloud said, dazed, feeling moronic, ''Yeaaaarg...''
''Oopsie, I'm so sorry, Clod--''
''Cloud.''
''Cloud--''
''No spine.''
''Well, Cloud, I'm sorry I led you back here, see, I have a map, drawn on this napkin, but I had to blow my nose, you see. And then I had to 'wing it' as you people say, and I started walking, and then when we stopped off at that place--''
''Yeah.''
''Yes, well, I needed some limes and a turkey baster, so--''
''Huh.''
''Yes! But now I know exactly where to go. Somewhat.''
With this, Aeris jumped over a few rooftops, and suddenly Cloud was in front of a house. Contemplating the crappy layout of the slums, and how agaonizingly painful it must be if to get home you have to roof-hop, Cloud walked inside the house with Aeris to find an older woman in a chair. Aeris went upstairs, and Cloud unknowingly struck up another conversation, this time with the other woman.
''Huh.''
''Yesss, it is a lovely home, is it not?''
''Huh?''
''I know, simply spendid decorating, the last owners got bubonic plague in here, so we got it with all the stuff still inside! Bargain city!!''
''....Huh.''
''And I bought these curtains cheap, it took one wash to get the bloodstains off!''
''Huhhhh...'' Cloud stopped touching the curtains, and stepped backwards, closer to the door.
From upstairs, Aeris said ''Cloud, tomorrow I'll show you Sector Seven, okay!?''
Cloud inched closer to the door.
''My name's Elmyra, I'm Aeris' adoptive mother,'' the old woman said, ''She's a nice girl.''
''Huhhh...She lives with her mother...''
''Nice girl, that Aeris, you're her new boyfriend, right?''
''No. I'm a bodyguard. But not like the one in the crappy movie with the same name.''
''Well, you can stay here the night, sleep on this couch!''
''Thank...you...''
''We got it cheap, since the previous owner's cat had bladder problems.''
With a scream of ''DAMN YOU BARRET WALLACE'' Cloud jumped off the couch.
The next morning, after a fitful night of sleeping on the floor between a bookcase(''Previous owner was crushed under it'') and a stereo system(''Previous owner went deaf and blind after a napalm attack''), Cloud woke up, and tried to leave stealthily through the front door, ready to try and use as much whiskey as it would take to flush the previous night out of his mind. But then, Aeris was waiting right outside the door.
''Hiya, Cloud, my my, don't you look rested and happy this morning!''
Cloud, barely dragging himself along, with bags under his eyes and a pale, sour look to his face, right eye twitching from a lack of sleep, slowly nodded his head up and down.
''Well, Cloud, let's GO! I promised to take you on a tour of Sector Seven, right?''
Slowly, Cloud dragged after Aeris, and after walking nine blocks, they stopped to rest at a playground.
Cloud looked to the left, and saw a mirage.
Actually, he saw Tifa riding a chocobo.
He screamed, ''PLEASE, OH GOD, TIFA, GET ME OUT OF HERE, I'M STUCK WITH THIS WOMAN, AND SHE--'' but before he managed to finish, she rode away.
''...Hm...did you see that woman just now?'' Cloud asked Aeris.
''Yes I did! It looks like she was going to Don Corneo's mansion.''
''What is that?''
''A WHOREHOUSE!!''
''EEEEEEK!!!!''
''I dislike that Corneo fella very much. If you want to get in, you have to be a woman.''
''I have a problem, then...'' Cloud said, ''Because the last time I checked I wasn't one.''
''We can dress you up like one, just wear the dress, wig, sexy cologne---''
''Hey, ever wonder why cologne is spelt like that? Like bologna, it's spelt like that but pronounced way different. I mean, it's just, sometimes a word looks weird-''
''You're a nice person, Cloud!''
''But you didn't let me finish--''
''Niiiiice!!''
''...I have no spine.''
Saving.
System Shut Down
