Disclaimer and Spoilers: See Chapter 1
A/N: Well, not much to say about this chapter. Judging from the reviews some of you have been waiting for it, so here it is. No more talking, just enjoy.
The chapter title is from the REM song. Don't need to know the lyrics, only the title is important.
And thanks to Kasman for the beta :-)
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9. THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT
Max stayed seated for a moment, until she realized what he had just said and done.
The idiot. He got it all wrong. I try to explain, try to tell him how I feel and he runs away. Damn Manticore. Not only do I get my seizures this weekend, I'm also so screwed up that I can't even admit how I feel without making people run away. Thanks for that, Donald Lydecker. Thanks for ruining the best relationship I ever ha…Relationship…Yeah, Max, admit it, you want a real relationship with this guy. No matter what. You want the "we are not like that" to end and you want to be together with him. That's the only reason his pain is hurting you as well. And no way Lydecker is going to take that away from me before it has even started. I will have to stop blaming Manticore for everything that's not going the way I want it. So put on your shoes and run. He can't have gone far.
Max nodded encouragingly to herself, put on her shoes and ran through the door.
Once Logan had left the cabin his anger vanished into the cold of the dark evening. He decided to give them both a few more minutes to cool down and continued wheeling through the chilly air.
She never said there could only be an "us" if I could walk. She just said that she wanted us to be happy. And she assumed that I could only be happy if I'm able to walk. And she was right, from her point. I was happy when I could walk, before Bruno shot me, and I was happy when her transfusion made me walk again. But looking back now, it wasn't all because of the walking. It was because of the way we suddenly treated each other. The chances that suddenly seemed to be there. But honestly…if I decided to believe her, believe that the chair doesn't matter to her…and if I forgot all my self-pity for a while, maybe then there is a chance for us. For a real us. With both of us as we are. I'll give her another few minutes to cool down and then I'll go back. Talk to her.
"Logan?" he suddenly heard her shouting. "Logan, wait!"
He spun his chair around and looked at her. She hadn't even put on a jacket, she was still wearing her sweatpants and the pullover. Her hair was tousled and she looked pale, but to him she was the most angelic being on earth.
"Max?" he asked surprised. What's she doing here? She still looks pale.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm really sorry, Logan. I didn't want you to think that I could only imagine being with you if your legs work. That's just not true. But it's so hard to try to be more than your friend when you're so depressed. And…well…I wasn't sure if you ever wanted me to be more than your friend. I still don't know. I just don't know how to help you. I want you to be happy even in the chair. Can't you understand?"
Jeez, he's sexy. The way he looks at me, the way his surprise shows on his face. And the way he just spun the chair around. This guy is sexy, not despite of but because of him being in a wheelchair.
I just hope he likes me the way I like him. And that he still wants to be my friend. And that I'm not freaking him out. I'm not exactly like one of the girls he used to get together with.
Logan smiled at her. "I want us to be all that we can be," he told her. "Whatever that is."
"I thought you'd just need to take some time to accept the situation. To accept being in the chair again. And to figure out how you want to live your life. But…well…I don't want you to find out that you want to live your life without me. I don't want to be without you, Logan."
He looked into her pleading eyes and his heart melted. How could she think things like that? Well, she found me after I had considered putting a bullet into my head. Maybe that is reason enough? Maybe that's why she thinks that I might not want to be together with her. But now I know what I want. Finally I know.
"That's what Chris told me yesterday," Logan said which made Max look at him in surprise.
"He told me to find out how I want to live my life. If I wanted to continue grieving, or if I wanted to have more days like yesterday. Days full of joy and fun. He also told me that I would have an easier time if I'd finally be honest with myself. I didn't know what he meant then, but now I'm quite sure that he was talking about you. I don't want to be without you either, Max."
Logan reached out and took one of her hands in his. "But I can't promise that I'll be able to be happy with my life now and forever, okay? I'll try to, but I can't promise."
Max squeezed his hand and said, "When you asked me to give you time, I told you that you could take as much time as you need. I still mean that. And nobody can always be happy."
"I know. But today has really been hard. I felt so useless when those guys appeared again. And again when you saw me in the bathroom. It was exactly what I had expected this little trip to be like. Embarrassing, humiliating. Like all of what I feared could possibly happen had happened today."
"So you can make things come true, only when you think about it hard enough?" Max asked, grinning shrewdly.
Logan didn't answer, he only raised his eyebrow, trying to figure out what she was trying to say.
Max suggested, "Well, maybe you should try and think very hard of something you actually want to happen. Something positive."
He smiled at her, then pretended to think intently about something.
The seizure that suddenly hit her came as unannounced as the last one. Before Logan could do anything he saw Max sitting on the cold earth, embracing herself and shaking uncontrollably.
Damn, not again. It's so cold and she doesn't even have a jacket. Her pills… did she bring her pills? Forget the pills, I need to make sure she's not going to freeze. No matter how.
Carefully he slid from his chair and sat next to her. He wrapped his arms around her, trying to calm and warm her.
"Fo…forgot m…m…my p…p...pills in the cab...b...bin," she stuttered, her teeth rattling.
"It's gonna be okay," Logan whispered, holding her tight. "It's gonna be okay."
He pulled off his jacket and helped her put it on. She smiled a weak but thankful smile and leaned her head against his shoulder. "I'm sorry," she whispered after a little while. "I'm nothing but trouble."
"I'm sorry I didn't bring you home in time," Logan told her. "I saw how pale you were, but I didn't react." He hesitated, then asked, "Unless you want to stay here all night, do you think you can manage to get up?"
Max slowly shook her head. "I…I can't walk right now. Just give me a little more time."
Logan caressed her hair tenderly and rubbed her back. "I'm not asking you to walk back. I'm asking you to get up. I'm willing to give you a ride home, if you think you can manage to get on my lap."
This is not going to get better without tryptophan, Max knew. And Logan is getting cold without his jacket. I have to be able to manage that much. She nodded. "Need my pills," she said simply.
Logan nodded back at her and let go to lift himself back in the chair. He then reached for her and helped her up. When she sat on his lap, her arms wrapped around his neck, he carefully wheeled them back to the cabin.
There he went straight to the living room. Max didn't complain when he carefully lifted her to the sofa she'd laid on before. He pulled off her shoes and his jacket that she was still wearing, then pulled the blanket over her. He took the bottle of pills from the coffee table and gave her as much as she needed.
Max didn't say anything while Logan was taking care of her, she just gave in to the good feeling of not having to be in control. Logan is taking care of me. He's there. He'll make sure I take my pills and give them time to work their magic on my brain chemistry. I really hope that this is not how it's going to be from now on. I should never have put that implant in my head. Of course it was the only chance to free OC, and I'd do it over and over again, but I really hope I'm not killing myself with it.
Logan had pulled off his shoes and returned to Max. She was still shaking lightly and her eyes were clouded from the thoughts behind them.
"You okay?" he asked.
She nodded slowly. "Okay, yeah. Not great, but okay. Thank you, Logan. Now I officially messed up your evening."
He smiled at her and shook his head. "Not a chance in the world. You told me that you want to be more than my friend and that you don't want to be without me. There's no chance for you to ruin this evening for me – unless you're planning on taking your words back."
"No way," she smiled weakly. "Next time I ask you to think about something positive, do what I told you. This is not positive."
He smiled at her and both of them knew that they were going to start something new. Something both of them had wished to come true.
"Can you…can you come here?" Max asked quietly. "I want you to hold me like you did outside."
Logan caressed her hair and shook his head. "No, sorry. If I'm going to lie beside you, one of us is going to fall from that sofa."
"Can't we just sit on the floor, like we did outside?"
This girl really needs someone who holds her when she's feeling so bad, Logan realized. Maybe she's never had anyone to do that before.
"I could get more blankets so we won't get cold down there," he suggested.
"Yeah, that sounds good," Max agreed.
When Logan turned away to get the blankets from his bedroom, she asked, "Promise you hurry?"
"Promise," he gave back.
Within seconds he returned, two thick blankets on his lap. He took the woolen blanket Max was lying underneath and put it on the floor between sofa and fireside. The next blanket was placed above the first and the third he kept aside to use as a cover once they were seated.
Max slid from the sofa to the ground, now using it as a backrest. She again embraced herself. Logan sat down next to her, taking the last blanket and wrapping it around the two of them. He held her tight like he had done before, but this time she wasn't shaking so badly and he didn't need to shield her from the cold. This time he felt her slim, strong body against his and he had to admit that he really enjoyed it. He enjoyed being so close to Max. He could feel her getting warm, both of their bodies returning to their usual temperature.
After a while he felt her move and let go. A moment of hesitation and wondering, if this had been it, was ended, when she turned sideways, her legs over his and her side leaning against his chest. Logan pulled her tight again, and for a while neither of them spoke a word.
"Did you mean what you said?" were the words with which Max broke the silence.
"Mean what?" Logan asked.
"That you want us to be all we can be? Do you really want us to be more than friends?"
Why does she have to ask that again? Doesn't she know what she wants or why? Oh please, I couldn't stand if she still wasn't sure. I admit that I haven't been sure myself until today, but right now I know exactly what I want. I want to kiss her. Right now, right here. Those beautiful lips…
All he could do was nod. He stared at her mouth and nodded.
Max's thoughts kept thinking about something else, so she asked, "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Tell you what?" he asked.
"What it means to be paralyzed. What it means when half of your body is not working the way you want it to."
He tightened his embrace and closed his eyes. "It's not exactly a topic you discuss with the dessert."
Why does she have to start talking about this again? Is she never gonna stop? Doesn't she understand that it's so much easier for me NOT to talk about it?
But Max didn't let go. Not right now. "No, but don't you think it should have been something we were able to talk about? You always pretended it was nothing – and I believed you."
"What made you change your belief?"
Max turned around and looked at Logan, who propped himself up on his elbow. "Honestly? Even when I found you with the gun, I was still sure it was all about walking. It wasn't until today that I realized being paralyzed means more than not being able to walk. That there are other… adjustments."
"But you're still here with me?"
"Of course I am. Why shouldn't I?"
Logan raised his eyebrow, then looked away. "Because these adjustments affect a relationship, too."
He's so cute. And scared. He should have understood by now that we're even. We're both difficult personalities – both have our problems. But he doesn't seem to care and neither do I.
"Like you not being able to walk or me being a genetically enhanced killing machine wouldn't affect a relationship either," Max told him. "I don't care, don't you get that?"
"Yeah, maybe. But I knew about your genetic enhancement from day one on. And you just told me that you found out today about several of…well…the less pleasant aspects of my disability." He was obviously not used to talking about this topic and therefore he was looking for words. I hate talking about this. She already made me talk a lot on this trip. I'm tired of it. I really want to move on. See how far I've gotten, Max? I really want to move on. "But there really is nothing to talk about, Max. Yeah, what you found out is right. It's not only that I can't walk, I also can't control my bladder or bowel and I don't have the slightest idea what works in the…er…sexual area. My muscles tend to spasm and I really wish I didn't have to deal with a single aspect of this. But talking about it won't change anything, and I'd really prefer you'd stop asking. I'm so happy to be here with you right now, to be with someone who knows and who doesn't seem to care."
"You're right, sorry. I'm gonna stop asking."
Max smiled, her gaze finally travelling over his lips as well.
I think he wants to kiss me. Wow.
"You know, I'm trying this thing too," she told him. "Right now I'm thinking about something I really want to happen."
"You do?" Logan asked, hardly able to hide the grin on his face.
Wow. I think that means that she wants me to kiss her. Wow. I can live with those morons and with her coming into the bathroom if this is how the day is going to end. I really can live with that.
She didn't have to wait long until she felt his lips on hers. The kiss was sweet, almost innocent. It was short, but it left both of them staring like idiots.
"Does that mean your grieving time is finally over?" Max asked, hoping that his answer would be a yes. "Cause, you know, I still have no idea how to help you."
"Well, I can't promise that it's final, but right now, I feel incredibly good. And I'd say that this is a perfect way," Logan said, his eyes glowing and all sorrow gone from his face. Max, if you'd know how much you're helping just by being here…with me.
"Good," Max nodded and let her hands glide along the sides of his neck. "'Cause I really like the idea of getting more of this."
She pulled his head to hers and kissed him, again gently and carefully. When she stopped, Logan's lips curved into a wide smile again and he said, "I'm not going to stop this anytime soon, so if you don't really want this, you better stop now."
Max met his smile. "I do really want this. I want to be there for you, whenever you need me. And I want you to be there for me."
"I will, I promise," Logan said. "I'll take care of you whenever you need me. And when we're back home, I'll try to find something to stop those seizures of yours. I'm not sure I can stand seeing you have them any longer."
She smiled at the concern and love in his voice. "My seizures are not going to kill me, as long as you're there and make me take my meds." She pulled his head closer to her. Kissing him lightly on the lips, she whispered, "Thanks for saving me tonight."
Logan smiled back. "Thanks for letting me save you."
He pulled her closer to him and kissed her on the forehead. "I promise I'll make you take your meds."
"And I promise to kick you in the ass every once in while."
"Sounds like a plan."
"Yeah, it does."
They kissed again, but this time there was nothing left of the innocence of
their first kisses. This time the kiss was full of love and pent-up desire.
And it held the promise that they wouldn't go back the way they had come.
