Despair pulls me down under
With no hope in sight
The darkness drowns my soul
My soul claws to the last ray of light
With no chance of a rescue
No liferaft in view
Lost in the vast ocean
Nothing but endless blue
Defeated and alone
Still fighting on my own
Time to swim or sink (by teamhook)
Emma feels herself floating, but it isn't…a good kind of floating. She lays on her sofa and stares into the void of space above her. What is up there? She squints her eyes and concentrates, but it's hard to distinguish.
The ceiling? That's it. The ceiling…in her house. The one chosen by Henry and Killian.
Killian.
She killed him. He's gone…and she killed him. She remembers why, but that doesn't matter. He's gone and he's never coming back.
The ceiling is under water…which doesn't make any sense. Ceilings aren't under water.
Maybe she's the one who is under water. Drowning. She's drowning…and she has no hope of rising to the surface. The weight of what she did is pushing her down, holding her under.
She can't breathe…but she has to breathe.
Why?
She tries to focus on why she has to take her next breath. Henry. Her parents. Her little brother. She ticks off the list of people in her mind, but her thoughts keep veering to the person not on the list. Not anymore.
Killian.
She can still feel the handle of Excalibur in her hand, how it shook with the combined power of all the Dark Ones captured within it. All except her…and Killian. The weight of it was too heavy…too much for her to bear. The weight of the blade, yes, but even heavier was the weight of what she had to do. Because of what she had done - turning him into the Dark One against his wishes. He told her not to do it. Said he wouldn't be strong enough to fight the darkness. But she couldn't let him go. So she did exactly what he told her not to do. And then…she eventually killed him anyway.
He died a hero.
She wishes she would have died with him.
Her darkness is gone…not inside her anymore. But now it surrounds her, and that is worse. Far worse. How is she supposed to go on without him? Without his strength, his encouragement, his belief in her.
His love.
Oh, God. How can she live without his love?
He promised to win her heart and he did, and now he had taken it with him. It wasn't broken or shattered. It was gone.
Her fingers search for the chain around her neck and slowly slide along it, until they find the ring. Killian's ring. The one that kept him alive all those years. The ring he gave to her in Camelot and she never gave back. What if she had? Would he still be alive?
The metal feels like molten lava between her fingers, but she can't stop touching it. She needs to feel something. Something other than what she's already feeling.
Pain.
Despair.
Regret.
Hopelessness.
Her family tried to talk to her, tried to cheer her up. Told her that her heart would heal with time. How can it heal when it is gone?
She didn't answer them and they gave up. Left her alone with her thoughts and her pain. Even Henry left, not knowing what to say. He was hurting too - she knew he was - but she was helpless to comfort him.
Minutes meld into hours and hours into days. She exists, waiting for the pain to lessen. When she is able to catch scraps of sleep, she only escapes for brief periods of time. Between closing her eyes and being awakened by the nightmares, she floats in oblivion, and that's when she thinks she might survive.
But when she opens her eyes each morning, she immediately regrets it. The despair hasn't gone anywhere. It's embedded in every fiber of her being.
People die - she knows that's a fact. But how many times had he told her he was a survivor? He proved it time and time again.
Then she killed him.
When she finally forces herself to leave the house, her feet carry her to the harbor, ignoring the sympathetic expressions on the faces of the people she passes. She doesn't even realize there are still other people in the world. Why should she care? The one person she needs is gone and is never coming back.
She sits on the dock for hours, searching the endless horizon, imagining his ship there. Wherever he is, is he sailing? Is he happy? Does he miss her?
Does he blame her?
Of course he does. How could he not? She turned him into the Dark One…and then she killed him.
The agony of that fact is a knife to her gut, the guilt stabbing and twisting into her relentlessly.
She returns to the harbor day after day. Many times, she thinks about walking into the endless stretch of water, disappearing beneath its surface. Would she meet him there? She imagines him floating in its vastness and longs to join him.
She wishes for death. It seems to be the only way to escape her torment. But she fears what death would bring. If it is what she deserves, it would be worse than what she is living now…if that's possible.
Sometimes, she's joined by her mother, father or Henry. They sit beside her and talk. She is aware there are words coming out of their mouths, but she never replies. She can't understand what they are saying…she's underwater and their words are incoherent. Finally, they give up and leave. Everyone leaves.
Killian left.
Nobody else matters. Not to her. Not anymore.
Then a tiny spark of an idea niggles its way into her foggy brain. She can find him. She can find him, go get him and bring him home. But that's impossible, isn't it?
It doesn't matter. She is the saviour. She saved everyone else and she will save him. She can do the impossible if it means having him with her again.
Casting her eyes once more on the horizon, determination sets her jaw.
He is out there and she is going to bring him home.
It's time to swim or sink.
xxxxxxxxx
