Chapter 5
Three months had past since Amanda came home to the planet Earth and had stayed at Memorial Hospital in Alabama. Amanda was now dead. It had only been that morning when Spock had attended her memorial ceremony with her family.
Two hours had passed since then and Spock was alone. He stepped out into the cool hospital garden contemplating last night. It was late in the morning and everything appeared fresh and bright. Spock could hear birds singing in the trees and the pond rippled from a soft breeze blowing across it.
He sat down on a bench facing the large enclosed pond in the garden. Upon the water were a variety of ducks and swans going about their daily business. Spock stopped thinking about last night and the terrible anguish he felt because of his Vulcan father. He took a deep breath of the rich air and folded his hands in front of him.
For some time he concentrated his vision on the birds swimming here and there. He was completely alone in the garden. The time was around lunchtime, but Spock didn't feel like eating anything.
Over the other side of the pond something moved. Spock recognised it to be two small children playing. He heard their childish laughter as they ran about chasing each other.
His thoughts came back to his mother. He had sat with her all night, through her delusions. Sarek had been called away on an emergency mission to the Trioris system. The people of Hael and Gretor had agreed for a cease-fire and sought help from the Federation as their peoples were killing themselves over petty wars.
Going back several long terrible hours Spock had been left alone with Amanda. Her condition had prematurely worsened and she was very close to death.
Spock was angered by Sarek's decision to leave her in such a terrible state. The doctors in the hospital had said that she probably wouldn't last until the early hours of the morning.
There was no way Spock could contact his father and there was no way that Amanda's son could ease his mother's suffering.
Sarek was so far away from them that Amanda had trouble accessing the link with him that had been established the night they had married. Amanda had begged for Sarek and no one else. It had caused Spock great pain to see her like this.
She hadn't been the same bright-eyed person he had known before and she seemed far away almost out of reach. Her condition had steadily worsened as the weeks and months had passed.
Sarek left her seven days earlier. Spock remembered with disgust the terrible argument, which had unfolded between him and his father concerning Amanda on the day Sarek was leaving for the Trioris System.
The argument had nearly resulted in Spock's wall of restraint cracking and breaking down in front of his coldly logical father. He simply could not understand how Sarek could leave her just a week before she died.
Sarek had told Spock that it was the good of the many which out weighed the good of the one, Amanda. Sarek's half human son Spock had been brutally told that his human side was stronger than ever and that he should perhaps refrain from actually seeing his mother. Spock had felt shamed and humiliated. How could his father have been so cruel?
Spock had left Sarek alone and had proceeded to Amanda's quarters. For her sake Spock had managed to keep his cool. He had even experienced wrath at his father for leaving her to suffer like that.
Slowly he closed his eyes and felt a cool morning breeze caress his face.
The memory of her was so clear he doubted that he would ever forget that terrible fateful night as he sat with the wasted frail woman who at one time had been an inexhaustible school teacher.
Over and over she had begged him to get Sarek for her. At first she didn't even recognise Spock as her son. That was the saddest part as she kept asking who he was and why he was bothering her. Spock had felt shame, shame that he couldn't really do anything to ease his mother's pain and rage that his father had left her.
I reached into her mind in a futile attempt to free her from the terrible pain. She had been so distant and had travelled deeper within herself. I had called mentally and tried to reach her, but she had kept on going. Going towards something that wasn't there.
The marriage link between father and mother had been too weak, but she had fought trying desperately to hold on to Sarek. The thread however finally snapped and he was gone.
Mother had being wrenched away by some unknown force.
There was a voice, distant, but clear. She had reached out, but was afraid to let go in case she spiralled out of reach. There was something else besides. Something that he could not see and only she could witness.
That something was warm, a light, but it had been so far away. It was welcoming, but her deep love for Sarek had held her back. Was this the tunnel, the myth of death that had been established centuries ago. Was this the afterlife? Amanda hadn't been sure.
Then there was that voice again, clear from a long way off, but precise. It was calling her name. She had reached out with her mind, her thoughts. She had no longer cared who it was. Sarek was long since gone. Death had been immanent and it had frightened her.
"This is Spock," I had said inside her mind. She had screamed out telepathically and it seemed to deafen me almost to the point of breaking the link. The sound rang in my head like tortured metal, physically hurting me. I remember gasping and struggled to control the pain that was ripping me apart.
Emotions of full force had hit him. Blazing into his consciousness like fire. Spock had realised however that they actually belonged to him and not his mother. She had been pulling him out of himself without even knowing.
The barrier, which kept him isolated from emotional torture of the outside world, had begun to break down. He was loosing her fast to the terrible claws of death. Spock had been desperate and struggled in vain to pull her back. She had reached back in desperate agony, but Spock was out of reach.
There had been no chance for eternal life; her spirit unlike a Vulcans could not be extracted. For it had been tried. Complex scientific experiments had been undertaken with volunteers. If a soul were caught it would only be a matter of a few minutes or hours at the most before it escaped and was lost forever.
I could do nothing, nothing to ease mother's pain. I had to finally let go. I could feel her anguish absorbed right through my mind and body.
I remember feeling something strange. It was like a shadow, calm and gentle. It enveloped mother's soul. She drifted further away from me. I felt weakened. I wasn't strong enough. I could no longer struggle and bring her back.
He had felt weak and exhausted. Slowly carefully he had withdrawn his mind from her own.
Mother's face was peaceful and she visibly calmed. She moved her head and gazed at me sitting at her bedside. She actually recognised me and whispered my name.
"Spock don't be too hard on Sarek," she had whispered. "It is logical...my son." Amanda had reached up and brushed her fingers at the side of his face. Spock remembered her closing her eyes and a smile touching her mouth as she passed away.
He had slumped back into the chair and allowed a moment to grieve. He had leaned forward resting his face in his hands and rubbing his temples, all that had remained was a throbbing headache. He had been unable to absorb what had really happened properly. It had all happened so fast. Perhaps in a matter of minutes.
Amanda had felt Spock withdraw from her mind, she felt his pain, but she had wondered why.
The pain of age had been completely erased, her white hair had turned back to its rich red/brown once again and there had been a sparkling tunnel, shimmering like jewels with every colour imaginable.
Before her had been a light. She had seen inside. There had been a garden. A man and a woman dressed in blue and green robes holding hands were standing by the entrance. They smiled and had beckoned her to follow.
Had she been delusional? The illness had affected her thought processes or was this simply the mind's way of easing the terror of death before nothingness? She no longer needed to feel fear. The people had been friendly enough. She had stepped towards then and recognised them to be her mother and father. She had followed them into the tunnel.
I had struggled to glance at mother for the last time then I pulled myself upright. She was peaceful as if in a deep sleep. At least there was no more pain for her any more.
Her eyes had been closed and I gently pulled the sheet over her face.
He had got to his feet and straightened the creased Starfleet uniform jacket he wore. As he left he had whispered in Vulcan, "good bye mother."
Once again Spock came back from the memory and closed his eyes for a moment, before looking up at the clear blue skies. Inside he broke and there was rage. He promised to himself that he could never forgive his father for leaving Amanda at her deathbed. Amanda's words had been forgotten.
Spock suddenly stood up and paced with measured steps toward a crumbling wall and leashed out beating his hand down with one large thump onto the stone. It crumbled beneath the closed fist, his hand bled. Tears filled his eyes. Emotional yes appropriate no. I cannot alter the situation, he thought hopelessly.
Despite the struggle for control he did not entirely succeed. Spock turned, took a long shaky breath, held his head up high and took the path back towards the hospital.
