Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel, Elder Scrolls, Mass Effect, Dragon Age, Final Fantasy, Harry Potter, or anything else that finds its way into these pages. No disrespect intended, only homage, no profit made, only entertainment intended. If you're a fan, read it, if you don't like it, stop reading. Simple as pie.

Rating: M for Mature. Please respect the rating.

Spoilers: Possible throughout the comics and the entire MCU.

Chapter Two: Fuck This Place

"Now we're back,

With fury in our hearts,

We attack back.

We're coming at you like a

Maniac.

We're not done yet, man!

Final call,

Our rage cannot be dulled by

Alcohol.

And as for you, I care

Bugger all.

I hope you all rot!

Still we say

Fuck this place!"

- "Fuck This Place," by GWAR

The team gathered outside the Clan Hall later that morning. Loki with his retinue; bodyguard Gladiolus Amicitia, Manservant Ignis Scientia, and best friend Prompto Argentum. Oerba Yun Fang, with her great double-ended spear. Varric Tethras, a Surface Dwarf with a beautiful repeating crossbow he called Bianca. And Sera, an Elf of indeterminate race from Vanaheim. They loaded their provisions and gear into the cargo storage of Loki's skiff and climbed aboard. He flew it as far west over the desert as he could until the Mist grew too heavy for flight, and landed it in a sheltered wadi on the far end of the Westersand.

"We walk from here," he said, and hopped off. He got his bags out of the cargo hold and settled them on his shoulders. "The Sandseas have little solid ground for travel, so we'll be following the platforms of the old oil drilling rigs built there by the ancients. Let us hope they are still in fair enough condition to get us to our destination unscathed by catastrophic collapses."

"How often do you think patrols get out this far?" Prompto asked.

Fang laughed. "Patrols don't enter the Sandseas, Prompto. We're likely to be the first city folk through these lands in millennia."

"So it's going to be swarming with fiends, right?"

"Actually, no," Loki said. "The Urutan live in the Sandseas, and so too do many Al Bhed. They keep the fiend population manageable."

"How long will it take us to cross? Assuming all goes as planned," Sera asked.

"Probably forty, maybe fifty hours, if we keep a steady pace and a good straight path," Fang said. "We'll be slowed by the need to hunt and stop to eat meals along the way – unless the rest of you are packing a lot of MREs in those bags of yours."

"I prefer wild game to those wretched things," Loki said. "Funny how we have the technology to cure almost every disease and heal virtually every wound but we don't have the ability to make freeze-dried food taste edible."

"Well expect meaty meals," Varric said. "There's probably not much for greens in the Sandseas."

"There are mandragora," Ignis said, pushing his Dwarven-made spectacles up on his narrow nose. "A type called the Alraune. Tastes of turnip, they say. It is essentially a vegetable, so we could get our vitamins that way."

"Turnip, marvelous. My favorite," Loki said, in a way that meant the opposite.

"You need a variety of nutrients in your diet, Your Highness," Ignis said. "It cannot always be just meat and potatoes."

"Yes, Mother."

"They set out, killing what fiends they encountered or needed for food, occasionally stopping to cook and eat. It wasn't the best cooking any of them had ever eaten, since ingredients were scarce, but food was food, and Axebeak cockatrice and turnip-headed Alraune were commonplace. They came upon a great eight-legged horse fiend and killed it. Loki's was the final blow and the beast turned into a Summoning Crystal.

"That's a fine beast you've tamed, Your Highness," Gladiolus said, shouldering his katana.

"I think I will gift it to Father," Loki said, contemplating the floating crystal. "He could use an impressive mount to ride into battle."

"It would surely be that," Ignis said.

"They proceeded on, hunting and occasionally stopping to eat, until they made the far end of the Nam-Yensa Sandsea. They encountered many Urutan, who were aggressive, and saw some Al Bhed, who maintained a distance, and were thoroughly sick of Danbania and Yensa sandfish by that time. Entering the pit that was dug out from around the once-buried tomb was a welcome relief from the heat of the sun as well, as it was the first time in many hours that they found any real shade.

A short woman in a khaki suit met them at the entrance. "I hope you're the hunters," she said. "That damned bird has been pecking at us for days now. Emerson is like to take a run at it himself if you don't handle it soon."

"Ms. Amelia Peabody?" Fang said. "We are from Clan Centurio -"

"Don't stand around here babbling, go and kill that blasted bird!"

"What bird?" Varric said.

"The Garuda! It's blocking access to the tomb!"

She shooed them away with her hands and they headed into the pit and the entrance to the tomb itself. They did not get a chance to wonder at the structure, as a great flying fiend that shone like the sun itself swooped down on them and attacked. They fought the beast, and Fang finally brought it down with her spear in its gullet. She wiped sweat from her eyes with the back of her hand.

"That was something," she said.

The woman in khakis entered the pit, followed by a tall Vanir Nord with black hair and a well-tanned countenance. "Excellent work! Thank you so very much!" she said. "That bird was a menace! Attacked us as soon as we made our first move to enter the tomb after doing all the long, hard work of digging it out."

"How do you want us to do this?" Fang asked. "I'm assuming you want us to go in first, to clear the place of traps and fiends, but I'm also assuming you want to leave everything pretty much untouched, right?"

"This is why I went to Clan Centurio," the woman said. "If you go to the Fighter's Guild, they don't even ask, they just charge in and destroy everything. There's more work cleaning up after them and trying to piece things back together in their wake than there would be if we just cleared the place ourselves. Yes, please, try to do as little damage as possible. We understand there may be traps you will have to deactivate, maybe even destroy, but… try to leave large pieces."

"We'll do the best we can, Ma'am."

"Do you want us to go poking in every corner and behind every false wall?" Loki asked. "There might be hidden areas, with fiends in them."

"If you manage to find any, please do, but only if you can enter them without too much destruction of the original structure."

Loki looked up at the vast tomb, which featured a god or some such carved atop it in a ghastly manner he'd never seen before. "I'm curious about the tomb itself," he said. "Do you know what the carving depicts?"

"We haven't been able to determine that for certain as yet," the dark-haired man said. "We believe it to be an early Nordic depiction of Akatosh, but we've never seen anything from this era before, so we cannot be certain."

"It's certainly ugly. Doesn't look like Nord work at all."

The woman chuckled. "This was carved trillions of years ago. Nordic culture and art has changed much in that time."

"Changed? I thought Nords were as set in stone as that ugly mug up there," Sera said. "I didn't think they ever changed."

"Long lives lead to long fashion trends," Loki said. "But you're partly right, we're far too hung up on tradition."

He headed for the tomb entrance. "There's no door, how do we get inside?" he said.

"We have some thoughts about that," the woman in khakis said, trotting after him. "See that device on top of the steps that looks a bit like a short lamppost? We've found similar things at other sites of extreme antiquity. They're a type of teleportation device, but they only take you to one specific place."

"And this thing is how old now?" Varric said, eyeing the lichen-covered metal cautiously.

"Exact dating is yet to be established, but we have definitely put it in the early Merethic Era."

"Which means what now?" Sera said.

"Which means this is probably the most ancient ruin ever found to date," Loki said. "Are you certain it is Raithwall's tomb?"

"We've found inscriptions that suggest as much, but we'll never be certain until we go inside."

"So we just… touch this nasty old thing… an' get whisked off to Gods know where?" Sera said, making a face at the teleporter. "How can you be sure it still works, and won't… rip us into molecular bits an' pieces?"

"That's the chance we take for glory," Loki said, and touched it. A burst of light, and the entire party vanished, reappearing an instant later inside the tomb.

"Arse," Sera said. "You could've got us all killed."

"Ah, but we're alive. Now let's get busy, we've wasted enough time jibber-jabbering."

Loki unsheathed his daggers and walked off into the tomb. A shrug, and the others followed. The Mist was so thick in this place that you could practically see it, faint shimmers in the air like oil on water, but for some reason there were no fiends in this area.

"Hey Iggy, does this seem right to you?" Gladiolus asked in an aside. "Shouldn't there be something?"

"I'm guessing there is," Ignis said. "Something that has kept this area clear of other fiends."

"So… a big fiend," Sera said, raising her bow.

"Or a particularly clever trap," Ignis said. "We should exercise caution in this area."

Loki headed down some nearby stairs. "Logical thinking leads me to assume that the trap, if such exists, is somewhere in front of the door to the next room. Let's find it and disable it."

"Is he trying to kill himself?" Prompto said, and hurried after him. The rest of the group followed suit. They looked around. There was nothing on the lower level before the door except a very ugly statue that looked like some sort of demonic bug god. It was carved from a slab of stone and set against the wall directly opposite the door at the head of a long aisle with exits only at the very front, by the statue, and through the door itself. Ignis examined it carefully.

"I say, this is quite the carving. Looks almost alive."

"That was when the statue's eyes lit up red, and the stone groaned to life. Waving four sabers, the Demon Wall advanced. Ignis jumped out of the way.

The statue wasn't swift but it was inexorable. It pressed them closer and closer to the door, pinning them, daring them to retreat. They did not. With swift blows they knocked the statue to pieces, a little at a time, until finally it crumbled, the force giving it animation completely spent. "That was creepy pasta," Prompto said. "Never been attacked by a wall before."

They exited through the door, and the whole battle started again as another Demon Wall came groaning toward them, fortunately from a much greater distance. They took their time with this one, and tried to beat it into bigger pieces for the archaeologist to study. Fortunately there were no more traps, and the remainder of the clearing went as expected. There were hundreds of fiends, and Loki turned dozens of Summonses, small fiends like bats and bigger ones like flans, and even one Gigas, but fortunately there were no draugr to contend with. After fighting their way down every corridor, they finally found themselves in the burial chamber.

"The sarcophagus of the Founder King," Ignis said, as they gazed upon it. "And that must be..."

"The Dawn Shard," Fang said, and stepped forward to take a closer look at the glowing stone clutched in the hands of the effigy on the carved lid of the casket. "The greatest of the Dynast-King's weapons, Deifacted Nethecite. The first of all Royal Arms. Your Highness, this is big. By rights, you could lay claim to this."

She turned to look at Loki, but Loki was not looking at the Dawn Shard. He instead stared fixedly at the back wall of the room, which was covered by a huge slab of stone. He walked straight past the sarcophagus and up to the wall.

"There's something hidden here," he said.

"How can you tell?" Gladiolus said.

"I can feel it. Help me read this inscription, Ignis."

Ignis came to his side and pushed his glasses up on his nose.

'"In the name of Akatosh, Father, I pray you. In the name of Mara, Mother, I pray you. In the name of Stendarr, Merciful, I pray you. In the name of Dibella, Loving, I pray you. In the name of Arkay, Forgiving, I pray you. In the name of Julianos, Wise, I pray you. In the name of Zenithar, Dutiful, I pray you. In the name of Kynareth, Whispering, I pray you. Divines grant that it remain sealed,'" he said.

"There's sumf'ing wrong with that. They left out Talos," Sera said.

"I believe you would find that these runes were inscribed here before Talos Ascended to Divinity," Ignis said.

"Well, if Raithwall really thought a thirty ton block of stone would keep us away from whatever's behind this slab, Nords must have been a lot weaker back in his day," Loki said, and slid the slab out of the way with a single push.

No fiends jumped out at them. All that was behind the slab was a plinth, upon which rested a warhammer on its head. Except for the long handle, more typical of a warhammer, it could have been the twin of Mjolnir. Ancient runes glowed softly in the metal of the head and the haft.

"What does that say?" Loki said. Ignis looked but shook his head.

"It is currently upside-down, Your Highness, and coupled with the extreme antiquity of the language in which it is written, I cannot decipher it as it stands."

Loki groaned, reached out, and picked up the hammer.

"Maybe you shouldn't do that?" Prompto said. "I mean, it was sealed away for a reason!"

"Vandr Brodir," Loki said. "That's an odd name for a weapon. What does it say on the haft? 'By rage consumed a power grows, the stronger will the weaker shows.'"

"Sounds like a power," Varric said.

"Sounds like a curse," Prompto said. "Put it back, Loke."

"Lady Peabody will doubtless wish to record everything in its original position in any event," Loki said, and put the hammer back on its plinth. He started to turn away, but his motion was arrested mid-turn when the hammer flew back into his hand. He looked at it in shock.

"Well, that was odd," he said, and put the hammer back again. And again, he only began to move away before the hammer flew back to his hand.

He looked at the others in dismay. "I think it likes you," Prompto said.