Chapter 30
The room was darkly lit save for a couple of candles glowing eerily in the gloom. Saavik had lost everything she possessed aboard the Krackatowa. The articles that bothered her the most even to the emotional point of sadness were that all the holograms of her daughter from birth to the weeks before her death were destroyed.
This room was spacious and luxury adorned. When Saavik asked for quarters it hadn't occurred to her at the time that Spock probably had some of his own. It was illogical to use up valuable space, but nether the less what was done was done.
For a long moment she gazed at the voltage candlelight. Saavik had got them from the stores.
She stepped out of the adjacent room and into the sleeping chamber dressed in a pale long white dress of Vulcan design. She too had acquired that from the ship's stores since she possessed no other clothes other than those she wore when the landing party was beamed up.
It appeared that if the stores did not have what the customer wanted they could access the onboard database and find the product in question then replicate it by using one of the powerful store replicator.
This devise was useful when beaming down to planets where a landing party didn't want to be recognised as something strange or from another culture. It was particularly useful when beaming down into a primitive less developed world as well.
Saavik stepped into the room. Spock was no longer seated where she had left him. Instead he sat huddled on the floor in the outer living room deep in his delirium of pluk tow, the blood fever. She could see he was shaking violently. The fever had stripped away his veneer of mental control. All that remained was his unconcealed rampant Human/Vulcan emotions.
Saavik realised that he had been hallucinating again. He had done so the minute that he was beamed up to the ship. He had thought that James Kirk had been in the transporter room.
* Spock found himself standing on the hot plain of the Vulcan desert. There was complete silence. The air was burning hot and he waited for the marriage party to arrive. This was a place familiar to him for he had visited here before.
Surrounding him stood an ancient arena built out of stone. Over time the stone had eroded and formed into strange irregular shapes carved by the centuries blasting of sand.
* Classic Trek episode titled as Amok Time
This place had been in his family for generations. Despite the searing intensity of the desert, the hot air had cooled his burning skin. The scene appeared as real as before, those many years ago. It was similar in design to Stonehenge on the planet Earth. Inside was a hollow temple. In the far centre stood a large gong and towards the east was a burning pit of fire. Now and again the pit erupted ash, hot smoke and gas into the heavy dry air.
It had all happened previously, long ago, but now it seemed like time was repeating itself all over again. This scenario seemed to belong in another life to another time and Spock was only a spectator. Pon Farr the mating ritual was happening again. For a moment he wondered how he had actually got to Vulcan.
Spock continued to stand and he waited.
It had been a horrid event, something Spock rarely wanted to remember, but now it plagued him deeply and was rearing its ugly head yet again. The memory seemed to have become completely real. It felt so genuine he could literally taste and smell the air. Spock no longer seemed to see it through another man's eyes, but through his own.
His ears picked up the distinctive sound of bell chimes. Then the marriage party came. He remembered seeing T'Pring. She had been breath takingly beautiful. Although he had only met her a handful of times he had wanted her almost to the point of desperation.
The condition had clouded his senses, his mind, all reason and reality. All he had thought of was that woman. In truth he had barely known her. By the lack of expression and glacier gaze with no soul she appeared to be deliberately avoiding his feverish glance.
Spock remembered that she did not want him. For she had chosen another. The very man had been standing next to her. Stonn.
He had turned his gaze away and saw a man dressed in an old-fashioned style blue tunic Starfleet uniform. Next to him was another man. He was fair and wore the uniform of command. Gold.
Spock had realised that both men were his friends, but the fair one played some significant part in the tragedy, which was about to unravel all over again. Spock realised that it was same man with whom he had mistaken the doctor for in the transporter room earlier. It was the man who had saved his life. Who had brought him back to Vulcan from death?
Different memories and different times converged and mixed. The image flickered from one time to another then back again, but through all of this all he could think of was this woman who rejected him. T'Pring had requested a challenge, but not between him and Stonn like she had originally planned. She had chosen Kirk to be her champion. Spock's friend and he wondered why.
Suddenly Spock found himself fighting to the death with Kirk. He no longer cared who Jim was. As far as he was concerned it could have been anyone. All he wanted was T'Pring. Spock slashed out venomously with strength he did not know he possessed.
He cut Kirk down and sliced. The lirpa slashed across Kirk's chest slicing through the fabric of his uniform and tearing the fragile flesh beneath. Kirk struggled, but to no avail. Spock found himself carrying the ahn woon. It was simply a piece of fabric, but was also a deadly weapon. Kirk on the other hand had no idea what it was for and Spock got a keen start.
Before Jim could prepare himself Spock lunged forward grappling the captain and swung the weapon around his neck like a noose. He pulled tighter and tighter until Jim's face turned a brilliant shade of purple. In the background there was a voice pleading for him to stop, but Spock ignored it. All he wanted was Kirk dead and T'Pring to be his mate.
Kirk fell back and landed on the sand. He struggled to breath, to release the pressure of the ahn woon around his neck, but Spock was too strong. Finally Jim slumped back against the sand apparently dead.
In the mists of the terrible memory, which replayed it to exact specifications in his photographic memory, Spock physically got to his feet and ran. Suddenly something was holding him tight. He had to get away from it and he struggled.
Slowly the scene began to fade into darkness. All that remained was echoes of what once was. He saw Kirk's lifeless face floating in mid air in front of him. He fell against a wall and slid down sobbing. He had killed his captain. His closest friend. Jim was fading away and only agonised guilt and pain remained.
"NO," he yelled out. "You can not die." His voice finally broke and tears spilled down his cheeks. Spock opened his eyes to darkness. Someone was sitting patiently with him. He realised that Kirk didn't die, not at that point in history. Strangely the realisation soothed him.
There was a woman dressed in a thin pale dress. Spock turned his head to face her. It wasn't T'Pring. It was Saavik. Cautiously he stretched out an arm toward her as if testing to see if she was another of the hallucinations.
"Saavik," he managed to whisper. She complied and reached out, pulling him close to her, but her touch did not erase the terrible anguish he felt and Spock continued to sob bitterly against her shoulder. The memory of Kirk was still clear in his mind.
How could T'Pring cause him so much pain? He wondered if she set out to deliberately wound him. To see if he would break under pressure and test his Vulcan reserve for cracks.
Saavik was entirely different. Spock had known her since he found her as a child. With T'Pring he knew nothing about her. Only briefly had they touched minds when they were seven. Their parents had arranged it all. The link resulted with a delicate bond between the two and only when he entered Pon Farr would they finally meet at the appropriate place.
Spock's mother had reservations about the bonding ceremony when he was seven. T'Pring was cold and distant even for a Vulcan. Somehow she seemed to always be thinking of something else. At times of despair Spock had reached out for T'Pring with his mind, but she had always been distant and her mind was elsewhere. Spock guessed long ago that there was someone else involved. He had finally managed to forget about her.
Spock came back to the present and heard Saavik's soft voice.
"Come with me," she whispered. Slowly carefully Saavik withdrew her arms and stood up. She reached down and took his hands into hers and pulled him up. Unsteadily he made it to his feet and Saavik guided him by the hand towards the sleeping chamber.
He slumped down on the bed. She sat on the edge stroking damp hair off his feverish brow. "Do you wish to talk about the hallucinations?" She asked quietly.
"No." It was all he could say. Saavik leaned down over him, her lips brushed his. "Then it is time." She said in Vulcan. "Let me free you of this." He gazed up into her brown eyes. She suddenly smiled and it actually surprised him.
"Please wait," he murmured. His voice was so quiet that only a Vulcan could have discerned what he had just said.
"Of course." Suddenly his body contorted from pain. Saavik's usually cold expression softened with sympathy. Spock shuddered. His skin felt clammy and the fever took full advantage of him. The Vulcan opened his eyes and gazed at her. She smiled gently taking his face into her hands.
Spock tensed and he tightened his hands into closed fists.
"Are you in pain?" She whispered ever so quietly.
"Please...do not touch me," he replied.
"I want to help."
"No.," he moaned while shaking his head. Spock moved his arm and flexed his fingers. Saavik took his hand.
Spock struggled to sit up so she propped his up against the pillows despite his protests. She could see that this situation was humiliating for him.
"I know how this must be difficult for you, Captain," she said. "Sir, tell me what you are feeling?"
"What?" Spock appeared shocked. "Saavik, it is none of your business. Please leave." She shook her head.
"I can't do that sir." Spock made no further comments. Finally after a time of terrible inward mental suffering he spoke again.
"I am afraid," he mumbled with pure shame. Saavik nodded.
"I know you are, but you are safe with me."
Spock did not reply.
"Talk to me," she said.
"What do you want to hear?" He said almost sarcastically. "You can not gain me this way."
"What is there to gain? I require nothing except your-"
He bluntly interrupted. "I will not mate with you Saavik."
"And it frightens you deeply. I assure you that I will do whatever is needed to help you. I will not sit back and wait for you to die." Spock turned burying his face in his hands.
"I do not wish to die," he said. Saavik gently took his hands away from his face and held them in her own.
"We discussed this before." Her voice softened. "There is no one here. We are alone." Spock shook his head, and then it acured to her. "Is it the mind meld that you fear?"
"Yes. Please could we talk about something else?"
"As you wish. The hallucinations?" She probed again on that subject.
Spock closed his eyes and struggled against the darkness, which fought to claim him. "I was fighting...James Kirk...in the arena," he said. Saavik nodded. Spock couldn't seem to make his voice work any louder than before and only a whisper emerged. "I thought that... I had... killed him," he breathed.
"In the marriage ceremony?" She asked not quite sure. Spock had told her the story a long time ago.
"Yes."
"But he didn't die. You told me Doctor McCoy injected him with Triox Compound. It mimicked death."
"Yes," he managed to say between gasps. Saavik took his hand and caressed his fingers with her own. Gently she placed it down at his side. With her free hand she reached toward his face to the katra points.
Saavik leaned over him. He was trembling, but not from the fever this time, but still from consternation. She took his other hand and pulled it towards her face. Spock complied and re-enacted her gesture despite wanting to get as far away from her as possible.
"Don't be afraid," she murmured. "Open your mind to me." Spock gazed wide-eyed into hers. He couldn't really believe what they were doing was really happening to him. It almost seemed as if it was part of a dream.
"My mind to your mind," she whispered slowly. "My thoughts to your thoughts." Saavik prepared herself. She had never before been involved in such a deep meld. Something of this intensity was normally shared between bonded couples. For a moment she paused wondering what she doing.
Due to her momentary lapse in concentration Spock suddenly tried to break away from her touch. She caught his bare shoulders as he struggled to rise. Apprehension filled his face. Saavik gently pushed him back down against the pillow.
"It is all right Captain," she said softly. He swallowed hard and felt a chill run down his spine. His whole body tensed as he battled to relax. Saavik took his hand again and kissed his long slender fingers. He gazed at her while fighting for breath and realised that somehow she had awakened his senses. Saavik leaned back down again.
Past and present collided into one and there was pain. The pain was beyond anything physical that he could endure. He was being swept away by it. And then there was Saavik. She drew him closer to her, closer than he would have allowed before and he wept softly in the darkness.
He felt her mind in contact with his and he tried to build a wall around himself. He failed miserably.
Her fingers gently brushed away his tears. Spock struggled to speak between the sobs of pure desperation. All dignity he previously had, which was all he had eroded into nothing. His bare self was exposed in front of this woman.
Spock shivered violently and struggled to endure what was happening to him. Saavik was closer to him than he had ever permitted and there was nothing he could do. She would not turn away no matter how much he wanted to be alone.
He felt hot blood rushing to his skin, burning and he struggled against terror. His lips quivered and he moved his head to the side on the pillow sobbing openly. He felt her fingers stroke his neck and travel up to trace the curve of a pointed ear.
He tried to resist it and moved away, physically pulling himself apart from her. Saavik leaned over him. Carefully she drew him back and took him into her arms. He slumped and leaned against her chest looking up at her with doleful brown eyes, his gaze full of distressing hurt and torment.
"Help...me," he sobbed in a final desperate plea in which his raging human half despairingly called out for her. His Vulcan half tortured him against it, there was a battle against love and logic violently unfolding inside his head.
He knew that she would do anything for him, but it still did not make any difference.
Saavik stroked his hair. Spock let her gently ease him down.
"I will. Do not be afraid. I will let no harm come to you." Saavik paused and waited. He said nothing so she continued. "We will get through this together, you and I."
"You do not understand Saavik."
"I do. Believe me I do," she said as if reading his thoughts. "I understand the constant battle inside. For I..." Spock gazed at her with wide eyes.
"Please...join with me," she whispered very quietly.
"This is illogical," he said. "Illogical!"
"This is what we must do. You and I. It is the biological need inherent in all life forms. In us." Spock shook his head.
"No. I can't do this."
"You can," she said trying to reassure him.
"I want you, but-" She interrupted him.
"It will be all right, now let me join," she pleaded. Spock took a deep shuddering breath and squeezed his eyes closed. She took it for an answer, a painful one at that. This felt wrong for her as well. Spock was trying his hardest to detach himself from the situation. What she was literally going to do was force herself into his mind, it would be a deep personal cost for both of them.
Would this be violation of the mind? She wondered. Saavik was concerned and decided that she needed his consent. She decided that she would never force her consciousness into him, no matter what situation, no matter how desperate.
"Spock, I will leave if you wish me too," she said finally. Saavik tensed hoping that his answer would be the one she was longing to hear. The other would mean his death. There was silence and Spock shivered from convulsions. All his muscles strained and there was terrible agonising pain. Saavik reached out longing to soothe him. Finally he moved his head and they made eye contact.
"Please...stay with me," he pleaded.
"And I will. Do you trust me?"
Spock nodded. "Yes."
"And do you consent for me to join with you?"
"Yes."
"You have made the correct decision my brave captain," she whispered. Her fingers traced the line of his jaw just before her feather like touch once again probed the melding points. This time Spock responded and repeated the action.
She held his hand against the side of her face and carefully moved his fingers towards her temples. Her face felt cool beneath his palm.
"My mind to your mind," she said repeating the ancient chant. Spock joined in and together they continued the archaic recital.
"My mind to your mind. Your thoughts to my thoughts," they said very slowly in complete unison. Saavik closed her eyes and probed his consciousness. At first there was anxiety, but she erased it with a simple thought. He let her move deeper inside.
She opened her mind to him. All her own Vulcan control and restraints suddenly vanished. She felt his unease at being exposed and open to her. The bond would deepen furthermore. This was just the outer fringes.
Saavik remembered the very first time she helped him through Pon Farr on Genesis. When she linked with his mind at that time she saw nothing, only complete emptiness and confusion. It had pained her to see him like that for there had been nothing left inside of what he was before.
Perhaps it is illogical to care for him so much, she thought, but Saavik couldn't help it. He had saved her young life from the brink of annihilation. All she could logically do was return his kindness. And she wanted too.
Saavik took him into herself and reached below into a pool of darkness and travelled down towards the centre of his being. There was further restraint, but she soothed the initial disquietude.
She brought him through the heavy barriers of fear and desolation. No longer he felt the need for discipline to preserve his soul from the terrible battering from the outside world. He finally was safe. Safe inside her calm placid mind. Gently carefully she moved forward through the tunnels of outer mind towards the centre. The deeper she travelled the harder it became to move.
Despite the years of training Saavik feared she would loose herself within the labyrinth of his psyche and private thoughts. She could feel everything he felt. His fear of unity was all that remained. Here within the meld there was nothing to hide. From now on there would be no secrets between them. Neither could control what the other saw.
It had frightened her before, but all fear had erased the moment she touched him. She had finally got what she had wanted. He was more valuable to her than all the stars in the universe.
Her mouth was against his. The action caused their minds to plummet faster and faster into the spiral of passion and seek the centre of all existence. Finally their naked souls touched. Saavik suddenly gasped. She could no longer keep the rapture buried inside herself from exploding when both of their minds conversed and become one.
The full power of his mind penetrated her. She planted hungry kisses on his mouth and neck. He felt as if his whole being would explode from unquenchable sensation. He entered into her thoughts. There was no barrier, only pure openness. He could travel where he pleased and witness knowledge he could not possibly imagine.
Spock stepped into her glowing light. The white glow bathed him. It was her katra. The meld deepened until unity and pure bliss was beyond all control.
Finally the moment began to cool until all Saavik heard was their frenzied uncontrolled breathing. She could feel his heart beating hard against her. She withdrew her hand and with it her mind. Spock did the same.
She moved against him and he felt the tumble of long dark hair on his bare chest. Saavik finally lay down until her head rested against warm skin and she kissed his collarbone. Spock opened his eyes and gazed down at her.
She could feel his mind calming almost back to normal, but the pure unanimity wasn't completed yet. Not at least until they shared experiences together and that would only come on their wedding night if such an event ever arrived.
Saavik realised he had survived the Pon Farr and that mating ritual was erased completely from his system. The link had freed him. All that remained was calm tranquillity and he was once again regaining some of his control. She leaned forward and gazed into his dark eyes. His fingers were stroking her long wavy hair. She kissed him, and then lay back down.
She waited until his breathing slowed to a more regular pattern and then she felt his voice inside her head. It was calm, not the erratic confused and painful sound like before. This time it was strong, but the words were meaningful and mild. Out loud he whispered, * "T'hi Myi." His arms cradled her and long fingers stroked her skin that he had been longing to touch. Finally she closed her eyes and sleep came.
* In nearest human translation the term T'hi Myi means beloved. It is usually spoken during the throws of Pon Farr.
