Chapter 34

The Starship Nova headed back towards the planet Earth at warp two. It would take her two days to get home from this position. Once there all crew would be permitted a months shore leave at their discretion.

Captain Spock awoke from a heavy slumber. He sat bolt upright when he heard the door chime. Who could be visiting this late at night?

His quarters had been left relatively untouched; even so he assumed people had camped out in here during the Arkhictoura crisis.

Spock ordered for the lights and he stared at the chronometer on the wall. He squinted at the bright light and was surprised that the clock said two hundred hours in the morning. He had gone to bed relatively early and had fallen asleep almost at once. He guessed that the doctor had been correct and he was exhausted. Then he remembered that he was supposed to discuss the proposal with Saavik hours ago.

For a moment Spock felt guilty, but it passed quickly. After all it was not his fault that he had fallen asleep and had only awoken now. The Vulcan calculated he had been asleep for over seven hours.

"Come," he said. The door opened with a slight swooshes. Dressed in civilian clothing, Saavik stepped into the chamber. She wore her long wavy hair free and it adorned her slender shoulders.

"Forgive me," she said. "I did not know that you had been sleeping."

"It does not matter," he said getting off the bed. He tried to smooth the now crumpled clothing he was still wearing.

"I have just come off duty," she said.

"Doctor Berger informally requested that you step down from command," he said levelly. "You are not obeying orders Saavikam."

"Yes I know, but humans have a penitent to over worry."

"Neither the less," he said. "You lied to me. Vulcans do not lie."

"I have stepped down now," she said.

"The doctor told me that if he discovered you were disobeying his orders he would see to it that you would remain in the sickbay during the entire voyage to Earth."

"He did?"

"How did you find me?" He said abruptly changing the subject.

"I looked in the ship's personal quarters enlistments." Spock nodded.

"I see. I should have told you that I had private quarters in the first place. I simply forgot. I assume you have come to discuss the engagement?"

"Yes. I have," she said, but something clearly bothered her. Spock saw it in her usually passive face. He chooses not to explore the matter though. At least not until the appropriate time and when she felt the need to tell him.

"Please sit down." Saavik pulled up a chair and sat stiffly. Her spine barely touched the back. Spock sat back down on the edge of the bed. "I have given the matter little thought."

"Then I think we should discuss it now." Spock nodded thoughtfully.

"Are you sure this is what you really want?" He asked.

"Yes," she replied. "This is what I wish." Something inside Saavik stirred without her realising it at first. She was confused. Saavik gazed over at Spock and frowned. Saavikam let me help. What is it?

She glanced at him for a second and realised that he had placed those words inside her head. The link had not yet weakened and she actually wondered for a moment whether she already had created an everlasting connection between them without realising it last night.

"Control is difficult," she said out loud. He nodded.

"Then you must learn to master it Saavik," he said. She sincerely wondered how he was successfully controlling his own turbulent feelings. Ever since she had known him she had wondered how he had ever managed to victoriously consume them without them consuming him.

When she first knew Spock she had assumed he was fully Vulcan until the day he told her of his human heritage. On the day he when he told her about his human side his words had given her great strength. He had conquered his inner self perfectly in her eyes. She had someone with whom she felt close enough to trust and look up too.

Up until recent years Saavik had mastered her own dangerous Romulan emotions, but now they had risen up through the dark secret passages of her subconscious and were almost exposed to the light. She was struggling.

"Please help me," she said quietly. Her words seemed to come out as an embarrassed mumble. Saavik gazed down at the floor vanquished.

"I am abashed," she said. "For I have persevered with my mind rules, but they no longer aid me. I can master it only for a few hours then the emotions return." She scrutinised the aristocratic yet alien angular face for a moment.

"They consumed me ever since T'Sharl died. Then again when I saw you," she whispered. "They seem as if a manifestation has trespassed into my mind and wishes to devour any shred of control left. Logic seems almost illogical."

"Do you wish to talk about her?" He said kindly. Saavik stared down at the carpeted floor. She nodded.

Spock leaned forward.

"K'Rissel's infant," she started. Spock appeared puzzled.

"K'Rissel was a survivor of the Droline massacre."

"The child was so close to death. I could actually understand K'Rissel's fear," said Saavik. "There were so many other children who were all doomed to die and there was nothing I could do to save them."

"You did what you could," he said.

"It does not make any difference. I felt the same reaction when I heard that T'Sharl died. I was powerless. I could not return to Vulcan and I could not face you. Do you think T'Sharl would have resented me?" Spock shook his head.

"No. She understood you. She even pleaded for me to find you again. Do you blame yourself for her death?" He said. Saavik did not reply. "There was nothing you could have done to have prevented it. It simply happened."

"I have dealt with children before," she said. "I did not...feel this then." She shook her head.

"Many things trigger emotions," said Spock calmly.

"Yes." Saavik agreed. "But I am a Vulcan. I should not be feeling them."

"Perhaps..." his voice trailed off into silence.

"Sometimes I wonder why I even allow myself to continue this way," she said sadly. She looked at him and expected him to say at least something that would reassure her that logic was correct. "I know longer know what to believe. I have observed the humans. I fail to understand their behaviour."

She gazed intently at Spock with large pleading eyes. "They seem so sanguine." Saavik sighed deeply. "Logic appears to be ridiculed in their beliefs. It is only us who share this point of view. Why must we hide behind this delusion?"

Spock raised an eyebrow. He did not properly fathom her words and he was subtly surprised. For him logic had always been the beginning, not the end. He had always thought that, at least until now. Saavik's painful words actually made him question himself. His own beliefs.

Sometimes he so desperately wanted to become part of humanity and cleanse himself from the imperturbable Vulcan way of life, but logic always triumphed in the end and Spock had always managed to exterminate the feeling, but why was Saavik's words so meaningful to him now? He did not know.

Spock took himself into check. The Vulcan way was correct. Once again he managed to convince himself that it was right. Human emotions were distasteful; they corrupted the mind and weakened the spirit.

"I believe that some of this is the residue from Pon Farr," he said introspectively. "It is possible for a female to obtain metal vibrations of Pon Farr from the male even after the..." Spock broke off. "We did join minds even if it was only temporary. I am sure it will pass Saavik."

"I too have found it difficult to control those feelings at times." Spock turned to face her. "It is only customary to feel the residue from last night. I suspect what you are experiencing are simply echoes from my mind."

"We are still linked," she said. "I can feel you inside my head at all times. It is like being two individuals in one mind." Spock nodded thoughtfully.

"If we were to bond it would be the same." Saavik tensed.

"I am not sure that I like the sensations."

"Does it frighten you?" Saavik suddenly froze. His words were embarrassing and clearly human orientated. She remembered asking the same question to him last night, but despite that, the situation was different now. Wasn't it? She looked away trying to desperately compose herself. He read her expression. "I was simply asking what you may feel if you are indeed experiencing distasteful emotions. It is a logical question which may led to something deeper."

"Counselling?"

"You could put it like that I suppose." Spock nodded. "Yes." He is becoming more human. She thought. Perhaps he is more human than I first realised.

"It is disconcerting," she replied. "Do you sense me?"

"Yes," he said, "but the link is fading. Perhaps it will take a little longer for you. After all your telepathic ability is considerable greater than my own due to your mixed Romulan heritage."

"I can not see how that matters," She replied.

"Humans are not known for telepathic strength. I am limited because of what I inherited from my mother."

"For you, Romulans are close to Vulcans physically and psychologically. They may not have telepathic abilities like Vulcans, but some are known to have a limited ability." Saavik nodded. "Perhaps your Romulan parent was psychic," he said. Saavik nodded.

"Perhaps, but this is not like anything I have experienced before." Saavik gazed at him.

"If it is little comfort to you, nor have I."

"What I do not understand is that these feelings are almost like what I would imagine a human would feel-" Spock cut her off.

"Then it is defiantly a residue from me," he said. "Perhaps I have inherited more humanity than I previously knew, but I can understand it now. I realise that it is part of me."

"Are you saying that you have excepted your...emotions?"

"Perhaps." Spock felt distinctly uncomfortable discussing his inner most self despite the exposure of last night, but it was necessary to help Saavik. "You must follow your own path Saavikam. Seek what you truly believe."

"You have changed Captain," she said.

"You are still young. You will understand when you gain maturity. It is part of being one of two cultures."

These words seem strange coming from your lips, thought Saavik.

"Do you think that we have in fact bonded?" She said quietly. Spock remained silent. His gaze was fixed on a spot on the wall.

He looked up and said, "There are always possibilities, but I doubt it. An eternal bond can only be created through both people merging at once. I do not recollect joining in such a way. Technically we were still two separate entities even if it appeared to you that we had become one mind. The process would imply that the two minds would merge in such away we would become one single being. I did not experience that sensation. Nor did you."

"How do you know that?" She said confused. Spock was silent and was trying to think of a way to explain it.

"I was betrothed before," he said frowning. "But nothing ever came of it. I do know however that we did not bond." Saavik wanted to say something else, but the words did not pass her lips. That was not answer. You as basing it on a feeling. I cannot fathom it. Why are you telling all this to me?

"It would have be impossible," he said after a time of contemplation. He decided that nothing other than a deep mind link had happened. "Even if you attempted the act. I did not participate, so it could not," He rephrased the words, "would not happen. I will help you master the feelings you are experiencing and I shall endeavour to control mine.

"Thank you sir."

"I will help you to the best of my abilities like we did before," Spock said remembering the first time he taught her meditation. Saavik rubbed her temples. She did not feel too well. Her head throbbed greatly from the tension.

"I am tired," she said. She turned to the door. Spock did not try to stop her. She abruptly stopped of her own accord. "Perhaps I should have not come here this late at night. It was not logical."

"Saavik you are not in error," his voice said coming from behind her. "If you choose to stay here with me a little longer I can promise to help you." Saavik shook her head.

"I would rather not."

"Very well, but do not concern yourself with unnecessary illogical worries about me." Something made her turn around. He had read her mind again. Spock was standing just a few metres away with his hands clasped behind his back.

"You will offer to help me now?" She questioned going back to the inquiry of meditation. Spock nodded in reply.

"I will," he said. Saavik finally walked back towards the inner chamber of his quarters. "Come. Please sit." Saavik obeyed and sat down on the bed.

The other Vulcan stood in front of her for a moment then crossed over to the built in mirrored dressing table unit. He lit several sweet scented candles then turned the lights down very low and sat down in the vacant chair next to the bed.

"Let us begin the lesson." Saavik stared down at the floor. "Will you permit me to join with you?"

"Yes."

Spock leant towards her, then carefully placed a warm hand against her face. She closed her eyes and relaxed enough just for his thoughts to gently enter into her outer mind. "Saavikam open your mind to me," he murmured inside her head. She opened her eyes and watched the soft glow of candles and breathed the deep fragrance of incense.

"Focus in on the glowing candle light. Surround yourself with its luminescence and absorb its energy. Take in deep regular breaths." Saavik did so. She stared into the flame as if mesmerised.

"Allow your mind, your consciousness to relax. See nothing but the flame. Hold on to its power. Feel its energy. You are strong now. Focus into yourself." Saavik's concentration never wavered. "Build a wall, brick by brick. Build it strong and around yourself. Build it slowly and steadily."

"Remember to focus into yourself, only see the wall and the candle's flame," he said out loud in a hushed almost hypnotic voice. "Now swallow the emotions which threatens to consume. The wall will protect you. It will keep you safe. Focus on it. Swallow the emotions, the feelings. Keep the wall strong. Reinforce it if you have too."

Spock's internal voice became distant like a memory as Saavik successfully rebuilt her once crumbling wall of control and restraint. Slowly he eased his hand away and it dropped down.

He got to his feet and crossed to the environmental controls. "Keep focusing, see the candle burning. And build your wall." He adjusted the light settings to almost total darkness. Momentary Saavik opened her eyes and gazed at the four burning candles glowing ghostly in the twilight.

She centred her whole being on the slight flicker of light. Her breathing slowed. Her mind cleared, her shield was strong and she focused in on it. She reached out to test its strength and found it was sturdy. Nothing could harm her now. She was indestructible.

"Focus," murmured the other Vulcan and her own lips formed the word.

Finally peace came and all the confusion, the emotion was gone. It was completely erased from her system. Gradually everything began to float away from her until total relaxation took her.

Realising that she had fallen asleep Spock gently lay her down on the bed and she curled up fast asleep. Spock guessed she was as exhausted as he was.

Slowly she opened her eyes and was careful not to break down her protective wall of composure. How long had she been here? Saavik was not sure. Realisation struck her that she may have fallen asleep. After all she was rather exhausted following the nightmare on Droline V. Saavik realised she was lying on Spock's cabin bed.

He was sat in the chair. His palms were facing together in front of him. She sat up.

"Captain Spock," she said calmly. He opened his eyes and glanced coolly in her direction. His teaching his wisdom had helped. "I did not fall asleep did I?" She questioned.

"Forty five minutes, thirty one seconds," he said coolly with a subtle hint of amusement. Saavik felt embarrassed, but managed to scrape her protective wall around her. She pulled herself to her feet and hastily headed for the door. She wondered if he would have left her there all night.

"Saavikam practice every day, but refrain from falling asleep."

"Thank you Captain Spock," she whispered.

"Remember if you do weaken watch the candle in your mind, absorb it's light and build the wall." Saavik nodded.

"Perhaps we could meditate together again," she said.

"Yes that is an excellent idea."

Saavik paused a moment longer. She now felt safe within herself. And she could think straight, unemotionally.

"We have not yet discussed the marriage," he said.

"I had forgotten. It was the reason why I had come here in the first place." Saavik sat back down. She gazed coolly at him. "Do you consent Captain?"

"I thought it over while you were...slumbering."

"And your answer?" Spock rose in the darkness and arranged his long robes.

"I accept your proposal," he said calmly. Saavik stepped over towards him. Gently he took both of her hands into his own, his fingers gently parted hers into the form of the V.

He clasped her palms hard against his own before softly caressing them with his fingertips. She closed her eyes and savoured the pleasurable sensations from his touch.

Finally Spock pulled away and let his arms fall to his sides. He stepped back a few paces.

"My career?" She said. "I have only recently been promoted to this rank."

"You must decide what you wish to do for yourself." Saavik nodded.

"But I do not know what to do."

"You must do what you think is best. I cannot give you that answer Saavikam. Only you know that."

"May I ask you why you left the fleet?" She questioned.

"I simply felt that my time concerning Starfleet was finished. I continued teaching at the academy, took command of a ship of my own. I did not wish to return from my final mission and be bombarded by Command about accepting the admiralty."

"I see." Saavik seemed contented with what he said. "I should go now Captain." Spock nodded.

"If we are to become kin you no longer need to address me by my rank," he said formally. Saavik nodded.

"As you wish."

"May you sleep well."? Spock joined her at the door. Saavik passed him.

"And to you, T'hy Myi." He permitted her a slight smile and she left for the solitude of her own quarters.