Okay, this chapter is why I originally made this fic NC-17. The language is really bad, so you've been given fair warning! Also, there is a more explicit sexual scene at the end but it's very short and pretty mild so I won't up the rating yet. Please don't bother flaming me about the language - you now know it's there, okay?

.Chapter Nine "all my desire is before thee; and my groaning is not hid from thee." Psalm 38:9

It was around 1am when Snape got back. As he stepped out of his sitting room fireplace he heard strange thumping noises from upstairs, like something was falling or being thrown. He kicked off his boots and crept noiselessly up the stairs. A light was on in one of the bedrooms down the hall. As he got closer he heard odd inchoate sounds. He peered round the door to find Hermione in a passion. She was throwing books around her room, her face was red and her eyes were wet. She looked like demon incarnate.

She caught a glimpse of him. "Get out! Just get out!" He ducked as a book came whizzing his way. He took a step into the room. "Are you fucking deaf? I said to get out! Just go away! Why are you even here, you useless piece of shit?" Another book came whizzing his way. It might have been funny but for the truly dangerous rage on her face. This was not a tantrum - she wanted to do real damage. He stood transfixed by how weird her eyes looked. He thought her eyes were brown but he now realized they weren't; they were a very dark iron grey. In her passion, they blazed almost silver, reflecting light eerily like a cat. It unsettled him somewhat.

"Hermione, calm down!" he ordered firmly. He realized that was the wrong approach when a volley of CDs came his way.

"Fuck off, you useless son of a bitch!" She screamed.

How does she know my mother was a bitch, he wondered inconsequentially? "Hermione," he said gently, finally twigging that his best approach was to be calm and reasonable. "What is wrong? Talk to me." He dodged another book.

"I don't want to talk to you. I want you to go away!" She yelled.

That would suit me too, he thought annoyed. He stood his ground, his hands on his hips and his expression unimpressed. She fumed and kicked a few pieces of furniture. When he still wouldn't go away, she curled up miserably on her bed.

Gingerly, he sat down beside her. "Now, tell me what brought all of this on," he asked calmly. Really, she could vie with Voldemort for sheer, terrifying rage, he thought. Voldemort had trained him well to stay calm and hold his ground in the face of volcanic rage. She hid her face in her up-drawn knees. "You're being childish," he said quietly. Bad move.

"I am fucking not, arsehole!" She exploded again. "Didn't I tell you to go away?"

He decided to take a different tack. "I know you're angry. Can't you tell me why?" He said deliberately neutrally.

"What the fuck do you care?" She demanded fiercely.

His body stiffened. He wanted to tell her not to use that word but he wisely bit his tongue. "I'm your guardian. It's my responsibility to care," he said with barely controlled patience. Another bad move.

"Take your fucking responsibility and shove it up your arse!" She snarled. He compressed his lips and back tracked.

"I do care, Hermione." He said evenly and wondered if it was true.

"You do fucking not! Don't lie to me! I'm not stupid. Now, just go! Please. Leave me alone," she said bitterly. Suddenly her eyes filled and over-flowed.

"No, I'm not going while you're in a state like this." He replied with false calm. He held his breath. The look in her eyes was like a blow to the gut all of a sudden. The misery and the searing vulnerability took his breath away. He'd never seen her vulnerable or weak or not in control. She'd always met his challenges in the classroom with defiance, she'd taken his sneers with an equal measure of contempt and his cruelty with the indifference of someone who cared nothing for him. It had hurt his pride and made him hate her. He couldn't break her but she was broken now - by life and cruel fate.

"Won't you tell me what's wrong?" he almost whispered.

She couldn't, she was crying too hard. She reached out a hand and grabbed some tissues. The bed was littered with them by the time she'd cried herself out. A different person would have put their arms around her but Snape didn't dare. She wouldn't want him touching her, no-one wanted him to touch them. He found he couldn't bear to risk the rejection.

"Some" ::sniff:: "great" ::sniff:: "guardian" ::choke:: "you are", she said finally.

"Why?" he asked, his mouth twisting and feeling rather offended.

"You're not much use, are you?" She blew her nose (again).

"In what way?" he inquired coldly, rather annoyed.

"Well, you're not very comforting," she sniveled.

"Sorry. I don't have any practise," he apologized snappily.

"I suppose Death Eaters are used to killing people not comforting the grieving relatives," she said smartly, stung into attack by his surliness.

He sucked in his breath. "Damn Potter!" he cursed viciously.

"What?" She demanded, confused.

"How dare he discuss my past with everyone," Snape snarled. He got up from the bed to pace. Suddenly it hurt that she knew. He wanted to hide somewhere and protect himself, particularly from her.

Hermione shrugged. "Harry only told Ron and me."

"That's quite enough," Snape said broodingly.

"We won't tell anyone. We haven't told anyone," she pointed out.

Snape looked at her again. She still looked pathetic. A swollen, red nose did not add to her attractions, he mused. He sat on the bed again. "What can I do to comfort you?" He asked sounding stilted, surprising both himself and her.

She shrugged. "I don't know. My parents were hopeless at it too. In fact, you're better at it than they were," she observed, still sniffing.

"What did they do when you were crying?" He asked, trying to sound gentle and hoping for a hint.

"They walked off and ignored me," she said directly and without self-pity.

That news was like a slap on the face to Snape. It sounded like his parents. He frowned. "What did Harry or Ron do?" he tried again, still frowning.

"They hardly ever saw me cry. When they did, they hugged me," Hermione stated rather baldly.

Snape froze. "Do. do you want me. to. to. er. hug you?" He finally managed to say.

She glared at him. "Well, what do you think?" She snapped. I can do this, Snape told himself and took a deep breath. I can hug like a Gryffindor if I try really hard. Gingerly he put one arm around her and held her nearly a full arm's length away. "So, what? Do I smell?" she asked sharply, glaring at him out of red-rimmed eyes.

"Er. no." Snape said and carefully pulled her slightly closer.

She sighed heavily. "If that's the best you can do, you can just leave!"

He got aggravated. He was trying for goodness sake! "Well, you show me how and then I will," he said, sounding cranky. Bad move - just another in a long list that evening. She put both her arms around his slim middle and snuggled against him. He held his breath. He was simply unused to so much body contact. She sighed and pulled away. "Did I do something wrong?" He asked anxiously.

"What? You mean apart from turn into a piece of granite?" She said sarcastically. She pulled her knees up to her chest again.

"I'm sorry. I'm just not used to." he stumbled awkwardly, feeling a bit desperate and resenting it at the same time.

"Just go away, okay? My parents are dead. I don't need them resurrected in my guardian," she said bitterly.

He looked at her carefully, his dark, deep-set eyes narrowed. "What do you mean?" he said quietly.

"I mean, I have enough rejection issues from them. I don't need them to be reinforced by you!" She said, concise in her anger.

"I'm not rejecting you, Hermione. It's just. It's just." How the hell did he explain, he wondered? She gave him a jaded look underpinned by a vulnerability that made him ache. Suddenly, something in him snapped. She'd yelled at him, sworn at him, launched missiles at him, broken his heart, railed at him, pronounced him a failure, thrown his past in his face and now this accusation. "Do you want to know why I can't hug you, Hermione?" He asked in a dangerous voice. She just gave him a look and didn't reply. "Stand up," he commanded in his school teacher voice. She sneered. "Stand up!" he hissed furiously and pulled her to her feet by one arm.

They were standing millimeters apart. They could feel the warmth from each other's bodies. She looked up at him defiantly, eyes glittering. He looked down at her like a bird of prey ready to swoop, his eyes hooded. "Do you want a hug?" He whispered cruelly and his long arms snaked around her slender form, pressing her hard against him. He heard her gasp when she felt his erection pressing into the soft flesh of her belly. He bent down and whispered in her ear, "I am your guardian, Hermione but I am also a man."

The soft silk of her hair against his face was driving him mad. Then the unbelievable happened. She pressed herself against him, her curves melting into the hardness of his flesh and wound her arms around his neck. "Is that it?" She whispered back. She pushed her fingers into the silky black hair at the nape of his neck. He couldn't believe how quickly she changed gears.

He lost his head completely in the sheer surprise and deliciousness of the moment. His lips found hers', tentatively at first until he got Hermione's immediate response. It wasn't long before his tongue was teasing her lips to get into her mouth. She made a sound of pure pleasure as she opened her mouth to his kiss.

A cold chill suddenly crept up his spine. This was his ward! He was kissing his ward! Dumbledore would be furious and rightly so. "Hermione, this is wrong," he said urgently against her mouth.

"No, it isn't." She said, nipping at his bottom lip.

He made himself push her away, hating the cold air that suddenly came between them. "I can't!" He said harshly, his face white. "I'm your guardian, for goodness sake!" He risked a look at her face. She was staring at him stonily. It would be so easy, he thought, just to pull her into my arms again and kiss away that look.

"I can't!" He repeated. "I can't kiss you and I can't hug you. I shouldn't touch you in any way," he said desperately, then almost ran from her room.

Hermione watched him go with narrowed eyes and kicked a piece of furniture in frustration.