Chapter 3: O.K., this is it, they're gonna
die!
Okay! Boys and girls, I overcame my writer's block, so new chapter now! Disclaimer: I
do not own kingdom Hearts.
" So Kairi's home is out there somewhere, right?" said Sora, in a rare moment of
game dialogue. "Could be. We'll never know by staying here." (I like that line, but I
don't know why.) "But how far would a raft take us?" "Who knows? If we have to, we'll
think of something else." " So suppose you do get to another world. What do you do
there?" " Well, I haven't really WARNING! RETURNING TO PARODY! "Damnit!"
yelled Riku, who had gone from "supacool evil love machine" to " the author's geeky,
stupid, uncoordinated bitch" as soon as that warning came up. (Poor, poor, Riku.) "Wait
a second. Other planets?" Sora queried. "It's a RAFT, for Christ's sake, not a spaceship."
"What's wrong with you retards?" " Well, uh, you know, black holes and ocean
wormhole, and you know, other dimensions, and raft other planets. Riku fumblingly
explained." "Listen Sora, some times it's best to just stand there and look pretty," said
Kairi. "Yeah, you'd know all about that, wouldn't you?" he said bitterly. "What's THAT
mean?" "Relax, Kairi, all I'm saying is that you're nothing more than the chick who gets
in my way." "Sora, you are such a dick! I'm glad you end up with a remedial dog and an
anthropomorphic duck who doesn't wear pants!" "Goofy is very intelligent for his
species!" " And I'm glad your lifeless body gets raped by Riku when your heart is stolen!"
"You ruined my speech about other worlds!" yelled Riku, getting into the argument.
"Fuck off Riku!" yelled everyone (even Riku) " Screw You!" was Riku's reply, as he
chucked a star shaped fruit at sora's head that was tough as a rock and 2 times as heavy
(the fruit, not Sora's head.)
THE NEXT DAY.
And so the three friends awoke, and thanks to author brand amnesia dust, forgot all the
horrible things they said to each other (except for Sora, who forgot the incident because
an aforementioned fruit knocked him out.) " Hi Sora! Said Riku brightly. "We're naming
the raft highwind, you bitch! (Alright, there's still SOME anger.) "Like hell we are!"
"Alright, the usual?" "Yeah, let's fight!" yelled Sora eagerly. "N-no, I was talking about
racing." Riku stammered, shielding his face. "Oh," was sora's sad, sad reply. (He likes
violence a wee too much, eh?) " And so "THE GRAND RAFTY NAMEY RACE DEAL
THING SORTA KINDA" had begun! Sora took the lead, as riku was busy crouching.
Sora jumped on that one falling platform, but Riku missed and fell. (Poor, Poor, Poor,
Poor Riku.) And of course, Sora won. Riku let loose a long sigh and pathetically said, " I
fell in the mud." And verily did our heroes laugh at Riku, who if you haven't by now is
gonna be a pretty big loser in this fic. " Hahaha, okay, time to get down to business. "
This time we're getting food!" Kairi explained to Sora, which was odd, since they'd gone
over the plan months ago and Sora knew this. As is per usual, you and Riku will do the
actual work, and I'll make a freakin' lucky necklace. "Because you gave us all the"-
"DON'T START!" Yelled Kairi, before Sora could utter the blasphemous phrase and
start another Disney castle segment. "Right, anyway, you'll need tres mushrooms, tres
fish, dos coconuts, uno seagull egg, and uno can of drinking water. "Uh. Kairi, why are
you slipping into Spanish? " Well, Wakka gets an accent, why can't I?" "Well, for one
thing, YOU'RE NOT SPANISH!" " Just get the food pansy!" and lo, Sora went on the
quest for food. To the fish! (I got ya! * Jaws Theme * Aww!! MY LEG!!) The seagull
egg! (I wasn't gonna hurt em', I was just gonna eat em'! OW!) The drinking water!
(Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie are drowning him in the fountain, while Sora screams blats
blith blour blaccent!?(Translation: What's with your accent Wakka!? ( He passed out
before he said Wakka.) (Might I add this is a parenthesis, in a parenthesis, in a
parenthesis, in a parenthesis! That's like a record!) And the mushrooms (Hungry, Sora
took a nibble, and lets just say he took a little trip to "wonderland.") Collecting the rest of
the mushrooms for practical joke, he went into "the secret place." It was called that
because everyone on the island knew about it, and as such, it was littered with graffiti.
Here he found the mushroom, along with a very well drawn picture of his face, and a face
so crappily drawn it was supposed to be Kairi but looked more like Riku. Sora started
remembering when he made the drawing. as he recalled he was preoccupied with a
crudely drawn naked stick woman drawn by Wakka. When they were done, Kairi hated
the drawing so much; she kneed poor Sora in the groin and ran from the cave crying.
Angry at the rikuesque drawing, he "relieved" himself on it, and drew the Sora face
hitting the Riku face with that big, hard fruit. (His drawing skills hadn't improved.)
Suddenly, Sora heard a noise. He saw a mysterious cloaked man enter in through a plain
brown door. He spoke in an ominous voice " I've come to see the door to this world"
"tied to the darkness" Suddenly, he realized Sora was leaving. " Hey! Where are you
going!?" he yelled. Sora turned around and said " Well I gotta get this stuff back"- Sora
was about to continue, when the mysterious figure interrupted "but I'm a cloaked,
mysterious, ominous voiced, figure!" he whined. " Listen, buddy, I've dealt with you
types before, and the last time I did, it got me fighting little shadow bugs, a giant FREAK
monster, and I got swallowed up into a black hole!" And there is no way that will ever,
ever, EVER, happen again! (It's called foreshadowing.) "Fine! Screw you!" yelled the
ominous-voiced loser. And so, it was sundown again (they started out at morning, but
because Sora ate the mushroom, he was asleep for a few hours.) Riku had to wash the
mud off his face, so it was just Kairi and Sora (oddly enough, Sora didn't talk about the
cloaked dude, but his mind was a bit-preoccupied.)
"You know, Riku has changed." "You mean how he became a huge loser?" "Pretty
much, Sora, pretty much." " Hey let's take the raft and go- just the two of us!"
"SWEET!" Sora exclaimed, happy to be rid of that bastard. " I was only kidding, Sora."
"Yeah, of course, ha ha ha." Sora said mechanically. " You know, I was a little afraid at
first, but now I'm ready." "Oh baby" thought Sora. no matter where I go or what I see, I
know I can always come back here. "I'm about to come back here in a second!" "Right,
Sora? Sora?" "Oh, uh, yeah, sure." Sora said, roused from his arousing thoughts. " That's
good. Sora, don't ever change." "Yeah, uh-huh" (he was getting pretty desperate.) I just
can't wait to." " I CAN'T WAIT EITHER!" "Once we set sail, it'll be great." No, no, PLEASE DON'T END! NOOOOO!!!!! But the scene did end, and lo, did Sora weep that
day, like a little girl who lost her doll.
Meanwhile, back at the castle.
"blah blah blah, key, blah blah, stars, blah, traverse town, blah blah blah, Leon." " He
actually wrote "blah?" asked everyone in the room, as Donald read the note. "Yes." Said
Donald said blankly (he was still mad about being beaten by goofy) " What could this
mean?" "It means we'll just have to trust the king," said the Queen, while Donald commented on how she was the first "whipped wife", daisy smacked him one for saying
it, and Goofy made whipping noises for all. Don't worry your highness. We'll find the
key and have wacky adventures along the wacky way!" " Okay, but for story purposes,
he will accompany you." The Queen pointed to a little bug on a table. " Hi! I'm Jiminy
Cricket! As the living conscience of a wooden puppet, I promise I won't get you
swallowed whole by a giant whale!" "Well, I'm going now." "Oh wait, YOU'RE
COMING TOO YOU WHORE!" he yelled. (He didn't want to bring him along, but
Goofy didn't want to come, so Donald made him.) And so, the two went on their merry
way, scorching many peasant's houses along the way.
Back on the Destiny Islands (for the last time, Muahaha)
"I just can't wait. Once we set sail, it'll be great. " Damnit, Damnit, Damnit!" Sora
screamed going over the cut-scene. He sullenly looked out the window "A Storm! The
raft!" and he jumped out of the window to get it to safety " Sora! You lazy boy! GET
YOUR ASS DOWN HERE, YOU LITTLE BITCH!" " Riku's boat! And Kairi's! Wait a
second! If they had boats, why did we build a fucking raft!?" "I mean, come on! I- "Sora!
Get to the island so I can rant at ya! "Oh, yeah!" said Sora, hurrying to the island. "Okay,
I'm here." " Hold on a second. (He pulls out a notepad) The door has opened Sora!"
"Did you eat some of those mushrooms?" "Yes! Also, now we can go to the outside
world!" "That's why we built the raft, you idiot!" "Screw the raft!" "Screw you!" "Your
dumb!" "Your Mamma!" "Oh yeah!? Well prepare for a scene much like your drug-
induced dream! And of course, both were enveloped in inky black death, and Sora came
out! (Yaaaaay) with a new weapon (yaaaaaaaay) and the mysterious voice returned!
(Boooooo)
" Keyblade. it said, and then repeated, keyblade." "Hmm, what could this key-shaped
blade be?" he wondered, completely ignoring the voice. (Poor voice) and so, after some
serious thwacky time, Sora made it to the "secret place," which has much significance,
because I keep referring to it in quotations. Where he found and Kairi, who was all sad
and junk (Boooooo) then the EVIL DOOR OF DOOM opened, and blew Sora (ha ha.
Blew Sora.) on to the remainder of the island, where he fought Darkside (again)
thwacked him (again) won (again) And got sucked into a vortex of doom (again) with no
clear casualty in the battle (again)
Where will Sora go? What will happen? You already know the answer if you're reading
this fic! What's wrong with you? Also, on an interesting note, 20 min. of gameplay = 3
and a half pages in a Microsoft word document. Ha ha! I'm losing my sanity even as I
typ565634tydg
-I would like to initiate a group hug-Starfire
Okay! Boys and girls, I overcame my writer's block, so new chapter now! Disclaimer: I
do not own kingdom Hearts.
" So Kairi's home is out there somewhere, right?" said Sora, in a rare moment of
game dialogue. "Could be. We'll never know by staying here." (I like that line, but I
don't know why.) "But how far would a raft take us?" "Who knows? If we have to, we'll
think of something else." " So suppose you do get to another world. What do you do
there?" " Well, I haven't really WARNING! RETURNING TO PARODY! "Damnit!"
yelled Riku, who had gone from "supacool evil love machine" to " the author's geeky,
stupid, uncoordinated bitch" as soon as that warning came up. (Poor, poor, Riku.) "Wait
a second. Other planets?" Sora queried. "It's a RAFT, for Christ's sake, not a spaceship."
"What's wrong with you retards?" " Well, uh, you know, black holes and ocean
wormhole, and you know, other dimensions, and raft other planets. Riku fumblingly
explained." "Listen Sora, some times it's best to just stand there and look pretty," said
Kairi. "Yeah, you'd know all about that, wouldn't you?" he said bitterly. "What's THAT
mean?" "Relax, Kairi, all I'm saying is that you're nothing more than the chick who gets
in my way." "Sora, you are such a dick! I'm glad you end up with a remedial dog and an
anthropomorphic duck who doesn't wear pants!" "Goofy is very intelligent for his
species!" " And I'm glad your lifeless body gets raped by Riku when your heart is stolen!"
"You ruined my speech about other worlds!" yelled Riku, getting into the argument.
"Fuck off Riku!" yelled everyone (even Riku) " Screw You!" was Riku's reply, as he
chucked a star shaped fruit at sora's head that was tough as a rock and 2 times as heavy
(the fruit, not Sora's head.)
THE NEXT DAY.
And so the three friends awoke, and thanks to author brand amnesia dust, forgot all the
horrible things they said to each other (except for Sora, who forgot the incident because
an aforementioned fruit knocked him out.) " Hi Sora! Said Riku brightly. "We're naming
the raft highwind, you bitch! (Alright, there's still SOME anger.) "Like hell we are!"
"Alright, the usual?" "Yeah, let's fight!" yelled Sora eagerly. "N-no, I was talking about
racing." Riku stammered, shielding his face. "Oh," was sora's sad, sad reply. (He likes
violence a wee too much, eh?) " And so "THE GRAND RAFTY NAMEY RACE DEAL
THING SORTA KINDA" had begun! Sora took the lead, as riku was busy crouching.
Sora jumped on that one falling platform, but Riku missed and fell. (Poor, Poor, Poor,
Poor Riku.) And of course, Sora won. Riku let loose a long sigh and pathetically said, " I
fell in the mud." And verily did our heroes laugh at Riku, who if you haven't by now is
gonna be a pretty big loser in this fic. " Hahaha, okay, time to get down to business. "
This time we're getting food!" Kairi explained to Sora, which was odd, since they'd gone
over the plan months ago and Sora knew this. As is per usual, you and Riku will do the
actual work, and I'll make a freakin' lucky necklace. "Because you gave us all the"-
"DON'T START!" Yelled Kairi, before Sora could utter the blasphemous phrase and
start another Disney castle segment. "Right, anyway, you'll need tres mushrooms, tres
fish, dos coconuts, uno seagull egg, and uno can of drinking water. "Uh. Kairi, why are
you slipping into Spanish? " Well, Wakka gets an accent, why can't I?" "Well, for one
thing, YOU'RE NOT SPANISH!" " Just get the food pansy!" and lo, Sora went on the
quest for food. To the fish! (I got ya! * Jaws Theme * Aww!! MY LEG!!) The seagull
egg! (I wasn't gonna hurt em', I was just gonna eat em'! OW!) The drinking water!
(Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie are drowning him in the fountain, while Sora screams blats
blith blour blaccent!?(Translation: What's with your accent Wakka!? ( He passed out
before he said Wakka.) (Might I add this is a parenthesis, in a parenthesis, in a
parenthesis, in a parenthesis! That's like a record!) And the mushrooms (Hungry, Sora
took a nibble, and lets just say he took a little trip to "wonderland.") Collecting the rest of
the mushrooms for practical joke, he went into "the secret place." It was called that
because everyone on the island knew about it, and as such, it was littered with graffiti.
Here he found the mushroom, along with a very well drawn picture of his face, and a face
so crappily drawn it was supposed to be Kairi but looked more like Riku. Sora started
remembering when he made the drawing. as he recalled he was preoccupied with a
crudely drawn naked stick woman drawn by Wakka. When they were done, Kairi hated
the drawing so much; she kneed poor Sora in the groin and ran from the cave crying.
Angry at the rikuesque drawing, he "relieved" himself on it, and drew the Sora face
hitting the Riku face with that big, hard fruit. (His drawing skills hadn't improved.)
Suddenly, Sora heard a noise. He saw a mysterious cloaked man enter in through a plain
brown door. He spoke in an ominous voice " I've come to see the door to this world"
"tied to the darkness" Suddenly, he realized Sora was leaving. " Hey! Where are you
going!?" he yelled. Sora turned around and said " Well I gotta get this stuff back"- Sora
was about to continue, when the mysterious figure interrupted "but I'm a cloaked,
mysterious, ominous voiced, figure!" he whined. " Listen, buddy, I've dealt with you
types before, and the last time I did, it got me fighting little shadow bugs, a giant FREAK
monster, and I got swallowed up into a black hole!" And there is no way that will ever,
ever, EVER, happen again! (It's called foreshadowing.) "Fine! Screw you!" yelled the
ominous-voiced loser. And so, it was sundown again (they started out at morning, but
because Sora ate the mushroom, he was asleep for a few hours.) Riku had to wash the
mud off his face, so it was just Kairi and Sora (oddly enough, Sora didn't talk about the
cloaked dude, but his mind was a bit-preoccupied.)
"You know, Riku has changed." "You mean how he became a huge loser?" "Pretty
much, Sora, pretty much." " Hey let's take the raft and go- just the two of us!"
"SWEET!" Sora exclaimed, happy to be rid of that bastard. " I was only kidding, Sora."
"Yeah, of course, ha ha ha." Sora said mechanically. " You know, I was a little afraid at
first, but now I'm ready." "Oh baby" thought Sora. no matter where I go or what I see, I
know I can always come back here. "I'm about to come back here in a second!" "Right,
Sora? Sora?" "Oh, uh, yeah, sure." Sora said, roused from his arousing thoughts. " That's
good. Sora, don't ever change." "Yeah, uh-huh" (he was getting pretty desperate.) I just
can't wait to." " I CAN'T WAIT EITHER!" "Once we set sail, it'll be great." No, no, PLEASE DON'T END! NOOOOO!!!!! But the scene did end, and lo, did Sora weep that
day, like a little girl who lost her doll.
Meanwhile, back at the castle.
"blah blah blah, key, blah blah, stars, blah, traverse town, blah blah blah, Leon." " He
actually wrote "blah?" asked everyone in the room, as Donald read the note. "Yes." Said
Donald said blankly (he was still mad about being beaten by goofy) " What could this
mean?" "It means we'll just have to trust the king," said the Queen, while Donald commented on how she was the first "whipped wife", daisy smacked him one for saying
it, and Goofy made whipping noises for all. Don't worry your highness. We'll find the
key and have wacky adventures along the wacky way!" " Okay, but for story purposes,
he will accompany you." The Queen pointed to a little bug on a table. " Hi! I'm Jiminy
Cricket! As the living conscience of a wooden puppet, I promise I won't get you
swallowed whole by a giant whale!" "Well, I'm going now." "Oh wait, YOU'RE
COMING TOO YOU WHORE!" he yelled. (He didn't want to bring him along, but
Goofy didn't want to come, so Donald made him.) And so, the two went on their merry
way, scorching many peasant's houses along the way.
Back on the Destiny Islands (for the last time, Muahaha)
"I just can't wait. Once we set sail, it'll be great. " Damnit, Damnit, Damnit!" Sora
screamed going over the cut-scene. He sullenly looked out the window "A Storm! The
raft!" and he jumped out of the window to get it to safety " Sora! You lazy boy! GET
YOUR ASS DOWN HERE, YOU LITTLE BITCH!" " Riku's boat! And Kairi's! Wait a
second! If they had boats, why did we build a fucking raft!?" "I mean, come on! I- "Sora!
Get to the island so I can rant at ya! "Oh, yeah!" said Sora, hurrying to the island. "Okay,
I'm here." " Hold on a second. (He pulls out a notepad) The door has opened Sora!"
"Did you eat some of those mushrooms?" "Yes! Also, now we can go to the outside
world!" "That's why we built the raft, you idiot!" "Screw the raft!" "Screw you!" "Your
dumb!" "Your Mamma!" "Oh yeah!? Well prepare for a scene much like your drug-
induced dream! And of course, both were enveloped in inky black death, and Sora came
out! (Yaaaaay) with a new weapon (yaaaaaaaay) and the mysterious voice returned!
(Boooooo)
" Keyblade. it said, and then repeated, keyblade." "Hmm, what could this key-shaped
blade be?" he wondered, completely ignoring the voice. (Poor voice) and so, after some
serious thwacky time, Sora made it to the "secret place," which has much significance,
because I keep referring to it in quotations. Where he found and Kairi, who was all sad
and junk (Boooooo) then the EVIL DOOR OF DOOM opened, and blew Sora (ha ha.
Blew Sora.) on to the remainder of the island, where he fought Darkside (again)
thwacked him (again) won (again) And got sucked into a vortex of doom (again) with no
clear casualty in the battle (again)
Where will Sora go? What will happen? You already know the answer if you're reading
this fic! What's wrong with you? Also, on an interesting note, 20 min. of gameplay = 3
and a half pages in a Microsoft word document. Ha ha! I'm losing my sanity even as I
typ565634tydg
-I would like to initiate a group hug-Starfire
