Chapter 7: Wait, I thought this place is
Africa, and Jane and Clayton are from Britain, so. dude?
After deciding to NEVER, EVER, return to the Olympus Coliseum! Seum! Eum!
Our brave, fairly stupid, rather violent heroes hauled ass in their new Gummi ship (It
changed that one time during the last chapter. You didn't see it because a big ad blocked
your vision. I can't describe it anymore, but trust me, it's cool.) To the closest planet,
because the script called for it, and quite frankly, they lack any navigational system.
What they came across was a lush, tropical jungle. Sora felt a strong attraction to places
lush and/or tropical, so he could bitch about living there. (It had been a while.) But
wouldn't you know it, now one of the others had to have that "common sense thing." (It's
going around. I must kill them before they infect the others.) "Hey, maybe the king's
down there Donald." "No he's not." (Forget that common sense thing.) "What about my
friends, Riku and Kairi?" "Screw them!" "I'd bet you'd like to, you horny little freak!"
"Oh that is it! Goofy, take the wheel!" "You. you, WOULDN'T!" But alas, it was too
late, and goofy crashed the ship. (They survived, but it cost them their gummi ship's
newfound coolness.)
"Uh, did I make it?" Sora realized that he did indeed make it, and what's more it
was lush! Also, tropical! "Finally! Bitch, bitch, bitch! It sure does suck living on a lush,
tropical jungle! Wa! Wa! I"- the therapeutic whining was suddenly interrupted, as a
panther (or leopard, or whatever the hell that thing is.) leapt down on him, to feast on
sweet, chosen keybearer flesh. Sadly, the damn thing got beaten. SEVERELY. Come
now, folks, it's just a leopard. How can it be stronger than a round body? Much less come
back several times! If the Keyblade were THAT great, it would take 2 good whacks to
take down a reasonably tough animal. And by take down, I mean KILL. NOT make it go
away, only to come back three more times. And kill Sora did. While Sora was reveling in
his bloody murder (how can it be a blade if it doesn't slash and draw blood? One word:
DISNEY!) A longhaired, tall man with a spear and a loincloth (heh, loin) ran up to him.
"Me Tarzan. Me supposed to drive away Sabor. (the leopard, for anyone who didn't
watch the movie or play the game, and if you haven't done at least one of these, I suggest
you get the hell out of my fic, before I get ma' gun.) Why you ruin Tarzan heroic
entrance?" "I didn't know you existed." "That no excuse. Sabor, danger." "No dude, he's
a huge pussy." (Get it? Pussy? Like a cat? Pussycat? And it's a leopard? Aw, shut up.)
"Also, I'm looking for my friends, Riku and Kairi." "What about other two?" "Well,
Riku and Kairi's name instead of theirs signifies I don't care about them. But don't
worry, because at the end, we learn the value of friendship." "So, in other words, writers
of game struggled to give world plot?" "Exactly." "Oh, by way, Oh-oh-ah-ah. Friends.
Friends Oh-oh-ah-ah." While the retarded longhair spouted off nonsense words that tied
in with the "heart" theme of the game, Sora amused himself with a hallucination (if he's
using it to amuse himself, shouldn't it be a daydream?) of Kairi, performing "Exotic
dance" (I'm not gonna say what it is. What it REALLY is) but the vision ended as soon
as Tarzan said he knew the whereabouts of Sora's friends. "Sweet! Show me!" and with
that, Tarzan jumped out into a tree canopy, as did Sora, who sustained a surprisingly low
amount of horribly painful injuries. (It was a long jump!)
"Gawrsh! Where are we! I sure hope Sora's okay." "We don't need him! We can
find the king without him." "But won't he be mad we don't have the keybearer?" ".
AUUUTHOR! Goofy's using common sense!" "GOOOOFY!" "Sorry." "Hey, Goofy,
look at this! A gummi block!" exclaimed Donald, holding up a gummi block left by a
gorilla. (How it got one is beyond me.)
Meanwhile, in Jane's tent.
Sora had just recently got to the campsite, by somehow sliding on a mossy tree
branch (How is that possible? Something in the moss?) "Jane!" "Tarzan!" "Hi!" "Hi!"
"Stop communicating in single words!" "Oh, I'm sorry, I figured you were a retard too."
"But I have such fancy, ridiculous clothes!" "Hey, look what I done found!" said a man
just entering the tent, interrupting this stimulating conversation. It was Donald and
Goofy. "Can I shoot at em?" "Mr. Clayton, no! Blah, blah, blah, tree- hugging hippy,
blah, blah!" "He he. Boobies." Thought Tarzan. (What? He's raised by gorillas! His only
interest in women should be primal. Also, in case you were wondering, Clayton is a
redneck, because if you take away his British accent, that's all he is.) Hoping to end her
eco-whining, Sora asked, "What's the deal with Tarzan?" "He was raised by Gorillas in
the jungle," she said, her obvious love of the retarded ape-man showing. "Hehe.
Boobies." Tarzan said, out loud this time. "Oh Tarzan, you're so great." "Well, I've
decided to stay here, because Goofy and me found a gummi block." "Uh, Donald, I hate
to disappoint you, but this is a gorilla shit." (That explains it!) "Aw, dude! Well, we're
still staying here, for continuity purposes." "Well, let's get this plot moving, cause quite
frankly, its 4:00 A.M." "Then in that case, them friends o' yours is with those gorillas,
sonny." "If we must do this quick, me just agree, simplify things." And so, our heroes
(and possibly a smelly dude with a spear.) went off to swing about on many annoying
vines, which are in the opposite direction of the nesting grounds. (So why was Kerchak
over there?) "Kerchak, please listen to me. I know the nesting grounds are secret, but I
trust them, because, well, they need us." "Ohh, I trust them because they need us. Blah
blah blah. Well to bad SUCKA!" "Dude, why are you such a dick?" "Because, I'm the
gruff father figure who is mistrustful due to his need to protect the tribe!" "You're
gorillas, you don't HAVE a "tribe," you have a pack or something!" "Well they still can't
come till they save our world from the horrible evil! Because I'm too big of a wimp to do
it myself!" (Gorillas are strong. Give em some pointy sticks and rocks and they could
probably beat the Heartless on their own, especially if a leopard can survive three brutal
beat downs with an ancient, magical blade of awesome power.) "Did you get that?" "Yes,
Goofy, I suddenly gained the ability to talk to gorillas." "Really?" "NO!" "Well, let's go
to the tree house you two! "Why?" "Well, you guys were supposed to be suggesting
going up they're in your minds, but you were busy arguing like the idiots you so are.
Donald and Goofy looked at each other, and shoved Sora of the cliff.
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!" he screamed. And continued on screaming for almost.
3 hours later.
"Landed on a hippo, nearly broke my spine, and got arrested for abusing hippos. As if I
was the one abusing THEM! You guys suck!" And verily did Sora and co. go to the tree
house, albeit with a lot of childish name-calling. "Well you're just a big dumb. dumb
guy!" "Oooh! That's a good one!" "YEAH! Well you're just a-rotted gorilla corpse!"
"That was pretty good." "No! A real gorilla corpse!" (What? Sora fell down for 3 hours!
Do you expect Clayton to just wait?) As it turned out, they missed one eighth of the
remaining plot! And it's NOT just a clever ruse to shorten this chapter! No sir! And so
after catching up it was time to. CRITIQUE THE PLOT! "Well, okay, I like Clayton
shooting Terk. It signified his turning to evilness. Thumbs up!" "Well, Donald, I think it
would have been better if we had actually saved her. Thumbs down." "And frankly, we
already knew he was evil. The scene was almost purposeless. Thumbs down." "Jane
chewing out Clayton. Boring scene. Dumb. No purpose. Thumbs down." "You're just
saying that because you only see value in women's looks. Thumbs up." "The only thing I
enjoy about this scene is Clayton saying "imbeciles" and that's lost now that he's a
redneck. Thumbs down." "And as for this segment, THUMBS DOWN!" they yelled in
unison. (Ungrateful bastards.) Now that the catching up was done and all was right with
the world (not this world. Another world. Duh.) It was time for heroic thwacky time,
which means they saved somebody, and got more gorillas "Gummi blocks." And so, the
saviors of the universe were too busy collecting gorilla turds to stop the kidnapping.
(Of Jane.) (By the heartless) (And apparently a big black fruit.) But it was obvious they
had to ignore it, because otherwise they couldn't go on those damned vines. "Hey guys!
That big black fruit looks suspicious!" "Honestly, Sora! We didn't know you were
racist!" "No! Not that guy!" Said Sora, referring to a large, stereotypical looking gay man
named Steve. " I'm not gay!" (It's true, but no one believes him. Poor Steve. But then
again, it's partly his fault for wearing a scarf.) "The actual, large black fruit!"
"Oh, of course." "And they bashed the fruit good. A collective gasp fills the room.
People begin chattering in whispers. People look at me with shock and awe! For I used a
new word! Bashed instead of thwacked! What a concept! L33T! I am 4W350M3! I
apologize. I will never talk like that again. (If I do, I must take my own life, and then how
will this fic get finished? It won't.) With the fruit destroyed (and Steve having
mysteriously disappeared forever.) Jane and Terk were freed. But wait, you say. Terk is
dead, isn't she? Yes. But Clayton is one sick bastard. "You realize this can only mean
one things." Jane asked. "A climactic boss fight?" answered Sora. "Yeah." "YES!" after
more sliding or damned vines or whatever, Sora reached the cliff. He was sorely
disappointed. All he got was a boss fight with Clayton. CLAYTON, for Christ's sake! A
human! yet somehow, it actually took a while. But of course Sora won. He whacked (the
streak continues!) Clayton out of. yeah, somehow, he survived, but there's nothing I
could say about it that I didn't about Sabor, only more so. Also, before (or possibly after
this) Tarzan whined about how "it not Clayton," and more idiot-speak. "So, after
SMACKY time (I'm a creative genius!) It was time to end this hellish chapter in their
wacky quest. The top gorilla.dude showed his amazing appreciation for this heroic deed
by. smashing him against the cliff. (he meant for it to kill) the three once again
managed to sustain minor injuries. (they got knocked around by heartless a lot, but it
should still hurt.) They went through that friggin' underwater cavern place (hate that
place.) and found, to their amazement. a damned tree. All that, for a tree. FUDGE. To
relieve his horrible anger, he stabbed some innocent butterflys, and of course, ended up
doing something heroic. Out popped a funky (funky fresh AND phat.) gummi block. It's
SO funky, it's not even a block! Or the kings! (BOOOO!) so now, it's time for
some long spiel to make this world have a semi-point. "Clayton, Ooh-Ooh- ah." 'Oh, of
course, Ooh-Ooh-ah-ah must mean heart." "No, Tarzan thought. it mean "Crazy idiot."
"Crazy idiot! Your friends there!" said Tarzan. "Oh Tarzan! You're ridiculous!" (it turns
out poor old Tarz was right, because Selphie, Wakka and Tidus were behind the tree. (As
for why he said he knew where Riku and Kairi were, well, he didn't KNOW their names,
and he doesn't know many English names, much less Japanese ones.) but the jerks had
already left. "well that was fun, but now we have to get talked to by crazy bearded guys."
"To Traverse Town?" "Yes! But first. Sora grinned evilly. Open fire on Deep Jungle.
"MUAHAHAH!" (tell me you never tried to laser blast a world before.) as the planet
exploded, you could hear 3 tiny, screaming voices, one with a prominent, unspecified
accent.
Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Quasimodo, Punk'd, or Disney.
Yes! I am back on top! This one went well. (or so I think.) -if carrots are good for your eyes, can they dial a phone?- Ed
Africa, and Jane and Clayton are from Britain, so. dude?
After deciding to NEVER, EVER, return to the Olympus Coliseum! Seum! Eum!
Our brave, fairly stupid, rather violent heroes hauled ass in their new Gummi ship (It
changed that one time during the last chapter. You didn't see it because a big ad blocked
your vision. I can't describe it anymore, but trust me, it's cool.) To the closest planet,
because the script called for it, and quite frankly, they lack any navigational system.
What they came across was a lush, tropical jungle. Sora felt a strong attraction to places
lush and/or tropical, so he could bitch about living there. (It had been a while.) But
wouldn't you know it, now one of the others had to have that "common sense thing." (It's
going around. I must kill them before they infect the others.) "Hey, maybe the king's
down there Donald." "No he's not." (Forget that common sense thing.) "What about my
friends, Riku and Kairi?" "Screw them!" "I'd bet you'd like to, you horny little freak!"
"Oh that is it! Goofy, take the wheel!" "You. you, WOULDN'T!" But alas, it was too
late, and goofy crashed the ship. (They survived, but it cost them their gummi ship's
newfound coolness.)
"Uh, did I make it?" Sora realized that he did indeed make it, and what's more it
was lush! Also, tropical! "Finally! Bitch, bitch, bitch! It sure does suck living on a lush,
tropical jungle! Wa! Wa! I"- the therapeutic whining was suddenly interrupted, as a
panther (or leopard, or whatever the hell that thing is.) leapt down on him, to feast on
sweet, chosen keybearer flesh. Sadly, the damn thing got beaten. SEVERELY. Come
now, folks, it's just a leopard. How can it be stronger than a round body? Much less come
back several times! If the Keyblade were THAT great, it would take 2 good whacks to
take down a reasonably tough animal. And by take down, I mean KILL. NOT make it go
away, only to come back three more times. And kill Sora did. While Sora was reveling in
his bloody murder (how can it be a blade if it doesn't slash and draw blood? One word:
DISNEY!) A longhaired, tall man with a spear and a loincloth (heh, loin) ran up to him.
"Me Tarzan. Me supposed to drive away Sabor. (the leopard, for anyone who didn't
watch the movie or play the game, and if you haven't done at least one of these, I suggest
you get the hell out of my fic, before I get ma' gun.) Why you ruin Tarzan heroic
entrance?" "I didn't know you existed." "That no excuse. Sabor, danger." "No dude, he's
a huge pussy." (Get it? Pussy? Like a cat? Pussycat? And it's a leopard? Aw, shut up.)
"Also, I'm looking for my friends, Riku and Kairi." "What about other two?" "Well,
Riku and Kairi's name instead of theirs signifies I don't care about them. But don't
worry, because at the end, we learn the value of friendship." "So, in other words, writers
of game struggled to give world plot?" "Exactly." "Oh, by way, Oh-oh-ah-ah. Friends.
Friends Oh-oh-ah-ah." While the retarded longhair spouted off nonsense words that tied
in with the "heart" theme of the game, Sora amused himself with a hallucination (if he's
using it to amuse himself, shouldn't it be a daydream?) of Kairi, performing "Exotic
dance" (I'm not gonna say what it is. What it REALLY is) but the vision ended as soon
as Tarzan said he knew the whereabouts of Sora's friends. "Sweet! Show me!" and with
that, Tarzan jumped out into a tree canopy, as did Sora, who sustained a surprisingly low
amount of horribly painful injuries. (It was a long jump!)
"Gawrsh! Where are we! I sure hope Sora's okay." "We don't need him! We can
find the king without him." "But won't he be mad we don't have the keybearer?" ".
AUUUTHOR! Goofy's using common sense!" "GOOOOFY!" "Sorry." "Hey, Goofy,
look at this! A gummi block!" exclaimed Donald, holding up a gummi block left by a
gorilla. (How it got one is beyond me.)
Meanwhile, in Jane's tent.
Sora had just recently got to the campsite, by somehow sliding on a mossy tree
branch (How is that possible? Something in the moss?) "Jane!" "Tarzan!" "Hi!" "Hi!"
"Stop communicating in single words!" "Oh, I'm sorry, I figured you were a retard too."
"But I have such fancy, ridiculous clothes!" "Hey, look what I done found!" said a man
just entering the tent, interrupting this stimulating conversation. It was Donald and
Goofy. "Can I shoot at em?" "Mr. Clayton, no! Blah, blah, blah, tree- hugging hippy,
blah, blah!" "He he. Boobies." Thought Tarzan. (What? He's raised by gorillas! His only
interest in women should be primal. Also, in case you were wondering, Clayton is a
redneck, because if you take away his British accent, that's all he is.) Hoping to end her
eco-whining, Sora asked, "What's the deal with Tarzan?" "He was raised by Gorillas in
the jungle," she said, her obvious love of the retarded ape-man showing. "Hehe.
Boobies." Tarzan said, out loud this time. "Oh Tarzan, you're so great." "Well, I've
decided to stay here, because Goofy and me found a gummi block." "Uh, Donald, I hate
to disappoint you, but this is a gorilla shit." (That explains it!) "Aw, dude! Well, we're
still staying here, for continuity purposes." "Well, let's get this plot moving, cause quite
frankly, its 4:00 A.M." "Then in that case, them friends o' yours is with those gorillas,
sonny." "If we must do this quick, me just agree, simplify things." And so, our heroes
(and possibly a smelly dude with a spear.) went off to swing about on many annoying
vines, which are in the opposite direction of the nesting grounds. (So why was Kerchak
over there?) "Kerchak, please listen to me. I know the nesting grounds are secret, but I
trust them, because, well, they need us." "Ohh, I trust them because they need us. Blah
blah blah. Well to bad SUCKA!" "Dude, why are you such a dick?" "Because, I'm the
gruff father figure who is mistrustful due to his need to protect the tribe!" "You're
gorillas, you don't HAVE a "tribe," you have a pack or something!" "Well they still can't
come till they save our world from the horrible evil! Because I'm too big of a wimp to do
it myself!" (Gorillas are strong. Give em some pointy sticks and rocks and they could
probably beat the Heartless on their own, especially if a leopard can survive three brutal
beat downs with an ancient, magical blade of awesome power.) "Did you get that?" "Yes,
Goofy, I suddenly gained the ability to talk to gorillas." "Really?" "NO!" "Well, let's go
to the tree house you two! "Why?" "Well, you guys were supposed to be suggesting
going up they're in your minds, but you were busy arguing like the idiots you so are.
Donald and Goofy looked at each other, and shoved Sora of the cliff.
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!" he screamed. And continued on screaming for almost.
3 hours later.
"Landed on a hippo, nearly broke my spine, and got arrested for abusing hippos. As if I
was the one abusing THEM! You guys suck!" And verily did Sora and co. go to the tree
house, albeit with a lot of childish name-calling. "Well you're just a big dumb. dumb
guy!" "Oooh! That's a good one!" "YEAH! Well you're just a-rotted gorilla corpse!"
"That was pretty good." "No! A real gorilla corpse!" (What? Sora fell down for 3 hours!
Do you expect Clayton to just wait?) As it turned out, they missed one eighth of the
remaining plot! And it's NOT just a clever ruse to shorten this chapter! No sir! And so
after catching up it was time to. CRITIQUE THE PLOT! "Well, okay, I like Clayton
shooting Terk. It signified his turning to evilness. Thumbs up!" "Well, Donald, I think it
would have been better if we had actually saved her. Thumbs down." "And frankly, we
already knew he was evil. The scene was almost purposeless. Thumbs down." "Jane
chewing out Clayton. Boring scene. Dumb. No purpose. Thumbs down." "You're just
saying that because you only see value in women's looks. Thumbs up." "The only thing I
enjoy about this scene is Clayton saying "imbeciles" and that's lost now that he's a
redneck. Thumbs down." "And as for this segment, THUMBS DOWN!" they yelled in
unison. (Ungrateful bastards.) Now that the catching up was done and all was right with
the world (not this world. Another world. Duh.) It was time for heroic thwacky time,
which means they saved somebody, and got more gorillas "Gummi blocks." And so, the
saviors of the universe were too busy collecting gorilla turds to stop the kidnapping.
(Of Jane.) (By the heartless) (And apparently a big black fruit.) But it was obvious they
had to ignore it, because otherwise they couldn't go on those damned vines. "Hey guys!
That big black fruit looks suspicious!" "Honestly, Sora! We didn't know you were
racist!" "No! Not that guy!" Said Sora, referring to a large, stereotypical looking gay man
named Steve. " I'm not gay!" (It's true, but no one believes him. Poor Steve. But then
again, it's partly his fault for wearing a scarf.) "The actual, large black fruit!"
"Oh, of course." "And they bashed the fruit good. A collective gasp fills the room.
People begin chattering in whispers. People look at me with shock and awe! For I used a
new word! Bashed instead of thwacked! What a concept! L33T! I am 4W350M3! I
apologize. I will never talk like that again. (If I do, I must take my own life, and then how
will this fic get finished? It won't.) With the fruit destroyed (and Steve having
mysteriously disappeared forever.) Jane and Terk were freed. But wait, you say. Terk is
dead, isn't she? Yes. But Clayton is one sick bastard. "You realize this can only mean
one things." Jane asked. "A climactic boss fight?" answered Sora. "Yeah." "YES!" after
more sliding or damned vines or whatever, Sora reached the cliff. He was sorely
disappointed. All he got was a boss fight with Clayton. CLAYTON, for Christ's sake! A
human! yet somehow, it actually took a while. But of course Sora won. He whacked (the
streak continues!) Clayton out of. yeah, somehow, he survived, but there's nothing I
could say about it that I didn't about Sabor, only more so. Also, before (or possibly after
this) Tarzan whined about how "it not Clayton," and more idiot-speak. "So, after
SMACKY time (I'm a creative genius!) It was time to end this hellish chapter in their
wacky quest. The top gorilla.dude showed his amazing appreciation for this heroic deed
by. smashing him against the cliff. (he meant for it to kill) the three once again
managed to sustain minor injuries. (they got knocked around by heartless a lot, but it
should still hurt.) They went through that friggin' underwater cavern place (hate that
place.) and found, to their amazement. a damned tree. All that, for a tree. FUDGE. To
relieve his horrible anger, he stabbed some innocent butterflys, and of course, ended up
doing something heroic. Out popped a funky (funky fresh AND phat.) gummi block. It's
SO funky, it's not even a block! Or the kings! (BOOOO!) so now, it's time for
some long spiel to make this world have a semi-point. "Clayton, Ooh-Ooh- ah." 'Oh, of
course, Ooh-Ooh-ah-ah must mean heart." "No, Tarzan thought. it mean "Crazy idiot."
"Crazy idiot! Your friends there!" said Tarzan. "Oh Tarzan! You're ridiculous!" (it turns
out poor old Tarz was right, because Selphie, Wakka and Tidus were behind the tree. (As
for why he said he knew where Riku and Kairi were, well, he didn't KNOW their names,
and he doesn't know many English names, much less Japanese ones.) but the jerks had
already left. "well that was fun, but now we have to get talked to by crazy bearded guys."
"To Traverse Town?" "Yes! But first. Sora grinned evilly. Open fire on Deep Jungle.
"MUAHAHAH!" (tell me you never tried to laser blast a world before.) as the planet
exploded, you could hear 3 tiny, screaming voices, one with a prominent, unspecified
accent.
Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Quasimodo, Punk'd, or Disney.
Yes! I am back on top! This one went well. (or so I think.) -if carrots are good for your eyes, can they dial a phone?- Ed
