Chapter 7: Wait, I thought this place is

Africa, and Jane and Clayton are from Britain, so. dude?

After deciding to NEVER, EVER, return to the Olympus Coliseum! Seum! Eum!

Our brave, fairly stupid, rather violent heroes hauled ass in their new Gummi ship (It

changed that one time during the last chapter. You didn't see it because a big ad blocked

your vision. I can't describe it anymore, but trust me, it's cool.) To the closest planet,

because the script called for it, and quite frankly, they lack any navigational system.

What they came across was a lush, tropical jungle. Sora felt a strong attraction to places

lush and/or tropical, so he could bitch about living there. (It had been a while.) But

wouldn't you know it, now one of the others had to have that "common sense thing." (It's

going around. I must kill them before they infect the others.) "Hey, maybe the king's

down there Donald." "No he's not." (Forget that common sense thing.) "What about my

friends, Riku and Kairi?" "Screw them!" "I'd bet you'd like to, you horny little freak!"

"Oh that is it! Goofy, take the wheel!" "You. you, WOULDN'T!" But alas, it was too

late, and goofy crashed the ship. (They survived, but it cost them their gummi ship's

newfound coolness.)

"Uh, did I make it?" Sora realized that he did indeed make it, and what's more it

was lush! Also, tropical! "Finally! Bitch, bitch, bitch! It sure does suck living on a lush,

tropical jungle! Wa! Wa! I"- the therapeutic whining was suddenly interrupted, as a

panther (or leopard, or whatever the hell that thing is.) leapt down on him, to feast on

sweet, chosen keybearer flesh. Sadly, the damn thing got beaten. SEVERELY. Come

now, folks, it's just a leopard. How can it be stronger than a round body? Much less come

back several times! If the Keyblade were THAT great, it would take 2 good whacks to

take down a reasonably tough animal. And by take down, I mean KILL. NOT make it go

away, only to come back three more times. And kill Sora did. While Sora was reveling in

his bloody murder (how can it be a blade if it doesn't slash and draw blood? One word:

DISNEY!) A longhaired, tall man with a spear and a loincloth (heh, loin) ran up to him.

"Me Tarzan. Me supposed to drive away Sabor. (the leopard, for anyone who didn't

watch the movie or play the game, and if you haven't done at least one of these, I suggest

you get the hell out of my fic, before I get ma' gun.) Why you ruin Tarzan heroic

entrance?" "I didn't know you existed." "That no excuse. Sabor, danger." "No dude, he's

a huge pussy." (Get it? Pussy? Like a cat? Pussycat? And it's a leopard? Aw, shut up.)

"Also, I'm looking for my friends, Riku and Kairi." "What about other two?" "Well,

Riku and Kairi's name instead of theirs signifies I don't care about them. But don't

worry, because at the end, we learn the value of friendship." "So, in other words, writers

of game struggled to give world plot?" "Exactly." "Oh, by way, Oh-oh-ah-ah. Friends.

Friends Oh-oh-ah-ah." While the retarded longhair spouted off nonsense words that tied

in with the "heart" theme of the game, Sora amused himself with a hallucination (if he's

using it to amuse himself, shouldn't it be a daydream?) of Kairi, performing "Exotic

dance" (I'm not gonna say what it is. What it REALLY is) but the vision ended as soon

as Tarzan said he knew the whereabouts of Sora's friends. "Sweet! Show me!" and with

that, Tarzan jumped out into a tree canopy, as did Sora, who sustained a surprisingly low

amount of horribly painful injuries. (It was a long jump!)

"Gawrsh! Where are we! I sure hope Sora's okay." "We don't need him! We can

find the king without him." "But won't he be mad we don't have the keybearer?" ".

AUUUTHOR! Goofy's using common sense!" "GOOOOFY!" "Sorry." "Hey, Goofy,

look at this! A gummi block!" exclaimed Donald, holding up a gummi block left by a

gorilla. (How it got one is beyond me.)

Meanwhile, in Jane's tent.

Sora had just recently got to the campsite, by somehow sliding on a mossy tree

branch (How is that possible? Something in the moss?) "Jane!" "Tarzan!" "Hi!" "Hi!"

"Stop communicating in single words!" "Oh, I'm sorry, I figured you were a retard too."

"But I have such fancy, ridiculous clothes!" "Hey, look what I done found!" said a man

just entering the tent, interrupting this stimulating conversation. It was Donald and

Goofy. "Can I shoot at em?" "Mr. Clayton, no! Blah, blah, blah, tree- hugging hippy,

blah, blah!" "He he. Boobies." Thought Tarzan. (What? He's raised by gorillas! His only

interest in women should be primal. Also, in case you were wondering, Clayton is a

redneck, because if you take away his British accent, that's all he is.) Hoping to end her

eco-whining, Sora asked, "What's the deal with Tarzan?" "He was raised by Gorillas in

the jungle," she said, her obvious love of the retarded ape-man showing. "Hehe.

Boobies." Tarzan said, out loud this time. "Oh Tarzan, you're so great." "Well, I've

decided to stay here, because Goofy and me found a gummi block." "Uh, Donald, I hate

to disappoint you, but this is a gorilla shit." (That explains it!) "Aw, dude! Well, we're

still staying here, for continuity purposes." "Well, let's get this plot moving, cause quite

frankly, its 4:00 A.M." "Then in that case, them friends o' yours is with those gorillas,

sonny." "If we must do this quick, me just agree, simplify things." And so, our heroes

(and possibly a smelly dude with a spear.) went off to swing about on many annoying

vines, which are in the opposite direction of the nesting grounds. (So why was Kerchak

over there?) "Kerchak, please listen to me. I know the nesting grounds are secret, but I

trust them, because, well, they need us." "Ohh, I trust them because they need us. Blah

blah blah. Well to bad SUCKA!" "Dude, why are you such a dick?" "Because, I'm the

gruff father figure who is mistrustful due to his need to protect the tribe!" "You're

gorillas, you don't HAVE a "tribe," you have a pack or something!" "Well they still can't

come till they save our world from the horrible evil! Because I'm too big of a wimp to do

it myself!" (Gorillas are strong. Give em some pointy sticks and rocks and they could

probably beat the Heartless on their own, especially if a leopard can survive three brutal

beat downs with an ancient, magical blade of awesome power.) "Did you get that?" "Yes,

Goofy, I suddenly gained the ability to talk to gorillas." "Really?" "NO!" "Well, let's go

to the tree house you two! "Why?" "Well, you guys were supposed to be suggesting

going up they're in your minds, but you were busy arguing like the idiots you so are.

Donald and Goofy looked at each other, and shoved Sora of the cliff.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!" he screamed. And continued on screaming for almost.

3 hours later.

"Landed on a hippo, nearly broke my spine, and got arrested for abusing hippos. As if I

was the one abusing THEM! You guys suck!" And verily did Sora and co. go to the tree

house, albeit with a lot of childish name-calling. "Well you're just a big dumb. dumb

guy!" "Oooh! That's a good one!" "YEAH! Well you're just a-rotted gorilla corpse!"

"That was pretty good." "No! A real gorilla corpse!" (What? Sora fell down for 3 hours!

Do you expect Clayton to just wait?) As it turned out, they missed one eighth of the

remaining plot! And it's NOT just a clever ruse to shorten this chapter! No sir! And so

after catching up it was time to. CRITIQUE THE PLOT! "Well, okay, I like Clayton

shooting Terk. It signified his turning to evilness. Thumbs up!" "Well, Donald, I think it

would have been better if we had actually saved her. Thumbs down." "And frankly, we

already knew he was evil. The scene was almost purposeless. Thumbs down." "Jane

chewing out Clayton. Boring scene. Dumb. No purpose. Thumbs down." "You're just

saying that because you only see value in women's looks. Thumbs up." "The only thing I

enjoy about this scene is Clayton saying "imbeciles" and that's lost now that he's a

redneck. Thumbs down." "And as for this segment, THUMBS DOWN!" they yelled in

unison. (Ungrateful bastards.) Now that the catching up was done and all was right with

the world (not this world. Another world. Duh.) It was time for heroic thwacky time,

which means they saved somebody, and got more gorillas "Gummi blocks." And so, the

saviors of the universe were too busy collecting gorilla turds to stop the kidnapping.

(Of Jane.) (By the heartless) (And apparently a big black fruit.) But it was obvious they

had to ignore it, because otherwise they couldn't go on those damned vines. "Hey guys!

That big black fruit looks suspicious!" "Honestly, Sora! We didn't know you were

racist!" "No! Not that guy!" Said Sora, referring to a large, stereotypical looking gay man

named Steve. " I'm not gay!" (It's true, but no one believes him. Poor Steve. But then

again, it's partly his fault for wearing a scarf.) "The actual, large black fruit!"

"Oh, of course." "And they bashed the fruit good. A collective gasp fills the room.

People begin chattering in whispers. People look at me with shock and awe! For I used a

new word! Bashed instead of thwacked! What a concept! L33T! I am 4W350M3! I

apologize. I will never talk like that again. (If I do, I must take my own life, and then how

will this fic get finished? It won't.) With the fruit destroyed (and Steve having

mysteriously disappeared forever.) Jane and Terk were freed. But wait, you say. Terk is

dead, isn't she? Yes. But Clayton is one sick bastard. "You realize this can only mean

one things." Jane asked. "A climactic boss fight?" answered Sora. "Yeah." "YES!" after

more sliding or damned vines or whatever, Sora reached the cliff. He was sorely

disappointed. All he got was a boss fight with Clayton. CLAYTON, for Christ's sake! A

human! yet somehow, it actually took a while. But of course Sora won. He whacked (the

streak continues!) Clayton out of. yeah, somehow, he survived, but there's nothing I

could say about it that I didn't about Sabor, only more so. Also, before (or possibly after

this) Tarzan whined about how "it not Clayton," and more idiot-speak. "So, after

SMACKY time (I'm a creative genius!) It was time to end this hellish chapter in their

wacky quest. The top gorilla.dude showed his amazing appreciation for this heroic deed

by. smashing him against the cliff. (he meant for it to kill) the three once again

managed to sustain minor injuries. (they got knocked around by heartless a lot, but it

should still hurt.) They went through that friggin' underwater cavern place (hate that

place.) and found, to their amazement. a damned tree. All that, for a tree. FUDGE. To

relieve his horrible anger, he stabbed some innocent butterflys, and of course, ended up

doing something heroic. Out popped a funky (funky fresh AND phat.) gummi block. It's

SO funky, it's not even a block! Or the kings! (BOOOO!) so now, it's time for

some long spiel to make this world have a semi-point. "Clayton, Ooh-Ooh- ah." 'Oh, of

course, Ooh-Ooh-ah-ah must mean heart." "No, Tarzan thought. it mean "Crazy idiot."

"Crazy idiot! Your friends there!" said Tarzan. "Oh Tarzan! You're ridiculous!" (it turns

out poor old Tarz was right, because Selphie, Wakka and Tidus were behind the tree. (As

for why he said he knew where Riku and Kairi were, well, he didn't KNOW their names,

and he doesn't know many English names, much less Japanese ones.) but the jerks had

already left. "well that was fun, but now we have to get talked to by crazy bearded guys."

"To Traverse Town?" "Yes! But first. Sora grinned evilly. Open fire on Deep Jungle.

"MUAHAHAH!" (tell me you never tried to laser blast a world before.) as the planet

exploded, you could hear 3 tiny, screaming voices, one with a prominent, unspecified

accent.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Quasimodo, Punk'd, or Disney.

Yes! I am back on top! This one went well. (or so I think.) -if carrots are good for your eyes, can they dial a phone?- Ed