Chapter 8: uh.. Plot?

"You know what I said about Traverse Town being a world? Forget it. It's a

town." "NO! Traverse Towns a town? Alert the media!" "Well, all I'm saying is that it

has no right to call itself a world." "Sora, this joke is so old, thwacky time sounds fresh

and exciting in comparison." "Oh yeah, well"-"SORA! Leon is in the sewers, training!"

said Yuffie, who had not had but 4 words in this baby, and was clearly overacting. And

so, with much griping and complaining, our heroes trekked to the sewers, which was

more of an underground cave than sewer. Honestly, it has a painting in it! Sewers don't

have paintings, and I, in particular, would be an authority on the matter. "So, you found

the keyhole." "Actually, I just stabbed some stuff." "Me too." "Cool." "Yeah." "Dude." "Guys! Chapter title!" "Oh, right. Well, Keyhole, blah blah, world, blah, heart, this

town." "Well, once again, you're totally unhelpful." "It's what I do. As a matter of fact,

I'm nothing but a huge obstacle throughout this whole game." 'Hey, how come you guys

live in a sewer? "Well, it seems that SOMEONE can't get himself a JOB to keep our

hotel room, because he's far too busy being MYSTERIOUS and slashing at the

FREAKIN' AIR!" (Poor Aerith. Oh, well. I mean, Cloud couldn't have been much

better.) "Oh, by the way, we found a funky fresh gummi block." "You should see Cid."

"C-cid?" Sora stammered, his fear of the crazed shop owner showing. "Oh, don't worry.

He's not as crazy as he seems." Said Leon, (you guessed it) lying through his teeth. "I

THOUGHT I TOLD YOU DAMNED KIDS TO GET THE !@#$%^&* OUT OF MY

!@#$%^&* STORE!" "da, uh, buh, I'D LOVE TO HEAR HOW YOU SAVED THE

WORLD!" Sora stammered out before he realized what he'd said. However this did calm

Cid down, and he began to tell the tale. "Well, it all started in the hi- tech city of

Midgard.." He began, and,
3 hours later

"And that's when they first beat Reno." "Did he have to describe EVERY battle?"
10 hours later

"And that's how we got our first chocobo." "What the hell is a chocobo?"

24 hours later
"And that's how we found Yuffie and got our Materia back." "ZZZZzzzz."

38 hours later
"And that's when Mideel was swallowed up by the lifestream. "Wha? Where are

we?"
44 hours later

"And that's when we beat safer sephiroth, and saved the world from the meteor

materia." "So, wait a second. You spent months on Chocobo breeding, while a giant fiery

ball of death hurtled towards Earth? "Hey, it was fun!" "Well, look at this gummi block,

and, more than likely install it on our ship without permission?" "It's not a block! And if

you tell me to do it, don't I have permission?" "Shut up." "Oh, yeah! Well, in order for

me to do it you still have to perform an inane errand!" "But I'm the savior of the

universe! Besides, I already listened to your 117 hour story!" "I was under the impression

you WANTED me to tell the story!" "Okay, I'll do it!" "Goooood, now go, and deliver

this book to a house in third district, with the EMBLEM OF FIRE!" "Okay!" said Sora,

eager to get out of this deranged man's territory. "Yeees, he shall deliver that book, and

find out how fun sidequests and mini-games truly are! MUAHAHAHAH!" "Cid! Are

you inevitably leading to the destruction of the universe by distracting the keybearer?"

"Uh.. no?"

"Hey, why would cid deliver books, he owns an accessory shop!" "So Pooh could

be worked into this game." "Who?" "Shh." "WAIT!" we forgot to do something!" "So?

We missed a lot of the plot in Deep Jungle." "Yeah, but this is important, and without it,

whole strings of jokes will be lost!" "Never fear, Sora! We are masters of TIME magic!

We'll just go back in time and fix it!" 'You first." Said Donald, stopping goofy. They

watched Goofy sit there frozen like idiots, before he snapped back. "So, did you fix it,

Goofy?" "No, I just stood there." "Time magic is clearly overrated." "Fine, lets go back

and re-talk to Cid." "BWAHAHAHAH! Yes, soon I shall destroy the keybearer!" "Hi

Cid!" "Oh, er- Hi Sora. Why are you back here and y'know, uh, alive. "We forgot a part

of conversation." "Oh, right. (Can YOU guess what it was?) BABOOM! "What the hell

was that!" "Yelled Sora, clearly prepared for more boring whining and not this. "Oh, that

was the old bell tower in the gizmo shop. Go check it out * wink wink * * nudge nudge *

"what the hell are you doing? More importantly, what's a "Gizmo shop?" "The world

may never know." "Also, the house in Third district. GO. As soon as you deliver my

book." "Don't tell me Leon got a job." "No, of course not. Aerith got a disease in the

sewer, and to get out, she had to whore herself to every guy in town. EVERY guy, heh

heh. (Ew. Even I'M ashamed at myself.) "Wait a minute, don't you make any money

from this store?" "Kid, only ten or so people LIVE in this town, and absolutely NONE of

them need "Protect chains." "The fact I got a bunch of rodents with antennae upstairs

isn't helping! I barely had enough money to pay off Aerith!" "Wait, what do you mea-

AUUUUGH! Oh man, you mean- Augh, I just GOT that!" (For those of you who still

haven't quite gotten it yet, CID PAID AERITH FOR SEXUAL SERVICES) "Well, I'm

scarred for life now, so let's get going."
5 hours later..

"How the hell do you open this door!" (I couldn't figure this out, and had to refer

to an online strategy guide. When I found out the answer, I felt like a complete idiot.

Which, for the record, I am NOT. No matter WHAT those fools in the scientific

community said.) And so, our resourceful heroes did whatever they did when they ran

into a problem. They burned the hell out of it. Which, as we all know, worked. (That's 10

for 10!) Then, after spending a jolly old time (A living hell) with the moving stones of

fun. (Rage and loathing.) Till they made it to a house, that, in all respect for the greatest

wizard of all time, looks like total crap. While there, Sora spent more time drooling over

Kairi; A D&G (their rap group name) stared vacantly. (There was also more talk about

the "Secret place", and more than likely more jabbering about hearts.) But who cares?

The point is Merlin came. "Well, well, you arrived earlier than I expected, which is to say

any time in the game. "Is he a heartless?" "What are you, an idiot? I'm a sorcerer, which

should somehow be obvious. "Your king has requested me to teach you magic." "Then

why is your house so hard to get to? "To, uh, keep it safe it from heartless?" "Aren't you

the greatest sorcerer in the world?" "Yes, uh, well, LASER BLAST TO THE FACE!"

"That was just dumb." "Well, the truth is, I just don't wanna teach another good hearted

youth something, 'cause I did that once and it sucked ass. Not to mention the kid was a

total queer." "Oh." " Oh by the way, that stone, - "We don't have a stone."

3 hours later..

"Gimme the damned stone, Leon! Never! I want a summon!" "Do it!" "NO!"

"Yes!" "N- OW! My groin!" he said, before keeling over. OW. It turns out Leon had

been thwacked between the legs from behind by Aerith. (Hey, if you had to whore

yourself to every guy in town, you wouldn't be sunshine and pink roses either, especially

towards guys, and especially toward guy's stuff. "Here, Sora, take the stone. "Uh,

thanks." "Said Sora, VERY frightened, and raced outta there like a, really fast, uh,

frightened guy.
2 hours later..

After Merlin's moving stones of hell, Sora met the Fairy godmother, who must be

having some kind of affair with Merlin. And they got Simba, which is actually a pretty

crappy summon, considering Leon had to get whacked in the groin with an iron rod for it.

"Oh, yeah. We had to give you this book. Why do you want it?" "Oh, I just think there's

something peculiar about it, namely that all it's inhabitants are alive, and are cute,

innocent, little animals and gentle-voiced shop keeps who give little boys toys when they

can pay with a big bundle of love instead of cynical nose-ringed teenagers, and are so

sweet that they make certain people weep about their lost imagination's and childhood's,

even though they're only like, 14. (Not really.) 'Hey Merlin, one last thing before we

leave." "What?" "Are you the Wizard who makes people do things and stuff happen?"

"Yes." SEE! SEE! IT WASN'T JUST A PLOT DEVICE! IT WAS MERLIN! MERLIN I

TELL YOU! I am a straight up genius!

1 more hour on the stepping-stones of hell..

And so, having solved the mystery of the Wizard without doing anything

climactic, our heroes ran into... RIKU! (Boooayyy) that's a combination of boo/yay, in

case you didn't know. "Riku! You have a cool sword! Where'd ya get it? "Uh, well,"

Riku tried to explain, without simply saying "The evil head villain who of course is being

duped by a more powerful villain gave it to me so I can chop your head off and steal the

keyblade." "KAIRI!" he yelled out loud, knowing this would buy him 20+ hours of

useless babble. Then, Riku saw his chance to be cool. REALLY cool. He started saying

how he was so great, hoping Sora had never been here before. But, of course, Riku was

denied his moment in the sun when a shadow crept up on him and Sora struck a cool

pose and killed it. (Poor, poor, poor, poor, poor Riku.) "So then, we're gonna stab stuff.

Want to come with? "Hey, he can't come!" "Cram it, Donald!" said Sora, using stop on

Donald. "Hey, he's gone!" "Well, you were watching him, what happened?" He walked

off with a pale lady with wand with a green orb on top and flowing black robes."

"Typical Riku. Come on." "So the three went to the one-bedroom house (Why, whatever

crazy predicaments could occur with Cid, two girls, and one bedroom? You decide.) As

Cid had suggested. When they entered the house, (they just barged right in, no secret

knock or anything. Heartless could overtake these morons in seconds.) The first thing

they noticed is: a) Aerith was standing far away from Cid, b) Leon was standing far away

from Aerith, and c) Yuffie moved significantly closer to Goofy when he entered. "Long,

boring, dialogue time?" "Oh, yeah." Blah, blah, Maleficent, blah, witch, blah, blah,

heartless, blah, our world, blah, blah, Ansem." "Man, Video games would be even

MORE popular if people could do this." "See, it is just as I told you," said Maleficent to

Riku, watching them through a window. (The sad part is that they didn't notice.) "While

you toiled away trying to find your friends, he simply replaced you with some new

companions." "Toiled away? I landed in your base; you gave me a sword, and sent me

here. I didn't toil at all." "Besides, he wanted me to come along, he froze up the little

duck guy." "Just be evil, already!" "Well, my common sense and entire brain says no, but

my silver (Gray) hair and emerald (green) eyes say yes, and I think we all know that evil,

arrogant jerks such as me wouldn't be loved by hundreds of people if not for my looks, so

yes!" "So, you delivered that book, right?" "Yeah." "Good. Now go ring the bell in the

gizmo shop 3 times. "Why? Why 3 times? It makes no sense! Gar! I'm going crazy!

GAH! Man, after this is over, I'm gonna need to relax in forest or a wood, preferably 100

acres of It." Regardless of Sora's insanity and need to take a vacation, they made haste

(and surprisingly little waste.) to the bell tower, which they couldn't have gotten at

before, because it was boarded up. It's ranting' time. A BOARD!? SORA HAS A

MAGICAL BLADE! BLADES SLICE THROUGH WOOD! DONALD COULD SET IT

ON FIRE! HE COULD FREEZE IT, AND HAVE GOOFY BREAK IT! GOOFY

COULD USE HIS SHIELD LIKE A SAW, THEY COULD GIVE IT THUNDER! But

no. They can only open it now that they have learned the ability to run into things. It

actually hurts it's so stupid. Sora and gang (well, mostly Sora.) rung the bell, and (who

saw this coming? Well, you all did, because it's just the game, only abbreviated, and

humorous.) A big ol' keyhole appeared. And Sora, realizing this magnificent opportunity

to jab his key into more things, went on over right quick. They should have known better.

The Guard Armor came out of nowhere, and was beaten in 2 seconds flat. Which is why

he changed into OPPOSITE ARMOR! (What! They're different!) which, really, wasn't

much worse, except it shot lasers out of it's ass. But sooner or later, O.A. got a beat-down

and his heart fell out. (but if it's a heartless, why do little hearts fall out?) And now it was

time to go. So they got their Ship back from Cid, and prepared to enter the warp hole!

"Last time, on goofy in Traverse Town.. "Dude! She said She didn't have a

mate!" "She had 99 kids!" "Aw man, where are those guys!?" And now, today! "Wait, is

that.. Goofy! Donald! Help me! Please don't leave! Nooo!" Pluto yelled, before being

tackled and mauled by pongo. "Damnit! I should've asked for my money back!" "don't

make me get out the BIG rod Leon." "I'll be good."

Ahhh. This took a while, but it was worth it. I don't own kingdom hearts. And to answer

your question , Choco-gal, Trout. (now the only way to ask me what I'm talking about is

leaving ANOTHER, review, Muahaha.) also, yes.