Title – The Price We Pay 10/12
Rating – PG-13/T
Disclaimer – I own none of this, it all belongs to Rowling. I just have the honor or using her creations in my story. No sex, slash or profanity.
Summary – The Guilt of a Gryffindor and the Strength of a Slytherin
A/N – Thanks for all the encouraging and enthusiastic reviews! Consider this one last serving of angst for everyone before the fluffy end. All reviews, questions, corrections and suggestions are welcome! Read and enjoy!
The Price We Pay
Chapter 9
It was the voice that finally penetrated the darkness and coaxed his soul back to reality. It banished the shadows from his mind and enveloped him in warmth, chasing away the terrible coldness that made his bones ache and tremble. He knew this was the same voice that saved him from the darkness before and he wanted to listen to it, to follow it back into the light, but he was afraid. He was certain that pain would greet him if he returned to the light and he decided he was much safer in the darkness. One could always hide from the pain in the dark.
But, of course, he could not resist the heartbreaking pleas from that voice and hesitantly made his way back through the darkness into the welcoming light. He trusted the voice, heard the love and concern when it spoke to him, and knew in the depths of his own heart that the voice needed him as much as he needed the voice. How could he possibly abandon it now? It was a slow process, returning to reality, but time had no meaning in the darkness of his mind and eventually he returned to consciousness.
The first thing that he registered was the complete absence of pain. He felt nothing but a sensation of softness and warmth. No major pain whatsoever, he was very pleased and surprised to note. Slowly, carefully, he stretched his returning awareness throughout his body and felt the lingering sensations of bruises and the faint ache that told him he had been cursed. He was too sleepy and comfortable to focus on why or when he had been cursed and instead turned his attention to his present situation.
Blinking open his eyes, he immediately shut them against the onslaught of sunshine.
Someone must have seen his reaction for the sunlight faded and when he dared to open his eyes again it was much darker and he sighed in approval. He then realized he was wrapped up in soft blankets and curled in a nest of pillows in his large bed.
Yawning, he tried to snuggle back down into that warm nest, but gentle hands cupped his face and the voice spoke to him,
"No, Severus, you must wake up now. You've been asleep for too long."
He went still, making the last connection to full awareness, before he twisted in his nest of blankets and pillows, trying to put a face to the beloved voice. Surprisingly strong arms encircled him, stilling his almost frantic movements and gently turned him around so he could look up.
A kind old face with a white beard smiled widely and he found himself completely entranced by the twinkling blue eyes staring back at him. His hair was smoothed back by one of those gentle hands and he leaned into the caress with a small sigh. The owner of the voice chuckled softly and he felt the arms around him tighten ever so slightly. He felt safe and protected and completely at ease within this embrace.
He stared intently at the face smiling at him and searched his memories for a name. The darkness had scattered things around a bit, however he was confident in his ability to put his mind back together. It might take him a while and he would need some help, but he knew everything could be healed. After a few seconds of searching and remembering he found what he was looking for and opened his mouth to speak. Nothing came out but a dry rasp. The kind face frowned a little and reached for something on the bedside table. He tried to speak again and all he could produce was a weak whimper.
"Shhh Severus, you screamed your throat raw and it will be hard to talk for a few days. Here, sip this."
A glass came to his lips and he sipped eagerly, the cool water soothing his sore throat. He looked up at the face again and was determined to speak this time. Opening his mouth again he managed a small whisper,
"Albus?"
The face looked at him in surprise, and he wondered if he had spoken the wrong name. His fears were assuaged when the other wizard smiled brightly and hugged him tighter.
"Yes, Severus, I'm Albus. Do you remember anything else?"
It took him a few moments to figure out the answers to Albus's questions. His brow furrowed in concentration and he tried ever so hard to remember. The memories he was searching for realigned themselves quite suddenly in his mind and he shuddered violently, cringing from the painful recollections. He whimpered and despite his efforts to retain some control over his chaotic and confused mind, the memory of pain was too strong, too recent and he burst into bitter tears.
Albus simply held him and stroked his back while murmuring soft words of encouragement. Slowly, with a determination he did not know he had, he stopped his tears and leaned wearily against the warm chest, finding solace in the sound of the heart beating beneath his ear. He found the strength within his own heart to speak about the memories haunting him.
"Lestrange. Pain. Darkness." He turned grateful eyes up to his protector, "You. You came. Nothing more."
"I'm surprised you remembered all that. How are you feeling now?"
"Safe. Warm. Sleepy."
"You have been asleep for two days Severus, how can you possibly still be sleepy?" Dumbledore said, smiling amusedly. He gave no reply and let his eyes slip closed. When he was gently shaken he reluctantly reopened them and glared sleepily at the person who would deny him his rest. "Stay awake for a little longer Severus. We need to get some food and medicine in you."
He managed a nod and was moved to sit upright. Dumbledore rose and retrieved a tray from a nearby table. Positioning the tray on his lap the older wizard picked up a bowl of soup and a spoon and proceeded to feed him until he could take no more. A cup of a slightly bitter potion followed and he drank it dutifully. The tray was set aside and he yawned deeply as he was lowered back down to the soft pillows. He could not stay awake any longer, no matter what Albus wanted, and was relieved when the voice said,
"It's all right to sleep now; I'll be here when you wake."
He snuggled deeper into the blankets and fell into a dreamless slumber.
- & -
For the next few days all Snape did was sleep, surfacing only for food and potions. His body quickly recovered from the attack; the trembling stopped and the visible injuries vanished. His mind rapidly followed, healing at a rate that astonished even Pomfrey, who stopped by twice a day to tend to her patient. He rested and recovered, with the help of Dumbledore of course. He could always be counted on to keep away the darkness, when it threatened Snape's sanity again.
But behind the former Headmaster's sparkling gaze was the shadow of something Snape could not figure out. Dumbledore seemed like his usual cheery self, though if one looked close enough, those famous blue eyes were haunted and hesitant. Snape would have confronted him, but lacked the energy for a full confrontation. So he slept and wondered what could be bothering his friend.
- & -
A full week after the attack Snape jerked awake with a harsh cry, the memory of his most recent nightmare almost bringing him to tears. He snapped his eyes open and lay staring at the canopy of his bed, breathing hard and clutching the blankets. The details and emotions of the nightmare were fresh in his mind and his mind replayed them, despite his efforts to forget and return to sleep.
An aching loneliness …pleas for help …Albus turning his back on him …why wouldn't Albus help him?
With a great effort he pushed the remnants of the dream from his mind and it was then that Snape realized he was alone. Usually Dumbledore would stay with him during the night, soothing him through nightmares and helping him get back to sleep. His eyes darted to the shadows of the room, searching for the wizard he suddenly wanted to see right then, but was unwilling to get up and seek the safety of Dumbledore's embrace. He was a grown wizard; he had lived through his share of living nightmares, and he would not let one bad dream send him running away like a scared child. Oh, how his heart wanted to, but Snape remained where he was and struggled to control his growing panic.
Grown wizard he may be, it was still hard to control the darkness reawakened by the nightmare.
His thoughts were interrupted a second later when the door creaked open and Dumbledore's concerned head peeked in.
"Severus? I heard a noise. Are you all right?"
"It was just a nightmare. I'm fine."
Dumbledore frowned and entered anyway, coming to sit on the edge of the bed. Snape sighed and began to roll over, not wanting to burden the older wizard with any more of his troubles. Hands on his shoulders stopped him.
"Do you want to tell me about it?"
"Not really. It was just a dream Albus."
But he knew Dumbledore would not leave until he spoke about what was bothering him, and he felt the weight of the other's stare boring into him. Snape sighed again and reluctantly looked up into worried blue eyes, quietly telling him,
"It was about you. I dreamed you abandoned me over and over again. At school, in Azkaban, to Voldemort, Lestrange. I tried to call for you, I pleaded with you to save me but you didn't answer. You left me alone. Just another nightmare I suppose."
Silence met this revelation and Snape closed his eyes, not wanting to meet his mentor's gaze any longer. He did not want to see the pity and sadness that would surely be in eyes that should only reflect happiness and wisdom. When the silence was broken by small, hitching gasps, Snape looked back up, completely surprised to see Dumbledore sobbing bitterly. Snape could only stare in morbid fascination at the sight, mouth slightly open in shock. He had never seen the venerable old wizard cry before and it frightened him.
Before he could move to comfort him however, Dumbledore stopped his tears and said in a small voice,
"I'm sorry Severus. I'm so very sorry. I have failed you so many times and you've had to pay the price for my mistakes. I'm sorry."
With that Dumbledore suddenly rose and left the room, stunned black eyes staring after him. Snape stared blankly at his closed bedroom door, too exhausted physically and emotionally to comprehend exactly what Dumbledore had told him, but unable to forget the sight of tears pouring down that miserable face. Only when Miel silently appeared and spelled him into an enchanted slumber was Snape able to sleep.
- & -
Snape was no longer alone when he woke, but the person sitting next to the bed was not the person he really wanted to see. McGonagall greeted him with a kind smile, though her eyes were concerned and solemn and she looked quite tired herself. He vaguely remembered the start of the fall term was in a few days and wondered why the new Headmistress was spending her valuable time here with him.
"How are you doing today Severus?"
"Fine. Why are you here? Where's Albus?"
"I'm here because two of my dearest friends obviously need any help I can offer them. Are you feeling any better?" He shrugged and looked furtively at the door, anxious to know where his friend was. McGonagall followed his gaze and sighed somewhat sadly.
"What happened last night? I can't get an answer out of Albus and I'm worried for the both of you."
"I don't know. I had a nightmare and Albus came to check on me. When I told him about it he started crying and apologizing to me." Snape suddenly looked at her with wide, uncertain eyes, "Why? It was just a dream. What did I do that he has to be sorry for?"
McGonagall reached out to grasp his hand, understanding lighting her features. She answered in her firm, professor voice,
"It was nothing you did Severus. Albus still feels guilty over what was done to you. He feels guilty for not protecting you properly throughout your life. I know he blamed himself when you went missing. Your dream only caused his own insecurities and fears to surface and he couldn't deal with them so soon after this attack. He loves you Severus, everyone can see that, but I think you two need to reaffirm that belief before your fears destroy it forever."
Snape frowned and he spent several silent minutes pondering what McGonagall had just told him. She watched him carefully, waiting for his Slytherin stubbornness to take control and spur him to action. When he suddenly rose and reached for the dressing robe and slippers she had them ready and waiting for him. He quirked a curious eyebrow at her, but McGonagall simply smiled and assisted him. His eyes glinted in determination and his mouth was set in a firm line.
"Where is he? I must talk with him Minerva."
"I saw him in the garden with Fawkes. Come along then."
McGonagall helped Snape down the stairs and outside. They paused on the porch, for Snape still tired easily and he wanted to gather his strength for the upcoming conversation. With a reassuring pat on his shoulder, McGonagall let him continue on his own and went back inside.
Dumbledore was sitting on the hammock, rocking slowly and stroking Fawkes' feathers forlornly. He looked haggard and weary and when he looked up his eyes were clearly red from crying. His eyes widened in surprise as Snape approached; then he looked away to stare at the flowers. Fawkes however greeted Snape with a happy song, nudged Dumbledore with a wing, and disappeared in a burst of light, conveniently making room for two wizards to sit. Snape strode confidently into the garden, sat down next to Dumbledore and gazed at him with calm black eyes. It was strange seeing the all-knowing, all-powerful Dumbledore fidgeting and avoiding his gaze. The silence stretched on as the pair enjoyed the soothing atmosphere of the garden. Finally Snape grasped one wrinkled hand, took a deep breath and said firmly,
"I love you Albus, you're like the father I wished my own would have been. Everything that has happened in my life is not your fault, you cannot possibly accept responsibility for every time I've been hit or cursed or abandoned. You have been there when I needed you and you are here now. Let the past remain in the past Albus."
Dumbledore did look up at him then and the shadow that was lurking behind those blue eyes slowly began to disappear, love taking its place. He held tight to the hand holding his exclaiming,
"Oh, Severus! I know none of it is my fault, but I can't help feeling like it is. I love you dear boy and every time something happens to you a little piece of my heart bleeds with you. I can only hope for your forgiveness."
"You have nothing to apologize for Albus, but if it will ease the pain in your heart I forgive you."
Dumbledore smiled then, a bright smile that forever banished the shadow in his eyes. He turned and captured the younger wizard in a hug that Snape heartily returned. Sighing in relief, Snape allowed his own smile to grow. Everything would be all right. They survived this latest bump in their relationship and would emerge stronger and closer than ever. He closed his eyes and leaned further into Dumbledore's arms, content in the knowledge he was right where he belonged.
- & -
Three sets of eyes nervously watched them from the kitchen window. Fawkes gave an approving chirp then disappeared to do whatever phoenixes do. McGonagall nodded happily and looked over at Miel, who was dabbing her eyes with her pillowcase. The witch patted the house elf's shoulder reassuringly before turning to discreetly wipe her own tears away.
TBC
I wanted this chapter to focus on Snape and Dumbledore so the next chapter will tie up all the loose ends. It should be up within a few weeks. Thanks again to all my reviewers! Keep em coming:)
